Guest Post from Scout

I first read To Kill a Mockingbird when I was in eighth grade. I remember feeling such longing to be like Scout, who never cared what anyone thought of her. So while writing for this blog, I would like to be called Scout, if only to encompass a little of her bravery and boldness.

I had a normal childhood growing up. I was born and raised in the LDS church, and from a very young age, was taught that marriage, eternal marriage in particular, should be one of the top priorities in your life. My parents have a fantastic marriage, one that I aspire to have someday.

I knew from a very young age that I did not want to be a full-time stay at home mother. I’ve had the same career aspirations since the age of five, and I’ve never wavered in knowing what I’ve wanted to do with my life. Go to college, get married sometime in college, go to graduate school, have children, have a successful career, live happily ever after, etc… I’m one of those people that love to have everything planned. I had a perfect plan of how my life would end up.

However, sometimes life does not go according to plan. Sure, I went to college. I finished with my Bachelor’s degree still single but loving life. I’m now in graduate school, currently living on an island in the Caribbean. Sounds idyllic, right? It is, most of the time. It has done nothing for my dating life though.

The church on the island is a small branch of about sixty people. It’s small but strong and growing. For the first few years, I was the only single LDS person to be found on the island. I would return home to Utah every four months to see family and friends, who would take it upon themselves to set me up as much as possible in the few weeks that I was home.

Then things took a turn for the interesting. One Sunday morning after shooing out the local goats from eating and destroying our supply of mangoes in the church’s garden, I hurried into sacrament meeting. I was hot. I was humid. I was crabby from having to chase out the obstinate goats. So I sat in the back of our small chapel, and what do I behold, an LDS man who looked to be around my age. To top it all off, I also learned that he was single.

Now, most people would say that I was drawn to him just because he was the only man that I should date because he was my same faith, and I would have to say that’s false. Something intangible drew me to him from the moment I met him. Almost like a string was attached to my heart from the very beginning, and he held that string. He started at the same graduate school that I was attending, and we began to spend quite a bit of time together. Heck, we even went grocery shopping together. He had all the qualities that I was looking for in a future spouse, yet he came in a completely different package than I had always pictured. He had a beard and looked unkept most of the time. He had these sandals that were so old they were practically falling off his feet.

Yet I was falling fast and dangerously hard for this boy. We never defined our relationship and where it was going, and in the beginning, I loved being with him so much that I was fine with that. But, as girls tend to do, I started to analyze things. Where was this relationship going? How did he feel about me? Where did he see this relationship going? All the typical questions we start fearing in new relationships.

Months went by and these questions still were not getting answered. I didn’t ask them out loud, but I thought they would come up in our conversations. They never did. So finally I’d had enough. I’d had enough of the mind games and endless analyzing. I had to know how he felt about me.

You know those moments, the ones that mark your life? Those moments where you feel like nothing will ever be the same after it? The night that I decided to tell him exactly how I felt was one of those moments. I remember standing outside his house, willing my shaking body to knock on his door. Never in all my life had I felt such anxiety and fear yet also felt so much hope. I had my whole life in front of me, and here I was taking risks to achieve what I really wanted! Because honestly, all I wanted was him.

So I knocked on his door. He was confused to see me at such a late hour, but he looked pleased to see me. I told him how I felt about him, how I wanted us to be together. I told him everything that was in my heart. He told me he didn’t feel the same way. He said maybe he could feel that way in the future, but now at this point in his life, he said he couldn’t. I left his house that night, heartbroken and forever changed.

Isn’t that what life is about though? Going through trials, heartbreaks, and tribulation so that we can be changed? It alters our life so that we can progress to where we are supposed to be. I’m not going to tell you that I wish he hadn’t felt differently. Of course I wanted him to kiss me that night and, just like the movies have all taught us, we live happily ever after. But that’s life for you. Sometimes we do not get what we want at the time we think we deserve it. Our timetable for our life does not match our Heavenly Father’s timetable for our life sometimes.

I was devastated by this man’s response. I felt like I was not good enough for him. A few days after this transpired, I read a quote from President Uchtdorf that said “No matter how insignificant you may feel, no matter how overshadowed you think you may be, your Heavenly Father has not forgotten you.” Don’t you love how you receive inspiration from the scriptures or from our beloved church leaders just when you need it? No matter what we are going through in our lives, whether it is big or small, our Heavenly Father is ALWAYS there to comfort us when we are in need of comfort. He gives us these trials not because He does not love us, but to strengthen us.

I don’t know if my story is done with this man. Part of me feels like it’s not over between us, like something else will transpire. Either way, I know in the time since we parted ways, I have felt my Savior’s love more acutely than ever before. I think that when life or people break our hearts, break them completely open to where you feel like you can’t withstand the pain, that is when the Savior rushes in. He fills your heart with such love that, in time, it begins to mend itself back together. That’s what gives me the undying hope that I will love again.

Do I want to be the Pot or the Kettle? (Stella)

I am dating a new man. Yea!! right? Um, no. I stopped getting excited about new relationships years ago. Now I approach them like I'm walking up quietly on a venomous snake that will snap my neck in two if I startle it. Somehow in my head I'll find my husband when I can get my arms around the scary snake before he notices I'm there. Unfortunately, for me that's what relationships have become. Everyone says - Have fun! Enjoy it! I laugh a dry, sarcastic laugh and say uh-huh. To my sweet married friends who didn't date past the age of 23 and have absolutely no idea the trauma of adult dating I tell them - you go and have 8 miscarriages and then tell me you're excited when you get pregnant again. A rather gruesome analogy but it gets my point across.

So this new fellow...he's great. Not just great, amazing. A 'real' grownup with a career, a home, and a life prepared to provide for a family. He is marriage minded and makes it very clear that I am being evaluated for future wifehood. That makes him sound methodical and cunning but he's quite the opposite. Despite being scarred by a painful divorce he is open and honest with his feelings, his fears, and his hopes. He treats me like a princess and trips over himself to take care of me. He's the kind of guy I've waited decades for. I'm having a wonderful time and feeling all those warm fuzzy feelings and yet...

I'm freaking out.

Why? Because THIS ONE is different. It feels totally different - as if it has real possibility. This one is all the things the others were not and this one just might be it. Funnily, I find myself (inside anyway) acting just like the men from my past who were so happy to be in a relationship until it turned serious and then they were clawing to get away. I absolutely refuse to let fear ruin my future or my possibilities so I charge ahead and tell "the jerk" (my special name for satan) to jump in a ditch 'cause I'm not listening!

That said I find it hysterical that I find myself (through honest means of heart shattering experiences) acting just like those men I've dated before who let their fears and insecurities make their decisions for them. I hate that and I absolutely refuse to be that person but it's interesting none the less that these feelings are so powerful.

The future is not yet decided and we're certainly not at a point of making any announcements but I thought I would throw out these thoughts and remind myself of my favorite Book of Mormon verse:

Moroni 7: 12 - Wherefore, all things which are good cometh of God; and that which is evil cometh of the devil; for the devil is an enemy unto God, and fighteth against him continually, and inviteth and enticeth to sin, and to do that which is evil continually.

In honor of my future family I say - If the jerk can't find a ditch I have a few other suggestions...

31 Dates in 31 Days: The Review (Anne)

For the first time in my life—and I hope not the last—I had the opportunity to read an advance reading copy of a book. “31 Dates in 31 Days” is the tale of Tamara Duricka Johnson's quest to make sense of the madness that is dating.

