Reaction to My Last Post (Stella Skywalker)

After my last blog post I had some interesting comments and perspectives and that got me thinking about how easy it is to misinterpret others ideas or put our own special filter on things going on around us. When I made mention of the fine brother that I met I cited that he was an RM. Many responses reminded me how many good and wonderful men there are in the world who are not RM's and I would be missing out greatly if I discounted them. I completely agree and that's what got me thinking...I didn't grow up in the church, I have zero connections to Utah, I have no pioneer relatives and my particular lens is definitely shaped by this. I did not grow up dreaming of my plain, white, Temple ready wedding gown (with sleeves of course) while I stood by my handsome RM prince who was going to carry me off into the sunset and provide me with my very own white picket fence and 5 children. While this has in some sense become my dream over the years I grew up with the mindset that I would get married and have a family but I was also going to get an education, have a career, and travel the world and then when I was ready I would simply select my mate of choice from the conveyor belt of men going by.

Funny - things haven't quite worked out that way. While I have been richly blessed in areas that I can control (my education for example) when I finally realized that the husband hunt was going to be a bit harder then I realized and that Heavenly Father wasn't just going to plop HIM in front of me I had one foot out the YSA door and a host of fears starting to hit my mind and heart. Sometimes I wonder if not being raised in the church and having some clue of our dating culture was a detriment. I joined the church shortly before my freshman year of college. I didn't go to BYU (but as every good Mormon does at some point) figured I had better live my obligatory time on our home planet.

I spent most of those 2 Utah years having fun but definitely not pursuing marriage. I was waiting for my (yes these are real criteria) 6'4" dark hair, blue eyes, preppy boy with straight teeth, future MD, has a car and a clean apartment, will open every door for me, compliment me, bring me flowers, have no opinions unless they are just like mine, will appreciate every single thing I ever say or do, will never see a single flaw in me...I'd go on but the list just gets embarrassing from here.

When my roommate got married in December of our freshman year after knowing her sweetheart for a month I was truly baffled. I was still scared of boys and couldn't kiss one much less marry him. I didn't question her decision or wonder why she was giving up her life - I just wondered how she did it so fast. Life continued on, I returned to my home state for my junior year and became actively involved in my institute and YSA ward. I continued to wait for the boy I dreamed of to fall out of the sky while simultaneously being terrified that he just might. I can look back now and see how hard I was on the men in my life. It didn't take much to unimpress me and since I was so driven I assumed they should be too. I had no patience whatsoever for those who still lived at home or weren't in school pursuing their dreams. I progressed forward, finishing my degree, beginning my career and achieving those world travel dreams. I continued to wait for someone to notice just how awesome I was and to take those manly first steps to begin our courtship. I waited...and I waited....and waited some more. Then 30 came and went and I joined my local family ward where I experienced pain, depression and despair in such depth I thought it would kill me sometimes.

As a mental health professional I have analyzed all of this to death. Up one side, down the other, and yes of course there are many things I could have done differently, there are lots of presumed reasons why and untold missed opportunities. But these are also regrets and I refuse to live my life with regrets. I sit here today and remind myself that while I did not have the same perspective 20 years ago that I have today I was where I was. That is to say, I was who I was. I operating with the knowledge and understanding that I had and though I can now look back and wonder if things had been different if only I had done this one thing, the truth is my life is how it's supposed to be. My journey has always been my journey. The Lord knew me before I knew me. He knew my path before my feet even touched it. He knew it would take me ___ years to figure out all that I personally needed to know so that I could fulfill my calling on this earth. He knew that I was never going to be that 18 year old girl in the boring (sorry - but have you seen some of those gowns!) white gown staring up at her RM dreaming of their babies and little starter apartment. He knew that it would take me much longer to figure out how to be the wife, mother, and woman that He NEEDS me to be and that without my experiences and yes, even the knife sharp pain that those experiences bring, I wouldn't be ready.

