Not Exclusive (Leah)

So... I wanted something to be posted on here - but I didn't want to have to do it. You know what they say, though, if you want something done you might as well just do it yourself. Well this also applies to having one of those "talks." I did it. I initiated a talk with Phil. We've been going on dates at least once a week for a few months now. I thought it was time we did some clarifying, like, where do we stand, where are we going - the usual. I was surprised at how easily and smoothly I brought it up. Oh, first you should know, I gave him warning that I wanted to talk. Before we ever started dating we'd had a casual conversation about dating and all the assuming that can happen and cause trouble. In the email I just said I wanted to talk to avoid unnecessary assuming. On the following date it was easy enough to say, "By the way, that's one of the things I wanted to talk to you about." Overall I'd say it went well and I came away actually feeling more secure, despite the fact that he said he was dating other women. Maybe it's because I wanted us to be open to dating others - who knows - but really, pure clarity does wonders! He never looked better to me and conversation was never more comfortable. I don't intend to do it again any time soon, but I felt like we did a bit of ice breaking. I'm glad.

Talking (Leah)

"I like girls cause they're fun to talk to."
That was written by one of my students today on an assignment where the students describe themselves in a collage. I couldn't help but agree. One of my friends recently told me how happy she was because the guy she is dating asked her out and said she could tell him funny stories. Apparently it makes him happy to just listen to her tell funny stories. It reminded me of what Phil said not too long ago, how he likes to listen to me talk. I think the best thing to make a woman happy is to listen to her. And now I have proof from the younger generation.

Talking (Leah)

I just wanted to share a little lesson I learned recently. The last fellow I dated complained that I "talked" too much - as in I told too many people too much about me/him/us. I think it made him feel overexposed and insecure. I selfishly thought he was silly. I was talking to my friends about what mattered to me - it had nothing to do with him really.

Since then, though, I've done some thinking. In an effort to honor his wishes I've tried to not discuss him anymore with friends or family. ALSO (now this may come as a surprise to some) I've restrained myself from discussing some very personal thoughts with some people. I've wanted to practice this behavior and even though the guy isn't a part of my life now I want to honor what I learned from the relationship at least. On this blog I tell some stuff that I wonder if I really should tell, but that's one reason I try to maintain the anonymity. Since I've started doing this I have to say I feel great!

In fact, I was thinking the other day about how when someone is going through a really hard time everyone has to ask "how are you doing" and that person gets sick of the question. It's not like life gets better or easier and so that question becomes increasingly depressing. I don't think said person will ever be able to get out of that sad state with continued discussion focusing on it. In terms of my dating life, every time someone asks "how is Phil" I get talking and thinking and obsessing and next thing I know there is little left of meaning in my life other than the Phil drama. And the more I talk about Phil the more people need to ask about him.

As older single women we hate being asked "why aren't you married yet" but then it seems that's the only topic we discuss. The bigger deal you make of something the bigger deal it becomes. I don't want all my friend relationships to be based on the latest progress of my Phil relationship. So I've decided that I want to have my life less Phil oriented and just more me oriented. That won't affect my blogging here - so no worries - but I have to say I'm a believer in sharing less. After all, the only people who know what is best in a relationship are the two people in it. I think I'll do better in my next relationship if I don't try to include 10 of my closest friends who have all the best and kindest intentions.

Sorry - I think that was a bit rambly, but I hope you catch my drift!