The Audacity of Hope (Anne Elliot, guest post)

I can feel it again.

That space in my heart that I've kept closed off for so long is starting to fill, and at times I'm worried it will burst.

That lurch in my stomach that borders on nausea every time I see his name on my phone or read his emails.

That lump in my throat when I click “send” and worry that I've revealed too much, too soon, and I'll never hear from him again.

And that tingling in my toes when I do hear from him again, the euphoria that he's chosen me for one more day.

It's been years since I felt this, and I'm surprised at how easily and how fast it returns.

I play angel and devil in my head.

The angel says to enjoy the moment, develop the friendship, trust his words.

The devil tells me I have no reason to hope, he's just like the others, and to not be surprised when it's over.

I really thought I had lost this ability, this capacity to feel hope and happiness, the beginnings of a possible relationship. I was prepared to live the rest of my life alone. Now I don't want to. I feel these physical manifestations of emotions and I want more. Whether it's with him, whether it's with someone I've yet to meet,
I'm not ready to give up after all.

I really thought I was.

Men

Today I am thinking about men. As a lover of all things boy (and regularly confused by them) I find myself often watching men and wondering what makes them tick. I pray the Spirit will be with me and I am going to write VERY CAREFULLY to ensure that my post today is not mis-interpreted...Heaven help me.

Ever since our last general conference (April 2011) I have been thinking about Elder Oaks talk on Saturday afternoon: "Desire." http://lds.org/general-conference/2011/04/desire?lang=eng
Elder Oaks said many things but this got my attention: "I am sure that some anxiously seeking young men would want me to add that there are some young women whose desires for a worthy marriage and children rank far below their desires for a career or other mortal distinctions. Both men and women need righteous desires that will lead them to eternal life."

I wish I had the guts to ask some of the never married, divorced or single LDS men that I know some of these questions...

• Do you want/desire to be married?


• Do you feel marriage is important?


• Have you ever met someone you thought you could be happy with?


• Do you feel that you have something/nothing to offer a woman?


• Do you feel that you still have tons of time to make this happen?


• How do you feel when the leaders of the church call you on the carpet? Does it make you try harder, feel pounded and 'bad' or do you tune them out?


• What do you think about Brigham Young's statement (I think??) about a man over 25 who is still single is in the grasp of satan?


• Are men (in their 30's and up) still looking for that physically 'perfect' ideal? Have you ever been looking for that or is that an unfair stereotype?


• Do you feel that it is your 'job' or priesthood responsibility to actively seek marriage? Why or why not? Do you feel that you are doing that?


• Do you feel that the woman you're interested in give you a fair chance? Have you ever thought that you're looking at the wrong kind/type of woman?

These are the things I wonder - I think it would help us all if we would just talk about it and share our points of view. We're old enough now that we shouldn't be afraid anymore to be real with each other. So you don't ask me out - I'll live - but I sure would love to know why?

I've decided to be the first - if you're a single man I want you to know this (and I don't think I'm too different from other women but please feel free to chime in):
I am a smart, confident, devoted to the Gospel LDS woman. I am imperfect physically but judging by the many stares I get on a regular basis I'm as beautiful as I think I am. I have held myself in reserve (and in the interest of realness that has NOT been easy) so that I may share my whole self with you someday (and I am VERY excited for that day.) I am courageous and I am accomplished. To the outside world I have it all but in my heart I know that my true self waits for you. Every decision I make, every path I take, every thought I have is somehow connected to my desire for you and our family. I move forward because I am on this earth to progress. I continue to try to improve myself so that I will someday be able to offer you the most amazing version of myself I possibly can. I do not do these things because I am career driven, or because I view my priorities as more important then what I could do within a family. I progress in the areas of my life that I'm allowed to progress in at this time.

I need you more then I can possibly ever put into words. I need your strength, I need your perspectives, I need your calming influence when my femaleness leads me to irrational, emotional freak outs. I need your priesthood and righteousness to lead me and guide me to greater paths. I need your strong arms to hold me so that I can be weak once in a while (as my current world and lifestyle requires constant strength.) I need you to be you and I need you to not be afraid of all that I am.

I don't need you to be rich. I don't need you to have a fancy education, toys, or material things to offer me. I don't need you to be scared of what you aren't. You are a son of God - you are already more amazing to me then you will ever know and I will do everything in my power to make you feel that. My accomplishments in no way take away from yours and I don't need you to feel badly about who you are or where you've been. The only thing that matters is where we will go together. I need you to be confident and love yourself. I need you to know that I am not "her" (whoever "her" is to you.)

