I visited with a friend of mine I haven’t talked to in a long while. She wanted to know how I was doing since my breakup last spring. As I gave her a rundown, it brought up some feelings I guess I still haven’t let go of. I thought I had been doing much better, but when I it all came out, it was apparent I wasn’t. It depressed me to think so much time had passed and I hadn’t worked through it yet.
She was great to listen and not pass judgment, although I know she felt helpless in being able to help me. She’s married with 5 kids and as her life keeps changing, my life doesn’t show much in that department. The concern and worry on her face as I vented my fears, frustrations, and lack of hope, made ME concerned. How depressing was it to listen to me?? How many times does it feel like I’ve been here before and told her the same things? I feel like a broken record – with no new insight but just the same old problems and insecurities. It can’t be true – but it sure feels like it!
So I’m done. I’m done complaining about the quality of men I date, the lack of results I get, and the hopelessness I feel. I feel like all I do is complain through my cycle of relationships, and doing this complaining doesn’t seem to help. It surely doesn’t help my attitude, either.
I can make a list of reasons why I’m not married - from irrational thoughts to logical statistics. But even I’m bored by them now! I can’t figure it out and I don’t think I’m meant to. So the only way I know how to change what is happening is to stop. Stop it all. Not stop trying, just stop this obsession to understand why. Stop discussing it in minute details. Stop wallowing in the past disappointments, yelling to the sky, “WHY???” over and over. My heart has been broken before – it will be broken again, no doubt. So why dwell on it? Yeah it hurts like hell but living like this - dredging up the past and reanalyzing it, and questioning God doesn’t help me feel better. I believe in the grieving process, but being the drama queen I am, I have taken this grieving to a new level that just isn’t right and is affecting my happiness.
I think what I really need to do is start forgiving. Forgiving me, forgiving the men I’ve dated that have hurt me, and yes, even forgiving God for not giving me what I want. I know that shocks a lot of you – because some think one shouldn’t be mad at God. But its how I feel. This natural response – at least for me – has got to metamorphous into something better. Because I won’t give up! I won’t stop looking or flirting or dating or trying to get a spouse. I refuse to die like an old maid – even if my soul keeps getting bruised and kicked against the curb. But I’ve been dealing with this all wrong. If I’m going to continue to work on achieving this goal – my reaction and how I deal with it all HAS got to be better. Otherwise I’m not getting anywhere and remaining miserable.
I’ve talked before about my frustration with and desire to accept God’s will, and I haven’t gotten very far. So that ends today. From now on, I accept God’s will and I’m going to trust Him. You may think I’m lying or even crazy to think I can do it, but frankly, waiting for my feelings and desires to change isn’t working.
I’ve heard several talks from General Conference in the last few years about choosing faith. It’s a choice and not something you just get from nowhere. You just have to decide and take a risk. Then the faith comes. And I think choosing and trusting God’s will works the same way. I can pray until I’m blue in the face but until I change how I’m going to think and deal with this all, nothing will change. I have to take the leap of faith and just do it. I believe God helps us – a lot. But I also believe he lets struggle until we “get it.” And I’m just beginning to “get it.”
The other thing I’m going to do is truly forgive. I’ve been praying about it, hoping God will just make these horrible thoughts and hurts go away and let me forgive. Yep, you guessed it! It doesn’t work that way. I just need to decide. So whether I’m ready or not, I’m going to forgive. Just like that!
How am I going to do it? After I told a friend about my problem with forgiving, she suggested it was time I actually did it, and then prayed for the feeling of forgiveness to come into my heart. I need to take action and properly acknowledge what I’m forgiving. Once I do that, then it’s all up to God. She suggested I write down “I forgive….” for each of the people I need to forgive listing the action I’m forgiving. And that list of people includes myself. Something about writing it down makes it much more of a reality instead of just a good idea. It gets out of your system. Once I write it out, I’m going to get rid of it. That way, the process is really permanent. No sense in dwelling on the past. It’s time to move on…
Some of you may not like this blog entry. You may think I’m being trite and not sensitive to how hard it is to be single. That is where you are really wrong. I know it. I feel it. It hurts. But my bad attitude has not helped and it’s time to adjust it. So I will choose faith, trust God’s will (as much as it scares the spit out of me), and truly forgive – not just the half-hearted kind. It’s going to take some time, a lot of work and self-control, AND a lot of prayer but I’m going to conquer this! Because something has got to change and frankly, I can only change me.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Another Guest Post from Stella
As a never married single adult in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints I have seen many changes in my peers, in the efforts of the church and in the general attitude among members. Most of these changes have been very positive as understanding has increased. I can honestly say that my ward loves me and that I am a welcome member but please do not mistake that to mean that I fit or that I belong there. As the sole single (active) member of my ward under the age of 60 I can say without pause that every week the effort that it takes to go to church, slap a smile on my face, and act like it doesn't hurt is a herculean effort. I cry my eyes out on a weekly basis as I drive home from my meetings and remind myself of everything I know to be true - Heavenly Father loves me, He hasn't forgotten me, I am being given these experiences to strengthen me and to make me the woman I need to be. I remind myself of every church talk I have ever heard about patience, about enduring to the end, about the importance of every member and then I cry anyway.
The thing that I see missing is simply this: while the gospel is perfect and following its principles is the ONLY thing on this earth that will make us happy and please our Heavenly Father there is a great disconnect between the principles I learn at church and my life. I support 100% the strengthening of families and the importance of raising children. I support 100% my RS lessons that remind each sister how important her job at home is. I believe these are good and true principles and I fight every day for the family in my work as a social worker. I am convinced that these lessons should be taught and that we all need to take part. But what about me? What do I do with this besides suffer through it and not let others see my heart literally aching in my chest? After 5 years in my ward I'm happy to report that I've learned the skills necessary to keep great suffering (and make no mistake it is SUFFERING) inside so that I don't make others uncomfortable and so I don't give the appearance of faithlessness. I have had the blessing of holding important callings in my ward and (so I'm told) that my fellow sisters admire me. If I can show strength in the face of great trial then I hope that I can inspire others to do the same.