This is a hard review to write for two reasons. First, I felt a bit of jealousy that I didn't come up with the idea to date 31 guys in 31 days, blog about it, turn the blog into a book, and possibly sell the movie rights (it really would make a pretty decent movie, in the spirit of “Julie and Julia.”) Second, the book caused me to examine my own approach to dating and relationships—and it was somewhat uncomfortable.

I identified all too well with Johnson's admissions of relationship-killing fallacies: rushing past dating stage into full-blown relationship; compromising her interests in order to save a relationship; and the big one—believing that any relationship was better than none, and making it work was imperative, because no one else was going to come along. Luckily, Johnson doesn't disclose these admissions until half-way through the book, and by that time I was too invested in her experiment to stop reading.

I'm not going to discuss plot at all—you can check out the website for that—but I will say that as I read the book (hard to put down, by the way—took me about three hours) I was tired for her. I would not be able to keep up the frenetic schedule she did: a demanding full-time job (which I also have), plus a date every single night. And while she set a minimum time limit of 31 minutes for each date, it seemed that all of them lasted at least 2-3 hours.

If I wasn't still trying to heal from a breakup, I know I would have adored this book. And that's not to say I didn't enjoy it—I did. But some of her words hit just a tad too close to home and forced me to examine my own failed relationships through a different lens, a lens that I was simply unprepared to face.

As for Johnson's writing, it is typical of the genre—accessible, engaging, with flashes of humor. My only criticism is that many of her dates seemed to end with her extrapolating some lesson or moral to help develop her new approach to relationships. I'm not sure such epiphanies were completely integral to the story-telling aspect of her experiment. I enjoyed just reading about the dates and didn't need to read all of the lessons she learned; a handful would have sufficed.

That said, I spent the better part of the day trying to figure out how I might run a similar experiment. I wouldn't be able to do it every day, but there's really no reason why I couldn't find a way to have a date every weekend for a specified period of time. And the hallmark of any good book is if it compels the reader to act, to change behavior.

Johnson acknowledges in her book that she is Mormon, but doesn't explore how Mormon culture complicates dating and relationships. I assume part of that is so that she can reach a wider audience, and perhaps because she converted to the faith later in life and might not have been raised with some of the expectations and fears that I was.

But I'm glad she left that part out, because that's my book to write.

31 Dates in 31 Days is available at your regular book-shopping locales. According to Amazon, its official release date is September 27.

Lessons from the Mission.

Thirteen years ago this week, I returned from my mission. I remember feeling like I would never forget the lessons I learned, and many of them I haven't. But one very important lesson I had forgotten, until today.

Whenever God's children try to do something right and good, they might be met with opposition. As a missionary, when someone chose to be baptized, I saw this so often—suddenly she was tempted with things she didn't even know were weaknesses. It's been said that Satan knows our weaknesses and he exploits them anyway he can. And I fell victim to that today.

One of my biggest weaknesses is assuming men do not like the way I look. I come by it honestly—more than one boy has broken up with me and given my looks or my weight as the reason why.

After a particularly rough day at church, I walked to my car, and this principle came to my mind: just like Satan tries to keep people from choosing to be baptized, or go to church, or make simple right choices, he was exploiting my deep-seeded self-loathing to keep me from opening my heart to a good man.

As I reflect on the past couple of days, I can see clearly how it happened—how the thought was planted, how it grew, and how I felt strangled by it by the day's end. And when I floated my theory past my sister this afternoon—that the adversary was pitting me against myself to sabotage a potentially good thing—she said, “I had that thought last night.”

“Why didn't you tell me then?” I asked.

“Would you have listened to it?” she countered.

Good point. I may have, I may have not. But making that connection on my own was certainly more powerful than hearing it from my sister. Finding a spouse is a good thing, an important thing, a righteous thing. So of course Satan would want to thwart that any way he can.

I don't want to give him the satisfaction.

Men

Today I am thinking about men. As a lover of all things boy (and regularly confused by them) I find myself often watching men and wondering what makes them tick. I pray the Spirit will be with me and I am going to write VERY CAREFULLY to ensure that my post today is not mis-interpreted...Heaven help me.

Ever since our last general conference (April 2011) I have been thinking about Elder Oaks talk on Saturday afternoon: "Desire." http://lds.org/general-conference/2011/04/desire?lang=eng
Elder Oaks said many things but this got my attention: "I am sure that some anxiously seeking young men would want me to add that there are some young women whose desires for a worthy marriage and children rank far below their desires for a career or other mortal distinctions. Both men and women need righteous desires that will lead them to eternal life."

I wish I had the guts to ask some of the never married, divorced or single LDS men that I know some of these questions...

• Do you want/desire to be married?


• Do you feel marriage is important?


• Have you ever met someone you thought you could be happy with?


• Do you feel that you have something/nothing to offer a woman?


• Do you feel that you still have tons of time to make this happen?


• How do you feel when the leaders of the church call you on the carpet? Does it make you try harder, feel pounded and 'bad' or do you tune them out?


• What do you think about Brigham Young's statement (I think??) about a man over 25 who is still single is in the grasp of satan?


• Are men (in their 30's and up) still looking for that physically 'perfect' ideal? Have you ever been looking for that or is that an unfair stereotype?


• Do you feel that it is your 'job' or priesthood responsibility to actively seek marriage? Why or why not? Do you feel that you are doing that?


• Do you feel that the woman you're interested in give you a fair chance? Have you ever thought that you're looking at the wrong kind/type of woman?

These are the things I wonder - I think it would help us all if we would just talk about it and share our points of view. We're old enough now that we shouldn't be afraid anymore to be real with each other. So you don't ask me out - I'll live - but I sure would love to know why?

I've decided to be the first - if you're a single man I want you to know this (and I don't think I'm too different from other women but please feel free to chime in):
I am a smart, confident, devoted to the Gospel LDS woman. I am imperfect physically but judging by the many stares I get on a regular basis I'm as beautiful as I think I am. I have held myself in reserve (and in the interest of realness that has NOT been easy) so that I may share my whole self with you someday (and I am VERY excited for that day.) I am courageous and I am accomplished. To the outside world I have it all but in my heart I know that my true self waits for you. Every decision I make, every path I take, every thought I have is somehow connected to my desire for you and our family. I move forward because I am on this earth to progress. I continue to try to improve myself so that I will someday be able to offer you the most amazing version of myself I possibly can. I do not do these things because I am career driven, or because I view my priorities as more important then what I could do within a family. I progress in the areas of my life that I'm allowed to progress in at this time.

I need you more then I can possibly ever put into words. I need your strength, I need your perspectives, I need your calming influence when my femaleness leads me to irrational, emotional freak outs. I need your priesthood and righteousness to lead me and guide me to greater paths. I need your strong arms to hold me so that I can be weak once in a while (as my current world and lifestyle requires constant strength.) I need you to be you and I need you to not be afraid of all that I am.

I don't need you to be rich. I don't need you to have a fancy education, toys, or material things to offer me. I don't need you to be scared of what you aren't. You are a son of God - you are already more amazing to me then you will ever know and I will do everything in my power to make you feel that. My accomplishments in no way take away from yours and I don't need you to feel badly about who you are or where you've been. The only thing that matters is where we will go together. I need you to be confident and love yourself. I need you to know that I am not "her" (whoever "her" is to you.)

I need you to try. I need you to put away fear and recognize who that comes from (the jerk) and that the purpose of fear is to keep you from being happy. I need you to trust me enough to open the door to possibilities. I know you've been hurt - we've all been hurt- but I need you to get over it and keep trying. I need you to not hold yourself back and I need you to not choose the easy way or the path of least resistance. I need you to know that I will use every gift, every lesson, every single thing at my disposal to help make your dreams come true - I will not take away from you but will add and I need you to do the same for me.

