Wednesday, August 27, 2008

My Pledge….(Marnie)

I’ve expressed before how I don’t have a lot of experience when it comes to relationships and dating. I’ve got the “first date” thing down for sure, but the whole “date a guy” thing I’m not too good at. At least I don’t think I am.

I’ve been reflecting on my past experiences and wondering – well, you know – what I did wrong. Now don’t freak out! I don’t blame myself for the relationships failing. I’ve come to terms long ago that what happened in the end was EXACTLY what should have happened and is really for the best.

But a friend of mine was talking to me and reflecting on how emotional I was through those roller coaster rides of relationships. Lots of highs and lows; almost a bi-polar relationship each time. I would be really happy at the beginning of the day then by the end – from whatever did or didn’t happen OR from what someone said or didn’t say about the relationship – I could be way down to the ground wondering why I ever thought HE liked me. And now after all is said and done, I often think, that dude didn’t even go through an iota of what I endured during those relationships.

Why was I like that? Why couldn’t I be just normal emotionally when contemplating the relationship – you know “even keeled” – like a man would? Is it because I’m a woman? Am I built to be full of lots of highs and lows? Yes, we are cyclical but geez! I would get dizzy from the ups and downs I was feeling at different moments. And I know it wasn’t all that fun. Ok, the highs were, but the lows?? In fact I was never really just confident in the relationship. I was always looking for signs or indications either way. Did he like me today because he emailed faster then he did last week? Did he not like me anymore because he waited a day to call me? I was always second guessing and required LOTS of reassurance from – yep, not the guy – but from friends and relatives that helped me “interpret” what was going on.

Now that I look back, that is the most INSANE thing I’ve ever done! What the HECK was I thinking?? Why didn’t someone tell me I was being completely irrational? Ok, my one friend tried, but I was too emotional to see it.

So, this next relationship – whoever that lucky guy is – is going to be SO different (because nowadays I do everything differently – expect that in the next blog).

Therefore, I, Marnie, now pledge that while dating a man:

1. I will have ZERO expectations – that includes PLANNING in my head on how our dates should go, when they should go, what kind they should be, and how often they should occur.

2. I will not over think his actions and take him at complete face value instead of trying to “interpret” his actions.

3. I will not look for signs – I will only take what he says as truth.

4. I will not listen to women that give random and very biased advice in trying to figure out if the guy likes me “enough” or how I should act depending on that woman’s view of my relationship is. (I really do need to keep my insecurities and worries to myself!)

5. If I want to know if they guy I go out with likes me, I WILL ASK HIM and not make up in my head what he will say IF I had the courage to ask.

6. I will not “protect” myself by expecting the worst of any given relationship – I will only expect the best of it! (and that includes thinking it could lead to marriage instead of expecting a breakup).

7. I will never plan farther than 1 week in advance in my head concerning a possible date with the guy I’m dating/sorta dating.

8. I will never let another woman’s take on my relationship overshadow how I feel the relationship is going or what it is. (I can’t tell you how often I listened to someone else and didn’t follow my gut on what was going on or what I should do next in a relationship).

Now I know a bunch of you are saying, “Good luck, sister! You can’t do it, because no woman on earth exists that can pull all of that off!” But alas, for my mental health I have to figure out how to do it!

And as Yoda says in Empire Strikes Back:
"Try not. Do...or do not. There is no try."

I'm all over it, Master Yoda!


Bryan said...

We(Men)really are simple creatures. We have no ulterior motives in what we say. Definetly, I would always take what a man says at face value. In general, we try not to scheme or complicate relationships. I think the biggest problem with all of us is really knowing how we feel about each other though. Do we like or dislike each other? Communication is the key! We both do not want to settle for the so-so relationship. We do not want to waste our time. We want somebody who will love us forever and unconditionally all the time. Hopefully, we all have the spirit to give us some guidance on this.

Kris said...

I think those are all great. And I think you're pretty normal. We all fight a lot of that stuff in one degree or another. I'm on board and fully supportive. Go Marnie!

Leah said...

I am reminded of something I read in a book about marrying a fabulous man. It said to not worry about what the guy is thinking. Instead you need to be worrying about if YOU like the guy - is he as fabulous you need/deserve/want. That might help you tone down the ups and downs. It's what I have to keep reminding myself of as I go out with Phil.