Hope(Bridget)

So, i've sort of had blogger's block. I have been on a couple of dates, but honestly have felt shy about sharing the details...you know you have intimacy issues when you're timid about sharing information on an anonymous blog. Although the dates didn't move me to write, an afternoon out with a dear friend of mine did. This dear friend is one of those women that other women wish they could be like. She is fearless in trying new things, accomplished in her career, has travelled the world and is a kind and generous friend to many. She has always been an active member of the LDS church and has a strong testimony of the importance of the gospel of Jesus Christ. She has been an example to me at times in my life where I didn't have any others. We met fifteen years ago and have been close friends ever since, our friendship is one of those that started before this life I am convinced. We were destined to meet, and many times I have felt the power in the sisterhood I feel with her.


Every single woman over 30 I know has had to develop the ability to focus on something other than her desire to be married, because it can be an all encompassing desire, and left unchecked can be accompanied with loss and frustration. I can look back at times in my life where the desire was so intense that all I could think of was to back away from those things that made the desire more poignant, unfortunately for me that meant backing away from spirituality and activity in my church. These things brought me happiness at times, but they also reminded me often of what I didn't have. Many other factors were involved of course in my inactivity, including a lot of pride and selfishness. I feel that the most important factor was my loss of hope. I could not see that the Lord would come through on what he had promised me. I was tired and felt stripped of all desire to go on the way He had asked me to. It actually took me years to come back to my spirituality and to acknowledge my deep beliefs again. My pathway was one of growth and experiences that I thought at the time were liberating,but ultimately ended with me on my knees, literally and figuratively. I had strayed to a path that could not harvest the hope needed to really achieve my dreams.


I'm sure we have all had those relationships that when they ended, our hope ended with them. A relationship that seemed to show us what we were capable of and how amazing a union could be, a dream realized, and then when it ended, seemed to pull that dream away from us,leaving us a crumpled heap on the floor.
Yesterday I felt very thankful that I am a single woman, and this doesn't happen very often. I was thankful to be in the place that I am because my best friend expressed to me that she has lost hope. She has put on a brave face for years, has always been such a strong woman, making lemons out of lemonade..and with the end of an all important relationship is left without hope. I felt very thankful that I was in a position to relate to her. to listen to her. To be quiet when she needed it and to tell her I understand at the times she needed it.


Life is cyclical. I regained hope at somepoint...and although I don't have it at all times I have more than I have ever had in my life. I said a silent prayer to Heavenly Father, in thanks, that I was able to have a little bit to share with my friend, even though she is so far from feeling it right now. I actually felt that I was exactly in the right place at the right time, with the exactly right marriage status. If I had been married at 23 I may not have been able to relate to the sadness and sheer hopelessness of my friend of 15 years.


I am so thankful for the passage of time. For the good Lord who knows us and loves us. For the guidance that is available if we just request it. I love my friend. She will have everything she has been promised. I feel the hope for her, and when she is ready I know she will find it again.

Kissing (Leah)

Last night I took Phil to a group thing where he met a friend. On the sly she asked how long we'd been dating and if we'd kissed yet. It got me thinking of how girlfriends are quick to ask that question. No matter how long you've been dating a guy a girlfriend tends to think physical intimacy should quickly follow. When I reply "no, nothing yet" the girlfriends will often come back with, "well I know you can speed that up" - as if they expect me to "close the deal" like some perfect salesman. I was reminded of Marnie trying to listen to herself and none of those well meaning friends. Now don't think me a perfect prude, I once kissed a guy on the first date - he started it - but I was happy to keep it going. I've also waited a few months. I'm not one to have a time line. I decided that I'm with Marnie - I intend to listen to my own desires and the flow of the relationship and not do anything rash because of any ticking clocks - ovaries or that of friends trying to live vicariously. For now I'm happy to sit and discuss big and small ideas of various kinds with Phil. When the time comes for he or me to make any move I think we'll know. It's rather refreshing, though, to know he'll ask me out regularly enough and there's no added weight of physical intimacy to muddle things up.

