Monday, December 29, 2008


I try not to write about New Phil anymore, but I couldn’t resist. Last night we were talking about what makes each other happy. Well, actually, I was just questioning him. He seems to do a good job of making me happy so I wanted to know what I could do in return. He said he likes talking. Now how lucky am I? I once dated a guy who I must have felt smothered since he suggested I get a hobby. I told him people are my hobby and at the time he was the most interesting person I knew. Okay, maybe he was right, but really I do love people! I think since New Phil and I both love talking we get along pretty well. I call myself pretty lucky. Which reminds me of another story from my past that just cracks me up to this day. It was freshman year at the Y. My roommate was a bit sad that she didn’t date as much as she’d been promised. (Really who made up that stuff? I think I may still be a bit bitter myself!) So her mother advised her to get a hobby, and then suggested origami. I’ve never looked at origami the same. I’d also like to point out that of the six of us she was the first to marry. She never did learn origami either.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Aunt Bridget

I just got back from Christmas in the white wonderland of Salt Lake City, UT. Aunt Bridget was able to be with her nieces and nephew...oh yeah and her Mom and sisters for the holiday. The funnest thing I can think of is to be with my favorite 7 year,4 year, and 2 month old for Christmas,being with them reminds me how soft my heart is and how capable my heart is of completely surrendering to someone. It is a great thing to be reminded of. Painful too, though, when its time to go home. It is in those moments, when my four year old niece says to me, "..but Aunt Bridget, I'm going to MISS you, can't you just stay with US." And i think about it..and it seems like such a nice idea. To play Duck, Duck Goose, and Memory, and lay in bed together all the time. If life could only be this way forever. As I drove away from their house....being encapsulated by emotions....that I was chosen to be an aunt to these kids makes me feel many things, but above all gratitude. I think in many ways my life has become routine, in the emotions I feel, in the thoughts I think, and the thoughts I rethink. I go to work, go to school, go to church, have fun with friends, volunteer,perform my calling at church.. the feelings seem routine and expected. My visits with them save me with simplicity and the tenderness they foundational is the love that I feel for these kids, yet I am surprised and affected eact time I am with them, they remind me how fiercely I can love.....and how fiercely I can miss it when I get on a plane and come home to California.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

It's All About the Self-Talk (Marnie)

This Christmas season, I decided to visit some older sisters that I used to be in charge of when I was in my old family ward. I really grew to love and care about them. And they always made me feel better when I visited them.

I baked some goodies and made the deliveries on a Sunday early this December. It was fabulous to see them! They really appreciated the visit and goodies. I knew they would ask about my new ward and social life because that was why I left the family ward - to inject my social life with some new possibilities.

Knowing they would ask about my social life, I had my speech ready. It usually went something like this:

Older sister: So how is the singles ward?
Me: Oh, great! I’m meeting some really wonderful people!
Older sister: You dating anyone? (the older folks always get to the point).
Me: Not right now – I dated a guy for a few months but it didn’t work out (I mention that so they know I’m trying and succeeding in some respects).
Older sister: Oh, that’s too bad. [Silence.]

That’s when I give my current mantra. I don’t want them to worry about me and I don’t want their pity, so in 8 different visits I said, “but January is a new year and I feel good about what’s coming up! Lot’s of new opportunities! And I will find me someone new to date! I can feel it!”

Now at first it was just something I made up. But now, after saying it out loud 8 times, even I believe it! All of them each got excited for me when I said it – instead of giving the pity look – and they all reiterated that I could do it! That really felt empowering!

New Years is around that corner. I hate that holiday too – along with my fellow bloggers – but it’s a new opportunity to work on some skills with meeting people. Yep, I’m going to a big singles dance that most likely will have a great assortment of all sorts of men – the good, the bad and the ugly – hopefully more good than bad. And I am bound and determined to meet lots of people, smile big and give my “security guard” stare when I can.

When I first heard about mantras I thought it was silly, but I don’t believe that anymore. You become what you hear yourself say – especially when you are talking about yourself. If it’s negative, it will affect you negatively. If it’s positive, it will affect you positively! And I think that’s why we’ve been told to have faith and hope by the Almighty. Talking about those things helps us keep positive. And I know for a fact when I am trying hard to be positive, I do better. I’m happier and more appreciative of my life. And I smile more. And when I smile more, I tend to be nicer and friendlier. And that helps my life socially as well as spiritually.

So my challenge to any that dare, try a POSITIVE mantra for a month! Say it three times every morning for a month. Mine is: "I am open to relationships. Good things are up ahead for me and in January 2009, I will meet many good “potentials” and find a great guy to date and have a relationship with."

I’ll let you know how it goes…

Monday, December 22, 2008

Change of Title (Leah)

Please excuse the title of that last post. Let's call it "How do you spend the holidays?" And really, I think I'd like to know. What's your position? How do you feel this time of year? What have you done to make it more meaningful and memorable?

Holiday Depression (Leah)

With the holidays here a topic that has come up among some of my single friends is how easy it is to get depressed. I guess since it's a family focused holiday those of us without our own spouse and kids can easily get feeling down. I know some people in my peer group go on trips to warmer climates. Some visit nieces and nephews - it's a way of sharing in the excitement and fun that children can bring to the holiday. I did that one year - loved it. My nephew gave me a picture frame from the dollar store to use with a photo of me and my significant other at the time, oh the faith and hope of children! Instead I put a magazine picture of a couple on their wedding day - I replaced the head on the woman with my head and the man's head is just a blank smiley face. It was part of the "visualizing" I read about in "The Secret." Not a bad idea. I like the picture. I look pretty good in my wedding photo I think. And my nephew's thoughtful gift is put to good use. But that's not what I meant to share in this post. What I wanted to say is that I usually don't get down around Christmas, it's New Year's that tends to make me grumpy. I blame the late hour. And the strained awkwardness of what to do on that night. I've attended my share of dances and parties, family and friends, you name it, I've done it. I probably have even gone to bed at a decent hour! Well, maybe not, but it's not a bad idea. Sometimes I do the whole goal setting thing. Usually I use my birthday to do goals, though. Anyway, compared to Valentine's (another couple holiday) New Year's is by far the worst in my opinion. So to all the single people out there - may you have a wonderful holiday! I suggest getting a good night's rest.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

You're never gonna be jello...(Bridget)

This conversation with Leah and Lorelai reminds me of the movie "Best Friends Wedding" where Julia Robert's character is talking to Cameron Diaz and explaining a similar food analogy. She was comparing preferences of partners with Creme Brule and Jello, if someone likes Jello,is comfortable with Jello, they're not going to want Creme Brule...Cameron's character is Creme Brule in the scenario, and she says desperately " I want to be jello,I can be Jello..." because she wanted so badly to be with the films hero. Julia's character, although wrong about the fact that the hero didn't want creme brule, was right when she said, "You can't be jello, creme brule will never be're NEVER going to be jello" Have you ever wanted so badly to be jello because that's what a particular guy wants? I have,even though Jello is not my style...i am clearly something spicy,sweet,and creamy..more of a main dish item..such as some sort of a masala..and I have come to realize that at the time's I have wanted to be something anything other than what I am..its because I haven't explored or understood the value and worth of what I am and how vital I am. And perhaps not really sure in my heart that someone is looking for masala and will be overjoyed with masala. Now I love masala...the perfect amounts of cinnamon,ginger,cayenne and cream, thinking about it makes me happy and eating it satiates me...i have to remember that...and when I do..and am sure of how much i love masala..the man who is looking for masala will be enough of comparing myself to food...i perhaps have taken it too far.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Comparing (Leah)

Lorelai, your post got me thinking about something I learned awhile ago, but was reminded of again about 4 months ago. I too compare men. There was one back in college who was just plain funny. He was very popular in my student ward. I think he has been my "Sissel." Whenever I date a guy and really like him I notice similarities. He was smart, witty, relaxed, eyes that sparkled, good sized for hugging, and simply kind. My favorite memory ever was when he brought me an ice cube that had slightly melted in his hand, leaving an imprint, because he knew how much I liked ice. It was a perfect moment! But that's what memories are good for. Like a pretty picture you never own. You can appreciate aspects of its beauty in other pictures. But the kind of comparison that IS valuable, is a comparison to your core values. I was encouraged by a friend not too long ago to make a good list of the characteristics that are essential in a mate for me. Those essentials can guide you when you are checking someone out over the course of a few dates. For instance, I discovered that one essential I have is formal education. I have yet to meet someone that I can truly communicate with and get along with who hasn't had a fair degree of education. Maybe it seems shallow of me, maybe I'm missing out on a lot of great guys, but when I've tried to date those without basic college, I haven't been happy. Maybe it's my own pride and weakness, but either way, it's one of those characteristics that I know just makes me happier in a relationship. I've tried to keep it more generally worded, though, like "values education," so that I'm hitting the core aspect. Everyone has to think of their own values - my list isn't for everyone - but I think it's a good activity to do, especially when you're not in the middle of a relationship (otherwise you can get too confused).

Monday, December 15, 2008

In Comparison (Lorelai)

This past weekend I went to a fabulous performance of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, the annual Christmas concert. The set was amazing with brilliantly lit trees, snow covered miniature houses, and dazzling poinsettias covering the stage. I was snuggled down in my seat ready for my heart to pound with joy. And then it was over. Now don’t get me wrong, it was a fabulous performance. My favorite part was the organ solo … I know! If you know me at all (which you don’t) then you know me and organ music do not necessarily get along but it was phenomenal. I might buy the DVD just for that one song. It was amazing.

But here is where it gets tricky. This is not my first MoTab Christmas concert and without even thinking about it I started to compare. Two years ago (I am pretty sure it was two years ago) a wonderful artist Sissel came. It was magical. She would open her mouth and this glorious sound would emerge with seemingly little effort. It was moving and spiritual and rather perfect.

