Sunday, November 30, 2008

Everything's going to be all right(Bridget)

So much of my life I am finding are moments filled with worry,with anxiety..with focus on what is not yet in my life. Finding a husband has become a life long filled with sadness, frustration, and angst. Today I took a drive as I do mostly every Sunday. I took the time to talk to my Father in Heaven. I told Him that if I could be told by someone who REALLY knows, from exact knowledge, that everything is going to be ALL RIGHT I could then LET the anxiety GO. I am going to be ALL RIGHT. Maybe then, if I was told by someone I trust, someone I know, I would believe it and would be able to focus on all of the other wonderful things in my life. My nephew and nieces, the exquisite joy of being their Aunt. The blessing that I have of living in a state that I absolutely love. The reality that I am on the path to becoming what I was put on this earth to do, help people through therapy find answers for themselves to enrich their lives. The amazing family I have been blessed with. The friends that share my life more than anyone else in my life...who share much of my outlooks and perspectives. This amazing world that I live in, with so many special experiences in store, necessary experiences. I made a goal today to work on my heart, so that it will be soft enough, and will garner the amount of trust needed, and will be open enough to hear Him when He tells me, "Everything's going to be all right"

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

MorMan? (Lorelai)

Just recently I had a conversation with a friend of mine concerning non-member guys. It was an interesting conversation. We both had experiences that bred the conversation.

Not long ago I was at the grocery store with DK we were in the chips section because DK is very fond of all things salty. And I smiled at the very decent looking man walking past. He smiled back. Later we were near the dairy and I see said man again and give him a bold, bright smile. I read in a book that you can find people even in grocery stores, even with your kid in tow. The guy smiled. In his cart three massive cases of Coors. Now he did not approach me or ask for my number but what if he had?

So on to the next experience. My friend, let’s call her Temple (as in Shirley) went to an all day self defense class. She met this really nice guy, dreads and all. The thing is that he approached her. He was nice and she used the word engaging in conversation. She said nearing the end of the day she felt that if she had put out a minuscule amount of effort he would have asked for her number but she did not because he is obviously not a member. And now that Temple is home without any method of communicating with this guy she regrets. Ok regret is probably too strong a word but feels disappointed. He was nice, socially capable, good looking, interesting and more important interested in her. To top of the conversation we had just spoken with a very well respected man who had joined the church many years ago for his then girlfriend. The man has a solid testimony and is honestly one of the most amazing people that I know.

So what am I trying to say here? I have no idea. I have never been one to tote the idea that dating non members is a good idea but my friend really wishes he had given that guy her number. What do you think?

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Rejection Sucks (Marnie)

Satan is pretty clever. He goes for our weaknesses and our biggest insecurities. He knows when and where to hit us when we are down. For me, it’s keeping the belief that some man will really want to keep me for “time and all eternity.” It still fathoms my mind that someone would really want to stay with me for that long. These many years I’ve been working on faith and believing that in fact someone will. Heck, I’ve had guys I can’t stand ask me out and even one have revelation for me that we should be “together forever.” So I know it’s possible. I guess it’s that I don’t think a guy I care and love will want me back. And really, do I have any proof that one guy will? If I did, I’d be married, wouldn’t I? See the conundrum??

When I was seeing The One, we once talked about dating. Some girl he dated for a few weeks told him she didn’t want to see him anymore. He was bummed about it. When he ran into her a few weeks later, she asked if he was still mad at her. He responded with, “no, why should I be mad? You didn’t want to go out with me. So what! I’m not going to take it personally, it’s just the way it is.”

See, this is where men and women are vastly different. The One took the rejection as a fact of life and was in no reflection to him or his personality, looks, humor, or quality of a human being. She didn’t want him. So what? There were other girls that would want him (like me for instance).

Yet, my latest rejection has left me with constant inter-reflection of what went wrong: why did he suddenly loose interest? He liked me before…or did he? What is it that is so wrong with me that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore? Am I not pretty enough? Funny enough? Smart enough? Domestic enough? Spiritual enough? Too loud? Too insecure? Not adventurous enough? The list can go on and on and on if I let it.