So what do I need? The only time I feel normal and the pain goes away is in the company of fellow singles. Unfortunately in my area most are inactive and the few who are active are so spread out that it's difficult to maintain any type of closeness. As a never married woman with no children I feel especially unique. I have kept my Temple covenants and have continued to go to church and almost as great as the desire for a husband and family of my own is the desire for female friends who are like me. I am tired of meeting only those who have fallen away and are struggling to come back. I simply am not strong enough right now, I need friends who have strong testimonies and who get what I'm going through and have been going through my entire adult life. I need friends who have Temple recommends who go to church and who haven't let the anger and depression overtake them. I am tired of struggling all by myself. I know that I am loved. I know that my church leaders, family and married friends pray for me and hurt for me but unless you've walked this path you don't get it. You don't understand the CONSTANT fight with anger, depression, doubts of value and worth, faith and endurance. It never ends and Sundays are, for me, the worst day of the week. It shouldn't be like this.
I know the Lord has provided us the way to endure this life and has taught us what to do but in the face of heart breaking loneliness and despair where too many women never date, never feel like they have value it is much too easy to fall away when you have no support group. We need each other. We need programs just for us, the mid singles where we don't need to fight off the advances of men older then our fathers. We need a place where the inactive can return, find their place and grow. Activities just don't seem to be cutting it. If I have to go to another dance, or another activity that is just like the ones I went to as a YW and then a YSA - well truthfully I stopped going a long time ago. I am a grown woman and I have no more interest in these weekly activities then any other adult person. My life goals have nothing to do with my social life.
I want a ward full of people like me. I want to stop feeling like a left over. I did not knowingly or willingly choose this path and I honestly don't know what I could have done differently. I want to be treated like an adult of course but I don't want to have activities and services geared towards me and others like me to be fit around everything else. I do not want to go to the 8pm SA Temple session because someone thinks that's when we want to go. I am a woman in her 30's with a full time career, a part time job and I am as tired at 8pm as anyone else. I have heard it said that we shouldn't label ourselves as single - but I don't know how to stop doing that. I am single, in a church that celebrates marriage and family I am SINGLE. I go to Single Adult Activities, my church records list me as single, with a simple N/A under husband and children. I am the sister who is scared to death to sit by herself at church because I am alone. Calling it something different does not change or alter that. In a faith that promotes and encourages happy marriages I am all alone with little prospects because the prospects aren't showing up. I believe, well I have to believe, that if a mid-singles ward were available in my area I would at the very least have an opportunity to have single girlfriends though my hearts desire is and as far as I can tell, will continue to be the hole only filled by my husband and children.
I want to know that the righteous men of the church are being held to a high standard. Are they being asked about their dating habits in their quorums, during their Temple recommends? I want to know that the church is doing what they can to keep our men on the straight and narrow (and though I know free agency will always prevail) I want to know that while my blessings are being withheld those who have the power to bless me are, at the very least, being held accountable for their decisions.
So how do we fix this - I don't know. I don't consider this 'issue' a problem the church has created. I believe that individuals have created this need through their choices. For example I met a truly fantastic guy at an activity a few weeks ago. We spent the entire activity together laughing and talking and shared many similar interests. He is a good man, served a mission, went to college, has a good job and hallelujah! doesn't live with his parents. He invited me on a group date. Well not so much a date as said we should do something and get a bunch of people together. I should take a moment and note that during the course of our day together I learned that he 1) wants a wife desperately, 2) has no interest in ANY of the girls in our area, and when asked what he did want responded 3) "I want her to be hot." I try very hard to see boys in a positive light and not 'man bash' but in my opinion this good brother with his balding head and extended belly has left the running for a 'hot' woman and should have enough maturity to be thankful at finding a good, righteous woman who is quite stunning and who can look past his physical self and see all the wonderful things that he is.
I don't know the right answers to meet these needs. I believe a ward just for mid-singles is a great start. It would encourage those who have left to come back. They aren't alone anymore and they don't need to be lonely. Activities that are different then those we've been doing for 20 years would be wonderful. Something fitting for adults - theatre, travel, small dinner groups. Something that doesn't make us dance. I would even encourage 'planting' men into the group to show the other men how to do it. This is how you ask a girl to dance, this is how you compliment a woman and not be afraid that she's going to interpret this as a marriage proposal, this is how you take the lead with a woman and make her feel special and respected.
Yes, these are the things I want. If anyone has any idea on how to accomplish it I'm listening.
The thing that I see missing is simply this: while the gospel is perfect and following its principles is the ONLY thing on this earth that will make us happy and please our Heavenly Father there is a great disconnect between the principles I learn at church and my life. I support 100% the strengthening of families and the importance of raising children. I support 100% my RS lessons that remind each sister how important her job at home is. I believe these are good and true principles and I fight every day for the family in my work as a social worker. I am convinced that these lessons should be taught and that we all need to take part. But what about me? What do I do with this besides suffer through it and not let others see my heart literally aching in my chest? After 5 years in my ward I'm happy to report that I've learned the skills necessary to keep great suffering (and make no mistake it is SUFFERING) inside so that I don't make others uncomfortable and so I don't give the appearance of faithlessness. I have had the blessing of holding important callings in my ward and (so I'm told) that my fellow sisters admire me. If I can show strength in the face of great trial then I hope that I can inspire others to do the same.
So what do I need? The only time I feel normal and the pain goes away is in the company of fellow singles. Unfortunately in my area most are inactive and the few who are active are so spread out that it's difficult to maintain any type of closeness. As a never married woman with no children I feel especially unique. I have kept my Temple covenants and have continued to go to church and almost as great as the desire for a husband and family of my own is the desire for female friends who are like me. I am tired of meeting only those who have fallen away and are struggling to come back. I simply am not strong enough right now, I need friends who have strong testimonies and who get what I'm going through and have been going through my entire adult life. I need friends who have Temple recommends who go to church and who haven't let the anger and depression overtake them. I am tired of struggling all by myself. I know that I am loved. I know that my church leaders, family and married friends pray for me and hurt for me but unless you've walked this path you don't get it. You don't understand the CONSTANT fight with anger, depression, doubts of value and worth, faith and endurance. It never ends and Sundays are, for me, the worst day of the week. It shouldn't be like this.
