Talking Walls: Confessions of a Single Mormon Girl

Thanks Kris (Stella)

2012-01-21T10:42:00.004-07:00

I've been dating my boy for about 3.5 months now. I'm past the scared feelings (I think), I've passed the stage of waiting for his personality to change and I'm arriving full speed at the could this be it station.

Noticing that several of the original contributors to the blog are now married I decided to do a little research into their final blog posts and see what words of wisdom I could find about this feeling that has been driving me crazy. I found one by Kris titled My Issues. At this point Kris was starting to figure out that her sweetheart just might be THE ONE and was surprised to find herself freaking out. She so perfectly wrote all of my fears including the misguided notion that Heavenly Father must not want her to be married - (why else would He have made her wait so long?) Another post even discussed the guilt one feels when looking at other single friends who hadn't yet met their sweethearts - survivors guilt as it were. Something tells me that might be a future blog post so I'll leave it alone for now.

Through her post I found words to feelings that I hadn't found a way to express quite yet. There it is - "Fearless" Stella who has always prided herself in jumping into life with both feet is finding herself exactly where Kris did over 3 years ago. No announcements to make yet but realizing that the fear of the unknown needs to be acknowledged. Calm down Stella, Heavenly Father loves you, His perfect plans will be realized in His time and it's okay to be a little scared.

I've never met Kris - but if you still read this blog thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing those thoughts so long ago. Your words were a much needed life saver for me, a validation of my experience, and the perfect reminder that just because I've had to wait longer then many doesn't mean that wasn't the perfect plan all along.

Jumping In (Anne)

2012-01-18T19:46:00.004-07:00

After the last relationship debacle with the Boy of Summer, I swore off online sites. That system is just not for me. If it wasn't going to work out with him, it wasn't gonna work out with anyone.

So I settled into my school routine, and still missed him every day.

Then last Sunday my visiting teachers came and offered the obligatory “do you need anything?”

And I mustered all the humility I could and said, “Well, a husband. More specifically, prayers for one.”

We shared a lighthearted laugh, but I explained that if my own pathetic prayers aren't doing the trick, I might as well enlist the help of people with more faith than I have. One of my visiting teachers asked if I was opposed to being set up, even if they didn't live in town.

“Why not?” I said.

So here I sit, 10 days later, and an email arrives from a friend of that visiting teacher. In normal circumstances, I would feel a combination of fear and excitement. This time, I felt a combination of fear and sadness. Because engaging in communication with this person feels like I've closed the door on the Boy of Summer, a realization that clearly I was not prepared for.

I had left that door half open, hoping every single day that he would change his mind. He's clearly not, but at the same time, I'm not sure I'm ready for a rebound.

Even so, I mustered all the humility I could and wrote an email back. It might not go anywhere (let's be honest, I don't have a whole lot of faith in my track record), but I'm jumping back in. Opening my heart, making a friend, and trying to not hold the past against the future.

Trials and Tribulations (Stella)

2012-01-05T08:21:00.004-07:00

First off - Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all. I hope that everyone made it through the holidays with happy memories and fun experiences.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the trials and sufferings we experience during our mortal journeys. How different our struggles are. How tailor made they are for our strengths and weaknesses, personalities and fears. How your trials would have little effect on me and mine would seem simple to you.

Have you ever wondered why you have the lot you have? Why you struggle so hard with a particular hardship while others don't seem to have a care in the world? Over the years that I've read and participated in this blog I have often felt anger boil up in me at some of the comments that have been left to various posts. Until one day it hit me - that most of those comments were not meant to be cruel or unkind. Most were simply made of ignorant bewilderment. How in the world could this experience of single-hood in this day and age be a source of such great pain that you actually formed a support group and write about it?

Single hood is not a death sentence. It is not even close to the very worst thing that could happen to a person however if this is your trial then you know the ache that lives in your heart on a daily basis. If this is your particular cross to bear then you know how bleak and dark the future can look and how desperately hard it sometimes can be to focus on just today. If this is your mountain to climb then you know what it feels like to be able to almost see those who are missing from your life. To see the children your arms ache to hold, to see the spouse you desperately wish you could talk about your day to, to almost be able to taste the family dinners that go uneaten night after night. If this is your trial then you get it and I don't need to explain further.

If this isn't your trial then I ask you to think about the thing that keeps you up at night. Maybe it's a health issue, employment or the lack thereof, your children's happiness, financial security, personal safety, sins or regrets you would undo in a second if you had the power to. Maybe it's wondering if you will ever have the opportunities you've worked so hard for or having the secret dreams of your heart realized. Maybe it's feeling like you have no worth or value or doubt where you fit into the world. This thing I know - we all have them.

I had a pastor once give the following analogy: Imagine that your individual struggle is a cross that you wear on your shoulders all day. Now imagine that we are all given the opportunity to put that cross down in a room. We leave the room and re-enter to choose a cross more to our liking. We would all pick up the cross we had sat down in the first place. Interesting thought isn't it? I have no doubt that it is true - there are things that others go through that I wouldn't want to deal with for even a moment and if I'm truthful there are things that others deal with that are so inconsequential to me I wouldn't be challenged in the slightest.

I understand on some level why this is my trial. I need people more then I need air. I need love and others to love. I need relationships and connections and am motivated to change only when I know it will benefit someone else. That makes me sound more altruistic then I am but to say that I'm people orientated is an understatement.

What better trial to give me then the withholding of the most important relationships? The most important connections? To prove and try my faith, my belief, my strength? To see if I will endure all things the Lord sees fit to put upon me and stay true to Him? If I had to design a cross just for me I can't imagine one better fit to my weaknesses or one that will better push me into becoming a queen in my Father's kingdom.

In closing I guess what I'm saying that if you've come here to visit and what we say doesn't seem so important to you it's okay. Your struggles are different, your needs are different and your plan is tailor made just for you. I hope there is a blog out there for your particular need because for me on the tough days, this is my haven. My Cheers (alcohol free of course), and one of the few places I know I'll always find a kindred spirit or two.

Merry Christmas!

2011-12-24T21:31:00.002-07:00

As I write this on Christmas Eve, I am humbled to think that regardless of income, race, gender, or yes, even marital status, He loves me. He loves you. He came to earth for us.

On this special day, I hope we each take time to reflect on the Savior's birth and life, and remember His atonement heals not only our sins, but also our weaknesses and infirmities (Alma 7:11-12).

Be joyful that He was born, and that He lives. His promises are infinite, and He knows us personally.

Have you see the video site? Here's one...Merry Christmas to our readers, wherever you may be.

Speak Up! Or How Anne Started Yelling in Relief Society.

2011-12-09T19:51:00.002-07:00

Last Sunday's lesson in Relief Society was a revisiting of Elder Uchtdorf's talk in the Relief Society General Meeting about Forget-Me-Nots. I loved the premise of this talk—his first point about how we need to stop punishing ourselves for our weaknesses is something we just don't hear enough.

But then he got to his third point—a perfectly valid point of Forget Not to be Happy—and rather than illustrate his point with an anecdote about someone who did just that, he told the story of a woman who wanted a husband and family so badly that when it didn't happen, she turned into a bitter old school marm who alienated everyone around her, including her students.

I remember being upset about it when I heard him give the talk, and when the teacher started the lesson, I thought, “Surely she's not going to retell this story.” She did have someone read it, and I stewed. Do I say something? Do I just let it go?

Well, I said something. Loudly. Vehemently.

“This made me so angry when he told this story. I know dozens of women who are single and NOT like the woman in this story—why couldn't he have shared their stories instead? It just perpetuates the cultural myth in the church that to be valued, women must be married.”

And wow, did I open a can of worms.

I didn't mean to, and as someone who teaches Gospel Doctrine and occasionally has to deal with lesson-hijackers, I really try to be sensitive and NOT do that. But I just couldn't stay silent any more. I wanted those women to know that while I'd love to be married and have children, I'm STILL happy with where I am. I love my job (most days) and I'm able to really, truly affect change in my classroom and with my piano students. And I know I'm not alone! Marnie and Stella, plus at least a dozen others I know in the same situation. We aren't bitter, and we ARE doing something with our lives, and we ARE happy.

And even though I was the only single woman in the room, I was shocked at how many women agreed with me. I was sitting next to the temple matron—a woman who has known me since I was 8 years old—and she said, “It makes me angry, too, that the image we have of single women in the church is bitterness. Anne is an example to me, and a role model for me, and I'm a grandmother. It doesn't matter that she's single.”

I was going to apologize to the teacher afterwards, but then a thought came to me. Maybe it was stubbornness, maybe inspiration. But here's what I thought: Maybe Elder Uchtdorf didn't have a better story to share because we are silent. We don't talk about our careers or volunteer work or whatever it is we do, because it sounds self-aggrandizing. We don't share what makes us happy because...well, I'm not sure why. Is it because we think it's not important to the members of our ward families? Is it because deep down, we feel no matter what, it's never going to measure up to the women who get to raise families?

I don't know. But I'm done being silent about it. It's time I stopped apologizing for and complicit-ly ignoring the life I've built by not being more vocal at church about the good things I'm doing with my life.

If I get to listen to the women in Relief Society share their stories about sleepless nights with newborns, then I should share stories of my sleepless nights caused by my job. If I get to listen to stories of funny toddler sayings, I should share stories of funny work colleague sayings.

If the women in Relief Society share their family life with me, I should share my single life with them.

So, Thanks, I Guess (Anne)

2011-11-29T19:21:00.004-07:00

29 days ago, a friend pressured me into trying National Novel Writing Month. Technically, I don't fit in their parameters, because most of the writers focus on works of fiction, and I can't imagine anything more ridiculous than my own life.

So I wrote a memoir.

50,000 words of a memoir. Most of which I will likely hack to pieces before sending it out to publishers in anticipation of many rejection letters.

(Sidebar: I think all of the dating rejection has completely prepared me for a life as a writer. How can rejection by a stranger be worse than rejection by someone I love? But I digress.)

The most recent boy to bail on me told me that what attracted me to him the most was my writing. He looooooooved reading my writing. He encouraged me to write a book, too, but I was too wrapped up in him and other summer pursuits to really take it seriously.

So when my friend challenged me to write an entire book in November, it was simply germination for a seed that had already been planted.

So to this boy who bailed on me exactly four months ago this week: thanks. Thanks for believing in me enough to encourage me to write a book. I never would have seriously considered it, had you not repeatedly told me you thought a book of mine would be great.

Oh, and thanks for being a chapter.

Do I want to be the Pot or the Kettle? (Stella)

2011-11-17T14:05:00.003-07:00

I am dating a new man. Yea!! right? Um, no. I stopped getting excited about new relationships years ago. Now I approach them like I'm walking up quietly on a venomous snake that will snap my neck in two if I startle it. Somehow in my head I'll find my husband when I can get my arms around the scary snake before he notices I'm there. Unfortunately, for me that's what relationships have become. Everyone says - Have fun! Enjoy it! I laugh a dry, sarcastic laugh and say uh-huh. To my sweet married friends who didn't date past the age of 23 and have absolutely no idea the trauma of adult dating I tell them - you go and have 8 miscarriages and then tell me you're excited when you get pregnant again. A rather gruesome analogy but it gets my point across.

So this new fellow...he's great. Not just great, amazing. A 'real' grownup with a career, a home, and a life prepared to provide for a family. He is marriage minded and makes it very clear that I am being evaluated for future wifehood. That makes him sound methodical and cunning but he's quite the opposite. Despite being scarred by a painful divorce he is open and honest with his feelings, his fears, and his hopes. He treats me like a princess and trips over himself to take care of me. He's the kind of guy I've waited decades for. I'm having a wonderful time and feeling all those warm fuzzy feelings and yet...

I'm freaking out.

Why? Because THIS ONE is different. It feels totally different - as if it has real possibility. This one is all the things the others were not and this one just might be it. Funnily, I find myself (inside anyway) acting just like the men from my past who were so happy to be in a relationship until it turned serious and then they were clawing to get away. I absolutely refuse to let fear ruin my future or my possibilities so I charge ahead and tell "the jerk" (my special name for satan) to jump in a ditch 'cause I'm not listening!

That said I find it hysterical that I find myself (through honest means of heart shattering experiences) acting just like those men I've dated before who let their fears and insecurities make their decisions for them. I hate that and I absolutely refuse to be that person but it's interesting none the less that these feelings are so powerful.

The future is not yet decided and we're certainly not at a point of making any announcements but I thought I would throw out these thoughts and remind myself of my favorite Book of Mormon verse:

Moroni 7: 12 - Wherefore, all things which are good cometh of God; and that which is evil cometh of the devil; for the devil is an enemy unto God, and fighteth against him continually, and inviteth and enticeth to sin, and to do that which is evil continually.

In honor of my future family I say - If the jerk can't find a ditch I have a few other suggestions...

Gratitude and Holidays (Anne)

2011-11-13T17:05:00.004-07:00

I think we mention the importance of gratitude on a fairly regular basis here on the ol' blog, but it's worth another mention today.

The talks in my ward today were all about gratitude and how important it is to be grateful. Every November over on my non-pen-named blog, I write a daily post of what I'm grateful for each day. Some days the posts are poignant realizations, some days the gratitude is perfunctory. But I do try to be grateful.

The holiday trifecta is fast approaching--the trifecta that reminds me over and over that I am alone. Christmas, New Years, and Valentine's Day. It is so easy for me to get bogged down in what I don't have (a spouse, heck--I'd settle for a mere date) that I fail to recognize what I do have: a truly wonderful life.

I'm really hoping that all of us who turn to this blog for some kind of comfort, validation, or support will remember that in the coming months, we are all blessed. Sometimes we are blessed with our jobs. Sometimes we are blessed with our families. Sometimes we are blessed as we serve others. We all can be grateful for at least one thing a day.

Focus on those blessings throughout this holiday season, and recognize God's hand in your life. I know the holidays can be hard--and I'm not saying I won't have some dark days myself--but keeping an eye toward what God HAS given me, instead of focusing on the one teensy-weensy thing He hasn't might help me be a little less despondent. I hope it helps you too.

Mr. Good Enough (Marnie)

2011-10-30T10:52:00.002-06:00

I read the most fascinating and eye-opening book suggested by one of our readers this summer. It’s called “Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough” by Lori Gottlieb. Now before you go off and think “settling” means giving up the most important things you need in a future spouse – such as respect, responsibility, integrity, and a strong testimony – know that it’s not. In fact, I think this title might be a turn off and should be instead called, The Case for Accepting Mr. Good Enough. I’ll have to talk to her publisher….

There are many points the author puts out there – but one point I really related to was the fact that women often give up or pass up fantastic men because they don’t fit their extremely large list of “requirements” in a future spouse. Of course, some of her examples were just absurd: women who had relationships with men that were funny, smart, good looking, kind, and someone they related to but broke up with them because they weren’t romantic enough or dressed well enough. I think single women in their 30s and 40s realize that there is no perfect man and that romantic love stories in movies are just for the movies. They don’t exist.

Or do we?? Do we really believe it? Do we believe that the outer shell of a person doesn’t really reflect the person that will make a perfect husband and family man? The author had some excellent examples about how the men we THINK we want to marry are the men we pass up for trivial and silly reasons.

I’m completely guilty of that. I’ve broken up with a really great man for some unrealistic picture of a man, but I surely have passed up some men after only one date because – his laugh was just too annoying, or he had facial hair, or was shorter than me, or I just didn’t “feel” anything after a first date. And after reading this book, I’m completely ashamed.

Now let me qualify here that there are some men that have asked me out that yes - it ain’t ever gonna to happen. But aren’t there also some people in my social circle that I have written off for no real good reason who could be a real potential and great spouse if I just “got over myself?” And I don’t mean the creepy or the needy ones, or those with absolutely no social skills. I mean, the nice guys that we overlook because they are too nice, aren’t tall enough, or have less education then us, or not quite good looking enough.

Have you ever said about a guy, “oh, he is the absolute best! Kind, funny, fulfills his church calling. He’d be perfect for anyone but me!” I do that ALL the time! But why?? I think it’s time I start analyzing and realizing why I’m really discounting these men. Are they good enough reasons? Are these reasons important ENOUGH? Is it just because I’ve always wanted a man 4.5 inches taller than me so I discount those that aren’t? Or a man who has a better job than me that will impress family and friends? Or is it because that one guy that dumped me had that one special trait that I just thought was so perfect for me and I keep holding on to it as though it’s the most important thing in the world and discounting men that don’t have it?

REALLY? Isn’t this exactly the shallow behavior I accuse men of doing all the time???

I liked this book because it had reality in it. I’m forty. My dating pool is smaller and with scarier looking fish. I need to open my horizons and stop focusing on the shallow things we accuse the men in the world of doing. I need to look at MYSELF and stop getting in my own way of finding my spouse.

So what does that mean? What am I going to give up? Well, there are several childish, ridiculous rules I made up when I was 12 when dreaming of a future husband. Admit it! You’ve all had them. I’ve given up several already, I’m proud to admit. Here is a list of some of the qualifications I had as a college student:

1. Had to be from a big city and not from Utah. (that lasted 3 years before I fell for a guy from Toquerville, Utah. Population 910.)

2. Had to be over 5’11 (love of my life admitted he was lying when he said he was 5’8” and was actually 5’7” yet I could have cared less)

3. Never married – because I never wanted to be compared to a previous wife (Yet, I dated another great guy who was divorced and was the most thoughtful of all I’ve dated)

Well, luckily I got over those childish reasons. But yet I’ve still held on to some with all my might and strength and won’t give them up because I’m too prideful to admit that they are childish. I’m not telling you what they are – I’ve already admitted too much here. But you know what I’m talking about. These stringent rules that eliminate really good men because we feel like we can’t control much in this life, so darn it, we are going to control this about who we marry!

Things like they had to served a mission and be righteous to this very day with no bumps in the road in their past, has to have all the skills to be a future Bishop, has to be charismatic and take the lead but also let you lead whenever you want to, can’t be shy, has to like your favorite types of movies or music, has to anticipate your needs before you know them…you can see how this list can be completely ridiculous.

I had a lot of epiphanies from this book and I’ll be posting about them later, but one other point I want to share is the need of letting the man I marry be human. If I expect a man to accept me for all that I am – with my many failings and quirks – I should give him a break and let him be just as human and quirky. If he wears bow ties and forgets to take out the trash, so what! As long as he loves and adores me and is a supportive husband. He should be allowed to be just as human as I am.

Do you see the difference from giving up some things you should never compromise from the things that really have no bearing on a good marriage? Having that realization is helping me think about the men in my life differently.

I challenge you (and myself) to take a good look at the men around you and see if they have the qualities you are looking for even if they might not be in the perfect packaging. Which guy makes you laugh? Which guy do you respect for how he treats you and others? Which guy is really kind and looks out for others? Even if they are 20 pounds overweight, no hair and dresses like he is a crazy professor - take the time to get to know them and flirt or even ask them out once. No, you aren’t committing to marriage so don’t get freaked out! You are just opening up your options and seeing people as Christ does.

I think you’d be really surprised as to who you might find attractive in the end – IF you just give him a chance.

From Where I Sit (Stella)

2011-10-27T09:45:00.006-06:00

I have a new, dear friend that has been kind enough to entertain some of my questions about dating from the male perspective. He's unbelievably patient with me and so far hasn't taken offense to anything I've asked which has endeared him to me forever. The following post is a slightly edited version of my response to my friend and be advised it's written with a great deal of passion and (I'm honest enough to admit) years of hurt feelings and disappointments. It is in no way intended to be a man bash or an invitation to tear our brothers apart but an honest out-pouring of one woman's heart.

The question I posed was: At what point is it okay to start looking outside the church for marriage opportunities? The answer (in a nutshell) I received: Never. You never give up hope and you never accept anything less. Be patient and have faith in the Lord.
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As a woman I am promised that I will have the opportunity for an eternal marriage if I live worthily of it in this life. I will receive it in this life or the next and "it mattereth not." Men do not have that same promise...(well not quite anyway) but are charged with the responsibility of preparing themselves through education and gospel pursuits and then going out and finding a wife while they are young(ish.) If through no fault of their own and despite their best efforts that blessing doesn't come then of course they have the same promise that we women do. That said I just flat out do not believe that any man who wants a marriage can't find it (please see disclaimer below.) Of course I've never been a man so I can't say that conclusively but I do know girls and lots of really good ones who will/have/do love men of all types, backgrounds, physicality, abilities etc.

Disclaimer: I have also known plenty of nightmares who have pummelled good men with their lies, selfishness and absolute lack of gratitude for the blessing of the good man by their sides. But this isn't about those girls - it's about the ones like myself and my fellow contributers to this blog. Good, loving, beautiful, faithful women who quite frankly deserve someone equally wonderful and who get pummelled themselves.

If you have not yet read A Single Voice by Kristen Oaks you need to. Run, do not walk to your local Deseret Book or computer and order it today. While discussing the importance of keeping our standards high Sister Oaks states something to the effect of "Men are not being who they are supposed to be." This is not said in a disparaging way and it is not said in a hateful way. It is stated as a fact of her experience and by so doing has validated mine. For any who may be offended by such a bold statement I ask you to reflect on the efforts of dear President Monson and the men and women who lead with him. Their gentle begging of single men to make something of themselves, get married, and start families (while promising them happiness and eternal joy) simultaneously brings tears of sorrow to my eyes and makes my Irish blood boil. What can I say? I'm a complicated woman and while I can be compassionate I've also had quite enough.

So while I agree in being patient, while I agree in being faithful I must stomp my foot and say what have I been the last 20 years but faithful and patient? Despite having heartbreak and frustration and normal human desires I have not left the church, I have not sacrificed my virtue (and not because I haven't wanted to,) I have not fallen away though many times I have given it thought. If I were to marry a man outside the church it would be with great care, prayer & fasting, priesthood blessings, and absolute confidence that I was not turning my back on the Lord's will for my life. I have absolute confidence that Heavenly Father would not leave me alone in that decision and if I felt the confirmation that it was okay I would move forward with all zealousness. So who is really being the faithless one? Who is really the one to lose their blessing? Me or the LDS men who have let me pass through their fingers? I declare emphatically it would not be me.

The Lord's will and counsel don't change. The scriptures are as true as the day they were given - I believe them with my whole heart. I know full well that eternal blessings only come through Temple ordinances and I know that we are to strive for Temple marriages. But I also believe that if I create a home with a man who loves and honors God and the Savior and loves and honors me then we will have an eternal marriage - in this life or the next. While I don't pretend to know what it would feel like to not share the Temple with my spouse or have him bless our babies, I did grow up in a home where my dad was a member and my mom wasn't. We had a wonderful, loving, faithful home and when the Lord's time came for our family to become eternal it did and always will be. Maybe I'm being naive, maybe today I'm just throwing a temper tantrum but my intention and my hope is that I'm being faithful. More then anything I hope I am pleasing the Lord in my quests and my pursuits. I would never choose an earthly family over an eternal one if I was offered both choices but at what point do I utilize that faith and belief that Heavenly Father will bless my life and my future family even if the opportunities brought to me are not in the package I expect?

And I must ask - am I really expected to live the next 1 minute - 60+ years lonely and miserable? Am I really to hold on to this painful hope that never seems to be realized? I have longed described this trial in my life as my version of Abraham sacrificing Isaac and while I have fought Heavenly Father and myself and prayed and begged and been sickened by the idea of earthly singleness I have, to the very best of my ability, offered my heart and my willingness to embrace this revolting idea if that is what the Lord wants. I have tried to walk up that mountain and raise that dagger in the form of focusing on work, family, friends, church, pursing so many degrees & opportunities the wall needs extra supports only to repeatedly find myself miserable and knowing that something huge is missing and I am not living the life I'm supposed to.

Now because as far as I can tell I have been (imperfectly of course) where I should have been, done what I should have done, accepted every date with every man who ever asked (unless I had good reason not to - i.e. safety.) I assume that I have done my part thus far. Because the desire and the hope and the never ending feeling & confirmation that it is the Lord's will that I am to be married and have a family I am lead to this...

If it is the Lord's will and it is my will - whose will is missing? I ask again - would a loving and just Heavenly Father withhold my eternal blessings or the one who has yet to show up?

Offerings (Anne)

2011-10-23T19:40:00.002-06:00

When I transferred from BYU to a Midwestern university, I enrolled in Institute. I was 22 at the time, and was returning to church activity after a horrific engagement to a boy who did not share my faith (and was an all-around awful person). I loved the Institute teacher, and I always felt like he “got me” in a way my religion professors at BYU did not.

Three years later, I returned from my mission, and a boy who I thought had waited for me broke my heart in rather devastating fashion. When Institute classes started, and that same teacher asked me questions about my mission and how I was adjusting, I told him about the boy and my fear that I would never get married.

My teacher said, “Maybe being single is going to be your Abrahamic trial.”

I wanted to punch him.

That was 13 years ago, and apparently, that Institute teacher was somewhat clairvoyant.

But I think of his analogy every so often, especially when I do things that I consider sacrifices. Trying online dating: an offering. Going to a single adult conference, where I am the youngest person in attendance by at least 25 years: an offering. Continual church attendance despite feeling like a complete freak: an offering.

Offering after offering on the Altar of Please-Don't-Let-Me-Die-Alone.

Last weekend, I attended one of those single adult conferences. I could only make it to parts of it, and really didn't have a chance to mingle much, but I went. And in the opening prayer of one of the speaker events, the pray-er asked that we would be blessed for our faith in attending.

I was so touched by that idea—that by going to the conference, by myself, knowing not a single soul could even be considered an act of faith.

I enjoyed the speakers (Barbara Thompson was one of them) and the one workshop I was able to attend before I had to leave for another obligation. I didn't see anyone close to my age. And yes, I know I probably shouldn't be age-ist, but I'm just not ready to date men closer to my father's age than mine.

I did not have enough faith to attend the dance.

But I laid down an offering just the same.

If They Are In Trouble So Are We (Stella)

2011-10-04T14:32:00.007-06:00

As I was doing a little "work avoidance" I came across this article on CNN's website and felt that familiar feeling of "I've got to blog this" come upon me. I ask you to hang in there with me - this is not a man bash, this is not a frustrated single girl vent and this is not an attempt to find someone to blame for my current life predicament. It is however, a frightening reality of our current society, and in typical Stella style I say let's examine and try to fix.

In this article it is discussed that men in U.S. society are falling behind women in education, career success, and family ties. I'll let you read and decide on your own but some of the high points are:

Women now surpass men in college degrees by almost three to two.

The out-of-wedlock birthrate is more than 40% in America. Of course we can only blame men for 1/2 of that...

Men are also less religious than ever before. According to Gallup polling, 39% of men reported attending church regularly in 2010, compared to 47% of women.

Current census reports that for the 1st time in recorded American history there are more singles then marrieds, & more adults then children.

I suppose the easy thing to do would be for those of us of the XX chromosome persuasion to point our fingers at our brothers and chastise them for not keeping up. 10 years ago I would have been at the front of the finger pointing line - however time and experience has shown me that things are not always as they seem. Therefore I must stop and ask:

Why?

As children of our Heavenly Father we know that women are no more talented or gifted then men - He has blessed us all with gifts, talents, and abilities. In America it can be argued that we all have similar access to education. As members of the church we all receive the same Prophetic guidance and counsel. So what gives? Some thoughts...

Divorce and the break up of families. How many have watched their parents marriage break up or other loved ones or maybe even their own and have sworn they will never again go through that?

Women's lib - no offense to any libbers out there but somewhere in the quest for equality we handed over our rights to chivalry, our God given right to be gentle and female and though I doubt that any of us mourn the demise of the corset, I for one wouldn't mind being taken care of once and a while even if I don't "need" to be and yes I'm willing to wear a corset to make that happen.

Selfishness and the waxing cold of mankinds' hearts. Marriage and family require putting others needs first every day - and for some this isn't very "fun."

Massive decline in morality and values. I can't help but think of the reference to buying the milk if the cow's giving it away...

Satan's all out attack on (I believe) men and their VITAL importance to women and the world. I long ago lost count of how many men have told me they aren't good enough for me. Knowing that I am no better then anyone else I have come to interpret this as "I don't have anything to offer you;" or "I don't want to put forth the effort that that would require;" or better said "I don't believe I have it in me."

Granted, all of this began long before any of us began our mortal journey and it's hard to say exactly when it started to fall apart. Maybe it began during WWII when women kept the country going and had a taste of earning income and working outside the home? Maybe it was the Flower Power and free love generation? Or maybe we can blame it on the invention of Atari (the article cites that men 18-34 play video games more then boys age 12-17.)

I wonder if this is a chicken/egg type of situation. Certainly as women we just might be the most educated and accomplished generation ever. Is that because we are career & achievement orientated or because we weren't given another choice? Certainly I believe most of us would have (and should have) pursued an education regardless but I'm quite certain I wouldn't have gone on to graduate school or have the career that I have if I had been given another option.

I decided long ago that I wanted a "good" life. I wanted to be able to care for my own needs, I wanted to be able to enjoy some of life's 'fineries' and since I didn't have a partner that landed squarely on my shoulders. For me, that meant formal education and a career. So the question I pose is: Have women surpassed men in these areas because we are these super go-getters or because we didn't have another choice?

My follow up question is to wonder if our achievements (and maybe even a get out of my way, I am woman hear me roar mentality that some of those achievements bring) have somehow pushed the men of our society into thinking that they can't, or shouldn't, or don't need to pursue their own achievements?

I can't help but think that if we expect men to return to who they once were we have to in part do the same. During the October 2000 general conference Margaret Nadauld said:

"Women of God can never be like women of the world. The world has enough women who are tough; we need women who are tender. There are enough women who are coarse; we need women who are kind. There are enough women who are rude; we need women who are refined. We have enough women of fame and fortune; we need more women of faith. We have enough greed; we need more goodness. We have enough vanity; we need more virtue. We have enough popularity; we need more purity."