My Pledge….(Marnie)

I’ve expressed before how I don’t have a lot of experience when it comes to relationships and dating. I’ve got the “first date” thing down for sure, but the whole “date a guy” thing I’m not too good at. At least I don’t think I am.

I’ve been reflecting on my past experiences and wondering – well, you know – what I did wrong. Now don’t freak out! I don’t blame myself for the relationships failing. I’ve come to terms long ago that what happened in the end was EXACTLY what should have happened and is really for the best.

But a friend of mine was talking to me and reflecting on how emotional I was through those roller coaster rides of relationships. Lots of highs and lows; almost a bi-polar relationship each time. I would be really happy at the beginning of the day then by the end – from whatever did or didn’t happen OR from what someone said or didn’t say about the relationship – I could be way down to the ground wondering why I ever thought HE liked me. And now after all is said and done, I often think, that dude didn’t even go through an iota of what I endured during those relationships.

Why was I like that? Why couldn’t I be just normal emotionally when contemplating the relationship – you know “even keeled” – like a man would? Is it because I’m a woman? Am I built to be full of lots of highs and lows? Yes, we are cyclical but geez! I would get dizzy from the ups and downs I was feeling at different moments. And I know it wasn’t all that fun. Ok, the highs were, but the lows?? In fact I was never really just confident in the relationship. I was always looking for signs or indications either way. Did he like me today because he emailed faster then he did last week? Did he not like me anymore because he waited a day to call me? I was always second guessing and required LOTS of reassurance from – yep, not the guy – but from friends and relatives that helped me “interpret” what was going on.

Now that I look back, that is the most INSANE thing I’ve ever done! What the HECK was I thinking?? Why didn’t someone tell me I was being completely irrational? Ok, my one friend tried, but I was too emotional to see it.

So, this next relationship – whoever that lucky guy is – is going to be SO different (because nowadays I do everything differently – expect that in the next blog).

Therefore, I, Marnie, now pledge that while dating a man:

1. I will have ZERO expectations – that includes PLANNING in my head on how our dates should go, when they should go, what kind they should be, and how often they should occur.

2. I will not over think his actions and take him at complete face value instead of trying to “interpret” his actions.

3. I will not look for signs – I will only take what he says as truth.

4. I will not listen to women that give random and very biased advice in trying to figure out if the guy likes me “enough” or how I should act depending on that woman’s view of my relationship is. (I really do need to keep my insecurities and worries to myself!)

5. If I want to know if they guy I go out with likes me, I WILL ASK HIM and not make up in my head what he will say IF I had the courage to ask.

6. I will not “protect” myself by expecting the worst of any given relationship – I will only expect the best of it! (and that includes thinking it could lead to marriage instead of expecting a breakup).

7. I will never plan farther than 1 week in advance in my head concerning a possible date with the guy I’m dating/sorta dating.

8. I will never let another woman’s take on my relationship overshadow how I feel the relationship is going or what it is. (I can’t tell you how often I listened to someone else and didn’t follow my gut on what was going on or what I should do next in a relationship).

Now I know a bunch of you are saying, “Good luck, sister! You can’t do it, because no woman on earth exists that can pull all of that off!” But alas, for my mental health I have to figure out how to do it!

And as Yoda says in Empire Strikes Back:
"Try not. Do...or do not. There is no try."

I'm all over it, Master Yoda!

Talking (Leah)

"I like girls cause they're fun to talk to."
That was written by one of my students today on an assignment where the students describe themselves in a collage. I couldn't help but agree. One of my friends recently told me how happy she was because the guy she is dating asked her out and said she could tell him funny stories. Apparently it makes him happy to just listen to her tell funny stories. It reminded me of what Phil said not too long ago, how he likes to listen to me talk. I think the best thing to make a woman happy is to listen to her. And now I have proof from the younger generation.

Recruiting (Kris)

Well, we are sad (and happy) to lose Marcia. Clue is a lucky guy. We are still looking forward to some additional posts from her, but I thought it was time to put the call out for another blogger. Any of the readers out there interested? Please email us at confessionsSMG@lycos.com.