This year’s performance dimmed in comparison. But how unfair is it to compare. The guest artists are in completely different genres and have very different performance styles. Just because Sissel was as near perfection as I can imagine that does not mean that the other performances was not good. So why did my opinion of the performance seem so low?

Now you might be wondering why I am critiquing MoTab here but really I started thinking. Subconsciously how many times do I compare for good or ill the men I date? I discovered that if someone remotely reminds me of Gap (my ex) I turn and run. Fast. Gap had many good qualities. I should not run away from a person because they exhibit certain similarities (there are others that yes I should be running). And then there is of course Charming. They guy I dated in college and was hopelessly, madly, stupidly in love with and still can only remember the good (even though there was a lot of bad). Sometimes I wonder if I do not give a guy a chance because he reminds me of Gap or because he does not remind me of Charming. I should look at him based upon his own merit; not how similar or dissimilar he is to people that I have morphed in my mind to the good guy and the bad guy.

I guess for me it is the subconscious part that is disturbing. Am I running because of legitimate red flags or just because of some small insignificant similarity? It is something I have not thought too much about before. Well nevertheless I still liked Sissel best…

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Saving Face(Bridget)

Ok, a couple of things. Firstly,being offline has been great. Very liberating. Rychelle, our faithful reader was right, I already feel happier without the "online obsession" hanging over me. At work the last few days, on one level I was aware of the tendency I had to go online and check things out several times a day,usually when i'm stressed (less calories than a fun size snickers) and because I wasn't checking it anymore, it left a little bit of an itch. Overall, its been liberating and reinforcing. I do not deny that online dating can work, my sister met her husband online as well as others,like Kris from this very blog. I know that it can be a vehicle to bring two people together. However, for me, the timing has been right to take a break. I guess for me, the energy I was spending on it was over the amount that I really should be giving it, and true to form, just like Diet coke and Lay's chips I can't just have one, or look once a week, or even once a day. So,until I can muster up some discipline from somewhere..Bridget is on her own and open to fate stepping in :)whatever that means. As I've had time freed up from the dating website, another phenomenon,called FaceBook has really caught my eye in the last couple of months, friends and acquaintances from elementary school, high school, old Jobs,old sentences served(?) are all coming out of the wood works...It's hard not to notice that EVERYONE, I mean EVERYONE has procreated. Even the guy that used to make fun of me and made my life a living hell is expecting twins with his wife. Is this fair? Am I letting this get me down? Some times, when I think about it too deeply. Does it make me want to eat a whole Digiornio pizza? Maybe.Am I reminding myself that everyone has a unique purpose, and timeline...and that a Digiornio's pizza would easily be 3000 calories? Twelve times a day...Am I so happy that I have an opportunity to blog and receive support,understanding, and strength from singles around the country? I have faith that I have access to the power to overcome and create exactly the life that I want...yes..even if the key is finding the gratitude for the life that I now know that it has almost ALL of the elements that I have asked for from Heavenly Father..just maybe not in the packages I had pictured...although lets be clear,a husband package would be really nice...fed exed...extra special.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Trust (Leah)

In my scripture reading this morning I did some reading on “trust.” I wish I’d written down some of the verses and phrases that struck me, but instead you’re just going to get my watered down reaction a few hours after the fact. I’ll just tell you right off that the clear message in the scriptures is that you need to trust God and only God. None of this trusting your spouse stuff. Which I think is good. I know a close friend of mine once voiced her concern about trusting the guy she was dating. I think she meant it was hard to trust him to be reliable and committed to their relationship. She didn’t lack trust in his honesty or morality – just trusting that he’d stick it out and make the relationship work. When she vocalized her concern I remember throwing out, “Well you never totally trust a human being so it’s silly to try – you can only trust God.” I did and do believe that (whether or not I’m able to act on that belief is another issue), but this morning I guess I read it more as a commandment. You know how I was discussing insecurity earlier. Well, this morning I decided that insecurity shouldn’t even be an issue because all of my trust is in God. I have a saying in my room, made by an old Primary teacher that says, “I can follow God’s plan for me.” So true! If I keep believing and acting accordingly then it won’t matter a bit what happens in a relationship because I can (and DO) follow God’s plan for me. Listen to that self talk – I’m a big believer in that too. Kind of like building the house on a rock. If I’m following God’s plan for me then I don’t need to worry about the other person in my relationship – well God’s plan generally includes charity and service and kindness and stuff in relation to our fellow human beings (brothers and sisters) but I don’t need to sweat how I’ll do that as much because my trust is in God. It’s like a post I made way back when (and I was reminded of by my good visiting teachers recently) that when you’re in the midst of a problem – don’t think about the problem, just work on your relationship with God. Focus on truth and the clarity of God’s plan, not on how you’re going to deal with a certain dilemma. Sound good? Hope so. I need to get going.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Making Sense of Feelings (Leah)

I woke up not happy. Does that ever happen to you? I could blame it on staying up late – but that doesn’t always make me unhappy. You know what did it? I’ll tell you. I stayed up late thinking of unhappy things. Then after sleeping on those unhappy thoughts, and likely having unhappy dreams, I woke up unsettled. So what do you do when you wake up all unsettled like? Well, I need to process my feelings. I need to get them out of me so I can face my day. I don’t do well dwelling on unhappy things. So I pulled out the journal and did some scripture reading. It helped. But I noticed my first period suffered a bit because of my mood. They weren’t as engaged – first period rarely is – but today I noticed they were acting the way I felt. I really believe that people go around reflecting each other more often than not. My unsettled mood left them a bit distracted. Anyway, I want some of your input on the topic that left me a bit confused last night. I was trying to understand my emotions in relation to dating. I was trying to figure out why it is people feel fearful and insecure about dating. Why is it that we fear rejection – even before there’s a sign of it? In all my opportunities of dating and breaking up I’ve learned how to get over the feeling of rejection. I’ve learned how to fight it. But still, when I’m in the middle of a good relationship, feelings of fear creep up. Like sitting at the doctor’s, watching the nurse move about, and fearing the impending needle poke. Usually the poke is manageable. Usually I get over it just fine – maybe I’m sore for the day – but I recover. Just like a relationship that doesn’t work. So why do I fear it? I don’t think nurturing fears is good AT ALL. I think fear feeds fear. I think it only muddles things up – so how does a person refuse to hear it? And isn’t fear sometimes a good thing? Isn’t it a good warning sign at times? I fear going Latin dancing – I think that’s a pretty good fear to pay attention to. I know that dating has always led to a degree of heart break, but I don’t regret having done any of it. The pain has probably caused me to build up some fear, but I don’t think it’s the good fear that’s worth listening to. There were other positive results from those many heart breaks.

I’ll tell you what I came up with this morning. After spewing a bit in the journal I opened up the scriptures and read about healing. It was the section of the index that came open and it seemed mostly relevant. I turned to a passage in the D&C. It talked about how healing requires tenderness and love. Can’t argue there. Then a couple verses later it said something about weeping for those who die. Having experienced this sort of loss I could relate to it. I could see that it is more than okay to weep for someone who has died. Then it said something like how much sadder it is when someone dies without the hope of the resurrection. I know that when I’ve had to process the grief related to death I’ve been extremely grateful for the hope of the resurrection. I wondered to myself then, how a breakup is like death. It’s the death of a relationship you shared with another person (I like to believe it’s like a third person – there’s you, him, and then the “us”) – the “us” has died. Usually in terms of breakups we lack the hope of resurrection. I always force the hope of friendship – I think that’s my way of having a resurrection of sorts, and after all, there’s the hope of a new “us” with another “him.” But the scriptures said it is okay to weep for death. We all fear the time we will be sad, but since death is inevitable wouldn’t it be better to just accept it and give yourself permission to weep? Just have to be sure you have a hope of the resurrection. Now don’t get me wrong out there in blog land – I’m not going through any breakup – I was just wondering about the fears that creep up in relationships and how to distinguish between those feelings to find truth.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Swimming 101 (Bridget)

Ok, for the last few days have been thinking of getting offline...for a rest...truth is I have gotten a bit obsessive lately about the checking of the email..and have crossed the line from hoping that I find a juicy morsel on line to..Dammit,I must find a guy if the intensity and frequency I logged on with would account for something...all it accounted for is that many times a day I am shamed by my overzealous behavior I deleted my profile...i know it won't be for good, but my goal is to be offline for 6 months. I've had this goal before, mind you, and the most i have made it is a couple, but this time, I'm really thinking it will do me good to take a break. The decision to go offline came immediately after chatting online with some guy that said he was a model as a youth...i was suspect...because he didn't really look like he would be picked for that profession...I asked him what kind of modeling he did..and he proceeded to ask me to keep in mind he was a convert to the LDS church when he was 21...(uh this guy going to be weird...well I was already getting the vibe, that in fact he was,most of the time you can tell, or I definitely can,at least thats one thing online has taught me to trust that innervoice that is screaming at you to stop and turn away, anyway I digress) So he says that he modeled jockey underwear,briefs etc. etc..) but then he proceeds to tell me that he in fact developed early at 9...HUH? what kind of uninformed male thinks that this is appropriate fodder for online discussions...i told him quickly and politely(cuz that's how I roll) thank you and good night. I then swiftly deleted my profile. Deleting is more final...can't just go back and was just what i needed to get me over the proverbial hump, climb over the proverbial fence of whether I should stay online or not. I want to focus on life right now..without the daily reminder (albeit illusionary) that I am lacking..and forever obsessingly searching for this man that i am to meet... There's so many other things to obsess about...and I'm going to find them... My bloggings may be about my obsessing about these other things...i'll let you know when I find them. I made a deal with Heavenly Father that this next 6 months is going to be about living life...not searching for something that I don't have...but cultivating the great relationships I do have..especially the one with myself..because to be quite frank it can be quite lacking..i'm not really my own best friend, I can be quite nasty and derogatory in regards to this is going to be my focus...for the next 6 months and I told Him that he would need to do the rest..if it be His will..cuz i'm tired..of searching and the feeling that i'm treading water..i want to swim...