I believe therein lies the challenge. We do not need to hide our intelligence or abilities nor do we need to stop reaching for our greatest potentials but perhaps as we draw closer to who we are to be we will clear the path for our brothers to embrace who they are. If women of the world returned to the virtues the Lord has outlined for us it seems to me that men would have no choice but to follow the example. Of course we are one small percentage of womanhood but if we can inspire other women with our examples perhaps change can begin to happen - maybe not everyone and certainly not immediately but I believe it can happen. Let us encourage the best of one another, love each other and cheer each other on to achieve all the Lord has sent us here to be.

The article concluded with this thought: "This decline in founding virtues -- work, marriage, and religion -- has caught the eye of social commentators from all corners." Make no mistake friends - if the world is starting to notice you can say with absolute authority:

WE.
ARE.
ALL.
IN.
TROUBLE.

Moneyball. (Anne)

2011-10-01T22:48:00.004-06:00

I saw Moneyball with a friend today. I'm an Aaron Sorkin fangirl, and he co-wrote the screenplay, and I'm a baseball fan, so it met the litmus test for being worth the price of matinee admission.

It didn't have the typical pizazz of a Sorkin script, but near the end of the film, the statistician shares a metaphor with the General Manager, Billy Beane.

He shows Beane footage of a minor league catcher—way overweight for baseball standards with an admitted fear of going to 2^nd base. He's at bat, hits a perfect pitch, and can tell from the contact that he hit it well. So he takes the leap. He approaches first and we see him round the base to head to 2^nd.

And he falls down.

He belly crawls back to first, because he doesn't want to be tagged out. Head in the dirt, he clings to the base, almost hugging it, despite the first baseman and the first base coach tugging at him, motioning for him to get up. He was so focused on staying safe at first base that he didn't see he had hit a home run.

In the movie, the metaphor was intended to persuade Beane to take a lucrative contract in Boston. But the metaphor wasn't lost on its applicability in my own life. I have this great career. People with whom I work respect me. I chair a committee that can affect true change. I write in my spare time. I teach piano lessons, raising a piano army for church. And I do a million other valuable things with my time.

But sometimes, my face is in the dirt and I'm belly crawling to first base, believing that I'm not valuable if I'm not married—and I can't be bothered to see all the home runs I'm hitting.

So. The next time you trip and fall into the self-esteem spiral that often accompanies being single and LDS, look up, as Elder Cook counseled Saturday afternoon in Conference.

Look up and see what you just knocked out of the park.

31 Dates in 31 Days: The Review (Anne)

2011-09-24T17:50:00.005-06:00

For the first time in my life—and I hope not the last—I had the opportunity to read an advance reading copy of a book. “31 Dates in 31 Days” is the tale of Tamara Duricka Johnson's quest to make sense of the madness that is dating.

This is a hard review to write for two reasons. First, I felt a bit of jealousy that I didn't come up with the idea to date 31 guys in 31 days, blog about it, turn the blog into a book, and possibly sell the movie rights (it really would make a pretty decent movie, in the spirit of “Julie and Julia.”) Second, the book caused me to examine my own approach to dating and relationships—and it was somewhat uncomfortable.

I identified all too well with Johnson's admissions of relationship-killing fallacies: rushing past dating stage into full-blown relationship; compromising her interests in order to save a relationship; and the big one—believing that any relationship was better than none, and making it work was imperative, because no one else was going to come along. Luckily, Johnson doesn't disclose these admissions until half-way through the book, and by that time I was too invested in her experiment to stop reading.

I'm not going to discuss plot at all—you can check out the website for that—but I will say that as I read the book (hard to put down, by the way—took me about three hours) I was tired for her. I would not be able to keep up the frenetic schedule she did: a demanding full-time job (which I also have), plus a date every single night. And while she set a minimum time limit of 31 minutes for each date, it seemed that all of them lasted at least 2-3 hours.

If I wasn't still trying to heal from a breakup, I know I would have adored this book. And that's not to say I didn't enjoy it—I did. But some of her words hit just a tad too close to home and forced me to examine my own failed relationships through a different lens, a lens that I was simply unprepared to face.

As for Johnson's writing, it is typical of the genre—accessible, engaging, with flashes of humor. My only criticism is that many of her dates seemed to end with her extrapolating some lesson or moral to help develop her new approach to relationships. I'm not sure such epiphanies were completely integral to the story-telling aspect of her experiment. I enjoyed just reading about the dates and didn't need to read all of the lessons she learned; a handful would have sufficed.

That said, I spent the better part of the day trying to figure out how I might run a similar experiment. I wouldn't be able to do it every day, but there's really no reason why I couldn't find a way to have a date every weekend for a specified period of time. And the hallmark of any good book is if it compels the reader to act, to change behavior.

Johnson acknowledges in her book that she is Mormon, but doesn't explore how Mormon culture complicates dating and relationships. I assume part of that is so that she can reach a wider audience, and perhaps because she converted to the faith later in life and might not have been raised with some of the expectations and fears that I was.

But I'm glad she left that part out, because that's my book to write.

31 Dates in 31 Days is available at your regular book-shopping locales. According to Amazon, its official release date is September 27.

Hope Springs Eternal...

2011-09-21T11:27:00.003-06:00

No matter how hard I try to squash it down it's there. No matter how many times I swear - NEVER AGAIN! it's there. No matter how many times I tell myself let it go - have faith or it's never going to happen move on and do your own thing - it's there.

Sunshiney, bright and effervescent, send you into an instant diabetic coma with its rich sweetness, freaking hope.

I have once again signed up on one of those "sites." Don't judge - you know the ones and I'm willing to bet at least 90% of you have tried it even if only 20% of us will admit it.

So the profile has been up for a few days and has managed to catch the eye of one particular, seemingly sweet fellow who wrote me quite possibly the sweetest, most flattering note I've ever received from one of these would be suitors and darn it all to heck (I've Pollyanna'd what I'd really like to say...) I feel that feeling again. Hope!

But, if I'm completely honest it's not just hope - it's more like this...

"I shouldn't even bother. Yes he's sweet to have reached out and flattered me in this way, and yes I am looking and he's quite cute and seems to be all good things and have his life together but you're almost at the point where you can give up and not want to off yourself...
...but maybe this time it will be different. Maybe he's everything he says it is and my wait is finally over. I pause to gather my strength before really letting my imagination run away...

This is where it takes off and gets interesting...

"We'll have an outdoor wedding and a yellow house and 2 dogs and 3 kids and we'll take our family vacations in September and I wonder what side of the bed I want and I hope there's 2 closets in the master bedroom and..."

Yeah. Have you ever wanted to step out of your body and slap your own face?

Chemistry and Timing (Anne)

2011-09-19T21:03:00.003-06:00

On tonight's season premiere of “How I Met Your Mother,” the ever-hopeful Ted arrives at the frightening realization that he no longer has hope. Talking to his friend Robin, Ted grapples with the reality that all of his high school friends are married and have families, and he doesn't.

He says, “I've stopped believing...not in a way I even noticed...every day I believe a little less, and a little less, and a little less, and that sucks.”

The advice Robin gives? To believe again. And not to believe in destiny, but to believe in chemistry. She says, “If you have chemistry, you only need one other thing. Timing.”

And, she continues, “But timing's a...”

Well, this is a Mormon blog, so I'm going to leave out the expletive, but you get the point.

And then I started thinking about how mopey I've been lately. Just this morning, as I once again wished for the boy to call or text, I thought, “Would he even want to be with me again, seeing me like this?”

Probably not.

I lack chemistry right now. That spark, that flirtatiousness that makes people want to be around me. Heck, I don't even want to be around me some days lately. I need that chemistry back, and I do see flickers of it a couple of times a week, so I just need to fan it and stoke it a little, until it's back completely.

And then, it's timing. Timing sucks. Timing is the sole reason why I'm dealing with a breakup in the first place. The timing was not right for us. And there's not a lot I can do about timing, other than read conference talks about patience and re-read Captain Wentworth's letter in Persuasion. Talk about timing—that letter is all about timing.

One element in my control, one element in God's hands. I'm guessing if I expect God to come through on his part, I should be a little more active in doing something about mine.

Pity party over.

I'm out to find some kindling.

A Day in the Life (Anne)

2011-09-14T19:36:00.002-06:00

5:30 AM, my alarm goes off and I pray for the feeling of sadness and dread to go away.

7 AM, sitting at my desk, buried in papers and lesson plans, I take a deep breath and forget that I woke up with sadness, put on my happy face, and I get to work.

11:30 AM, eating lunch with my friends, I take out my iPod and catch up on Twitter and my RSS feed, focusing on my digital world as an escape.

3:45 PM, working with my newspaper staff to finish our first issue, they make me laugh and they make me think, and for a couple of hours, I feel like I am actually making a difference.

7:30 PM, running on the treadmill, I realize after 17 minutes that I am hollow, going through the motions, and the TV show playing in front of me is horribly romantic and the sadness returns.

10 PM, on my knees at my bedside, I pray for my friends, for my students, for my family. I pray that I'll sleep through the night and that somehow I will wake up feeling like I did last week—normal, happy, over him. And then I pray for two men. For the one who said goodbye, I pray that the miracle he desires will happen. For the one I've yet to meet, I pray that he is well, and on his way to me soon.

Yesterday over at Segullah, a woman posted about the concept of God closing doors and opening windows, and she presents the idea that God might not work that way, rather closed doors are somehow meant to transform us. In the past six weeks, with a door slammed in my face, I have seen tiny transformations in myself. I am feeling more dependent on God now than I was on my mission or in grad school.

That is a pretty good transformation to make, right?

Dreams (Stella)

2011-09-11T12:00:00.004-06:00

Today is a special day. A day for reflection and evaluation. A day to remember our blessings and spend time with our loved ones. Today I pause to remember all the things this day means to me and I imagine to all of us. I remember those whose mortal journey ended 10 years ago and my heart goes out to their families and loved ones. Not only is it the day that changed our country forever but it is also my birthday. My birthday is an insignificant part of this post but I throw it in there because as I add another year to my time on the earth I ponder my life and pose a question.

I pause to remember that one of the ways we honor those whose sacrifice allow us to continue on is to in fact - continue on. I'm wondering if any of you have found yourself either now or in the past where I now find myself. Think back to that day you graduated from high school. Maybe it was 5, 10, 20, 25 or more years ago. Think about all of the dreams you had for yourself - where you would go, what you would do, see, experience. How many of those dreams have been realized?

I'm grateful to say that I set some big dreams for myself and was raised to believe that I could and would accomplish them all if I worked hard enough. Though it took me a while and wasn't easy, I'm happy to say that I've accomplished every single one that I had for myself except one. I've finished my education, traveled the world, am well ensconced in my career, bought a little house with 2 recliner chairs and a big TV just like I imagined as a teenager dreaming of her own space and through it all have become someone I really like.

In spite of these blessings however, I have one dream that for the foreseeable future remains out of my grasp. Unfortunately attached to this one dream are countless others that would take me through old age and without the first one happening the others are like fine mist that get dimmer and dimmer as the years go on. It seems to me that if I'm going to make it to my next birthday without going completely crazy I need some new dreams.

What are your dreams? Maybe I could borrow one for a little while until I find some of my own. Please keep in mind that I'm a bit fearless - I'll jump out of it, off of it, or on to it. I'll save for years to get there, give up sleep to accomplish it, and anything short of sacrificing my moral or value system will give all to attain it. I only speak English fluently but have never let that stop me and thanks to an impulsive personality will only think it through after I've already done it.

I'm looking to find something to wake up for - that sounds pathetic and a wee bit sad but it is what it is. When you choose to live life only for yourself life is pretty meaningless but when you live life for yourself because you haven't been given any other choices it's down right painful. I spend my life serving others - every single day I help and love and lift and support. While that keeps me going and blesses my life in countless ways I still go home each night to an empty house and an emptier heart. I want to rediscover the girl I used to be who was hopefully waiting & diligently searching for her sweetheart while tearing up the world around her and I think a new dream or two is just what the doctor ordered.

He's NOT the One!!! (Marnie)

2011-09-07T20:55:00.000-06:00

Have you ever gone on a date with a guy that you knew you had NO intention of ever going out with again? So why did you say yes in the first place? maybe he caught you off guard or it was a pity date. Or it was just nice to go out on a date. If you weren't interested even MORE after the 2nd date - for whatever reasons - did he ask you out again? Of course he did! It’s almost like clockwork. Why does that happen? Because you weren’t that interested! They sense that and men do love a good chase. I’ve seen it time and again with me and with my friends. For me, I try to let my date know I'm not interested by acting completely like myself, like I don’t care what I say or do, and even try to remain a bit standoffish - yet they STILL ask for a 2nd date. That behavior is like a perfume they can't resist. They still go hunting and try to get another date. They love it especially when the prey isn't interested and even running away…it’s in their nature.

If only we could do that with the men we ARE interested in! If I'm interested in a guy and he has several qualities I'm looking for - he may even be on my "potentials list" for a future husband - I act completely different. Instead of disinterest, I'm very interested in what he says and does, I try to act just perfectly, very attentive and oh so willing to be flexible and helpful in any way - probably too much. What is the result? Well, usually, he sees I'm interested and suddenly he isn't...there's no chase.

It's just the way it is...

Well, I just read an article by Holly Sidell that had a great point – you should really date guys believing they're NOT "the one!" (You know, the man you've been dreaming of.) Holly's coach told her that "the one" doesn't exist. There is no perfect person for you, just the person you marry. That isn't the romantic dream we all have about our future spouse, but Holly believes this is a good philosophy! If you are able to get "the one" thought out of your head and think of the guy as just another date, you'll keep yourself from investing too much in him and take the pressure off the date. She says we often attach too many emotions and stories into our heads of what we want to happen. (So TRUE!) And another great reason: it makes you look a little disinterested - if he even remotely likes you, he’ll chase you!

I know it seems impossible to do – NOT comparing the guy in front of you to what “you want” and wondering how he would be as a husband and father to your future children. And if he is a really great guy and you two really do click, you start making your mental list of what you are looking for and start thinking things like, "he could be the one" - you've fallen into that trap! But as the article says, you should instead think, “that’s a trait I would like in my future husband.” That way you still are identifying his good points but keeping him out of the your temple marriage mental picture. If he really is a guy you should marry, you’ll get there! How many friends of yours dated a guy they had no intention of getting serious with and then ended up marrying with the common comment of, “I had no real interest at first and he didn’t seem my type at all!”

I think they may have something…

So that’s my goal…the next cool guy that asks me out, I will repeat over and over and over in my head during the date, “He’s not the one.” I only hope I can pull it off! In the end, I think it will save me a lot of grief.

Seeking: Flat Stomach & Tight Tush (Stella)

2011-09-02T12:26:00.004-06:00

I have a dear, sweet, beautiful friend who made the unfortunate choice to do a little cyber surfing for blogs of LDS single men. Unfortunately...she found a few. She called me and I have never once in the 15 years I've known her heard such hurt and loss of hope in her voice. I wish I could tell you that she found a blog or two of single men discussing their struggles in finding a virtuous woman but as you might imagine she found instead the ramblings of Victoria Secret soaked frontal lobes spinning fabulous tales of how they have every right to a "hot" woman and will settle for nothing else. Then they went on to describe what "hot" is and proved that their yardstick of worthiness is about as minimalistic as their thinking.

We've all known men and women who approach their quest for a companion with "hot" as their only criteria and if you're in my business you've seen the fruit of some of those conquests. What can I say? You get what you ask for and that's not always a good thing.

My sweet friend has the same human frailties that you and I do and suffers the consequences of those frailties. She, like many of us at one time or another, has been fighting a battle with her weight which seems to settle upon her in leaps and bounds - even if she's just sucking an ice cube. With that weight gain comes sadness, which brings more food to feel better, which = a vicious circle that's hard to get out of. She has come to believe that is what has kept the blessings of marriage from her and unfortunately she found a burden of proof in the words of those who should probably have a life coach following them around 24/7.

I believe that we all have the right to our version of attractive and I believe we all have the right to our version of unattractive. I'm a tall girl who loves high heels and I have always had a problem dating men shorter then me. It makes me feel like an amazon and while those who are chest high don't seem to mind it makes me feel ginormous and makes hugs awkward. I try really hard not to use that as a measurement of a man's worth and have dated many a shorter guy so I could get to know them better. Now granted I realize that a person's height is outside of their control and that a person's weight in most cases very much is. I also realize that being overweight may send others unintended messages of laziness, unadventurous or even slovenly, unmotivated or unhealthy. As adults though we should be able to look past this and see the person - their character, their worth, their value, and their contributions - then we decide if all of those things (coupled with attraction of course) is someone who makes you want to be a better person and who would be a wonderful addition to your life.

As I talked with my friend it occurred to me that these individuals - whether they be men or women - who solely use flat stomachs and tight tush's as their companion seeking criteria are really no one that any of us needs to be all that concerned with. While the current definition of beauty in our society is well defined by entities such as the media and Hollywood you don't have to go too far back in history to see very different definitions where a plus size woman would have been drooled over for her softness and ample self.

My point is that these particular individuals who wrote these particular blogs and hold these particular ideals are going to find their unrighteous desires no matter what labels we are talking about. They are going to find their excuses (and the fruits thereof) about why they are not following the counsel of the Prophets and I say we give them as much credit and attention as if they were saying they would only marry a woman with a huge stomach and saggy tush. Acknowledge it for the crazy thing that it is and move on with life. Just like they are going to lose the opportunity with a virtuous, beautiful woman like my sweet friend they are also going to lose the virtuous, beautiful, tight tushed girl who knows she is more then a tight tush and deserves better then the rants of the deranged.

I'm all for beautifying ourselves. Look your best, keep yourself active and healthy, explore the world and all your possibilities - not because your quest ends in a tight tush but because it ends in becoming the ruby talked about in Proverbs 31. A life where we magnify our mission on the earth and ultimately honor and glorify our Heavenly Father with the lives that we live. In the Lord's time after our sweethearts and ourselves have been made ready He will bring us together.

In the meantime to the authors of those vile writings that momentarily crushed the spirits of my sweet friend I have one (highly edited) thing to say:
Unless it was in one of those books that was lost I have no memory of the scriptures defining a beautiful, virtuous son or daughter of God, who can access the heavens and eternities, by how good he or she looks laid out spread eagle in a worldly catalog. And just in case it is in one of those lost books I think we've discovered why the Lord "hid it up." Get a clue....and a life coach.

So It Turns Out I'm Human.

2011-08-21T17:18:00.002-06:00

A long time ago, I decided I would not allow myself to be emotionally manipulated by a man. I would not let him woo me with fancy words or romantic gestures, because I didn't want to deal with the inevitable opposite.

So when I let my guard down last spring and allowed a man to woo me with fancy words and romantic gestures, I would apologize every time I'd talk to my friends, because I was gushy and gooey and downright disgusting.

They kept telling me I was human.

And when he told me he needed to move on three weeks ago, I tried to be robotic, stone-faced. One day, I was with a friend and could not stop crying. I kept apologizing to her, saying that it had been a week, and I should be over it, and I had no right to still be upset.

She told me I was human.

I saw The Philadelphia Story last night with a friend, and the men in the film really work over Tracy Lord and her superwoman approach to keeping men at bay in the name of emotional preservation. At the end of the film, she realizes her steely exterior has actually drawn in a man with whom she has zero chemistry, a man who would not challenge her, a man who expected a neat, near-robotic, tidy wife instead of a nuanced and at times emotionally messy wife. She exclaims with great joy, “I'm human! I'm human!” before walking down the aisle to remarry her ex-husband.

I've seen The Philadelphia Story several times, but it was the first time that Tracy's discovery that she was indeed human affected me. I thought of how many times in the past four months I have apologized to people for either being unable to stop smiling or unable to stop sobbing. True, one of my friends commented earlier in the summer that it was somewhat bizarre to see me so giddy, because I was always so rational and even-keeled. But she was glad to see I was capable of being “normal.” And when I was crying in her car a couple of months later, apologizing for being such horrible company, she told me to stop apologizing, told me I'd be okay, and told me I was “normal.”

Apparently, I'm human.

When It's Over...

2011-08-09T16:05:00.004-06:00

So I spent all summer wrapped up in a relationship that I felt had real potential, and last week it ended. Abruptly. So abruptly, that I'm still reeling, and I don't want to be a complete downer so I've purposely held off writing here, but I feel like I need to put this thought out there...

Seeing a relationship end at my age is so much more complicated than it was when I was in my 20s. Yes, I miss him terribly and I'm confused and hurt and all those familiar emotions that I felt when guys would break up with me over a decade ago. But my hurt is now compounded by a fear that I might not meet many more suitable men. After all, it took quite a long time to find the one who left me last week...and it's not like I have a whole lot of options where I live, unless I'm willing to go to bars.

Which I'm not.

I need more time to process and heal from this, but I want to offer up this tiny piece of hope: in the past week, I have felt God's love for me more acutely than ever before in my life. As friends learned the news, they prayed for me, and I felt their prayers. And even though every night I've been on my knees, sobbing, my heart feels peace. I have no idea how this summer fits into God's plan for me (and I can't try to make sense of it now, because the first place I end up on that train of thought is Bitterville) so for now, I focus on my career that I love, my family that I love, and my God that I love.

After all, they all love me more than he did.

Dream A Little Dream...

2011-08-01T15:36:00.001-06:00

I am one of those kooky romantic types who thinks dreams actually speak to me and teach me something new. I remember my dreams, often in vivid detail, and can usually find symbolism or at least explanation for the dreams I have.

About five years ago, for one week, I had the exact same dream. I can still remember snippets of it now. I was being chased. I was with someone I loved—though I don't remember who. And I was carrying a bouquet of red balloons. We were making our way through a train station, and every night, we were caught, and I would wake up right as our chasers, guns drawn, found us in a baggage car.

By the sixth night of this dream, I was afraid to go to sleep. But I eventually fell asleep, and the dream started again. Same sequence. We got to the train station, and a thought came to me:

“If you want a different outcome, you must let go of the balloons.”

But the balloons apparently were important to me, because I was hesitant to let them go. I ran a few more steps, looked up at the balloons, and then let them go. My loved one and I managed to escape with ease, and I haven't had that dream since.

So why I am telling you about a five year-old dream? Because while at the time, that dream taught me something important about my professional life, I find myself thinking about it now as I am once again navigating the waters of relationships. I struggle to make different emotional choices than I've made in the past, citing all the failed relationships as reasons why I need to maintain a brick wall around my heart, or why I can't trust him.

But, as the saying goes, “if you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten.”

Or something like that.

I have to let go of my bouquet of red balloons of damaged relationships, and take the chance that he isn't like the others. And sure, he could turn out to be like the others, but a certain path to that outcome is to make the same choices I always have.

It might be time to choose a different outcome.

The Will of the Father

2011-07-17T20:24:00.001-06:00

I gave a talk in church at the end of May. The topic? Following Christ's example by submitting our will to the Father.

I stifled a chuckle when the 2^nd counselor in the bishopric gave me the topic. Of all the people in the ward, I'm sure am the worst example of someone who follows Christ's example by submitting to the will of the Father. Because the truth is, I haven't so much as submitted to His will as I've been strapped into it with ropes, buckles, and duct tape, and no matter how I try to wiggle free, I can't.

I would love to be married. Everything I've been taught in church (and continue to hear in church) suggests that marriage should be part of God's will for me. I've examined this topic for the past couple of months, especially through the lens of being a single woman in a predominantly married church.

A friend once told me that she wished I just knew when—or if—I'd ever be married. If I knew, for example, that I would meet a great guy at 41 and marry at 42, she figured my life would be a little bit easier to bear. True, that some of the angst I feel often springs from flat-out not knowing if it will ever happen. But isn't that the whole point of faith? To believe and hope, despite conventional wisdom telling me not to?

Faith is so hard. I often turn to the women of the Old Testament for support. Never mind the conditions in which they lived (no Sephora or indoor plumbing!), these women were TRIED. Sarah, who with Abraham shared the promise of millions of children had to see her handmaid conceive easily. Rachel, who wanted to badly to marry Isaac but her older sister got in the way. Esther, who had to essentially save an entire nation.

Each of these women—and I'm sure others who were excised at various councils as the Biblical canon was formed—had moments where faith failed them, and moments where faith sustained them, all the while keeping their eye toward what their Father required of them.

And this is where I know I can improve. I know what God asks of me, yet I consistently fall short. I'm mostly certain that He's not withholding a spouse until I stop making mistakes, but I'm also mostly certain that as I continue to develop more faith in His will for me—which I have to believe includes marriage—I will be so much happier.

Patriarchal Blessings (Posted by Stella)

2011-07-09T14:46:00.007-06:00

As I've mentioned before I take a great deal of joy in reading the posts that readers leave. I take encouragement and support from those who confess having similar struggles, I take a renewed sense of commitment from those who cheer me on, I shake my head at those whose judgements are well...nonsensical and ridiculous and I hurt when I read someones comments about their own pain.

Some time back someone made a post and asked that we discuss patriarchal and other Priesthood blessings. You know the ones, the kind where we have been promised certain blessings only to wait, and wait, and wait some more to have them realized. Where we are given comfort and peace only to have it disappear as the days, weeks, months, or even years continue by. This particular comment broke my heart because I could envision through her words a certain hopelessness that her promised blessings were being withheld and all of the feelings that came with it. I know that feeling well and struggle myself to make sense of the Lord's will and many times have questioned my personal revelations. I've thought about her post many times and wondered how best to go about it.

I'm not going to give you Stella's interpretation or vision of what our blessings mean - I have neither the wisdom, understanding or authority to do so BUT I will share some of the things that I have come to learn through my own trials and will reference some talks by those who do have the proper authority to have a valid opinion.

Promises made to us in our Patriarchal blessings may be realized at any time during our spiritual journey (pre-existence, mortality, or in the eternities.) Oh how I wish I had perfect faith so that I could say "OK, if not now then I won't worry about it." But, if you're anything like me then this is little comfort...

I remember watching a panel discussion on BYU TV where one of the panelists said that the desire for marriage or children is a RIGHTEOUS desire (i.e. if you're living as you should your desires are in line with God's will.) If those desires are as yet unrealized that desire isn't going to go away as long as you continue to live RIGHTEOUSLY. Seems wildly unfair to me and not much incentive to keep holding on to the rod, HOWEVER;

I do believe with all my heart that if being single is not okay with you, if you can't get peace about it, if the heartache and the desire refuse to go away (despite prayers and pleadings and a true effort to focus on the life that Heavenly Father has blessed you with) THEN there's a purpose to it. I do not believe for one single second that our loving Heavenly Father would let us be miserable and watch us struggle if He did not intend that struggle for our good. What would be the point to have so many of His daughter's in quiet pain and sorrow if it were not for our betterment? So what then is He trying to teach us and why does it hit us at different times in life (meaning - why some women in their early, mid or late 20's and some of us can handle it until our 30's etc...)

#1 - We all have our free agency. I imagine many of us have an experience where the person we were dating would have been a great match and we could have had a very happy life only to watch them turn their back and walk off (and maybe even some of us were the ones walking away.) That's not God's intention but He doesn't take our free will away. So if this has happened to you I believe that our blessings don't disappear just b/c someone else used their free agency poorly - we are affected unfortunately but it doesn't make our blessings null and void. It does mean we have to continue to wait, which is akin to having your fingernails pulled out one by one...very slowly...with plastic tweezers.

#2 - We are in the last days - the Prophets have been telling us this for quite some time. I think (?) it was President Kimball who said that (I'm paraphrasing here) only those with a DEEP and UNMOVABLE testimony about the importance of families would be able to navigate their family successfully through the last days. I interpret that to mean that only those who have this testimony will be able to keep their family together, teach their children the gospel, and successfully overcome the adversary's full on attack on anyone with any level of goodness in them.

#3 - I take this thought a little further and realize that few people appreciate things that they haven't had to work to the end of their strength to obtain. The things that I value the most are the ones that didn't come easily and that includes my desire for a husband and children. The wait has been unbearable at times and the path to get to this place (and the places still yet to be traversed) has been strewn with opportunities to forget who I am and more importantly why I am here. Now, tell me that's an accident.

#4 - I feel confident in saying that I have made some huge mistakes in my quest to find my family. I have certainly chased my own wisdom and have not been as vigilant as I could have been in trusting Heavenly Father. I have learned through my own experience the good from the bad, happiness from sorrow, that my way will always lead me to destruction and I hope have proven to our Heavenly Father that He can trust me. No matter how far I fall it is Him I will always come back to.

To our dear sister who questions the blessings that she has been given. I wish I had the perfect words to share or the right story to say that would renew your strength and bolster your faith. I'm sorry to say that I don't - but I will say this: If you are continuing to go to church, to follow the counsel of the Prophets, to do the things that you know are right, to serve and love others then YOU ARE BEING FAITHFUL! Do not, for even a moment, let a self-deprecating feeling or a thoughtless observance from someone else make you feel forgotten or lost or wrong or worthless.

Heavenly Father knows with perfect knowledge how hard this is on us. Single-hood is not His way or plan nor is our hurt His purpose. Our Savior feels our pain and I have no doubt They cry with us during those times when we feel like we just can't take one more day. He doesn't expect us to be perfect but He does expect us to try, to keep going, to fall down when we must but to not give up. He needs to know that He can trust us with His precious children because I also believe that the spirits that we are waiting for are going to be some of His most choice. They need mothers whose strength goes to the core, our future husbands need women who will not falter, and the world needs women who will fight for righteousness. If we're being successful out here on our own just imagine what we'll accomplish in the walls of our own homes with a righteous partner by our sides. While we are being prepared so is the one we will take this journey with. Maybe he's not quite ready and our time would be well spent praying for him.