I need you to try. I need you to put away fear and recognize who that comes from (the jerk) and that the purpose of fear is to keep you from being happy. I need you to trust me enough to open the door to possibilities. I know you've been hurt - we've all been hurt- but I need you to get over it and keep trying. I need you to not hold yourself back and I need you to not choose the easy way or the path of least resistance. I need you to know that I will use every gift, every lesson, every single thing at my disposal to help make your dreams come true - I will not take away from you but will add and I need you to do the same for me.

I need you to pay your tithing. I need you to read your scriptures, say your prayers, go to the Temple, attend church and magnify your priesthood. I do not need you to be perfect or on the path to future apostleship. I do not need you to be able to quote entire books of scripture but I do need you to have firm faith and know where to go to find the answers. I need you to love me - all of me - as I will love all of you (wrinkles, puckers, and imperfections.) I need you to just hold my hand sometimes and let me depend on you. I need you to know that you are the head of the household and I believe that starts in dating. I need you to take the lead and let me be the woman. I need you to stop waiting for me to ask you out - it's just not going to happen. You're not going to find me at just the "fun" activities. I'm long past that - if you want me you're going to have to come to church - I'm the beautiful blond with the sexy shoe collection.

I need you to start being (or continue being) the amazing man that you are. I need you to start living your best life (please excuse the Oprah reference but it just sort of fit) and I need you to pursue things that will bring true happiness. I need you to trust our Heavenly Father, our Savior, and the leaders of the church and believe them when they tell you that I will be the greatest decision you've ever made.

There's really no other way to say it - I can be happy without you if I really try but I'll never be complete.

Who signed up for this? Anyone? Anyone? (Stella)

I must admit I love reading the comments on posts almost more then I love reading the posts themselves. I so appreciate the honesty that is shared and the realness in those words. Being a single woman (in the church or out of it) is a painful, infuriating, seemingly never ending journey. I would love to know how the single men feel - so if you're a fellow please speak up!More often then not our counsel and our encouragement is to keep going, have faith, don't give up, the Lord has a plan for you, every promise the Lord has made will be fulfilled in His time (if you hold up your end of the bargain, of course) in this life or the next...

Somtimes I wish that those with the proper authority and who have walked in these shoes would shout from the pulpit -

"This Sucks!" "I'm angry!"

"What the *!#&*#! happened to my life?"

In fairness, I have heard Sheri Dew speak and talk about the depression she experienced for several years in her early 30's after a broken relationship. I have heard Sister Perry (wife of an apostle, no less) talk about being angry at Heavenly Father for remaining single long into her adulthood and not one single Apostle who all but sobs how sorry he is for us single girls makes it out to be an easy thing. But, not one of these choice individuals have ever said anything that remotely comes close to how I've felt at times in my life. Time for a confession - I've spent the last 5 years...maybe more, but definitely the last 5...absolutely furious. I pasted on the happy face for others to see of course but inside I was miserable, angry, jealous and flat out pissed off. I compared my gifts, talents, and DESIRE to be a wife and mother with those I saw around me (who have what I want) and most didn't add up to what I thought I could offer. Now why in the world would Heavenly Father keep me from building up His kingdom and fully participating in the plan of happiness when all I want to do with my whole heart is raise a righteous posterity?

So - back to my point - have the Sheri Dew's and Barbara Perry's, and Barbara Thompson's and Kristen Oaks of the world not had the same feelings that you and I are dealing with? I'm quite certain that they have - and yet I've never seen or heard one of them give more then a casual reference to it. Why is that?

I can't speak for everyone, I can't speak for anyone actually. I can only speak to my own experience and hope that it speaks to your heart too. Throughout these 5 (maybe more) violently, demented, raging years I've tried as hard as I knew how to do to learn, to grow, and to figure out why. I prayed repeatedly feeling that only my ceiling was ever listening and gave up on family and friends offering me any comfort or even any real support. I have felt alone, I have felt forsaken, I have felt forgotten and have questioned my worth and value. I have desperately dated men whose choices make them unworthy for the life I desire to live in the hopes that one of them would marry me and my influence may bring one of the proverbial sheep back to the fold. I have raged against Heavenly Father while simultaneously clinging to the Gospel. I have done all of this (and more) in my attempt to control this area of my life and somehow I have been saved and protected and brought to this point of understanding.

I can't tell you exactly how I got here but somehow I gave up (in a good way.) Somehow I finally figured out how to CHOOSE to have faith, how to CHOOSE to believe my patriarchal blessing (as well as other personal revelations), and CHOOSE to trust that what I've been told is TRUE. My situation hasn't changed. I'm as single as I've been for the last 5, 10, 15, 20 years. Yet somehow I have HOPE that I don't think I've ever had. I have FAITH that I know I've never had, and I have CHARITY for others that is deeper then anything I've ever experienced.