The fact of the matter is: it’s over. Analyzing it to death won’t bring the relationship back. And I don’t really want it back. The last thing I want to do in this world is be with a man who doesn’t appreciate me for all my positives AND negatives.

So why can’t I be more like The One and just let it go? Just let it be? Just move on and say, “well, he isn’t the right guy for me, so who’s next?”

Well, I tell you why! I’m letting my weaknesses and fears keep me from seeing this logically and practically and letting my emotions – my very irrational emotions - keep me down.

Thus, I’ve decided that I’m not letting those fears that creep up to the surface that I constantly have to squash – and some days I do it better than others – get the best of me! This isn’t a contest to see if I can convince a man to love me. It’s about finding a man that will love me for who I am - of his own free will. I keep forgetting that! So when a man doesn’t want to keep me, it’s not really MY fault. In actuality, I didn’t fail at anything! He just isn’t the right one.

And the truth is, that’s his loss! Because I’m REALLY funny….

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Game Playing (Leah)

Last night I visited with a friend who really likes a guy I'll call Joey. She's gone out with him for about four months, with off and on intensity. She'd like to be exclusive and they've talked about it, but he wants to date other people. (HOW MANY TIMES WILL I HEAR THIS?) Sorry, but that seems to be the rule for guys our age these days. Anyway, the interesting thing is that she really sees some great things in Joey. She thinks the world of him. She sees a side to him that most people don't. Isn't that how it always is when we fall in love? I know Joey, I think he's a good guy, but certainly not someone I'd ever want to get involved with - he has baggage you might say. Anyway, another girl-friend of mine had the opportunity recently to go out with Joey. She didn't not look forward to the date and had further proof after the date that she had no interest in him at all. His baggage was plenty apparent to her. But my friend from last night, she can see all that baggage but she also sees beyond it. In fact, she mentioned that she wishes he could show his truer self more often in public instead of the side that repels so many women. What just kills me about this situation is how lucky stinkin' Joey is to have my friend be able to see his full being and love him for it all. Why oh why does he insist on dating other women who would really rather not spend any time with him? He's only hurting himself. Why does he not see it? Why are we so blind in our own dating situations? I have no solutions, just frustration. Sorry. I told the friend last night she needs to make a concious effort to look elsewhere and WANT to date other men - for her sanity, as backup, and as part of the game. He apparently gives her a lot more attention when she gives him distance. He's classic "game" material. Anyway, I quoted her some of the wisdom I've been learning - how she needs to have faith that he will become the good man she deserves or some other man who does meet her needs will come into her life. She should not settle for the games this guy is playing - that automatically lessens his worth.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

as of today (scully)

So after a few weeks back with Shep, things started creeping (okay not really creeping as much as barging in and pouncing) in that reminded me why we broke-up oh those many moons ago. Just for one example: when we went to dinner last week after discussing the menu and making choices, I left to go get us a table and utensils. When he brought the food there was only one order. His order. He didn't get that anything was wrong with this until I asked, "So where's yours?". To which he replied, "Oh! Did you … want …?". Now let me just say that if other big/important things were in place this could be viewed as quirky if not endearing on some level. It wasn't. Fortunately, we were able to have a long, open and honest discussion at the end of the evening that went much better than I had hoped. We came to an understanding, I love yous were said, and we were able to get back to where we were before deciding to give the possibility of marriage another shot.

The result of this for me has been surprising. It hasn't been discouraging in any way. In fact I've never been more happy to be single. I'm so happy I'm not married to him or any other person that marriage would not work with! I'm also very happy that I've maintained the friendship with him. It also made me appreciate Rod and I'm also very happy to have maintained that relationship and also happy not to be married to him. Like joyfully grateful.

I also got back in touch with my first date in high school this week. Where I come from asking someone to a dance in high school is a big production. This usually involves puzzles left on doorsteps, the discovery of live goldfish in your tub, and the like. To ask me to the homecoming dance Bob (as in Bob Dylan) stole a bus stop sign off the street wrote on it and left it with a tape recorded song about it on my doorstep. He and his best friend were our class hippies. Clean cut though they were. He was sensitive and sweet and went into a trance to try and contact Buddha at dinner before the dance. He was the first guy to hold my hand. It was so sweet to see him again. He hasn't changed except now his receeding hair is to his shoulders and he has a sweet wife and, I think, seven kids. What a divine soul he is and, again, how blessed and joyful I've felt to know him.