I also believe that if I didn't have something truly spectacular to offer my future family satan wouldn't waste his time on me. If I wasn't going to be a fantastic wife and mother he'd go harass someone else. I believe the same is true for you. When you feel lost, forgotten, alone, lonely, hurt, afraid, hopeless, or less then please remember those feelings do not come from Heavenly Father. The plan of happiness is about 1 thing and 1 thing only. Families. If we weren't future feathers in the proverbial cap of the kingdom satan wouldn't bother. If we weren't heading in the right direction we wouldn't struggle so hard with being single. If it wasn't in the cards for us Heavenly Father would make it okay. If it's not okay, then it's not over.

One of my favorite talks that remind me that my promised blessings and personal revelations are real is by Jeffrey R. Holland: Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence: http://speeches.byu.edu/?act=viewitem&id=795&tid=7

Your promised blessings are real. I don't know when our hopes and desires will be realized and I don't understand why they are so long in coming but I do know that they will. I believe that the endurance and strength we utilize every day living full and productive and most importantly FAITHFUL lives despite going through this particular trial that seems to so strongly affect the lense that we look at life with is no small thing and I like to think an indicator of just how special we each are.

Lessons from the Mission.

2011-07-03T20:46:00.004-06:00

Thirteen years ago this week, I returned from my mission. I remember feeling like I would never forget the lessons I learned, and many of them I haven't. But one very important lesson I had forgotten, until today.

Whenever God's children try to do something right and good, they might be met with opposition. As a missionary, when someone chose to be baptized, I saw this so often—suddenly she was tempted with things she didn't even know were weaknesses. It's been said that Satan knows our weaknesses and he exploits them anyway he can. And I fell victim to that today.

One of my biggest weaknesses is assuming men do not like the way I look. I come by it honestly—more than one boy has broken up with me and given my looks or my weight as the reason why.

After a particularly rough day at church, I walked to my car, and this principle came to my mind: just like Satan tries to keep people from choosing to be baptized, or go to church, or make simple right choices, he was exploiting my deep-seeded self-loathing to keep me from opening my heart to a good man.

As I reflect on the past couple of days, I can see clearly how it happened—how the thought was planted, how it grew, and how I felt strangled by it by the day's end. And when I floated my theory past my sister this afternoon—that the adversary was pitting me against myself to sabotage a potentially good thing—she said, “I had that thought last night.”

“Why didn't you tell me then?” I asked.

“Would you have listened to it?” she countered.

Good point. I may have, I may have not. But making that connection on my own was certainly more powerful than hearing it from my sister. Finding a spouse is a good thing, an important thing, a righteous thing. So of course Satan would want to thwart that any way he can.

I don't want to give him the satisfaction.

Introducing Anne Elliot

2011-07-01T08:01:00.002-06:00

I first read Jane Austen's Persuasion after one of the roughest breakups I've ever experienced. And it gave me hope—maybe the man who left me would be my Captain Wentworth! Alas, he was not, but I reread the good Captain's letter to Anne often, as a reminder that men do have the capacity to love and ache as much as women do.

(Yes, I know a woman—Jane Austen--actually wrote that letter. It's called “willing suspension of disbelief.” I'm an English teacher.)

I used to be a serial monogamist when dating. For the past 10 years though, I've just been on a lot of first dates.

I occasionally cycle through the hell that is online dating and have made some good connections...until we meet in person...and then my self-esteem takes a beating. I don't live in Utah, California, Arizona, or Virginia, where there seem to be large pockets of LDS menfolk, so I am somewhat limited in my dating options if I want to stick to marrying someone who is LDS.

My major dysfunction in developing relationships is trust, and not making current men pay for the mistakes and hurt past men have inflicted.

I've written a couple of guest posts here, mostly when I've needed to write about the unique challenges of being single and I don't want my mom to see it (she reads my personal blog daily). I've admired the women on this blog for years, and have drawn strength from their posts, and I'm excited and honored to help keep it going!

Another Response to Jill's Comment (guest post from Anne)

2011-06-27T18:00:00.000-06:00

Dear Jill,

I took a class in graduate school called “Internet Communities.” In this class, we examined how the Internet had the ability to form communities regardless of geographical difficulties. My own research in this class examined Fantasy Football leagues. The small sample I researched suggested to me that Fantasy Football leagues did not form true communities.

However, some of my peers found that certain online forums actually form true communities. Dieting websites, where people share struggles of healthy living, are often communities. People on these sites form true friendships, albeit via a virtual medium. My mom is a member of a Cricut forum, where she has formed online friendships with women who share a common bond of crafting. A blog I read daily, Feminist Mormon Housewives, is also a community of more liberal-minded LDS men and women (and many non-LDS men and women) who wrestle with reconciling personal opinion with the Gospel of Jesus Christ. They share an interest in the LDS faith and in what it means to be Christian. Often, members of this online community actually meet in real life for “snackers,” where faces and names are put together, and friendships are made stronger. It is a community, a place where people of like mind (and sometimes unlike mind) can gather and share and cry and lament yet also find joy and solidarity and resilience.

While posts on this blog are not written daily, the writers provide an invaluable service—an online community for single LDS women who are wrestling with reconciling a Gospel perspective of what it means to be single with the world's perspective of what it means to be single.

My life is incredibly fulfilling. I'm happy. I'm busy. I'm successful. But in quieter moments, like Sunday afternoons or late Thursday nights, I think of how nice it would be to have a companion. This is not an experience limited to LDS women—last night I chatted with a friend who is not LDS, in her 30s, single, and she shared identical frustrations and fears. She is also busy and successful and happy and fulfilled in what she is currently doing, but also desires a companion. That's just the human condition, regardless of religion.

My day-to-day life is not a “painful struggle,” but just as my sisters have painful moments with their husbands and kids, I have painful moments of being single. Posts on this blog give me hope, if for nothing else, by letting me know that the dark moments are not mine to bear alone. For more often than not, the posts here are grounded in a knowledge of a loving Heavenly Father and a Savior who atoned for the sadness we sometimes feel at lives that didn't turn out the way our Young Women leaders promised they would.

So don't pity us, but don't deny us the human emotion of sadness and longing, either. I've seen parents cry at choices their children make—do I tell them to man up and move on with life? No. I comfort those in need of comfort, for I am willing to bear their burdens as my own.

Anne

Response (Marnie)

2011-06-24T16:50:00.000-06:00

This post is in response to one of the comments to Stella’s Why Marriage Matters. I wasn't going to write one because it seemed silly to defend myself, but another reader asked us to comment. So this is mine.

First the comment from Jill:

"Just stumbled onto this blog and sorry, some of it is kind of scary. I come from a really stable Mormon home and I don't believe in spending copious amounts of time lamenting about being single. I get that you need to express yourself, but if you are still this depressed, it might not be working. I don't think you should give up, but maybe you need to focus on what is positive in your life and if there isn't much, maybe you need to make some changes. In my opinion, viewing everything as a "painful struggle" is reflective of a lack of faith in God's plan for you-not proof of some kind of superior insight or nobility. Life can be really beautiful and fun, regardless of your marital status. This wallowing in misery is not healthy.”

Marnie's Response:
Jill, this blog about being single - not about golf or movies or cooking. Our point is all about the struggles of dating and relationships of women over the age of 30. So to think we obsess about it non-stop is in complete error. I promise you I have a very full life filled with great things and OTHER problems - just like everyone else. But we don't share those things here.

I feel bad that you worry about our depression level. I assure you that we constantly look at the greatness in our lives and revel in it. And you'll see that in MANY of our posts. No one believes more than me that life is beautiful and fun! I’ve been on this earth 40 years and have seen and experienced so much, but it's unfair to look down on me just because I talk about my “painful struggles” here on this blog.

I will admit that at times the sadness from what I don't have can be overwhelming and makes it difficult to stay positive. And when I struggle, I like to share. I find other readers have related to my posts – as you so apparently haven’t. They have read that I am not perfect - that I do struggle with understanding for God’s plan for me. They have also seen me express how I have conquered tough situations and loneliness from a broken heart (several times now). I do not believe my posts have ever brought them down or encouraged depression as a way to deal with being single.

I do wholehearted apologize to you and anyone else that thinks I've written these posts to show how I’m superior or noble I am because I think my life is harder than others. I have never tried to write that way. I also do not look down on the lives of women that haven’t married or have I ever thought they're lives weren't full of amazing things. The truth is they have their lives and I have mine. I'm only worried about my own and I only write about my own.

Everyone has a trial that seems to stick by them for a very long time. I was sick for 5 years in my 20s before I fully recovered and it was a very difficult burden to bear. Being single after many efforts to be married is my current burden to bear. The point is we all have our trials that are supposed to bring us to our knees so we can pray to our Heavenly Father and Savior for help. And that help comes through the atonement of Christ and helps us heal and move on. And both experiences (and many others) have done that for me.

Have you ever had your heart broken, Jill? I have a hard time believing you have…otherwise you wouldn’t be so trite, condescending, and unsympathetic about our desire to obtain eternal marriage on this earth. You have misinterpreted our growth and search for understanding - although it hasn’t been pretty at times - as some sort of wallowing in misery. And you are completely wrong. I feel that if you really read our posts, it would be evident to you.

But that's ok...Good luck, Jill and all the best to you! No need to come back and visit - it’s obvious we have nothing for you.

Why Marriage Matters

2011-06-05T20:41:00.002-06:00

We've had a new friend join our faithful readers. Judging by his comments I am going to assume that he is not a member of our faith nor has he taken the time to respectfully educate himself on the what's and why's of who we are. But that's okay - that's what a free speech society is all about and truthfully we are a peculiar people (and proud to be so) so there's a lot for a non-LDS person to raise their eyebrows about. It does bring an interesting and sharp focus though to the difference between the LDS mindset of marriage, family, and life purpose versus what the general current world view is.

Hopefully our new friend will take a closer look and realize that this is not a place to be disrespectful or contentious. This is a place where a few share their points of view, feelings and ideas. Sometimes others agree and sometimes they don't. What I invite him and each of us to think about is this...

Leave religion out of things. Leave morals and values and tradition and "normal" by the wayside. Leave white, black, rich, poor - your culture, my culture behind. Now take a look at the world. What do you see? Are people happy? Are people satisfied with their lives? Are people fulfilled? Do people feel loved, valued, like they matter? What characteristics or traits prevail? Is it kindness or selfishness? Is it progressing or is it doing just enough to get by so you can do the bare minimum that anyone might expect? Are people better off today then they were 5 years ago? Do people have hope? Feel safe? Feel like they have value?

I can tell you as a professional therapist without fear of (legitimate) contradiction ABSOLUTELY NOT! I see clients from every walk of life, every race, every culture, every socio-economic status and I can say without hesitation that there's a whole lot of darkness and unhappiness out there. Too many people trying to fill their needs by taking from everyone and everything around them.

So back to our little blog. We lament about the painful struggle of wanting people to love, we lament about wanting a family to serve, we even lament about the fears that we'll never have the opportunity to do this thing we desire so much. We don't lament because we're women, or Mormons, or marriage hungry. We lament because we know that true happiness, true fulfillment comes from loving and serving others and the most pure form of that is within the walls of a family.

In fairness I'm guessing our new friend, like so many others in the world, have never seen or experienced the wonderfulness that this type of home is. If you've never seen it, never experienced it, never gotten close to it then it's easy to understand how to you it may sound like a Walt Disney movie hopped up on massive amounts of sugary Leave It To Beaverness that is unreal and unattainable.

But for those of us who know exactly what it is and exactly what we're missing we're going to continue to lament. This is why we are on the earth. This is what we all work so hard for. This is what I will fight for until my last dying breath. I will fight and I will never give up because I have experienced it. I know it exists and I know that it is the only way to be sure that the mark I leave on this blog and the world around me is one of selfless love, kindness, and light that will trump every dark, selfish and self-loathing deprecating notion the world will ever teach.

So go ahead and question us new friend. Go ahead and share your thoughts and by all means please think us strange. We know who we are. We know why we are here. We know where we are going and how to get there. We are more then willing and very happy to share what we know so that you too may discover who you really are and may find the kind of joy that only comes from the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Continue to challenge us - but be ready for a fight. When you know what's true you don't deny it and you don't back down no matter how loud the wind around you howls.

The Audacity of Hope (Anne Elliot, guest post)

2011-05-21T00:00:00.000-06:00

I can feel it again.

That space in my heart that I've kept closed off for so long is starting to fill, and at times I'm worried it will burst.

That lurch in my stomach that borders on nausea every time I see his name on my phone or read his emails.

That lump in my throat when I click “send” and worry that I've revealed too much, too soon, and I'll never hear from him again.

And that tingling in my toes when I do hear from him again, the euphoria that he's chosen me for one more day.

It's been years since I felt this, and I'm surprised at how easily and how fast it returns.

I play angel and devil in my head.

The angel says to enjoy the moment, develop the friendship, trust his words.

The devil tells me I have no reason to hope, he's just like the others, and to not be surprised when it's over.

I really thought I had lost this ability, this capacity to feel hope and happiness, the beginnings of a possible relationship. I was prepared to live the rest of my life alone. Now I don't want to. I feel these physical manifestations of emotions and I want more. Whether it's with him, whether it's with someone I've yet to meet,
I'm not ready to give up after all.

I really thought I was.

Men

2011-05-12T09:17:00.000-06:00

Today I am thinking about men. As a lover of all things boy (and regularly confused by them) I find myself often watching men and wondering what makes them tick. I pray the Spirit will be with me and I am going to write VERY CAREFULLY to ensure that my post today is not mis-interpreted...Heaven help me.

Ever since our last general conference (April 2011) I have been thinking about Elder Oaks talk on Saturday afternoon: "Desire." http://lds.org/general-conference/2011/04/desire?lang=eng
Elder Oaks said many things but this got my attention: "I am sure that some anxiously seeking young men would want me to add that there are some young women whose desires for a worthy marriage and children rank far below their desires for a career or other mortal distinctions. Both men and women need righteous desires that will lead them to eternal life."

I wish I had the guts to ask some of the never married, divorced or single LDS men that I know some of these questions...

Do you want/desire to be married?

Do you feel marriage is important?

Have you ever met someone you thought you could be happy with?

Do you feel that you have something/nothing to offer a woman?

Do you feel that you still have tons of time to make this happen?

How do you feel when the leaders of the church call you on the carpet? Does it make you try harder, feel pounded and 'bad' or do you tune them out?

What do you think about Brigham Young's statement (I think??) about a man over 25 who is still single is in the grasp of satan?

Are men (in their 30's and up) still looking for that physically 'perfect' ideal? Have you ever been looking for that or is that an unfair stereotype?

Do you feel that it is your 'job' or priesthood responsibility to actively seek marriage? Why or why not? Do you feel that you are doing that?

Do you feel that the woman you're interested in give you a fair chance? Have you ever thought that you're looking at the wrong kind/type of woman?

These are the things I wonder - I think it would help us all if we would just talk about it and share our points of view. We're old enough now that we shouldn't be afraid anymore to be real with each other. So you don't ask me out - I'll live - but I sure would love to know why?

I've decided to be the first - if you're a single man I want you to know this (and I don't think I'm too different from other women but please feel free to chime in):
I am a smart, confident, devoted to the Gospel LDS woman. I am imperfect physically but judging by the many stares I get on a regular basis I'm as beautiful as I think I am. I have held myself in reserve (and in the interest of realness that has NOT been easy) so that I may share my whole self with you someday (and I am VERY excited for that day.) I am courageous and I am accomplished. To the outside world I have it all but in my heart I know that my true self waits for you. Every decision I make, every path I take, every thought I have is somehow connected to my desire for you and our family. I move forward because I am on this earth to progress. I continue to try to improve myself so that I will someday be able to offer you the most amazing version of myself I possibly can. I do not do these things because I am career driven, or because I view my priorities as more important then what I could do within a family. I progress in the areas of my life that I'm allowed to progress in at this time.

I need you more then I can possibly ever put into words. I need your strength, I need your perspectives, I need your calming influence when my femaleness leads me to irrational, emotional freak outs. I need your priesthood and righteousness to lead me and guide me to greater paths. I need your strong arms to hold me so that I can be weak once in a while (as my current world and lifestyle requires constant strength.) I need you to be you and I need you to not be afraid of all that I am.

I don't need you to be rich. I don't need you to have a fancy education, toys, or material things to offer me. I don't need you to be scared of what you aren't. You are a son of God - you are already more amazing to me then you will ever know and I will do everything in my power to make you feel that. My accomplishments in no way take away from yours and I don't need you to feel badly about who you are or where you've been. The only thing that matters is where we will go together. I need you to be confident and love yourself. I need you to know that I am not "her" (whoever "her" is to you.)

I need you to try. I need you to put away fear and recognize who that comes from (the jerk) and that the purpose of fear is to keep you from being happy. I need you to trust me enough to open the door to possibilities. I know you've been hurt - we've all been hurt- but I need you to get over it and keep trying. I need you to not hold yourself back and I need you to not choose the easy way or the path of least resistance. I need you to know that I will use every gift, every lesson, every single thing at my disposal to help make your dreams come true - I will not take away from you but will add and I need you to do the same for me.

I need you to pay your tithing. I need you to read your scriptures, say your prayers, go to the Temple, attend church and magnify your priesthood. I do not need you to be perfect or on the path to future apostleship. I do not need you to be able to quote entire books of scripture but I do need you to have firm faith and know where to go to find the answers. I need you to love me - all of me - as I will love all of you (wrinkles, puckers, and imperfections.) I need you to just hold my hand sometimes and let me depend on you. I need you to know that you are the head of the household and I believe that starts in dating. I need you to take the lead and let me be the woman. I need you to stop waiting for me to ask you out - it's just not going to happen. You're not going to find me at just the "fun" activities. I'm long past that - if you want me you're going to have to come to church - I'm the beautiful blond with the sexy shoe collection.

I need you to start being (or continue being) the amazing man that you are. I need you to start living your best life (please excuse the Oprah reference but it just sort of fit) and I need you to pursue things that will bring true happiness. I need you to trust our Heavenly Father, our Savior, and the leaders of the church and believe them when they tell you that I will be the greatest decision you've ever made.

There's really no other way to say it - I can be happy without you if I really try but I'll never be complete.

Who signed up for this? Anyone? Anyone? (Stella)

2011-04-21T08:10:00.008-06:00

I must admit I love reading the comments on posts almost more then I love reading the posts themselves. I so appreciate the honesty that is shared and the realness in those words. Being a single woman (in the church or out of it) is a painful, infuriating, seemingly never ending journey. I would love to know how the single men feel - so if you're a fellow please speak up!More often then not our counsel and our encouragement is to keep going, have faith, don't give up, the Lord has a plan for you, every promise the Lord has made will be fulfilled in His time (if you hold up your end of the bargain, of course) in this life or the next...

Somtimes I wish that those with the proper authority and who have walked in these shoes would shout from the pulpit -

"This Sucks!" "I'm angry!"

"What the *!#&*#! happened to my life?"

In fairness, I have heard Sheri Dew speak and talk about the depression she experienced for several years in her early 30's after a broken relationship. I have heard Sister Perry (wife of an apostle, no less) talk about being angry at Heavenly Father for remaining single long into her adulthood and not one single Apostle who all but sobs how sorry he is for us single girls makes it out to be an easy thing. But, not one of these choice individuals have ever said anything that remotely comes close to how I've felt at times in my life. Time for a confession - I've spent the last 5 years...maybe more, but definitely the last 5...absolutely furious. I pasted on the happy face for others to see of course but inside I was miserable, angry, jealous and flat out pissed off. I compared my gifts, talents, and DESIRE to be a wife and mother with those I saw around me (who have what I want) and most didn't add up to what I thought I could offer. Now why in the world would Heavenly Father keep me from building up His kingdom and fully participating in the plan of happiness when all I want to do with my whole heart is raise a righteous posterity?

So - back to my point - have the Sheri Dew's and Barbara Perry's, and Barbara Thompson's and Kristen Oaks of the world not had the same feelings that you and I are dealing with? I'm quite certain that they have - and yet I've never seen or heard one of them give more then a casual reference to it. Why is that?

I can't speak for everyone, I can't speak for anyone actually. I can only speak to my own experience and hope that it speaks to your heart too. Throughout these 5 (maybe more) violently, demented, raging years I've tried as hard as I knew how to do to learn, to grow, and to figure out why. I prayed repeatedly feeling that only my ceiling was ever listening and gave up on family and friends offering me any comfort or even any real support. I have felt alone, I have felt forsaken, I have felt forgotten and have questioned my worth and value. I have desperately dated men whose choices make them unworthy for the life I desire to live in the hopes that one of them would marry me and my influence may bring one of the proverbial sheep back to the fold. I have raged against Heavenly Father while simultaneously clinging to the Gospel. I have done all of this (and more) in my attempt to control this area of my life and somehow I have been saved and protected and brought to this point of understanding.

I can't tell you exactly how I got here but somehow I gave up (in a good way.) Somehow I finally figured out how to CHOOSE to have faith, how to CHOOSE to believe my patriarchal blessing (as well as other personal revelations), and CHOOSE to trust that what I've been told is TRUE. My situation hasn't changed. I'm as single as I've been for the last 5, 10, 15, 20 years. Yet somehow I have HOPE that I don't think I've ever had. I have FAITH that I know I've never had, and I have CHARITY for others that is deeper then anything I've ever experienced.

Now don't get me wrong - I have my bad moments. I have moments when I reminisce about past relationships and question again why things worked out as they did but in these moments I have learned to CHOOSE to pray and ask for strength and the strength comes. I have learned DO NOT LOOK BACK (just think of Lot's wife - looking back does no good.) I have learned to PRAY with my whole heart - sobbing, honest conversations where I pour my heart out to Heavenly Father, I have learned to not just READ my scriptures but SEARCH for the answers to my prayers. I have learned to be PATIENT (well that's a lie - but I've learned that I must be patient) if I am going to make it through this trial and make no mistake - THIS IS A TRIAL!

Moroni 7 is my anchor during this storm. I encourage you to read it. I encourage you to mark it up, underline it, write notes on it, dissect it as it compares to your life. In my opinion it is a road map for unwilling single people - things that are good come from God (happiness, joy, hope, belief.) Things that are evil come from the jerk (anger, depression, low self worth, hopelessness.) Miracles do still happen (and I believe my marriage will be a MIRACLE!) What we ask for in FAITH the Lord will give us but it has to be faith like we've never had before. Please don't misunderstand me - I am not making some crazy statement that if we believe enough our husbands will fall out of the sky but I am saying that if we CHOOSE TO BELIEVE with our WHOLE ENTIRE BEING the Lord will either answer our prayers or He will show us our way and most importantly HE WILL MAKE IT OKAY. I love this quote - no idea who said it but:

"In the end everything will be okay. If it's not okay, it's not the end."

For reasons that only the heavens seem to know our generation (again both in/out of the church) carries this painful burden. Fear, unbelief, and selfishness seem to drive many. Living too close to the world, a refusal to grow up and accept responsibility, even watching the experiences of parents, family and friends are often offered as explanations. These explanations bring me little peace - actually they just tick me off - but this I know: Let mankind (and womankind) do what they will. The Lord's plan will not be thwarted - the plan of happiness does not change - my promised blessings aren't going anywhere - and those who have withheld or hindered the blessings of others and ignored the council of Prophets will have much to answer for. I have come to believe we are pioneers, after all what other generation has been asked to endure like we have? Just like the early saints who were asked to endure physical hardships beyond what I think any of us can really imagine, WE are asked to endure a daily (sometimes minute by minute) ASSAULT on our Spirits, our worth, our value and our life purpose.

Hang in there friends. Keep going - one more step, one more day. The answers are out there but if we are to receive them we have to stop looking at only one door.

Could It Be? (Stella)

2011-03-24T19:32:00.003-06:00

Whenever I experience a break-up I go through the normal stages of grief which inevitably have me turning to the scriptures and prayer for comfort and solace. I'm ashamed to admit that my most notable times of gospel feasting are almost always on the heels of having my heart broken.

In true Stella fashion I have been delving into the scriptures, our Prophets words, and any other gospel resource I can get my hands on as I struggle to find the answers to my why, why, whys? I should add that my feasting is usually accompanied by a lot of foot stomping, wailing and gnashing of angry teeth...which of course makes divine revelation a little difficult to come by. This time however - I must have matured since my last soiree.

I came across something today while reading in Alma that made me wonder - could being a single member of the LDS church at this time, during these last days be a calling? Is it possible that some of us experience singleness because we were asked to experience it during our mortal journey? That just like some are foreordained to be Prophets or pioneers are some of us called to be single for a period of time?

I'm not talking about 20 something singleness - I'm talking about being single WAY past the LDS norm of 20...or whatever it is these days. I'm talking about singleness that has you laying on your bathroom floor, sobbing into a pile of kleenex doubting every decision you've ever made and semi-convincing yourself that somehow you've brought this great scourge on your head through a Sodom and Gomorrah level atrocity.

I took this thought a bit further and realized the STRENGTH that it takes to be an active, faithful, single member of the church. I've heard it said that 50% of singles become inactive when they leave their YSA wards, and I recently heard at a stake meeting that my stake alone has over 3,000 mid-singles in it (men more then double the women. My jaw is still on the floor.)

So between the 50% and the 3000 in my little corner of the world how many of our brothers and sisters does this add up to? Even one is too many - but I think my point is easily proven by how many times we're admired by others. For example how many times has someone said something like..."I admire you so much," "You are so strong", or my personal favorite - "I don't know how you do it, I know I never could."

As I've let this idea roll around in my mind today I realize how much my ward blesses my life and how much they love and support me BUT I also realize how I may have a very special, singular influence that may make some of my sisters more grateful for their husbands and children, may inspire some to magnify their particular life calling, and may even be an example to the youth of staying faithful when you don't feel you fit in. Yes - being a single member of the LDS faith where we celebrate and promote families and eternal marriages in every breath is well.. NO PLACE FOR SISSIES!

That said - does it make you feel a little special, a little strong, a little chosen and set apart to be single? For so many of us who have not chosen to be single, who would marry tomorrow if the opportunity presented itself - I have to wonder if we would walk a little taller and hurt a little less if we looked at this life 'predicament' (regardless of how we got here) as a calling?

If we stopped to think of the faith, strength, and ENDURANCE that we go through our life with. How we continue to move forward without the help of a companion, striving to be faithful despite heartache that sometimes feels like it will end us? That this season of life (and I pray it ends tomorrow for all of us who desire righteous companions to create forever families with) is our calling because we are strong, faithful, and the ones the Lord knew He could count on to keep going. He knows what we can carry and He knows what we can't. I just have to wonder...

Could it be?

Just not feeling it....(Marnie)

2011-03-19T16:34:00.000-06:00

As old beau told me - while he was breaking up with me - "I'm just not feeling it." Not the smoothest comment he ever said, but for some reason I use that phrase all the time because it seems to apply to so many things. For me right now, "it" encompasses a lot of things. But the "it" I want to talk about about is not "feeling" God's love for me.

I've been a member of the LDS Church all my life. That comes with some awesome things and also some stumbling blocks. For some reason, because my life has been so centered around knowing there is a God and he has a plan for me - its not only a comfort but a reality. And it's all I've ever known. And the atonement has always been there for me. I've used it and not used it throughout my life but I've always known it was there. Just for me. And to tell you the truth there are times in my life where I've completely taken it for granted. I've even sometimes thought I deserved it instead of it being a precious gift from my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. What a horrible thing to realize! I've been like a self-righteous, spoiled princess. And I'm quite ashamed of it.

Luckily, I've realized my error and have been working on my attitude and gratitude.

I was going through a tough spell near the end of last year. I wasn't feeling well with a not-very-serious-but-still-annoying health concern. Nothing like that to remind you are so very mortal! But when you don't feel good and things aren't going your way, it's hard to not become miserable and that's what I had become. MISERABLE. One day I realized there was something really missing - I didn't feel God's love for me anymore. I felt lots of trials and annoyances and frustrations and lack of answered prayers but no love. I even felt picked on.

It made me upset and worried. How can I NOT feel it? Did he stop loving me? Of course he didn't! And after some real thought and prayer, I realized I wasn't letting myself feel it. Who wants to when they are miserable and they think the whole world is out to get them??

So, I did the "Sunday School answer" and started to pray for gratitude (yeah, I know I've done it in the past, but I'm a slow learner!!). I was especially inspired to find some love and happiness in my life because this last Christmas was going to be harder than normal. The very few nephews I have weren't going to be around like they have been for the last 10 Christmases. When you are single with no children you live through your nieces and nephews. I decided I didn't need a miserable Christmas too - my life was plenty! So I prayed hard to feel gratitude for my life. With that I also started to list those things that came to my mind that I was grateful for. It took some work but with the pondering and the praying I realized some amazing things I have taken for granted:

1. My parents are both still alive. That is not a common thing nowadays. I've had at least 5 friends/acquaintances lose a parent last year. One friend is even an orphan now. She's single and 39 AND an orphan. That just sucks.

2. I have a job that lets me go home for Christmas with my family. With the economy today, I should be just grateful I have a job!

3. I have a FANTASTIC family. They aren't perfect but they are pretty close in a lot of ways. And I LOVE to be with them! Not a lot of people can say that either!

4. I have what I need: I have a home, car, good job, necessities of life with lots of extras that I often forget they are extra and I'm really blessed to have them.

There are a TON of people that don't have all of that right now. How lucky am I? And why am I complaining??

Now I know not everyone has the things - and I'm honestly not trying to rub it in. But I'm positive that if we examine our lives closely, we can see how we are extra blessed we are and how God has given us many amazing things.

Once I realized how much I did have, I suddenly felt important, special, and cared for by my Heavenly Father. And I hadn't felt that way in a long time. I had only focused on what I didn't have - which by some standards is a lot. Unfortunately, it kept me from being happy. It's a constant struggle in life to appreciate the "now" - especially when you have high hopes for the future and everyone else seems to be getting it with as little effort as possible.

