Dream A Little Dream...

I am one of those kooky romantic types who thinks dreams actually speak to me and teach me something new. I remember my dreams, often in vivid detail, and can usually find symbolism or at least explanation for the dreams I have.

About five years ago, for one week, I had the exact same dream. I can still remember snippets of it now. I was being chased. I was with someone I loved—though I don't remember who. And I was carrying a bouquet of red balloons. We were making our way through a train station, and every night, we were caught, and I would wake up right as our chasers, guns drawn, found us in a baggage car.

By the sixth night of this dream, I was afraid to go to sleep. But I eventually fell asleep, and the dream started again. Same sequence. We got to the train station, and a thought came to me:

“If you want a different outcome, you must let go of the balloons.”

But the balloons apparently were important to me, because I was hesitant to let them go. I ran a few more steps, looked up at the balloons, and then let them go. My loved one and I managed to escape with ease, and I haven't had that dream since.

So why I am telling you about a five year-old dream? Because while at the time, that dream taught me something important about my professional life, I find myself thinking about it now as I am once again navigating the waters of relationships. I struggle to make different emotional choices than I've made in the past, citing all the failed relationships as reasons why I need to maintain a brick wall around my heart, or why I can't trust him.

But, as the saying goes, “if you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten.”

Or something like that.

I have to let go of my bouquet of red balloons of damaged relationships, and take the chance that he isn't like the others. And sure, he could turn out to be like the others, but a certain path to that outcome is to make the same choices I always have.

It might be time to choose a different outcome.

It Begins with Me (Marnie)

I visited with a friend of mine I haven’t talked to in a long while. She wanted to know how I was doing since my breakup last spring. As I gave her a rundown, it brought up some feelings I guess I still haven’t let go of. I thought I had been doing much better, but when I it all came out, it was apparent I wasn’t. It depressed me to think so much time had passed and I hadn’t worked through it yet.

She was great to listen and not pass judgment, although I know she felt helpless in being able to help me. She’s married with 5 kids and as her life keeps changing, my life doesn’t show much in that department. The concern and worry on her face as I vented my fears, frustrations, and lack of hope, made ME concerned. How depressing was it to listen to me?? How many times does it feel like I’ve been here before and told her the same things? I feel like a broken record – with no new insight but just the same old problems and insecurities. It can’t be true – but it sure feels like it!

So I’m done. I’m done complaining about the quality of men I date, the lack of results I get, and the hopelessness I feel. I feel like all I do is complain through my cycle of relationships, and doing this complaining doesn’t seem to help. It surely doesn’t help my attitude, either.

I can make a list of reasons why I’m not married - from irrational thoughts to logical statistics. But even I’m bored by them now! I can’t figure it out and I don’t think I’m meant to. So the only way I know how to change what is happening is to stop. Stop it all. Not stop trying, just stop this obsession to understand why. Stop discussing it in minute details. Stop wallowing in the past disappointments, yelling to the sky, “WHY???” over and over. My heart has been broken before – it will be broken again, no doubt. So why dwell on it? Yeah it hurts like hell but living like this - dredging up the past and reanalyzing it, and questioning God doesn’t help me feel better. I believe in the grieving process, but being the drama queen I am, I have taken this grieving to a new level that just isn’t right and is affecting my happiness.

I think what I really need to do is start forgiving. Forgiving me, forgiving the men I’ve dated that have hurt me, and yes, even forgiving God for not giving me what I want. I know that shocks a lot of you – because some think one shouldn’t be mad at God. But its how I feel. This natural response – at least for me – has got to metamorphous into something better. Because I won’t give up! I won’t stop looking or flirting or dating or trying to get a spouse. I refuse to die like an old maid – even if my soul keeps getting bruised and kicked against the curb. But I’ve been dealing with this all wrong. If I’m going to continue to work on achieving this goal – my reaction and how I deal with it all HAS got to be better. Otherwise I’m not getting anywhere and remaining miserable.

I’ve talked before about my frustration with and desire to accept God’s will, and I haven’t gotten very far. So that ends today. From now on, I accept God’s will and I’m going to trust Him. You may think I’m lying or even crazy to think I can do it, but frankly, waiting for my feelings and desires to change isn’t working.

I’ve heard several talks from General Conference in the last few years about choosing faith. It’s a choice and not something you just get from nowhere. You just have to decide and take a risk. Then the faith comes. And I think choosing and trusting God’s will works the same way. I can pray until I’m blue in the face but until I change how I’m going to think and deal with this all, nothing will change. I have to take the leap of faith and just do it. I believe God helps us – a lot. But I also believe he lets struggle until we “get it.” And I’m just beginning to “get it.”

