Monday, August 2, 2010

Reality (Marnie)

I was talking with a friend who has a medical condition that keeps her from having kids. Well, she thinks it would. She isn’t married yet and hasn’t had the chance to try it out. But she’s 40 now. And she truthfully told me she doesn’t want to have kids. She’s just too old. The dream had died and she had moved on to just appreciate being an aunt to great nieces and nephews and “waiting for the millennium” to finally get her chance at motherhood.

I applauded her ability to move on, but personally I’m not there yet. I’m still selfish and think I can still have a kid even though I’ll probably be 61 when that kid moves out of the house. Jane Seymour had twins at age 46 and she's been my hope for the future.

Is it fair to be that old and have kids? Is it right? Is it wise? Beats me! It’s just what I want! And yet, it doesn’t matter what that “want” is. I can do all I can – and I’ve done a lot to find a mate – things that would make “normal” women roll their eyes and as we’ve seen, strangers make comments to this blog condemning me and saying, “seriously? You still think like that?” But I’m committed! I’m determined! And yet in the end, I have zero power over the situation. If it isn’t what God wants, it ain’t happening…

That realization that it's out of my control has been a tough road. Just like so many single, Mormon women my age, I take on life with full force. I’m accused of being too independent and intimidating to some men. But nothing has brought me more tears and faster to my knees than my search for a spouse. And I’m still there. Still on my knees. Still pleading. But I’m coming closer to the fact that there is only one way and that’s God’s way. For it to be right and what I want, it’s in God’s hands and his timing.

I only wish I could embrace God’s way with happiness and gratitude. I still get so sad and annoyed about it - more than I should. Maybe when I can truly accept God’s will with gratitude, things will change? Yep, I’m still trying to outwit God. Anticipate his moves and actions – understand his motivations. But that doesn’t work either.

I think what I want most is understanding of the apparent “necessary wait.” If I need to learn something, let’s do it! Let’s learn! Let’s get this over with! I don’t care how painful or scary. Let’s get this over with!

Yet, it isn’t about running into a fight and scrapping around. It’s about waiting and being ok with the wait. And it's apparent I’m not…yet.


Anonymous said...

Hi, perfect stranger here! Sometimes when I think like you are today, I am reminded that I have to let go of trying to control everything and let Heavenly Father do His thing. If you will accept some helpful advice that I've often received from others when I am thinking about relationships and kids, etc. I encourage you to re-read your patriarchal blessing. It helps to know what He wants for us, and when I get confused as to what is supposed to lie ahead for me, I remember what was told to me that day. Its so special. I'm sure that you do this already but sometimes we have to be reminded of that special gift He's given us and I'm so happy that you have the courage to be honest with your feelings on this matter because it makes girls like me feel less alone in the world. Thanks!

Ryan @ TheSinglesWard said...

Never give up. We believe in you Marnie. It's always tough being patient with what Heavenly Father has planned for us. We hope you get the opportunity and the privilege to raise a child.

Have you been on any dates recently? :)

Anonymous said...

If you ever do find a way to be 'ok with the wait', please post it... because I never have.

Anonymous said...

I love this post - talk about writing my heart! I have yet to learn how to wait perfectly but I know my patience has grown and my willingness to follow Heavenly Father's will has increased. Patience is a divine trait and we are all going to need it. Perhaps for some of us that lesson is better learned alone. I know that Heavenly Father cries with us, aches when our hearts break and like the best kind of parents knows the best thing to do is to let their beloved child fight and struggle until they find their way out of the maze.

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