I wish I could say that the feeling just kept going on and on after Christmas but it didn't. The end of January came and I was down in the dumps again with a new year already here and an old year still leaving a really bad taste in my mouth. I can't believe how easy it was to fall into that same trap. I'm sure the cold and snow didn't help me either...

So I had to try again. It's worked but a little differently. I didn't have a Christmas to look forward too. I just had "work" and "life" going on. So I had to dig deeper. it's taken a lot of self-control and discipline to just suck it up and be happy but it worked - even if things STILL aren't going the way I'd like it to...

I've realized I'd rather have a life I didn't really plan for (or in some ways even want) and feel my Savior's love for me than to have everything I want and not feel it at all. And it's helped me see life doesn't have to be miserable. I can't tell you how good that feels!

Returning to Report

2011-03-04T09:06:00.002-07:00

Hi all - It's Stella again and I've come back to TalkingWalls to report on a great adventure. Last time I wrote I talked about a new man in my life and what an amazing experience it had been thus far. Well my amazing experience came to a close a few weeks ago and as I re-embraced my single life I realized all that I had learned and thought I would share.

First, let me just say that this was by far the very best dating experience I have ever had. This man treated me with kindness and respect, supported me in my life, and helped to undo a lot of hurt I've experienced over the years. So what happened right? It came time to make a decision friends. It came time to move forward (i.e. marriage) or let one another go. He did not feel this but I did. In fact, for weeks the nagging feeling that I had to re-visit the marriage talk would not leave me. We had discussed marriage many times over the last 6 months but having different views on the subject, different views on intimacy, different views on commitment we had never come to a consensus.

In the end our different faiths and beliefs about life came into serious play here. Not necessarily issues of doctrine but issues when you have one person who strives to live by the guidance of the Spirit and one person who doesn't know what that means. No matter which faith or church you belong to that's a tough pairing to make compatible.

I have to say that I do not regret one single second I spent with him. I learned so much and though my suffering was deep and intense that first week after the big "split" my healing and increased testimony is far and away worth the pain. I think I've finally found that place friends - that place of acceptance where you truly trust the Lord to bring you a desired blessing in His time.

It's as if this trial was (is) a large lake and I had to swim across it. Throughout my swim, dark unseen forces, creatures, currents threw me around and tried to drag me under. Moments of light and safety were far and few between and just when I'm about to give up, let go and sink to the murky depths of the darkness an oasis appeared before me. I was able to stay here, safe and protected until my eyes were cleared and the shore became visible. I'm not so bold as to state with all confidence that I'm not going to have a bad attitude now and then, or become angry about this life predicament. I am still me after all, and singleness quite frankly - ticks me off. I hate it. I never wanted this. I never (knowingly) signed up for this (the veil being drawn of course to my pre-existence decisions.) I love being in a loving relationship where I can devote myself and my efforts to someone else. I am the best version of myself when I am in love and feel loved in return and this I can say - I am one incredibly loyal girl. I will stay by your side until you figure out whatever you need to figure out as long as you keep trying. I'm glad to know that about myself.

So would I date outside the church again? I'm truly not sure but I don't think so. Facing a future with a man who did not share my faith, and I came to learn did not share my devotion to Heavenly Father and our Savior is not something I want to trifle with. I know there are many, many wonderful saints around the world who are not LDS and many who put us to shame in their devotion and efforts to be Christlike. Those are the ones I would count myself lucky to have in my life because not only would they recognize the truth when they heard it but they will support me always in growing my own faith and testimony.

And that brothers and sisters is what it's all about.

Latest Thoughts (Stella Skywalker)

2010-12-17T09:50:00.003-07:00

This summer I had the opportunity to attend a fireside that was conducted by one of the 12 apostles. This fireside was specifically for the single adults of the church and as so many of these kinds of meetings go; this sweet Apostle expressed his sadness for those of us who desperately desire a spouse and family and have had to wait. You could tell he really did hurt with us and for us. He simultaneously tried to give us the encouragement to keep going and magnify the parts of our lives that we can control. It was uplifting and wonderful and his love for us was nearly tangible. It’s hard to feel sad in the presence of one of the Lord’s servants. At the end of his remarks he opened things up for Q & A. One woman in the audience (who I will admire to my very last breath for her courage and tenacity) asked…

“I’m well into my 30’s. I’ve served a mission, I’ve been active in the church, I’ve put myself out into the singles world, I’ve pursued an education and career while I’ve waited and I am sick and tired of waiting. What is the church’s council on dating (and marrying) outside the church?”

This really got my attention. I have been asked (and even encouraged) several times by dear friends and family (who are LDS and have Temple marriages) if I have ever thought about looking outside the church. I’ll be honest – my answer is swift and firm “absolutely not.” You may ask why as a convert I’ve so vehemently stuck to my guns. The short answer is fear. The even shorter answer is lack of faith.

Anyway back to the story – Elder Hales looked at her and said (I’m going to add bulleted points for affect here b/c I want to demonstrate the affect this had on me…)

1) If you’ve found a man who honors the Lord.
2) If you’ve found a man who loves the Lord.
3) If you’ve found a man who honors you.
4) If you’ve found a man who loves you.

Then I believe that you’re on the right track for you.

Like many of us I have been promised in my patriarchal blessing that I will have a righteous priesthood holder as my helpmate. I have long assumed this must mean that he will be a current member of the church, certainly he will have pioneer heritage, and of course he will have tons of family in Utah so I’ll have a free place to stay when I finally get around to visiting Salt Lake.

Several months ago I met a man who I had an instant connection with. We met at the party of a mutual friend and within minutes were chatting and laughing as if we were old friends. In fact, someone observing us asked how long we’d been dating – our reply…about 7 minutes. This man is not a member of the church but he is a good and decent Christian man. The more time I spend with him, the more I feel what a true relationship should be like, the more I feel his love, honor, and respect for the Lord and for me, the more I think about Elder Hales remarks to that brave sister.

That said, I have never, not even once, considered dating outside of the LDS faith. I have never, not even once, had a man love and respect me like this man does. I have never, not even once, been so aware of the beautiful life that can be possible if you do it the Lord’s way. I have never, not even once, felt such peace and gratitude that I didn’t get my way.

For those who may be questioning my post here please know that I am not advocating for giving up on the men of the church. I am not advocating that single LDS women will have no other choice but to lay down their hopes of dreams of a current priesthood holder who can take them to the Temple. That is still my dream and my greatest hope that someday I will kneel across the alter from a priesthood holder and be bound to him for time and all eternity. I am simply taking a moment to record my experience. I do not yet know what the future will hold…I don’t know if this man is the one that my blessing talks about but right now I do know this.

1) The Lord’s ways are not mine.
2) I am absolutely dependent on His wisdom and knowledge.
3) I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was not led to this place by accident.
4) All things will work out in the end.
5) Peace comes from one place and one place only. If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the last few years you can’t fake peace and life without it is absolutely, freakin’ miserable.

Today I am at peace. Today I am happy in a way I’ve never been happy before. Today I marvel that I’m being blessed with this experience and somehow the years of painful waiting don’t seem so painful right now. Today I want to know how this will all turn out but all I really know today is that it’s okay. I have the Lord’s blessing to make this decision, he’s put a good man into my life and for some unknown reason He trusts me to decide what’s best. The Lord knows me, He knows how painful my wait has been and He knows how little I have left to give this part of my life in the faith department.

I may not have all the answers friends but I do know this:

I am not alone.

I have never been alone.

I am being blessed right now and I’m going to run with it.

Holding onto an Epiphany (Marnie)

2010-11-06T08:36:00.005-06:00

I guess the hardest thing about having an epiphany, is remembering the experience and realization long enough to change your behavior and your life. I told you in my last post that I am going to choose to believe I will get married in THIS LIFE. As I’ve continued to go through the ups and downs of daily life, I’ve been constantly praying to hold to this new resolve. Ten years ago believing this wasn’t such a hard thing, but when you hit 40 and are still unmarried, you feel like time has run out and you've lost the game. Sure, I technically could get married but my own developed opinion (and those of society and other single women over 40), gave me pressure to give up the dream and move on because it’s "safer that way."

I blame this conceived reality I had created in my mind for the depression I felt this summer. I’ve been working HARD for the last decade to find a husband, to change inappropriate behaviors and even thoughts about dating and marriage to be READY for marriage. I take full responsibility for not achieving marriage by 30. I was not ready – mentally or physically. I just wasn’t open to it or even ready to play the game. The sad part was I didn’t realize it.

But the last 10 years I have changed and I did work my butt of to make myself more open to others, swallow some huge fears and work on my trust issues. I have put in the time, made some huge strides, and still have not succeeded in the goal.

And somehow turning 40 made me feel like the buzzer had sounded, the game was up, and I had failed. If I hadn’t achieved the goal, I might as well settle in for the next part of my life as an old maid and accept that God must not want me to marry in this life.

WHO MADE THAT UP???? I’m not entirely sure when I got that idea but it’s insane!! There are people 40+ getting married ALL the time! Especially in this day and age. Sure, it’s not like the young folk who seem to have no baggage and fears, so they jump to commitment fast and furious every 20 minutes, but in my own realm of friends and acquaintances I have seen multiple individuals marry after 40. And personally I think more WOULD marry if we didn’t focus on the negativity and give up once we reach that age.

I realize my biological clock is running down and my chance for a perfect family with 4 kids as I dreamed about as a teenager in Young Woman’s is pretty much shot to oblivion. We all have to come to terms with the loss of those dreams - whatever they entailed. But is that all I want?? that perfect world? Or can I handle a different kind of existence I never planned for or dreamed of that STILL involves marriage?

I’ve thought long and hard over this and I realized that I had to mourn for the loss of a dream of being married and starting a family by age 40. It’s something I think every single woman and man over 40 has to do. That "40" number decides a passage of time and you can’t stop time. But why do we have to GIVE UP? Why do we have to start saying “I hope to get married but I realize it will probably be in the next life?” That’s a load of lies!! Lies started by Satan to discourage an already discouraged group of people. It’s like kicking us when we are down and we are letting him do it with our permission!

I was talking to some old missionary companions who are also 40 and single about some of our relationships and breakups. Both of them told me - through tears - that they had come to terms with the fact that they won’t get married in this life. It SOUNDS like they are accepting God’s will, but personally it sounds like defeat and giving up all faith! Because the next life is a “sure thing” and it doesn’t take much faith to believe that all is possible in heaven. Even the biggest "non-believer" talks about Heaven being wonderful.

I am ALL about accepting God’s will, but I don’t think he wants us to give up and just exist. I don’t think that attitude attracts men or even other people. It’s just sad and lonely. Why would God want us to say that at all?? Basically we are deciding that God won’t grant us a blessing by a certain age and telling him what he is going to do. From my experience that never works nor do I get what I really desire. It’s a lack of faith – no matter the intentions of the person saying it. And I am VERY guilty of saying that in the past.

I’ve told you in my last post that I can’t live my life and be happy by believing marriage is for me only after I die. I won’t do it. It makes me bitter and feel more lonely than I’ve ever felt. I feel like a failure and I start to question God’s love for me in wondering why I didn’t get to be “lucky” like so many of my friends did. Those feelings come quick and naturally but they are wrong. That’s why I am continuing to declare that I BELIEVE I will marry in THIS life!

When I declared this to my missionary companions, they were surprised and I think a little worried for me. They’ve got their escape plan if it doesn’t happen and I don’t have one if it doesn’t come to pass. One may even think I’m commanding God but that isn’t true. I will get married. That is a promise given to me in my patriarchal blessing predicated on my faithfulness and obedience. What I don’t know is "when." The “when” is what I have to come to terms with and accept his will. And until God comes down and breaks the bad news to me in person or through revelation, I won't believe it. Even if I don’t get married in this life, God wants me to act and believe that I will. Isn’t that how we show faith? Isn’t that one of the reasons we are on this earth? To show we believe in the hard things that society and others ridicule us for believing?

I know it’s tough to keep the faith alive. I’ve had my moments in the last few weeks where after a conversation about the frustrations of dating and hearing a friend’s story about another non-committal man has left me with despair and wondering how in the world will it ever work out. But I’ve had to decide each time to just believe and act accordingly. Miracles happen. I’ve seen too many of them to not believe in them. You can’t rely on logic and believe. That isn’t faith instead it’s believing in the “arm of the flesh.” It has to be complete and total faith in God.

So I will continue my resolve to hope and dream for the NEAR future and not the one after I'm dead. I challenge all of you – no matter your situation or age - to believe and not give up! I know God does not punish those that have faith and trust in him especially those that continue to accept his will for them. It’s the scariest thing I’ve ever done and there have already been days that I haven't had the strength to say it with any sort of conviction. But I will continue to act according to those beliefs - even through the tears and frustrations. I know it will bring me the most happiness.

I may end up being a 90 year old, single woman, but I will be a 90 year old, single woman who is looking forward to her next blind date and believes she will get married before she dies. Many may call me crazy, but I just call it faith.

Reaction to My Last Post (Stella Skywalker)

2010-11-04T18:26:00.001-06:00

After my last blog post I had some interesting comments and perspectives and that got me thinking about how easy it is to misinterpret others ideas or put our own special filter on things going on around us. When I made mention of the fine brother that I met I cited that he was an RM. Many responses reminded me how many good and wonderful men there are in the world who are not RM's and I would be missing out greatly if I discounted them. I completely agree and that's what got me thinking...I didn't grow up in the church, I have zero connections to Utah, I have no pioneer relatives and my particular lens is definitely shaped by this. I did not grow up dreaming of my plain, white, Temple ready wedding gown (with sleeves of course) while I stood by my handsome RM prince who was going to carry me off into the sunset and provide me with my very own white picket fence and 5 children. While this has in some sense become my dream over the years I grew up with the mindset that I would get married and have a family but I was also going to get an education, have a career, and travel the world and then when I was ready I would simply select my mate of choice from the conveyor belt of men going by.

Funny - things haven't quite worked out that way. While I have been richly blessed in areas that I can control (my education for example) when I finally realized that the husband hunt was going to be a bit harder then I realized and that Heavenly Father wasn't just going to plop HIM in front of me I had one foot out the YSA door and a host of fears starting to hit my mind and heart. Sometimes I wonder if not being raised in the church and having some clue of our dating culture was a detriment. I joined the church shortly before my freshman year of college. I didn't go to BYU (but as every good Mormon does at some point) figured I had better live my obligatory time on our home planet.

I spent most of those 2 Utah years having fun but definitely not pursuing marriage. I was waiting for my (yes these are real criteria) 6'4" dark hair, blue eyes, preppy boy with straight teeth, future MD, has a car and a clean apartment, will open every door for me, compliment me, bring me flowers, have no opinions unless they are just like mine, will appreciate every single thing I ever say or do, will never see a single flaw in me...I'd go on but the list just gets embarrassing from here.

When my roommate got married in December of our freshman year after knowing her sweetheart for a month I was truly baffled. I was still scared of boys and couldn't kiss one much less marry him. I didn't question her decision or wonder why she was giving up her life - I just wondered how she did it so fast. Life continued on, I returned to my home state for my junior year and became actively involved in my institute and YSA ward. I continued to wait for the boy I dreamed of to fall out of the sky while simultaneously being terrified that he just might. I can look back now and see how hard I was on the men in my life. It didn't take much to unimpress me and since I was so driven I assumed they should be too. I had no patience whatsoever for those who still lived at home or weren't in school pursuing their dreams. I progressed forward, finishing my degree, beginning my career and achieving those world travel dreams. I continued to wait for someone to notice just how awesome I was and to take those manly first steps to begin our courtship. I waited...and I waited....and waited some more. Then 30 came and went and I joined my local family ward where I experienced pain, depression and despair in such depth I thought it would kill me sometimes.

As a mental health professional I have analyzed all of this to death. Up one side, down the other, and yes of course there are many things I could have done differently, there are lots of presumed reasons why and untold missed opportunities. But these are also regrets and I refuse to live my life with regrets. I sit here today and remind myself that while I did not have the same perspective 20 years ago that I have today I was where I was. That is to say, I was who I was. I operating with the knowledge and understanding that I had and though I can now look back and wonder if things had been different if only I had done this one thing, the truth is my life is how it's supposed to be. My journey has always been my journey. The Lord knew me before I knew me. He knew my path before my feet even touched it. He knew it would take me ___ years to figure out all that I personally needed to know so that I could fulfill my calling on this earth. He knew that I was never going to be that 18 year old girl in the boring (sorry - but have you seen some of those gowns!) white gown staring up at her RM dreaming of their babies and little starter apartment. He knew that it would take me much longer to figure out how to be the wife, mother, and woman that He NEEDS me to be and that without my experiences and yes, even the knife sharp pain that those experiences bring, I wouldn't be ready.

I think back to my 20 year old criteria and just laugh. Here's what I want today 6'4" (I just can't let this one go), loves God, loves Jesus Christ, loves ME, puts his best into everything he does, and is honest and loyal in all he does. That's it. I no longer care what he does for a living, what accomplishments he has racked up, what letters are behind his name, or any of those other superfluous things that life can give and take away just as quickly. One thing I've learned over the last few years - if we have anything of value it's who we are. Our things, our achievements and accomplishments, our jobs and titles can be removed in an instance. Serving a mission doesn't make you perfect, being a member of the church is no guarantee that life will fall perfectly into our cultural 'box', and perhaps most importantly...just like the men we long and search for - there are pretty temple ready gowns out there if you are willing to look in unusual places.

Penelope Post

2010-10-28T09:00:00.000-06:00

Penelope here again. I am deeply connected to all things mid-singles related. I love the idea of mid-singles and try to support it as much as I can. I was on facebook the other day and found this power point from a talk to mid-singles which speaks about aligning our desires with the Lord's. There was a slide about the scripture D&C 130:20-21 which states:

20 There is a law, irrevocably decreed in heaven before the foundations of this world, upon which all blessings are predicated—
21 And when we obtain any blessing from God, it is by obedience to that law upon which it is predicated.

In the speakers notes, I found this:

"How we interpret the following scripture adds to the problem. We tend to interpret this as “each law has its attendant blessing.” Keeping the Law of Tithing, for instance, should bring forth the promised blessings. What happens, then, when that doesn’t happen? We keep the Word of Wisdom and get cancer. We keep the Law of Tithing and lose our job. Worse yet, we wonder if we’ve “earned” our blessings, why God withholds what we’ve earned. Does he love us less or are we unworthy? Does He really “owe” us?"

For me, that perspective was really impactful. Am I acting like God owes me a marriage because I've been faithful or done my duty? Am I getting bitter at God because I expect to have an immediate blessing from living a good life?

And it brought home another perspective, the perspective of those who are married. I guess I can see why some might think that a single person isn't worthy/isn't doing the right things to get married if you take this scripture literally. I wonder if it depends on how you define blessings.

What are your thoughts on this?

Meet Penelope

2010-10-24T13:21:00.002-06:00

Hello readers!
We have another guest post from Penelope I'd like to share with you:

Hello new friends, I'd like to introduce myself. I'm in my mid-30's like many here. I recently went to an event with speed-dating where a man asked me if I had been married before, I replied no. He asked me if I had kids, and I said no. He asked me if I had a cat or dog. I said nope. I said, well I have 2 plants that I have managed to keep alive. He was silent and just blinked. I don't think he knew what to say. See he was a single dad to 4 with part time custody and I'm sure he was thinking, wow this won't be a good match. Luckily I wasn't too invested in the relationship to be offended that he didn't "pick me."

As for my blog name, Penelope, I took it from a movie I watched recently. Yes, I watch odd movies on Netflix. But the idea behind the movie and Penelope fits me. Penelope has a physical deformity as a result of a family curse. Her mom hides her away because people were trying to get pictures of how horrible Penelope looked. Eventually Penelope's parents decide to try to get her married off because part of the curse was that she had to marry "one of her own," someone rich and powerful who would still love her despite her odd looks. After many rejections, she runs off on her own and allows people see her for who she really is. Interestingly, she realizes that people are ok with her, despite her mother's warnings that people will reject her. She even is able to...get married....of all things, despite looking bizarre because she is just herself. Recently, I feel like I've hit the stage of being ok with myself despite being told I'm not pretty enough to get married. If others want to say I'm not pretty enough, that's ok but I'm not going to hide myself anymore. So Penelope I have become! :)

I also have had my share of the dating woes and they are still on-going. I hope that I can share some of them here and get feedback with comments, questions or thoughts. I originally came to this blog a long time ago because I felt a kindred spirit here to know that I wasn't alone in my single status and the experiences I was having., So I hope I can do that for other sisters as well.

It Begins with Me (Marnie)

2010-10-17T11:30:00.001-06:00

I visited with a friend of mine I haven’t talked to in a long while. She wanted to know how I was doing since my breakup last spring. As I gave her a rundown, it brought up some feelings I guess I still haven’t let go of. I thought I had been doing much better, but when I it all came out, it was apparent I wasn’t. It depressed me to think so much time had passed and I hadn’t worked through it yet.

She was great to listen and not pass judgment, although I know she felt helpless in being able to help me. She’s married with 5 kids and as her life keeps changing, my life doesn’t show much in that department. The concern and worry on her face as I vented my fears, frustrations, and lack of hope, made ME concerned. How depressing was it to listen to me?? How many times does it feel like I’ve been here before and told her the same things? I feel like a broken record – with no new insight but just the same old problems and insecurities. It can’t be true – but it sure feels like it!

So I’m done. I’m done complaining about the quality of men I date, the lack of results I get, and the hopelessness I feel. I feel like all I do is complain through my cycle of relationships, and doing this complaining doesn’t seem to help. It surely doesn’t help my attitude, either.

I can make a list of reasons why I’m not married - from irrational thoughts to logical statistics. But even I’m bored by them now! I can’t figure it out and I don’t think I’m meant to. So the only way I know how to change what is happening is to stop. Stop it all. Not stop trying, just stop this obsession to understand why. Stop discussing it in minute details. Stop wallowing in the past disappointments, yelling to the sky, “WHY???” over and over. My heart has been broken before – it will be broken again, no doubt. So why dwell on it? Yeah it hurts like hell but living like this - dredging up the past and reanalyzing it, and questioning God doesn’t help me feel better. I believe in the grieving process, but being the drama queen I am, I have taken this grieving to a new level that just isn’t right and is affecting my happiness.

I think what I really need to do is start forgiving. Forgiving me, forgiving the men I’ve dated that have hurt me, and yes, even forgiving God for not giving me what I want. I know that shocks a lot of you – because some think one shouldn’t be mad at God. But its how I feel. This natural response – at least for me – has got to metamorphous into something better. Because I won’t give up! I won’t stop looking or flirting or dating or trying to get a spouse. I refuse to die like an old maid – even if my soul keeps getting bruised and kicked against the curb. But I’ve been dealing with this all wrong. If I’m going to continue to work on achieving this goal – my reaction and how I deal with it all HAS got to be better. Otherwise I’m not getting anywhere and remaining miserable.

I’ve talked before about my frustration with and desire to accept God’s will, and I haven’t gotten very far. So that ends today. From now on, I accept God’s will and I’m going to trust Him. You may think I’m lying or even crazy to think I can do it, but frankly, waiting for my feelings and desires to change isn’t working.

I’ve heard several talks from General Conference in the last few years about choosing faith. It’s a choice and not something you just get from nowhere. You just have to decide and take a risk. Then the faith comes. And I think choosing and trusting God’s will works the same way. I can pray until I’m blue in the face but until I change how I’m going to think and deal with this all, nothing will change. I have to take the leap of faith and just do it. I believe God helps us – a lot. But I also believe he lets struggle until we “get it.” And I’m just beginning to “get it.”

The other thing I’m going to do is truly forgive. I’ve been praying about it, hoping God will just make these horrible thoughts and hurts go away and let me forgive. Yep, you guessed it! It doesn’t work that way. I just need to decide. So whether I’m ready or not, I’m going to forgive. Just like that!

How am I going to do it? After I told a friend about my problem with forgiving, she suggested it was time I actually did it, and then prayed for the feeling of forgiveness to come into my heart. I need to take action and properly acknowledge what I’m forgiving. Once I do that, then it’s all up to God. She suggested I write down “I forgive….” for each of the people I need to forgive listing the action I’m forgiving. And that list of people includes myself. Something about writing it down makes it much more of a reality instead of just a good idea. It gets out of your system. Once I write it out, I’m going to get rid of it. That way, the process is really permanent. No sense in dwelling on the past. It’s time to move on…

Some of you may not like this blog entry. You may think I’m being trite and not sensitive to how hard it is to be single. That is where you are really wrong. I know it. I feel it. It hurts. But my bad attitude has not helped and it’s time to adjust it. So I will choose faith, trust God’s will (as much as it scares the spit out of me), and truly forgive – not just the half-hearted kind. It’s going to take some time, a lot of work and self-control, AND a lot of prayer but I’m going to conquer this! Because something has got to change and frankly, I can only change me.

Another Guest Post from Stella

2010-09-08T21:29:00.002-06:00

As a never married single adult in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints I have seen many changes in my peers, in the efforts of the church and in the general attitude among members. Most of these changes have been very positive as understanding has increased. I can honestly say that my ward loves me and that I am a welcome member but please do not mistake that to mean that I fit or that I belong there. As the sole single (active) member of my ward under the age of 60 I can say without pause that every week the effort that it takes to go to church, slap a smile on my face, and act like it doesn't hurt is a herculean effort. I cry my eyes out on a weekly basis as I drive home from my meetings and remind myself of everything I know to be true - Heavenly Father loves me, He hasn't forgotten me, I am being given these experiences to strengthen me and to make me the woman I need to be. I remind myself of every church talk I have ever heard about patience, about enduring to the end, about the importance of every member and then I cry anyway.

The thing that I see missing is simply this: while the gospel is perfect and following its principles is the ONLY thing on this earth that will make us happy and please our Heavenly Father there is a great disconnect between the principles I learn at church and my life. I support 100% the strengthening of families and the importance of raising children. I support 100% my RS lessons that remind each sister how important her job at home is. I believe these are good and true principles and I fight every day for the family in my work as a social worker. I am convinced that these lessons should be taught and that we all need to take part. But what about me? What do I do with this besides suffer through it and not let others see my heart literally aching in my chest? After 5 years in my ward I'm happy to report that I've learned the skills necessary to keep great suffering (and make no mistake it is SUFFERING) inside so that I don't make others uncomfortable and so I don't give the appearance of faithlessness. I have had the blessing of holding important callings in my ward and (so I'm told) that my fellow sisters admire me. If I can show strength in the face of great trial then I hope that I can inspire others to do the same.

So what do I need? The only time I feel normal and the pain goes away is in the company of fellow singles. Unfortunately in my area most are inactive and the few who are active are so spread out that it's difficult to maintain any type of closeness. As a never married woman with no children I feel especially unique. I have kept my Temple covenants and have continued to go to church and almost as great as the desire for a husband and family of my own is the desire for female friends who are like me. I am tired of meeting only those who have fallen away and are struggling to come back. I simply am not strong enough right now, I need friends who have strong testimonies and who get what I'm going through and have been going through my entire adult life. I need friends who have Temple recommends who go to church and who haven't let the anger and depression overtake them. I am tired of struggling all by myself. I know that I am loved. I know that my church leaders, family and married friends pray for me and hurt for me but unless you've walked this path you don't get it. You don't understand the CONSTANT fight with anger, depression, doubts of value and worth, faith and endurance. It never ends and Sundays are, for me, the worst day of the week. It shouldn't be like this.

I know the Lord has provided us the way to endure this life and has taught us what to do but in the face of heart breaking loneliness and despair where too many women never date, never feel like they have value it is much too easy to fall away when you have no support group. We need each other. We need programs just for us, the mid singles where we don't need to fight off the advances of men older then our fathers. We need a place where the inactive can return, find their place and grow. Activities just don't seem to be cutting it. If I have to go to another dance, or another activity that is just like the ones I went to as a YW and then a YSA - well truthfully I stopped going a long time ago. I am a grown woman and I have no more interest in these weekly activities then any other adult person. My life goals have nothing to do with my social life.

I want a ward full of people like me. I want to stop feeling like a left over. I did not knowingly or willingly choose this path and I honestly don't know what I could have done differently. I want to be treated like an adult of course but I don't want to have activities and services geared towards me and others like me to be fit around everything else. I do not want to go to the 8pm SA Temple session because someone thinks that's when we want to go. I am a woman in her 30's with a full time career, a part time job and I am as tired at 8pm as anyone else. I have heard it said that we shouldn't label ourselves as single - but I don't know how to stop doing that. I am single, in a church that celebrates marriage and family I am SINGLE. I go to Single Adult Activities, my church records list me as single, with a simple N/A under husband and children. I am the sister who is scared to death to sit by herself at church because I am alone. Calling it something different does not change or alter that. In a faith that promotes and encourages happy marriages I am all alone with little prospects because the prospects aren't showing up. I believe, well I have to believe, that if a mid-singles ward were available in my area I would at the very least have an opportunity to have single girlfriends though my hearts desire is and as far as I can tell, will continue to be the hole only filled by my husband and children.

I want to know that the righteous men of the church are being held to a high standard. Are they being asked about their dating habits in their quorums, during their Temple recommends? I want to know that the church is doing what they can to keep our men on the straight and narrow (and though I know free agency will always prevail) I want to know that while my blessings are being withheld those who have the power to bless me are, at the very least, being held accountable for their decisions.

So how do we fix this - I don't know. I don't consider this 'issue' a problem the church has created. I believe that individuals have created this need through their choices. For example I met a truly fantastic guy at an activity a few weeks ago. We spent the entire activity together laughing and talking and shared many similar interests. He is a good man, served a mission, went to college, has a good job and hallelujah! doesn't live with his parents. He invited me on a group date. Well not so much a date as said we should do something and get a bunch of people together. I should take a moment and note that during the course of our day together I learned that he 1) wants a wife desperately, 2) has no interest in ANY of the girls in our area, and when asked what he did want responded 3) "I want her to be hot." I try very hard to see boys in a positive light and not 'man bash' but in my opinion this good brother with his balding head and extended belly has left the running for a 'hot' woman and should have enough maturity to be thankful at finding a good, righteous woman who is quite stunning and who can look past his physical self and see all the wonderful things that he is.