Now don't get me wrong - I have my bad moments. I have moments when I reminisce about past relationships and question again why things worked out as they did but in these moments I have learned to CHOOSE to pray and ask for strength and the strength comes. I have learned DO NOT LOOK BACK (just think of Lot's wife - looking back does no good.) I have learned to PRAY with my whole heart - sobbing, honest conversations where I pour my heart out to Heavenly Father, I have learned to not just READ my scriptures but SEARCH for the answers to my prayers. I have learned to be PATIENT (well that's a lie - but I've learned that I must be patient) if I am going to make it through this trial and make no mistake - THIS IS A TRIAL!

Moroni 7 is my anchor during this storm. I encourage you to read it. I encourage you to mark it up, underline it, write notes on it, dissect it as it compares to your life. In my opinion it is a road map for unwilling single people - things that are good come from God (happiness, joy, hope, belief.) Things that are evil come from the jerk (anger, depression, low self worth, hopelessness.) Miracles do still happen (and I believe my marriage will be a MIRACLE!) What we ask for in FAITH the Lord will give us but it has to be faith like we've never had before. Please don't misunderstand me - I am not making some crazy statement that if we believe enough our husbands will fall out of the sky but I am saying that if we CHOOSE TO BELIEVE with our WHOLE ENTIRE BEING the Lord will either answer our prayers or He will show us our way and most importantly HE WILL MAKE IT OKAY. I love this quote - no idea who said it but:

"In the end everything will be okay. If it's not okay, it's not the end."

For reasons that only the heavens seem to know our generation (again both in/out of the church) carries this painful burden. Fear, unbelief, and selfishness seem to drive many. Living too close to the world, a refusal to grow up and accept responsibility, even watching the experiences of parents, family and friends are often offered as explanations. These explanations bring me little peace - actually they just tick me off - but this I know: Let mankind (and womankind) do what they will. The Lord's plan will not be thwarted - the plan of happiness does not change - my promised blessings aren't going anywhere - and those who have withheld or hindered the blessings of others and ignored the council of Prophets will have much to answer for. I have come to believe we are pioneers, after all what other generation has been asked to endure like we have? Just like the early saints who were asked to endure physical hardships beyond what I think any of us can really imagine, WE are asked to endure a daily (sometimes minute by minute) ASSAULT on our Spirits, our worth, our value and our life purpose.

Hang in there friends. Keep going - one more step, one more day. The answers are out there but if we are to receive them we have to stop looking at only one door.

Could It Be? (Stella)

Whenever I experience a break-up I go through the normal stages of grief which inevitably have me turning to the scriptures and prayer for comfort and solace. I'm ashamed to admit that my most notable times of gospel feasting are almost always on the heels of having my heart broken.

In true Stella fashion I have been delving into the scriptures, our Prophets words, and any other gospel resource I can get my hands on as I struggle to find the answers to my why, why, whys? I should add that my feasting is usually accompanied by a lot of foot stomping, wailing and gnashing of angry teeth...which of course makes divine revelation a little difficult to come by. This time however - I must have matured since my last soiree.

I came across something today while reading in Alma that made me wonder - could being a single member of the LDS church at this time, during these last days be a calling? Is it possible that some of us experience singleness because we were asked to experience it during our mortal journey? That just like some are foreordained to be Prophets or pioneers are some of us called to be single for a period of time?

I'm not talking about 20 something singleness - I'm talking about being single WAY past the LDS norm of 20...or whatever it is these days. I'm talking about singleness that has you laying on your bathroom floor, sobbing into a pile of kleenex doubting every decision you've ever made and semi-convincing yourself that somehow you've brought this great scourge on your head through a Sodom and Gomorrah level atrocity.

I took this thought a bit further and realized the STRENGTH that it takes to be an active, faithful, single member of the church. I've heard it said that 50% of singles become inactive when they leave their YSA wards, and I recently heard at a stake meeting that my stake alone has over 3,000 mid-singles in it (men more then double the women. My jaw is still on the floor.)

So between the 50% and the 3000 in my little corner of the world how many of our brothers and sisters does this add up to? Even one is too many - but I think my point is easily proven by how many times we're admired by others. For example how many times has someone said something like..."I admire you so much," "You are so strong", or my personal favorite - "I don't know how you do it, I know I never could."

As I've let this idea roll around in my mind today I realize how much my ward blesses my life and how much they love and support me BUT I also realize how I may have a very special, singular influence that may make some of my sisters more grateful for their husbands and children, may inspire some to magnify their particular life calling, and may even be an example to the youth of staying faithful when you don't feel you fit in. Yes - being a single member of the LDS faith where we celebrate and promote families and eternal marriages in every breath is well.. NO PLACE FOR SISSIES!