I think back to my 20 year old criteria and just laugh. Here's what I want today 6'4" (I just can't let this one go), loves God, loves Jesus Christ, loves ME, puts his best into everything he does, and is honest and loyal in all he does. That's it. I no longer care what he does for a living, what accomplishments he has racked up, what letters are behind his name, or any of those other superfluous things that life can give and take away just as quickly. One thing I've learned over the last few years - if we have anything of value it's who we are. Our things, our achievements and accomplishments, our jobs and titles can be removed in an instance. Serving a mission doesn't make you perfect, being a member of the church is no guarantee that life will fall perfectly into our cultural 'box', and perhaps most importantly...just like the men we long and search for - there are pretty temple ready gowns out there if you are willing to look in unusual places.

Penelope Post

Penelope here again. I am deeply connected to all things mid-singles related. I love the idea of mid-singles and try to support it as much as I can. I was on facebook the other day and found this power point from a talk to mid-singles which speaks about aligning our desires with the Lord's. There was a slide about the scripture D&C 130:20-21 which states:

20 There is a law, irrevocably decreed in heaven before the foundations of this world, upon which all blessings are predicated—
21 And when we obtain any blessing from God, it is by obedience to that law upon which it is predicated.

In the speakers notes, I found this:

"How we interpret the following scripture adds to the problem. We tend to interpret this as “each law has its attendant blessing.” Keeping the Law of Tithing, for instance, should bring forth the promised blessings. What happens, then, when that doesn’t happen? We keep the Word of Wisdom and get cancer. We keep the Law of Tithing and lose our job. Worse yet, we wonder if we’ve “earned” our blessings, why God withholds what we’ve earned. Does he love us less or are we unworthy? Does He really “owe” us?"

For me, that perspective was really impactful. Am I acting like God owes me a marriage because I've been faithful or done my duty? Am I getting bitter at God because I expect to have an immediate blessing from living a good life?

And it brought home another perspective, the perspective of those who are married. I guess I can see why some might think that a single person isn't worthy/isn't doing the right things to get married if you take this scripture literally. I wonder if it depends on how you define blessings.

What are your thoughts on this?

Meet Penelope

Hello readers!
We have another guest post from Penelope I'd like to share with you:

Hello new friends, I'd like to introduce myself. I'm in my mid-30's like many here. I recently went to an event with speed-dating where a man asked me if I had been married before, I replied no. He asked me if I had kids, and I said no. He asked me if I had a cat or dog. I said nope. I said, well I have 2 plants that I have managed to keep alive. He was silent and just blinked. I don't think he knew what to say. See he was a single dad to 4 with part time custody and I'm sure he was thinking, wow this won't be a good match. Luckily I wasn't too invested in the relationship to be offended that he didn't "pick me."

As for my blog name, Penelope, I took it from a movie I watched recently. Yes, I watch odd movies on Netflix. But the idea behind the movie and Penelope fits me. Penelope has a physical deformity as a result of a family curse. Her mom hides her away because people were trying to get pictures of how horrible Penelope looked. Eventually Penelope's parents decide to try to get her married off because part of the curse was that she had to marry "one of her own," someone rich and powerful who would still love her despite her odd looks. After many rejections, she runs off on her own and allows people see her for who she really is. Interestingly, she realizes that people are ok with her, despite her mother's warnings that people will reject her. She even is able to...get married....of all things, despite looking bizarre because she is just herself. Recently, I feel like I've hit the stage of being ok with myself despite being told I'm not pretty enough to get married. If others want to say I'm not pretty enough, that's ok but I'm not going to hide myself anymore. So Penelope I have become! :)

I also have had my share of the dating woes and they are still on-going. I hope that I can share some of them here and get feedback with comments, questions or thoughts. I originally came to this blog a long time ago because I felt a kindred spirit here to know that I wasn't alone in my single status and the experiences I was having., So I hope I can do that for other sisters as well.

It Begins with Me (Marnie)

I visited with a friend of mine I haven’t talked to in a long while. She wanted to know how I was doing since my breakup last spring. As I gave her a rundown, it brought up some feelings I guess I still haven’t let go of. I thought I had been doing much better, but when I it all came out, it was apparent I wasn’t. It depressed me to think so much time had passed and I hadn’t worked through it yet.

She was great to listen and not pass judgment, although I know she felt helpless in being able to help me. She’s married with 5 kids and as her life keeps changing, my life doesn’t show much in that department. The concern and worry on her face as I vented my fears, frustrations, and lack of hope, made ME concerned. How depressing was it to listen to me?? How many times does it feel like I’ve been here before and told her the same things? I feel like a broken record – with no new insight but just the same old problems and insecurities. It can’t be true – but it sure feels like it!