I don't know the right answers to meet these needs. I believe a ward just for mid-singles is a great start. It would encourage those who have left to come back. They aren't alone anymore and they don't need to be lonely. Activities that are different then those we've been doing for 20 years would be wonderful. Something fitting for adults - theatre, travel, small dinner groups. Something that doesn't make us dance. I would even encourage 'planting' men into the group to show the other men how to do it. This is how you ask a girl to dance, this is how you compliment a woman and not be afraid that she's going to interpret this as a marriage proposal, this is how you take the lead with a woman and make her feel special and respected.

Yes, these are the things I want. If anyone has any idea on how to accomplish it I'm listening.

Guest Post by Stella Skywalker

2010-08-25T09:24:00.004-06:00

Hi Friends! My name, well codename, is Stella and I can’t even begin to describe how happy I was to find this blog. As a single, never been married woman I have finally reached the place where it's really starting to bother me. 40 isn't too far away and my 'patience' (if I ever had any) is starting to wear thin. I unfortunately live in an area where too many singles are inactive especially those in their 30’s and 40’s and more often then not I find my heart aching to have someone who ‘gets’ it and who can share the ups and downs of this time of life. Too often I feel completely alone and while I have been blessed with some truly amazing friends my bestest and dearest are all married with families and though they love me, empathize, cry for me and with me and pray for my blessings to come they don’t understand. Sometimes you just need someone who gets it and who is struggling the same way you are, striving to stay strong and doing their best to avoid taking the seemingly easy way out. So all that said I’m happy to be here and I’m happy you’re here too. Hopefully my thoughts and ideas are shared and not further evidence that I really have finally lost my mind. So here we go…

*********************************************************************
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the one I call “the jerk.” We’ve all met him; we’ve all been under his predatory attack; some have succumbed and some have fought with all they’ve got. He is relentless and I have come to finally figure out he will never ever go away. I have to become stronger then he is until his attacks are merely barely noticed annoyances rather then the “knock me off my path with the force of a nuclear explosion” events that I have recently experienced.

Now that I have your attention let me make it perfectly clear who the jerk is. He is not one of our sweet brothers who struggle, as we do, with making it through this life. The jerk is the adversary - the one who lives to see all of us fail. The one whose sole purpose is to keep us from happiness, keep us from knowing who we really are, who lies and deceives to make sure we stay confused and unfocused.

Have you ever really stopped to ponder who you are? What lies within you to achieve and become? Every now and then I can feel it. Actually feel who I have the potential to become. It’s all there and wow she is SOMETHING. Granted the Stella I am today is far from that amazing being that I can occasionally sense but just knowing that I could someday become her is a rather sobering thought. How do I get there? How do I hold on to this idea even though this time of life is pummeling my self-esteem, my faith, my hope and sometimes even my belief in Heavenly Father’s promises? The jerk is making sure that I am challenged every step of this particular part of my path and quite frankly I’ve had just about enough.

So why is he trying so hard? Why is he making sure that every happy feeling is hard earned?

As I think about these things only one thing comes to mind. Something great is coming. Something wonderful and eternally important is headed my way and he wants to stop me. If he can keep me from going to church, going to the Temple, saying my prayers, reading the scriptures, paying my tithe, and following the guidance of the Holy Ghost and the Lords servants then he wins. Heavenly Fathers plan is thwarted and yet another eternal family is yet to be created and my eternal misery is laid in a very firm foundation.

I have a new favorite talk. It is Russell M. Nelsons: Stay in the Boat. His council is to beg us to stay in the boat until we get to the other side. Sooner or later this trial has to end. It has to change and though we may not yet see the shore it’s out there. I know it is. After all, if it weren’t the jerk wouldn’t be working so hard to convince you (and me) that it isn’t.

A New Approach? (Marnie)

2010-08-16T17:18:00.012-06:00

My sister sent me a link to an article about a new book that has come out called, It Just Hasn’t Happened Yet, written by Karin Anderson. I think any woman over 30 who isn't married can relate to this article. Who hasn’t had the questions about our marital status, “You are so cute, I can’t figure out why you aren’t married!” I actually had one man actually say as a followup, "no really, why can't you get married? What's wrong with you? Are you too picky?" It was as though I had some sort of secret to why I've not succeeded at finding a mate. I was so shocked and embarrassed by the comment I actually started defending myself racking my brain for reasons why I hadn't achieved the goal. It was humiliating and I'm ashamed I let him make me feel that way. I'm sure I'm not alone in having situations like that.

But back to the article...

This article talks about how single women after a certain age (she says 40, but in Mormon culture I think it starts at 30) start to really listen to some of those back-handed compliments and wonder if there is truth to it. I know I’ve fallen for that trap, thinking that I must be a total mess if I can't get married because everyone thinks I should be. Yet some of the most obnoxious, rude and so-less-than-perfect women somehow land a husband. Anderson’s idea is that the only reason people get married is because they are “lucky.” I’m not sure if I completely agree. Some are maybe lucky. But some are just stupid. It does seem that finding a spouse is all about timing - your timing, his timing...and if that isn't right, there is no marriage. When I think about it like that, it does sound all about luck.

If it is all about luck, that also means that everyone is on the same playing field. No married woman is a better than a single woman. You can’t make judgments of how good a person is based solely on marital status – although I think society does it all the time.

Anderson is saying there really isn’t anything wrong with us. That it “just hasn’t happened yet” and to not stress about it. I think I agree to a point. I still think the “Marnie” of 1997 who was nowhere near being ready for the idea of marriage, would have run from marriage faster than anybody. I'm sure of that. But things have changed and I'm not that same "Marnie." I’ve been working on so many things and trying to be more open and more approachable. Yep, I’m not exactly where I want to be. However, being perfect shouldn’t be a requirement to get married - and frankly, it ISN'T. (I really do want to kill the person that started that rumor!) So obsessing and getting down on myself doesn’t help the situation at all. And that’s where I think this article has a really important message: we shouldn’t give up and throw in the towel, but instead repeat to ourselves, just as Anderson says, “it just hasn’t happened yet!”

Want to Share?

2010-08-06T22:22:00.004-06:00

Do you have something you'd like to share on the Confessions of a Single Mormon Girl blog? We (well, it's just mostly me now) are open to guest posts from other single women who want to share their thoughts and feelings about this time in their lives.

I figured it out and we now have a new email address you can send your post to. It works, I promise! So please send it on: confessionssmg@earthlink.net

Marnie,
Last Single Standing and Blogging - at least on this website :)

Reality (Marnie)

2010-08-02T22:22:00.004-06:00

I was talking with a friend who has a medical condition that keeps her from having kids. Well, she thinks it would. She isn’t married yet and hasn’t had the chance to try it out. But she’s 40 now. And she truthfully told me she doesn’t want to have kids. She’s just too old. The dream had died and she had moved on to just appreciate being an aunt to great nieces and nephews and “waiting for the millennium” to finally get her chance at motherhood.

I applauded her ability to move on, but personally I’m not there yet. I’m still selfish and think I can still have a kid even though I’ll probably be 61 when that kid moves out of the house. Jane Seymour had twins at age 46 and she's been my hope for the future.

Is it fair to be that old and have kids? Is it right? Is it wise? Beats me! It’s just what I want! And yet, it doesn’t matter what that “want” is. I can do all I can – and I’ve done a lot to find a mate – things that would make “normal” women roll their eyes and as we’ve seen, strangers make comments to this blog condemning me and saying, “seriously? You still think like that?” But I’m committed! I’m determined! And yet in the end, I have zero power over the situation. If it isn’t what God wants, it ain’t happening…

That realization that it's out of my control has been a tough road. Just like so many single, Mormon women my age, I take on life with full force. I’m accused of being too independent and intimidating to some men. But nothing has brought me more tears and faster to my knees than my search for a spouse. And I’m still there. Still on my knees. Still pleading. But I’m coming closer to the fact that there is only one way and that’s God’s way. For it to be right and what I want, it’s in God’s hands and his timing.

I only wish I could embrace God’s way with happiness and gratitude. I still get so sad and annoyed about it - more than I should. Maybe when I can truly accept God’s will with gratitude, things will change? Yep, I’m still trying to outwit God. Anticipate his moves and actions – understand his motivations. But that doesn’t work either.

I think what I want most is understanding of the apparent “necessary wait.” If I need to learn something, let’s do it! Let’s learn! Let’s get this over with! I don’t care how painful or scary. Let’s get this over with!

Yet, it isn’t about running into a fight and scrapping around. It’s about waiting and being ok with the wait. And it's apparent I’m not…yet.

Cycles (Marnie)

2010-07-09T20:54:00.003-06:00

Life is about cycles. I’m just coming out of one. There are the ups and downs of normal life, our “womanly” cycles, all sorts of cycles…

That’s what life is about. Going through cycles and trying to come out on top.

Yep, my cycle is one you are guessing I’m talking about. This blog is about dating and finding a mate, so of course I’m referring to the cycle of a relationship.

It started out shaky – I wasn’t entirely sure about him. But he seemed interested and did kind and thoughtful things – along with having a great sense of humor. There were some obvious obstacles, although, I tried hard to just focus on just “having a good time.” I thought in the back of my mind, if he cares enough, these obstacles won’t be a problem in the end.

It continued to build momentum. I tried to keep guarded but with no other good options (and I was really looking!), I lost the war and fell for him. He had so much of what I was looking for!

Then there comes the point where you are either moving forward or backward. Yep, mine went backward. Just like so many times in the past.

It was a rough month of uncertainty as I had to test the waters and see how much I really meant to him.

When the appropriate time came – luckily I recognized it after much pondering and prayer – I got my answer of what was to be. And it wasn’t.

It hurt. It always hurts. Why do I think it won’t? I’m not different from anyone else. The circumstances and the names of the guys may be different, but the disappointment, sadness and frustration are all the same.

Why was it so hard to get back up this time? I longed to force myself to a very short “mourning” period. I hate being a baby, whining and pining about a lost opportunity. And I had very stern talks with myself –giving great instruction on why it’s better to move on, forget about him, forget about the past, look forward to the future. You know, get back out there on that dating horse!

Yet, there were no dates to ride. And it was just empty and quiet. No good distractions, except unfortunate opportunities to run into him. Yuck.

It’s a cycle. They are never quite the same, but it still has to be ridden to the very end.

I feel better now. It’s still a famine in the dating world but I still wonder if it’s the vibe I’m giving off. It took such a long time to get here! Way longer than I wanted or he deserved. But I learned some important lessons. The most important one was how much I CAN’T do this alone. No one really understands what it’s like to be me. And I would NEVER assume to know what it’s like to be you. But the Savior knows and cares. And only through the atonement can I find relief. Not just from my sins, but from my disappointments and broken heart. I keep forgetting that. It’s a stupid thing to forget but the distractions of the world and my own pride seem to keep me from seeing that simple truth at crucial times. Luckily, I finally remembered and stopped suffering alone.

So that’s my excuse for leaving the blogging world for a while. Not a great reason or excuse, but it’s all I’ve got. I’ve considered dropping this blog more than once. I’m the last of those that started in the beginning. And if anyone was reading in the beginning, I wasn’t too active and vocal like the others. It’s hard to share so much and so often. To continue to carry the torch alone is a tough one! Being left behind isn’t fun. Nobody likes it. And one thing that was agreed in the beginning about this blog was to never make this a pity session or a “rant and rave” session with no real resolution.

But after careful thought, I realize I need to sit back and reflect more, instead of trying to distract myself from another loss. Just as I can’t give up on my goal to get married, I can’t give up on the blog. I only hope I really have something worth saying and I can try to say it more often….

Parable of the Two Re-Potted Plants (Marnie)

2010-06-28T21:28:00.005-06:00

I re-potted two plants. One was ACHING to get out of the pot it was in, although I didn’t realize it until my mom made the suggestion. Once she did, it was so obvious that that was the secret to why it wasn’t thriving like it should have been and lacked the spunk and perkiness it used to have.

I switched out that pot that was too small and gave it to another plant that wasn’t doing all that bad, but wasn’t really meeting its true potential either. I felt this other pot might bring it more joy. It seemed better suited for it. This plant took twice as long to dry out in the old plastic pot - unlike the other plants - I worried about the plant molding in the pot if I wasn’t careful. I hoped that its new home in a terracotta pot which draws out the moisture faster would solve this problem and help it thrive better.

The first plant is doing better. It took a few days to adjust but it’s now thriving and looks healthier than it has been in a while.

The other plant? Well, I feel as though it’s very mad at me. Apparently, that plant liked the old pot. This new one – even though I feel it is better suited for its future - just isn’t feeling right to it. And this plant, which is supposed to be difficult to kill, looks like it’s on its last leg. It’s not thriving. It’s not adapting. It’s just looking sad. And lonely. And hurt.

I’m not entirely sure what I’m trying to say here, but I guess sometimes we are eager for change – things to help us move and grow in different ways. Things that will help us thrive and do better. Sure it’s a little bit of an adjustment, but sometimes we just clamor for excitement in that change.

And then there is the other plant. The kind that felt it was doing great! And then low and behold, someone turned its world upside down and forced it into a new pot, new situation, and new challenge.

We have a choice, but when that sort of change comes along – the unexpected and tumultuous - the temptation is great to just pout and wilt. Just like my plant is doing.

I’m not throwing stones. I’ve “been there, done that” hundreds of times – in both situations. I just wish I could stop from pouting and wilting. Yet, at times it feels like it’s all I have the energy to do, which really is ridiculous if you think about it.

If we are truly growing in our lives and learning from past experiences, the pouting and wilting is just a terrible waste of time! And so dangerous. There is no telling how it will affect our spirituality, or even our temporal lives. It only ends up hurting us – our souls. Sometimes I think the pouting and wilting will get me what I want. Ah! Silly plant! That is just a pipe dream spread through the media of television and movies the world gives us.

I only hope my little pouting and wilting plant will see that its new environment WILL be better. It just has to WANT to live in the new pot.

I’ve said it before…attitude is everything!

Dating in the Eternities (Leah)

2010-06-19T16:35:00.000-06:00

Excuse me for sharing this. I know I'm not a "Single Mormon Girl" anymore and probably shouldn't be posting here, but I have to say I still love this blog and love all the posts and comments and I can't resist just sharing a few more thoughts that come to me in relation to my "Leah" identity. I love being married, don't get me wrong, but sometimes I still identify better with my single friends than I do my new set of peers. In fact, the first month after being married if I saw a woman who was like myself, but still single, I felt guilty for having gotten married. Looking at her just made me think she "deserved" it more than I did - whatever that means. I found myself in elevators with single women and I wanted to tell them I really was just like them only a month or so before - it was like I felt I had betrayed my sisterhood or something weird. One time in the temple, when interacting with one of the workers who was a single woman, I found myself trying to hide my ring. I was even tempted to give her my maiden name. I think (hope) I'm getting over some of those feelings, but it sure is a process. Okay, maybe I need to create my own new blog "Confessions of a Recently Married Mormon Girl." I'll stop and get on with the original thought that motivated me to post on here.

What I wanted to share was an interesting idea presented by a friend of mine on the topic of dating and striving toward marriage. She was around 40 and single and living a full life, but frustrated with her prospects. One day the thought occurred to her that if she didn't get married in this life, when she got to the other side, God wasn't going to say, "Here's your Son of Helaman" (or whatever), instead He would say, "All right, you better get dating, you still need to find a husband." The thought of continuing that same goal in the next life was painful to her and she figured she would rather complete it now than have to do it later. That thought never occurred to me, but you know, it sounded true when she said it.

I visit teach an older woman who was never married and she is determined to never do so in this life. She says she's too set in her ways and would have to compromise too much to marry now. She even sleeps in a twin sized bed. She expects to be wife number two or something in the next life. I think she has the attitude that she'll just be magically given a husband when she dies and life will be easy or something. I don't know but now I'm interested in asking her more about what she expects the next phase of eternal life will be like.

All I know is that there are a lot of lessons to be learned as a single woman while playing the dating game. In truth it's all about getting to know yourself better, work on your weaknesses, and in the process strengthen your relationship with God while learning to love as He does. It's not easy.

Gratitude Can Change Your Attitude (Marnie)

2010-03-11T22:50:00.005-07:00

I would rather puke than listen to one more married person with a husband and 3.5 children tell me I should be grateful that I’m still single. I personally think that these comments should be outlawed. These insensitive individuals should have to pay some huge fine for their hurtful comment or at least spend a few days in jail. Because I didn’t marry their stupid husband or raise their rotten kids! Why should I be grateful to be single because they choose unwisely and created their own mess??

Unfortunately, they are completely right. But not for the reason they say.

I’ve found as I’ve made goals to improve my social life, work on my relationship skills, and even to get married (I’m on my third official goal now!! 2010 is MY YEAR!!), keeping the faith and trusting God has been REALLY tough. Just when I’m doing well, something happens and I seem to lose my footing and just start to fall apart. Sometimes I can stop it, but sometimes I just crash and burn…

We’ve been told to be grateful. I think it’s even a commandment. Well, from experience I know it helps me deal with my singleness – as crazy as that sounds. And remembering to be grateful helps me get out of that low place I find myself in.

Because on paper – discounting my hopes and dreams for a future family being unfulfilled – my life is not all that bad. I have a good stable job that I enjoy most of the time. I have a home and car that runs most of the time – neither are perfect - but they are a lot better than I thought I would have. I was blessed with a great family and parents that don’t give me any guilt trips about not living up to the goal of producing grandchildren for them – the one thing parents desire most when they hit 65 years old. I have great friends that keep track of me as though I am family – while I live far from my family. They have been the consistency a single person needs. Even as most of them have moved on and married, they still keep me a part of their life. And for some strange reason, they still want to hear my horrible, horror stories from my dating experiences. Go figure.

I think remembering all these things helps keep me positive about my future. Why? Because when you look at your life – really look at it – God blesses you so much. But you HAVE to recognize it. If you don’t see it, you can’t feel that love from God, which is so essential in dealing with the stresses of earthly existence. When I do take the time to realize how much I have and how much God has been a part of my life and blessed me, I am truly humbled and realize that focusing on what I don't have is not the point of it all and that it only makes me miserable.

Well, what if you don’t have a great job, or you are in debt up to your ears, live your life the very best you can every single day, and you are STILL unmarried? That seems even MORE unfair. But I can PROMISE you that if you examine your life, you’ll see how God watches out for you every day – how he helps you. Sometimes a whole lot in one day. It’s funny how quick we are to say a good thing is from luck or even from our own doing. We are very self-centered that way. (At least I know I am.) But if we take the time every day to recognize how God is in our life, we will appreciate everything so much more and will find that the void we feel – the lack of a husband and our children – won’t hurt as much. We’ll feel more love from God and will realize that he cares about every aspect of our being. And that he understands our pain and loneliness. And that he has a very special plan for us. Sure, we may not like our plan – or at least this part of the plan – but it is our own and it’s perfect for our progression.

Enjoying the journey is the hardest thing in the world for me - especially when the journey isn't what I planned. But appreciating what you have and recognizing the hand of God in your life while you go through the hard journey makes it a lot easier.

Pres. Henry B. Eyring tells of how he began a long time ago to write in his journey every single day about how God had a hand in his life and blessed him and his family. It changed everything for him. Well, I’m terrible at journals – but I’m going to do a 30 day experiment. I’m going to do what President Eyring did. I’m going to record every night how God helped me that day. Even if it’s that he gave me several green lights that got me to work on time when I was running late. My hope is that it will help keep me more grounded and help me give credit where credit is due. And most especially, help me find that happiness that only comes from feeling true gratitude for my life.

One More Success Story! (Marnie)

2010-02-28T20:53:00.004-07:00

No, I'm not engaged, but a close friend of mine is! I'm SO excited for her! It has been a really long relationship (we are talking many years). I know it was a tough road with lots of good times and LOTS of tears. But she made it and now she's getting married! She's my age and frankly, I LOVE to hear success stories about women my age somehow finding a good man finally ready to be married. It's wonderful! It gives me hope.

As much joy as I have for her, I mourn over my own situation. I remember so many of our talks over the last 13 years we've known each other - talking about the men in our lives, our difficulty in dating and the faith it takes to just keep going. She made it! I know she hasn't any idea how she got where she is. She just kept persevering.

But what have I done in those last 13 years? I've actually come a long way. A REALLY long way! And she'll even whole-heartedly agree with me! I've attended dating workshops, read multiple dating/relationship books, made multiple goals, which has resulted in taking more risks, conquering fears, getting out of my comfort zone and dating more than I ever have. I even dated a couple of really great men for a little while.

But then I look at her relationship and realize, even after all I've accomplished, I haven't even gotten CLOSE to a relationship that would end in marriage. I just couldn't seem to get there. She's covered so much distance on a road I've never gone on - heck, I don't even know where that road starts! It's like that road is a secret freeway, and I can't find the on-ramp to a serious relationship. I keep driving up and down the street frantically searching for that on-ramp and still coming up short becoming completely lost. It's not from a lack of trying or desire. Oh, how I yearn for it! But it hasn't been my turn yet.

I think I need a GPS.

I'm not sure what's in the water lately, but she is the fourth friend in my midst to get engaged/married in 6 months, which is just unheard of in my circle of friends. It's a miracle! It's glorious! And it's just downright depressing.

Yeah, I know...it's another test of faith. Another opportunity to decide if I'm going to trust God and keep going or spit on the ground and give up. It would be so easy to give up.

But I can't. So I'll keep trying. Trying not to be too jealous of her finally moving to another phase in her life and me being left behind to wonder and worry because I haven't even found a boyfriend yet - let alone a husband. And I'll try not to drown in the feeling that this just isn't ever going to happen for me no matter how hard I try. I've just got to fight that feeling! I can't listen to that voice in my head that speaks of my biggest fears. I just can't.

So I will just keep going forward with as much faith I can muster each day. And just like my newly engaged friend, I'll keep taking risks and be patient. And persevere. Yep, that's all you can do.

Dating Contract (Marnie)

2010-02-11T10:16:00.003-07:00

My friend gave a copy of this to me awhile back.

Although the terms on this wouldn't quite fit all my particular needs, I thought it was the most revolutionary document since the Declaration of Independence!

If it were instituted in the single world, think of the awkward, painful moments we would avoid and how much time we would save! Oh, if it were only that easy.

It's fun reading...
Happy Dating!
Marnie

Dating Contract:
Upon this the ____ (day) of ________(month) _____(year), for the purpose of sanity, order and open communication, the following contractual agreement has been formulated.

Article I: Dating

For the purpose of clear communication of signals and fiscal balance, the woman will be responsible for the initiation and planning of the third date. If, at this point she isn’t very interested in the guy, then she can let the whole thing dissolve by simply not initiating the date.

If the third date is not initiated within 2 weeks of the second date, then the man should clearly assume the relationship is terminated.

Article II: Telephone Calls

At least every third “What’s up?” phone call is the responsibility of the woman. When one calls, the other should return the phone call as early as convenient, but within 24 hours.

Article III: Text Messages

No text messaging to each other unless one of the two is in church or at work; a real phone call is required. No text messaging on the date. While a phone may be taken on the date, it should be treated as if it were off or broken.

Article IV: Define the Relationship (DTR)

At date _____(date number) there will be a DTR. At the said DTR, the status of the relationship will be addressed; including the status of: “We’re dating,” boyfriend/girlfriend, and dating exclusively.

Article V: Eating

If you are hungry, eat! Eat a lot. If you are not hungry don’t order anything.

Article VI: Finishing off the Night

If a guy is taking you out for a second time, then it is obvious he likes you enough that he would like to kiss you. It is realized that good things take time. The woman will make a clear and defining gesture communicating that she wants a hug, a kiss on the cheek, or Oh Baby.

Article VII: Closure

If there is any sudden change in the direction of the relationship, then honest expression of feelings, emotions and intentions should occur. There will be no leading on, mind games or wondering what in the hell is going on.

Article VIII:

Any mutually agreed clause not previously mentioned or amendments may be entered here:

I ___________(state full name), the woman in the prospective relationship do hereby acknowledge and accept the term and rules of said dating game. Dated:______

I ___________(state full name), the man of the prospective relationship do hereby witness and attest to the agreement by _________________(woman's name) and also agree to follow all rules as stated. Dated: ________

I Refuse to Act Like a Victim! (Marnie)

2010-02-02T12:35:00.004-07:00

Why is it when we females end up liking someone we've gone out with, we suddenly lose all of our senses and scheme away on how we are going to "help" a man (or "trick," whichever you prefer) into wanting to keep us? In the old days, men approached the women and pursued them. It was up to the woman to either accept his advances or not. And when she accepted them, they ended up married within the year. Sounds so easy!

Today, it feels like we are using all our skills to get their attention, they ask us out and then we wait on baited breath to see if they ask us out again. For me it's probably because finding really great guys that actually interest me are hard to come by. So when I do meet one that I click with and I think, man, he could be a real potential, I hold on so tightly that he slips away. At least my past relationships seemed to be that way.

It's like I become the victim because he holds all the cards! He claps, and I dance - metaphorically speaking of course...

Well, no more! I caught myself playing that victim role this last week when I was talking to some girlfriends about a man who I just CAN'T figure out. Is he interested? What are his intentions? On paper we are dating - S L O W L Y - but we are still dating. Unfortunately, his actions don't appear to be more than just casual dating. Well, I have goals! And this year is no different from the last two years. I want to start a relationship and actually have it end up at the temple instead of being "over." And my pondering, contemplating and dissecting what he's doing and trying to figure out what he wants from me is just a waste of my time!

So instead, why don't I analyze our date for what I want instead of what he wants? Instead of trying to figure out what his intentions are, why don't I decide if this guy is really worth it? Sure, he's great! We have a fabulous time and I'm attracted to him. But do I really know him yet? Instead of me trying to impress him with all of my great humor and intelligence, maybe I should be deciphering him. I should be drilling him for questions of things I need to know before I can commit to a man. And if it freaks him out, away he goes! And good riddance.

The female in me hates rejection, but I need to buck up and just be ok with it. Instead of worrying IF he will call, why not worry about if he does call, what new information I'm going to glean from the evening? What do I have to lose? Nothing!

Now I'm not talking about interrogating him under a spotlight, but sometimes I think I worry too much about what they think of me, instead of what I think of them. It's time to work on some communication skills because frankly, I'm terrible at it when it comes to my associations with men. And even though he's a great catch, I have no real control over him falling in love with me. I can be on my very best cute, funny, deep behavior, but if he's not feeling it,"he's just not feeling it." (quote from Mr. Click when he broke up with me). And it really has nothing to do with me. It's just the way it goes.

So no more victim behaviors from me! Instead, I'm going to NOT take all this so personally. I'm going to enjoy myself and just try to make it a productive evening. You can tell a lot from a guy from his answers to specific questions. And I need to stop guessing how he would react to certain questions I'm too scared he'll take in the wrong way, and just ask them. Communication is essential to a long lasting relationship (at least that's what the books say) and if I can't communicate with a guy I'm going out with, he surely isn't the right guy for me.

I know, easier said than done. But if I say it out loud enough and drill it into my head - and let my girlfriends slap me across the face when I start acting like the whiny victim again - I just may be able to pull it off. Instead of thinking I have everything to lose, I'm going to BELIEVE I've got nothing to lose!

I've already said it before, I believe that God will send the right guy at the right time. I might as well be practicing for when he gets here. Who knows, maybe I'll find him sooner than I worry I will.

The Child-Bride and Lot's Wife (Marnie)

2010-01-12T22:18:00.004-07:00

At church I heard a talk given by a child-bride with her husband, who wasn't much older. Ok, they may have been more like 21 years old, but their "youngness" just oozed out of their mouths. After hearing about how they met and married - he pretended to be Canadian to "connect" with her - she got to the point of her talk. After hearing their love story, I had just about shut down to my "happy place" when she talked about something that was relevant.

I know! I was completely shocked!! Who knew a child-bride could come up with some wisdom??? I repented immediately for the sarcastic comments going off in my head and listened to what she had to say...because I needed it! Badly...and it really was an answer to a prayer. It was really very humbling. (And I'm being completely serious.)

This child-bride took her talk from Elder Jeffery Holland's address given at a BYU devotional last year, called "Remember Lot's Wife" - referring to the Old Testament story about Lot and his family.

The story goes that Lot, his wife, his daughters and sons-in-laws lived in Sodom. It was a really really REALLY wicked place. When he had some "angel" visitors come over to his house, Lot's neighbors basically threatened to break into his house and take them and his daughters and do to them what they wanted - and it wasn't to play Parcheesi! They wanted to do the most vile things to them and actually admitted it up front. These were NASTY people.

Well, the Almighty didn't take too kindly to that and felt it the last straw for Sodom and Gommorah (which was equally evil). Those angel visitors warned Lot to take his family and flee from the city because God was going to destroy it. Lot was only able to convince his wife and daughters to go with him. Before they took off, they were warned by the Lord to NOT look back at the city: "Escape for thy life; look not behind thee...escape to the mountain, lest thou be consumed." (Genesis 19:17).

Lot's wife apparently kinda liked life in Sodom and because she turned around, she instantly turned into a pillar of salt. I'm sure it had to have been a shock to Lot and his daughters. The threat of being "consumed" (i.e., turned to salt) couldn't have happened very often - even back then in Old Testament times. But the temptation to look back to Sodom was just too much for Lot's wife. And POOF! She was salt...

