To Celebrate or Not to Celebrate (Leah)

I wanted to post something I’ve been thinking about but I don’t want to be “negative.” We’ll see how it goes. This week one of my single guy friends sent an article to me about Valentine’s. It basically stated that it’s a retailers’ holiday and should be boycotted for the sake of true love. Bob full heartedly agreed with the article. I’m one to shun “the establishment” and I too hate to think I’m being “sold” anything so normally I’d be agreeing with him. Well, maybe it’s because I’m happily connecting with Phil these days, but I found myself disagreeing. (Maybe if I’d read the article during a between-Phils stage I’d have agreed with it.) Anyway, because this anti-vday article got me thinking about how men (Bob is a guy and the author of the article is a guy) view the holiday I began noticing how other men I know (married friends, co-workers, etc) view the holiday. And I was surprised and a bit sad to see plenty of v-day haters. I get the impression that they don’t like it because they feel manipulated. Nobody likes to be manipulated. I think in the world of expressing emotion there can be a lot of undue pressure put on men to express things they may feel, but would rather not express on command or in a rote way. It DOES seem that society has trained us to think that the only acceptable form of expressing affection is in the form of candy and flowers. Well, with all this thinking I decided that if a man really wants to buck the system and be independent and non-manipulated by the retail industry he can find plenty of alternative ways for expressing his emotion. As for the date he does it – I say it never hurts to have an excuse to show some love. It’s like ward temple day – sure you can go when you want, but it’s sort of nice to have a set date to do it in case you tend to forget and there’s something communal and good natured about doing it with others. Celebrate!

maybe if more men recited poetry (marcia)

With Valentines Day coming up, I thought I'd share my new favorite poem that Clue recited to me when we were just starting to get serious. It totally worked.

The Bread and the Knife by Billy Collins

You are the bread and the knife,
the crystal goblet and the wine.
You are the dew on the morning grass
and the burning wheel of the sun.
You are the white apron of the baker,
and the marsh birds suddenly in flight.

However, you are not the wind in the orchard,
the plums on the counter, or the house of cards.
And you are certainly not the pine-scented air.
There is just no way that you are the pine-scented air.

It is possible that you are the fish under the bridge,
maybe even the pigeon on the general's head,
but you are not even close to being the field of cornflowers at dusk.

And a quick look in the mirror will show
that you are neither the boots in the corner
nor the boat asleep in its boathouse.

It might interest you to know,
speaking of the plentiful imagery of the world,
that I am the sound of rain on the roof.
I also happen to be the shooting star,
the evening paper blowing down an alley
and the basket of chestnuts on the kitchen table.

I am also the moon in the trees
and the blind woman's tea cup.

But don't worry,
I'm not the bread and the knife.

You are still the bread and the knife.
You will always be the bread and the knife,
not to mention the crystal goblet and--somehow--the wine.

Happy Valentines Day!

Persistence and Patience (Marnie)

I’ve just finished reading, If I’m so Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single? By Susan Page. She has a lot of insightful information in that book! Some of it really hit home and I’ll go into some of the issues I identified with in later posts. But one of the principles she talked about is Persistence and Patience. She says the key to getting married is really to keep dating and not give up. Don’t burn yourself out, but just keep trying and trying. Well, easier said than done!

These last few months have been about me working on my mantra and actually living it. The gist of it is that I believe I can meet some great “potentials” and date them. That means not only repeating this mantra several times each day, but living it. I’ve gone beyond my normal comfort zone of attending parties (several on New Years eve alone!!) and functions where I can meet the kind of guys I want to date. I’ve flirted, done the security guard stare, and tried to be as open an approachable as possible. It’s a lot of work and I’ve had my moments of awkwardness and disappointment. But I have had some success. I even went out with a couple of guys – even one that I really thought there was a real possibility.

But unfortunately, it didn’t turn out that way. It’s sad because I really thought there could be something there.