So I’m done. I’m done complaining about the quality of men I date, the lack of results I get, and the hopelessness I feel. I feel like all I do is complain through my cycle of relationships, and doing this complaining doesn’t seem to help. It surely doesn’t help my attitude, either.

I can make a list of reasons why I’m not married - from irrational thoughts to logical statistics. But even I’m bored by them now! I can’t figure it out and I don’t think I’m meant to. So the only way I know how to change what is happening is to stop. Stop it all. Not stop trying, just stop this obsession to understand why. Stop discussing it in minute details. Stop wallowing in the past disappointments, yelling to the sky, “WHY???” over and over. My heart has been broken before – it will be broken again, no doubt. So why dwell on it? Yeah it hurts like hell but living like this - dredging up the past and reanalyzing it, and questioning God doesn’t help me feel better. I believe in the grieving process, but being the drama queen I am, I have taken this grieving to a new level that just isn’t right and is affecting my happiness.

I think what I really need to do is start forgiving. Forgiving me, forgiving the men I’ve dated that have hurt me, and yes, even forgiving God for not giving me what I want. I know that shocks a lot of you – because some think one shouldn’t be mad at God. But its how I feel. This natural response – at least for me – has got to metamorphous into something better. Because I won’t give up! I won’t stop looking or flirting or dating or trying to get a spouse. I refuse to die like an old maid – even if my soul keeps getting bruised and kicked against the curb. But I’ve been dealing with this all wrong. If I’m going to continue to work on achieving this goal – my reaction and how I deal with it all HAS got to be better. Otherwise I’m not getting anywhere and remaining miserable.

I’ve talked before about my frustration with and desire to accept God’s will, and I haven’t gotten very far. So that ends today. From now on, I accept God’s will and I’m going to trust Him. You may think I’m lying or even crazy to think I can do it, but frankly, waiting for my feelings and desires to change isn’t working.

I’ve heard several talks from General Conference in the last few years about choosing faith. It’s a choice and not something you just get from nowhere. You just have to decide and take a risk. Then the faith comes. And I think choosing and trusting God’s will works the same way. I can pray until I’m blue in the face but until I change how I’m going to think and deal with this all, nothing will change. I have to take the leap of faith and just do it. I believe God helps us – a lot. But I also believe he lets struggle until we “get it.” And I’m just beginning to “get it.”

The other thing I’m going to do is truly forgive. I’ve been praying about it, hoping God will just make these horrible thoughts and hurts go away and let me forgive. Yep, you guessed it! It doesn’t work that way. I just need to decide. So whether I’m ready or not, I’m going to forgive. Just like that!

How am I going to do it? After I told a friend about my problem with forgiving, she suggested it was time I actually did it, and then prayed for the feeling of forgiveness to come into my heart. I need to take action and properly acknowledge what I’m forgiving. Once I do that, then it’s all up to God. She suggested I write down “I forgive….” for each of the people I need to forgive listing the action I’m forgiving. And that list of people includes myself. Something about writing it down makes it much more of a reality instead of just a good idea. It gets out of your system. Once I write it out, I’m going to get rid of it. That way, the process is really permanent. No sense in dwelling on the past. It’s time to move on…

Some of you may not like this blog entry. You may think I’m being trite and not sensitive to how hard it is to be single. That is where you are really wrong. I know it. I feel it. It hurts. But my bad attitude has not helped and it’s time to adjust it. So I will choose faith, trust God’s will (as much as it scares the spit out of me), and truly forgive – not just the half-hearted kind. It’s going to take some time, a lot of work and self-control, AND a lot of prayer but I’m going to conquer this! Because something has got to change and frankly, I can only change me.

