Tuesday, February 2, 2010

I Refuse to Act Like a Victim! (Marnie)

Why is it when we females end up liking someone we've gone out with, we suddenly lose all of our senses and scheme away on how we are going to "help" a man (or "trick," whichever you prefer) into wanting to keep us? In the old days, men approached the women and pursued them. It was up to the woman to either accept his advances or not. And when she accepted them, they ended up married within the year. Sounds so easy!

Today, it feels like we are using all our skills to get their attention, they ask us out and then we wait on baited breath to see if they ask us out again. For me it's probably because finding really great guys that actually interest me are hard to come by. So when I do meet one that I click with and I think, man, he could be a real potential, I hold on so tightly that he slips away. At least my past relationships seemed to be that way.

It's like I become the victim because he holds all the cards! He claps, and I dance - metaphorically speaking of course...

Well, no more! I caught myself playing that victim role this last week when I was talking to some girlfriends about a man who I just CAN'T figure out. Is he interested? What are his intentions? On paper we are dating - S L O W L Y - but we are still dating. Unfortunately, his actions don't appear to be more than just casual dating. Well, I have goals! And this year is no different from the last two years. I want to start a relationship and actually have it end up at the temple instead of being "over." And my pondering, contemplating and dissecting what he's doing and trying to figure out what he wants from me is just a waste of my time!

So instead, why don't I analyze our date for what I want instead of what he wants? Instead of trying to figure out what his intentions are, why don't I decide if this guy is really worth it? Sure, he's great! We have a fabulous time and I'm attracted to him. But do I really know him yet? Instead of me trying to impress him with all of my great humor and intelligence, maybe I should be deciphering him. I should be drilling him for questions of things I need to know before I can commit to a man. And if it freaks him out, away he goes! And good riddance.

The female in me hates rejection, but I need to buck up and just be ok with it. Instead of worrying IF he will call, why not worry about if he does call, what new information I'm going to glean from the evening? What do I have to lose? Nothing!

Now I'm not talking about interrogating him under a spotlight, but sometimes I think I worry too much about what they think of me, instead of what I think of them. It's time to work on some communication skills because frankly, I'm terrible at it when it comes to my associations with men. And even though he's a great catch, I have no real control over him falling in love with me. I can be on my very best cute, funny, deep behavior, but if he's not feeling it,"he's just not feeling it." (quote from Mr. Click when he broke up with me). And it really has nothing to do with me. It's just the way it goes.

So no more victim behaviors from me! Instead, I'm going to NOT take all this so personally. I'm going to enjoy myself and just try to make it a productive evening. You can tell a lot from a guy from his answers to specific questions. And I need to stop guessing how he would react to certain questions I'm too scared he'll take in the wrong way, and just ask them. Communication is essential to a long lasting relationship (at least that's what the books say) and if I can't communicate with a guy I'm going out with, he surely isn't the right guy for me.

I know, easier said than done. But if I say it out loud enough and drill it into my head - and let my girlfriends slap me across the face when I start acting like the whiny victim again - I just may be able to pull it off. Instead of thinking I have everything to lose, I'm going to BELIEVE I've got nothing to lose!

I've already said it before, I believe that God will send the right guy at the right time. I might as well be practicing for when he gets here. Who knows, maybe I'll find him sooner than I worry I will.


Conkit said...

Thanks for your articles. Your blog has inspired me to write one of my own. I'm not the greatest writer but I think its therapeutic. Plus, it helps you to reach out to those in similar situations. I think I've been playin the "victim" too. I focus so hard on getting them to look me that I really never stop to ask myself if I really like them. That should really be the first question. You don't have to waste your time passed that. Maybe its my ego. Maybe I can't stand to face rejection so I end up liking the ones that reject me the most in an effort to "change" their mind. If you want to read my stories, here is my blog.
It's about Eternal Dating. Graduation before expiration. I think we all know what that means

Genevra said...

Hi Marnie!

What a great and thoughtful post. I as well really like the line about you realizing that you tried so hard to get them to like you that you didn't ask yourself if you liked them back. Mine was usually the opposite way. They liked me and they were usually decent guys so I went along with it not really asking myself if I liked them in return or if I was dating them, because I was suppose to date and get married. I foolishly thought I would suddenly be romantically interested in them if I gave it enough effort.

When I finally got that realization after years of dating unhappily, it changed my dating life and I finally found myself dating men I wanted to date, and I learned to end a "dating relationship" when I realized that I just wasn't interested romantically at that point.

Believe that you are worth dating a man who is as interested in you as you are in him and who can communicate with you, because he is out there. And you are worthy of it.

Best of luck!

Anonymous said...

I think you're placing too much rigidity on your dates. You're now trying to focus on asking specific questions and deciphering the answers from that rather than just going with the flow. If I notice patterns in questions or feel they are forced into the conversation, I'm gonna make the girls head spin, and do it on purpose. It's not that I don't want to answer the question or that I have anything to hide, I just think it puts too much structure on a date. You might as well have written out the questions and had them videotape themselves answering them.

On a first date I want to hear short stories, toss a little bit of sarcasm back and forth (romantic tension is what I call it), and just generally get a small idea of whether your head is on straight. Nothing specific I want to get out of the way. If I'm intrigued, we will go from there. It's generally not the trend of me not to give a second date a try.

I figure first dates are awkward enough that the second date is where you typically learn the most about your interest in someone. If you feel safe with the person and they are intriguing, step up a notch. You may end up kissing or cuddling and can begin communicating from there.

I guess my point is: dont put so much focus on getting your questions out and getting answers you accept that you miss the entire flow of the date. Until there is some sort of DTR (usually after date 3 or the second time we've kissed), I gauge my interest on intrigue and romantic tension that should be building. If those are present I'm going to continue to up the ante.

Obviously you want to be able to determine creeper status early if present, but other than that, the first few dates are about tension and intrigue.

I'm curious as to what "specific" questions you use to "qualify" men? I would encourage you to just go with the flow and not get hung up in specific questions.

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