I need you to pay your tithing. I need you to read your scriptures, say your prayers, go to the Temple, attend church and magnify your priesthood. I do not need you to be perfect or on the path to future apostleship. I do not need you to be able to quote entire books of scripture but I do need you to have firm faith and know where to go to find the answers. I need you to love me - all of me - as I will love all of you (wrinkles, puckers, and imperfections.) I need you to just hold my hand sometimes and let me depend on you. I need you to know that you are the head of the household and I believe that starts in dating. I need you to take the lead and let me be the woman. I need you to stop waiting for me to ask you out - it's just not going to happen. You're not going to find me at just the "fun" activities. I'm long past that - if you want me you're going to have to come to church - I'm the beautiful blond with the sexy shoe collection.

I need you to start being (or continue being) the amazing man that you are. I need you to start living your best life (please excuse the Oprah reference but it just sort of fit) and I need you to pursue things that will bring true happiness. I need you to trust our Heavenly Father, our Savior, and the leaders of the church and believe them when they tell you that I will be the greatest decision you've ever made.

There's really no other way to say it - I can be happy without you if I really try but I'll never be complete.

Latest Thoughts (Stella Skywalker)

This summer I had the opportunity to attend a fireside that was conducted by one of the 12 apostles. This fireside was specifically for the single adults of the church and as so many of these kinds of meetings go; this sweet Apostle expressed his sadness for those of us who desperately desire a spouse and family and have had to wait. You could tell he really did hurt with us and for us. He simultaneously tried to give us the encouragement to keep going and magnify the parts of our lives that we can control. It was uplifting and wonderful and his love for us was nearly tangible. It’s hard to feel sad in the presence of one of the Lord’s servants. At the end of his remarks he opened things up for Q & A. One woman in the audience (who I will admire to my very last breath for her courage and tenacity) asked…

“I’m well into my 30’s. I’ve served a mission, I’ve been active in the church, I’ve put myself out into the singles world, I’ve pursued an education and career while I’ve waited and I am sick and tired of waiting. What is the church’s council on dating (and marrying) outside the church?”

This really got my attention. I have been asked (and even encouraged) several times by dear friends and family (who are LDS and have Temple marriages) if I have ever thought about looking outside the church. I’ll be honest – my answer is swift and firm “absolutely not.” You may ask why as a convert I’ve so vehemently stuck to my guns. The short answer is fear. The even shorter answer is lack of faith.

Anyway back to the story – Elder Hales looked at her and said (I’m going to add bulleted points for affect here b/c I want to demonstrate the affect this had on me…)

1) If you’ve found a man who honors the Lord.
2) If you’ve found a man who loves the Lord.
3) If you’ve found a man who honors you.
4) If you’ve found a man who loves you.

Then I believe that you’re on the right track for you.

Like many of us I have been promised in my patriarchal blessing that I will have a righteous priesthood holder as my helpmate. I have long assumed this must mean that he will be a current member of the church, certainly he will have pioneer heritage, and of course he will have tons of family in Utah so I’ll have a free place to stay when I finally get around to visiting Salt Lake.

Several months ago I met a man who I had an instant connection with. We met at the party of a mutual friend and within minutes were chatting and laughing as if we were old friends. In fact, someone observing us asked how long we’d been dating – our reply…about 7 minutes. This man is not a member of the church but he is a good and decent Christian man. The more time I spend with him, the more I feel what a true relationship should be like, the more I feel his love, honor, and respect for the Lord and for me, the more I think about Elder Hales remarks to that brave sister.

That said, I have never, not even once, considered dating outside of the LDS faith. I have never, not even once, had a man love and respect me like this man does. I have never, not even once, been so aware of the beautiful life that can be possible if you do it the Lord’s way. I have never, not even once, felt such peace and gratitude that I didn’t get my way.

For those who may be questioning my post here please know that I am not advocating for giving up on the men of the church. I am not advocating that single LDS women will have no other choice but to lay down their hopes of dreams of a current priesthood holder who can take them to the Temple. That is still my dream and my greatest hope that someday I will kneel across the alter from a priesthood holder and be bound to him for time and all eternity. I am simply taking a moment to record my experience. I do not yet know what the future will hold…I don’t know if this man is the one that my blessing talks about but right now I do know this.

1) The Lord’s ways are not mine.
2) I am absolutely dependent on His wisdom and knowledge.
3) I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was not led to this place by accident.
4) All things will work out in the end.
5) Peace comes from one place and one place only. If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the last few years you can’t fake peace and life without it is absolutely, freakin’ miserable.

Today I am at peace. Today I am happy in a way I’ve never been happy before. Today I marvel that I’m being blessed with this experience and somehow the years of painful waiting don’t seem so painful right now. Today I want to know how this will all turn out but all I really know today is that it’s okay. I have the Lord’s blessing to make this decision, he’s put a good man into my life and for some unknown reason He trusts me to decide what’s best. The Lord knows me, He knows how painful my wait has been and He knows how little I have left to give this part of my life in the faith department.

I may not have all the answers friends but I do know this:

I am not alone.

I have never been alone.

I am being blessed right now and I’m going to run with it.

I Refuse to Act Like a Victim! (Marnie)

Why is it when we females end up liking someone we've gone out with, we suddenly lose all of our senses and scheme away on how we are going to "help" a man (or "trick," whichever you prefer) into wanting to keep us? In the old days, men approached the women and pursued them. It was up to the woman to either accept his advances or not. And when she accepted them, they ended up married within the year. Sounds so easy!

Today, it feels like we are using all our skills to get their attention, they ask us out and then we wait on baited breath to see if they ask us out again. For me it's probably because finding really great guys that actually interest me are hard to come by. So when I do meet one that I click with and I think, man, he could be a real potential, I hold on so tightly that he slips away. At least my past relationships seemed to be that way.

It's like I become the victim because he holds all the cards! He claps, and I dance - metaphorically speaking of course...

Well, no more! I caught myself playing that victim role this last week when I was talking to some girlfriends about a man who I just CAN'T figure out. Is he interested? What are his intentions? On paper we are dating - S L O W L Y - but we are still dating. Unfortunately, his actions don't appear to be more than just casual dating. Well, I have goals! And this year is no different from the last two years. I want to start a relationship and actually have it end up at the temple instead of being "over." And my pondering, contemplating and dissecting what he's doing and trying to figure out what he wants from me is just a waste of my time!

So instead, why don't I analyze our date for what I want instead of what he wants? Instead of trying to figure out what his intentions are, why don't I decide if this guy is really worth it? Sure, he's great! We have a fabulous time and I'm attracted to him. But do I really know him yet? Instead of me trying to impress him with all of my great humor and intelligence, maybe I should be deciphering him. I should be drilling him for questions of things I need to know before I can commit to a man. And if it freaks him out, away he goes! And good riddance.

The female in me hates rejection, but I need to buck up and just be ok with it. Instead of worrying IF he will call, why not worry about if he does call, what new information I'm going to glean from the evening? What do I have to lose? Nothing!

Now I'm not talking about interrogating him under a spotlight, but sometimes I think I worry too much about what they think of me, instead of what I think of them. It's time to work on some communication skills because frankly, I'm terrible at it when it comes to my associations with men. And even though he's a great catch, I have no real control over him falling in love with me. I can be on my very best cute, funny, deep behavior, but if he's not feeling it,"he's just not feeling it." (quote from Mr. Click when he broke up with me). And it really has nothing to do with me. It's just the way it goes.