Monday, December 8, 2008

Message in a bottle (Bridget)

I think you're right about blockage, Leah. We all have it...even marrieds...i guess personally i get really frustrated knowing that the blockage is there...because in my mind its "blocking" me from my life i'm supposed to have...supposed to have? well I guess not,because in reality I don't have it. A lesson i am currently learning. I am living the life that i'm supposed to have...because it is. And gosh isn't that a more peaceful feeling, I am living the life I am supposed to have, as opposed to what I have told myself on so many levels, I am not living the life I was meant to have. I do believe that self reflection helps us to process.. and what a true and beautiful concept that we're able to see ourselves through others. I am a great believer that the people we are closest to are our mirrors..the more we know them the more potential we have to perhaps reflect off them. I was talking with my roommate yesterday about fear, and how it causes us to freeze and perhaps put off the stuff that can sandblast through the blockage. Its easier to hang on to illusions about how we are, who we're with...illusions that by nature skew reality...and therefore keep us safe and I dream of Jeannie's bottle...(I would've loved to live there..all those lush pillows...lots of silky softness ...very safe and cozy...but not reality..just stuck in a bottle. The safety and coziness, so tempting..just like the illusion.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Blockage (Leah)

Bridgett - thank you for posting! I've been wanting to post this weekend, but last night it was late and I really like my bed. Then this evening, as I was thinking of how to say some of the things I wanted to say, I decided to read everything I've posted. Um, hind sight is an amazing thing. It's a bit odd going back over your past thoughts. Not that my core beliefs have changed much, but perspective works some wonders.

Bridgett, as I was reading your post I thought of the word "blockage." I was discussing dating with a guy in his 20's - like he knows anything - and he said singles these days have blockage. He was actually talking about his own peer group. Hmm, maybe he does know something. Maybe we're all alike in the end. I do think those married ward people have a lot of the same issues (blockage) that we do. But anyway, back to the thoughts I had in response to Bridgett's post. I participate in a wonderful discussion group with a few women - we call it "vision group" - we work on achieving visions. We've discovered that part of the good we gain from meeting is that we have safe honest friends with whom we can address some of our blockage. Life is a process and requires much self reflection. If you can get it out of online dating, carry on. I get a lot of it out of teaching. I read a passage from Julius Caesar this week where one guy is trying to be a "mirror" to another guy. In truth, he's being manipulative and is not a true mirror - but he says one true statement - about how you can never really see yourself for what you really are. You need to trust friends to show you what you're like - to be your mirror. I think blockage is processed and removed through some good self reflection. Maybe reading old posts will count.

I hereby vow to practice what I preach. Ha! No really, I intend to love freely and focus more on my relationship with God. Today's testimony meeting was really good. I'm inspired to do more to build my personal relationship and get to know my Savior as a friend that can be trusted - as He really is that. The atonement is good for the remission of sins, healing hearts, and removing blockage. If some behavior you have is not drawing you closer to the Savior (i.e. leaves you discouraged and hopeless) then I say quit it.

And Bridgett - about the "when it's right it's right" thing - I agree. Trouble is, you won't always know until there's some hind sight. Keep processing, keep reflecting, keep believing.

You've Got Mail(Bridget)

So, when I was on my mission in England long time of the most exciting times of day was the time the post man came to drop off the mail. Then, the mail we received was representative of love and support from home, from family and friends, and perhaps even a connection to ourselves,our self we left back at home. Now, fifteen years later,I find myself going to my laptop to see what kind of emails I have received, with the same hope. Every morning and evening, wondering if perhaps my one and only has sent me an email, he noticed my profile, he thinks I'm beautiful, he relates to a lot of things I've said, and he lives within twenty miles away and would like to meet and get to know eachother...the rest is history, we marry, we have a baby or two ( at least one at this point would be so welcome)and we become best friends and lovers,our bond growing stronger and more magical every year. Not too much to ask for? I don't think so, and I'm willing to wait for the relationship that can foster this kind of bond. Do I think that this will come from online dating sites? I don't know. Many times I find myself wondering if the logging onto the computer,hoping for this life changing email is more of a hindrance than a help? Because, along with the hope, comes a little sting of disappointment when there is no email, or there is an email,but its absolutely positively not the man that is going to be my one and only. (Thanks for the interest though,i'm flattered) Sometimes I think it would be a lot healthier for me if I erased my profile and stopped the antics, which sometimes feel to me like little more than trying to control something that just isn't controllable...the timing of when I will be ready to welcome the love I want into my life. And when the man that is going to give it is ready to give it. I'm on the fence right now...I am almost ready to just stop the online madness and perhaps live my life with hope, but eliminate the stings of disappointment,because maybe the online stuff is more of an illusion that I'm doing something, at least i'm out there in some sort of way...i don't know, I'm not sure...whether i'm online or not, I ultimately believe that when its right,its right...and it will manifest..any opinions?

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Everything's going to be all right(Bridget)

So much of my life I am finding are moments filled with worry,with anxiety..with focus on what is not yet in my life. Finding a husband has become a life long filled with sadness, frustration, and angst. Today I took a drive as I do mostly every Sunday. I took the time to talk to my Father in Heaven. I told Him that if I could be told by someone who REALLY knows, from exact knowledge, that everything is going to be ALL RIGHT I could then LET the anxiety GO. I am going to be ALL RIGHT. Maybe then, if I was told by someone I trust, someone I know, I would believe it and would be able to focus on all of the other wonderful things in my life. My nephew and nieces, the exquisite joy of being their Aunt. The blessing that I have of living in a state that I absolutely love. The reality that I am on the path to becoming what I was put on this earth to do, help people through therapy find answers for themselves to enrich their lives. The amazing family I have been blessed with. The friends that share my life more than anyone else in my life...who share much of my outlooks and perspectives. This amazing world that I live in, with so many special experiences in store, necessary experiences. I made a goal today to work on my heart, so that it will be soft enough, and will garner the amount of trust needed, and will be open enough to hear Him when He tells me, "Everything's going to be all right"

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

MorMan? (Lorelai)

Just recently I had a conversation with a friend of mine concerning non-member guys. It was an interesting conversation. We both had experiences that bred the conversation.

Not long ago I was at the grocery store with DK we were in the chips section because DK is very fond of all things salty. And I smiled at the very decent looking man walking past. He smiled back. Later we were near the dairy and I see said man again and give him a bold, bright smile. I read in a book that you can find people even in grocery stores, even with your kid in tow. The guy smiled. In his cart three massive cases of Coors. Now he did not approach me or ask for my number but what if he had?

So on to the next experience. My friend, let’s call her Temple (as in Shirley) went to an all day self defense class. She met this really nice guy, dreads and all. The thing is that he approached her. He was nice and she used the word engaging in conversation. She said nearing the end of the day she felt that if she had put out a minuscule amount of effort he would have asked for her number but she did not because he is obviously not a member. And now that Temple is home without any method of communicating with this guy she regrets. Ok regret is probably too strong a word but feels disappointed. He was nice, socially capable, good looking, interesting and more important interested in her. To top of the conversation we had just spoken with a very well respected man who had joined the church many years ago for his then girlfriend. The man has a solid testimony and is honestly one of the most amazing people that I know.

So what am I trying to say here? I have no idea. I have never been one to tote the idea that dating non members is a good idea but my friend really wishes he had given that guy her number. What do you think?

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Rejection Sucks (Marnie)

Satan is pretty clever. He goes for our weaknesses and our biggest insecurities. He knows when and where to hit us when we are down. For me, it’s keeping the belief that some man will really want to keep me for “time and all eternity.” It still fathoms my mind that someone would really want to stay with me for that long. These many years I’ve been working on faith and believing that in fact someone will. Heck, I’ve had guys I can’t stand ask me out and even one have revelation for me that we should be “together forever.” So I know it’s possible. I guess it’s that I don’t think a guy I care and love will want me back. And really, do I have any proof that one guy will? If I did, I’d be married, wouldn’t I? See the conundrum??

When I was seeing The One, we once talked about dating. Some girl he dated for a few weeks told him she didn’t want to see him anymore. He was bummed about it. When he ran into her a few weeks later, she asked if he was still mad at her. He responded with, “no, why should I be mad? You didn’t want to go out with me. So what! I’m not going to take it personally, it’s just the way it is.”

See, this is where men and women are vastly different. The One took the rejection as a fact of life and was in no reflection to him or his personality, looks, humor, or quality of a human being. She didn’t want him. So what? There were other girls that would want him (like me for instance).

Yet, my latest rejection has left me with constant inter-reflection of what went wrong: why did he suddenly loose interest? He liked me before…or did he? What is it that is so wrong with me that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore? Am I not pretty enough? Funny enough? Smart enough? Domestic enough? Spiritual enough? Too loud? Too insecure? Not adventurous enough? The list can go on and on and on if I let it.

The fact of the matter is: it’s over. Analyzing it to death won’t bring the relationship back. And I don’t really want it back. The last thing I want to do in this world is be with a man who doesn’t appreciate me for all my positives AND negatives.

So why can’t I be more like The One and just let it go? Just let it be? Just move on and say, “well, he isn’t the right guy for me, so who’s next?”

Well, I tell you why! I’m letting my weaknesses and fears keep me from seeing this logically and practically and letting my emotions – my very irrational emotions - keep me down.

Thus, I’ve decided that I’m not letting those fears that creep up to the surface that I constantly have to squash – and some days I do it better than others – get the best of me! This isn’t a contest to see if I can convince a man to love me. It’s about finding a man that will love me for who I am - of his own free will. I keep forgetting that! So when a man doesn’t want to keep me, it’s not really MY fault. In actuality, I didn’t fail at anything! He just isn’t the right one.

And the truth is, that’s his loss! Because I’m REALLY funny….