Another Guest Post from Stella

As a never married single adult in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints I have seen many changes in my peers, in the efforts of the church and in the general attitude among members. Most of these changes have been very positive as understanding has increased. I can honestly say that my ward loves me and that I am a welcome member but please do not mistake that to mean that I fit or that I belong there. As the sole single (active) member of my ward under the age of 60 I can say without pause that every week the effort that it takes to go to church, slap a smile on my face, and act like it doesn't hurt is a herculean effort. I cry my eyes out on a weekly basis as I drive home from my meetings and remind myself of everything I know to be true - Heavenly Father loves me, He hasn't forgotten me, I am being given these experiences to strengthen me and to make me the woman I need to be. I remind myself of every church talk I have ever heard about patience, about enduring to the end, about the importance of every member and then I cry anyway.

The thing that I see missing is simply this: while the gospel is perfect and following its principles is the ONLY thing on this earth that will make us happy and please our Heavenly Father there is a great disconnect between the principles I learn at church and my life. I support 100% the strengthening of families and the importance of raising children. I support 100% my RS lessons that remind each sister how important her job at home is. I believe these are good and true principles and I fight every day for the family in my work as a social worker. I am convinced that these lessons should be taught and that we all need to take part. But what about me? What do I do with this besides suffer through it and not let others see my heart literally aching in my chest? After 5 years in my ward I'm happy to report that I've learned the skills necessary to keep great suffering (and make no mistake it is SUFFERING) inside so that I don't make others uncomfortable and so I don't give the appearance of faithlessness. I have had the blessing of holding important callings in my ward and (so I'm told) that my fellow sisters admire me. If I can show strength in the face of great trial then I hope that I can inspire others to do the same.

So what do I need? The only time I feel normal and the pain goes away is in the company of fellow singles. Unfortunately in my area most are inactive and the few who are active are so spread out that it's difficult to maintain any type of closeness. As a never married woman with no children I feel especially unique. I have kept my Temple covenants and have continued to go to church and almost as great as the desire for a husband and family of my own is the desire for female friends who are like me. I am tired of meeting only those who have fallen away and are struggling to come back. I simply am not strong enough right now, I need friends who have strong testimonies and who get what I'm going through and have been going through my entire adult life. I need friends who have Temple recommends who go to church and who haven't let the anger and depression overtake them. I am tired of struggling all by myself. I know that I am loved. I know that my church leaders, family and married friends pray for me and hurt for me but unless you've walked this path you don't get it. You don't understand the CONSTANT fight with anger, depression, doubts of value and worth, faith and endurance. It never ends and Sundays are, for me, the worst day of the week. It shouldn't be like this.

I know the Lord has provided us the way to endure this life and has taught us what to do but in the face of heart breaking loneliness and despair where too many women never date, never feel like they have value it is much too easy to fall away when you have no support group. We need each other. We need programs just for us, the mid singles where we don't need to fight off the advances of men older then our fathers. We need a place where the inactive can return, find their place and grow. Activities just don't seem to be cutting it. If I have to go to another dance, or another activity that is just like the ones I went to as a YW and then a YSA - well truthfully I stopped going a long time ago. I am a grown woman and I have no more interest in these weekly activities then any other adult person. My life goals have nothing to do with my social life.

I want a ward full of people like me. I want to stop feeling like a left over. I did not knowingly or willingly choose this path and I honestly don't know what I could have done differently. I want to be treated like an adult of course but I don't want to have activities and services geared towards me and others like me to be fit around everything else. I do not want to go to the 8pm SA Temple session because someone thinks that's when we want to go. I am a woman in her 30's with a full time career, a part time job and I am as tired at 8pm as anyone else. I have heard it said that we shouldn't label ourselves as single - but I don't know how to stop doing that. I am single, in a church that celebrates marriage and family I am SINGLE. I go to Single Adult Activities, my church records list me as single, with a simple N/A under husband and children. I am the sister who is scared to death to sit by herself at church because I am alone. Calling it something different does not change or alter that. In a faith that promotes and encourages happy marriages I am all alone with little prospects because the prospects aren't showing up. I believe, well I have to believe, that if a mid-singles ward were available in my area I would at the very least have an opportunity to have single girlfriends though my hearts desire is and as far as I can tell, will continue to be the hole only filled by my husband and children.

I want to know that the righteous men of the church are being held to a high standard. Are they being asked about their dating habits in their quorums, during their Temple recommends? I want to know that the church is doing what they can to keep our men on the straight and narrow (and though I know free agency will always prevail) I want to know that while my blessings are being withheld those who have the power to bless me are, at the very least, being held accountable for their decisions.