So no more victim behaviors from me! Instead, I'm going to NOT take all this so personally. I'm going to enjoy myself and just try to make it a productive evening. You can tell a lot from a guy from his answers to specific questions. And I need to stop guessing how he would react to certain questions I'm too scared he'll take in the wrong way, and just ask them. Communication is essential to a long lasting relationship (at least that's what the books say) and if I can't communicate with a guy I'm going out with, he surely isn't the right guy for me.

I know, easier said than done. But if I say it out loud enough and drill it into my head - and let my girlfriends slap me across the face when I start acting like the whiny victim again - I just may be able to pull it off. Instead of thinking I have everything to lose, I'm going to BELIEVE I've got nothing to lose!

I've already said it before, I believe that God will send the right guy at the right time. I might as well be practicing for when he gets here. Who knows, maybe I'll find him sooner than I worry I will.

Statistically Speaking...(Marnie)

When I finally decided a few years ago to take the bull by the horns and really change my life and behaviors to improve my dating habits and abilities, I read a dating book that talked about the statistics of the possibility of a single woman marrying after the age of 30. We've all heard that saying that there is a better chance for a single woman over 35 to be killed by a terrorist than to get married. It's not that funny. At least not today it isn't.

The book I read gave numerous reasons why that statement is completely erroneous and how chances are BETTER for a woman in her 30s to marry because her dating pool is so much bigger because she can date so much younger or older than when she was in her 20s. There were multiple many reasons and I really felt like they were all valid and it gave me hope!

Plus, if you date on a regular basis, the chances of marriage is really just a matter of time. Statistically speaking, of course. Right?

But I'm an anomaly. I'm Mormon. I want to marry a Mormon man. I want to marry a Mormon man who is actually practicing being a Mormon! I've dated a couple of amazing men in my time - I don't settle for less. But when push came to shove, these men weren't ready for marriage. A few were so far from it I'm not even sure why I bothered to date them. But the thing was, each guy was amazing! A great human being that had so much to offer! Yet, they couldn't get to that commitment stage - and each of the relationships ended.

I know it's easy for me to analyze these men and lay blame on them and their inability to commit. (Heaven forbid they broke up with me because of some flaw in me!) But I've heard the stories of many fellow women in their 30s trying to find a quality guy to marry. And you think, well is there a great guy ready for marriage in his 30s? Well, no! If he was, he'd be married already!!

Now I know that there are men that have a change of heart, work through the difficulties, and somehow work through their fears and hangups and get to the temple alter. I've seen it! it's kinda like a four-leaf clover though...they are very much a reality but they are rare. And the chances of YOU being the one to find that four-leaf clover, well, that's just lucky! (sorry for the pun!)

And what are the chances that I am "that girl" that falls for "that guy that's finally ready for marriage" at the right time in the right place?? Statistically speaking? Not so good...

So what's the point? Some days I just don't know. But I have to keep trying. I have to keep the faith that there is a bigger plan for me than just believing in the statistics. I have to believe that this is all a part of my life experience that was SUPPOSED to happen to me, not happened by accident. I haven't met the "one" at the right time in the right place because it wasn't right. Thankfully, looking back at almost all of my past relationships, I can honestly say I'm so grateful that they didn't end in marriage. I'm much smarter about what I want and what I need in a husband. Unfortunately, that isn't taught to you as a child. It takes experience and risk. And then comes a lot of the hurt. It's all essential and necessary. And it takes time. Apparently for me, LOTS of time!

So, here I go...today I'll be depressed about the statistics, but tomorrow I've got to start believing again! Get my faith back! And TRUST that this is all a part of the big plan - no matter how daunting and impossible it seems. Because, as the scriptures say, "For with God nothing shall be impossible." (Luke 1:37) Even when dating single Mormon men over 30.

Alma - the War Chapters (Marnie)

Ever had trouble applying stories from the book of Alma (in the Book of Mormon) to your own life? I recently found that you can apply the war chapters to the world of dating!

Here's the scripture - Alma 60: 21-23. It's the famous letter from Moroni to Pahoran:

21 Or do ye suppose that the Lord will still deliver us, while we sit upon our thrones and do not make use of the means which the Lord has provided for us?
22 Yea, will ye sit in idleness while ye are surrounded with thousands of those, yea, and tens of thousands, who do also sit in idleness, while there are thousands round about in the borders of the land who are falling by the sword, yea, wounded and bleeding?
23 Do ye suppose that God will look upon you as guiltless while ye sit still and behold these things? Behold I say unto you, Nay. Now I would that ye should remember that God has said that the inward vessel shall be cleansed first, and then shall the outer vessel be cleansed also.

You may think I'm a bit off my rocker to think that this applies to dating but it does for me. I just went through another disappointment. Nothing serious, just lots of casual dating that seemed to have SO much potential that ended with nothing. (And I lost out to another girl. I'm still shocked and amazed about that, but maybe that's just pride talking.) So the feelings I fight are disappointment, despair, anger at the male population, and just the feeling that I'm never going to find a man that I want who wants to keep me. It's a never-ending battle, but as time goes on, it gets better.

I'm proud to say that instead of my blaming God (which I'm prone to do), I've come out of this with the attitude that this guy just wasn't the right one. He was not in my plan that God has in store for me, which makes it good that he is out of the picture because now I can look for the right guy.

And I can't find the right guy without doing my part - which is where the scripture comes in to play. I can't sit on my butt and wait for "him" to come to me. I have to get back out there in the single world and smile and be the best me. But I can't be the best me until I'm feeling my best, which includes feeling good about my self - inside and out. And to make sure that I'm in a good place spiritually. I find my best relationships have begun when I feel like my relationship with God is going pretty well (i.e., I'm not mad at him for my current situation or circumstances). In this out-of-control existence I lead, the only thing I have control over is my relationship and attitude with God. And to me, it's about cleaning that inner vessel and working on making sure I'm doing what I know makes me happy. That's no easy task, but it's very necessary!

And if I'm ever going to be "delivered" out of this place I'm in and move to the next stage in life, I need to fight the urge to stay home and pout that the man I really wanted didn't want me. No good comes of that idleness and I don't want to waste any more of my precious time on behavior that doesn't help me. It's always a good time to take a risk and try again - especially when I really, really, really don't want to.

Importance of Proof-reading (Marnie)

I mentioned before that I had decided to go online. I'm now on two LDS single websites. I've chosen LDSplanet and LDSSingles. I found LDSplanet to be a place where I attract men at least 10 to 15 years older than me. I can't tell you how discouraging that is! One email from a guy even said, "I wish you were younger! I'm old enough to be your dead." Yes, he typed "dead" instead of "dad." Even a better sign that we are NOT meant for each other.

I did find a cool feature that may cut down on communication from "older" gentlemen of that website. Under My Account, there is a section called "preferences." Under preferences, I can decide what age group can "view" me. Oh, it's a splendid feature!! I have limited it to 35 to 45 (I'm 38). That's the age range I'm comfortable with. Now, I am no longer getting creepy old guys sending me flirts like "love at first sight!" anymore! Now if they ONLY had that feature on LDSSingles...

LDSSingles tends to be more my style. I like how it shows more detailed information up front about the individual. I'm getting some emails from some guys my age which has been nice. One email asked me about my profile and wondered how I could hold a temple recommend if I said I never attended church. DOH!!! It appears that I failed to complete the profile and the default setting was "never attends church." It's been like this for at least a week and a half (when I first signed up) and for at least 3 emails I've sent out to potential guys that have not responded.