Here's the sales pitch.... I'm giving the blog credit for Marcia and Clue working things out. Her honesty on the blog inspired some hard, honest conversations in their relationship which, IMHO, saved them from some serious miscommunication and possibly breaking up. (Marcia you're welcome to correct me on that one.) I also credit the blog for my meeting Grant. I'd tried internet dating previously and was too apprehensive. This time, I joined the dating sites more as an assignment for this blog which made it way less scary, let me relax and enjoy the process, and proved to be the best thing ever. If Leah, Marnie and/or Bridget want to post about what they think the blog has done or not done for their dating/personal lives or how much they enjoy it, I'll leave that to them.

You can remain completely anonymous, even to the rest of us bloggers. Send me an email if you're interested. We need you! Ü

Taking Control (Leah)

I know that one of the concerns many of my girl friends have about dating is the aspect of control - or "who's got hand," as we sometimes say. As women we often feel at a disadvantage because of the traditional approach to dating where the woman has to wait for the guy to ask her out. We all know it's not quite as simple as that, but in our times of frustration we may over simplify it by blaming the man. As for "hand" I know women often try to keep it by putting a guy off just enough to keep him wanting - there are all kinds of theories and strategies related to that. Really I'm terrible at it all. I lack the grace of subtlety required to manage "hand" and I lack the confidence to even know if I have it or not. I know, however, that too many people tend to blame everything else (the world, the church, the friends, the exes, the family, whatever) for their lack of a relationship. Today I came across a quote, though, that fully expresses my attitude about that perspective. Forgive me if I get it a bit wrong: "If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door." I really believe it is every one's responsibility to find their own happiness, whether in a relationship or not, but stop finding blame outside of yourself.

Excuse the Rant (Leah)

I know we have strict rules that this is not a blog for ranting, so I shall only state and let the reader rant in private. My good family has been trying to help me get married - they've all been properly enticed with free babysitting if they find me a blind date - not even a good one. Extra baby sitting if it's a good one, though. Anyway, they really have tried. This week my out of state sister emailed very excitedly to tell me that her friend at church has a brother who is only a year older than me and he lives in Provo. Well, after further investigation the word is that he doesn't like blind dates. My sister went ahead, though, of taking the liberty to email him directly with a picture of me. He kindly wrote her back to say that he is having luck with younger women. I guess one year younger isn't younger enough. According to his sister his mother wishes he'd date women closer to his age. Did I mention that he lives in Provo? Okay, I'm done. I've stated.

My “Brothers” (Marnie)

I went on a road trip this weekend with some really great friends. There were 5 of us, two girlfriends of mine and two guy friends I consider my brothers. I haven’t had a lot of close “guy friends” in my life. I was always afraid of getting to close to them or them wanting more from me than I wanted to give. (I always feared confrontation of any kind with guys). But over the years, my girlfriends showed me how to let great men in your life that you didn’t end up with on a permanent basis. And after knowing them for 9 years, I consider them as brothers and the men in my life I can count on. They are the kind of men who come to my rescue when I need them. Because let’s face it! You never have a boyfriend when you need your new stackable washer and dryer moved in. And these “brothers” are always there for me.

I used to think, “Why bother getting to know a man that you won’t end up with?” (We are all in agreement that although we have fun together and share a great friendship – we’d be terrible for each other in a romantic relationship). You are only supposed to need your husband, right? And if they aren’t going to be your husband, why waste your time? But these guys have been important to me. They’ve helped me understand the male gender, become more open to them, and have helped me not to be so darn frightened of men in general.

While on our road trip, we had lots of conversation about dating and relationships between men and women. They both try hard to date too. (Maybe they should start a blog?) They are about as good at it as I am at finding a mate: hit and misses all over the place, risk taking and heartache, really trying but also going through “droughts” and rejection. My girlfriends and I are pretty open with them and feel safe enough to give our honest thoughts about dating men over 30 and expressing our struggles in finding that perfect guy. They are compassionate but also put us straight when we need to hear it. It’s so healthy it’s almost disgusting!! But I can’t tell you how helpful it’s been to me!