So how do we fix this - I don't know. I don't consider this 'issue' a problem the church has created. I believe that individuals have created this need through their choices. For example I met a truly fantastic guy at an activity a few weeks ago. We spent the entire activity together laughing and talking and shared many similar interests. He is a good man, served a mission, went to college, has a good job and hallelujah! doesn't live with his parents. He invited me on a group date. Well not so much a date as said we should do something and get a bunch of people together. I should take a moment and note that during the course of our day together I learned that he 1) wants a wife desperately, 2) has no interest in ANY of the girls in our area, and when asked what he did want responded 3) "I want her to be hot." I try very hard to see boys in a positive light and not 'man bash' but in my opinion this good brother with his balding head and extended belly has left the running for a 'hot' woman and should have enough maturity to be thankful at finding a good, righteous woman who is quite stunning and who can look past his physical self and see all the wonderful things that he is.

I don't know the right answers to meet these needs. I believe a ward just for mid-singles is a great start. It would encourage those who have left to come back. They aren't alone anymore and they don't need to be lonely. Activities that are different then those we've been doing for 20 years would be wonderful. Something fitting for adults - theatre, travel, small dinner groups. Something that doesn't make us dance. I would even encourage 'planting' men into the group to show the other men how to do it. This is how you ask a girl to dance, this is how you compliment a woman and not be afraid that she's going to interpret this as a marriage proposal, this is how you take the lead with a woman and make her feel special and respected.

Yes, these are the things I want. If anyone has any idea on how to accomplish it I'm listening.

Guest Post by Stella Skywalker

Hi Friends! My name, well codename, is Stella and I can’t even begin to describe how happy I was to find this blog. As a single, never been married woman I have finally reached the place where it's really starting to bother me. 40 isn't too far away and my 'patience' (if I ever had any) is starting to wear thin. I unfortunately live in an area where too many singles are inactive especially those in their 30’s and 40’s and more often then not I find my heart aching to have someone who ‘gets’ it and who can share the ups and downs of this time of life. Too often I feel completely alone and while I have been blessed with some truly amazing friends my bestest and dearest are all married with families and though they love me, empathize, cry for me and with me and pray for my blessings to come they don’t understand. Sometimes you just need someone who gets it and who is struggling the same way you are, striving to stay strong and doing their best to avoid taking the seemingly easy way out. So all that said I’m happy to be here and I’m happy you’re here too. Hopefully my thoughts and ideas are shared and not further evidence that I really have finally lost my mind. So here we go…

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I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the one I call “the jerk.” We’ve all met him; we’ve all been under his predatory attack; some have succumbed and some have fought with all they’ve got. He is relentless and I have come to finally figure out he will never ever go away. I have to become stronger then he is until his attacks are merely barely noticed annoyances rather then the “knock me off my path with the force of a nuclear explosion” events that I have recently experienced.

Now that I have your attention let me make it perfectly clear who the jerk is. He is not one of our sweet brothers who struggle, as we do, with making it through this life. The jerk is the adversary - the one who lives to see all of us fail. The one whose sole purpose is to keep us from happiness, keep us from knowing who we really are, who lies and deceives to make sure we stay confused and unfocused.

Have you ever really stopped to ponder who you are? What lies within you to achieve and become? Every now and then I can feel it. Actually feel who I have the potential to become. It’s all there and wow she is SOMETHING. Granted the Stella I am today is far from that amazing being that I can occasionally sense but just knowing that I could someday become her is a rather sobering thought. How do I get there? How do I hold on to this idea even though this time of life is pummeling my self-esteem, my faith, my hope and sometimes even my belief in Heavenly Father’s promises? The jerk is making sure that I am challenged every step of this particular part of my path and quite frankly I’ve had just about enough.

So why is he trying so hard? Why is he making sure that every happy feeling is hard earned?

As I think about these things only one thing comes to mind. Something great is coming. Something wonderful and eternally important is headed my way and he wants to stop me. If he can keep me from going to church, going to the Temple, saying my prayers, reading the scriptures, paying my tithe, and following the guidance of the Holy Ghost and the Lords servants then he wins. Heavenly Fathers plan is thwarted and yet another eternal family is yet to be created and my eternal misery is laid in a very firm foundation.