Elder Holland sums up Lot's wife's predicament too well for me to attempt to summarize:

"It is possible that Lot's wife looked back with resentment toward the Lord for what He was asking her to leave behind....it isn't just that she looked back; she looked back longingly. In short, her attachment to the past outweighed her confidence in the future."

Elder Holland continues:
"So, as a new year starts and we try to benefit from a proper view of what has gone before, I plead with you not to dwell on days now gone, nor to yearn vainly for yesterday however good those yesterdays may have been. The past is to be learned from but not lived in. We look back to claim the embers from glowing experiences but not the ashes. And when we have learned what we need to learn and have brought with us the best that we experienced, then we look ahead, we remember that faith is always pointed toward the future -- faith always has to do with blessings and truths and events that will yet be efficacious in our lives. So a more theological way to talk about Lot's wife is to say she did not have faith. She doubted the Lord's ability to give her something better than she had. Apparently she thought, fatally as it turned out, that nothing that lay ahead could possibly be as good as those moments she was leaving behind."

And that, in a nut shell, is me!! I keep looking back right now. For some reason, I keep wishing for the past: wishing that my past relationship will somehow suddenly, magically change and be made perfect and I will get what my heart desires.

But it's not meant to be! I know deep down inside, it's time to move on. It's time to ditch this wonderful impossibility I keep thinking up in my head. I think it's hard because I haven't figured out why this particular guy was bad for me...why it was best for it to NOT work out? I often can tell after a few months after a break-up why I am so grateful a relationship ends. A sigh of relief often goes through my body when I think about who I might have married if I had had my way! God was wise and saved me from making some BIG mistakes by not giving me what I wanted!

But it's been months and I still can't figure out what was so wrong with this one? It seemed (and still seems) SO right!

And that's where I'm just not getting it. I say that I trust God - that I'm trying to accept God's plan. If I do, does it matter why it was such a bad situation? Does the Almighty REALLY have to explain to me the reason why? Shouldn't I just trust him? I mean, if I really did believe in God's Will for me - which is something I've been praying to do for 6 months now - does it really matter why it wasn't right? I should just know that God has a better plan for me. That the RIGHT guy - who isn't the last guy I've dated - is up ahead and I just need to keep trying, be prepared and have faith that God will send him in God's timing.

OH, but the temptation to look back is sometimes just too great and I forget all the logical reasons I've already processed (see above) and just wish that a Hollywood movie ending I've been dreaming up in my head will happen for me!

Silly girl. You'd think after all these years of being single I wouldn't be that bad of "hopeless romantic."

So now my new mantra is "Remember Lot's wife"(Luke 17: 32) I've complained before that I'm running out of precious time and by looking back these last few months I've been sabotaging myself!! I have GOT to look forward! I've got to stop wishing for the past because I know darn well that God will provide a better opportunity in the future, contingent on my faith in him. I can't give up now! I've come so far and changed so much these last 5 years! I'm so CLOSE I can feel it! I just need to endure and trust the only truly trustworthy person in my life: my Heavenly Father.

Peace on Earth, Good Will Toward Men - Especially the Single Ones! (Marnie)

2009-12-27T22:56:00.007-07:00

In the true Christmas spirit, I decided to make it a goal to be nicer to the men in my midst - single or married. That includes speaking kindly of them and refraining from speaking when I'm NOT thinking nice thoughts about them. I've made this goal before, and it's time to do it again. I've even prayed to love them as a whole and try to show some empathy for their predicament - trying to understand women. And that is no easy task! I know we women can be very confusing to them. Heck, I find that I confuse myself sometimes from trying to sort through my own thoughts and feelings! Seems only fair to cut them as much slack as I think I deserve.

Christmas season is a mixed bag of feelings for me. I love going home for Christmas and seeing my family. I love the opportunities to get together with friends and hearing from them through Christmas cards. But there are other reasons that make the holidays hard.

One of those reasons is the constant reminders I run into of how alone I am. Sure, I am really lucky to have so many people and wonderful things in my life. And I know it! But life is not a Christmas Hallmark movie - the kind they play 24/7 during the month of December. I don't get a boyfriend/fiance by Christmas eve because of some incredible, out of the ordinary situations that can only be contrived by a female script writer. Curses to these women!! I suggest avoiding the Lifetime and the Hallmark channels completely in the month of December if you want to escape feeling sorry for yourself...You know it's bad when after watching one of those poorly acted, cheesy, completely unbelievable films you go to bed completely depressed about your marital status and jealous of a fantasy world.

Sometimes you need to protect yourself by avoiding those movies and just focus on the REAL meaning of Christmas - the birth of the Christ child that redeemed all mankind from sin and pain. Not many people remember the pain part! We are good at realizing our sins and getting relief through repentance. But do we utilize the atonement to heal our broken hearts? Our hearts that have endured disappointment, hurt from circumstances beyond our control, and loneliness that makes our hearts feel as though they will literally break? You don't have to be single to feel any of that. You just have to be human. But there is a special feeling of isolation for single women over 30, that no one truly understands unless they've been there before. But there is some relief.

And that's why this Christmas I've been really trying to focus on the gift of the Atonement that only comes from Jesus Christ. I've said it before, the only thing I really have control over in this life is my relationship with God. And what a glorious thing! I can make all the difference in the world on how much love I can feel from God and how much help and revelation I can get - just by making an effort. It really doesn't take a huge one, but an effort nonetheless.

And if I can feel that love and peace from God, I can surely be nicer to the male population and give them the benefit of the doubt - especially those that are in my dating pool. If I can see the best in them and keep a positive attitude, I know I can keep my heart and eyes open to finding that great man that is meant for me. I think we can keep ourselves from seeing what is really in front of us sometimes - jaded, sarcastic eyes don't see clearly at all. I must keep myself from doing that and if I can, I know it will pay off in the end.

So, single men in my dating pool: I extend an olive branch to all of you! I will no longer speak in generalities or stereotypical terms concerning your abilities to date or commit! I will recognize your goodness and kindness. And I will now believe that the kind of man I'm looking for - and need - is really out there and actually looking for me.

Starting now...

Statistically Speaking...(Marnie)

2009-12-23T19:53:00.002-07:00

When I finally decided a few years ago to take the bull by the horns and really change my life and behaviors to improve my dating habits and abilities, I read a dating book that talked about the statistics of the possibility of a single woman marrying after the age of 30. We've all heard that saying that there is a better chance for a single woman over 35 to be killed by a terrorist than to get married. It's not that funny. At least not today it isn't.

The book I read gave numerous reasons why that statement is completely erroneous and how chances are BETTER for a woman in her 30s to marry because her dating pool is so much bigger because she can date so much younger or older than when she was in her 20s. There were multiple many reasons and I really felt like they were all valid and it gave me hope!

Plus, if you date on a regular basis, the chances of marriage is really just a matter of time. Statistically speaking, of course. Right?

But I'm an anomaly. I'm Mormon. I want to marry a Mormon man. I want to marry a Mormon man who is actually practicing being a Mormon! I've dated a couple of amazing men in my time - I don't settle for less. But when push came to shove, these men weren't ready for marriage. A few were so far from it I'm not even sure why I bothered to date them. But the thing was, each guy was amazing! A great human being that had so much to offer! Yet, they couldn't get to that commitment stage - and each of the relationships ended.

I know it's easy for me to analyze these men and lay blame on them and their inability to commit. (Heaven forbid they broke up with me because of some flaw in me!) But I've heard the stories of many fellow women in their 30s trying to find a quality guy to marry. And you think, well is there a great guy ready for marriage in his 30s? Well, no! If he was, he'd be married already!!

Now I know that there are men that have a change of heart, work through the difficulties, and somehow work through their fears and hangups and get to the temple alter. I've seen it! it's kinda like a four-leaf clover though...they are very much a reality but they are rare. And the chances of YOU being the one to find that four-leaf clover, well, that's just lucky! (sorry for the pun!)

And what are the chances that I am "that girl" that falls for "that guy that's finally ready for marriage" at the right time in the right place?? Statistically speaking? Not so good...

So what's the point? Some days I just don't know. But I have to keep trying. I have to keep the faith that there is a bigger plan for me than just believing in the statistics. I have to believe that this is all a part of my life experience that was SUPPOSED to happen to me, not happened by accident. I haven't met the "one" at the right time in the right place because it wasn't right. Thankfully, looking back at almost all of my past relationships, I can honestly say I'm so grateful that they didn't end in marriage. I'm much smarter about what I want and what I need in a husband. Unfortunately, that isn't taught to you as a child. It takes experience and risk. And then comes a lot of the hurt. It's all essential and necessary. And it takes time. Apparently for me, LOTS of time!

So, here I go...today I'll be depressed about the statistics, but tomorrow I've got to start believing again! Get my faith back! And TRUST that this is all a part of the big plan - no matter how daunting and impossible it seems. Because, as the scriptures say, "For with God nothing shall be impossible." (Luke 1:37) Even when dating single Mormon men over 30.

Alma - the War Chapters (Marnie)

2009-12-18T10:26:00.003-07:00

Ever had trouble applying stories from the book of Alma (in the Book of Mormon) to your own life? I recently found that you can apply the war chapters to the world of dating!

Here's the scripture - Alma 60: 21-23. It's the famous letter from Moroni to Pahoran:

21 Or do ye suppose that the Lord will still deliver us, while we sit upon our thrones and do not make use of the means which the Lord has provided for us?
22 Yea, will ye sit in idleness while ye are surrounded with thousands of those, yea, and tens of thousands, who do also sit in idleness, while there are thousands round about in the borders of the land who are falling by the sword, yea, wounded and bleeding?
23 Do ye suppose that God will look upon you as guiltless while ye sit still and behold these things? Behold I say unto you, Nay. Now I would that ye should remember that God has said that the inward vessel shall be cleansed first, and then shall the outer vessel be cleansed also.

You may think I'm a bit off my rocker to think that this applies to dating but it does for me. I just went through another disappointment. Nothing serious, just lots of casual dating that seemed to have SO much potential that ended with nothing. (And I lost out to another girl. I'm still shocked and amazed about that, but maybe that's just pride talking.) So the feelings I fight are disappointment, despair, anger at the male population, and just the feeling that I'm never going to find a man that I want who wants to keep me. It's a never-ending battle, but as time goes on, it gets better.

I'm proud to say that instead of my blaming God (which I'm prone to do), I've come out of this with the attitude that this guy just wasn't the right one. He was not in my plan that God has in store for me, which makes it good that he is out of the picture because now I can look for the right guy.

And I can't find the right guy without doing my part - which is where the scripture comes in to play. I can't sit on my butt and wait for "him" to come to me. I have to get back out there in the single world and smile and be the best me. But I can't be the best me until I'm feeling my best, which includes feeling good about my self - inside and out. And to make sure that I'm in a good place spiritually. I find my best relationships have begun when I feel like my relationship with God is going pretty well (i.e., I'm not mad at him for my current situation or circumstances). In this out-of-control existence I lead, the only thing I have control over is my relationship and attitude with God. And to me, it's about cleaning that inner vessel and working on making sure I'm doing what I know makes me happy. That's no easy task, but it's very necessary!

And if I'm ever going to be "delivered" out of this place I'm in and move to the next stage in life, I need to fight the urge to stay home and pout that the man I really wanted didn't want me. No good comes of that idleness and I don't want to waste any more of my precious time on behavior that doesn't help me. It's always a good time to take a risk and try again - especially when I really, really, really don't want to.

Why I've Been Missing (Marnie)

2009-12-01T23:22:00.004-07:00

It's been months since I've blogged on this website. The few of you that still read this may have wondered, what happened to Marnie? Did she fall in love and get married? Like Marcia, Kris and now Leah? No. No I didn't. I did date someone for awhile, but it ended. I'll talk more of that in another blog.

But I did have a life altering experience that has distracted me from blogging. I moved and I've been trying to make some order in my new home. And I must admit, I've never been so preoccupied with my living space in my whole life. It's needed a fair amount of work - which has forced me to do all sorts of things I don't like doing - like asking for help, relying on others knowledge and assistance, making decisions based on what little experience and knowledge I have, and making really stupid mistakes while trying to fix the problem myself. It makes me feel completely out of my league and shoots me down to new levels of humility. I've often tried to avoid learning new things that have a very high learning curve for me - they tend to make me struggle to the point of frustration and I hate that (You should have seen the day I tried to wakeboard! DISASTER!!!). Nothing drives me more to crying than working on a home project that "should" have taken 60 minutes to do - according to the instructions – that really took 9 hours and 2 trips to Home Depot to complete and still not quite achieving the desired result.

But now that the worst of it is over, I'm glad I did it. I'm glad I took the risk - although I really didn't know what I was getting into - and I'm learning (slowly) to appreciate the journey as much as reaching the destination (a warm, inviting environment). My house isn't perfect, but then, nothing ever is. There are still lots of little things that drive me crazy, but I have gotten some things resolved and I like to focus on that.

I feel as though I married this house. The commitment level has been huge. Not only on the financial level, but I have had to put a lot of work into it. Tons. And sometimes the results are nothing what I anticipated or wanted. But I have a home that protects me from the world and keeps me warm (when I feel rich enough to turn up the heat).

I wonder if after you first get married you go through the same shock and frustration as I went through with my new home? At one point I wondered why I did it. I prayed about it and felt good about the decision and it all fell into place - but when the problems started to arise and I felt over-whelmed, I wondered why I made the plunge in the first place.

I also wondered why I missed some important realities about the condition of the place. I didn't see many of the details I should have when I visited the house those multiple times before I moved in. Once I had the place, all the flaws and problems seemed so GLARING! If I had seen them before, I would have had a better understanding of what I was up against. I wouldn't have NOT made the decision to get the place, but I would have been less surprised and disappointed with the realities.

Why was I so naive about the experience? If it I got an answer of "yes" to do it and it felt so right to do in the first place, why were there so many problems that had to be dealt with and why were they so hard to conquer? Several times I thought maybe I had made the wrong decision and I had dreamed up that good feeling before as an answer to a prayer.

I think I sabotaged myself on a regular basis because unfortunately, I always have a very good idea in my head of how things should go. Structure and order are one of the things that make me happy. And at times I felt like I was in a construction zone (I'm exaggerating of course) and had no routines. Living day to day and not really knowing what I was doing or what exactly what I needed to work on first because there seemed so much to do, left all my previous security I had felt go out the window. And when I don't feel secure, the little things like picking the right paint color seems as big as deciding whether to move to a different city or change jobs. It's almost like everything was magnified into being a bigger situation than it really was. I didn't see the eternal perspective (it's just a house for crying out loud!). It left me so discontented at times that I wished I'd never tried this new adventure in the first place. Crazy!

I wish I could say I'm in complete control now and that things are going smoothly and everything is in it's perfect place now that some time has passed. Nope. That's going to take much longer to do. But it is going much better. My patience has improved a little better - I can work on the house until 2am before I start crying from frustration as opposed to midnight. And my idea of how things “should be” has been completely shifted to "what can I live with?" Maybe this was a way for God to give me a small glimpse into how a real committed relationship is. I've never had one and no matter how many books I’ve read, experiences I’ve heard about or movies I’ve watched on people dealing with a committed relationship, nothing beats the experience.

But having this home feels good sometimes - really good. And then sometimes it's just one huge pain in the neck. Sounds a lot like a committed relationship with a man to me. Well, at least from what I’ve heard…

Lessons Learned in Sunday School (Leah)

2009-11-09T10:49:00.002-07:00

I've been meaning to post for some time now. Over the summer I found myself listening to old BYU devotional talks. One was by Elder Ballard about womanhood. I was struck by the lack of feminity in my own life and vowed to embrace my divine nature as a daughter of God. I think women of today can and should do more to be feminine. I think I posted something like this before but now I have church authorities to back me up - too bad the talk was so long ago I can't remember specifics. So... on to a new topic!

Yesterday in Sunday School we discussed missionary work. The teacher put the following list on the board:
1) Not knowing how to start
2) Fear of rejeciton
3) Thinking they aren't ready
4) Don't have the spark
5) Overcomplicating it
6) Don't know any nonmembers
He said this was a list of reasons why he had trouble being a member missionary. He realized, though, after putting it on the board that it sounded like a list of reasons why he wasn't in a dating relationship. Everyone in the room acknowledged how right on he was. Earlier this year my ward got a new bishop. I struggled with his new push on missionary work. I kept thinking, doesn't he know our ward? Doesn't he know we're trying to get married and that we NEED to? Why is pushing missionary work when that's not our purpose as a ward? Over time I've come to the realization that if we worked on our missionary skills we'd also be working on our dating skills. This list only proves it. If we can get over all those hangups as member missionaries then we'd probably also be over them in the world of dating, and vice versa. It's all about taking relationship risks and being genuine. Essentially aren't we all on this earth to learn how to love others and be more God like?

p.s. In other news... I'm engaged. Phil and I are getting married very soon! But not soon enough. :)

What is Patience? (Leah)

2009-08-07T08:17:00.002-06:00

Lately people have been coming to me for advice about dating. Phil and I have been dating a decent amount of time and enjoying every bit of it, but to the average female friend I've become a poster child for patience. Maybe so - I would have never said so. One thing I realized when trying to help them out is that I'm not the only one in this relationship that's making it successful. I know - hello - it always takes two to tango. My point is, I think if things aren't going well in a relationship it also takes two. I'm learning that you just keep going forward until the two of you can't go forward. If that stopping point happens before marriage you likely go your separate ways. If it occurs after marriage then you get counseling or at least do some serious talking and praying together. So I think patience is just being able to enjoy and appreciate the moment you are in. The trick is to want to strive for more while also being happy with what you have. I think that's a lot like what we have to do at every stage of the search - still strive to get married while not being miserable with where you are. Tough. I find that it's easy to be hard on yourself, critical, and demanding. At least some of the women I've talked to (and I can relate) feel like if things aren't going right then I must be doing something wrong. Last Sunday I realized that it's not good to be critical of yourself, but you also can't be afraid to advise yourself. That way you are striving to be better but not falling into Satan's trap of discouragement. I once received a priesthood blessing and was told to have charity for myself and others. That was real turning point for me. I need to have patience for myself as much as I do for Phil. Isn't the whole gospel plan about learning charity period? Not just for others. Well, anyway, I just wanted to share those thoughts. I'm truly blessed with good people in my life, but I'm especially blessed to have a loving Father in Heaven who is patient with me.

Setups and Mayonnaise (Marnie)

2009-07-20T20:29:00.003-06:00

Back in 2001, I wrote this "article" for a friend's magazine endeavor. After re-reading it, I actually remember writing it and the experiences that inspired this article. Wow. Nothing like going down memory lane...I wish I were farther along than I am, but I'm afraid that some things haven't changed: I still HATE set-ups!

So, I thought I would share it with you:

“Setups are like a sandwich with too much mayonnaise”

If you’ve ever been on a set up date, you know the feeling that you get in the pit of your stomach when the ominous knock on the door happens by the guy you will have to spend at least 4 hours of your life with. You don’t know what he looks like, just a name. You of course, do a prejudgment with this important information…Dilbert Schultz doesn’t do anything for you…nor does a Mario Buccumbuso…yet, Brad Cruise or Harrison McConkie seems to spark something in you that makes you think, yeah, it could be “him.”

You tentatively walk to the door swallowing your gum (because it’s uncool to be chomping on a first date…that’s reserved for the 2nd date) giving a quick prayer that he doesn’t remind you of the kid that creeped you out in 8th grade.

As the door opens you look at his face and think silently (you hope) that you can’t be in that time of life where you are going out with a guy that looks THAT old. Yep, check the mirror, baby! You ARE getting old.

The first moments of the date are spent in spastic chatter while trying to act as casual as you can. You think, “Yeah, I’m calm…I’m cool, I’m collect…I’m rambling about my obsession with Coo Coo Roos.” So much for a great first impression.

The night is spent in trying oh-so-hard to “be yourself.” Yet you can’t pass up the chance to stress your finer points. “So what do you do in your spare time?” “I visit the homeless shelter and give blood when I can.” Sure, it’s true, but you conveniently forget that most of your time is spent in front of the TV. And of course, everything you hear out of his mouth, you judge to be a half truth – “yeah, surrrre you passed the bar the first time.” Nothing like pulling a double standard!

As the night draws to a close, you’ve both done your best to be as interesting as you can (so the report back to the mutual friend is that you were the better conversationalist). But as he drives you home as slow as physically possible (that “old guy” thing must really be true), the dreaded silence clouds over the car. You’ve already made a mental check-list in your mind of previous topics discussed. You’ve covered: his family, his career, his schooling, his hobbies, his mission, his favorite food, his favorite Nintendo game, his preferred toothpaste. Nothing is left. You dart your eyes out the window, looking for anything to talk about…ANYTHING.

“Yeah, that’s the Smith’s I shop at. It has better produce then Albertsons, even though Albertsons is closer to my house.” “Oh, you shop three times a week? Wow. That’s really interesting. I try to go only once a week. Saves on the bills. Oh, yeah. You don’t have to worry about that. You passed the bar.” Nope, not hitting it off.

You get home and get through the dreaded door scene. “Um, thanks! I really had a good time.” “We should go again sometime?” “Sure.” Could it be more awkward?

The roommates wait up and want the scoop. Did you like him? Well, he wasn’t offensive. Was he cute? He didn’t scare me, but then I wasn’t ready for him to touch me either. Did he make you comfortable? Are you kidding me? I didn’t let “me” be comfortable, it was a set-up! Do you want to go out with him? I have no idea…

The date had all the potential in the world…two seemingly normal people with a commonality of religion and apparently the same bad case of aversion to marriage. It should have worked! Yet the set-up was ruined…the moment I opened the door.

* This is not a true story although this article was inspired by real events. The gentleman is now happily married with 2 children. And that’s the way it goes…

Shopping for a Relationship (Leah)

2009-07-17T09:30:00.004-06:00

Hmm, I tried to come up with a clever title, but I'm afraid I didn't capture my true message. Maybe it will attract readers, though, with its sensationalism! What I really want to communicate, though, is how finding a mate can be a lot like buying a house for the first time.

Over the summer three of my good friends have all bought their first homes. As a home owner myself it was interesting to relive my experience through them. When they'd come to me with different fears or stresses I was reminded of my own back in the day. It also reminded me of some wisdom I've learned about shopping for a house in relation to finding a mate.

When I first considered buying a home I went to my neighbor, Bob. He was a home owner and recently married a good woman - two of the big things I was hoping to do. I feared that by buying a home I would become stuck and less available for marriage. Bob assured me that by owning a home I would be more desirable to a man. He said he would have been more than pleased if his good wife had a home when they married. So I did it. And you would not believe this, but I got my first serious boyfriend (in years) right about the time I moved in. Oh how I loved that Phil - but then he moved and we broke up and you know how life goes. Truthfully, though, I've had a few Phils since and none of them seemed concerned about me owning a home. One actually told me that he considered it a huge asset - I think he loved me for my home.

Now let me share another bit of wisdom I gained from another Bob in relation to home ownership. This Bob was a newlywed when we were visiting one day. He was giving me advice on a relationship. He said that when men date it's a lot like house shopping. They look about and pick a home that they think is super. What makes them love that home, though, is knowing that others will want that home as well and it's a bit of a challenge to be the one that gets it. He said he was never tempted by houses that nobody wanted and that he could get for super cheap. I think he was trying to tell me that men like a bit of a chase - they want to feel like they work for her and win her. I've heard similar things from dating coaches so I think my Bob may have been right.

As for my own lessons learned in house buying, well, it was a real faith exercising experience. Just like dating, I felt like going forward in the looking and then negotiating required a lot of patience, confidence, trust, and out right luck. Just when I thought I had the perfect house things came up that made me question if I really wanted it. I also wondered if I was getting a great deal or if I was being taken advantage of. I've felt similarly in past relationships. When you start to feel more used than honored then that's a good sign to get out. I had to remember, though, that no house would be perfect. So when I am tempted to give up on things or find faults in Phil I have to remind myself of what I really want. In shopping for a house I didn't get the dishwasher I wanted but I did get the garage. It was a tough decision at the time, but I am thrilled by my decision, just as I know I'll be when I finally get my man.

Importance of Proof-reading (Marnie)

2009-07-12T17:34:00.004-06:00

I mentioned before that I had decided to go online. I'm now on two LDS single websites. I've chosen LDSplanet and LDSSingles. I found LDSplanet to be a place where I attract men at least 10 to 15 years older than me. I can't tell you how discouraging that is! One email from a guy even said, "I wish you were younger! I'm old enough to be your dead." Yes, he typed "dead" instead of "dad." Even a better sign that we are NOT meant for each other.

I did find a cool feature that may cut down on communication from "older" gentlemen of that website. Under My Account, there is a section called "preferences." Under preferences, I can decide what age group can "view" me. Oh, it's a splendid feature!! I have limited it to 35 to 45 (I'm 38). That's the age range I'm comfortable with. Now, I am no longer getting creepy old guys sending me flirts like "love at first sight!" anymore! Now if they ONLY had that feature on LDSSingles...

LDSSingles tends to be more my style. I like how it shows more detailed information up front about the individual. I'm getting some emails from some guys my age which has been nice. One email asked me about my profile and wondered how I could hold a temple recommend if I said I never attended church. DOH!!! It appears that I failed to complete the profile and the default setting was "never attends church." It's been like this for at least a week and a half (when I first signed up) and for at least 3 emails I've sent out to potential guys that have not responded.

I since fixed it so it appropriately reflects who I am. I can only imagine what it would be like to get an email from a girl that is on a LDS website and specifically says, "never attends church." Not a good way to attract church going men - which I am looking for among other things.

So the lesson here? Double check your profile and proof-read! Oh, and change up the picture if it's not getting a good response. That helped too...

Reporting in...(Marnie)

2009-07-09T00:10:00.002-06:00

It’s July 5th, and I’m reporting in on my goals that I hoped to achieve by July 1st.

GOAL: Four dates by July 1st (to help me accomplish my "50 dates a mate" goal)
RESULTS: I did not get ONE date from a guy I had not been out with before! I guess I’m in a slump! Before I could at least get 1 if not 2 within a month’s time, but although I tried hard, it just didn’t happen. I did get asked out, but one guy canceled and said we would figure it out later (It’s been 2 weeks). And the other facebooked me and after I told him, "Sure! Let's go out!" He said he had to go “out of town.” It was VERY odd!! The “out of town” one isn’t a great choice. He doesn’t have any of the qualities that I’m looking for, so I may just skip him altogether. Then, I can focus more on guys that DO have the qualities I’m looking for. Of course, they appear to be currently hiding…

GOAL: Be on 2 single websites by July 1st
RESULTS: Well, I joined one website! But the 2nd one I haven’t done yet. I’ve been a bit disappointed about the response of the first website: LDSPlanet. Initial response was from 95% men that were over 50 years old. Are they kidding?? I'm 38!! I guess my profile or picture implies I’m desperate, because one is even being overly persistent. I’m blocking him the next time he sends me a “love at first sight” flirt! I guess I need to start searching for potentials myself and sending some flirts at the guys that at least “appear” normal. I’m not great at being the first to contact, but I guess it’s time to get over that. I do have faith that it will get better. I know in my singles ward, the first few months were all about meeting the crazy and creepy guys. They preyed on the new people. Once you work through them and they know you won’t be dating them, they move onto the next new batch. And then, the normal guys started to come out and approach me. Maybe that will happen on the website too. Here’s hoping!!

GOAL: Attend 3 new venues (places where singles can be) and practice 10 flirting techniques at each
RESULTS: I did attend 2 new venues where I did a great job at completing the flirting techniques. But then I had 2 new venues that I got a total of 8 all together. I blame it on timing and lack of males in each venue. Then I ran out of days in the month.

Overall, I guess it wasn’t a bad month. I didn’t really complete all my goals – ok, I did terrible! But I at least got it started. I’m hoping July is full of lots of activities and new venues to go to. We’ll see how the websites go…I’m a bit skeptical, but maybe it won’t be as bad as I think.

Goal Plan for the Summer (Marnie)

2009-06-15T21:34:00.005-06:00

A couple of weeks ago, I attended a day long dating workshop that was put on by Val Baldwin and Alisa Snell. I know! I'm a little addicted to these things. But I firmly believe the more I know, the better decisions I make. And since it's obvious my gut reaction on how to date hasn't gotten me very far, I've been really working on getting that knowledge and applying it. I firmly believe the techniques I've learned have helped me get more dates and be more successful in my dating experiences.

It was a great workshop giving great information about online dating (like writing a good profile and being safe online), the basics of flirting techniques and interacting with people of the opposite sex. One great thing about the workshop was that Alisa gave me a personalized goal plan for the next several months. I thought I would share my goal plan in hopes of making me more accountable and thus meeting my goals.

There are a two main goals I wish to complete by 9/9/09:
1. Complete the 50 dates to a Mate program. That means I've got 11 more dates with 11 different men before Sept 9th.
2. Be working on a relationship to get past the "3 to 6 week drop off"

Concerning #2, most relationships don't get past 3 to 6 weeks - which is a reality of dating. Some will never work out (one doesn't like the other). But some don't work out because of bad dating techniques - whether its looking too interested, not showing enough interest or not connecting in the kind of way that builds a relationship. I've had a couple relationships that have gotten past 3 to 6 weeks (my last one made it to 10 weeks!), but in the last 7 months I haven't gotten past 2 dates with any of the men I've gone out with. My excuse is that none of them have been the kind of guys I've wanted to go out with again. According to Alisa that means I'm not putting forth my efforts to meet and flirt with the right guys - which is probably true. That's why she had me make a top ten list of the traits I'm looking for in a mate. Five are non-negotiable and five can be. Now that I have that list, the goal is to focus my flirting techniques on the kind of men that have the traits I'm looking for, instead of with just anyone.