I know the Lord has provided us the way to endure this life and has taught us what to do but in the face of heart breaking loneliness and despair where too many women never date, never feel like they have value it is much too easy to fall away when you have no support group. We need each other. We need programs just for us, the mid singles where we don't need to fight off the advances of men older then our fathers. We need a place where the inactive can return, find their place and grow. Activities just don't seem to be cutting it. If I have to go to another dance, or another activity that is just like the ones I went to as a YW and then a YSA - well truthfully I stopped going a long time ago. I am a grown woman and I have no more interest in these weekly activities then any other adult person. My life goals have nothing to do with my social life.
I want a ward full of people like me. I want to stop feeling like a left over. I did not knowingly or willingly choose this path and I honestly don't know what I could have done differently. I want to be treated like an adult of course but I don't want to have activities and services geared towards me and others like me to be fit around everything else. I do not want to go to the 8pm SA Temple session because someone thinks that's when we want to go. I am a woman in her 30's with a full time career, a part time job and I am as tired at 8pm as anyone else. I have heard it said that we shouldn't label ourselves as single - but I don't know how to stop doing that. I am single, in a church that celebrates marriage and family I am SINGLE. I go to Single Adult Activities, my church records list me as single, with a simple N/A under husband and children. I am the sister who is scared to death to sit by herself at church because I am alone. Calling it something different does not change or alter that. In a faith that promotes and encourages happy marriages I am all alone with little prospects because the prospects aren't showing up. I believe, well I have to believe, that if a mid-singles ward were available in my area I would at the very least have an opportunity to have single girlfriends though my hearts desire is and as far as I can tell, will continue to be the hole only filled by my husband and children.
I want to know that the righteous men of the church are being held to a high standard. Are they being asked about their dating habits in their quorums, during their Temple recommends? I want to know that the church is doing what they can to keep our men on the straight and narrow (and though I know free agency will always prevail) I want to know that while my blessings are being withheld those who have the power to bless me are, at the very least, being held accountable for their decisions.
So how do we fix this - I don't know. I don't consider this 'issue' a problem the church has created. I believe that individuals have created this need through their choices. For example I met a truly fantastic guy at an activity a few weeks ago. We spent the entire activity together laughing and talking and shared many similar interests. He is a good man, served a mission, went to college, has a good job and hallelujah! doesn't live with his parents. He invited me on a group date. Well not so much a date as said we should do something and get a bunch of people together. I should take a moment and note that during the course of our day together I learned that he 1) wants a wife desperately, 2) has no interest in ANY of the girls in our area, and when asked what he did want responded 3) "I want her to be hot." I try very hard to see boys in a positive light and not 'man bash' but in my opinion this good brother with his balding head and extended belly has left the running for a 'hot' woman and should have enough maturity to be thankful at finding a good, righteous woman who is quite stunning and who can look past his physical self and see all the wonderful things that he is.
I don't know the right answers to meet these needs. I believe a ward just for mid-singles is a great start. It would encourage those who have left to come back. They aren't alone anymore and they don't need to be lonely. Activities that are different then those we've been doing for 20 years would be wonderful. Something fitting for adults - theatre, travel, small dinner groups. Something that doesn't make us dance. I would even encourage 'planting' men into the group to show the other men how to do it. This is how you ask a girl to dance, this is how you compliment a woman and not be afraid that she's going to interpret this as a marriage proposal, this is how you take the lead with a woman and make her feel special and respected.
Yes, these are the things I want. If anyone has any idea on how to accomplish it I'm listening.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Guest Post by Stella Skywalker
Hi Friends! My name, well codename, is Stella and I can’t even begin to describe how happy I was to find this blog. As a single, never been married woman I have finally reached the place where it's really starting to bother me. 40 isn't too far away and my 'patience' (if I ever had any) is starting to wear thin. I unfortunately live in an area where too many singles are inactive especially those in their 30’s and 40’s and more often then not I find my heart aching to have someone who ‘gets’ it and who can share the ups and downs of this time of life. Too often I feel completely alone and while I have been blessed with some truly amazing friends my bestest and dearest are all married with families and though they love me, empathize, cry for me and with me and pray for my blessings to come they don’t understand. Sometimes you just need someone who gets it and who is struggling the same way you are, striving to stay strong and doing their best to avoid taking the seemingly easy way out. So all that said I’m happy to be here and I’m happy you’re here too. Hopefully my thoughts and ideas are shared and not further evidence that I really have finally lost my mind. So here we go…
*********************************************************************
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the one I call “the jerk.” We’ve all met him; we’ve all been under his predatory attack; some have succumbed and some have fought with all they’ve got. He is relentless and I have come to finally figure out he will never ever go away. I have to become stronger then he is until his attacks are merely barely noticed annoyances rather then the “knock me off my path with the force of a nuclear explosion” events that I have recently experienced.
Now that I have your attention let me make it perfectly clear who the jerk is. He is not one of our sweet brothers who struggle, as we do, with making it through this life. The jerk is the adversary - the one who lives to see all of us fail. The one whose sole purpose is to keep us from happiness, keep us from knowing who we really are, who lies and deceives to make sure we stay confused and unfocused.
Have you ever really stopped to ponder who you are? What lies within you to achieve and become? Every now and then I can feel it. Actually feel who I have the potential to become. It’s all there and wow she is SOMETHING. Granted the Stella I am today is far from that amazing being that I can occasionally sense but just knowing that I could someday become her is a rather sobering thought. How do I get there? How do I hold on to this idea even though this time of life is pummeling my self-esteem, my faith, my hope and sometimes even my belief in Heavenly Father’s promises? The jerk is making sure that I am challenged every step of this particular part of my path and quite frankly I’ve had just about enough.
So why is he trying so hard? Why is he making sure that every happy feeling is hard earned?
As I think about these things only one thing comes to mind. Something great is coming. Something wonderful and eternally important is headed my way and he wants to stop me. If he can keep me from going to church, going to the Temple, saying my prayers, reading the scriptures, paying my tithe, and following the guidance of the Holy Ghost and the Lords servants then he wins. Heavenly Fathers plan is thwarted and yet another eternal family is yet to be created and my eternal misery is laid in a very firm foundation.