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Game Playing (Leah)

Last night I visited with a friend who really likes a guy I'll call Joey. She's gone out with him for about four months, with off and on intensity. She'd like to be exclusive and they've talked about it, but he wants to date other people. (HOW MANY TIMES WILL I HEAR THIS?) Sorry, but that seems to be the rule for guys our age these days. Anyway, the interesting thing is that she really sees some great things in Joey. She thinks the world of him. She sees a side to him that most people don't. Isn't that how it always is when we fall in love? I know Joey, I think he's a good guy, but certainly not someone I'd ever want to get involved with - he has baggage you might say. Anyway, another girl-friend of mine had the opportunity recently to go out with Joey. She didn't not look forward to the date and had further proof after the date that she had no interest in him at all. His baggage was plenty apparent to her. But my friend from last night, she can see all that baggage but she also sees beyond it. In fact, she mentioned that she wishes he could show his truer self more often in public instead of the side that repels so many women. What just kills me about this situation is how lucky stinkin' Joey is to have my friend be able to see his full being and love him for it all. Why oh why does he insist on dating other women who would really rather not spend any time with him? He's only hurting himself. Why does he not see it? Why are we so blind in our own dating situations? I have no solutions, just frustration. Sorry. I told the friend last night she needs to make a concious effort to look elsewhere and WANT to date other men - for her sanity, as backup, and as part of the game. He apparently gives her a lot more attention when she gives him distance. He's classic "game" material. Anyway, I quoted her some of the wisdom I've been learning - how she needs to have faith that he will become the good man she deserves or some other man who does meet her needs will come into her life. She should not settle for the games this guy is playing - that automatically lessens his worth.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

as of today (scully)

So after a few weeks back with Shep, things started creeping (okay not really creeping as much as barging in and pouncing) in that reminded me why we broke-up oh those many moons ago. Just for one example: when we went to dinner last week after discussing the menu and making choices, I left to go get us a table and utensils. When he brought the food there was only one order. His order. He didn't get that anything was wrong with this until I asked, "So where's yours?". To which he replied, "Oh! Did you … want …?". Now let me just say that if other big/important things were in place this could be viewed as quirky if not endearing on some level. It wasn't. Fortunately, we were able to have a long, open and honest discussion at the end of the evening that went much better than I had hoped. We came to an understanding, I love yous were said, and we were able to get back to where we were before deciding to give the possibility of marriage another shot.

The result of this for me has been surprising. It hasn't been discouraging in any way. In fact I've never been more happy to be single. I'm so happy I'm not married to him or any other person that marriage would not work with! I'm also very happy that I've maintained the friendship with him. It also made me appreciate Rod and I'm also very happy to have maintained that relationship and also happy not to be married to him. Like joyfully grateful.

I also got back in touch with my first date in high school this week. Where I come from asking someone to a dance in high school is a big production. This usually involves puzzles left on doorsteps, the discovery of live goldfish in your tub, and the like. To ask me to the homecoming dance Bob (as in Bob Dylan) stole a bus stop sign off the street wrote on it and left it with a tape recorded song about it on my doorstep. He and his best friend were our class hippies. Clean cut though they were. He was sensitive and sweet and went into a trance to try and contact Buddha at dinner before the dance. He was the first guy to hold my hand. It was so sweet to see him again. He hasn't changed except now his receeding hair is to his shoulders and he has a sweet wife and, I think, seven kids. What a divine soul he is and, again, how blessed and joyful I've felt to know him.

I've been so blessed. As of today (check watch) I'm very grateful for my life and where I am and the men I have been blessed to have in it. Is it possible I could stay in this state of gratitude and appreciation like forever? I really hope so.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Agency (Leah)

Marnie's post got me thinking about some of my past break-ups. One in particular, about 6 years ago, taught me to appreciate agency. He was a big fan of it. His father was not a member of the church, and despite both sons going on a mission and the family being active for 20 years, the father continued to choose to not be baptised. As a son he learned to respect his father's decision and not take it personally. When this same guy chose to not commit to me I was sad for months. I held on thinking/hoping he'd change his mind. He got married to someone else about a year later, but it took some serious self asserting action on my part to get over him. I had relied on him in many ways, and couldn't imagine not telling him everything that passed through my heart and mind. That dependence on him lasted about 5 months after our breakup. One fast Sunday I was reading a newspaper article about getting your children off TV. I realized that one reason I fast is to give me a healthier appreciation for food. To gain a healther perspective on TV the article suggested going on a fast. I realized that I needed to get off my dependence of this guy so I made myself go on a fast. I started treating him with the cordial (warm but not too warm) affection of an acquaintance. This was a really hard adjustment for me. Actually, first I went on a total fast for a week where I didn't speak to him at all. Then I was able to have a more balanced relationship. I tried this with the last Phil I dated and it really helped me get over him. Anyway, that's another lesson in dating I learned.

What I really wanted to share was the lesson I learned about agency. Since this guy exercised his agency by not dating me I did some major pondering. I realized that the greatest gift God has given us is our agency. We can choose to be a part of His family or not. We can choose to have access to His power or not. We can choose to be happy. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to not be a victim (had done that plenty of times in the past and there's no point in going there again). So I decided to do what he was doing. I decided to use my agency. I began on a daily basis to choose to have a full and meaningful life. I examined all the things in my past that had given me meaning and happiness. I tried to fill my life with more of that - basically doing things that were challenging and self affirming. I chose to not take the break-up as a personal insult. I chose to see it as him doing what felt right for him, just as I have to choose what feels right to me. If I want my agency I need to allow others to have theirs. I chose to refocus my relationship with him and find balance. I chose to tell myself that there was at least one great man out there that would love my quirks and love to be loved by me, and I would meet him some day. If this were testimony meeting I'd bear my testimony about the gift of agency. This is a power beyond belief. I will always love that guy and cherish our time togther for the lesson he taught me about agency. I even wrote a long series of poems that were inspired by that relationship. Maybe some day I'll post them here!

Friday, November 14, 2008

Break up and Recovery (Marnie)

Awhile ago, I was running to my car from my house when I tripped and fell. It was raining hard, and I was trying to avoid as many raindrops as possible. So I jumped off my front step and misjudged the circumference of my skirt which tripped me. Needless to say, I fell hard on my hands and knees. It surprised me as much as it hurt me.

My first reaction was to start bawling. It was a Monday morning and it was after a rough weekend and it just seemed too much. I eventually picked myself up and went back inside to fix my wounds and get the leaves out of my jacket. I felt foolish, clumsy and stupid for misjudging something I was so confident in. Plus, it hurt like the dickens and I suffered the consequences of that action for days with bruises and sore knees.

I haven't admitted to it yet, but I started dating Mr. Click a while back. Like his name indicated, we clicked well. I've never had such a great first date! (And I've been on a lot of them in my time.) It was a great experience and I enjoyed being with him every second. Sure, I had my moments of doubt and was unsure as to what was going on, but overall, I had a blast.

But we broke it off. I'm not going to say why or go into details because it's not important. Mr. Click still doesn't know about this website (which is why I never said anything about him). But I can tell you that the end was unexpected for me and I have felt some of the same feelings I felt when I fell down on that rainy, miserable day...foolish, clumsy and stupid for misjudging something I was starting to feel confident in.

Let me sum up some of my current raw emotions:
EMOTION #1: I'm missing him terribly. We had become close friends and I felt like I could trust him without judgment. He is a GREAT guy and still is. He was my equal and let's be honest - we often don't get to date our equal. So the loss of him is much bigger than just some random cute guy I casually dated for awhile.

EMOTION #2: Loss of a real potential. Although at first I wasn't really into him, I gave it time and realized he had a lot of the characteristics I was looking for. We were really compatible but still had some differences to shake things up. And now that potential is completely gone. I feel like I'm on the board game of Chutes and Ladders. I almost won the game to a real committed relationship (and I'm NOT even talking about marriage - just a dating relationship!) but instead I landed on the space with the huge chute that goes all the way back to the beginning of the game. I'm starting over from scratch. AGAIN!

EMOTION #3: I feel betrayed. By him, by God. Of course I'm just putting blame wherever I can because that's how I work. It's completely irrational and I don't REALLY believe it deep down inside. And really it is no one's fault. It just is. But I want to make sense of it all, so blaming someone else for a relationship not working out is just natural for me - although very destructive thinking.

EMOTION #4: I feel rejected. Ok, you figured it out, I liked him a LOT. And that wasn't enough for this relationship. I'm now looking at myself and wondering what's wrong with me? Why can't I get ONE man on this blasted earth to want to be with me longer than a few months?? Am I that unlovable? Yeah, that's more destructive thinking that's got to stop.

EMOTION #5: I want to run and hide. After spending some time with him, I made a decision and took a risk. I opened my heart to him and cared for him. And because it has ended, I feel like I never want to do it again! Why risk it when you just get rejected?? Why go that extra mile if you just end up all alone and hurting? It makes me never want to trust a man again. Although if I want to get where I want to go, I've GOT to get over that!

EMOTION: #6: I'm feeling stupid. I made mistakes which is natural for a human being - especially one with as little experience in relationships as me. I've been thinking of things I should or shouldn't have done - like they would somehow have kept this all from happening. Yep, more destructive thinking that I just have to let go.

EMOTION #7: Sometimes, I just feel like crying. I can't even put my finger on the exact emotion that is causing that cry. I guess I don't have to label it. It just needs to get out of me and I do believe it will help with the healing.

Now, this isn't my first breakup. Getting over the love of my life (aka "The One") was so hard I thought I would die. And I am in no way in that position. I think the difficulty with this break up is that I have been working hard to envision me being married. I've felt more ready to be in a relationship than ever before. I was on a roll! I was gaining momentum! I was doing things COMPLETELY different from before - big scary stuff that I've never attempted. Things that I was proud of for conquering - all appearing to pay off!! And because it was so different, I let myself think that it could very well be a relationship that for once would actually stick.

Silly girl!

