Trials and Tribulations (Stella)

First off - Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all. I hope that everyone made it through the holidays with happy memories and fun experiences.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the trials and sufferings we experience during our mortal journeys. How different our struggles are. How tailor made they are for our strengths and weaknesses, personalities and fears. How your trials would have little effect on me and mine would seem simple to you.

Have you ever wondered why you have the lot you have? Why you struggle so hard with a particular hardship while others don't seem to have a care in the world? Over the years that I've read and participated in this blog I have often felt anger boil up in me at some of the comments that have been left to various posts. Until one day it hit me - that most of those comments were not meant to be cruel or unkind. Most were simply made of ignorant bewilderment. How in the world could this experience of single-hood in this day and age be a source of such great pain that you actually formed a support group and write about it?

Single hood is not a death sentence. It is not even close to the very worst thing that could happen to a person however if this is your trial then you know the ache that lives in your heart on a daily basis. If this is your particular cross to bear then you know how bleak and dark the future can look and how desperately hard it sometimes can be to focus on just today. If this is your mountain to climb then you know what it feels like to be able to almost see those who are missing from your life. To see the children your arms ache to hold, to see the spouse you desperately wish you could talk about your day to, to almost be able to taste the family dinners that go uneaten night after night. If this is your trial then you get it and I don't need to explain further.

If this isn't your trial then I ask you to think about the thing that keeps you up at night. Maybe it's a health issue, employment or the lack thereof, your children's happiness, financial security, personal safety, sins or regrets you would undo in a second if you had the power to. Maybe it's wondering if you will ever have the opportunities you've worked so hard for or having the secret dreams of your heart realized. Maybe it's feeling like you have no worth or value or doubt where you fit into the world. This thing I know - we all have them.

I had a pastor once give the following analogy: Imagine that your individual struggle is a cross that you wear on your shoulders all day. Now imagine that we are all given the opportunity to put that cross down in a room. We leave the room and re-enter to choose a cross more to our liking. We would all pick up the cross we had sat down in the first place. Interesting thought isn't it? I have no doubt that it is true - there are things that others go through that I wouldn't want to deal with for even a moment and if I'm truthful there are things that others deal with that are so inconsequential to me I wouldn't be challenged in the slightest.

I understand on some level why this is my trial. I need people more then I need air. I need love and others to love. I need relationships and connections and am motivated to change only when I know it will benefit someone else. That makes me sound more altruistic then I am but to say that I'm people orientated is an understatement.

What better trial to give me then the withholding of the most important relationships? The most important connections? To prove and try my faith, my belief, my strength? To see if I will endure all things the Lord sees fit to put upon me and stay true to Him? If I had to design a cross just for me I can't imagine one better fit to my weaknesses or one that will better push me into becoming a queen in my Father's kingdom.

In closing I guess what I'm saying that if you've come here to visit and what we say doesn't seem so important to you it's okay. Your struggles are different, your needs are different and your plan is tailor made just for you. I hope there is a blog out there for your particular need because for me on the tough days, this is my haven. My Cheers (alcohol free of course), and one of the few places I know I'll always find a kindred spirit or two.

Mr. Good Enough (Marnie)

I read the most fascinating and eye-opening book suggested by one of our readers this summer. It’s called “Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough” by Lori Gottlieb. Now before you go off and think “settling” means giving up the most important things you need in a future spouse – such as respect, responsibility, integrity, and a strong testimony – know that it’s not. In fact, I think this title might be a turn off and should be instead called, The Case for Accepting Mr. Good Enough. I’ll have to talk to her publisher….

There are many points the author puts out there – but one point I really related to was the fact that women often give up or pass up fantastic men because they don’t fit their extremely large list of “requirements” in a future spouse. Of course, some of her examples were just absurd: women who had relationships with men that were funny, smart, good looking, kind, and someone they related to but broke up with them because they weren’t romantic enough or dressed well enough. I think single women in their 30s and 40s realize that there is no perfect man and that romantic love stories in movies are just for the movies. They don’t exist.

Or do we?? Do we really believe it? Do we believe that the outer shell of a person doesn’t really reflect the person that will make a perfect husband and family man? The author had some excellent examples about how the men we THINK we want to marry are the men we pass up for trivial and silly reasons.