I've been so blessed. As of today (check watch) I'm very grateful for my life and where I am and the men I have been blessed to have in it. Is it possible I could stay in this state of gratitude and appreciation like forever? I really hope so.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Agency (Leah)

Marnie's post got me thinking about some of my past break-ups. One in particular, about 6 years ago, taught me to appreciate agency. He was a big fan of it. His father was not a member of the church, and despite both sons going on a mission and the family being active for 20 years, the father continued to choose to not be baptised. As a son he learned to respect his father's decision and not take it personally. When this same guy chose to not commit to me I was sad for months. I held on thinking/hoping he'd change his mind. He got married to someone else about a year later, but it took some serious self asserting action on my part to get over him. I had relied on him in many ways, and couldn't imagine not telling him everything that passed through my heart and mind. That dependence on him lasted about 5 months after our breakup. One fast Sunday I was reading a newspaper article about getting your children off TV. I realized that one reason I fast is to give me a healthier appreciation for food. To gain a healther perspective on TV the article suggested going on a fast. I realized that I needed to get off my dependence of this guy so I made myself go on a fast. I started treating him with the cordial (warm but not too warm) affection of an acquaintance. This was a really hard adjustment for me. Actually, first I went on a total fast for a week where I didn't speak to him at all. Then I was able to have a more balanced relationship. I tried this with the last Phil I dated and it really helped me get over him. Anyway, that's another lesson in dating I learned.

What I really wanted to share was the lesson I learned about agency. Since this guy exercised his agency by not dating me I did some major pondering. I realized that the greatest gift God has given us is our agency. We can choose to be a part of His family or not. We can choose to have access to His power or not. We can choose to be happy. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to not be a victim (had done that plenty of times in the past and there's no point in going there again). So I decided to do what he was doing. I decided to use my agency. I began on a daily basis to choose to have a full and meaningful life. I examined all the things in my past that had given me meaning and happiness. I tried to fill my life with more of that - basically doing things that were challenging and self affirming. I chose to not take the break-up as a personal insult. I chose to see it as him doing what felt right for him, just as I have to choose what feels right to me. If I want my agency I need to allow others to have theirs. I chose to refocus my relationship with him and find balance. I chose to tell myself that there was at least one great man out there that would love my quirks and love to be loved by me, and I would meet him some day. If this were testimony meeting I'd bear my testimony about the gift of agency. This is a power beyond belief. I will always love that guy and cherish our time togther for the lesson he taught me about agency. I even wrote a long series of poems that were inspired by that relationship. Maybe some day I'll post them here!

Friday, November 14, 2008

Break up and Recovery (Marnie)

Awhile ago, I was running to my car from my house when I tripped and fell. It was raining hard, and I was trying to avoid as many raindrops as possible. So I jumped off my front step and misjudged the circumference of my skirt which tripped me. Needless to say, I fell hard on my hands and knees. It surprised me as much as it hurt me.

My first reaction was to start bawling. It was a Monday morning and it was after a rough weekend and it just seemed too much. I eventually picked myself up and went back inside to fix my wounds and get the leaves out of my jacket. I felt foolish, clumsy and stupid for misjudging something I was so confident in. Plus, it hurt like the dickens and I suffered the consequences of that action for days with bruises and sore knees.

I haven't admitted to it yet, but I started dating Mr. Click a while back. Like his name indicated, we clicked well. I've never had such a great first date! (And I've been on a lot of them in my time.) It was a great experience and I enjoyed being with him every second. Sure, I had my moments of doubt and was unsure as to what was going on, but overall, I had a blast.

But we broke it off. I'm not going to say why or go into details because it's not important. Mr. Click still doesn't know about this website (which is why I never said anything about him). But I can tell you that the end was unexpected for me and I have felt some of the same feelings I felt when I fell down on that rainy, miserable day...foolish, clumsy and stupid for misjudging something I was starting to feel confident in.