I had to re-read my last few blog posts to remind myself of my past answers to prayers and to start getting my hope back. Although my emotions make me want to believe some lies and completely irrational thoughts, I do believe everything will be ok in the end. I will survive! I will move on! I will break through and make it so these emotions will become less and less on my mind and in my heart. And I will be able to trust a man again and be ready for another risk. I WILL GET MARRIED!!! If anything I'm in a much better place to deal with this than in the past. Since June - even before I started dating Mr. Click - it has been my goal to work on the one relationship I have complete control over - my relationship with God. He is constant. He will never leave me. And He will help me. He has a real plan for me and all of this stuff makes sense to him. I just have to remember that and trust Him.

And I do believe all the sacrifices and efforts in improving my prayers and taking more time to read and ponder the words of God and his prophets has given me the reserve of strength to not hide away and fall back to where I was before. I refuse to loose that momentum! I will get back out there as soon as I'm able! It will hurt - oh, it will hurt - but I can't let those emotions keep me from being the adult I need to be.

And an adult picks herself back up after she falls down hard on the cement in the pouring rain. She brushes herself off, cleans up her wounds, dries her tears and walks, limping a little, but making it to her next destination.

"Sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can fall together." Marilyn Monroe
I'm really counting on that...

Thursday, November 13, 2008


You know, if sex and money weren't issues in marriage I could have had this figured out long ago.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Taking Control (Bridget)

This weekend I took my fate into my own hands. I was sitting here doing a paper for one of my psychology courses. I had talked to a guy that I had been emailing for a while from online. We hadn't met yet. We talked about what we were doing later that evening. Both he and I did not have plans. I thought to myself, this would be a perfect time for him to suggest we meet. He didn't. I, being a traditional sort of girl did not suggest we get together...ok it could be because I am chicken...but whatever. We hung up and I went on with my afternoon of finishing my paper. About six I got restless. My roommates were gone. The house was empty and it was a Saturday night, almost a transgression to be sitting home...a vital 37 year old single woman in the happening state of California. I had also talked to GSE earlier that day and thought, wow that would be super cool if he could come over to watch a movie....we'd have the t.v. all to ourselves...i then went about doing something that I have come to know as a move that just really seems on the surface as if I am making a move, when in reality not so much..i called his home phone, in which empirical evidence has shown in the past, he doesn't answer much. I told myself if he answered then I would ask him over, if he didn't I wouldn't and I wasn't going to leave a message. Well GSE didn't answer. I sat there looking at my cell phone..ok ....lets think about this...girl home alone on a Saturday....know boy from internet is also home alone on Saturday....should girl call him and point out the obvious...why don't we get together and see if there is any potential to go onto the next step. Ok, here goes...dialing...beep beep beep...boy answers. Girl says, thought it would be a great night to meet perhaps for dessert later...boy was a little taken aback but said yes. Boy and girl enjoy seasonal pumpkin cheesecake at Cheesecake Factory....sparks flying? no, not for girl...but boy has called three times since...girl is proud of herself for taking her life into her own hands...much better than staying home when restless...girl looking forward to next boy and next piece of cheesecake.

crossing to safety (scully)

I was in the book store the other day in a rush looking for a birthday gift for a friend when I noticed a guy sitting behind one of the shelves. I thought he looked familiar—like someone I had dated in college. But this guy had totally grey almost white hair. Then he started speaking and I knew it was him. Zoinks! This was one of the few straight men at that point in my life who I got was actually attracted to me. He scared the hell out of me. He told me I was pretty. He was cute and clever. He was "yellow" I was "blue". I also remembered that I was extremely bugged by how he was unprepared for a date we went on once. If I don't get that a guy knows where he's taking me, how much money he needs, and what we'll do when we get there I get extremely peeved! This has not changed in the 15+ yrs since I went out with this guy. The same thing happened just this weekend. I think I have "Needs to be provided for and protected!" silk screened on my compass. If that's not heeded, I feel an overwhelming need to change course. I used to feel bad about that. Really bad. Not so much anymore. It's a need. A righteous desire if you will that I can't shake no matter how hard I try. Googley-eyed love does not conquer all. The ability to provide and protect is probably one of my #1 turn ons these days. A part of me wanted to talk to my grey haired college flame. I wanted to see how life had treated him. I watched him for a minute as he interacted with who I assumed were his two boys. I started down the "what if" road a bit. Then checked my compass and my watch and went on my way out the door.

Safe (Leah)

In my history of dating I think it's safe to say I'm often attracted to men that are pretty safe in their walls of self defense. Safe in the sense that they aren't risk takers. They are mild mannered and very easy going, kind and generous, but risk takers - not exactly. Trouble is I tend to be a bit impatient and impetuous. I take risks - not because I'm brave, as much as because I'm careless. I don't necessarily "throw myself at them" but I do fully invest my heart in the relationship and hope for the best and try to push them forward, probably faster than is wise. They eventually call uncle and break up with me. I am like a teenager - a false sense of being indestructible. You'd think that after 30+ years and a handful of heartbreaks I'd be more careful, but no. I seem to have learned that heartbreaks don't kill. Maybe I just forget. This time around, though, I think I'm being much more careful. I'm just curious, though, if my attraction to the "safe" guys is my way of being safe as well. Probably. Then I'm not the scared one, he is. I'm not the slow indecisive one, he is. When I push and he breaks it off then it's his fault, not mine. I like my new "careful" style. I like taking this one slow. I like feeling safe. (Don't tell - I'm starting to get a bit impatient, though!)

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Just Call Me Lorelai

Cast of characters:

Me: Lorelai, I am a 33 year old divorcé with a 5 year old son, DK or in other words the Dark Knight, he loves Batman with a passion and sleeps every night with a black teddy bear named Bruce Wayne. Graduated from Indiana University (Go Hoosiers!) and then moved to Utah. My siblings followed me out here and I found I had no reason to return to the Midwest.

Buck: The first guy I ever “dated”

Charming: The amazing wonderful talented guy that got away or I got away from …

Gap: my ex-husband

Parsley: my best friend and will be often referenced

Dating History:

I would never consider myself a ‘dater.’ I dated (note past tense) but even back in my high school/college days I was not avid. I think I was more of the dreaded “hanger outer” and because of that lack of education on how to date; being thrust back into the dating world has been a challenge. I have dated since my divorce but mostly I have been driving around with my taxi light off (so says Parsley). But the closed door attitude has begun to change. I have even been practicing, smiling and talking to men!

A bit about me:

When I am not in the blogosphere I like to play with DK. Mostly we like to play at Liberty Park or get down with the Wii our favorite game is Lego Star Wars. I love to read, mostly fantasy or a good cozy mystery. I am an aspiring novelist. I love board games and playing cards and I enjoy taking walks especially in the mountains. I like to be able to do things while talking, so those kinds of activities appeal to me. I dislike traveling but I would love to see faraway places looking forward to the whole beam-me-up-Scottie thing so I can have my cake and eat it too.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Living Life (Leah)

Years ago, and a few Phils ago, I was struck by a talk President Monson gave in conference. What amazes me is that it seems he keeps giving the same talk over and over. Really. I'm nearly positive that I have either heard or read him saying that we need to learn from the past, plan for the future, and live in the present. Back when I first heard it the Phil I was with was causing me some stress. He was moving soon and wasn't a big believer in long distance relationships. (Now that I've tried my share I may agree with him!) Anyway, I was really struggling with living in the moment and enjoying what I had with him. I think this is a real challenge for everyone - probably since the prophet spoke about it a few times it can't just be for us singles - but I feel like it is my personal mountain to climb. I must learn that God loves me enough to bless me with meaningful moments - ones that confirm his love for me, teach me valuable lessons, or are just plain enjoyable. When I get over booked and run ragged I remember that slowing down at least mentally might be good. Taking a minute to breathe and enjoy at least the panic of the moment I am in - that might be beneficial. So that's my goal lately. Phil or no Phil, work or no work, friends or no friends, it's all good.

Okay, I'm done rambling. Just felt the need to post and that's what came out.

All Bark and No Bite (Lorelai)

It is easy to talk big to tell your friends, your family, and your mother that you are back in the game. But when it comes right down to it, talking is way easier than doing. This may be true of many things, going back to school, getting the drivers license renewed on time, cleaning out a closet. I plan on doing it at some point and I talk about it but actually doing it is something else.

So I have talked a lot about this whole dating thing to friends and family (and yes even my mother – honestly what was I thinking her hopes are up, way up! Poor sweet wonderful woman). I have done a lot of talking but not so much doing. On Halloween I decided to do some ‘doing’ and went to a very fun party, costume and all, but once I got there I felt completely out of my element. Fortunately I had friends there that kept me smiling but interacting, talking to people (especially men) that I don’t know is way harder than I remember. So is it harder or am I just that out of practice?

I have been pondering that question for the past few days. And I decided that the answer is yes to both. Not only was I married for five years but after my divorce almost four years ago I have pretty much avoided men. I am out of practice.

The yes answer to the other half of the question was a bit more problematic because is it harder? Is it more difficult to meet men, talk to men, and get asked out on a date? Or is it me being closed (even though I say I am open?). The rules of this game have changed and I didn’t get the updated manual. I honestly feel like an innocent bystander watching a game from the stands that got thrown in for the big play. Throw me back in the stands. I don’t want to try! A stubborn internal battle is going on, one part of me says if it ain’t broke don’t fix it; stay home, be a mom don’t worry about this at all. But then there is this other part of me that says you have to try. You have to because that part of me wants to be in a loving relationship where we can face daily joys and challenges together.

So today I am feeling a little bit like I am all bark and no bite. I am not giving up, I just got started. But today, just today, I think I will hang out on the side lines.

Friday, October 31, 2008

short but sweet (scully)

So I had dinner and a screening of Wasp Woman with Shep last night. Luckily, more moves were made and a talk was had. Long and short of it, I think we're giving this another try. At one point we bore our testimonies to each other which I've never done with a man I've dated before. (Which is kind of sad when you think about it.) That was very powerful to me. So time will tell, but I'm feeling good about it:)

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Keeping the Faith (Marnie)

Have you ever had a time in your life when you were doing really well again? You had just come out of a tough experience (or experiences) and were starting to gain momentum? You were thinking, "OK! I've endured that, and I lived through it!" And then suddenly you find yourself in another problem - harder than before! It's like having the wind knocked out of you.