That said - does it make you feel a little special, a little strong, a little chosen and set apart to be single? For so many of us who have not chosen to be single, who would marry tomorrow if the opportunity presented itself - I have to wonder if we would walk a little taller and hurt a little less if we looked at this life 'predicament' (regardless of how we got here) as a calling?

If we stopped to think of the faith, strength, and ENDURANCE that we go through our life with. How we continue to move forward without the help of a companion, striving to be faithful despite heartache that sometimes feels like it will end us? That this season of life (and I pray it ends tomorrow for all of us who desire righteous companions to create forever families with) is our calling because we are strong, faithful, and the ones the Lord knew He could count on to keep going. He knows what we can carry and He knows what we can't. I just have to wonder...

Could it be?

Just not feeling it....(Marnie)

As old beau told me - while he was breaking up with me - "I'm just not feeling it." Not the smoothest comment he ever said, but for some reason I use that phrase all the time because it seems to apply to so many things. For me right now, "it" encompasses a lot of things. But the "it" I want to talk about about is not "feeling" God's love for me.

I've been a member of the LDS Church all my life. That comes with some awesome things and also some stumbling blocks. For some reason, because my life has been so centered around knowing there is a God and he has a plan for me - its not only a comfort but a reality. And it's all I've ever known. And the atonement has always been there for me. I've used it and not used it throughout my life but I've always known it was there. Just for me. And to tell you the truth there are times in my life where I've completely taken it for granted. I've even sometimes thought I deserved it instead of it being a precious gift from my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. What a horrible thing to realize! I've been like a self-righteous, spoiled princess. And I'm quite ashamed of it.

Luckily, I've realized my error and have been working on my attitude and gratitude.

I was going through a tough spell near the end of last year. I wasn't feeling well with a not-very-serious-but-still-annoying health concern. Nothing like that to remind you are so very mortal! But when you don't feel good and things aren't going your way, it's hard to not become miserable and that's what I had become. MISERABLE. One day I realized there was something really missing - I didn't feel God's love for me anymore. I felt lots of trials and annoyances and frustrations and lack of answered prayers but no love. I even felt picked on.

It made me upset and worried. How can I NOT feel it? Did he stop loving me? Of course he didn't! And after some real thought and prayer, I realized I wasn't letting myself feel it. Who wants to when they are miserable and they think the whole world is out to get them??

So, I did the "Sunday School answer" and started to pray for gratitude (yeah, I know I've done it in the past, but I'm a slow learner!!). I was especially inspired to find some love and happiness in my life because this last Christmas was going to be harder than normal. The very few nephews I have weren't going to be around like they have been for the last 10 Christmases. When you are single with no children you live through your nieces and nephews. I decided I didn't need a miserable Christmas too - my life was plenty! So I prayed hard to feel gratitude for my life. With that I also started to list those things that came to my mind that I was grateful for. It took some work but with the pondering and the praying I realized some amazing things I have taken for granted:

1. My parents are both still alive. That is not a common thing nowadays. I've had at least 5 friends/acquaintances lose a parent last year. One friend is even an orphan now. She's single and 39 AND an orphan. That just sucks.

2. I have a job that lets me go home for Christmas with my family. With the economy today, I should be just grateful I have a job!

3. I have a FANTASTIC family. They aren't perfect but they are pretty close in a lot of ways. And I LOVE to be with them! Not a lot of people can say that either!

4. I have what I need: I have a home, car, good job, necessities of life with lots of extras that I often forget they are extra and I'm really blessed to have them.

There are a TON of people that don't have all of that right now. How lucky am I? And why am I complaining??

Now I know not everyone has the things - and I'm honestly not trying to rub it in. But I'm positive that if we examine our lives closely, we can see how we are extra blessed we are and how God has given us many amazing things.

Once I realized how much I did have, I suddenly felt important, special, and cared for by my Heavenly Father. And I hadn't felt that way in a long time. I had only focused on what I didn't have - which by some standards is a lot. Unfortunately, it kept me from being happy. It's a constant struggle in life to appreciate the "now" - especially when you have high hopes for the future and everyone else seems to be getting it with as little effort as possible.

I wish I could say that the feeling just kept going on and on after Christmas but it didn't. The end of January came and I was down in the dumps again with a new year already here and an old year still leaving a really bad taste in my mouth. I can't believe how easy it was to fall into that same trap. I'm sure the cold and snow didn't help me either...

So I had to try again. It's worked but a little differently. I didn't have a Christmas to look forward too. I just had "work" and "life" going on. So I had to dig deeper. it's taken a lot of self-control and discipline to just suck it up and be happy but it worked - even if things STILL aren't going the way I'd like it to...