Let me sum up some of my current raw emotions:
EMOTION #1: I'm missing him terribly. We had become close friends and I felt like I could trust him without judgment. He is a GREAT guy and still is. He was my equal and let's be honest - we often don't get to date our equal. So the loss of him is much bigger than just some random cute guy I casually dated for awhile.

EMOTION #2: Loss of a real potential. Although at first I wasn't really into him, I gave it time and realized he had a lot of the characteristics I was looking for. We were really compatible but still had some differences to shake things up. And now that potential is completely gone. I feel like I'm on the board game of Chutes and Ladders. I almost won the game to a real committed relationship (and I'm NOT even talking about marriage - just a dating relationship!) but instead I landed on the space with the huge chute that goes all the way back to the beginning of the game. I'm starting over from scratch. AGAIN!

EMOTION #3: I feel betrayed. By him, by God. Of course I'm just putting blame wherever I can because that's how I work. It's completely irrational and I don't REALLY believe it deep down inside. And really it is no one's fault. It just is. But I want to make sense of it all, so blaming someone else for a relationship not working out is just natural for me - although very destructive thinking.

EMOTION #4: I feel rejected. Ok, you figured it out, I liked him a LOT. And that wasn't enough for this relationship. I'm now looking at myself and wondering what's wrong with me? Why can't I get ONE man on this blasted earth to want to be with me longer than a few months?? Am I that unlovable? Yeah, that's more destructive thinking that's got to stop.

EMOTION #5: I want to run and hide. After spending some time with him, I made a decision and took a risk. I opened my heart to him and cared for him. And because it has ended, I feel like I never want to do it again! Why risk it when you just get rejected?? Why go that extra mile if you just end up all alone and hurting? It makes me never want to trust a man again. Although if I want to get where I want to go, I've GOT to get over that!

EMOTION: #6: I'm feeling stupid. I made mistakes which is natural for a human being - especially one with as little experience in relationships as me. I've been thinking of things I should or shouldn't have done - like they would somehow have kept this all from happening. Yep, more destructive thinking that I just have to let go.

EMOTION #7: Sometimes, I just feel like crying. I can't even put my finger on the exact emotion that is causing that cry. I guess I don't have to label it. It just needs to get out of me and I do believe it will help with the healing.

Now, this isn't my first breakup. Getting over the love of my life (aka "The One") was so hard I thought I would die. And I am in no way in that position. I think the difficulty with this break up is that I have been working hard to envision me being married. I've felt more ready to be in a relationship than ever before. I was on a roll! I was gaining momentum! I was doing things COMPLETELY different from before - big scary stuff that I've never attempted. Things that I was proud of for conquering - all appearing to pay off!! And because it was so different, I let myself think that it could very well be a relationship that for once would actually stick.

Silly girl!

I had to re-read my last few blog posts to remind myself of my past answers to prayers and to start getting my hope back. Although my emotions make me want to believe some lies and completely irrational thoughts, I do believe everything will be ok in the end. I will survive! I will move on! I will break through and make it so these emotions will become less and less on my mind and in my heart. And I will be able to trust a man again and be ready for another risk. I WILL GET MARRIED!!! If anything I'm in a much better place to deal with this than in the past. Since June - even before I started dating Mr. Click - it has been my goal to work on the one relationship I have complete control over - my relationship with God. He is constant. He will never leave me. And He will help me. He has a real plan for me and all of this stuff makes sense to him. I just have to remember that and trust Him.

And I do believe all the sacrifices and efforts in improving my prayers and taking more time to read and ponder the words of God and his prophets has given me the reserve of strength to not hide away and fall back to where I was before. I refuse to loose that momentum! I will get back out there as soon as I'm able! It will hurt - oh, it will hurt - but I can't let those emotions keep me from being the adult I need to be.

And an adult picks herself back up after she falls down hard on the cement in the pouring rain. She brushes herself off, cleans up her wounds, dries her tears and walks, limping a little, but making it to her next destination.

"Sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can fall together." Marilyn Monroe
I'm really counting on that...