I know. I hate it when it happens to me too! And I find it's hard to keep the faith and have a positive attitude when you are in the midst of another hard time.

A friend sent a link to an article that talked about our relationship with God. And this quote is so true to how I think sometimes:

"Too often we create and want a god who demands nothing of us, protects us against all disappointment, tramples the agency of others so we may never be hurt by them, arranges life so that we must never stretch beyond where we are, instead of worshiping the loving, powerful God who sees all and promises that all things in their time will work together for our good if we just hold on with faith and trust in Him."

Maurine Proctor, "Pouting Before the Lord"

This quote describes how I have felt in the past - OK, maybe even yesterday! Why can't I just trust God??? I mean, out of all the people I know, shouldn't HE be the one true person that knows what's best for me?? Yet still I doubt him whenever it gets tough or when things don't go my way! And I have even gotten mad at him for letting these problems happen to me.

The eternal perspective is so hard to keep concerning life here on earth. Everything around us is temporary and the world's philosophy is all about "what I want RIGHT NOW." So it makes sense that it would sneak into our daily lives and make us confused and forget the real reasons we are on earth - 1) to get a physical body and 2) to be tested with different life situations to see what we will do and what we will get out of those experiences. That's the core of it. But we are also to be happy along the way...(" are that they might have joy" 2 Nephi 2:25)

So how do we go through what is expected to be some "hard times" and be happy with it? Well, I'm not sure I know exactly how to do that. I know the Sunday School answers are all about service and being grateful for what you have. And I believe that they do help in getting outside of yourself and seeing the forest from the trees.

But I also believe stopping and looking around you - right in the middle of your problem - and trying to see the bigger picture. If I can keep my perspective, things seem less tragic and disappointing. But it's hard. VERY hard. When I can do it though, it helps me see the light at the end of the tunnel faster, because I'm actually looking up - instead of down, crying in self-pity.

Lately, my goal has been to be an "adult." The kind of adult that we all thought we would grow up to be and that we thought all grownups were. The kind of adult where you think through things FIRST before you say or do anything. The kind of adult where you try to think rational thoughts instead of letting emotions take you to some new level of absurdity. (Can you tell I can be a drama queen at times???) The kind of adult that you wish the TV character would be when someone is possessed and starts saying really crazy hurtful things to those they love. (You know, like on Charmed, when one of the sisters goes crazy and says she hates the other two and points out all of their failings and problems. And you think, "DUH! It's so obvious!! She's possessed by a troll!! It's not really her!"). I can't tell you how cool that would be! Not being possessed by the troll - but being the adult...a real, live, mature adult.

I guess it's about maturity. And in relationships, sometimes I come off so short in my reactions to what life throws me. And really, the situation needs some maturity to deal with it properly and to keep things in perspective.

I'm kind of rambling, but that's what has been on my mind lately. So my new goal? Start actually believing that God does know what's best for me and being mature enough to deal with what happens like a real adult.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

A Whole New World (Lorelai)

Our second guest blogger- this is great!

Hi, I am Lorelai guest blogger. Here is my story: I was cruising along thinking I had found my prince and then slam things changed and I found myself bouncing in a lifeboat through an ocean of uncertainty. Where had the fancy cruise with endless buffets of yummy food gone?

As I was out there alone in the darkness of anger and hurt I felt like I wanted a big pity party in my honor. I had done all the right things and look where it landed me. But clinging to bitterness and defeat is just not in my nature. I did not date at all for about a year and then hesitantly tried to get back in the game.

I have dated one good man and one not so good and gone on several one-time dates but realized recently that I am sitting at home with the lights turned off. You know when Halloween night you run out of candy and instead of making a late night run to the store you just turn off the porch light. The thing is that I have been willing in theory but not in practice. So what does it take to brave the dating game? To be vulnerable AND to trust that it will be different this time? For everyone the answer must be different but for me it was my son.

I was getting pretty content living alone, doing things my way. It was easy; hard in many aspects but easy on the heart. Having a loving five year old tell you that you are beautiful does wonders for the soul. But one day he told me he wanted to buy a brother because in Primary they talked about families and he wants a brother so bad he is willing to buy one because mommy you know families are forever. We talked about how buying brother was not going to happen. But it got me thinking. I had been complacent and perhaps I will not marry again but I wasn't even trying – at all. So with renewed hope, faith and a not so gentle shove from friends I am back in the game. So good luck to me and good luck to you.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Have you ever had one of these?(Bridget)

On Wednesday I saw GSE, who is someone that has been a crazy,strong force in my life for 12 years. We went to Indian, which is both of our favorites. We hadn't seen eachother in more than a year. It is complicated. Scully's post "weird dynamic" reminded me a bit of the dynamic GSE and I share. Driving to meet GSE I was aware of the butterflies in my stomach and the ever familiar giddiness I feel when I am driving towards him. I say driving, because even when I am not in a car, I am essentially driving via some emotional,physical,spiritual force towards him. Its a drive that is familiar, but is very confusing to me. My relationship with him has brought many firsts to me. He was the first man that said "I love you" to me and he was the first man that I said it back. He feels like home to me. But its a dysfunctional home. One that maybe I'm used to. One in which one is always chasing and one is always running, and vice versa. Its the moments in which we rest together and sit still for a few moments,synchronized heartbeats, that I justify my continued running. He wants to see me again this week. We have planned to see eachother on Wednesday. Its complicated...the boundaries always get skewed when we see eachother, if there were any boundaries to begin with. He still doesn't know what he wants. He asks me to tell me what's wrong with him. I tell him unapologetically, but it doesn't fix it. Now someone tell me what's wrong with me? And hopefully I can fix it.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

wierd dynamic (scully)

A guy that I dated about six years ago that I've been friends with since then came over for dinner the other night. We'll call him Shep. We established about five years ago the reasons it wouldn't work between us. Most of which I won't mention here—not wanting to betray confidences. Well, we definitely have chemistry when we're together. And he's such a good man. Seriously, without guile and always wanting to do the right thing. I could see us having a good marriage because of that. So after we had dinner and watched a great 1960s Walt Disney movie with Dean Jones/Suzanne Plechette and everything I started wondering if maybe things had changed. He made some moves that he hasn't made since about five years ago and I was struck again with how good he is. This is usually as far as it goes with him and then he seems to sabatage things and/or disappears for a while. It's like a bad accelerating/braking lesson from the football coach in high school drivers ed. Well, I figured it would do no harm at least to tell him how great I thought he was even though things could never work out so I sent him a short e-mail telling him so. He replied back saying some very nice things in a very heart felt e-mail. My hope soared, but prayed to put it out of my mind and not respond. Which didn't really work very well for the rest of the day. He called that night and we made plans for the next day. So wierd. Right after our phone conversation my excitement for the whole thing pretty much collapsed. The next day he called me at work to say he was going home sick and wouldn't be able to make it. I was not really suprised, though disappointed, and also a bit relieved all at the same time. I'm still hoping to maybe have a conversation with him about the dynamic of the whole thing. Good ol' Shep.

The Lag (Leah)

Last night was the mark of the first week that New Phil did not call to get together in the last four months. Call me silly and over analytical, but it sort of worried me. He's rather predictable and has called to ask me out, or called to spontanesouly go out for ice cream, by Wednesday at the lastest, so when Wednesdsay night came and left I felt a bit of a let down. I felt that ominous dark cloud that dating seems to always bring - the dreaded drop of interest. It didn't help that my mother called and happened to do a bit of prying and asked innocently, "Can you think of any reason he didn't call?" The very fact that something seemingly so minor could be made into such a big deal is what really bugged me the most - more than the fact that he didn't call! As one of my married friends observed, I'll never notice this one blip of a week in the eternal perspective or even the yearly perspective. And here I am blogging about it only adding to the mountain of this molehill. Silly. I think Bridgette's post was the perfect thing I needed to hear this morning. And I have to admit I had a great night last night hanging out with an old friend and taking care of some errands. I woke up in a great mood, ready for the gym, and a day of work. True I wish/hope I hear from Phil, but life is for living, not regretting.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

wherever you are, thats where you are( Bridget)

Ok, so its been kind of quiet on the western dating front. I have a couple internet meetings a-brewing, and saw my own personal Mr Big tonight for a reuniting dinner tonight after a year. So, perhaps will have more to speak of in the near future.

What I want to blog about is the trip I just went on to New York with my two brothers and one of my sisters. I had a great time, but with all of the hustle and bustle and the many, many people hustling and bustling around..i was very happy to get back to the west coast. The strong desire to get back home told me that i am in the right place for me geographically. The question I then have found myself asking is, Am I in the right place emotionally? Spiritually?

I answer this with an unequivical YES.

I read through a Depak Chopra book while in New York..he proposed that basically if we're in a situation, there is a reason and instead of wishing we were in a different place, to accept that what we are feeling, experiencing in our life at this very moment is the way that its supposed to be. A lot of anxiety in life, he noted, is the fight against the feelings that we're having, and would be diminished if we can just again, accept.

In the current theme of blogs, imaginining and seeing ourselves in the situations we would like to be in is so helpful. Saying that, there's a reason we are going through the experiences we're having...there's valuable lessons involved. The ability to accept is important to master...and to just be in the moment, because according to many wise teachers, the moment and being in it is a very important tool for joy.

Many times in the past for me , a trip to New York would be spent thinking and obsessing about the moment that I would be back at work and the moments in which I am seeing the sunset on the top of the Empire State Building, or eating the amazing chocolate cake at the delightful eatery Serendipity , or singing along to Elton John songs played by the piano man at Brandys Piano Bar would be past and lost. Never to be found again. Its in the moments girls, I feel it in my soul.

to anonymous (marcia)

Dear Anonymous,

Thank you for sharing your feelings about Marnie’s posting about Visualizing Marriage. I can feel your pain in your words and I’m so sorry you feel the way you do. I think we’ve all been discouraged at different points in our lives – I know I’ve been there more times than I care to remember.