I have a new favorite talk. It is Russell M. Nelsons: Stay in the Boat. His council is to beg us to stay in the boat until we get to the other side. Sooner or later this trial has to end. It has to change and though we may not yet see the shore it’s out there. I know it is. After all, if it weren’t the jerk wouldn’t be working so hard to convince you (and me) that it isn’t.
*********************************************************************
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the one I call “the jerk.” We’ve all met him; we’ve all been under his predatory attack; some have succumbed and some have fought with all they’ve got. He is relentless and I have come to finally figure out he will never ever go away. I have to become stronger then he is until his attacks are merely barely noticed annoyances rather then the “knock me off my path with the force of a nuclear explosion” events that I have recently experienced.
Now that I have your attention let me make it perfectly clear who the jerk is. He is not one of our sweet brothers who struggle, as we do, with making it through this life. The jerk is the adversary - the one who lives to see all of us fail. The one whose sole purpose is to keep us from happiness, keep us from knowing who we really are, who lies and deceives to make sure we stay confused and unfocused.
Have you ever really stopped to ponder who you are? What lies within you to achieve and become? Every now and then I can feel it. Actually feel who I have the potential to become. It’s all there and wow she is SOMETHING. Granted the Stella I am today is far from that amazing being that I can occasionally sense but just knowing that I could someday become her is a rather sobering thought. How do I get there? How do I hold on to this idea even though this time of life is pummeling my self-esteem, my faith, my hope and sometimes even my belief in Heavenly Father’s promises? The jerk is making sure that I am challenged every step of this particular part of my path and quite frankly I’ve had just about enough.
So why is he trying so hard? Why is he making sure that every happy feeling is hard earned?
As I think about these things only one thing comes to mind. Something great is coming. Something wonderful and eternally important is headed my way and he wants to stop me. If he can keep me from going to church, going to the Temple, saying my prayers, reading the scriptures, paying my tithe, and following the guidance of the Holy Ghost and the Lords servants then he wins. Heavenly Fathers plan is thwarted and yet another eternal family is yet to be created and my eternal misery is laid in a very firm foundation.
I have a new favorite talk. It is Russell M. Nelsons: Stay in the Boat. His council is to beg us to stay in the boat until we get to the other side. Sooner or later this trial has to end. It has to change and though we may not yet see the shore it’s out there. I know it is. After all, if it weren’t the jerk wouldn’t be working so hard to convince you (and me) that it isn’t.
Monday, August 16, 2010
A New Approach? (Marnie)
My sister sent me a link to an article about a new book that has come out called, It Just Hasn’t Happened Yet, written by Karin Anderson. I think any woman over 30 who isn't married can relate to this article. Who hasn’t had the questions about our marital status, “You are so cute, I can’t figure out why you aren’t married!” I actually had one man actually say as a followup, "no really, why can't you get married? What's wrong with you? Are you too picky?" It was as though I had some sort of secret to why I've not succeeded at finding a mate. I was so shocked and embarrassed by the comment I actually started defending myself racking my brain for reasons why I hadn't achieved the goal. It was humiliating and I'm ashamed I let him make me feel that way. I'm sure I'm not alone in having situations like that.
But back to the article...
This article talks about how single women after a certain age (she says 40, but in Mormon culture I think it starts at 30) start to really listen to some of those back-handed compliments and wonder if there is truth to it. I know I’ve fallen for that trap, thinking that I must be a total mess if I can't get married because everyone thinks I should be. Yet some of the most obnoxious, rude and so-less-than-perfect women somehow land a husband. Anderson’s idea is that the only reason people get married is because they are “lucky.” I’m not sure if I completely agree. Some are maybe lucky. But some are just stupid. It does seem that finding a spouse is all about timing - your timing, his timing...and if that isn't right, there is no marriage. When I think about it like that, it does sound all about luck.
If it is all about luck, that also means that everyone is on the same playing field. No married woman is a better than a single woman. You can’t make judgments of how good a person is based solely on marital status – although I think society does it all the time.
Anderson is saying there really isn’t anything wrong with us. That it “just hasn’t happened yet” and to not stress about it. I think I agree to a point. I still think the “Marnie” of 1997 who was nowhere near being ready for the idea of marriage, would have run from marriage faster than anybody. I'm sure of that. But things have changed and I'm not that same "Marnie." I’ve been working on so many things and trying to be more open and more approachable. Yep, I’m not exactly where I want to be. However, being perfect shouldn’t be a requirement to get married - and frankly, it ISN'T. (I really do want to kill the person that started that rumor!) So obsessing and getting down on myself doesn’t help the situation at all. And that’s where I think this article has a really important message: we shouldn’t give up and throw in the towel, but instead repeat to ourselves, just as Anderson says, “it just hasn’t happened yet!”
But back to the article...
This article talks about how single women after a certain age (she says 40, but in Mormon culture I think it starts at 30) start to really listen to some of those back-handed compliments and wonder if there is truth to it. I know I’ve fallen for that trap, thinking that I must be a total mess if I can't get married because everyone thinks I should be. Yet some of the most obnoxious, rude and so-less-than-perfect women somehow land a husband. Anderson’s idea is that the only reason people get married is because they are “lucky.” I’m not sure if I completely agree. Some are maybe lucky. But some are just stupid. It does seem that finding a spouse is all about timing - your timing, his timing...and if that isn't right, there is no marriage. When I think about it like that, it does sound all about luck.
If it is all about luck, that also means that everyone is on the same playing field. No married woman is a better than a single woman. You can’t make judgments of how good a person is based solely on marital status – although I think society does it all the time.
Anderson is saying there really isn’t anything wrong with us. That it “just hasn’t happened yet” and to not stress about it. I think I agree to a point. I still think the “Marnie” of 1997 who was nowhere near being ready for the idea of marriage, would have run from marriage faster than anybody. I'm sure of that. But things have changed and I'm not that same "Marnie." I’ve been working on so many things and trying to be more open and more approachable. Yep, I’m not exactly where I want to be. However, being perfect shouldn’t be a requirement to get married - and frankly, it ISN'T. (I really do want to kill the person that started that rumor!) So obsessing and getting down on myself doesn’t help the situation at all. And that’s where I think this article has a really important message: we shouldn’t give up and throw in the towel, but instead repeat to ourselves, just as Anderson says, “it just hasn’t happened yet!”