I've realized I'd rather have a life I didn't really plan for (or in some ways even want) and feel my Savior's love for me than to have everything I want and not feel it at all. And it's helped me see life doesn't have to be miserable. I can't tell you how good that feels!

Returning to Report

Hi all - It's Stella again and I've come back to TalkingWalls to report on a great adventure. Last time I wrote I talked about a new man in my life and what an amazing experience it had been thus far. Well my amazing experience came to a close a few weeks ago and as I re-embraced my single life I realized all that I had learned and thought I would share.

First, let me just say that this was by far the very best dating experience I have ever had. This man treated me with kindness and respect, supported me in my life, and helped to undo a lot of hurt I've experienced over the years. So what happened right? It came time to make a decision friends. It came time to move forward (i.e. marriage) or let one another go. He did not feel this but I did. In fact, for weeks the nagging feeling that I had to re-visit the marriage talk would not leave me. We had discussed marriage many times over the last 6 months but having different views on the subject, different views on intimacy, different views on commitment we had never come to a consensus.

In the end our different faiths and beliefs about life came into serious play here. Not necessarily issues of doctrine but issues when you have one person who strives to live by the guidance of the Spirit and one person who doesn't know what that means. No matter which faith or church you belong to that's a tough pairing to make compatible.

I have to say that I do not regret one single second I spent with him. I learned so much and though my suffering was deep and intense that first week after the big "split" my healing and increased testimony is far and away worth the pain. I think I've finally found that place friends - that place of acceptance where you truly trust the Lord to bring you a desired blessing in His time.

It's as if this trial was (is) a large lake and I had to swim across it. Throughout my swim, dark unseen forces, creatures, currents threw me around and tried to drag me under. Moments of light and safety were far and few between and just when I'm about to give up, let go and sink to the murky depths of the darkness an oasis appeared before me. I was able to stay here, safe and protected until my eyes were cleared and the shore became visible. I'm not so bold as to state with all confidence that I'm not going to have a bad attitude now and then, or become angry about this life predicament. I am still me after all, and singleness quite frankly - ticks me off. I hate it. I never wanted this. I never (knowingly) signed up for this (the veil being drawn of course to my pre-existence decisions.) I love being in a loving relationship where I can devote myself and my efforts to someone else. I am the best version of myself when I am in love and feel loved in return and this I can say - I am one incredibly loyal girl. I will stay by your side until you figure out whatever you need to figure out as long as you keep trying. I'm glad to know that about myself.

So would I date outside the church again? I'm truly not sure but I don't think so. Facing a future with a man who did not share my faith, and I came to learn did not share my devotion to Heavenly Father and our Savior is not something I want to trifle with. I know there are many, many wonderful saints around the world who are not LDS and many who put us to shame in their devotion and efforts to be Christlike. Those are the ones I would count myself lucky to have in my life because not only would they recognize the truth when they heard it but they will support me always in growing my own faith and testimony.

And that brothers and sisters is what it's all about.

Latest Thoughts (Stella Skywalker)

This summer I had the opportunity to attend a fireside that was conducted by one of the 12 apostles. This fireside was specifically for the single adults of the church and as so many of these kinds of meetings go; this sweet Apostle expressed his sadness for those of us who desperately desire a spouse and family and have had to wait. You could tell he really did hurt with us and for us. He simultaneously tried to give us the encouragement to keep going and magnify the parts of our lives that we can control. It was uplifting and wonderful and his love for us was nearly tangible. It’s hard to feel sad in the presence of one of the Lord’s servants. At the end of his remarks he opened things up for Q & A. One woman in the audience (who I will admire to my very last breath for her courage and tenacity) asked…

“I’m well into my 30’s. I’ve served a mission, I’ve been active in the church, I’ve put myself out into the singles world, I’ve pursued an education and career while I’ve waited and I am sick and tired of waiting. What is the church’s council on dating (and marrying) outside the church?”

This really got my attention. I have been asked (and even encouraged) several times by dear friends and family (who are LDS and have Temple marriages) if I have ever thought about looking outside the church. I’ll be honest – my answer is swift and firm “absolutely not.” You may ask why as a convert I’ve so vehemently stuck to my guns. The short answer is fear. The even shorter answer is lack of faith.

Anyway back to the story – Elder Hales looked at her and said (I’m going to add bulleted points for affect here b/c I want to demonstrate the affect this had on me…)

1) If you’ve found a man who honors the Lord.
2) If you’ve found a man who loves the Lord.
3) If you’ve found a man who honors you.
4) If you’ve found a man who loves you.

Then I believe that you’re on the right track for you.