They don’t always tell me what I want to hear, but I need to hear it. The best advice they’ve given me is “don’t over-analyze what a guy does! Because most of the time we just don’t have an ulterior motive.” I always forget it’s the women that are the ones giving signals and scheming…guys just don’t think that deeply about it.

They’ve also told me many times to just be patient. I’m in the middle of flirting with several guys – practicing my “skills” as I like to call it – but I’m finding that I’m preferring one over the others. It makes it SO hard to focus on all of them and not pull away and just spend all of my flirting time with the one that I’m clicking with (let’s call him Mr. Click). It’s even harder because Mr. Click hasn’t done anything to really let me know he prefers me over any other girls he talks to. Sure, he’s been encouraging and flirting with me, but I’m done putting interpretations with “moments” or “looks” or really great conversations. You’ve got to deliver and do something!! The only way I will ever believe a guy is really interested in me is if he ASKS ME OUT. Hanging out at church activities or even parties is great! But until the risk is taken, I just won’t let myself even consider it a real interest. I’ve been burned too many times now to do it any differently.

Of course that is the rational side of me talking. But really, I'm prone to irrational thought processes. Keeping your heart from only wanting to be with someone like Mr. Click over the others while waiting for him to do “something” is so hard! I’ve been trying to be guarded (meaning trying to keep myself from having a real crush on him), but really it’s against the “natural woman” in females. We just like to focus on one. It’s our natural tendency AND our downfall.

I talked to my “brothers” about my current situation, and their advice? Keep looking around, keep flirting with them all and don’t discount any of them - even if you like one more than another - and be patient! I didn’t like that advice at all…but I know they are right! I need to keep getting out there! Keep meeting new people and NOT focusing too much of my time and effort on Mr. Click. And best of all, BE PATIENT!

What’s that scripture in Ether? “After the trial of your faith” Yeah, I’ve just got to keep trying and keeping the faith…

Luckily, I’ve got some great “brothers” who keep reminding me of that.

Simple Things Make a Woman Happy (Leah)

Now that I know Bryan is relying on us for some female insight, I have a little something to share. In my last post I mentioned how Phil's spontaneity made me happy. Well, Phil did something else that I think every woman really loves. In fact, when I shared it with some girlfriends they all responded the same: "Oh, that's so sweet - exactly what a girl wants!" He called me Sunday night and asked if he could come over and visit. Yep - he just wanted to sit and visit, you know, being the Sabbath and all, that seemed like an appropriate thing to do. We did walk around the neighborhood a bit, but then had a great conversation about life and work and such. I enjoyed it. Not too long, but perfect for making a woman happy.

Balance (Kris)

I enjoyed Leah's post on clarity as it is something I've been thinking about a lot lately too. This whole Grant thing has definitely been a sweep-me-off-my-feet kind of experience. I am a person who lives more in her head than in her heart, and my head has been spinning as I feel like Grant took my heart and ran with it. I'm feeling the desire for the rest of my body to catch up- for my head to make sense out of all that has been going on.

I've realized a lot of the things I do to bring clarity to my life have been neglected the past several weeks. I've wanted to spend as much time as possible with Grant which means little sleep, very little scripture study, prayers in a state of half-slumber, skipping ward temple night, and not getting daily exercise.

Part of me is OK with this. It is fun to have my life turned upside down by a boy, throw all sense out the window, and just be in la-la land for a while. Then my head kicks in and tells me to be practical, slow down, and think it all through. I start getting a little panicked about what's going on and how fast it's all happening.

I want to find a balance between the two. This weekend was a good start. Grant and I had a great bike ride up American Fork Canyon on Friday, and on Saturday night he sent me home early to get a good night's rest (thanks G!). Yesterday, I had some needed Kris-time to relax, read and get things done around my house. Today I feel rested and grounded-at least my feet are, my head is still a bit in the clouds thinking about how lucky I am to have found such a fabulous :) man! Balance is nice.