The other thing I’m going to do is truly forgive. I’ve been praying about it, hoping God will just make these horrible thoughts and hurts go away and let me forgive. Yep, you guessed it! It doesn’t work that way. I just need to decide. So whether I’m ready or not, I’m going to forgive. Just like that!

How am I going to do it? After I told a friend about my problem with forgiving, she suggested it was time I actually did it, and then prayed for the feeling of forgiveness to come into my heart. I need to take action and properly acknowledge what I’m forgiving. Once I do that, then it’s all up to God. She suggested I write down “I forgive….” for each of the people I need to forgive listing the action I’m forgiving. And that list of people includes myself. Something about writing it down makes it much more of a reality instead of just a good idea. It gets out of your system. Once I write it out, I’m going to get rid of it. That way, the process is really permanent. No sense in dwelling on the past. It’s time to move on…

Some of you may not like this blog entry. You may think I’m being trite and not sensitive to how hard it is to be single. That is where you are really wrong. I know it. I feel it. It hurts. But my bad attitude has not helped and it’s time to adjust it. So I will choose faith, trust God’s will (as much as it scares the spit out of me), and truly forgive – not just the half-hearted kind. It’s going to take some time, a lot of work and self-control, AND a lot of prayer but I’m going to conquer this! Because something has got to change and frankly, I can only change me.

The Child-Bride and Lot's Wife (Marnie)

At church I heard a talk given by a child-bride with her husband, who wasn't much older. Ok, they may have been more like 21 years old, but their "youngness" just oozed out of their mouths. After hearing about how they met and married - he pretended to be Canadian to "connect" with her - she got to the point of her talk. After hearing their love story, I had just about shut down to my "happy place" when she talked about something that was relevant.

I know! I was completely shocked!! Who knew a child-bride could come up with some wisdom??? I repented immediately for the sarcastic comments going off in my head and listened to what she had to say...because I needed it! Badly...and it really was an answer to a prayer. It was really very humbling. (And I'm being completely serious.)

This child-bride took her talk from Elder Jeffery Holland's address given at a BYU devotional last year, called "Remember Lot's Wife" - referring to the Old Testament story about Lot and his family.

The story goes that Lot, his wife, his daughters and sons-in-laws lived in Sodom. It was a really really REALLY wicked place. When he had some "angel" visitors come over to his house, Lot's neighbors basically threatened to break into his house and take them and his daughters and do to them what they wanted - and it wasn't to play Parcheesi! They wanted to do the most vile things to them and actually admitted it up front. These were NASTY people.

Well, the Almighty didn't take too kindly to that and felt it the last straw for Sodom and Gommorah (which was equally evil). Those angel visitors warned Lot to take his family and flee from the city because God was going to destroy it. Lot was only able to convince his wife and daughters to go with him. Before they took off, they were warned by the Lord to NOT look back at the city: "Escape for thy life; look not behind thee...escape to the mountain, lest thou be consumed." (Genesis 19:17).

Lot's wife apparently kinda liked life in Sodom and because she turned around, she instantly turned into a pillar of salt. I'm sure it had to have been a shock to Lot and his daughters. The threat of being "consumed" (i.e., turned to salt) couldn't have happened very often - even back then in Old Testament times. But the temptation to look back to Sodom was just too much for Lot's wife. And POOF! She was salt...

Elder Holland sums up Lot's wife's predicament too well for me to attempt to summarize:

"It is possible that Lot's wife looked back with resentment toward the Lord for what He was asking her to leave behind....it isn't just that she looked back; she looked back longingly. In short, her attachment to the past outweighed her confidence in the future."

Elder Holland continues:
"So, as a new year starts and we try to benefit from a proper view of what has gone before, I plead with you not to dwell on days now gone, nor to yearn vainly for yesterday however good those yesterdays may have been. The past is to be learned from but not lived in. We look back to claim the embers from glowing experiences but not the ashes. And when we have learned what we need to learn and have brought with us the best that we experienced, then we look ahead, we remember that faith is always pointed toward the future -- faith always has to do with blessings and truths and events that will yet be efficacious in our lives. So a more theological way to talk about Lot's wife is to say she did not have faith. She doubted the Lord's ability to give her something better than she had. Apparently she thought, fatally as it turned out, that nothing that lay ahead could possibly be as good as those moments she was leaving behind."

And that, in a nut shell, is me!! I keep looking back right now. For some reason, I keep wishing for the past: wishing that my past relationship will somehow suddenly, magically change and be made perfect and I will get what my heart desires.