I since fixed it so it appropriately reflects who I am. I can only imagine what it would be like to get an email from a girl that is on a LDS website and specifically says, "never attends church." Not a good way to attract church going men - which I am looking for among other things.

So the lesson here? Double check your profile and proof-read! Oh, and change up the picture if it's not getting a good response. That helped too...

Goal Plan for the Summer (Marnie)

A couple of weeks ago, I attended a day long dating workshop that was put on by Val Baldwin and Alisa Snell. I know! I'm a little addicted to these things. But I firmly believe the more I know, the better decisions I make. And since it's obvious my gut reaction on how to date hasn't gotten me very far, I've been really working on getting that knowledge and applying it. I firmly believe the techniques I've learned have helped me get more dates and be more successful in my dating experiences.

It was a great workshop giving great information about online dating (like writing a good profile and being safe online), the basics of flirting techniques and interacting with people of the opposite sex. One great thing about the workshop was that Alisa gave me a personalized goal plan for the next several months. I thought I would share my goal plan in hopes of making me more accountable and thus meeting my goals.

There are a two main goals I wish to complete by 9/9/09:
1. Complete the 50 dates to a Mate program. That means I've got 11 more dates with 11 different men before Sept 9th.
2. Be working on a relationship to get past the "3 to 6 week drop off"

Concerning #2, most relationships don't get past 3 to 6 weeks - which is a reality of dating. Some will never work out (one doesn't like the other). But some don't work out because of bad dating techniques - whether its looking too interested, not showing enough interest or not connecting in the kind of way that builds a relationship. I've had a couple relationships that have gotten past 3 to 6 weeks (my last one made it to 10 weeks!), but in the last 7 months I haven't gotten past 2 dates with any of the men I've gone out with. My excuse is that none of them have been the kind of guys I've wanted to go out with again. According to Alisa that means I'm not putting forth my efforts to meet and flirt with the right guys - which is probably true. That's why she had me make a top ten list of the traits I'm looking for in a mate. Five are non-negotiable and five can be. Now that I have that list, the goal is to focus my flirting techniques on the kind of men that have the traits I'm looking for, instead of with just anyone.

Here is my goal plan:

June 2009:
1. Add three new "venues" to visit this month (places you can meet other singles)
2. At each of those venues, practice 10 flirting techniques BUT only on men you interested in going out with
3. Go on 4 dates - on each date, do 5 flirting techniques
4. If you really liked the date, text him a thank you

July 2009:
1. By July 1st, be on two LDS single websites with different profiles and different pictures
2. After 5 exchanges in email with a guy online, tell him you would love to talk to him on the phone
3. Go on 4 dates - on each date, do 5 flirting techniques
4. If you really liked the date, text him a thank you

August 2009:
1. Go on 3 dates - on each date, do 5 flirting techniques
2. After the 4th date with a guy you want to go out with again, bake him his favorite cookies (thus taking a risk and showing him you like him enough to make that effort - that's a hard one for me...)
3. At least 3 times after an interaction with a guy you want to go out with, say, "It was nice talking to you, you should call me sometime" and walk quickly away. (the goal is for the guy to come back after you to ask for your number)
4. After a man calls you 3 times, call him once (again to show interest and take some risk)
5. Express faith and trust in one man you are dating - do this two times

The ultimate goal is getting those 50 dates to a Mate and finding a couple of great guys to get past that 2 date drop-off I habitually have. I'll report in periodically to let you know how it goes! I'm already half way in June and still no date toward the 11 I have left. But no worries! I believe that hard work, taking some risks, faith and lots of prayers will help me obtain my goals!

Fear and My Precious Time (Marnie)

I was watching something I taped a while back from the Lifetime channel and it went to commercial. Before I could grab the remote, a commercial played for a movie that had Ricki Lake in it. It was called Matters of Life and Dating and it is about a single woman who is diagnosed with breast cancer. One of the clips from the movie was quite poignant (yep, I used the word "poignant" in reference to a Lifetime movie!). Ricky Lake's character says, "Fear has been a waste of my precious time."

That really hit home. Because for MANY years, dating equaled fear for me. In essence, I have wasted much of my precious time. And it's something I've worked hard to change.

What where those fears? The unknown, the known, the potential loss, the potential gain, the heart broken, the heart not even being touched at all...oh! the list of fears goes on and on when it comes to dating!

And it doesn't get better when you are in a relationship. The risk gets deeper and the potential fallout can make you go numb if you dwell in that fear.

So why have I been so afraid? What's the worse that could happen from dating? Well, let's list them:
1. Heart broken
2. Feelings hurt
3. Rejection
4. Loss of a loved one that doesn't love you back
5. Being vulnerable and having that person hurt you or exploit that vulnerability
6. Taking a risk and looking stupid
7. Saying something you regret

I could keep going, but that pretty much covers the gist of it. The fear is real. But it can keep you from something really important - and I don't mean a husband. I mean an experience. Because maybe that experience is necessary to go forward! Maybe that experience - and yes, you can get hurt when you take a risk - helps you make a better choice and carve out more room in your heart for the great man that is up ahead!! If we don't face that fear, we don't go anywhere!

We Mormons are always looking for the miracle (the man of your dreams comes from nowhere, you both suddenly realize you are perfect for each other and get married quickly). But alas, often life is about hard work and patience. As I've continued with my "50 Dates to a Mate" program, I'm finding that it's not just a date I'm getting, it's experiences and some of them aren't that fun. I would REALLY love to be that girl that sets that goal and meets "the one" at date #26. But as I've reached #39 with no good potentials on the horizon, I realize this could go on all the way to #100. That in itself sounds depressing but I at least can see now that each of these dates has taught me something I needed to know - how to improve a relationship skill, humble me, give me confidence, teach me what NOT to do in a certain situation, help me make better decisions about who I date and deal with confrontation. All those things will help me be a better catch and helps me make a better decision and see what I really want in a spouse. And I've been very fortunate to NOT have gotten what I prayed for in the past when it has come to the few relationships I've had. Those matches that seemed so great at the time really weren't and I can see now from these experiences it's good they ended.

So what about fear? Even though I know those experiences are important, I've let the fear creep in again and it's made me very discouraged with my dating situation this last little while (thus the reason I haven't posted anything for so long). I've thought, what is the point??? I have put my heart and soul into everything that I have control over to find more dates, meet more men and to try to find a guy that works for me. And what I've gotten has been disappointing. Mostly that I don't have much to show for it but some painful dates and some hurt feelings from taking a risk with some of those dates. And when you make a goal and seem SO far from it after what feels like you've put your whole heart, soul and faith in, it's very easy to succumb to the fear and just walk away.

But I can't. The reason I want to walk away is only because I'm scared my biggest fear of never finding someone will come true. But listening to that fear is the very reason it WILL come true! Thus, the dichotomy. (I think I used that word right?!)

So what am I going to do about it? Not give up. Not succumb to my fear. Get back out there and keep searching for dating experience #39 - even though it's scary for me.

Tonight I'm supposed to go to a singles dance - the scary kind. And all my friends have bailed out on me. What should I do? Stay at home on a Saturday night because going alone will make me feel vulnerable and uncomfortable? It's scary! There will be times where I will feel out of place or even feel like a sitting duck with some less than great hunters taking aim. But it's better to take the fear head on and go. Face that fear! I've done it before! I can do it again!

And hopefully, this will help empower me, overcome that debilitating fear and stop wasting my precious time!

