Friday, July 9, 2010

Cycles (Marnie)

Life is about cycles. I’m just coming out of one. There are the ups and downs of normal life, our “womanly” cycles, all sorts of cycles…

That’s what life is about. Going through cycles and trying to come out on top.

Yep, my cycle is one you are guessing I’m talking about. This blog is about dating and finding a mate, so of course I’m referring to the cycle of a relationship.

It started out shaky – I wasn’t entirely sure about him. But he seemed interested and did kind and thoughtful things – along with having a great sense of humor. There were some obvious obstacles, although, I tried hard to just focus on just “having a good time.” I thought in the back of my mind, if he cares enough, these obstacles won’t be a problem in the end.

It continued to build momentum. I tried to keep guarded but with no other good options (and I was really looking!), I lost the war and fell for him. He had so much of what I was looking for!

Then there comes the point where you are either moving forward or backward. Yep, mine went backward. Just like so many times in the past.

It was a rough month of uncertainty as I had to test the waters and see how much I really meant to him.

When the appropriate time came – luckily I recognized it after much pondering and prayer – I got my answer of what was to be. And it wasn’t.

It hurt. It always hurts. Why do I think it won’t? I’m not different from anyone else. The circumstances and the names of the guys may be different, but the disappointment, sadness and frustration are all the same.

Why was it so hard to get back up this time? I longed to force myself to a very short “mourning” period. I hate being a baby, whining and pining about a lost opportunity. And I had very stern talks with myself –giving great instruction on why it’s better to move on, forget about him, forget about the past, look forward to the future. You know, get back out there on that dating horse!

Yet, there were no dates to ride. And it was just empty and quiet. No good distractions, except unfortunate opportunities to run into him. Yuck.

It’s a cycle. They are never quite the same, but it still has to be ridden to the very end.

I feel better now. It’s still a famine in the dating world but I still wonder if it’s the vibe I’m giving off. It took such a long time to get here! Way longer than I wanted or he deserved. But I learned some important lessons. The most important one was how much I CAN’T do this alone. No one really understands what it’s like to be me. And I would NEVER assume to know what it’s like to be you. But the Savior knows and cares. And only through the atonement can I find relief. Not just from my sins, but from my disappointments and broken heart. I keep forgetting that. It’s a stupid thing to forget but the distractions of the world and my own pride seem to keep me from seeing that simple truth at crucial times. Luckily, I finally remembered and stopped suffering alone.

So that’s my excuse for leaving the blogging world for a while. Not a great reason or excuse, but it’s all I’ve got. I’ve considered dropping this blog more than once. I’m the last of those that started in the beginning. And if anyone was reading in the beginning, I wasn’t too active and vocal like the others. It’s hard to share so much and so often. To continue to carry the torch alone is a tough one! Being left behind isn’t fun. Nobody likes it. And one thing that was agreed in the beginning about this blog was to never make this a pity session or a “rant and rave” session with no real resolution.

But after careful thought, I realize I need to sit back and reflect more, instead of trying to distract myself from another loss. Just as I can’t give up on my goal to get married, I can’t give up on the blog. I only hope I really have something worth saying and I can try to say it more often….