Friday, August 6, 2010
Want to Share?
Do you have something you'd like to share on the Confessions of a Single Mormon Girl blog? We (well, it's just mostly me now) are open to guest posts from other single women who want to share their thoughts and feelings about this time in their lives.
I figured it out and we now have a new email address you can send your post to. It works, I promise! So please send it on: confessionssmg@earthlink.net
Marnie,
Last Single Standing and Blogging - at least on this website :)
I figured it out and we now have a new email address you can send your post to. It works, I promise! So please send it on: confessionssmg@earthlink.net
Marnie,
Last Single Standing and Blogging - at least on this website :)
Monday, August 2, 2010
Reality (Marnie)
I was talking with a friend who has a medical condition that keeps her from having kids. Well, she thinks it would. She isn’t married yet and hasn’t had the chance to try it out. But she’s 40 now. And she truthfully told me she doesn’t want to have kids. She’s just too old. The dream had died and she had moved on to just appreciate being an aunt to great nieces and nephews and “waiting for the millennium” to finally get her chance at motherhood.
I applauded her ability to move on, but personally I’m not there yet. I’m still selfish and think I can still have a kid even though I’ll probably be 61 when that kid moves out of the house. Jane Seymour had twins at age 46 and she's been my hope for the future.
Is it fair to be that old and have kids? Is it right? Is it wise? Beats me! It’s just what I want! And yet, it doesn’t matter what that “want” is. I can do all I can – and I’ve done a lot to find a mate – things that would make “normal” women roll their eyes and as we’ve seen, strangers make comments to this blog condemning me and saying, “seriously? You still think like that?” But I’m committed! I’m determined! And yet in the end, I have zero power over the situation. If it isn’t what God wants, it ain’t happening…
That realization that it's out of my control has been a tough road. Just like so many single, Mormon women my age, I take on life with full force. I’m accused of being too independent and intimidating to some men. But nothing has brought me more tears and faster to my knees than my search for a spouse. And I’m still there. Still on my knees. Still pleading. But I’m coming closer to the fact that there is only one way and that’s God’s way. For it to be right and what I want, it’s in God’s hands and his timing.
I only wish I could embrace God’s way with happiness and gratitude. I still get so sad and annoyed about it - more than I should. Maybe when I can truly accept God’s will with gratitude, things will change? Yep, I’m still trying to outwit God. Anticipate his moves and actions – understand his motivations. But that doesn’t work either.
I think what I want most is understanding of the apparent “necessary wait.” If I need to learn something, let’s do it! Let’s learn! Let’s get this over with! I don’t care how painful or scary. Let’s get this over with!
Yet, it isn’t about running into a fight and scrapping around. It’s about waiting and being ok with the wait. And it's apparent I’m not…yet.
I applauded her ability to move on, but personally I’m not there yet. I’m still selfish and think I can still have a kid even though I’ll probably be 61 when that kid moves out of the house. Jane Seymour had twins at age 46 and she's been my hope for the future.
Is it fair to be that old and have kids? Is it right? Is it wise? Beats me! It’s just what I want! And yet, it doesn’t matter what that “want” is. I can do all I can – and I’ve done a lot to find a mate – things that would make “normal” women roll their eyes and as we’ve seen, strangers make comments to this blog condemning me and saying, “seriously? You still think like that?” But I’m committed! I’m determined! And yet in the end, I have zero power over the situation. If it isn’t what God wants, it ain’t happening…
That realization that it's out of my control has been a tough road. Just like so many single, Mormon women my age, I take on life with full force. I’m accused of being too independent and intimidating to some men. But nothing has brought me more tears and faster to my knees than my search for a spouse. And I’m still there. Still on my knees. Still pleading. But I’m coming closer to the fact that there is only one way and that’s God’s way. For it to be right and what I want, it’s in God’s hands and his timing.
I only wish I could embrace God’s way with happiness and gratitude. I still get so sad and annoyed about it - more than I should. Maybe when I can truly accept God’s will with gratitude, things will change? Yep, I’m still trying to outwit God. Anticipate his moves and actions – understand his motivations. But that doesn’t work either.
I think what I want most is understanding of the apparent “necessary wait.” If I need to learn something, let’s do it! Let’s learn! Let’s get this over with! I don’t care how painful or scary. Let’s get this over with!
Yet, it isn’t about running into a fight and scrapping around. It’s about waiting and being ok with the wait. And it's apparent I’m not…yet.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Cycles (Marnie)
Life is about cycles. I’m just coming out of one. There are the ups and downs of normal life, our “womanly” cycles, all sorts of cycles…
That’s what life is about. Going through cycles and trying to come out on top.
Yep, my cycle is one you are guessing I’m talking about. This blog is about dating and finding a mate, so of course I’m referring to the cycle of a relationship.
It started out shaky – I wasn’t entirely sure about him. But he seemed interested and did kind and thoughtful things – along with having a great sense of humor. There were some obvious obstacles, although, I tried hard to just focus on just “having a good time.” I thought in the back of my mind, if he cares enough, these obstacles won’t be a problem in the end.
It continued to build momentum. I tried to keep guarded but with no other good options (and I was really looking!), I lost the war and fell for him. He had so much of what I was looking for!
Then there comes the point where you are either moving forward or backward. Yep, mine went backward. Just like so many times in the past.
It was a rough month of uncertainty as I had to test the waters and see how much I really meant to him.
When the appropriate time came – luckily I recognized it after much pondering and prayer – I got my answer of what was to be. And it wasn’t.
It hurt. It always hurts. Why do I think it won’t? I’m not different from anyone else. The circumstances and the names of the guys may be different, but the disappointment, sadness and frustration are all the same.
Why was it so hard to get back up this time? I longed to force myself to a very short “mourning” period. I hate being a baby, whining and pining about a lost opportunity. And I had very stern talks with myself –giving great instruction on why it’s better to move on, forget about him, forget about the past, look forward to the future. You know, get back out there on that dating horse!
Yet, there were no dates to ride. And it was just empty and quiet. No good distractions, except unfortunate opportunities to run into him. Yuck.
It’s a cycle. They are never quite the same, but it still has to be ridden to the very end.