I kinda feel like I’ve been through a bushel of overripe apples – studied, examined and found the best apple that looked the tastiest out of all of them, took a bite and realized it had lost all of it’s flavor. It was such a promising apple!! And now after a whole bushel, not one apple that fits my needs. I feel so deflated from the last apple that I can’t help be think discouraging thoughts such as, “really? This is the best there is out there?” Or, “What are the chances that I find a guy that has what I’m looking for AND is emotionally ready for a long-term commitment? Or even wants me back?? Is that even possible???”

It seems so futile. And I just want to throw my hands up in the air and walk away because the emotional investment and risk taking to just meet guys and try to encourage them to ask you out leaves you in all sorts of vulnerable positions and completely drained. Who wants to do THAT again? Especially when the options can look so bleak at times.

Well, I’m not into self-pitying for too long. I believe this book. Not because it has some magic answer but that it speaks truth. Statistically speaking, the more you get yourself out there and take risks, the sooner you will stumble into the right guy that is ready for something real and meaningful (aka marriage).

So until I find some new good possibilities and find who I’m looking for I’m going to keep repeating over in my head, “persistence and patience, persistence and patience, persistence and patience, persistence and patience, persistence and patience, persistence and patience, persistence and patience, persistence and patience.”

Hey, I may even cross-stitch it!!

Love Languages (Leah)

I just tried writing something for work. It got lost in a careless computer button pushing error. I tried to rewrite it and came up dry. So, instead, I’ll try to post something on the blog!
I’ve recently been discussing the challenges of dating with a friend whose boyfriend hates gift giving and thus hates holidays. As a gift giver herself, she’s extremely sad about this upcoming weekend. In fact, I bet she’s convinced her relationship won’t last past Saturday. I can’t blame her. Every time I try to think of “tomorrow” I can easily scare myself. I keep focusing just on today. In her case, though, it seems like some serious consideration of the love languages is called for.
Have we all read it? I think it’s been around for awhile. I read it years ago – three or four Phils ago, actually. It’s taken me awhile to figure out my love languages. I’m pretty sure mine is quality time. I love it when a friend calls or visits and just spends time catching up hearing all my woes. I am also big of physical touch, but I’ve learned the hard way over the years that touch doesn’t always equal love like I thought it did. Gift giving, my friend’s love language, is not spoken by her boyfriend, thus giving her a bit of a challenge in truly expressing her love, or feeling loved. Gifts make me happy, but only when it seems like a gift that took time and attention, and the love is felt in the exchanging of gifts. Words of affirmation may be a big one for me. All I know is that in the years I’ve been dating I rarely hear them – I wonder if it’s just not a guy thing. When Phil expresses himself in words, like that, though, I feel like I’m flying. I know that all love languages speak to us, but if you have a primary one that your significant other is not especially talented in expressing then you need to be aware that it’s time for you to learn a foreign language. I really do believe the languages can be learned – both in giving and receiving. Wouldn’t true love be shown if I managed to express love in a way that means a lot to Phil, even if it doesn’t come terribly naturally for me? Now if I can only figure out with more confidence what his love language is. I guess I better ask more questions – do some finding out!

Caution: Dating Causes Humility - and Sometimes Humiliation (Marnie)

So all those non-dating years from 16 to 30 really has left me miles away from being properly experienced for dating. I'm sure everyone has had their learning experiences about what is kosher on a date and what is totally taboo. I've watched lots of chick flicks trying to make up from a huge lack of personal experience, but sometimes I just choke!

Like for instance, the guy I've been waiting to ask me out for months caught me off guard when he called me and asked me out. He asked me for a night I couldn't go. Instead of doing the appropriate, "Oh, I'm not available Friday night, how about Saturday night?" all I could do was ramble about how I had to go to a stupid function and how I wished I didn't. I knew after the conversation that he would think I was just being polite and trying to let him down easy. It was so sad that I didn't have enough experience (or brain cells) to spit out what I SHOULD of said to give him the proper vibes to encourage him of my interest. I CHOKED.

I knew he wouldn't ask me out again (call it intuition or revelation, whichever), so I took a chance and asked him out to something I needed a date for awhile later. Luckily he said yes. I was having such a relaxed, good time with him that night that I started forgetting I was on a first date - which can be dangerous.

