Sunday, October 17, 2010

It Begins with Me (Marnie)

I visited with a friend of mine I haven’t talked to in a long while. She wanted to know how I was doing since my breakup last spring. As I gave her a rundown, it brought up some feelings I guess I still haven’t let go of. I thought I had been doing much better, but when I it all came out, it was apparent I wasn’t. It depressed me to think so much time had passed and I hadn’t worked through it yet.

She was great to listen and not pass judgment, although I know she felt helpless in being able to help me. She’s married with 5 kids and as her life keeps changing, my life doesn’t show much in that department. The concern and worry on her face as I vented my fears, frustrations, and lack of hope, made ME concerned. How depressing was it to listen to me?? How many times does it feel like I’ve been here before and told her the same things? I feel like a broken record – with no new insight but just the same old problems and insecurities. It can’t be true – but it sure feels like it!

So I’m done. I’m done complaining about the quality of men I date, the lack of results I get, and the hopelessness I feel. I feel like all I do is complain through my cycle of relationships, and doing this complaining doesn’t seem to help. It surely doesn’t help my attitude, either.

I can make a list of reasons why I’m not married - from irrational thoughts to logical statistics. But even I’m bored by them now! I can’t figure it out and I don’t think I’m meant to. So the only way I know how to change what is happening is to stop. Stop it all. Not stop trying, just stop this obsession to understand why. Stop discussing it in minute details. Stop wallowing in the past disappointments, yelling to the sky, “WHY???” over and over. My heart has been broken before – it will be broken again, no doubt. So why dwell on it? Yeah it hurts like hell but living like this - dredging up the past and reanalyzing it, and questioning God doesn’t help me feel better. I believe in the grieving process, but being the drama queen I am, I have taken this grieving to a new level that just isn’t right and is affecting my happiness.

I think what I really need to do is start forgiving. Forgiving me, forgiving the men I’ve dated that have hurt me, and yes, even forgiving God for not giving me what I want. I know that shocks a lot of you – because some think one shouldn’t be mad at God. But its how I feel. This natural response – at least for me – has got to metamorphous into something better. Because I won’t give up! I won’t stop looking or flirting or dating or trying to get a spouse. I refuse to die like an old maid – even if my soul keeps getting bruised and kicked against the curb. But I’ve been dealing with this all wrong. If I’m going to continue to work on achieving this goal – my reaction and how I deal with it all HAS got to be better. Otherwise I’m not getting anywhere and remaining miserable.

I’ve talked before about my frustration with and desire to accept God’s will, and I haven’t gotten very far. So that ends today. From now on, I accept God’s will and I’m going to trust Him. You may think I’m lying or even crazy to think I can do it, but frankly, waiting for my feelings and desires to change isn’t working.

I’ve heard several talks from General Conference in the last few years about choosing faith. It’s a choice and not something you just get from nowhere. You just have to decide and take a risk. Then the faith comes. And I think choosing and trusting God’s will works the same way. I can pray until I’m blue in the face but until I change how I’m going to think and deal with this all, nothing will change. I have to take the leap of faith and just do it. I believe God helps us – a lot. But I also believe he lets struggle until we “get it.” And I’m just beginning to “get it.”

The other thing I’m going to do is truly forgive. I’ve been praying about it, hoping God will just make these horrible thoughts and hurts go away and let me forgive. Yep, you guessed it! It doesn’t work that way. I just need to decide. So whether I’m ready or not, I’m going to forgive. Just like that!

How am I going to do it? After I told a friend about my problem with forgiving, she suggested it was time I actually did it, and then prayed for the feeling of forgiveness to come into my heart. I need to take action and properly acknowledge what I’m forgiving. Once I do that, then it’s all up to God. She suggested I write down “I forgive….” for each of the people I need to forgive listing the action I’m forgiving. And that list of people includes myself. Something about writing it down makes it much more of a reality instead of just a good idea. It gets out of your system. Once I write it out, I’m going to get rid of it. That way, the process is really permanent. No sense in dwelling on the past. It’s time to move on…

Some of you may not like this blog entry. You may think I’m being trite and not sensitive to how hard it is to be single. That is where you are really wrong. I know it. I feel it. It hurts. But my bad attitude has not helped and it’s time to adjust it. So I will choose faith, trust God’s will (as much as it scares the spit out of me), and truly forgive – not just the half-hearted kind. It’s going to take some time, a lot of work and self-control, AND a lot of prayer but I’m going to conquer this! Because something has got to change and frankly, I can only change me.

2 comments:

Fei @ The Companion said...

Marnie, thank you so much for writing this post.

I've experienced heartbreak many, many times over, but for some reason, always decided not to let it phase me. Each time, I'd found hurt and anger to be an important phase in distancing myself emotionally from the person, but each breakup was only complete and resolved when I ended the anger and chose to forgive. It didn't matter whether or not I had begun another relationship. If I had not forgiven, I had not closed the chapter and moved on. I also would not have learned from it. It is extremely difficult, but it is possible.

*hugs*

Here's to determination in choosing faith. May the blessings not take too long to follow.

Anonymous said...

This is a beautiful post. Thank you so much. These are words all of us need to hear. Thank you for your insights and courage and determination.