Warning: This is a RANT! (Marnie)

Dating -
Yeah, who made that up?? I realize it was "courting" for centuries, but when did it change? And when it DID change, who made up all the rules and regulations for current art of "dating?"

And WHY - in the name of my unborn children - didn't anybody teach me how to date???? I suppose it was supposed to be done by my older siblings. But my older brothers were ABSOLUTELY no help. They were more afraid of the opposite sex then I was of boys! Should I have asked my mom? Who does that when they are a kid?

I guess my girlfriends should have tuned me in - but I only had one best friend and she didn't date either. And when I got to college, I felt too embarrassed to ask my new friends.

And how come the Young Women's program didn't talk about it? Sure - there was the instruction on chastity. But they never said, "when a boy calls you up and you don't want to go out with him, say this. Or when you DO like a boy and he DOESN'T ask you out, do this. And whatever you do in this situation, DON'T do this!" That would have been helpful!

Most of my dating examples came from the Love Boat and the Brady Bunch. THAT wasn't good. Although I did know that the boy was always to meet the parents when they came to the door to pick you up. Marcia was good about that. Oh, and that coming over to someone's cabin for a "night cap" meant having sex. No really - I thought "night cap" was code for sleeping with someone. See how this wasn't good?

I also got some insight from movies I watched as a teenager, like: Some Kind of Wonderful, Say Anything, Pretty In Pink, Breakfast. All unrealistic and completely useless in the real world of dating. And actually those movies scared me to death! Really, it's no wonder I haven't had any success in relationships until now. I guess I should be blaming John Hughes.

When I was about 29, I got the book, "Dating for Dummies" in a white elephant exchange. Everybody laughed when I got it, but I was secretly pleased and anxious to read it. It made sense and it did help to a point. But then I didn't date anyone for at least a year...I probably forgot it all. I started reading other dating books several years ago after breaking up with The One. It seemed like I was doing something completely wrong because it ended poorly and I really hoped that those books would be the answer to improving my skills. And I'll admit, I have learned quite a bit that was so foreign to me before.

I have also learned some things on my own from practical experience. Nobody is better at a blind date than me! I've had more than my share of practice. But when it comes to going out with a guy I've just met or an acquaintance, I seem to get all confused as to how that works and things get messed up. And when it's trying to take a casual dating relationship into something more - watch out: I crash and burn at that! You can see the flames from miles away. It's really tragic.

I realize I'm blaming the past for my current troubles, which is a complete waste of time. Only I can change the future. But honestly, I wish I had some kind of heads up on how to understand, how to relate and how to respond to the male gender when I was much younger. I'm positive if I had, I would have been more successful, found out my issues faster and would be currently happily married with 4.5 kids.

Well, I HOPE happily married...

Stupid dating. I hate it.

50 Dates to a Mate! (Marnie)

Remember when I blogged about every date being a learning experience? Well, I’ve come up with something else that makes any date – no matter how painful or embarrassing – all worthwhile for me! It’s called, “50 Dates to a Mate.”

I’m a list kind of gal. I love checking things off. It makes me feel like my hard work is worth it in anything I do and I get a lot of satisfaction when I complete a list. A while I go, after I had several bad dates, I decided I would give myself credit for going out on them and “enduring to the end” of the date. I made up a chart with 50 boxes – numbering them from 1 to 50. And for each date I go on, I fill in the name of the guy I went out with.

The goal for me is to go out with 50 different guys. I read a book called, If I’m So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single by Susan Page and it talked specifically about how statistically speaking, the more a person dates, the better chance they will find the right person to fall in love with and marry. And let’s face it, most dates aren’t that fun – setups can be downright, tragically WRONG. But, if I can just remember to make it a learning experience AND a check on my chart, it’s much easier for me to take the risk and go out with a guy that may not normally qualify as the man of my dreams. Because ONE of these times, it’s GOING to be the right guy! It’s all a matter of getting through those 50 dates!

The rules for myself was that I couldn’t count a date if I wasn’t sure if I was asked out because in my painful, past experience (referring back to my relationship with “Rebound”) - if you aren’t sure you are on a date, then you’re not. (I went on about 6 “hangout dates” with him that never meant a thing to him much to my embarrassment.) I also couldn’t count a guy more than once. And I couldn’t count it as a date if I asked them out. I only started really trying to date about a year ago, so I allowed myself to count some past dates as well so I would have a good running start – because for a girl like me 50 is A LOT!

Once I made this goal for myself, I had to figure out how to get more men to ask me out – because the truth is, the ball is in their court to ask us out. So I decided to change some expectations and to go out with guys maybe I had already realized wasn’t going to end up in a relationship. That doesn’t mean I’ve gone out with creepy or mean guys, but it means I try to keep an open mind and go out with someone that may not be the perfect choice for me. For me, it’s about building some skills and trying to learn to get along and communicate with guys. And it’s a true known fact (because it happened to me once), that a girl that dates – even if it’s a lot of first dates – shows more confidence around guys and somehow becomes more attractive to the opposite sex and - as a result - gets asked out more. It’s a really strange phenomenon.

Also to help out my situation, I found some good flirting tips from Alisa Goodwin Snell’s book, Dating Game Secrets for Marrying a Good Man. I’ve tried not only smiling more and making myself look more approachable, but I also try to compliment them once during the conversation or touch their arm once while talking to them to show my interest. I made a real effort with ALL guys instead of just the ones I liked or was interested in. When I did that with any guy I met or talked to at a party, it was much easier later to talk to the guys I was really interested in. I try to make the few moments (and that's the key too!) with me good and positive. As I have done this, I have had success and am asked out more than I ever have. It hasn’t always been with whom I’ve wanted – but like I’ve decided, no date is a waste!

Now I might be wrong and at the end of 50 dates and I may still be single. But I’m pretty sure if I put all my effort into it and try as hard at that as I do with anything else in my life, I will be that much closer to my ultimate goal of marriage. (Maybe at date 65!?!?) And the experience will at least help me learn some important new skills in relating to that very intriguing, sometimes annoying, always surprising and downright confusing, opposite sex.

I apologize to the men in my dating pool (marnie)

Ok, so I’m feeling a little guilty about something I said in my last blog. I compared my dating pool to a bushel of overripe apples. Yeah, its not the meanest thing I’ve compared men to, but it isn’t a good one. Nor is it respectful.

I used to have a very dim view of the opposite sex for a time (ok, all through my 20s). They could never do anything right! And if one male misbehaved, I slammed them all. And I did this in my every day conversation. Yeah, you wonder why I didn’t get married before I was 30, huh??

Well, I’m a reformed slammer of men. I don’t think pointing out the faults of a group of people have ever built bridges to understanding that group of people. It’s better to take the positive and focus on it. I know one of the things I desire most from people is understanding and compassion. And I know I have some really shallow points about myself that I’m sure some other people don’t like. But I would much rather them focus on my really good points that I’m proud to have worked on and actually achieved. So shouldn’t I also give that much courtesy to others?

And the truth is, I have met and dated some wonderful guys! Wonderful guys that have been in my same social status predicament. And if I truly have changed, I shouldn’t be comparing these guys to rotten apples. That’s just rude!

A girlfriend of mine was telling me about her boyfriend and some of the things he’s done for her as they’ve become closer in their relationship. She has a hard time believing he really digs her a lot and it’s hard for her to see when he is sacrificing and making her priority. But because I’m an outsider, I can see it as clear as day! What a great guy! Not perfect, but he tries so hard to do what’s best for both of them. It’s good to see a man committed to putting his girlfriend first and trying to work as a team as they figure out their social agendas (both family obligations as well as their own wants and needs). He is an outstanding man that really is a good representative of how many good men that are out there.

