Friday, July 9, 2010

Cycles (Marnie)

Life is about cycles. I’m just coming out of one. There are the ups and downs of normal life, our “womanly” cycles, all sorts of cycles…

That’s what life is about. Going through cycles and trying to come out on top.

Yep, my cycle is one you are guessing I’m talking about. This blog is about dating and finding a mate, so of course I’m referring to the cycle of a relationship.

It started out shaky – I wasn’t entirely sure about him. But he seemed interested and did kind and thoughtful things – along with having a great sense of humor. There were some obvious obstacles, although, I tried hard to just focus on just “having a good time.” I thought in the back of my mind, if he cares enough, these obstacles won’t be a problem in the end.

It continued to build momentum. I tried to keep guarded but with no other good options (and I was really looking!), I lost the war and fell for him. He had so much of what I was looking for!

Then there comes the point where you are either moving forward or backward. Yep, mine went backward. Just like so many times in the past.

It was a rough month of uncertainty as I had to test the waters and see how much I really meant to him.

When the appropriate time came – luckily I recognized it after much pondering and prayer – I got my answer of what was to be. And it wasn’t.

It hurt. It always hurts. Why do I think it won’t? I’m not different from anyone else. The circumstances and the names of the guys may be different, but the disappointment, sadness and frustration are all the same.

Why was it so hard to get back up this time? I longed to force myself to a very short “mourning” period. I hate being a baby, whining and pining about a lost opportunity. And I had very stern talks with myself –giving great instruction on why it’s better to move on, forget about him, forget about the past, look forward to the future. You know, get back out there on that dating horse!

Yet, there were no dates to ride. And it was just empty and quiet. No good distractions, except unfortunate opportunities to run into him. Yuck.

It’s a cycle. They are never quite the same, but it still has to be ridden to the very end.

I feel better now. It’s still a famine in the dating world but I still wonder if it’s the vibe I’m giving off. It took such a long time to get here! Way longer than I wanted or he deserved. But I learned some important lessons. The most important one was how much I CAN’T do this alone. No one really understands what it’s like to be me. And I would NEVER assume to know what it’s like to be you. But the Savior knows and cares. And only through the atonement can I find relief. Not just from my sins, but from my disappointments and broken heart. I keep forgetting that. It’s a stupid thing to forget but the distractions of the world and my own pride seem to keep me from seeing that simple truth at crucial times. Luckily, I finally remembered and stopped suffering alone.

So that’s my excuse for leaving the blogging world for a while. Not a great reason or excuse, but it’s all I’ve got. I’ve considered dropping this blog more than once. I’m the last of those that started in the beginning. And if anyone was reading in the beginning, I wasn’t too active and vocal like the others. It’s hard to share so much and so often. To continue to carry the torch alone is a tough one! Being left behind isn’t fun. Nobody likes it. And one thing that was agreed in the beginning about this blog was to never make this a pity session or a “rant and rave” session with no real resolution.

But after careful thought, I realize I need to sit back and reflect more, instead of trying to distract myself from another loss. Just as I can’t give up on my goal to get married, I can’t give up on the blog. I only hope I really have something worth saying and I can try to say it more often….


Duncan said...

I appreciate your posts!

Ryan @ TheSinglesWard said...

Technically, every relationship that doesn't result in eternal marriage is a failed relationship. It means you need to start over with someone else.

What really happens, however, is it brings you closer to marriage. By opening your heart, you have the opportunity to get to know yourself better through getting to know and serving another. To love someone we must serve them.

You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. See this as an opportunity and not a burden or a hassle. You now have the opportunity to get to know someone out there that will be sealed to you for all time and eternity, and that should make you smile.

At least you're not trying to date in Provo.

The Singles Ward: Dating In Provo

Anonymous said...

Thanks Marnie for this blog. I love it so much and connect to so many things you say.

Anonymous said...

Are you still looking for people to contribute to this blog? If so, can you post what email to send to. The one on the site bounced. Thanks:-)

Anonymous said...

I so relationship just ended. Well a week ago to be precise. It was a whirlwind type thing...I was hesitant at the beginning. He had some obvious baggage and we didn't live in the same state. He won me over with his sweet txts, emails, calls, visits. He was so sure about us...he talked me down from the ledge a few times at the beginning. In hindsight we went too fast, I overlooked to much, but in the moment it felt so right. I thought he was the "One". I fell for him, we talked marriage, met each others' families, then he freaked out. Said he was not sure what he felt anymore after so many declarations of love and spiritual confirmations. He just turned it all off, distanced himself, and said he was not sure what he felt, but it was not good...not "fun" anymore. It literally broke my heart. I tried to give him time, talk about it, but he wouldn't tell me what was wrong..said it would not help. Told his family his concerns, but not me. Held it over me like I was not worthy of knowing what was wrong in our relationship! He let me wonder what was going on for a month. Finally he told me he could only be friend over email! He couldn't even call me. What I have learned since...even a broken heart can keep living. Heavenly Father listens and heals. He gives you comfort when nothing makes sense and you no longer trust yourself or your own judgement. When it hurts really bad, I say a prayer and ask him to help carry some of the hurt and to help me let it and him go. Yesterday I went out with a new person. He was nice, sweet, not a member, has some baggage, etc. I don't know if there is a future there, but it helped me see that I can like someone again, I can feel like I want to hold someone else's hand, my heart can feel like (possibly love in the future) goes on. Your heart heals and you have hope that Heavenly Father is preparing your heart for someone who will appreciate you and all you offer. Someone who will be sure they want you in their lives forever not just when it is "fun".

Anonymous said...

yes yes. we'd love more contributors. I (Kris) was the original administrator of the blog and admit that I don't check the email. All of the other writers should have full administrative rights and can change where the email goes. Email me girls if you have trouble. I lost my address book and can't find emails for you gals.

Marnie said...

Ok! we have a new email address for those that wish to contribute. It is now:

Please send it on in, Anonymous!

Sorry for the delay...

Mindy said...

Thank your opening your heart and sharing your thoughts and feelings. It's nice to know that your not a lone in your own heartaches and loss.

Fei said...


I just wanted to say that I so respect your path of personal growth. Thank you for sharing your most honest feelings here on this blog. I don't share your struggle (as much as I wish I could say that I do) but you are a wonderful example to me of optimism, perseverance and patience. Anyone - single or married -would do well to learn from you.

Anonymous said...

I am SO glad that you have this blog!!!!! =) THANK YOU for posting and sharing your feelings!!! =)