Like many of us I have been promised in my patriarchal blessing that I will have a righteous priesthood holder as my helpmate. I have long assumed this must mean that he will be a current member of the church, certainly he will have pioneer heritage, and of course he will have tons of family in Utah so I’ll have a free place to stay when I finally get around to visiting Salt Lake.

Several months ago I met a man who I had an instant connection with. We met at the party of a mutual friend and within minutes were chatting and laughing as if we were old friends. In fact, someone observing us asked how long we’d been dating – our reply…about 7 minutes. This man is not a member of the church but he is a good and decent Christian man. The more time I spend with him, the more I feel what a true relationship should be like, the more I feel his love, honor, and respect for the Lord and for me, the more I think about Elder Hales remarks to that brave sister.

That said, I have never, not even once, considered dating outside of the LDS faith. I have never, not even once, had a man love and respect me like this man does. I have never, not even once, been so aware of the beautiful life that can be possible if you do it the Lord’s way. I have never, not even once, felt such peace and gratitude that I didn’t get my way.

For those who may be questioning my post here please know that I am not advocating for giving up on the men of the church. I am not advocating that single LDS women will have no other choice but to lay down their hopes of dreams of a current priesthood holder who can take them to the Temple. That is still my dream and my greatest hope that someday I will kneel across the alter from a priesthood holder and be bound to him for time and all eternity. I am simply taking a moment to record my experience. I do not yet know what the future will hold…I don’t know if this man is the one that my blessing talks about but right now I do know this.

1) The Lord’s ways are not mine.
2) I am absolutely dependent on His wisdom and knowledge.
3) I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was not led to this place by accident.
4) All things will work out in the end.
5) Peace comes from one place and one place only. If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the last few years you can’t fake peace and life without it is absolutely, freakin’ miserable.

Today I am at peace. Today I am happy in a way I’ve never been happy before. Today I marvel that I’m being blessed with this experience and somehow the years of painful waiting don’t seem so painful right now. Today I want to know how this will all turn out but all I really know today is that it’s okay. I have the Lord’s blessing to make this decision, he’s put a good man into my life and for some unknown reason He trusts me to decide what’s best. The Lord knows me, He knows how painful my wait has been and He knows how little I have left to give this part of my life in the faith department.

I may not have all the answers friends but I do know this:

I am not alone.

I have never been alone.

I am being blessed right now and I’m going to run with it.

Holding onto an Epiphany (Marnie)

I guess the hardest thing about having an epiphany, is remembering the experience and realization long enough to change your behavior and your life. I told you in my last post that I am going to choose to believe I will get married in THIS LIFE. As I’ve continued to go through the ups and downs of daily life, I’ve been constantly praying to hold to this new resolve. Ten years ago believing this wasn’t such a hard thing, but when you hit 40 and are still unmarried, you feel like time has run out and you've lost the game. Sure, I technically could get married but my own developed opinion (and those of society and other single women over 40), gave me pressure to give up the dream and move on because it’s "safer that way."

I blame this conceived reality I had created in my mind for the depression I felt this summer. I’ve been working HARD for the last decade to find a husband, to change inappropriate behaviors and even thoughts about dating and marriage to be READY for marriage. I take full responsibility for not achieving marriage by 30. I was not ready – mentally or physically. I just wasn’t open to it or even ready to play the game. The sad part was I didn’t realize it.

But the last 10 years I have changed and I did work my butt of to make myself more open to others, swallow some huge fears and work on my trust issues. I have put in the time, made some huge strides, and still have not succeeded in the goal.

And somehow turning 40 made me feel like the buzzer had sounded, the game was up, and I had failed. If I hadn’t achieved the goal, I might as well settle in for the next part of my life as an old maid and accept that God must not want me to marry in this life.

WHO MADE THAT UP???? I’m not entirely sure when I got that idea but it’s insane!! There are people 40+ getting married ALL the time! Especially in this day and age. Sure, it’s not like the young folk who seem to have no baggage and fears, so they jump to commitment fast and furious every 20 minutes, but in my own realm of friends and acquaintances I have seen multiple individuals marry after 40. And personally I think more WOULD marry if we didn’t focus on the negativity and give up once we reach that age.

I realize my biological clock is running down and my chance for a perfect family with 4 kids as I dreamed about as a teenager in Young Woman’s is pretty much shot to oblivion. We all have to come to terms with the loss of those dreams - whatever they entailed. But is that all I want?? that perfect world? Or can I handle a different kind of existence I never planned for or dreamed of that STILL involves marriage?