Now the dating books say that on a first date you are supposed to be on your best behavior, try to watch what you say and not be offensive. On a first date, a lot rests on first impressions when it comes to getting that second date. Did I remember that? No! I just kept spewing - talking off the cuff and not really thinking about what I was saying. (I couldn't help it!! he was really easy to talk to!)

Then I heard a huge generality coming from my mouth, "Yeah, I never want to be rich. Rich people are snobs and their children are spoiled rotten and become menaces to society" and so forth. At one point he said, looking rather serious, "how much does a person have to make before you consider them rich?" Because I don't know this guy all that well, I knew I had gone into dangerous territory - what if his family WAS rich and I just offended him and his family? Maybe he was rich!! WHY WAS I STILL TALKING ABOUT THIS???

This is of course not the first time I've made a fool out of myself or learned the hard way about the rules of etiquette on dates or to put it bluntly - what turns a guy off...there really are too many to bring up.

But stuff like this reminds me why I've avoided dating for some many years - so many opportunities to look silly or say something embarrassing. Now that I'm in a time in my life that I am dating and practicing a fair amount, it still brings me down that I still have so far to go before I'm not making silly blunders like this. UGH! What I wouldn't do for rewind buttons on dates!!

Before you think I feel too sorry for myself, I know this goes both ways and guys have their humiliating moments. I've witnessed behavior by dates that I know they wished they could have a "do-over" (like we used to get as kids when playing kick ball).

I went out with one guy who had a cow because I beat him at a card game and INSISTED on a rematch instead of just going to the next activity. When he did beat me he rubbed it in my face like he had done something great. He later mentioned that he felt bad for acting like that.

And then there was the guy that went ON and ON about his stomach and bowel problems. That wasn't fun to hear - and I didn't ask.

Then there was the guy that talked the WHOLE night about his ex-wife and how mean she was. And then to top it off he bragged about how he got kicked off a dating website for "inappropriate" behavior - three times!

I'm sure all of them thought later that maybe they shouldn't have said what they said during the night. I know I regretted hearing it.

But sometimes it turns out ok in the end. A friend of mine once told me that on her fist date with her husband, he stood up from the table at a restaurant and acted like a monkey - literally. She later asked him why he did it. He admitted that he was just trying to impress her and that's what came to his mind to do right then. He regretted it.

It worked out in the end for them - because they got married - and I guess if there is really "something" between two people, it won't matter in those silly embarrassing moments. But still...how many times have I made a snap judgment on a guy by one thing he said? He is trying to impress me as much as I'm trying to impress him! Maybe I should be giving more "do-overs" myself. I know that's what I would want.

So, that cute guy that I went out with and hoped he would call to ask me out again? Yep...didn't call. Here's hoping it wasn't the "rich" comment and instead he left town for the weekend! Maybe next week he'll call???

Ah! Humility...What a glorious thing! (insert sarcasm here)

The question of the week: what's the most embarrassing thing you've done or said on a date?

What I learned from Adam Walsh (Leah)

So much in my head – constantly thinking I should blog, but then I don’t get around to it and I feel guilty. Guilt is useless. ’m going to come up with something now. Today my students and I were discussing competition, in particular among friends. Is it good? Is it okay to compete against friends? Can a good friendship survive the most difficult situations? Well, it just so happens I was talking to a friend last night about the recent news in the Adam Walsh case. I remember as a young child watching the “made for TV movie” about his disappearance. What I remember most from that story is that his disappearance led to troubles in his parents’ marriage. In my memory they wound up divorced, but I think in the news recently I noticed they were married, so who knows where I got that idea. But the point is, when I was young I took note of an important lesson from his disappearance. I learned that when really difficult situations arise, marriages often can’t survive. The individuals turn so inward toward their own grief and suffering that they fail to support each other and think of those who are still living. It’s true that what happened to them was horrible and hard, but that was the time to really rely on each other and look for ways to comfort and sustain the other – not turn inward. Easy for me to say, I guess. But a few years ago when I was experiencing some of my own very trying grief I was also in the middle of a long distance relationship that I felt was taking a lot of time and attention. When I complained to him of how hard it was for me to worry about “us” while also coping with my own personal trial he suggested we break things off. I responded quickly with a “no way” – I had seen the story of Adam Walsh and I knew that when things get tough then that’s when you stick together. That’s when you just try harder to be there for each other. I was just asking him to do more since I was feeling so emotionally drained. A month later he broke it off. He said he wasn’t feeling right about it – I can totally respect that decision, but at the time I wondered if my personal challenge precipitated his lack of feeling. It was long distance – I think it’s hard for a man to feel like he’s really helping emotionally when he’s physically so far away. It was an amicable break up – my trial had passed by that time (nearly) and I was able to move on. Still, I won’t forget the important lesson I learned from Adam Walsh. He taught me how relationships can (and must) survive the most difficult situations. And I guess a question for another day is how do you deal with personal suffering without dragging others down with you? Maybe I know the answer but I think I need to constantly ponder it.