Here is my goal plan:

June 2009:
1. Add three new "venues" to visit this month (places you can meet other singles)
2. At each of those venues, practice 10 flirting techniques BUT only on men you interested in going out with
3. Go on 4 dates - on each date, do 5 flirting techniques
4. If you really liked the date, text him a thank you

July 2009:
1. By July 1st, be on two LDS single websites with different profiles and different pictures
2. After 5 exchanges in email with a guy online, tell him you would love to talk to him on the phone
3. Go on 4 dates - on each date, do 5 flirting techniques
4. If you really liked the date, text him a thank you

August 2009:
1. Go on 3 dates - on each date, do 5 flirting techniques
2. After the 4th date with a guy you want to go out with again, bake him his favorite cookies (thus taking a risk and showing him you like him enough to make that effort - that's a hard one for me...)
3. At least 3 times after an interaction with a guy you want to go out with, say, "It was nice talking to you, you should call me sometime" and walk quickly away. (the goal is for the guy to come back after you to ask for your number)
4. After a man calls you 3 times, call him once (again to show interest and take some risk)
5. Express faith and trust in one man you are dating - do this two times

The ultimate goal is getting those 50 dates to a Mate and finding a couple of great guys to get past that 2 date drop-off I habitually have. I'll report in periodically to let you know how it goes! I'm already half way in June and still no date toward the 11 I have left. But no worries! I believe that hard work, taking some risks, faith and lots of prayers will help me obtain my goals!

Fear and My Precious Time (Marnie)

2009-05-30T20:42:00.002-06:00

I was watching something I taped a while back from the Lifetime channel and it went to commercial. Before I could grab the remote, a commercial played for a movie that had Ricki Lake in it. It was called Matters of Life and Dating and it is about a single woman who is diagnosed with breast cancer. One of the clips from the movie was quite poignant (yep, I used the word "poignant" in reference to a Lifetime movie!). Ricky Lake's character says, "Fear has been a waste of my precious time."

That really hit home. Because for MANY years, dating equaled fear for me. In essence, I have wasted much of my precious time. And it's something I've worked hard to change.

What where those fears? The unknown, the known, the potential loss, the potential gain, the heart broken, the heart not even being touched at all...oh! the list of fears goes on and on when it comes to dating!

And it doesn't get better when you are in a relationship. The risk gets deeper and the potential fallout can make you go numb if you dwell in that fear.

So why have I been so afraid? What's the worse that could happen from dating? Well, let's list them:
1. Heart broken
2. Feelings hurt
3. Rejection
4. Loss of a loved one that doesn't love you back
5. Being vulnerable and having that person hurt you or exploit that vulnerability
6. Taking a risk and looking stupid
7. Saying something you regret

I could keep going, but that pretty much covers the gist of it. The fear is real. But it can keep you from something really important - and I don't mean a husband. I mean an experience. Because maybe that experience is necessary to go forward! Maybe that experience - and yes, you can get hurt when you take a risk - helps you make a better choice and carve out more room in your heart for the great man that is up ahead!! If we don't face that fear, we don't go anywhere!

We Mormons are always looking for the miracle (the man of your dreams comes from nowhere, you both suddenly realize you are perfect for each other and get married quickly). But alas, often life is about hard work and patience. As I've continued with my "50 Dates to a Mate" program, I'm finding that it's not just a date I'm getting, it's experiences and some of them aren't that fun. I would REALLY love to be that girl that sets that goal and meets "the one" at date #26. But as I've reached #39 with no good potentials on the horizon, I realize this could go on all the way to #100. That in itself sounds depressing but I at least can see now that each of these dates has taught me something I needed to know - how to improve a relationship skill, humble me, give me confidence, teach me what NOT to do in a certain situation, help me make better decisions about who I date and deal with confrontation. All those things will help me be a better catch and helps me make a better decision and see what I really want in a spouse. And I've been very fortunate to NOT have gotten what I prayed for in the past when it has come to the few relationships I've had. Those matches that seemed so great at the time really weren't and I can see now from these experiences it's good they ended.

So what about fear? Even though I know those experiences are important, I've let the fear creep in again and it's made me very discouraged with my dating situation this last little while (thus the reason I haven't posted anything for so long). I've thought, what is the point??? I have put my heart and soul into everything that I have control over to find more dates, meet more men and to try to find a guy that works for me. And what I've gotten has been disappointing. Mostly that I don't have much to show for it but some painful dates and some hurt feelings from taking a risk with some of those dates. And when you make a goal and seem SO far from it after what feels like you've put your whole heart, soul and faith in, it's very easy to succumb to the fear and just walk away.

But I can't. The reason I want to walk away is only because I'm scared my biggest fear of never finding someone will come true. But listening to that fear is the very reason it WILL come true! Thus, the dichotomy. (I think I used that word right?!)

So what am I going to do about it? Not give up. Not succumb to my fear. Get back out there and keep searching for dating experience #39 - even though it's scary for me.

Tonight I'm supposed to go to a singles dance - the scary kind. And all my friends have bailed out on me. What should I do? Stay at home on a Saturday night because going alone will make me feel vulnerable and uncomfortable? It's scary! There will be times where I will feel out of place or even feel like a sitting duck with some less than great hunters taking aim. But it's better to take the fear head on and go. Face that fear! I've done it before! I can do it again!

And hopefully, this will help empower me, overcome that debilitating fear and stop wasting my precious time!

Prayer (Leah)

2009-05-19T09:13:00.002-06:00

This morning I was looking online for an Education Week talk about healthy living to share with a friend. I found it. Then I decided to keep looking, just to see what I could see. I came across a talk on dating and finding your mate - "Hanging Out, Hooking Up, and Celestial Marriage," by Bruce Chadwick. After reading it I decided to share a bit with all of you. I was able to make a personal application in a friend relationship I'm currently struggling with, so I know there's truth in here for everyone - single or married. First is the link, then what follows is an excerpt.

http://speeches.byu.edu/htmlfiles/Chadwick_Bruce_05_2002.html

I don't know whether they ever repeated this simple exercise. But I learned a great lesson that has affected how I live my life, and I pass it on to you as my fifth suggestion: "Pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you." Most of us probably don't like those who hate us, and, sadly, these feelings of dislike canker our souls. Amazingly, praying for our enemies reverses our feelings. Maybe the person still hates you, but that does not matter. What matters is that your heart is softened and the Spirit abides with you. Usually a change in your feelings and subsequent actions will initiate a reduction of the other person's hatred of you. Perhaps even reconciliation may occur.

Whenever I have been angry over the years with my wife, Carolyn, I kneel and pray for this good woman. She is such a kind and loving person that my anger is usually my own fault. Whatever the cause, my angry feelings are turned to increased love by sincere prayer.

On Sunday afternoon Carolyn saw me editing my remarks and asked if she could read them. She offered some insightful suggestions. Later that night, just as we were drifting off to sleep, she whispered to me, "I heard you share your experience about praying for your enemies when you taught our Jerusalem students during the Mount of the Beatitudes field trip. Since then, whenever I have been angry at you, I have prayed for you. It has worked every time."

I did not know how to respond. I did not know whether to be miffed that she had felt I'd done things that justified her anger or to be happy that she had discovered the same results that I had in applying the Savior's words. If I were miffed at her, I would have had to get out of bed and pray for her, and since I was very tired, I decided to just go to sleep a happy man. It should be no great surprise that good things come from following the teachings of the Master.

Besides this suggestion to pray for your spouse, the implication for those of you who are single is to not only pray for yourself in a dating relationship but also to pray for the young man or woman in whom you are interested. Pray for what is best for them, which may turn out not to be you. But that is okay. The Lord will bless you, and good things will follow. This simple action will change feelings between husbands and wives, mothers and fathers, children and parents, and neighbors and co-workers. When you are angry, when a relationship is stretched thin to the limit, sincerely pray for the person who at that moment "hates" you. It will bring a mighty miracle in your feelings and in your ability to bear affliction.

Evils of the "Why" Road (Marnie)

2009-04-27T20:21:00.006-06:00

I attended a funeral the other day: a very old gentleman who was in a lot of pain finally passed away. But he left behind a wonderful family that dearly loved him and respected him for the kind of man he was. The family assured us all he had a great life.

It really was a great service, but it left me a little out of sorts. After hearing about this amazing man who openly adored his wife and lovingly called her his "little bride" til the day he died, it sent me down what I like to call, the "Why" road.

The "Why" road is destructive. You should NEVER go down it. It only brings more questions with no comfort and slowly torments you into new ways of regret and self-pity. I think a few you might know what I'm talking about.

The "why" road started with: "why didn't I find a man early in my life who loved and adored me and married him so I could have some kids before I was 30?"

Another why: "why did I get stuck with all the issues that have kept me from serious relationships?"

And: "Why didn't I deserve a chance at the kind of happiness that leads to watch your posterity grow as you become grandparents and great-grandparents?"

And still more: "Why didn't I figure out 10 years ago that I had some real fears with the opposite sex that has kept me from overcoming them and as a result has left me unmarried at 38?"

And even more: "Why did I have to be an old maid instead of the bride I see having pictures taken every time I walk through temple square?"

Not to leave out: "Now that I FINALLY understand my problems and have worked on overcoming them for years, why am I still so far away from a relationship with a really great man?"

And my favorite: "Why am I STILL alone?"

I think you get the drift.

Well, I'll quote Alisa Snell again: "It is what it is." I take that as, "Yep, that's what happened. Now get over it." Not much compassion in that statement, but when you are going down the "why" road there isn't enough to make you feel better anyway. So it's best to just take the nearest exit and get off of that road.

My life didn't turn out like the typical female at my age. No amount of questioning or wondering why my life didn't turn out that way will turn back time or give me a "do over." It's easy to crave another existence or even wish someone else's life. But that kind of questioning or thinking really leaves a bitter taste in your mouth and causes MORE problems: bitterness, anger, depression, frustration directed at the opposite sex and even God.

My life could have been the typical outcome, but that isn't the way it was supposed to happen. And that's it. The good news is that I took that exit and got out of my "why" road funk. Doing so reminded me how grateful I am for my life. Because really, my life is great! It's not the typical life I expected or desired when I was 12 years old, but I can see how many great opportunities and challenges I've had. And no married at 21 woman would have had those same opportunities. I know exactly who I am! I know what I'm made of. I've seen some really hard times and I've seen some incredibly wonderful times. It's a good life. It just lacks a significant relationship with a male.

But the good news is that even though I will never be a 30-something soccer mom - at my rate, I'll be the late 40-something soccer mom - it doesn't mean I WON'T have a great relationship with a wonderful man who will adore and love me and even might refer to me as his "little bride."

He's out there. I just have to keep looking...

Back from the Dead, plus a little humor (Kris)

2009-03-31T15:31:00.003-06:00

Just dropping by with a quick post. I just went back and read some of my entries when I started blogging on here and first met Grant. I can't believe that was less than a year ago. It was interesting reading all of that without the emotion behind it anymore. All that stressing. Things really did happen quickly. I can hardly believe I actually went through with it. It was a huge leap of faith.

I am happy to report that all those crazy things I was worried about ...well, to be honest, a lot of them came true. My life is so different than it used to be. A lot of what I loved about being single is gone. My life has become quite complex with a 45 minute commute to work each way on top of feeling new family obligations that I never seem to have enough time for, plus moving, trying to sell my condo, dealing with financial stress, etc etc. But, honestly, I have never been happier. I do not regret the leap of faith one bit. Grant is as dreamy as he ever was. For instance, tonight I was supposed to make a cake for Relief Society. It is also our date night and we usually spend it in SLC then sleep at my condo (his kids are with their mom one night a week). Grant just called to remind me about the cake and told me he was making it for me and sending it with a neighbor so I can fulfill my obligation at church yet still have date night with him. He's so great!

I hope you don't mind the personal update. I've missed this blog. What I really wanted to post today was something funny I found while cleaning out my bedroom in the move. This was something one of my girlfriends sent me when we were in college circa 1993.

Top 10 Reasons a Franklin Planner is Better than a Boyfriend:
10. A Franklin is neater.
9. A Franklin will never make you cry.
8. You don't have to worry about whether your Franklin will call.
7. A Franklin can never be late.
6. If a Franklin could kiss, it would be better.
5. A Franklin wont make you do its wash.
4. A Franklin is without hormones.
3. A Franklin won't leave you with wet lips and a broken heart.
2. A Franklin is FULL of necessary commitments.
1. A Franklin is used to organize your life, not screw it up.

Oh how we loved the Franklin planner back in the day.
Thanks for letting me post, even though I'm no longer qualified for this blog. :)

Warning: This is a RANT! (Marnie)

2009-03-24T22:28:00.004-06:00

Dating -
Yeah, who made that up?? I realize it was "courting" for centuries, but when did it change? And when it DID change, who made up all the rules and regulations for current art of "dating?"

And WHY - in the name of my unborn children - didn't anybody teach me how to date???? I suppose it was supposed to be done by my older siblings. But my older brothers were ABSOLUTELY no help. They were more afraid of the opposite sex then I was of boys! Should I have asked my mom? Who does that when they are a kid?

I guess my girlfriends should have tuned me in - but I only had one best friend and she didn't date either. And when I got to college, I felt too embarrassed to ask my new friends.

And how come the Young Women's program didn't talk about it? Sure - there was the instruction on chastity. But they never said, "when a boy calls you up and you don't want to go out with him, say this. Or when you DO like a boy and he DOESN'T ask you out, do this. And whatever you do in this situation, DON'T do this!" That would have been helpful!

Most of my dating examples came from the Love Boat and the Brady Bunch. THAT wasn't good. Although I did know that the boy was always to meet the parents when they came to the door to pick you up. Marcia was good about that. Oh, and that coming over to someone's cabin for a "night cap" meant having sex. No really - I thought "night cap" was code for sleeping with someone. See how this wasn't good?

I also got some insight from movies I watched as a teenager, like: Some Kind of Wonderful, Say Anything, Pretty In Pink, Breakfast. All unrealistic and completely useless in the real world of dating. And actually those movies scared me to death! Really, it's no wonder I haven't had any success in relationships until now. I guess I should be blaming John Hughes.

When I was about 29, I got the book, "Dating for Dummies" in a white elephant exchange. Everybody laughed when I got it, but I was secretly pleased and anxious to read it. It made sense and it did help to a point. But then I didn't date anyone for at least a year...I probably forgot it all. I started reading other dating books several years ago after breaking up with The One. It seemed like I was doing something completely wrong because it ended poorly and I really hoped that those books would be the answer to improving my skills. And I'll admit, I have learned quite a bit that was so foreign to me before.

I have also learned some things on my own from practical experience. Nobody is better at a blind date than me! I've had more than my share of practice. But when it comes to going out with a guy I've just met or an acquaintance, I seem to get all confused as to how that works and things get messed up. And when it's trying to take a casual dating relationship into something more - watch out: I crash and burn at that! You can see the flames from miles away. It's really tragic.

I realize I'm blaming the past for my current troubles, which is a complete waste of time. Only I can change the future. But honestly, I wish I had some kind of heads up on how to understand, how to relate and how to respond to the male gender when I was much younger. I'm positive if I had, I would have been more successful, found out my issues faster and would be currently happily married with 4.5 kids.

Well, I HOPE happily married...

Stupid dating. I hate it.

Dreams (Leah)

2009-03-22T10:43:00.000-06:00

“I finally understood what it meant to lose yourself, and I'm not talking about surrendering to the joys of motherhood and all that jazz. I'm talking about forgetting who you are or who you ever wanted to be, realizing that who you wanted to be would be an impossibility, a joke in your personal repertoire. To lose yourself meant the very real possibility that at the next holiday party you go to, you will become invisible once people find out that you don't "do" anything. You're just a mom.”

I read this on a young mother’s blog this morning. When I got to the line about “forgetting who you are or who you ever wanted to be, realizing that you who you wanted to be would be an impossibility” I was totally struck by my own voices in my head in relation to the lost dreams of being a mother. Who I always wanted to be was a young mom with a ton of kids. I never wanted to be some great public school teacher. I never wanted to be the secret blogger about being single and in my thirties. In fact, truth be told, I always dreamed of being married by 20 or so, living in a basement apartment cooking beans for dinner while the husband finished his graduate degree. I liked to imagine that I’d help him type and proof his thesis (my mother did that for dad) and we would both feel the victory of his academic accomplishments. We’d continue to struggle as we had one kid after another while he worked his way up to a respectable sort of job and we’d celebrate when we were able to finally buy a car that wasn’t a total junker. Yep, those were my dreams. They’re gone now. If/when I do marry the basement apartment will never happen – something about owning a nice house of my own dashed that dream. Please don’t get me wrong – I totally value my life’s experiences and wouldn’t trade them – I love all that I’ve learned and the fabulous people who I’ve encountered in my life as a single woman – but it does require that I put aside childish dreams. A “joke” as the blogger said. Not a painful one, just the inside variety that make you go “hmm.”

It just goes to show that dreams really are just dreams – good for formulating goals and giving a bit of color and excitement to the present, but like the kind that happen when you’re asleep – when they’re over, it’s best to look at reality and get living.

50 Dates to a Mate! (Marnie)

2009-03-09T21:26:00.003-06:00

Remember when I blogged about every date being a learning experience? Well, I’ve come up with something else that makes any date – no matter how painful or embarrassing – all worthwhile for me! It’s called, “50 Dates to a Mate.”

I’m a list kind of gal. I love checking things off. It makes me feel like my hard work is worth it in anything I do and I get a lot of satisfaction when I complete a list. A while I go, after I had several bad dates, I decided I would give myself credit for going out on them and “enduring to the end” of the date. I made up a chart with 50 boxes – numbering them from 1 to 50. And for each date I go on, I fill in the name of the guy I went out with.

The goal for me is to go out with 50 different guys. I read a book called, If I’m So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single by Susan Page and it talked specifically about how statistically speaking, the more a person dates, the better chance they will find the right person to fall in love with and marry. And let’s face it, most dates aren’t that fun – setups can be downright, tragically WRONG. But, if I can just remember to make it a learning experience AND a check on my chart, it’s much easier for me to take the risk and go out with a guy that may not normally qualify as the man of my dreams. Because ONE of these times, it’s GOING to be the right guy! It’s all a matter of getting through those 50 dates!

The rules for myself was that I couldn’t count a date if I wasn’t sure if I was asked out because in my painful, past experience (referring back to my relationship with “Rebound”) - if you aren’t sure you are on a date, then you’re not. (I went on about 6 “hangout dates” with him that never meant a thing to him much to my embarrassment.) I also couldn’t count a guy more than once. And I couldn’t count it as a date if I asked them out. I only started really trying to date about a year ago, so I allowed myself to count some past dates as well so I would have a good running start – because for a girl like me 50 is A LOT!

Once I made this goal for myself, I had to figure out how to get more men to ask me out – because the truth is, the ball is in their court to ask us out. So I decided to change some expectations and to go out with guys maybe I had already realized wasn’t going to end up in a relationship. That doesn’t mean I’ve gone out with creepy or mean guys, but it means I try to keep an open mind and go out with someone that may not be the perfect choice for me. For me, it’s about building some skills and trying to learn to get along and communicate with guys. And it’s a true known fact (because it happened to me once), that a girl that dates – even if it’s a lot of first dates – shows more confidence around guys and somehow becomes more attractive to the opposite sex and - as a result - gets asked out more. It’s a really strange phenomenon.

Also to help out my situation, I found some good flirting tips from Alisa Goodwin Snell’s book, Dating Game Secrets for Marrying a Good Man. I’ve tried not only smiling more and making myself look more approachable, but I also try to compliment them once during the conversation or touch their arm once while talking to them to show my interest. I made a real effort with ALL guys instead of just the ones I liked or was interested in. When I did that with any guy I met or talked to at a party, it was much easier later to talk to the guys I was really interested in. I try to make the few moments (and that's the key too!) with me good and positive. As I have done this, I have had success and am asked out more than I ever have. It hasn’t always been with whom I’ve wanted – but like I’ve decided, no date is a waste!

Now I might be wrong and at the end of 50 dates and I may still be single. But I’m pretty sure if I put all my effort into it and try as hard at that as I do with anything else in my life, I will be that much closer to my ultimate goal of marriage. (Maybe at date 65!?!?) And the experience will at least help me learn some important new skills in relating to that very intriguing, sometimes annoying, always surprising and downright confusing, opposite sex.

Jack Fm,just what the Dr ordered(Bridget)

2009-03-07T12:23:00.003-07:00

I took my Sunday drive on Saturday this weekend. The morning after a date with my old flame. The evening produced some emotional residue, some positive,some negative. This morning when the emotions were still running high,I was driving and assessing what had happened the night before and taking inventory, as it were. Take the Long Way Home by Supertramp came on the radio. And I thought of how appropriate that song is to describe much of my life. Taking the long way home. I thought about how the Gospel gives us a road map to follow, that if followed, offers a straight line to happiness and more importantly,joy. I thought about how much of my behavior and patterns with the men I fall for, and the decisions that I make help design a road back home with extra pitfalls and turns down dead ends. Things I know in my heart have been pushed away numerous times and sometimes forgotten because I'm tired of the fight, or the belief that it is really valid for me is waning. I've covered a lot of ground in my 37 years. A lot of ground that has taught me that even though my way home is long, the pitfalls are part of my individual road. If they weren't necessary, I wouldn't continue with them. There's some sort of scenery on those dead ends that may be still necessary to teach me that the paved straight road is better..and simpler...that without the pitfalls I wouldn't be able to recognize how safe and sound the straight road is. Apparently for me it takes a lot of dead ends to offer me the lesson. Overall,life is good. The Lord loves us and is aware of us fully, in the pitfalls and on the road.

Speed Dating - the Next Generation (Leah)

2009-03-04T10:01:00.000-07:00

I have a student with less than the perfect set of social skills – he’s in high school, though, for crying out loud! Anyway, he came into class today excited to show me a flier he’d picked up at the local library. It was for a workshop on dating. It advertised a panel of experts. He misread that part, though, and thought it was going to be one of those speed dating things. What surprised me was that he even had the concept in his head of speed dating and was excited to try it! I thought speed dating was for desperate people over 35! Now a fifteen year old needs to resort to it? He then proceeded to tell me how every girl just sees him as a friend. He wants to get past “friends” and actually have a girlfriend. I advised him to ask those girls for advice. Apparently they just tell him he needs to change his face. It’s too bad girls can be so immature and hurtful. He did say they advised him on what to wear and he was apparently dressed on the spiffy side today. I advised him to talk less and ask girls questions about themselves. I felt like I was spitting in the wind. (That’s a real expression, I think that means doing something useless – anyone know?) Anyway, I’m hoping for the best for him. He may not be the tallest or smartest or suavest guy in the bunch – but if he’s really nice and attentive I think he’ll be successful someday in the world of dating. Someday. I will choose to be hopeful anyway!

Perspective (Leah)

2009-03-02T10:00:00.002-07:00

I’ve really wanted to post something on here, but sometimes life gets so busy being lived it’s hard to find time to do much reflection. Or, as may be the case right now, sometimes the living and reflecting of life just gets so serious that it’s hard to find reflections fitting to share with the masses. This weekend, though, I had a lot of good bonding time with solid girl friends that helped bring some clarity to my thinking. Perspective seemed to be a running theme. Then this morning I was reading an email my brother sent to the family and I noticed a part of it could relate to my ideas of perspective. First let me share what he wrote. I’ll preface this to say he is a first year teacher. He has said that this is the hardest job he’s ever had. The teachers out there may enjoy his thoughts in relation to the profession; I did.

“I used my day off to outline some more chemistry. By the end of this year I will have essentially my own mini high school chemistry textbook. I’ve gotten less creative as the pressure of time has blown the petals off my week. Creativity is a time intensive product, which demands concentration and a lot of patience. ‘Patience is a virtue, catch it if you can. Seldom in a woman, never in a man.’ I’ve also started making mini-lectures online to accompany my mini-textbook. The problem is I don’t have all the necessary equipment to do the job that I want to do, so I have to settle for mediocrity and pray to Salieri for forgiveness (a reference for those who’ve seen Amadeus). I post my lectures on you-tube and use it as another tool to convince my students that it is their own fault that they are failing my class. I never realized how guilt-inducing a student’s failure is on a teacher. I’m trying everything I can to shake my clothes in front of them and not be lazy in my responsibility to teach. Nevertheless, the guilt still haunts me and I try to think of ways to reach them and motivate them. Pom-poms anyone?

“School starts tomorrow and it is a long stretch before our next break. I hope I can maintain the necessary patience to withstand the hurricane storm of complaints that my students launch at me daily. I’ve decided that they are going to have to write them down. My skin is too thin and my conscience too weak to stand up against the daily barrage of whining. It’s tiresome enough to teach and to think of creative ways of connecting the material with their life let alone to swallow the excuses that pile up at your feet. Every student must take chemistry to graduate. What percentage of students would you imagine are grateful to be struggling to learn chemistry? A new rule will be written on the board tomorrow, ‘All complaints and excuses will have to be written for them to be considered.’ Perhaps I will start a blog for that, for my students to post their complaints. I can respond to them at home, at a distance.”

So… how does this relate to a dating blog? I’ll tell you. I find that a lot of my peers and I complain. We complain about the clueless members of the opposite sex, married people, society that makes us feel second rate, pain of rejection, bad blind dates, petty and manipulative women, creepy old men, bitter old-maids, and judgmental twenty-somethings, whatever we can find we complain. Don’t get me wrong – the world is full of complainers – not just single people. I KNOW we’re not an exception in that regard. I just know what I hear and I hear complaining. One friend says she is concerned because she feels like a lot of people wind up cursing God in their frustration. Whatever it looks like or sounds like I think it’s easy to fall in the trap of self pity and negativity. When I read my brother’s woes it occurred to me that we’re all a bunch of “chemistry students” in the school of life. We’ve been required to take a class we really don’t enjoy. Instead of complaining about it and making our “teacher” miserable maybe we should all just suck it up and try to learn something.

Actually, that sounds a lot harsher than I intended. When I first decided to share my brother’s words I wanted to share the fact that I think God has probably bent over backwards trying to help us understand. He’s provided endless resources for us to find solutions to our problems. He is available at all times to answer our questions and He’s even paid the ultimate price to enable us to repent and progress despite our weaknesses and short comings. But like my brother’s students I think we are quicker to complain than we are to take advantage of God’s help. Maybe my brother needs to create a gratitude blog, instead of one for complaining, since after all, gratitude brings more happiness than complaining.

It's all about Drew (Marnie)

2009-02-26T22:36:00.005-07:00

The other night I was flipping through the channels and saw Drew Barrymore being interviewed by Jay Leno. I don't know about you, but I've always liked her. She's had a crazy life...her parents didn't look out for her and she got into drugs, alcohol, and the party life - even entered rehab - all before she was 13. She's also had her share of many relationships - multiple marriages and engagements that ended. But I've always liked her. One thing I've admired about her is that she has always had a positive attitude - no matter what experience she had just gone through. This girl could have become even more crazy and whacked out because of her terrible upbringing and even from her genes. (She comes from a long line of alcoholics.) But she cleaned up her life by 15 and has maintained an upbeat and hopeful outlook. She's always talking about being happy and finding the good in everyone. That's really impressive for someone who has lived the darker side of Hollywood.

I was once again reminded about her positive attitude when Jay asked her a question about her being single. She had the best answer I've ever heard. It went something like, "Yes, I've been single 9 months. And I love being single right now! What a great opportunity! I can focus on my work and on my friends. And really, the prospect of a new love is exciting! It could be right around the corner! How romantic!"

Those words really humbled me. Why can't I have that kind of excitement about my single status? Why when someone asks me if I'm dating someone I get defensive and start trying to prove I'm working on finding a mate? And it is so true what Drew said - love CAN be right around the corner - and it often is. Especially if you are in a good place and generally happy. There have been several times in the last couple of years where I've had a good attitude about my single life and had hope and faith that a relationship was just up ahead. And I was right! And I don't believe that's a coincidence. And even though those relationships didn't end up in marriage - ok, not even close - all of them have ended up being a significant experience with someone - and I have some great memories and learned some important things from each of them.

I think because we talk so much about eternal marriage, we think that we are always failing if our relationships don't end in a trip to the temple. But dating and relationships is about finding the right person to take us to the temple. So really we aren't failing; we are separating the wheat from the chaff! And that goes for when the guy breaks up with us. Because if they don't appreciate us or want to make the effort to commit, they are DEFINITELY considered chaff and not right for us!

(Of course, trying to keep that in mind is easier said than done - especially if you fell in love with that chaff...)

My good friend - who is now married - always had the best philosophy about dating and relationships. She believed that relationships were meant to teach us things and that they were necessary and important BEFORE we get to the right guy we marry. Too often I go on a date thinking, "can I marry him?" instead of, "do I want to spend the next date with him?" or "What can I learn from this guy?" And each of those relationships I have had taught me TONS of things I needed to know and helped me with the next one. I think having my friend's outlook on relationships and dating can really help when that relationship does end and disappointment sets in. Because it's no longer a failure, it's a learning experience. And as another good friend told me: Life is a laboratory. There is no failing - just a lot of experimenting!

Bouncing back from a disappointment or even keeping a good attitude after a long spell of no dating is the hardest part. But it's so necessary if you are going to get to the next relationship. You have to keep hope alive and believe that there is someone else out there that will really appreciate you and want to spend time with you - even if it's for a little while.

It's all about getting that hope back. If you have just an inkling of hope, it can grow! Especially if you nurture it with positive feelings, hard work (usually means going to singles activities and flirting), and a whole lot of faith and prayers. And as that hope grows, you really can't help in feeling those positive vibes and feeling happier about life and your current single status. And then those positive vibes will be returned back to you - sometimes in the form of a really good date - and even a relationship.

So I really think Drew Barrymore has a good thing going! And I plan on responding the same way next time someone asks me if I'm single.

You know, I never thought I'd say it (because really, she married Tom Green!), but from now on I'm going to try to be more like Drew!