Thursday, November 13, 2008


You know, if sex and money weren't issues in marriage I could have had this figured out long ago.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Taking Control (Bridget)

This weekend I took my fate into my own hands. I was sitting here doing a paper for one of my psychology courses. I had talked to a guy that I had been emailing for a while from online. We hadn't met yet. We talked about what we were doing later that evening. Both he and I did not have plans. I thought to myself, this would be a perfect time for him to suggest we meet. He didn't. I, being a traditional sort of girl did not suggest we get together...ok it could be because I am chicken...but whatever. We hung up and I went on with my afternoon of finishing my paper. About six I got restless. My roommates were gone. The house was empty and it was a Saturday night, almost a transgression to be sitting home...a vital 37 year old single woman in the happening state of California. I had also talked to GSE earlier that day and thought, wow that would be super cool if he could come over to watch a movie....we'd have the t.v. all to ourselves...i then went about doing something that I have come to know as a move that just really seems on the surface as if I am making a move, when in reality not so much..i called his home phone, in which empirical evidence has shown in the past, he doesn't answer much. I told myself if he answered then I would ask him over, if he didn't I wouldn't and I wasn't going to leave a message. Well GSE didn't answer. I sat there looking at my cell phone..ok ....lets think about this...girl home alone on a Saturday....know boy from internet is also home alone on Saturday....should girl call him and point out the obvious...why don't we get together and see if there is any potential to go onto the next step. Ok, here goes...dialing...beep beep beep...boy answers. Girl says, thought it would be a great night to meet perhaps for dessert later...boy was a little taken aback but said yes. Boy and girl enjoy seasonal pumpkin cheesecake at Cheesecake Factory....sparks flying? no, not for girl...but boy has called three times since...girl is proud of herself for taking her life into her own hands...much better than staying home when restless...girl looking forward to next boy and next piece of cheesecake.

crossing to safety (scully)

I was in the book store the other day in a rush looking for a birthday gift for a friend when I noticed a guy sitting behind one of the shelves. I thought he looked familiar—like someone I had dated in college. But this guy had totally grey almost white hair. Then he started speaking and I knew it was him. Zoinks! This was one of the few straight men at that point in my life who I got was actually attracted to me. He scared the hell out of me. He told me I was pretty. He was cute and clever. He was "yellow" I was "blue". I also remembered that I was extremely bugged by how he was unprepared for a date we went on once. If I don't get that a guy knows where he's taking me, how much money he needs, and what we'll do when we get there I get extremely peeved! This has not changed in the 15+ yrs since I went out with this guy. The same thing happened just this weekend. I think I have "Needs to be provided for and protected!" silk screened on my compass. If that's not heeded, I feel an overwhelming need to change course. I used to feel bad about that. Really bad. Not so much anymore. It's a need. A righteous desire if you will that I can't shake no matter how hard I try. Googley-eyed love does not conquer all. The ability to provide and protect is probably one of my #1 turn ons these days. A part of me wanted to talk to my grey haired college flame. I wanted to see how life had treated him. I watched him for a minute as he interacted with who I assumed were his two boys. I started down the "what if" road a bit. Then checked my compass and my watch and went on my way out the door.

Safe (Leah)

In my history of dating I think it's safe to say I'm often attracted to men that are pretty safe in their walls of self defense. Safe in the sense that they aren't risk takers. They are mild mannered and very easy going, kind and generous, but risk takers - not exactly. Trouble is I tend to be a bit impatient and impetuous. I take risks - not because I'm brave, as much as because I'm careless. I don't necessarily "throw myself at them" but I do fully invest my heart in the relationship and hope for the best and try to push them forward, probably faster than is wise. They eventually call uncle and break up with me. I am like a teenager - a false sense of being indestructible. You'd think that after 30+ years and a handful of heartbreaks I'd be more careful, but no. I seem to have learned that heartbreaks don't kill. Maybe I just forget. This time around, though, I think I'm being much more careful. I'm just curious, though, if my attraction to the "safe" guys is my way of being safe as well. Probably. Then I'm not the scared one, he is. I'm not the slow indecisive one, he is. When I push and he breaks it off then it's his fault, not mine. I like my new "careful" style. I like taking this one slow. I like feeling safe. (Don't tell - I'm starting to get a bit impatient, though!)