I feel better now. It’s still a famine in the dating world but I still wonder if it’s the vibe I’m giving off. It took such a long time to get here! Way longer than I wanted or he deserved. But I learned some important lessons. The most important one was how much I CAN’T do this alone. No one really understands what it’s like to be me. And I would NEVER assume to know what it’s like to be you. But the Savior knows and cares. And only through the atonement can I find relief. Not just from my sins, but from my disappointments and broken heart. I keep forgetting that. It’s a stupid thing to forget but the distractions of the world and my own pride seem to keep me from seeing that simple truth at crucial times. Luckily, I finally remembered and stopped suffering alone.
So that’s my excuse for leaving the blogging world for a while. Not a great reason or excuse, but it’s all I’ve got. I’ve considered dropping this blog more than once. I’m the last of those that started in the beginning. And if anyone was reading in the beginning, I wasn’t too active and vocal like the others. It’s hard to share so much and so often. To continue to carry the torch alone is a tough one! Being left behind isn’t fun. Nobody likes it. And one thing that was agreed in the beginning about this blog was to never make this a pity session or a “rant and rave” session with no real resolution.
But after careful thought, I realize I need to sit back and reflect more, instead of trying to distract myself from another loss. Just as I can’t give up on my goal to get married, I can’t give up on the blog. I only hope I really have something worth saying and I can try to say it more often….
That’s what life is about. Going through cycles and trying to come out on top.
Yep, my cycle is one you are guessing I’m talking about. This blog is about dating and finding a mate, so of course I’m referring to the cycle of a relationship.
It started out shaky – I wasn’t entirely sure about him. But he seemed interested and did kind and thoughtful things – along with having a great sense of humor. There were some obvious obstacles, although, I tried hard to just focus on just “having a good time.” I thought in the back of my mind, if he cares enough, these obstacles won’t be a problem in the end.
It continued to build momentum. I tried to keep guarded but with no other good options (and I was really looking!), I lost the war and fell for him. He had so much of what I was looking for!
Then there comes the point where you are either moving forward or backward. Yep, mine went backward. Just like so many times in the past.
It was a rough month of uncertainty as I had to test the waters and see how much I really meant to him.
When the appropriate time came – luckily I recognized it after much pondering and prayer – I got my answer of what was to be. And it wasn’t.
It hurt. It always hurts. Why do I think it won’t? I’m not different from anyone else. The circumstances and the names of the guys may be different, but the disappointment, sadness and frustration are all the same.
Why was it so hard to get back up this time? I longed to force myself to a very short “mourning” period. I hate being a baby, whining and pining about a lost opportunity. And I had very stern talks with myself –giving great instruction on why it’s better to move on, forget about him, forget about the past, look forward to the future. You know, get back out there on that dating horse!
Yet, there were no dates to ride. And it was just empty and quiet. No good distractions, except unfortunate opportunities to run into him. Yuck.
It’s a cycle. They are never quite the same, but it still has to be ridden to the very end.
I feel better now. It’s still a famine in the dating world but I still wonder if it’s the vibe I’m giving off. It took such a long time to get here! Way longer than I wanted or he deserved. But I learned some important lessons. The most important one was how much I CAN’T do this alone. No one really understands what it’s like to be me. And I would NEVER assume to know what it’s like to be you. But the Savior knows and cares. And only through the atonement can I find relief. Not just from my sins, but from my disappointments and broken heart. I keep forgetting that. It’s a stupid thing to forget but the distractions of the world and my own pride seem to keep me from seeing that simple truth at crucial times. Luckily, I finally remembered and stopped suffering alone.
So that’s my excuse for leaving the blogging world for a while. Not a great reason or excuse, but it’s all I’ve got. I’ve considered dropping this blog more than once. I’m the last of those that started in the beginning. And if anyone was reading in the beginning, I wasn’t too active and vocal like the others. It’s hard to share so much and so often. To continue to carry the torch alone is a tough one! Being left behind isn’t fun. Nobody likes it. And one thing that was agreed in the beginning about this blog was to never make this a pity session or a “rant and rave” session with no real resolution.
But after careful thought, I realize I need to sit back and reflect more, instead of trying to distract myself from another loss. Just as I can’t give up on my goal to get married, I can’t give up on the blog. I only hope I really have something worth saying and I can try to say it more often….
Monday, June 28, 2010
Parable of the Two Re-Potted Plants (Marnie)
I re-potted two plants. One was ACHING to get out of the pot it was in, although I didn’t realize it until my mom made the suggestion. Once she did, it was so obvious that that was the secret to why it wasn’t thriving like it should have been and lacked the spunk and perkiness it used to have.
I switched out that pot that was too small and gave it to another plant that wasn’t doing all that bad, but wasn’t really meeting its true potential either. I felt this other pot might bring it more joy. It seemed better suited for it. This plant took twice as long to dry out in the old plastic pot - unlike the other plants - I worried about the plant molding in the pot if I wasn’t careful. I hoped that its new home in a terracotta pot which draws out the moisture faster would solve this problem and help it thrive better.
The first plant is doing better. It took a few days to adjust but it’s now thriving and looks healthier than it has been in a while.
The other plant? Well, I feel as though it’s very mad at me. Apparently, that plant liked the old pot. This new one – even though I feel it is better suited for its future - just isn’t feeling right to it. And this plant, which is supposed to be difficult to kill, looks like it’s on its last leg. It’s not thriving. It’s not adapting. It’s just looking sad. And lonely. And hurt.
I’m not entirely sure what I’m trying to say here, but I guess sometimes we are eager for change – things to help us move and grow in different ways. Things that will help us thrive and do better. Sure it’s a little bit of an adjustment, but sometimes we just clamor for excitement in that change.
And then there is the other plant. The kind that felt it was doing great! And then low and behold, someone turned its world upside down and forced it into a new pot, new situation, and new challenge.
We have a choice, but when that sort of change comes along – the unexpected and tumultuous - the temptation is great to just pout and wilt. Just like my plant is doing.
I’m not throwing stones. I’ve “been there, done that” hundreds of times – in both situations. I just wish I could stop from pouting and wilting. Yet, at times it feels like it’s all I have the energy to do, which really is ridiculous if you think about it.