What I love about this blog is that it forced me to get out of my comfort zone. I also love how the other writers remain hopeful and optimistic about reaching the end goal – even when the process is sometimes painful. I think everyone who is single and who wants to get married has been discouraged many times. What I’ve learned is that there really is no one right way to date or get married. What works for one person may not work for another. The point of this blog was to force us out of our comfort zone, to try things differently, to just make us accountable for getting out there and doing something…anything.

I give total credit to this blog for getting me married after 42 years. My relationship with Clue was on a path headed towards failure. We weren’t communicating, we weren’t connecting and we definitely weren’t progressing. For me, this blog helped me open up and communicate my feelings with Clue. That was all the opening we needed. In hindsight it seems so simple, but at the time it seemed so difficult and hopeless.

So my challenge for you, Anonymous, is if visualizing marriage hasn’t worked for you, try something new. Maybe you could start with Marnie’s “security guard stare” experiment. I’ve been trying that lately and it’s not always easy, but it’s something!

Hang in there Anonymous…we’re rooting for you and we’re here for you if you need a cheerleader!

Friday, October 17, 2008

Even though I'm not exactly where I want to be, I'm glad I'm not where I was (Scully)

Sorry it's been awhile, but nothing's really been happening. I've had some health and work things taking over my psyche lately.

I have had some conversations with some friends who are younger than I am who are where I once was about 7-8 years ago. Kris's last entry brought this back to mind. At this point, they're not dating and they've never been kissed. These are beautiful women in thier 30s. How do I put this . . . within the context of my perception of what a "good mormon girl" is—they are all much closer to that than I am now and will probably get to heaven quicker than I will. Having said that, I'm so glad I'm not where they are anymore! I'm so grateful to have had some experiences with men! Some good—some bad, but not all bad and in-valuable because they didn't end in marriage. Speaking to those friends I remember how confused and closed and bad I felt about myself for things that DIDN'T MATTER! I let issues that I had about my body and beauty and whether I thought God even liked me so overtake my thoughts. I'm grateful for the changes I made (including some counseling) that put me in a different place and let men into my life.

Now I'm just working on finding THE one. I haven't been very open to men in the ward in a little while. Feel like I'm maybe starting to round the bend on being too old for them or something. Online I'm having a hard time getting to the meeting in person part. Maybe I'm coming off as arrogant or something. I don't know. Seems like that has dried up a bit. Maybe some new photos. (I so hate taking those) Maybe I'll switch services for a while.

Anyway, thanks for all your latest posts ladies! Very inspiring. And congrats Marcia and Kris!

Thursday, October 16, 2008

A Change of Heart (Kris)

Leah's last post got me thinking of things I've done in the past to change my vision of myself. Through high school, college and for some time after, I was never much of a dater. I would have random dates here and there but it was rare and they never seemed to go anywhere. I didn't know why but wanted to figure it out. After a good deal of self examination and prayer, I decided that there were some things I was holding onto that were keeping walls around my heart. I couldn't even tell you then what they were, but I felt there were small passing comments from random guys, men who dated all my roommates and not me, self-talk, probably lots of things I didn't remember that had made my heart hard.

The next question was what to do about it. I felt I needed to change to have a more forgiving heart and be able to let go of everything in my past, big or small, and be open to love. I did a number of things. I fasted every Sunday to have a forgiving heart and for the ability to open my heart to others. I worked on changing my self talk about myself and men. I made an effort to have gratitude for the men who were in my life, even if they weren't asking me out, or even be grateful for the men who asked me out that I didn't find particularly desirable. I focused on changing my energy and keeping my desire in the front of my mind, for instance, I wore a necklace that had a chinese character for love on it.

It took a few months, but it worked. I've dated more since then than I have my whole life (which isn't saying a lot since I've never been a huge dater). That was six or seven years ago. I admit I went into it thinking it would bring "Mr. Right" into my life immediately, which it didn't. But I've always tried to be grateful for whatever relationship- one date, a casual boyfriend, a serious boyfriend, or even a pretty rotten boyfriend- that came my way. That seemed to help keep my heart open through it all.

I realize some of what I did will seem silly, and I'm not saying my specific experience is what anyone else should do. However, I do think the idea of honest self reflection together with prayer and a willingness to change will lead us in whatever direction that will bring us the most happiness.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Commitment (Kris)

I’ve been wanting to blog more on here, but not sure where to take the subject matter since getting engaged. I did have an interesting experience this morning that I thought I’d share. Last Spring I went on a trip to Cambodia and loved it. My good friend and her sisters are taking a similar trip in a few weeks. I called her this morning to see how the plans were progressing. She told me she was nervous and people kept telling them they were crazy to travel there just as single women. I laughed and told her I never felt like I was in any danger. As long as you’re not doing anything stupid- like playing in dark alleys or going home with a man you meet in a bar- then there is nothing to worry about.

The conversation then turned to me and my wedding plans. This is a friend I’ve known since I was about 7 years old. She knows me well and as I started rattling off wedding plans she stopped me and said, “Yes, but how are YOU, are you getting cold feet?” Ah, she knows me well. In fact, I have been scared spitless about getting married. Apparently when you’re almost 40 and still single there are possibly some phobias around commitment. Ü I proceeded to tell her how much I’ve enjoyed being single all these years. I have figured out how to be happy and on my own. Now I’m faced with heading into something I know very little about and I’m scared. Can I really be as happy or happier? And if I’m not…. then what? I’m stuck.

My friend laughed and said she is seeing a mirror of this situation and her trip to Cambodia. She called and was worried about doing something unknown and I laughed because I knew it would be OK because I’ve been there. Now I’m stressing about my unknowns and she can laugh because she’s on the other side knowing that all the bad “what if’s” are just in my head. It’s the same kind of thing- as long as I’m not going to do anything really stupid, it will all be fine. Just like her trip.

Funny- reading my post from a few weeks ago, it's pretty much the same issue. The funny part is that it felt like a revelation to me last night figuring out what has been bothering me, however, looks like it's the same issues coming up in different ways. Recognizing where it is coming from helps a lot. I'd just like to know how to get rid of it altogether. Any ideas?

Visualizing Your Way (Leah)

Okay, the anonymous response to Marnie's visualizing post got me thinking. About a year ago I read The Secret and have been big on the visualizing thing ever since. In fact, about a year before that a friend sent me an article about an older woman who exercised every day because she had a a vision of running around a park playing with grand kids she didn't yet have. Both things got me thinking about my own visions of the future. Obviously, as a single woman the big vision I had was getting married. According to the article I needed to start working backwards from the end goal. I also needed multiple routes for getting to that end goal. I put in my planner the date I envisioned wearing white in the temple with a man across the altar. I worked back from there picking a date to be engaged and then a date to be dating exclusively and then a date to actually meet the guy. Soon after creating this vision I started dating a guy I'd broken up with in the past. I had hopes he'd fit my vision. When the date came that I was supposed to meet this future husband I wasn't especially interested in meeting anyone new but I went to the scheduled activity (I put it on an FHE night since I figured single men would be there). I walked into the room and saw a group of women I didn't know and a group of men I didn't know. I breathed in and headed straight for the women, happily introducing myself. I quickly justified that if I was going to meet every guy I didn't know I might as well meet the women - you know - to be in the "meeting people zone." It helped! I was able to face the men soon after. I made a friend and a couple acquaintances. About 8 months later one of the acquaintances asked me out. He is now the New Phil I write about. I have no idea where that's going - he's been going slowly these days - but I'm still hopeful. The vision wedding date is long gone, but I have no regrets. Creating the vision and actively working on aspects of it has empowered me. I have more confidence. I can more easily see myself going on dates and having those hard conversations.

As for the vision I had when I was 14 - the one that had me in a white dress and all - well I never really lost it. I never turned my back on it. But truth be told, the older I get, the harder it is for me to really fathom the idea that it will happen. When I start dating a guy it's natural for me to start seeing and making accommodations for the inevitable break up. It's what I'm good at. I still see the white dress, but the vision I really need to work on now is the relationship getting past the slower harder awkward parts without giving up or self destructing. And for the record, I still have a hard time being able to say that I can get a guy to want to even go out with me. They ask every now and then - but really - not very often. I don't know why New Phil asked when he did (well I might - I blogged about it early on this blog), but I don't know why he keeps asking me out. It's not surprising when he doesn't call. Hurtful a bit, but it's very natural for me to go this route. I wish I could see past it. I'm working on that.

So whatever step in the vision is hard for you... figure out a way to see beyond. Look through the bedrock mountain and press forward. I've found that just my talk - the kind in my head and the kind out loud - can make a huge difference. Even when it's hard to believe I make myself say things like, "I'm in a meaningful productive relationship. Men ask me out. They enjoy my company and we have deep connections." Stuff like that. Okay, I think that's my two cents for the night.

Guest Post from Anne Elliot (the heroine in Jane Austen's Persuasion)

Yay our first guest post! Thanks Anne. Keep it coming...

From Anne:
About five years ago, a super-chic, super-cool woman a couple years older than me moved into my Midwestern ward. She was so glamorous, introduced me to Sephora and In Style Magazine, and convinced me that every year, we needed to attend at least one Single Adult activity. I had no problem going with her, because she made everything an adventure. Even when the activities featured dozens of women and 3 men. Then she moved. But I continued her challenge, considering it to be an offering on the altar of "please-don't-let-me-die-alone."

Well, these Single Adult activities usually leave me frustrated, sometimes in tears, and it gets more difficult to gird up my loins to attend them solo. There's one coming up next weekend, and I'm still on the fence about making an appearance. I can't make it to the keynote (Julie Beck!) because we are rehearsing for the Primary program, and I am the pianist. But I could make it for the workshops and—gulp—the dance.