Coming Out(Bridget)

Kris was the one that invited me to be on this blog, and I am thankful she did, I would have never thought about it...so thank you Kris. I have decided to start my own blog...head out on my own...not as Bridget, but as Jen, who I really am. Please visit me at musingsofamormongirl.blogspot.com.
Thank you Marcia,Leah,Marnie,Scully and Lorelai for being great blog pals and for all of your insight and support.

Falling off the Planet (Lorelai)

I just realized how easy and refreshing it is to fall off the planet and how terribly difficult it is to recover. Just yesterday it was Thanksgiving, a minute ago it was Christmas, this very nanosecond January is passing me by. I took ten days off from Christmas to New Years and it was wonderful. I had so much fun playing with DK, making crafts, cleaning the house and reading several books that have been on my list. While I was away I did not get on the Internet once, not once. I limited my TV time to sharing time with my son and I did not even attempt to learn all the fun things my new cell phone will do. But now that I am back I am playing major catch up. It is astonishing how much things can pile up in the technological world. Seriously, I thought technology was supposed to make life less complicated!

To me excess is sometimes the hardest thing to control in this life. I mean the excess of good possibilities. There are so many options. The good, better, best kind (as Elder Oaks would say). In my recovery process I decided to continue to limit Internet and TV time at my home (although I have spent far too many minutes playing with my new phone) and concentrate on the better things. I hope that I can get to the point where I can choose only the best things.

I am not exactly sure how this relates to dating other than I find it difficult to make the time. There are so many choices of what I can do with my time that making time for dating has been difficult. My alternate choices are not bad choices so it makes it easier to choose not to put myself out there. But just as I was able to recover from becoming a hermit for ten glorious days I know I can recover from avoiding dating opportunities.

Expectations (Leah)

Sometimes you start out a relationship with a person because he SEEMs to be a pretty good option. From what little you know of him there’s no reason not to get to know him better. As you do get to know him you are impressed with little things. Stuff comes up, though, that makes you wonder and ask yourself what it could mean for the future. Thinking about the future is inevitable – the next day, the next date, the next week, then next month, the next year – you can’t help but ask yourself how your relationship with this person is going to affect your future. I know some of the debates I’ve had relate to my fears about the relationship NOT working out as much as my fears of it working out. I worry about the pain and awkwardness of trying to “just be friends.” Lately, though, I’ve tried really hard to not worry about any of it. I’ve focused a lot more on just the moment and being present in the moment. One of the things I’ve discovered is that the moment I’m in is ALWAYS better than anything I’d have anticipated. Of course I’ve fallen back on old habits of expecting and anticipating something exciting and fun, but when that moment comes I’m a bit disappointed because it never matches my expectations. So I’m again reminded to just live in the moment and be grateful for what happens as it goes. I just have to share that New Phil continually surprises me, as each moment with him brings new joy that I never expected. Dating him has been a real blessing in my life.

Congratulations Kris!! (marcia)

Congratulations to Kris who marries Grant today!!

Kris is the founder of this blog - she wanted to do something that would help her reach her goal of getting married. I'd say she met her goal!

I always say that it's a miracle when two people find each other - but I also believe that miracles happen everyday!

Best of luck and much happiness to you both!!

Marcia