If we are truly growing in our lives and learning from past experiences, the pouting and wilting is just a terrible waste of time! And so dangerous. There is no telling how it will affect our spirituality, or even our temporal lives. It only ends up hurting us – our souls. Sometimes I think the pouting and wilting will get me what I want. Ah! Silly plant! That is just a pipe dream spread through the media of television and movies the world gives us.
I only hope my little pouting and wilting plant will see that its new environment WILL be better. It just has to WANT to live in the new pot.
I’ve said it before…attitude is everything!
I switched out that pot that was too small and gave it to another plant that wasn’t doing all that bad, but wasn’t really meeting its true potential either. I felt this other pot might bring it more joy. It seemed better suited for it. This plant took twice as long to dry out in the old plastic pot - unlike the other plants - I worried about the plant molding in the pot if I wasn’t careful. I hoped that its new home in a terracotta pot which draws out the moisture faster would solve this problem and help it thrive better.
The first plant is doing better. It took a few days to adjust but it’s now thriving and looks healthier than it has been in a while.
The other plant? Well, I feel as though it’s very mad at me. Apparently, that plant liked the old pot. This new one – even though I feel it is better suited for its future - just isn’t feeling right to it. And this plant, which is supposed to be difficult to kill, looks like it’s on its last leg. It’s not thriving. It’s not adapting. It’s just looking sad. And lonely. And hurt.
I’m not entirely sure what I’m trying to say here, but I guess sometimes we are eager for change – things to help us move and grow in different ways. Things that will help us thrive and do better. Sure it’s a little bit of an adjustment, but sometimes we just clamor for excitement in that change.
And then there is the other plant. The kind that felt it was doing great! And then low and behold, someone turned its world upside down and forced it into a new pot, new situation, and new challenge.
We have a choice, but when that sort of change comes along – the unexpected and tumultuous - the temptation is great to just pout and wilt. Just like my plant is doing.
I’m not throwing stones. I’ve “been there, done that” hundreds of times – in both situations. I just wish I could stop from pouting and wilting. Yet, at times it feels like it’s all I have the energy to do, which really is ridiculous if you think about it.
If we are truly growing in our lives and learning from past experiences, the pouting and wilting is just a terrible waste of time! And so dangerous. There is no telling how it will affect our spirituality, or even our temporal lives. It only ends up hurting us – our souls. Sometimes I think the pouting and wilting will get me what I want. Ah! Silly plant! That is just a pipe dream spread through the media of television and movies the world gives us.
I only hope my little pouting and wilting plant will see that its new environment WILL be better. It just has to WANT to live in the new pot.
I’ve said it before…attitude is everything!
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Dating in the Eternities (Leah)
Excuse me for sharing this. I know I'm not a "Single Mormon Girl" anymore and probably shouldn't be posting here, but I have to say I still love this blog and love all the posts and comments and I can't resist just sharing a few more thoughts that come to me in relation to my "Leah" identity. I love being married, don't get me wrong, but sometimes I still identify better with my single friends than I do my new set of peers. In fact, the first month after being married if I saw a woman who was like myself, but still single, I felt guilty for having gotten married. Looking at her just made me think she "deserved" it more than I did - whatever that means. I found myself in elevators with single women and I wanted to tell them I really was just like them only a month or so before - it was like I felt I had betrayed my sisterhood or something weird. One time in the temple, when interacting with one of the workers who was a single woman, I found myself trying to hide my ring. I was even tempted to give her my maiden name. I think (hope) I'm getting over some of those feelings, but it sure is a process. Okay, maybe I need to create my own new blog "Confessions of a Recently Married Mormon Girl." I'll stop and get on with the original thought that motivated me to post on here.
What I wanted to share was an interesting idea presented by a friend of mine on the topic of dating and striving toward marriage. She was around 40 and single and living a full life, but frustrated with her prospects. One day the thought occurred to her that if she didn't get married in this life, when she got to the other side, God wasn't going to say, "Here's your Son of Helaman" (or whatever), instead He would say, "All right, you better get dating, you still need to find a husband." The thought of continuing that same goal in the next life was painful to her and she figured she would rather complete it now than have to do it later. That thought never occurred to me, but you know, it sounded true when she said it.
I visit teach an older woman who was never married and she is determined to never do so in this life. She says she's too set in her ways and would have to compromise too much to marry now. She even sleeps in a twin sized bed. She expects to be wife number two or something in the next life. I think she has the attitude that she'll just be magically given a husband when she dies and life will be easy or something. I don't know but now I'm interested in asking her more about what she expects the next phase of eternal life will be like.
All I know is that there are a lot of lessons to be learned as a single woman while playing the dating game. In truth it's all about getting to know yourself better, work on your weaknesses, and in the process strengthen your relationship with God while learning to love as He does. It's not easy.
What I wanted to share was an interesting idea presented by a friend of mine on the topic of dating and striving toward marriage. She was around 40 and single and living a full life, but frustrated with her prospects. One day the thought occurred to her that if she didn't get married in this life, when she got to the other side, God wasn't going to say, "Here's your Son of Helaman" (or whatever), instead He would say, "All right, you better get dating, you still need to find a husband." The thought of continuing that same goal in the next life was painful to her and she figured she would rather complete it now than have to do it later. That thought never occurred to me, but you know, it sounded true when she said it.
I visit teach an older woman who was never married and she is determined to never do so in this life. She says she's too set in her ways and would have to compromise too much to marry now. She even sleeps in a twin sized bed. She expects to be wife number two or something in the next life. I think she has the attitude that she'll just be magically given a husband when she dies and life will be easy or something. I don't know but now I'm interested in asking her more about what she expects the next phase of eternal life will be like.
All I know is that there are a lot of lessons to be learned as a single woman while playing the dating game. In truth it's all about getting to know yourself better, work on your weaknesses, and in the process strengthen your relationship with God while learning to love as He does. It's not easy.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Gratitude Can Change Your Attitude (Marnie)
I would rather puke than listen to one more married person with a husband and 3.5 children tell me I should be grateful that I’m still single. I personally think that these comments should be outlawed. These insensitive individuals should have to pay some huge fine for their hurtful comment or at least spend a few days in jail. Because I didn’t marry their stupid husband or raise their rotten kids! Why should I be grateful to be single because they choose unwisely and created their own mess??