I’ve thought long and hard over this and I realized that I had to mourn for the loss of a dream of being married and starting a family by age 40. It’s something I think every single woman and man over 40 has to do. That "40" number decides a passage of time and you can’t stop time. But why do we have to GIVE UP? Why do we have to start saying “I hope to get married but I realize it will probably be in the next life?” That’s a load of lies!! Lies started by Satan to discourage an already discouraged group of people. It’s like kicking us when we are down and we are letting him do it with our permission!

I was talking to some old missionary companions who are also 40 and single about some of our relationships and breakups. Both of them told me - through tears - that they had come to terms with the fact that they won’t get married in this life. It SOUNDS like they are accepting God’s will, but personally it sounds like defeat and giving up all faith! Because the next life is a “sure thing” and it doesn’t take much faith to believe that all is possible in heaven. Even the biggest "non-believer" talks about Heaven being wonderful.

I am ALL about accepting God’s will, but I don’t think he wants us to give up and just exist. I don’t think that attitude attracts men or even other people. It’s just sad and lonely. Why would God want us to say that at all?? Basically we are deciding that God won’t grant us a blessing by a certain age and telling him what he is going to do. From my experience that never works nor do I get what I really desire. It’s a lack of faith – no matter the intentions of the person saying it. And I am VERY guilty of saying that in the past.

I’ve told you in my last post that I can’t live my life and be happy by believing marriage is for me only after I die. I won’t do it. It makes me bitter and feel more lonely than I’ve ever felt. I feel like a failure and I start to question God’s love for me in wondering why I didn’t get to be “lucky” like so many of my friends did. Those feelings come quick and naturally but they are wrong. That’s why I am continuing to declare that I BELIEVE I will marry in THIS life!

When I declared this to my missionary companions, they were surprised and I think a little worried for me. They’ve got their escape plan if it doesn’t happen and I don’t have one if it doesn’t come to pass. One may even think I’m commanding God but that isn’t true. I will get married. That is a promise given to me in my patriarchal blessing predicated on my faithfulness and obedience. What I don’t know is "when." The “when” is what I have to come to terms with and accept his will. And until God comes down and breaks the bad news to me in person or through revelation, I won't believe it. Even if I don’t get married in this life, God wants me to act and believe that I will. Isn’t that how we show faith? Isn’t that one of the reasons we are on this earth? To show we believe in the hard things that society and others ridicule us for believing?

I know it’s tough to keep the faith alive. I’ve had my moments in the last few weeks where after a conversation about the frustrations of dating and hearing a friend’s story about another non-committal man has left me with despair and wondering how in the world will it ever work out. But I’ve had to decide each time to just believe and act accordingly. Miracles happen. I’ve seen too many of them to not believe in them. You can’t rely on logic and believe. That isn’t faith instead it’s believing in the “arm of the flesh.” It has to be complete and total faith in God.

So I will continue my resolve to hope and dream for the NEAR future and not the one after I'm dead. I challenge all of you – no matter your situation or age - to believe and not give up! I know God does not punish those that have faith and trust in him especially those that continue to accept his will for them. It’s the scariest thing I’ve ever done and there have already been days that I haven't had the strength to say it with any sort of conviction. But I will continue to act according to those beliefs - even through the tears and frustrations. I know it will bring me the most happiness.

I may end up being a 90 year old, single woman, but I will be a 90 year old, single woman who is looking forward to her next blind date and believes she will get married before she dies. Many may call me crazy, but I just call it faith.

Reaction to My Last Post (Stella Skywalker)

After my last blog post I had some interesting comments and perspectives and that got me thinking about how easy it is to misinterpret others ideas or put our own special filter on things going on around us. When I made mention of the fine brother that I met I cited that he was an RM. Many responses reminded me how many good and wonderful men there are in the world who are not RM's and I would be missing out greatly if I discounted them. I completely agree and that's what got me thinking...I didn't grow up in the church, I have zero connections to Utah, I have no pioneer relatives and my particular lens is definitely shaped by this. I did not grow up dreaming of my plain, white, Temple ready wedding gown (with sleeves of course) while I stood by my handsome RM prince who was going to carry me off into the sunset and provide me with my very own white picket fence and 5 children. While this has in some sense become my dream over the years I grew up with the mindset that I would get married and have a family but I was also going to get an education, have a career, and travel the world and then when I was ready I would simply select my mate of choice from the conveyor belt of men going by.

Funny - things haven't quite worked out that way. While I have been richly blessed in areas that I can control (my education for example) when I finally realized that the husband hunt was going to be a bit harder then I realized and that Heavenly Father wasn't just going to plop HIM in front of me I had one foot out the YSA door and a host of fears starting to hit my mind and heart. Sometimes I wonder if not being raised in the church and having some clue of our dating culture was a detriment. I joined the church shortly before my freshman year of college. I didn't go to BYU (but as every good Mormon does at some point) figured I had better live my obligatory time on our home planet.