But it's not meant to be! I know deep down inside, it's time to move on. It's time to ditch this wonderful impossibility I keep thinking up in my head. I think it's hard because I haven't figured out why this particular guy was bad for me...why it was best for it to NOT work out? I often can tell after a few months after a break-up why I am so grateful a relationship ends. A sigh of relief often goes through my body when I think about who I might have married if I had had my way! God was wise and saved me from making some BIG mistakes by not giving me what I wanted!

But it's been months and I still can't figure out what was so wrong with this one? It seemed (and still seems) SO right!

And that's where I'm just not getting it. I say that I trust God - that I'm trying to accept God's plan. If I do, does it matter why it was such a bad situation? Does the Almighty REALLY have to explain to me the reason why? Shouldn't I just trust him? I mean, if I really did believe in God's Will for me - which is something I've been praying to do for 6 months now - does it really matter why it wasn't right? I should just know that God has a better plan for me. That the RIGHT guy - who isn't the last guy I've dated - is up ahead and I just need to keep trying, be prepared and have faith that God will send him in God's timing.

OH, but the temptation to look back is sometimes just too great and I forget all the logical reasons I've already processed (see above) and just wish that a Hollywood movie ending I've been dreaming up in my head will happen for me!

Silly girl. You'd think after all these years of being single I wouldn't be that bad of "hopeless romantic."

So now my new mantra is "Remember Lot's wife"(Luke 17: 32) I've complained before that I'm running out of precious time and by looking back these last few months I've been sabotaging myself!! I have GOT to look forward! I've got to stop wishing for the past because I know darn well that God will provide a better opportunity in the future, contingent on my faith in him. I can't give up now! I've come so far and changed so much these last 5 years! I'm so CLOSE I can feel it! I just need to endure and trust the only truly trustworthy person in my life: my Heavenly Father.

Trust (Leah)

In my scripture reading this morning I did some reading on “trust.” I wish I’d written down some of the verses and phrases that struck me, but instead you’re just going to get my watered down reaction a few hours after the fact. I’ll just tell you right off that the clear message in the scriptures is that you need to trust God and only God. None of this trusting your spouse stuff. Which I think is good. I know a close friend of mine once voiced her concern about trusting the guy she was dating. I think she meant it was hard to trust him to be reliable and committed to their relationship. She didn’t lack trust in his honesty or morality – just trusting that he’d stick it out and make the relationship work. When she vocalized her concern I remember throwing out, “Well you never totally trust a human being so it’s silly to try – you can only trust God.” I did and do believe that (whether or not I’m able to act on that belief is another issue), but this morning I guess I read it more as a commandment. You know how I was discussing insecurity earlier. Well, this morning I decided that insecurity shouldn’t even be an issue because all of my trust is in God. I have a saying in my room, made by an old Primary teacher that says, “I can follow God’s plan for me.” So true! If I keep believing and acting accordingly then it won’t matter a bit what happens in a relationship because I can (and DO) follow God’s plan for me. Listen to that self talk – I’m a big believer in that too. Kind of like building the house on a rock. If I’m following God’s plan for me then I don’t need to worry about the other person in my relationship – well God’s plan generally includes charity and service and kindness and stuff in relation to our fellow human beings (brothers and sisters) but I don’t need to sweat how I’ll do that as much because my trust is in God. It’s like a post I made way back when (and I was reminded of by my good visiting teachers recently) that when you’re in the midst of a problem – don’t think about the problem, just work on your relationship with God. Focus on truth and the clarity of God’s plan, not on how you’re going to deal with a certain dilemma. Sound good? Hope so. I need to get going.

Everything's going to be all right(Bridget)

So much of my life I am finding are moments filled with worry,with anxiety..with focus on what is not yet in my life. Finding a husband has become a life long quest...one filled with sadness, frustration, and angst. Today I took a drive as I do mostly every Sunday. I took the time to talk to my Father in Heaven. I told Him that if I could be told by someone who REALLY knows, from exact knowledge, that everything is going to be ALL RIGHT I could then LET the anxiety GO. I am going to be ALL RIGHT. Maybe then, if I was told by someone I trust, someone I know, I would believe it and would be able to focus on all of the other wonderful things in my life. My nephew and nieces, the exquisite joy of being their Aunt. The blessing that I have of living in a state that I absolutely love. The reality that I am on the path to becoming what I was put on this earth to do, help people through therapy find answers for themselves to enrich their lives. The amazing family I have been blessed with. The friends that share my life more than anyone else in my life...who share much of my outlooks and perspectives. This amazing world that I live in, with so many special experiences in store, necessary experiences. I made a goal today to work on my heart, so that it will be soft enough, and will garner the amount of trust needed, and will be open enough to hear Him when He tells me, "Everything's going to be all right"