Unfortunately, they are completely right. But not for the reason they say.
I’ve found as I’ve made goals to improve my social life, work on my relationship skills, and even to get married (I’m on my third official goal now!! 2010 is MY YEAR!!), keeping the faith and trusting God has been REALLY tough. Just when I’m doing well, something happens and I seem to lose my footing and just start to fall apart. Sometimes I can stop it, but sometimes I just crash and burn…
We’ve been told to be grateful. I think it’s even a commandment. Well, from experience I know it helps me deal with my singleness – as crazy as that sounds. And remembering to be grateful helps me get out of that low place I find myself in.
Because on paper – discounting my hopes and dreams for a future family being unfulfilled – my life is not all that bad. I have a good stable job that I enjoy most of the time. I have a home and car that runs most of the time – neither are perfect - but they are a lot better than I thought I would have. I was blessed with a great family and parents that don’t give me any guilt trips about not living up to the goal of producing grandchildren for them – the one thing parents desire most when they hit 65 years old. I have great friends that keep track of me as though I am family – while I live far from my family. They have been the consistency a single person needs. Even as most of them have moved on and married, they still keep me a part of their life. And for some strange reason, they still want to hear my horrible, horror stories from my dating experiences. Go figure.
I think remembering all these things helps keep me positive about my future. Why? Because when you look at your life – really look at it – God blesses you so much. But you HAVE to recognize it. If you don’t see it, you can’t feel that love from God, which is so essential in dealing with the stresses of earthly existence. When I do take the time to realize how much I have and how much God has been a part of my life and blessed me, I am truly humbled and realize that focusing on what I don't have is not the point of it all and that it only makes me miserable.
Well, what if you don’t have a great job, or you are in debt up to your ears, live your life the very best you can every single day, and you are STILL unmarried? That seems even MORE unfair. But I can PROMISE you that if you examine your life, you’ll see how God watches out for you every day – how he helps you. Sometimes a whole lot in one day. It’s funny how quick we are to say a good thing is from luck or even from our own doing. We are very self-centered that way. (At least I know I am.) But if we take the time every day to recognize how God is in our life, we will appreciate everything so much more and will find that the void we feel – the lack of a husband and our children – won’t hurt as much. We’ll feel more love from God and will realize that he cares about every aspect of our being. And that he understands our pain and loneliness. And that he has a very special plan for us. Sure, we may not like our plan – or at least this part of the plan – but it is our own and it’s perfect for our progression.
Enjoying the journey is the hardest thing in the world for me - especially when the journey isn't what I planned. But appreciating what you have and recognizing the hand of God in your life while you go through the hard journey makes it a lot easier.
Pres. Henry B. Eyring tells of how he began a long time ago to write in his journey every single day about how God had a hand in his life and blessed him and his family. It changed everything for him. Well, I’m terrible at journals – but I’m going to do a 30 day experiment. I’m going to do what President Eyring did. I’m going to record every night how God helped me that day. Even if it’s that he gave me several green lights that got me to work on time when I was running late. My hope is that it will help keep me more grounded and help me give credit where credit is due. And most especially, help me find that happiness that only comes from feeling true gratitude for my life.
Unfortunately, they are completely right. But not for the reason they say.
I’ve found as I’ve made goals to improve my social life, work on my relationship skills, and even to get married (I’m on my third official goal now!! 2010 is MY YEAR!!), keeping the faith and trusting God has been REALLY tough. Just when I’m doing well, something happens and I seem to lose my footing and just start to fall apart. Sometimes I can stop it, but sometimes I just crash and burn…
We’ve been told to be grateful. I think it’s even a commandment. Well, from experience I know it helps me deal with my singleness – as crazy as that sounds. And remembering to be grateful helps me get out of that low place I find myself in.
Because on paper – discounting my hopes and dreams for a future family being unfulfilled – my life is not all that bad. I have a good stable job that I enjoy most of the time. I have a home and car that runs most of the time – neither are perfect - but they are a lot better than I thought I would have. I was blessed with a great family and parents that don’t give me any guilt trips about not living up to the goal of producing grandchildren for them – the one thing parents desire most when they hit 65 years old. I have great friends that keep track of me as though I am family – while I live far from my family. They have been the consistency a single person needs. Even as most of them have moved on and married, they still keep me a part of their life. And for some strange reason, they still want to hear my horrible, horror stories from my dating experiences. Go figure.
I think remembering all these things helps keep me positive about my future. Why? Because when you look at your life – really look at it – God blesses you so much. But you HAVE to recognize it. If you don’t see it, you can’t feel that love from God, which is so essential in dealing with the stresses of earthly existence. When I do take the time to realize how much I have and how much God has been a part of my life and blessed me, I am truly humbled and realize that focusing on what I don't have is not the point of it all and that it only makes me miserable.
Well, what if you don’t have a great job, or you are in debt up to your ears, live your life the very best you can every single day, and you are STILL unmarried? That seems even MORE unfair. But I can PROMISE you that if you examine your life, you’ll see how God watches out for you every day – how he helps you. Sometimes a whole lot in one day. It’s funny how quick we are to say a good thing is from luck or even from our own doing. We are very self-centered that way. (At least I know I am.) But if we take the time every day to recognize how God is in our life, we will appreciate everything so much more and will find that the void we feel – the lack of a husband and our children – won’t hurt as much. We’ll feel more love from God and will realize that he cares about every aspect of our being. And that he understands our pain and loneliness. And that he has a very special plan for us. Sure, we may not like our plan – or at least this part of the plan – but it is our own and it’s perfect for our progression.
Enjoying the journey is the hardest thing in the world for me - especially when the journey isn't what I planned. But appreciating what you have and recognizing the hand of God in your life while you go through the hard journey makes it a lot easier.
Pres. Henry B. Eyring tells of how he began a long time ago to write in his journey every single day about how God had a hand in his life and blessed him and his family. It changed everything for him. Well, I’m terrible at journals – but I’m going to do a 30 day experiment. I’m going to do what President Eyring did. I’m going to record every night how God helped me that day. Even if it’s that he gave me several green lights that got me to work on time when I was running late. My hope is that it will help keep me more grounded and help me give credit where credit is due. And most especially, help me find that happiness that only comes from feeling true gratitude for my life.
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