I have a new favorite talk. It is Russell M. Nelsons: Stay in the Boat. His council is to beg us to stay in the boat until we get to the other side. Sooner or later this trial has to end. It has to change and though we may not yet see the shore it’s out there. I know it is. After all, if it weren’t the jerk wouldn’t be working so hard to convince you (and me) that it isn’t.

A New Approach? (Marnie)

My sister sent me a link to an article about a new book that has come out called, It Just Hasn’t Happened Yet, written by Karin Anderson. I think any woman over 30 who isn't married can relate to this article. Who hasn’t had the questions about our marital status, “You are so cute, I can’t figure out why you aren’t married!” I actually had one man actually say as a followup, "no really, why can't you get married? What's wrong with you? Are you too picky?" It was as though I had some sort of secret to why I've not succeeded at finding a mate. I was so shocked and embarrassed by the comment I actually started defending myself racking my brain for reasons why I hadn't achieved the goal. It was humiliating and I'm ashamed I let him make me feel that way. I'm sure I'm not alone in having situations like that.

But back to the article...

This article talks about how single women after a certain age (she says 40, but in Mormon culture I think it starts at 30) start to really listen to some of those back-handed compliments and wonder if there is truth to it. I know I’ve fallen for that trap, thinking that I must be a total mess if I can't get married because everyone thinks I should be. Yet some of the most obnoxious, rude and so-less-than-perfect women somehow land a husband. Anderson’s idea is that the only reason people get married is because they are “lucky.” I’m not sure if I completely agree. Some are maybe lucky. But some are just stupid. It does seem that finding a spouse is all about timing - your timing, his timing...and if that isn't right, there is no marriage. When I think about it like that, it does sound all about luck.

If it is all about luck, that also means that everyone is on the same playing field. No married woman is a better than a single woman. You can’t make judgments of how good a person is based solely on marital status – although I think society does it all the time.

Anderson is saying there really isn’t anything wrong with us. That it “just hasn’t happened yet” and to not stress about it. I think I agree to a point. I still think the “Marnie” of 1997 who was nowhere near being ready for the idea of marriage, would have run from marriage faster than anybody. I'm sure of that. But things have changed and I'm not that same "Marnie." I’ve been working on so many things and trying to be more open and more approachable. Yep, I’m not exactly where I want to be. However, being perfect shouldn’t be a requirement to get married - and frankly, it ISN'T. (I really do want to kill the person that started that rumor!) So obsessing and getting down on myself doesn’t help the situation at all. And that’s where I think this article has a really important message: we shouldn’t give up and throw in the towel, but instead repeat to ourselves, just as Anderson says, “it just hasn’t happened yet!”

Want to Share?

Do you have something you'd like to share on the Confessions of a Single Mormon Girl blog? We (well, it's just mostly me now) are open to guest posts from other single women who want to share their thoughts and feelings about this time in their lives.

I figured it out and we now have a new email address you can send your post to. It works, I promise! So please send it on: confessionssmg@earthlink.net

Marnie,
Last Single Standing and Blogging - at least on this website :)

Reality (Marnie)

I was talking with a friend who has a medical condition that keeps her from having kids. Well, she thinks it would. She isn’t married yet and hasn’t had the chance to try it out. But she’s 40 now. And she truthfully told me she doesn’t want to have kids. She’s just too old. The dream had died and she had moved on to just appreciate being an aunt to great nieces and nephews and “waiting for the millennium” to finally get her chance at motherhood.

I applauded her ability to move on, but personally I’m not there yet. I’m still selfish and think I can still have a kid even though I’ll probably be 61 when that kid moves out of the house. Jane Seymour had twins at age 46 and she's been my hope for the future.

