Hi all - It's Stella again and I've come back to TalkingWalls to report on a great adventure. Last time I wrote I talked about a new man in my life and what an amazing experience it had been thus far. Well my amazing experience came to a close a few weeks ago and as I re-embraced my single life I realized all that I had learned and thought I would share.
First, let me just say that this was by far the very best dating experience I have ever had. This man treated me with kindness and respect, supported me in my life, and helped to undo a lot of hurt I've experienced over the years. So what happened right? It came time to make a decision friends. It came time to move forward (i.e. marriage) or let one another go. He did not feel this but I did. In fact, for weeks the nagging feeling that I had to re-visit the marriage talk would not leave me. We had discussed marriage many times over the last 6 months but having different views on the subject, different views on intimacy, different views on commitment we had never come to a consensus.
In the end our different faiths and beliefs about life came into serious play here. Not necessarily issues of doctrine but issues when you have one person who strives to live by the guidance of the Spirit and one person who doesn't know what that means. No matter which faith or church you belong to that's a tough pairing to make compatible.
I have to say that I do not regret one single second I spent with him. I learned so much and though my suffering was deep and intense that first week after the big "split" my healing and increased testimony is far and away worth the pain. I think I've finally found that place friends - that place of acceptance where you truly trust the Lord to bring you a desired blessing in His time.
It's as if this trial was (is) a large lake and I had to swim across it. Throughout my swim, dark unseen forces, creatures, currents threw me around and tried to drag me under. Moments of light and safety were far and few between and just when I'm about to give up, let go and sink to the murky depths of the darkness an oasis appeared before me. I was able to stay here, safe and protected until my eyes were cleared and the shore became visible. I'm not so bold as to state with all confidence that I'm not going to have a bad attitude now and then, or become angry about this life predicament. I am still me after all, and singleness quite frankly - ticks me off. I hate it. I never wanted this. I never (knowingly) signed up for this (the veil being drawn of course to my pre-existence decisions.) I love being in a loving relationship where I can devote myself and my efforts to someone else. I am the best version of myself when I am in love and feel loved in return and this I can say - I am one incredibly loyal girl. I will stay by your side until you figure out whatever you need to figure out as long as you keep trying. I'm glad to know that about myself.
So would I date outside the church again? I'm truly not sure but I don't think so. Facing a future with a man who did not share my faith, and I came to learn did not share my devotion to Heavenly Father and our Savior is not something I want to trifle with. I know there are many, many wonderful saints around the world who are not LDS and many who put us to shame in their devotion and efforts to be Christlike. Those are the ones I would count myself lucky to have in my life because not only would they recognize the truth when they heard it but they will support me always in growing my own faith and testimony.
And that brothers and sisters is what it's all about.