I apologize to the men in my dating pool (marnie)

2009-02-18T13:48:00.001-07:00

Ok, so I’m feeling a little guilty about something I said in my last blog. I compared my dating pool to a bushel of overripe apples. Yeah, its not the meanest thing I’ve compared men to, but it isn’t a good one. Nor is it respectful.

I used to have a very dim view of the opposite sex for a time (ok, all through my 20s). They could never do anything right! And if one male misbehaved, I slammed them all. And I did this in my every day conversation. Yeah, you wonder why I didn’t get married before I was 30, huh??

Well, I’m a reformed slammer of men. I don’t think pointing out the faults of a group of people have ever built bridges to understanding that group of people. It’s better to take the positive and focus on it. I know one of the things I desire most from people is understanding and compassion. And I know I have some really shallow points about myself that I’m sure some other people don’t like. But I would much rather them focus on my really good points that I’m proud to have worked on and actually achieved. So shouldn’t I also give that much courtesy to others?

And the truth is, I have met and dated some wonderful guys! Wonderful guys that have been in my same social status predicament. And if I truly have changed, I shouldn’t be comparing these guys to rotten apples. That’s just rude!

A girlfriend of mine was telling me about her boyfriend and some of the things he’s done for her as they’ve become closer in their relationship. She has a hard time believing he really digs her a lot and it’s hard for her to see when he is sacrificing and making her priority. But because I’m an outsider, I can see it as clear as day! What a great guy! Not perfect, but he tries so hard to do what’s best for both of them. It’s good to see a man committed to putting his girlfriend first and trying to work as a team as they figure out their social agendas (both family obligations as well as their own wants and needs). He is an outstanding man that really is a good representative of how many good men that are out there.

Yeah, I know. They screw up. They come off as selfish brats sometimes. But they also come through, too! And I know that as I’ve focused on their good points (harder to do when you’ve recently been rejected, mind you), I’ve found I’m happier and more upbeat about the future. And I’ve dated a whole lot more. Sure, some of those dates haven’t been my favorite, but it’s nice to be wanted enough for them to take me out!

So, I apologize to all the men in my dating pool! I think you are tremendous! And even though some of you don’t prefer my company, that’s ok too!

As that primary song goes, “Kindness begins with me….” - I pledge to keep seeking out the good in the men I know and even point out the good things I see they do when I have the opportunity. Not only will it help me keep positive but it will reinforce those behaviors that often go overlooked and unrecognized. It will also help me identify the kind of man I’m looking for to date and eventually marry. And that’s a win-win situation.

To Celebrate or Not to Celebrate (Leah)

2009-02-14T14:28:00.002-07:00

I wanted to post something I’ve been thinking about but I don’t want to be “negative.” We’ll see how it goes. This week one of my single guy friends sent an article to me about Valentine’s. It basically stated that it’s a retailers’ holiday and should be boycotted for the sake of true love. Bob full heartedly agreed with the article. I’m one to shun “the establishment” and I too hate to think I’m being “sold” anything so normally I’d be agreeing with him. Well, maybe it’s because I’m happily connecting with Phil these days, but I found myself disagreeing. (Maybe if I’d read the article during a between-Phils stage I’d have agreed with it.) Anyway, because this anti-vday article got me thinking about how men (Bob is a guy and the author of the article is a guy) view the holiday I began noticing how other men I know (married friends, co-workers, etc) view the holiday. And I was surprised and a bit sad to see plenty of v-day haters. I get the impression that they don’t like it because they feel manipulated. Nobody likes to be manipulated. I think in the world of expressing emotion there can be a lot of undue pressure put on men to express things they may feel, but would rather not express on command or in a rote way. It DOES seem that society has trained us to think that the only acceptable form of expressing affection is in the form of candy and flowers. Well, with all this thinking I decided that if a man really wants to buck the system and be independent and non-manipulated by the retail industry he can find plenty of alternative ways for expressing his emotion. As for the date he does it – I say it never hurts to have an excuse to show some love. It’s like ward temple day – sure you can go when you want, but it’s sort of nice to have a set date to do it in case you tend to forget and there’s something communal and good natured about doing it with others. Celebrate!

maybe if more men recited poetry (marcia)

2009-02-13T06:20:00.002-07:00

With Valentines Day coming up, I thought I'd share my new favorite poem that Clue recited to me when we were just starting to get serious. It totally worked.

The Bread and the Knife by Billy Collins

You are the bread and the knife,
the crystal goblet and the wine.
You are the dew on the morning grass
and the burning wheel of the sun.
You are the white apron of the baker,
and the marsh birds suddenly in flight.

However, you are not the wind in the orchard,
the plums on the counter, or the house of cards.
And you are certainly not the pine-scented air.
There is just no way that you are the pine-scented air.

It is possible that you are the fish under the bridge,
maybe even the pigeon on the general's head,
but you are not even close to being the field of cornflowers at dusk.

And a quick look in the mirror will show
that you are neither the boots in the corner
nor the boat asleep in its boathouse.

It might interest you to know,
speaking of the plentiful imagery of the world,
that I am the sound of rain on the roof.
I also happen to be the shooting star,
the evening paper blowing down an alley
and the basket of chestnuts on the kitchen table.

I am also the moon in the trees
and the blind woman's tea cup.

But don't worry,
I'm not the bread and the knife.

You are still the bread and the knife.
You will always be the bread and the knife,
not to mention the crystal goblet and--somehow--the wine.

Happy Valentines Day!

Persistence and Patience (Marnie)

2009-02-12T00:39:00.001-07:00

I’ve just finished reading, If I’m so Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single? By Susan Page. She has a lot of insightful information in that book! Some of it really hit home and I’ll go into some of the issues I identified with in later posts. But one of the principles she talked about is Persistence and Patience. She says the key to getting married is really to keep dating and not give up. Don’t burn yourself out, but just keep trying and trying. Well, easier said than done!

These last few months have been about me working on my mantra and actually living it. The gist of it is that I believe I can meet some great “potentials” and date them. That means not only repeating this mantra several times each day, but living it. I’ve gone beyond my normal comfort zone of attending parties (several on New Years eve alone!!) and functions where I can meet the kind of guys I want to date. I’ve flirted, done the security guard stare, and tried to be as open an approachable as possible. It’s a lot of work and I’ve had my moments of awkwardness and disappointment. But I have had some success. I even went out with a couple of guys – even one that I really thought there was a real possibility.

But unfortunately, it didn’t turn out that way. It’s sad because I really thought there could be something there.

I kinda feel like I’ve been through a bushel of overripe apples – studied, examined and found the best apple that looked the tastiest out of all of them, took a bite and realized it had lost all of it’s flavor. It was such a promising apple!! And now after a whole bushel, not one apple that fits my needs. I feel so deflated from the last apple that I can’t help be think discouraging thoughts such as, “really? This is the best there is out there?” Or, “What are the chances that I find a guy that has what I’m looking for AND is emotionally ready for a long-term commitment? Or even wants me back?? Is that even possible???”

It seems so futile. And I just want to throw my hands up in the air and walk away because the emotional investment and risk taking to just meet guys and try to encourage them to ask you out leaves you in all sorts of vulnerable positions and completely drained. Who wants to do THAT again? Especially when the options can look so bleak at times.

Well, I’m not into self-pitying for too long. I believe this book. Not because it has some magic answer but that it speaks truth. Statistically speaking, the more you get yourself out there and take risks, the sooner you will stumble into the right guy that is ready for something real and meaningful (aka marriage).

So until I find some new good possibilities and find who I’m looking for I’m going to keep repeating over in my head, “persistence and patience, persistence and patience, persistence and patience, persistence and patience, persistence and patience, persistence and patience, persistence and patience, persistence and patience.”

Hey, I may even cross-stitch it!!

Love Languages (Leah)

2009-02-09T14:52:00.000-07:00

I just tried writing something for work. It got lost in a careless computer button pushing error. I tried to rewrite it and came up dry. So, instead, I’ll try to post something on the blog!
I’ve recently been discussing the challenges of dating with a friend whose boyfriend hates gift giving and thus hates holidays. As a gift giver herself, she’s extremely sad about this upcoming weekend. In fact, I bet she’s convinced her relationship won’t last past Saturday. I can’t blame her. Every time I try to think of “tomorrow” I can easily scare myself. I keep focusing just on today. In her case, though, it seems like some serious consideration of the love languages is called for.
Have we all read it? I think it’s been around for awhile. I read it years ago – three or four Phils ago, actually. It’s taken me awhile to figure out my love languages. I’m pretty sure mine is quality time. I love it when a friend calls or visits and just spends time catching up hearing all my woes. I am also big of physical touch, but I’ve learned the hard way over the years that touch doesn’t always equal love like I thought it did. Gift giving, my friend’s love language, is not spoken by her boyfriend, thus giving her a bit of a challenge in truly expressing her love, or feeling loved. Gifts make me happy, but only when it seems like a gift that took time and attention, and the love is felt in the exchanging of gifts. Words of affirmation may be a big one for me. All I know is that in the years I’ve been dating I rarely hear them – I wonder if it’s just not a guy thing. When Phil expresses himself in words, like that, though, I feel like I’m flying. I know that all love languages speak to us, but if you have a primary one that your significant other is not especially talented in expressing then you need to be aware that it’s time for you to learn a foreign language. I really do believe the languages can be learned – both in giving and receiving. Wouldn’t true love be shown if I managed to express love in a way that means a lot to Phil, even if it doesn’t come terribly naturally for me? Now if I can only figure out with more confidence what his love language is. I guess I better ask more questions – do some finding out!

Caution: Dating Causes Humility - and Sometimes Humiliation (Marnie)

2009-02-04T22:01:00.001-07:00

So all those non-dating years from 16 to 30 really has left me miles away from being properly experienced for dating. I'm sure everyone has had their learning experiences about what is kosher on a date and what is totally taboo. I've watched lots of chick flicks trying to make up from a huge lack of personal experience, but sometimes I just choke!

Like for instance, the guy I've been waiting to ask me out for months caught me off guard when he called me and asked me out. He asked me for a night I couldn't go. Instead of doing the appropriate, "Oh, I'm not available Friday night, how about Saturday night?" all I could do was ramble about how I had to go to a stupid function and how I wished I didn't. I knew after the conversation that he would think I was just being polite and trying to let him down easy. It was so sad that I didn't have enough experience (or brain cells) to spit out what I SHOULD of said to give him the proper vibes to encourage him of my interest. I CHOKED.

I knew he wouldn't ask me out again (call it intuition or revelation, whichever), so I took a chance and asked him out to something I needed a date for awhile later. Luckily he said yes. I was having such a relaxed, good time with him that night that I started forgetting I was on a first date - which can be dangerous.

Now the dating books say that on a first date you are supposed to be on your best behavior, try to watch what you say and not be offensive. On a first date, a lot rests on first impressions when it comes to getting that second date. Did I remember that? No! I just kept spewing - talking off the cuff and not really thinking about what I was saying. (I couldn't help it!! he was really easy to talk to!)

Then I heard a huge generality coming from my mouth, "Yeah, I never want to be rich. Rich people are snobs and their children are spoiled rotten and become menaces to society" and so forth. At one point he said, looking rather serious, "how much does a person have to make before you consider them rich?" Because I don't know this guy all that well, I knew I had gone into dangerous territory - what if his family WAS rich and I just offended him and his family? Maybe he was rich!! WHY WAS I STILL TALKING ABOUT THIS???

This is of course not the first time I've made a fool out of myself or learned the hard way about the rules of etiquette on dates or to put it bluntly - what turns a guy off...there really are too many to bring up.

But stuff like this reminds me why I've avoided dating for some many years - so many opportunities to look silly or say something embarrassing. Now that I'm in a time in my life that I am dating and practicing a fair amount, it still brings me down that I still have so far to go before I'm not making silly blunders like this. UGH! What I wouldn't do for rewind buttons on dates!!

Before you think I feel too sorry for myself, I know this goes both ways and guys have their humiliating moments. I've witnessed behavior by dates that I know they wished they could have a "do-over" (like we used to get as kids when playing kick ball).

I went out with one guy who had a cow because I beat him at a card game and INSISTED on a rematch instead of just going to the next activity. When he did beat me he rubbed it in my face like he had done something great. He later mentioned that he felt bad for acting like that.

And then there was the guy that went ON and ON about his stomach and bowel problems. That wasn't fun to hear - and I didn't ask.

Then there was the guy that talked the WHOLE night about his ex-wife and how mean she was. And then to top it off he bragged about how he got kicked off a dating website for "inappropriate" behavior - three times!

I'm sure all of them thought later that maybe they shouldn't have said what they said during the night. I know I regretted hearing it.

But sometimes it turns out ok in the end. A friend of mine once told me that on her fist date with her husband, he stood up from the table at a restaurant and acted like a monkey - literally. She later asked him why he did it. He admitted that he was just trying to impress her and that's what came to his mind to do right then. He regretted it.

It worked out in the end for them - because they got married - and I guess if there is really "something" between two people, it won't matter in those silly embarrassing moments. But still...how many times have I made a snap judgment on a guy by one thing he said? He is trying to impress me as much as I'm trying to impress him! Maybe I should be giving more "do-overs" myself. I know that's what I would want.

So, that cute guy that I went out with and hoped he would call to ask me out again? Yep...didn't call. Here's hoping it wasn't the "rich" comment and instead he left town for the weekend! Maybe next week he'll call???

Ah! Humility...What a glorious thing! (insert sarcasm here)

The question of the week: what's the most embarrassing thing you've done or said on a date?

What I learned from Adam Walsh (Leah)

2009-01-29T09:27:00.000-07:00

So much in my head – constantly thinking I should blog, but then I don’t get around to it and I feel guilty. Guilt is useless. ’m going to come up with something now. Today my students and I were discussing competition, in particular among friends. Is it good? Is it okay to compete against friends? Can a good friendship survive the most difficult situations? Well, it just so happens I was talking to a friend last night about the recent news in the Adam Walsh case. I remember as a young child watching the “made for TV movie” about his disappearance. What I remember most from that story is that his disappearance led to troubles in his parents’ marriage. In my memory they wound up divorced, but I think in the news recently I noticed they were married, so who knows where I got that idea. But the point is, when I was young I took note of an important lesson from his disappearance. I learned that when really difficult situations arise, marriages often can’t survive. The individuals turn so inward toward their own grief and suffering that they fail to support each other and think of those who are still living. It’s true that what happened to them was horrible and hard, but that was the time to really rely on each other and look for ways to comfort and sustain the other – not turn inward. Easy for me to say, I guess. But a few years ago when I was experiencing some of my own very trying grief I was also in the middle of a long distance relationship that I felt was taking a lot of time and attention. When I complained to him of how hard it was for me to worry about “us” while also coping with my own personal trial he suggested we break things off. I responded quickly with a “no way” – I had seen the story of Adam Walsh and I knew that when things get tough then that’s when you stick together. That’s when you just try harder to be there for each other. I was just asking him to do more since I was feeling so emotionally drained. A month later he broke it off. He said he wasn’t feeling right about it – I can totally respect that decision, but at the time I wondered if my personal challenge precipitated his lack of feeling. It was long distance – I think it’s hard for a man to feel like he’s really helping emotionally when he’s physically so far away. It was an amicable break up – my trial had passed by that time (nearly) and I was able to move on. Still, I won’t forget the important lesson I learned from Adam Walsh. He taught me how relationships can (and must) survive the most difficult situations. And I guess a question for another day is how do you deal with personal suffering without dragging others down with you? Maybe I know the answer but I think I need to constantly ponder it.

Coming Out(Bridget)

2009-01-21T22:13:00.004-07:00

Kris was the one that invited me to be on this blog, and I am thankful she did, I would have never thought about it...so thank you Kris. I have decided to start my own blog...head out on my own...not as Bridget, but as Jen, who I really am. Please visit me at musingsofamormongirl.blogspot.com.
Thank you Marcia,Leah,Marnie,Scully and Lorelai for being great blog pals and for all of your insight and support.

Falling off the Planet (Lorelai)

2009-01-21T16:09:00.001-07:00

I just realized how easy and refreshing it is to fall off the planet and how terribly difficult it is to recover. Just yesterday it was Thanksgiving, a minute ago it was Christmas, this very nanosecond January is passing me by. I took ten days off from Christmas to New Years and it was wonderful. I had so much fun playing with DK, making crafts, cleaning the house and reading several books that have been on my list. While I was away I did not get on the Internet once, not once. I limited my TV time to sharing time with my son and I did not even attempt to learn all the fun things my new cell phone will do. But now that I am back I am playing major catch up. It is astonishing how much things can pile up in the technological world. Seriously, I thought technology was supposed to make life less complicated!

To me excess is sometimes the hardest thing to control in this life. I mean the excess of good possibilities. There are so many options. The good, better, best kind (as Elder Oaks would say). In my recovery process I decided to continue to limit Internet and TV time at my home (although I have spent far too many minutes playing with my new phone) and concentrate on the better things. I hope that I can get to the point where I can choose only the best things.

I am not exactly sure how this relates to dating other than I find it difficult to make the time. There are so many choices of what I can do with my time that making time for dating has been difficult. My alternate choices are not bad choices so it makes it easier to choose not to put myself out there. But just as I was able to recover from becoming a hermit for ten glorious days I know I can recover from avoiding dating opportunities.

Expectations (Leah)

2009-01-18T10:51:00.001-07:00

Sometimes you start out a relationship with a person because he SEEMs to be a pretty good option. From what little you know of him there’s no reason not to get to know him better. As you do get to know him you are impressed with little things. Stuff comes up, though, that makes you wonder and ask yourself what it could mean for the future. Thinking about the future is inevitable – the next day, the next date, the next week, then next month, the next year – you can’t help but ask yourself how your relationship with this person is going to affect your future. I know some of the debates I’ve had relate to my fears about the relationship NOT working out as much as my fears of it working out. I worry about the pain and awkwardness of trying to “just be friends.” Lately, though, I’ve tried really hard to not worry about any of it. I’ve focused a lot more on just the moment and being present in the moment. One of the things I’ve discovered is that the moment I’m in is ALWAYS better than anything I’d have anticipated. Of course I’ve fallen back on old habits of expecting and anticipating something exciting and fun, but when that moment comes I’m a bit disappointed because it never matches my expectations. So I’m again reminded to just live in the moment and be grateful for what happens as it goes. I just have to share that New Phil continually surprises me, as each moment with him brings new joy that I never expected. Dating him has been a real blessing in my life.

Congratulations Kris!! (marcia)

2009-01-16T08:46:00.002-07:00

Congratulations to Kris who marries Grant today!!

Kris is the founder of this blog - she wanted to do something that would help her reach her goal of getting married. I'd say she met her goal!

I always say that it's a miracle when two people find each other - but I also believe that miracles happen everyday!

Best of luck and much happiness to you both!!

Marcia

Roles

2009-01-07T09:52:00.000-07:00

I recently was reminded of the basic needs of men and women. Men need to feel important and needed (but don’t we all?) and women need to feel protected and cared for (but don’t we all?). So my question, or maybe my comment, is that if these are our basic needs why do we tend to be so independent and insecure all at the same time? I think it must have a lot to do with our subtle behaviors in a relationship. I used to think I didn’t care if a man got my door for me or not. But in the last few years I’ve realized how much I like it when a man gets my door for me, even the car door after arriving at the destination. I like to just sit there and slowly gather my things and wait expectantly for him to get my door – it gives me a little bit the feeling of being a princess. In fact when I get out of the car I find myself trying to do so more gracefully – like a princess I guess. I should point out, though, that when it’s a guy I don’t like and I don’t feel like he knows or respects me then it really bugs. I think the feeling of being cared for and protected is also why women take so well to cuddling and hand holding – those are actions of tenderness and gentle protection. It occurs to me, though, that a lot of these actions are just symbolic – not really necessary. I guess having gone through evolution we just maintain these sorts of customs because they still evoke the necessary emotion. But like other age old customs, they are sometimes lacking from our culture. I think a lot of women in my age range have a hard time knowing how to make a man feel important and needed when she’s had to develop such independence and self sufficiency. I don’t know if it’s been discussed on here or just in my real life, but it seems that learning one’s “role” as a woman is very important in having a successful romantic relationship. Not necessarily the damsel in distress role, but certainly the feminine nurturing respectful sort of role. Anyway, I’m still working on it. I don’t get a lot of feedback – maybe I should ask for more – so I’m never quite sure if I’m playing my role well or if I look like a child playing dress-up in mother’s shoes. There’s nothing worse than the feeling of trying to be something you’re not and realizing everyone can see through you. So out of fear I often don't even try - but without trying you make no progress. You see what I'm working on?

Stay In New Years (Bridget)

2009-01-01T17:21:00.002-07:00

New Years Eve proves to be one of the most stressful nights to plan in my life. Why do New Years plans seem to symbolize the validity of one's life? I have countless times had the conversation with friends, what are you doing for New Years? It begins there..around December 1st really. I can see the maniacal desire for a perfect fantasy new years relected in my and my girlfriend's eyes. The kind of new years in which there is a fun party where a good friend just happens to have a cousin that you've never met before and looks a whole lot like(insert gorgeous male leading man actor here, mine would be someone like John Cusack or Colin Firth)He is smitten with me/her and after hours of fun flirtation and getting to know eachother, the midnight hour strikes, and that perfect New years kiss happens, symbolizing the beginning of a beautiful relationship. Or there is the fantasy that is in my head that I borrow from When Harry Met Sally, since I have a Harry in my life, and have for years, the fantasy that he shows up at the party I am at and confesses that he can't live without me..again ending in the perfect New years Kiss..symbolizing the beginning of the step towards romance in our long time friendship. Along with the maniacal desire, there is an extraordinary pressure to find something that will live up to all of the hope and excitement we have for the next year.
These days, if there is a great opportunity that presents itself, and it is something that I truly want to do, then I will go out for New Years. It will be a "Go Out" New Years. If there is nothing that presents itself, there will be a "Stay In" New Years, in which there is much reflection and wearing of pajamas. Both have their place. I think with all of the years of self imposed pressure to squeeze all the hope and fun in one night, I now have no desire to "force" New Years, cuz it always turns out below expectations..because really what could live up to such high standards. I have finally learned to spread the desire to have fun and have excitement through out the year...and not only one night...cuz what girl needs that kind of pressure.

Hobbies

2008-12-29T18:33:00.001-07:00

I try not to write about New Phil anymore, but I couldn’t resist. Last night we were talking about what makes each other happy. Well, actually, I was just questioning him. He seems to do a good job of making me happy so I wanted to know what I could do in return. He said he likes talking. Now how lucky am I? I once dated a guy who I must have felt smothered since he suggested I get a hobby. I told him people are my hobby and at the time he was the most interesting person I knew. Okay, maybe he was right, but really I do love people! I think since New Phil and I both love talking we get along pretty well. I call myself pretty lucky. Which reminds me of another story from my past that just cracks me up to this day. It was freshman year at the Y. My roommate was a bit sad that she didn’t date as much as she’d been promised. (Really who made up that stuff? I think I may still be a bit bitter myself!) So her mother advised her to get a hobby, and then suggested origami. I’ve never looked at origami the same. I’d also like to point out that of the six of us she was the first to marry. She never did learn origami either.

Aunt Bridget

2008-12-28T19:07:00.004-07:00

I just got back from Christmas in the white wonderland of Salt Lake City, UT. Aunt Bridget was able to be with her nieces and nephew...oh yeah and her Mom and sisters for the holiday. The funnest thing I can think of is to be with my favorite 7 year,4 year, and 2 month old for Christmas,being with them reminds me how soft my heart is and how capable my heart is of completely surrendering to someone. It is a great thing to be reminded of. Painful too, though, when its time to go home. It is in those moments, when my four year old niece says to me, "..but Aunt Bridget, I'm going to MISS you, can't you just stay with US." And i think about it..and it seems like such a nice idea. To play Duck, Duck Goose, and Memory, and lay in bed together all the time. If life could only be this way forever. As I drove away from their house....being encapsulated by emotions....that I was chosen to be an aunt to these kids makes me feel many things, but above all gratitude. I think in many ways my life has become routine, in the emotions I feel, in the thoughts I think, and the thoughts I rethink. I go to work, go to school, go to church, have fun with friends, volunteer,perform my calling at church.. the feelings seem routine and expected. My visits with them save me with simplicity and the tenderness they offer..so foundational is the love that I feel for these kids, yet I am surprised and affected eact time I am with them, they remind me how fiercely I can love.....and how fiercely I can miss it when I get on a plane and come home to California.

It's All About the Self-Talk (Marnie)

2008-12-23T15:43:00.004-07:00

This Christmas season, I decided to visit some older sisters that I used to be in charge of when I was in my old family ward. I really grew to love and care about them. And they always made me feel better when I visited them.

I baked some goodies and made the deliveries on a Sunday early this December. It was fabulous to see them! They really appreciated the visit and goodies. I knew they would ask about my new ward and social life because that was why I left the family ward - to inject my social life with some new possibilities.

Knowing they would ask about my social life, I had my speech ready. It usually went something like this:

Older sister: So how is the singles ward?
Me: Oh, great! I’m meeting some really wonderful people!
Older sister: You dating anyone? (the older folks always get to the point).
Me: Not right now – I dated a guy for a few months but it didn’t work out (I mention that so they know I’m trying and succeeding in some respects).
Older sister: Oh, that’s too bad. [Silence.]

That’s when I give my current mantra. I don’t want them to worry about me and I don’t want their pity, so in 8 different visits I said, “but January is a new year and I feel good about what’s coming up! Lot’s of new opportunities! And I will find me someone new to date! I can feel it!”

Now at first it was just something I made up. But now, after saying it out loud 8 times, even I believe it! All of them each got excited for me when I said it – instead of giving the pity look – and they all reiterated that I could do it! That really felt empowering!

New Years is around that corner. I hate that holiday too – along with my fellow bloggers – but it’s a new opportunity to work on some skills with meeting people. Yep, I’m going to a big singles dance that most likely will have a great assortment of all sorts of men – the good, the bad and the ugly – hopefully more good than bad. And I am bound and determined to meet lots of people, smile big and give my “security guard” stare when I can.

When I first heard about mantras I thought it was silly, but I don’t believe that anymore. You become what you hear yourself say – especially when you are talking about yourself. If it’s negative, it will affect you negatively. If it’s positive, it will affect you positively! And I think that’s why we’ve been told to have faith and hope by the Almighty. Talking about those things helps us keep positive. And I know for a fact when I am trying hard to be positive, I do better. I’m happier and more appreciative of my life. And I smile more. And when I smile more, I tend to be nicer and friendlier. And that helps my life socially as well as spiritually.

So my challenge to any that dare, try a POSITIVE mantra for a month! Say it three times every morning for a month. Mine is: "I am open to relationships. Good things are up ahead for me and in January 2009, I will meet many good “potentials” and find a great guy to date and have a relationship with."

I’ll let you know how it goes…

Change of Title (Leah)

2008-12-22T15:50:00.001-07:00

Please excuse the title of that last post. Let's call it "How do you spend the holidays?" And really, I think I'd like to know. What's your position? How do you feel this time of year? What have you done to make it more meaningful and memorable?

Holiday Depression (Leah)

2008-12-22T14:54:00.002-07:00

With the holidays here a topic that has come up among some of my single friends is how easy it is to get depressed. I guess since it's a family focused holiday those of us without our own spouse and kids can easily get feeling down. I know some people in my peer group go on trips to warmer climates. Some visit nieces and nephews - it's a way of sharing in the excitement and fun that children can bring to the holiday. I did that one year - loved it. My nephew gave me a picture frame from the dollar store to use with a photo of me and my significant other at the time, oh the faith and hope of children! Instead I put a magazine picture of a couple on their wedding day - I replaced the head on the woman with my head and the man's head is just a blank smiley face. It was part of the "visualizing" I read about in "The Secret." Not a bad idea. I like the picture. I look pretty good in my wedding photo I think. And my nephew's thoughtful gift is put to good use. But that's not what I meant to share in this post. What I wanted to say is that I usually don't get down around Christmas, it's New Year's that tends to make me grumpy. I blame the late hour. And the strained awkwardness of what to do on that night. I've attended my share of dances and parties, family and friends, you name it, I've done it. I probably have even gone to bed at a decent hour! Well, maybe not, but it's not a bad idea. Sometimes I do the whole goal setting thing. Usually I use my birthday to do goals, though. Anyway, compared to Valentine's (another couple holiday) New Year's is by far the worst in my opinion. So to all the single people out there - may you have a wonderful holiday! I suggest getting a good night's rest.

You're never gonna be jello...(Bridget)

2008-12-20T19:34:00.004-07:00

This conversation with Leah and Lorelai reminds me of the movie "Best Friends Wedding" where Julia Robert's character is talking to Cameron Diaz and explaining a similar food analogy. She was comparing preferences of partners with Creme Brule and Jello, if someone likes Jello,is comfortable with Jello, they're not going to want Creme Brule...Cameron's character is Creme Brule in the scenario, and she says desperately " I want to be jello,I can be Jello..." because she wanted so badly to be with the films hero. Julia's character, although wrong about the fact that the hero didn't want creme brule, was right when she said, "You can't be jello, creme brule will never be jello...you're NEVER going to be jello" Have you ever wanted so badly to be jello because that's what a particular guy wants? I have,even though Jello is not my style...i am clearly something spicy,sweet,and creamy..more of a main dish item..such as some sort of a masala..and I have come to realize that at the time's I have wanted to be something anything other than what I am..its because I haven't explored or understood the value and worth of what I am and how vital I am. And perhaps not really sure in my heart that someone is looking for masala and will be overjoyed with masala. Now I love masala...the perfect amounts of cinnamon,ginger,cayenne and cream, thinking about it makes me happy and eating it satiates me...i have to remember that...and when I do..and am sure of how much i love masala..the man who is looking for masala will be there..now enough of comparing myself to food...i perhaps have taken it too far.