Is it fair to be that old and have kids? Is it right? Is it wise? Beats me! It’s just what I want! And yet, it doesn’t matter what that “want” is. I can do all I can – and I’ve done a lot to find a mate – things that would make “normal” women roll their eyes and as we’ve seen, strangers make comments to this blog condemning me and saying, “seriously? You still think like that?” But I’m committed! I’m determined! And yet in the end, I have zero power over the situation. If it isn’t what God wants, it ain’t happening…

That realization that it's out of my control has been a tough road. Just like so many single, Mormon women my age, I take on life with full force. I’m accused of being too independent and intimidating to some men. But nothing has brought me more tears and faster to my knees than my search for a spouse. And I’m still there. Still on my knees. Still pleading. But I’m coming closer to the fact that there is only one way and that’s God’s way. For it to be right and what I want, it’s in God’s hands and his timing.

I only wish I could embrace God’s way with happiness and gratitude. I still get so sad and annoyed about it - more than I should. Maybe when I can truly accept God’s will with gratitude, things will change? Yep, I’m still trying to outwit God. Anticipate his moves and actions – understand his motivations. But that doesn’t work either.

I think what I want most is understanding of the apparent “necessary wait.” If I need to learn something, let’s do it! Let’s learn! Let’s get this over with! I don’t care how painful or scary. Let’s get this over with!

Yet, it isn’t about running into a fight and scrapping around. It’s about waiting and being ok with the wait. And it's apparent I’m not…yet.

Cycles (Marnie)

Life is about cycles. I’m just coming out of one. There are the ups and downs of normal life, our “womanly” cycles, all sorts of cycles…

That’s what life is about. Going through cycles and trying to come out on top.

Yep, my cycle is one you are guessing I’m talking about. This blog is about dating and finding a mate, so of course I’m referring to the cycle of a relationship.

It started out shaky – I wasn’t entirely sure about him. But he seemed interested and did kind and thoughtful things – along with having a great sense of humor. There were some obvious obstacles, although, I tried hard to just focus on just “having a good time.” I thought in the back of my mind, if he cares enough, these obstacles won’t be a problem in the end.

It continued to build momentum. I tried to keep guarded but with no other good options (and I was really looking!), I lost the war and fell for him. He had so much of what I was looking for!

Then there comes the point where you are either moving forward or backward. Yep, mine went backward. Just like so many times in the past.

It was a rough month of uncertainty as I had to test the waters and see how much I really meant to him.

When the appropriate time came – luckily I recognized it after much pondering and prayer – I got my answer of what was to be. And it wasn’t.

It hurt. It always hurts. Why do I think it won’t? I’m not different from anyone else. The circumstances and the names of the guys may be different, but the disappointment, sadness and frustration are all the same.

Why was it so hard to get back up this time? I longed to force myself to a very short “mourning” period. I hate being a baby, whining and pining about a lost opportunity. And I had very stern talks with myself –giving great instruction on why it’s better to move on, forget about him, forget about the past, look forward to the future. You know, get back out there on that dating horse!

Yet, there were no dates to ride. And it was just empty and quiet. No good distractions, except unfortunate opportunities to run into him. Yuck.

It’s a cycle. They are never quite the same, but it still has to be ridden to the very end.

I feel better now. It’s still a famine in the dating world but I still wonder if it’s the vibe I’m giving off. It took such a long time to get here! Way longer than I wanted or he deserved. But I learned some important lessons. The most important one was how much I CAN’T do this alone. No one really understands what it’s like to be me. And I would NEVER assume to know what it’s like to be you. But the Savior knows and cares. And only through the atonement can I find relief. Not just from my sins, but from my disappointments and broken heart. I keep forgetting that. It’s a stupid thing to forget but the distractions of the world and my own pride seem to keep me from seeing that simple truth at crucial times. Luckily, I finally remembered and stopped suffering alone.

So that’s my excuse for leaving the blogging world for a while. Not a great reason or excuse, but it’s all I’ve got. I’ve considered dropping this blog more than once. I’m the last of those that started in the beginning. And if anyone was reading in the beginning, I wasn’t too active and vocal like the others. It’s hard to share so much and so often. To continue to carry the torch alone is a tough one! Being left behind isn’t fun. Nobody likes it. And one thing that was agreed in the beginning about this blog was to never make this a pity session or a “rant and rave” session with no real resolution.

But after careful thought, I realize I need to sit back and reflect more, instead of trying to distract myself from another loss. Just as I can’t give up on my goal to get married, I can’t give up on the blog. I only hope I really have something worth saying and I can try to say it more often….