Exactly this moment a year ago today, I was probably in the middle of a pathetically sweet conversation with the nicest man I have ever met. Ever. And we were borderline hideous in how adorable we were to each other.
And then a couple of months later, without warning (and trust me--I know how to spot red flags after my sordid past) he broke up with me. The days that followed were pretty dark, yet I felt peace and comfort and was able to carry on without falling apart.
It hasn't always been easy, this past year. I've missed him horribly, and my prayers have run the gamut of the stages of grief: denial, bargaining, anger, sadness...but never quite arriving at acceptance. Because throughout all of my failed relationships, I always want to know WHY. Why not me? Why someone else? I never get an answer to that question. And I'll be honest, I don't want to accept that it's completely over because I want to keep my heart open in case he happens to come back.
A couple of weeks ago, I was the pianist at my niece's baptism. I spent the entirety at the piano, away from my family, and as I sat secluded from the rest of the people in attendance, I prayed. I prayed about the angst I feel about never having children, about dying alone, about all the traveling I keep putting off because I want to go places with someone dear to me. (And I do travel quite a bit alone, so don't think that I'm just sitting at home, staring out my window.)
It's difficult to articulate how I felt at the end of that prayer, but I will try. I felt as if I was being physically supported by God. As if I was floating, or as I described to my sister--like going tubing on the most peaceful river. And the message was clear: "Just. Hang. On."
And then, this week, various bits of information have come to light that made it clear to me this past year, I was better off without him. Not because he's not who I thought he was, but because he needed time to himself. I apologize for the ambiguity, but suffice it to say, I was protected. My year was stressful enough, and though I would have gladly helped shoulder his burdens, God thought better of it.
I teach Gospel Doctrine at church, and I'm always harping on the importance of the basics--pray daily, read scriptures daily, serve, love, etc. Because it's only when we are entrenched in the basics that we are able to feel that physical support from God, or be open to the inspiration that tells us He knows us and loves us. He is not a vengeful God, punishing my litany of sins with a lifetime of being single.
I still do not feel like the chapter of this particular boy is finished. But if it is, at least now I know why. That's no small gift, and I can't begin to express how grateful I am to just know.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Friday, June 1, 2012
You might not remember me as I hardly remember me myself. I’m the formerly single Mormon girl known in this world as Marcia (see side bar to the right à). Even though I was anonymous (except to my family and friends from whom I cannot keep a secret), I was a proud contributor to this blog at one time.
Although I was single for 42 years, I had a pretty short stint on this blog. If you haven’t gone through the archives (for which I can hardly blame you) and don’t know my story, it is this in a nutshell. I met Tony (yes, that's his REAL name) a few days after breaking up a long-term relationship which was the foundation for a tentative new beginning. Even though I had the tendency to be in relationship for long periods of time (is ten years long?), Tony and I were married 6 months to the day after our first date. But that doesn’t mean we hit it off right away.
I fully intended on writing a follow up posting post wedding/honeymoon. There were some pretty funny stories to tell back then, like the time I overheard Tony talking to someone about his “wife” and I thought “he’s MARRIED?!!” not comprehending that he was referring to ME.So now it’s four years later and I thought it was time to resurface. I still get emails from this blog with comments that people write and it’s fun to hear the funny stories, sad to hear about struggles and wonderful to hear about marriages!
I’m also grateful for this blog for doing a few things for me. By nature I am an introverted, private person. This blog was the vehicle that brought my feelings to the surface, that allowed me to explore the whys and how comes. And although I'm definitely still a work in progress, writing on this blog helped me immensely in my transition to married life.And speaking of that transition, it was a lot smoother than I expected, given we were both pretty old and set in our ways (he was a ripe old 50!) and we both worked from home.
So four years later, I really don’t want to give any advice because I HATED that when I was single. You know, someone gets married and suddenly they are the expert? But can I just say that the best thing about being married is having someone else to focus on other than myself? I also have to say that I loved being single as much as I love being married.Some of my single friends have told me that I gave them hope. And I guess that’s what I’d like to do. Because at the age of 42 I got married, at 44 I got pregnant (after making the decision to start the adoption process), and although we had a bit of a rough go of it (can you say hospital bed rest for me and 6 weeks premature for Ryan?), we have the cutest little boy in the world (ok, now I’m bragging). But lest you doubt, here, for the first time on this blog, is a picture!
Oh and if you’d like to follow our journey, hop on over to our blog. I don’t write as often as I used to, but not from lack of stuff to write about. We’re in the midst of adopting a second child which is a race to Tony’s 55th birthday (the age limit for the adoption we’re pursuing) which is next March. Yikes!http://expectation-management.blogspot.com/
So to all those who encouraged me during the ups and downs on this blog, if you’re still around, thank you! I still have those ups and downs, but I’m alive and trying to survive the world of the terrible two’s as a middle-aged momma.Love,
Posted by marcia at 2:17 PM