I can feel it again.
That space in my heart that I've kept closed off for so long is starting to fill, and at times I'm worried it will burst.
That lurch in my stomach that borders on nausea every time I see his name on my phone or read his emails.
That lump in my throat when I click “send” and worry that I've revealed too much, too soon, and I'll never hear from him again.
And that tingling in my toes when I do hear from him again, the euphoria that he's chosen me for one more day.
It's been years since I felt this, and I'm surprised at how easily and how fast it returns.
I play angel and devil in my head.
The angel says to enjoy the moment, develop the friendship, trust his words.
The devil tells me I have no reason to hope, he's just like the others, and to not be surprised when it's over.
I really thought I had lost this ability, this capacity to feel hope and happiness, the beginnings of a possible relationship. I was prepared to live the rest of my life alone. Now I don't want to. I feel these physical manifestations of emotions and I want more. Whether it's with him, whether it's with someone I've yet to meet,
I'm not ready to give up after all.
I really thought I was.