I’m completely guilty of that. I’ve broken up with a really great man for some unrealistic picture of a man, but I surely have passed up some men after only one date because – his laugh was just too annoying, or he had facial hair, or was shorter than me, or I just didn’t “feel” anything after a first date. And after reading this book, I’m completely ashamed.

Now let me qualify here that there are some men that have asked me out that yes - it ain’t ever gonna to happen. But aren’t there also some people in my social circle that I have written off for no real good reason who could be a real potential and great spouse if I just “got over myself?” And I don’t mean the creepy or the needy ones, or those with absolutely no social skills. I mean, the nice guys that we overlook because they are too nice, aren’t tall enough, or have less education then us, or not quite good looking enough.

Have you ever said about a guy, “oh, he is the absolute best! Kind, funny, fulfills his church calling. He’d be perfect for anyone but me!” I do that ALL the time! But why?? I think it’s time I start analyzing and realizing why I’m really discounting these men. Are they good enough reasons? Are these reasons important ENOUGH? Is it just because I’ve always wanted a man 4.5 inches taller than me so I discount those that aren’t? Or a man who has a better job than me that will impress family and friends? Or is it because that one guy that dumped me had that one special trait that I just thought was so perfect for me and I keep holding on to it as though it’s the most important thing in the world and discounting men that don’t have it?

REALLY? Isn’t this exactly the shallow behavior I accuse men of doing all the time???

I liked this book because it had reality in it. I’m forty. My dating pool is smaller and with scarier looking fish. I need to open my horizons and stop focusing on the shallow things we accuse the men in the world of doing. I need to look at MYSELF and stop getting in my own way of finding my spouse.

So what does that mean? What am I going to give up? Well, there are several childish, ridiculous rules I made up when I was 12 when dreaming of a future husband. Admit it! You’ve all had them. I’ve given up several already, I’m proud to admit. Here is a list of some of the qualifications I had as a college student:

1. Had to be from a big city and not from Utah. (that lasted 3 years before I fell for a guy from Toquerville, Utah. Population 910.)

2. Had to be over 5’11 (love of my life admitted he was lying when he said he was 5’8” and was actually 5’7” yet I could have cared less)

3. Never married – because I never wanted to be compared to a previous wife (Yet, I dated another great guy who was divorced and was the most thoughtful of all I’ve dated)

Well, luckily I got over those childish reasons. But yet I’ve still held on to some with all my might and strength and won’t give them up because I’m too prideful to admit that they are childish. I’m not telling you what they are – I’ve already admitted too much here. But you know what I’m talking about. These stringent rules that eliminate really good men because we feel like we can’t control much in this life, so darn it, we are going to control this about who we marry!

Things like they had to served a mission and be righteous to this very day with no bumps in the road in their past, has to have all the skills to be a future Bishop, has to be charismatic and take the lead but also let you lead whenever you want to, can’t be shy, has to like your favorite types of movies or music, has to anticipate your needs before you know them…you can see how this list can be completely ridiculous.

I had a lot of epiphanies from this book and I’ll be posting about them later, but one other point I want to share is the need of letting the man I marry be human. If I expect a man to accept me for all that I am – with my many failings and quirks – I should give him a break and let him be just as human and quirky. If he wears bow ties and forgets to take out the trash, so what! As long as he loves and adores me and is a supportive husband. He should be allowed to be just as human as I am.

Do you see the difference from giving up some things you should never compromise from the things that really have no bearing on a good marriage? Having that realization is helping me think about the men in my life differently.

I challenge you (and myself) to take a good look at the men around you and see if they have the qualities you are looking for even if they might not be in the perfect packaging. Which guy makes you laugh? Which guy do you respect for how he treats you and others? Which guy is really kind and looks out for others? Even if they are 20 pounds overweight, no hair and dresses like he is a crazy professor - take the time to get to know them and flirt or even ask them out once. No, you aren’t committing to marriage so don’t get freaked out! You are just opening up your options and seeing people as Christ does.

I think you’d be really surprised as to who you might find attractive in the end – IF you just give him a chance.