I've been feeling like I need to make my yearly offering (it is October, after all), but I'm not sure I have the emotional strength for a conference. So when a friend asked if I'd be interested in "just emailing" someone she knew, I said sure...and let his email address sit in my inbox for a couple of days. He had my email too, and why should I be the one to write first? Wasn't that a little desperate? But then I weighed my options: attend the conference, or send an email. I sent an email.

I don't know if it will go anywhere—long distance, email-ish things have not been kind to me—but it is this year's offering. I am willing to do something, to not just wait for Heavenly Father to FedEx a decent guy to my doorstep. I took action. Again. The next step is taking more than one action a year. Hard to do in the Midwest, but is it any harder than parting the Red Sea or sending seagulls to eat up crickets? Probably not.

Monday, October 13, 2008

answer to prayer (marcia)

Just thought I’d write a little bit in response to Bridget’s last “That can’t be him” post … which I totally related to. I’m just like Bridget’s best friend. The package that Clue came in is totally different than the type of guy I’ve always dated in the past. Among other things, Clue is a recent convert and his former life is so different than mine not to mention so different than the person he is today. It boggles my mind to hear him talk about his former life (which is a testament of the atonement and the conversion process).

If you’ll recall, when we were first dating, I didn’t feel a connection. Clue also “accused” me of being emotionally unavailable. Gradually things started to change. I was starting to really fall for him but he wasn’t the type I thought I’d end up with. I was both resisting and falling in love at the same time. One night I was praying about what to do about Clue. I don’t always receive strong or immediate answers to my prayers, but that night I did. The answer was so clear that it brought tears to my eyes: “He’s what you’ve been praying for.” I was completely surprised. And then I thought long and hard about Clue. His resume looks different than what I was looking for, but I realized all the essential elements plus more are there. I'm grateful for prayer and answers to prayer since I wasn't smart enough to see that myself. From that point I tried to focus on learning from rather than worrying about our differences (and I still have to remind myself of this). The rest, as they say, is history.

Hopefully my experience helps…personally, I think you’re on to something Bridget!

Sunday, October 12, 2008

That can't be him (Bridget)

This last weekend one of my best friends came to California and I got to meet the guy that he believes he'll spend the rest of his life with. It inspired me to hear them talking about the way they met and how it just seemed to happen an. My best friend talked about how the actual package that his boyfriend came in was nothing that he had anticipated. It got me thinking again, as I have for the last few months about how important it is to be open to what package the love of our lives will come in. I know for me I have historically put requirements such as, he needs to have this sort of education level, needs to have this sort of height to weight measurements, he needs to be this nationality, no kids, never been married,or exwife is somehow out of the picture, he has to have a love for 80's synth pop (i'm not joking here) and you know how I feel about guacamole(see prior post). I've seen in myself and other women how we can be so specific about what we're willing to date, that we can limit ourselves drastically and perhaps miss the love of our lives. I've been trying very hard to be open to all possibilities..and remember it is a hard task to ultimately anticipate the minor details of the person that will be the love of our lives. I have lately tried to picture, or feel how I will be with this person in my life and how this person will make me feel. I will feel comfortable, wonderful and awe inspiring to him, while all the while being inspired to be better,and to want to grow with him. I just wonder how many times a man has walked by me, and I have turned my head because they didn't come in the package that I thought they would."That can't be him," I said to myself..

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Visualizing marriage (Marnie)

Well, we've had some great success on this blog! Congratulations to Kris and Marcia! You are true inspirations! I know I've learned a lot from your experiences and posts.

In 2003, my best friend and roommate got engaged and was going to move out. I remember distinctly one very cold morning I was walking from my car into work and pondering this huge change in her life. And I tried to put myself in her shoes and envision myself getting married: putting myself in a wedding dress, envisioning a reception...what it would look like...what HE would look like. And the harder I tried, the more I couldn't do it. I could NOT see myself being married! Since my biggest desire was to be married, it scared me to death!

When I was 16 years old, I decided I wanted to go to BYU's study abroad program in Israel. At the time it seemed SO far away and so impossible to accomplish, but it's what I wanted. And from what limited knowledge I had about Israel and the BYU center, I could envision myself being there...going to classes and seeing the country. A lot of what I pictured wasn't even close to what happened or how it really was, but I could see myself there. It was a hard road getting there (lack of money, political unrest, etc.) - but without that picture in my head, I honestly don't believe I would have gotten there and experienced the Holy Land.

So, for me not being able to even SEE myself in a wedding dress - something girls dream of since they are little - was a real wake up call!! It was then I realized I needed to change my way of thinking and envision me - as a bride, wife, and mother.

At about that time, a good friend started challenging me to "get outside of the box." Her ward was working on many things that would help them grow and change for the better. I accepted the challenge. Basically, I started doing things that scared me spit-less...blind dates/set ups, going to grad school, living by myself in my own place - there are too many to name them all here.

I also had to start putting myself in an image of marriage. Before when girlfriends would ask me about what I wanted when I did get married (dress, colors, ring etc.), I had no idea. I had put off the decisions of what it would all look like when that day came, because I just couldn't see it. I didn't understand that it was a mental block that kept me from doing so. I had to force myself to think about what I would want in a dress, a ring, colors at my wedding, where I would have my wedding and wedding reception. It actually was hard at first, but the more I applied myself to the task, the more came open to me on what I wanted. The point was not to plan it out so that 2.7 years later it would go as I had drawn out, but to "see it" all in my mind's eye and let my brain and heart accept the concept that yes, I could get married! It could happen, because I can see it!

It's an image I've had to work hard to keep in my head. I know for so many it's so easy to do, but I think fear and lack of faith - in my myself and God - really held me back for a lot of years. I'm just grateful that I at least see now what was blocking my path. Because once you see it, you can start conquering it!

And trust me, when that day arrives, I'm going to look gorgeous in my ivory, sparkly, buttons down the back, sweetheart neck wedding dress!

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

The Announcement (Kris)

I've been holding off on this post because there were a few other things I wanted to blog about before getting to this. It seems, however, that I'm not getting a lot of things these days. So... here's the big announcement...

(not really my hand or ring - protecting my not-so-secret identity - but you get the idea)

I'm giving a lot credit to the blog for this relationship. There is no way I could have been so casual and open to internet dating had I not felt like I was just doing an assignment for the blog. Plus support from fellow bloggers and tips from Bridget helped as well. It took away a lot of inhibitions. Thanks to all of you!

Let me put it out there again, if any of you want to join as a regular blogger or guest contributor let us know.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

The Game (Leah)

I have a few friends that I meet with on a regular basis to discuss all the good stuff related to the game of dating. We try to inspire each other and hold each other accountable in our efforts - kind of like this blog does. I love my "group therapy." Well a couple weeks ago I was talking to a friend and he told me about group therapy he participated in. It sounded interesting. He told me his group was going to be featured on KSL's talk show this week. I remembered to watch one segment. I liked it. I think you'll like it. Enjoy.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Inspire Me (Bridget)

Ok, so its been a long time since I blogged. Just to tell you where I'm at..i'm currently trying to figure out where I want to go for my master's/PHD. Do I want to be a Marriage/Family therapist, or do I want to go the whole route and be a Clinical Psychologist? Do I want to stay in California, or do I want to go back to Utah? I am in the middle of making many decisions. Somehow, the experiences that i've been having lately have taken much of my energy, and left nothing for blogging. I apologize.

I've had some interesting realizations lately.

1. I know the Lord send us people that help us to keep the hope alive. I met someone from an online dating site about a month ago. We talked for about a week before we met up...during the week we texted and talked on the phone a few times. It was very cool to get to know this guy. In the week of chatting, and moreso when we actually met (we had a nice time...)I just focused on having fun. I focused on being comfortable, even though I would be out of my comfort zone. In the end, we didn't have the chemistry to get to a secon dated..but I continued on with more hope that the person I'm looking for will appear at some stage of the game.

2. I know the Lord hears our prayers. And answers them when its the right time. A few weeks ago I prayed one week specifically to have a fun date, to kind of break up the monotony of life. I volunteer up at a children's hospital and many of the Saturdays i am up there, there is a really cool guy that volunteers as well. I had never looked at him as someone that I would particularly like to date. But a few days after I started praying specifically to have a fun date, he asked me if I wanted to go lunch with him after volunteering. I felt very strongly that this was an answer to my prayer. We had a great time and went to lunch another time as well. I don't necessarily think we're compatible...but I do know that my simple prayer was answered .

3. I can ultimately trust the way I feel about a situation. I can trust that things work out the way they are ultimately supposed to. I don't have to question why,or analyze why I don't want to date someone, I can learn to trust my gut feeling. Although it takes practice, to listen and hear what is going on inside of us is a great skill. Remember Dodger Guy, he was an online prospect from one of my first blogs. For some reason, the thought of actually meeting him in person made me anxious. Ultimately, I didn't meet up with him, I let him know that a long distance relationship (he lived 6 hours away,in Northern Cal) was not an option for me right now. I stressed and wondered, why can't I just go out with him and see where it goes? Why do I need to be so closed minded? I kind of stressed myself out about it. Recently I texted him to see how he was, because in the time that I talked to him, I got a sense that he was a really good guy and was genuinely wondering how he was doing. He said he had a found a wonderful woman that lived close to him, he felt he would marry her. I was happy for him. During that conversation I felt for sure that things had turned out the way they should have. I felt like my lack of inspiration to meet him, was just that, a lack of inspiration. It didn't have to say anything about my commitment issues, or social anxiety..or that I was "wasting" a chance to meet a potential husband, and I would be alone forever because of my close mindedness,or whatever else I obsessed about at that moment. Saying that, I know it is also important to make sure we are open to stepping out of our comfort zone and into the unknown when we feel inspired to. But its ok if we're not inspired...I have been since, and I will be again...