I have a dear, sweet, beautiful friend who made the unfortunate choice to do a little cyber surfing for blogs of LDS single men. Unfortunately...she found a few. She called me and I have never once in the 15 years I've known her heard such hurt and loss of hope in her voice. I wish I could tell you that she found a blog or two of single men discussing their struggles in finding a virtuous woman but as you might imagine she found instead the ramblings of Victoria Secret soaked frontal lobes spinning fabulous tales of how they have every right to a "hot" woman and will settle for nothing else. Then they went on to describe what "hot" is and proved that their yardstick of worthiness is about as minimalistic as their thinking.
We've all known men and women who approach their quest for a companion with "hot" as their only criteria and if you're in my business you've seen the fruit of some of those conquests. What can I say? You get what you ask for and that's not always a good thing.
My sweet friend has the same human frailties that you and I do and suffers the consequences of those frailties. She, like many of us at one time or another, has been fighting a battle with her weight which seems to settle upon her in leaps and bounds - even if she's just sucking an ice cube. With that weight gain comes sadness, which brings more food to feel better, which = a vicious circle that's hard to get out of. She has come to believe that is what has kept the blessings of marriage from her and unfortunately she found a burden of proof in the words of those who should probably have a life coach following them around 24/7.
I believe that we all have the right to our version of attractive and I believe we all have the right to our version of unattractive. I'm a tall girl who loves high heels and I have always had a problem dating men shorter then me. It makes me feel like an amazon and while those who are chest high don't seem to mind it makes me feel ginormous and makes hugs awkward. I try really hard not to use that as a measurement of a man's worth and have dated many a shorter guy so I could get to know them better. Now granted I realize that a person's height is outside of their control and that a person's weight in most cases very much is. I also realize that being overweight may send others unintended messages of laziness, unadventurous or even slovenly, unmotivated or unhealthy. As adults though we should be able to look past this and see the person - their character, their worth, their value, and their contributions - then we decide if all of those things (coupled with attraction of course) is someone who makes you want to be a better person and who would be a wonderful addition to your life.
As I talked with my friend it occurred to me that these individuals - whether they be men or women - who solely use flat stomachs and tight tush's as their companion seeking criteria are really no one that any of us needs to be all that concerned with. While the current definition of beauty in our society is well defined by entities such as the media and Hollywood you don't have to go too far back in history to see very different definitions where a plus size woman would have been drooled over for her softness and ample self.
My point is that these particular individuals who wrote these particular blogs and hold these particular ideals are going to find their unrighteous desires no matter what labels we are talking about. They are going to find their excuses (and the fruits thereof) about why they are not following the counsel of the Prophets and I say we give them as much credit and attention as if they were saying they would only marry a woman with a huge stomach and saggy tush. Acknowledge it for the crazy thing that it is and move on with life. Just like they are going to lose the opportunity with a virtuous, beautiful woman like my sweet friend they are also going to lose the virtuous, beautiful, tight tushed girl who knows she is more then a tight tush and deserves better then the rants of the deranged.
I'm all for beautifying ourselves. Look your best, keep yourself active and healthy, explore the world and all your possibilities - not because your quest ends in a tight tush but because it ends in becoming the ruby talked about in Proverbs 31. A life where we magnify our mission on the earth and ultimately honor and glorify our Heavenly Father with the lives that we live. In the Lord's time after our sweethearts and ourselves have been made ready He will bring us together.
In the meantime to the authors of those vile writings that momentarily crushed the spirits of my sweet friend I have one (highly edited) thing to say:
Unless it was in one of those books that was lost I have no memory of the scriptures defining a beautiful, virtuous son or daughter of God, who can access the heavens and eternities, by how good he or she looks laid out spread eagle in a worldly catalog. And just in case it is in one of those lost books I think we've discovered why the Lord "hid it up." Get a clue....and a life coach.
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7 comments:
As a woman, I feel like I have a lot to offer: I'm kind and generous, PhD-smart, funny, confident, loving, and I know my way around a kitchen to boot. I am not obese, but I freely admit to being chubbier than I was at 18. I feel a lot like your friend these days, like the LDS men my age (I'm 31) are only interested in dating women that are young, thin, and beautiful, regardless of how they look themselves. I've taken to calling it the "garden gnome/barbie doll complex." It is frustrating that it feels like the physical is 80% or more of what these guys are looking for in a woman. I have considered working hard and losing some weight, but ultimately I don't want a guy whose affection is dependent on what size pants I wear. It is very discouraging.
My thought is that those men who are looking for someone "hot" are going to get what they ask for. And will then wonder when their marriage is in shambles shortly after the wedding. The men who are looking for something more than only looks are going to get that too and have a much better marriage long term. Its an interesting fallacy that many marriages these days (even in the church) are based on, if we love (lust) each other, we'll be able to make it somehow. True/real love comes only after times of sacrifice and work together. It seems that the men looking for a "hot" woman don't seem to understand the sacrifice and work part of things.
In the same way, when you as a woman hold yourself to the higher standard, you will gain more in the long run.
If your friend read mormon bachelor pad, just know that it is a fake blog written by two married guys wishing to capitalize somewhat on sensationalism.
It is SO EASY to hear one guy talk like that and think they're ALL like that . . . but they're not. So just walk away. Also, won't it be funny when mr. Victoria's Secret knocks up his perfect wife, she has a baby, and is left with a belly that will never be the same again? Or when she hits 45 and things start to ever so slightly soften and wrinkle? Seriously. He is the stuff pedophiles are made of.
I find when I don't feel great about myself - whether it's on my outside appearance or my inside thoughts and feelings - my sensitivity is heightened so much that I start to believe the many lies out there. Such as: only skinny girls get married or that all men are looking for skinny women. That is a load of crap. When I'm feeling stronger and actively working on my relationship with God, I can see through the lies and also see the good men out there! Unfortunately, we as women have cycles of down times...we just have to work through the bad part, hold on and wait for when we are stronger.
I find twisted comfort in the fact that many of the the boys I dated seriously called me AFTER they married the "flat-stomach, tight tushie" girls. Why the phone calls? They wanted to talk. They wanted to still be friends.
I like to think they realized what they had with me was a bit more substantial, even if I may have carried 10 extra pounds. It probably shouldn't make me feel better about myself, but it does. I did tell each of them I was uncomfortable talking to them, and they respected that.
And Marnie, you speak the truth.
Very well written. I find articulation and intelligence to be quite attractive, as well as tight tushes and flat stomachs. :)
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