Yeah, I know. They screw up. They come off as selfish brats sometimes. But they also come through, too! And I know that as I’ve focused on their good points (harder to do when you’ve recently been rejected, mind you), I’ve found I’m happier and more upbeat about the future. And I’ve dated a whole lot more. Sure, some of those dates haven’t been my favorite, but it’s nice to be wanted enough for them to take me out!

So, I apologize to all the men in my dating pool! I think you are tremendous! And even though some of you don’t prefer my company, that’s ok too!

As that primary song goes, “Kindness begins with me….” - I pledge to keep seeking out the good in the men I know and even point out the good things I see they do when I have the opportunity. Not only will it help me keep positive but it will reinforce those behaviors that often go overlooked and unrecognized. It will also help me identify the kind of man I’m looking for to date and eventually marry. And that’s a win-win situation.

Stay In New Years (Bridget)

New Years Eve proves to be one of the most stressful nights to plan in my life. Why do New Years plans seem to symbolize the validity of one's life? I have countless times had the conversation with friends, what are you doing for New Years? It begins there..around December 1st really. I can see the maniacal desire for a perfect fantasy new years relected in my and my girlfriend's eyes. The kind of new years in which there is a fun party where a good friend just happens to have a cousin that you've never met before and looks a whole lot like(insert gorgeous male leading man actor here, mine would be someone like John Cusack or Colin Firth)He is smitten with me/her and after hours of fun flirtation and getting to know eachother, the midnight hour strikes, and that perfect New years kiss happens, symbolizing the beginning of a beautiful relationship. Or there is the fantasy that is in my head that I borrow from When Harry Met Sally, since I have a Harry in my life, and have for years, the fantasy that he shows up at the party I am at and confesses that he can't live without me..again ending in the perfect New years Kiss..symbolizing the beginning of the step towards romance in our long time friendship. Along with the maniacal desire, there is an extraordinary pressure to find something that will live up to all of the hope and excitement we have for the next year.
These days, if there is a great opportunity that presents itself, and it is something that I truly want to do, then I will go out for New Years. It will be a "Go Out" New Years. If there is nothing that presents itself, there will be a "Stay In" New Years, in which there is much reflection and wearing of pajamas. Both have their place. I think with all of the years of self imposed pressure to squeeze all the hope and fun in one night, I now have no desire to "force" New Years, cuz it always turns out below expectations..because really what could live up to such high standards. I have finally learned to spread the desire to have fun and have excitement through out the year...and not only one night...cuz what girl needs that kind of pressure.

Rejection Sucks (Marnie)

Satan is pretty clever. He goes for our weaknesses and our biggest insecurities. He knows when and where to hit us when we are down. For me, it’s keeping the belief that some man will really want to keep me for “time and all eternity.” It still fathoms my mind that someone would really want to stay with me for that long. These many years I’ve been working on faith and believing that in fact someone will. Heck, I’ve had guys I can’t stand ask me out and even one have revelation for me that we should be “together forever.” So I know it’s possible. I guess it’s that I don’t think a guy I care and love will want me back. And really, do I have any proof that one guy will? If I did, I’d be married, wouldn’t I? See the conundrum??

When I was seeing The One, we once talked about dating. Some girl he dated for a few weeks told him she didn’t want to see him anymore. He was bummed about it. When he ran into her a few weeks later, she asked if he was still mad at her. He responded with, “no, why should I be mad? You didn’t want to go out with me. So what! I’m not going to take it personally, it’s just the way it is.”

See, this is where men and women are vastly different. The One took the rejection as a fact of life and was in no reflection to him or his personality, looks, humor, or quality of a human being. She didn’t want him. So what? There were other girls that would want him (like me for instance).

Yet, my latest rejection has left me with constant inter-reflection of what went wrong: why did he suddenly loose interest? He liked me before…or did he? What is it that is so wrong with me that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore? Am I not pretty enough? Funny enough? Smart enough? Domestic enough? Spiritual enough? Too loud? Too insecure? Not adventurous enough? The list can go on and on and on if I let it.

The fact of the matter is: it’s over. Analyzing it to death won’t bring the relationship back. And I don’t really want it back. The last thing I want to do in this world is be with a man who doesn’t appreciate me for all my positives AND negatives.

So why can’t I be more like The One and just let it go? Just let it be? Just move on and say, “well, he isn’t the right guy for me, so who’s next?”

Well, I tell you why! I’m letting my weaknesses and fears keep me from seeing this logically and practically and letting my emotions – my very irrational emotions - keep me down.

Thus, I’ve decided that I’m not letting those fears that creep up to the surface that I constantly have to squash – and some days I do it better than others – get the best of me! This isn’t a contest to see if I can convince a man to love me. It’s about finding a man that will love me for who I am - of his own free will. I keep forgetting that! So when a man doesn’t want to keep me, it’s not really MY fault. In actuality, I didn’t fail at anything! He just isn’t the right one.

And the truth is, that’s his loss! Because I’m REALLY funny….

Break up and Recovery (Marnie)

Awhile ago, I was running to my car from my house when I tripped and fell. It was raining hard, and I was trying to avoid as many raindrops as possible. So I jumped off my front step and misjudged the circumference of my skirt which tripped me. Needless to say, I fell hard on my hands and knees. It surprised me as much as it hurt me.

My first reaction was to start bawling. It was a Monday morning and it was after a rough weekend and it just seemed too much. I eventually picked myself up and went back inside to fix my wounds and get the leaves out of my jacket. I felt foolish, clumsy and stupid for misjudging something I was so confident in. Plus, it hurt like the dickens and I suffered the consequences of that action for days with bruises and sore knees.

I haven't admitted to it yet, but I started dating Mr. Click a while back. Like his name indicated, we clicked well. I've never had such a great first date! (And I've been on a lot of them in my time.) It was a great experience and I enjoyed being with him every second. Sure, I had my moments of doubt and was unsure as to what was going on, but overall, I had a blast.

But we broke it off. I'm not going to say why or go into details because it's not important. Mr. Click still doesn't know about this website (which is why I never said anything about him). But I can tell you that the end was unexpected for me and I have felt some of the same feelings I felt when I fell down on that rainy, miserable day...foolish, clumsy and stupid for misjudging something I was starting to feel confident in.

Let me sum up some of my current raw emotions:
EMOTION #1: I'm missing him terribly. We had become close friends and I felt like I could trust him without judgment. He is a GREAT guy and still is. He was my equal and let's be honest - we often don't get to date our equal. So the loss of him is much bigger than just some random cute guy I casually dated for awhile.

EMOTION #2: Loss of a real potential. Although at first I wasn't really into him, I gave it time and realized he had a lot of the characteristics I was looking for. We were really compatible but still had some differences to shake things up. And now that potential is completely gone. I feel like I'm on the board game of Chutes and Ladders. I almost won the game to a real committed relationship (and I'm NOT even talking about marriage - just a dating relationship!) but instead I landed on the space with the huge chute that goes all the way back to the beginning of the game. I'm starting over from scratch. AGAIN!

EMOTION #3: I feel betrayed. By him, by God. Of course I'm just putting blame wherever I can because that's how I work. It's completely irrational and I don't REALLY believe it deep down inside. And really it is no one's fault. It just is. But I want to make sense of it all, so blaming someone else for a relationship not working out is just natural for me - although very destructive thinking.