I spent most of those 2 Utah years having fun but definitely not pursuing marriage. I was waiting for my (yes these are real criteria) 6'4" dark hair, blue eyes, preppy boy with straight teeth, future MD, has a car and a clean apartment, will open every door for me, compliment me, bring me flowers, have no opinions unless they are just like mine, will appreciate every single thing I ever say or do, will never see a single flaw in me...I'd go on but the list just gets embarrassing from here.

When my roommate got married in December of our freshman year after knowing her sweetheart for a month I was truly baffled. I was still scared of boys and couldn't kiss one much less marry him. I didn't question her decision or wonder why she was giving up her life - I just wondered how she did it so fast. Life continued on, I returned to my home state for my junior year and became actively involved in my institute and YSA ward. I continued to wait for the boy I dreamed of to fall out of the sky while simultaneously being terrified that he just might. I can look back now and see how hard I was on the men in my life. It didn't take much to unimpress me and since I was so driven I assumed they should be too. I had no patience whatsoever for those who still lived at home or weren't in school pursuing their dreams. I progressed forward, finishing my degree, beginning my career and achieving those world travel dreams. I continued to wait for someone to notice just how awesome I was and to take those manly first steps to begin our courtship. I waited...and I waited....and waited some more. Then 30 came and went and I joined my local family ward where I experienced pain, depression and despair in such depth I thought it would kill me sometimes.

As a mental health professional I have analyzed all of this to death. Up one side, down the other, and yes of course there are many things I could have done differently, there are lots of presumed reasons why and untold missed opportunities. But these are also regrets and I refuse to live my life with regrets. I sit here today and remind myself that while I did not have the same perspective 20 years ago that I have today I was where I was. That is to say, I was who I was. I operating with the knowledge and understanding that I had and though I can now look back and wonder if things had been different if only I had done this one thing, the truth is my life is how it's supposed to be. My journey has always been my journey. The Lord knew me before I knew me. He knew my path before my feet even touched it. He knew it would take me ___ years to figure out all that I personally needed to know so that I could fulfill my calling on this earth. He knew that I was never going to be that 18 year old girl in the boring (sorry - but have you seen some of those gowns!) white gown staring up at her RM dreaming of their babies and little starter apartment. He knew that it would take me much longer to figure out how to be the wife, mother, and woman that He NEEDS me to be and that without my experiences and yes, even the knife sharp pain that those experiences bring, I wouldn't be ready.

I think back to my 20 year old criteria and just laugh. Here's what I want today 6'4" (I just can't let this one go), loves God, loves Jesus Christ, loves ME, puts his best into everything he does, and is honest and loyal in all he does. That's it. I no longer care what he does for a living, what accomplishments he has racked up, what letters are behind his name, or any of those other superfluous things that life can give and take away just as quickly. One thing I've learned over the last few years - if we have anything of value it's who we are. Our things, our achievements and accomplishments, our jobs and titles can be removed in an instance. Serving a mission doesn't make you perfect, being a member of the church is no guarantee that life will fall perfectly into our cultural 'box', and perhaps most importantly...just like the men we long and search for - there are pretty temple ready gowns out there if you are willing to look in unusual places.

Penelope Post

Penelope here again. I am deeply connected to all things mid-singles related. I love the idea of mid-singles and try to support it as much as I can. I was on facebook the other day and found this power point from a talk to mid-singles which speaks about aligning our desires with the Lord's. There was a slide about the scripture D&C 130:20-21 which states:

20 There is a law, irrevocably decreed in heaven before the foundations of this world, upon which all blessings are predicated—
21 And when we obtain any blessing from God, it is by obedience to that law upon which it is predicated.

In the speakers notes, I found this:

"How we interpret the following scripture adds to the problem. We tend to interpret this as “each law has its attendant blessing.” Keeping the Law of Tithing, for instance, should bring forth the promised blessings. What happens, then, when that doesn’t happen? We keep the Word of Wisdom and get cancer. We keep the Law of Tithing and lose our job. Worse yet, we wonder if we’ve “earned” our blessings, why God withholds what we’ve earned. Does he love us less or are we unworthy? Does He really “owe” us?"

For me, that perspective was really impactful. Am I acting like God owes me a marriage because I've been faithful or done my duty? Am I getting bitter at God because I expect to have an immediate blessing from living a good life?

And it brought home another perspective, the perspective of those who are married. I guess I can see why some might think that a single person isn't worthy/isn't doing the right things to get married if you take this scripture literally. I wonder if it depends on how you define blessings.

What are your thoughts on this?