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Just Call Me Lorelai

Cast of characters:

Me: Lorelai, I am a 33 year old divorcé with a 5 year old son, DK or in other words the Dark Knight, he loves Batman with a passion and sleeps every night with a black teddy bear named Bruce Wayne. Graduated from Indiana University (Go Hoosiers!) and then moved to Utah. My siblings followed me out here and I found I had no reason to return to the Midwest.

Buck: The first guy I ever “dated”

Charming: The amazing wonderful talented guy that got away or I got away from …

Gap: my ex-husband

Parsley: my best friend and will be often referenced

Dating History:

I would never consider myself a ‘dater.’ I dated (note past tense) but even back in my high school/college days I was not avid. I think I was more of the dreaded “hanger outer” and because of that lack of education on how to date; being thrust back into the dating world has been a challenge. I have dated since my divorce but mostly I have been driving around with my taxi light off (so says Parsley). But the closed door attitude has begun to change. I have even been practicing, smiling and talking to men!

A bit about me:

When I am not in the blogosphere I like to play with DK. Mostly we like to play at Liberty Park or get down with the Wii our favorite game is Lego Star Wars. I love to read, mostly fantasy or a good cozy mystery. I am an aspiring novelist. I love board games and playing cards and I enjoy taking walks especially in the mountains. I like to be able to do things while talking, so those kinds of activities appeal to me. I dislike traveling but I would love to see faraway places looking forward to the whole beam-me-up-Scottie thing so I can have my cake and eat it too.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Living Life (Leah)

Years ago, and a few Phils ago, I was struck by a talk President Monson gave in conference. What amazes me is that it seems he keeps giving the same talk over and over. Really. I'm nearly positive that I have either heard or read him saying that we need to learn from the past, plan for the future, and live in the present. Back when I first heard it the Phil I was with was causing me some stress. He was moving soon and wasn't a big believer in long distance relationships. (Now that I've tried my share I may agree with him!) Anyway, I was really struggling with living in the moment and enjoying what I had with him. I think this is a real challenge for everyone - probably since the prophet spoke about it a few times it can't just be for us singles - but I feel like it is my personal mountain to climb. I must learn that God loves me enough to bless me with meaningful moments - ones that confirm his love for me, teach me valuable lessons, or are just plain enjoyable. When I get over booked and run ragged I remember that slowing down at least mentally might be good. Taking a minute to breathe and enjoy at least the panic of the moment I am in - that might be beneficial. So that's my goal lately. Phil or no Phil, work or no work, friends or no friends, it's all good.

Okay, I'm done rambling. Just felt the need to post and that's what came out.

All Bark and No Bite (Lorelai)

It is easy to talk big to tell your friends, your family, and your mother that you are back in the game. But when it comes right down to it, talking is way easier than doing. This may be true of many things, going back to school, getting the drivers license renewed on time, cleaning out a closet. I plan on doing it at some point and I talk about it but actually doing it is something else.

So I have talked a lot about this whole dating thing to friends and family (and yes even my mother – honestly what was I thinking her hopes are up, way up! Poor sweet wonderful woman). I have done a lot of talking but not so much doing. On Halloween I decided to do some ‘doing’ and went to a very fun party, costume and all, but once I got there I felt completely out of my element. Fortunately I had friends there that kept me smiling but interacting, talking to people (especially men) that I don’t know is way harder than I remember. So is it harder or am I just that out of practice?

I have been pondering that question for the past few days. And I decided that the answer is yes to both. Not only was I married for five years but after my divorce almost four years ago I have pretty much avoided men. I am out of practice.

The yes answer to the other half of the question was a bit more problematic because is it harder? Is it more difficult to meet men, talk to men, and get asked out on a date? Or is it me being closed (even though I say I am open?). The rules of this game have changed and I didn’t get the updated manual. I honestly feel like an innocent bystander watching a game from the stands that got thrown in for the big play. Throw me back in the stands. I don’t want to try! A stubborn internal battle is going on, one part of me says if it ain’t broke don’t fix it; stay home, be a mom don’t worry about this at all. But then there is this other part of me that says you have to try. You have to because that part of me wants to be in a loving relationship where we can face daily joys and challenges together.

So today I am feeling a little bit like I am all bark and no bite. I am not giving up, I just got started. But today, just today, I think I will hang out on the side lines.