EMOTION #4: I feel rejected. Ok, you figured it out, I liked him a LOT. And that wasn't enough for this relationship. I'm now looking at myself and wondering what's wrong with me? Why can't I get ONE man on this blasted earth to want to be with me longer than a few months?? Am I that unlovable? Yeah, that's more destructive thinking that's got to stop.

EMOTION #5: I want to run and hide. After spending some time with him, I made a decision and took a risk. I opened my heart to him and cared for him. And because it has ended, I feel like I never want to do it again! Why risk it when you just get rejected?? Why go that extra mile if you just end up all alone and hurting? It makes me never want to trust a man again. Although if I want to get where I want to go, I've GOT to get over that!

EMOTION: #6: I'm feeling stupid. I made mistakes which is natural for a human being - especially one with as little experience in relationships as me. I've been thinking of things I should or shouldn't have done - like they would somehow have kept this all from happening. Yep, more destructive thinking that I just have to let go.

EMOTION #7: Sometimes, I just feel like crying. I can't even put my finger on the exact emotion that is causing that cry. I guess I don't have to label it. It just needs to get out of me and I do believe it will help with the healing.

Now, this isn't my first breakup. Getting over the love of my life (aka "The One") was so hard I thought I would die. And I am in no way in that position. I think the difficulty with this break up is that I have been working hard to envision me being married. I've felt more ready to be in a relationship than ever before. I was on a roll! I was gaining momentum! I was doing things COMPLETELY different from before - big scary stuff that I've never attempted. Things that I was proud of for conquering - all appearing to pay off!! And because it was so different, I let myself think that it could very well be a relationship that for once would actually stick.

Silly girl!

I had to re-read my last few blog posts to remind myself of my past answers to prayers and to start getting my hope back. Although my emotions make me want to believe some lies and completely irrational thoughts, I do believe everything will be ok in the end. I will survive! I will move on! I will break through and make it so these emotions will become less and less on my mind and in my heart. And I will be able to trust a man again and be ready for another risk. I WILL GET MARRIED!!! If anything I'm in a much better place to deal with this than in the past. Since June - even before I started dating Mr. Click - it has been my goal to work on the one relationship I have complete control over - my relationship with God. He is constant. He will never leave me. And He will help me. He has a real plan for me and all of this stuff makes sense to him. I just have to remember that and trust Him.

And I do believe all the sacrifices and efforts in improving my prayers and taking more time to read and ponder the words of God and his prophets has given me the reserve of strength to not hide away and fall back to where I was before. I refuse to loose that momentum! I will get back out there as soon as I'm able! It will hurt - oh, it will hurt - but I can't let those emotions keep me from being the adult I need to be.

And an adult picks herself back up after she falls down hard on the cement in the pouring rain. She brushes herself off, cleans up her wounds, dries her tears and walks, limping a little, but making it to her next destination.

"Sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can fall together." Marilyn Monroe
I'm really counting on that...

Taking Control (Bridget)

This weekend I took my fate into my own hands. I was sitting here doing a paper for one of my psychology courses. I had talked to a guy that I had been emailing for a while from online. We hadn't met yet. We talked about what we were doing later that evening. Both he and I did not have plans. I thought to myself, this would be a perfect time for him to suggest we meet. He didn't. I, being a traditional sort of girl did not suggest we get together...ok it could be because I am chicken...but whatever. We hung up and I went on with my afternoon of finishing my paper. About six I got restless. My roommates were gone. The house was empty and it was a Saturday night, almost a transgression to be sitting home...a vital 37 year old single woman in the happening state of California. I had also talked to GSE earlier that day and thought, wow that would be super cool if he could come over to watch a movie....we'd have the t.v. all to ourselves...i then went about doing something that I have come to know as a move that just really seems on the surface as if I am making a move, when in reality not so much..i called his home phone, in which empirical evidence has shown in the past, he doesn't answer much. I told myself if he answered then I would ask him over, if he didn't I wouldn't and I wasn't going to leave a message. Well GSE didn't answer. I sat there looking at my cell phone..ok ....lets think about this...girl home alone on a Saturday....know boy from internet is also home alone on Saturday....should girl call him and point out the obvious...why don't we get together and see if there is any potential to go onto the next step. Ok, here goes...dialing...beep beep beep...boy answers. Girl says, thought it would be a great night to meet perhaps for dessert later...boy was a little taken aback but said yes. Boy and girl enjoy seasonal pumpkin cheesecake at Cheesecake Factory....sparks flying? no, not for girl...but boy has called three times since...girl is proud of herself for taking her life into her own hands...much better than staying home when restless...girl looking forward to next boy and next piece of cheesecake.

Inspire Me (Bridget)

Ok, so its been a long time since I blogged. Just to tell you where I'm at..i'm currently trying to figure out where I want to go for my master's/PHD. Do I want to be a Marriage/Family therapist, or do I want to go the whole route and be a Clinical Psychologist? Do I want to stay in California, or do I want to go back to Utah? I am in the middle of making many decisions. Somehow, the experiences that i've been having lately have taken much of my energy, and left nothing for blogging. I apologize.

I've had some interesting realizations lately.

1. I know the Lord send us people that help us to keep the hope alive. I met someone from an online dating site about a month ago. We talked for about a week before we met up...during the week we texted and talked on the phone a few times. It was very cool to get to know this guy. In the week of chatting, and moreso when we actually met (we had a nice time...)I just focused on having fun. I focused on being comfortable, even though I would be out of my comfort zone. In the end, we didn't have the chemistry to get to a secon dated..but I continued on with more hope that the person I'm looking for will appear at some stage of the game.

2. I know the Lord hears our prayers. And answers them when its the right time. A few weeks ago I prayed one week specifically to have a fun date, to kind of break up the monotony of life. I volunteer up at a children's hospital and many of the Saturdays i am up there, there is a really cool guy that volunteers as well. I had never looked at him as someone that I would particularly like to date. But a few days after I started praying specifically to have a fun date, he asked me if I wanted to go lunch with him after volunteering. I felt very strongly that this was an answer to my prayer. We had a great time and went to lunch another time as well. I don't necessarily think we're compatible...but I do know that my simple prayer was answered .

3. I can ultimately trust the way I feel about a situation. I can trust that things work out the way they are ultimately supposed to. I don't have to question why,or analyze why I don't want to date someone, I can learn to trust my gut feeling. Although it takes practice, to listen and hear what is going on inside of us is a great skill. Remember Dodger Guy, he was an online prospect from one of my first blogs. For some reason, the thought of actually meeting him in person made me anxious. Ultimately, I didn't meet up with him, I let him know that a long distance relationship (he lived 6 hours away,in Northern Cal) was not an option for me right now. I stressed and wondered, why can't I just go out with him and see where it goes? Why do I need to be so closed minded? I kind of stressed myself out about it. Recently I texted him to see how he was, because in the time that I talked to him, I got a sense that he was a really good guy and was genuinely wondering how he was doing. He said he had a found a wonderful woman that lived close to him, he felt he would marry her. I was happy for him. During that conversation I felt for sure that things had turned out the way they should have. I felt like my lack of inspiration to meet him, was just that, a lack of inspiration. It didn't have to say anything about my commitment issues, or social anxiety..or that I was "wasting" a chance to meet a potential husband, and I would be alone forever because of my close mindedness,or whatever else I obsessed about at that moment. Saying that, I know it is also important to make sure we are open to stepping out of our comfort zone and into the unknown when we feel inspired to. But its ok if we're not inspired...I have been since, and I will be again...