Trying to Repent (Marnie)

I wrote this whole big rant this weekend about how lame Speed is. But now it just seems silly and bitter to put all that info on the blog. So, I decided to just suck it up and give a smaller, more concise version and hope the bitterness comes out as just some frustration.

After a couple of email exchanges over the last few weeks, Speed called me at 11:30am on a weekday last week. A normal girl would be really flattered and happy. Not me! It really, really, really annoyed me. I was already having a “week” which didn’t help, but finding out what time he called me, made me totally have a cow.

What was the reason for my cow? Well, why call a girl in the middle of the day? He knows I work! Why would he think I would be home??? Or even be able to answer the cell phone if I was at work? If he really wanted to talk to me, wouldn’t he pick a better time that makes more sense? Either he was just following his gut after he got my email and he really wanted to talk to me, or, he was being lame by leaving a message in the middle of day knowing I wouldn’t be home to get it AND throwing the ball into my court making me do the work because he has no backbone.

Of course, I assumed the second.

I know, I know - I was looking for an excuse to not take a risk because of the fear that I had already pegged this guy – one more strange dude that has no social skills and will cause some uncomfortable and possibly annoying moments in my life.

I ended up not calling him until…well, I didn’t.

After some very animated spewing to some girlfriends, followed by some soul-searching, I’ve decided to buck up and contact him back and follow through until the end – even though he is acting a LOT like a guy I went out with once before. (For your information, that “guy” ended up providing THE LONGEST DATE OF MY LIFE. So you can see why I’m really hesitating.)

I guess what bugs me is that all of this takes effort and risk. And frankly, I’m tired of putting out effort and risk on things that don’t look good at all from the very beginning. I realize I’m projecting on poor Speed, but I still feel like this will end just like all the other bad blind dates. And I’m tired. Really tired. Of all of this.

But then, who isn’t tired?

So, after pouting for a weekend, I emailed him today. Yep, I swallowed my pride and did it. In the email, I apologized for not getting back to him. We'll see how he takes my flakiness. I probably should have called him, but this seemed the most normal response in this situation.

Wait!! Who am I kidding? None of this normal! Did you ever think all of this is just completely insane? Finding a mate? While being over 35 years old? AND Mormon? Yeah, completely insane!!

And yet, I push onward…

There. I feel better.

Sushi for Two(Bridget)

I had a date on Monday night with a 30 year old writer. It happened pretty quickly,well sort of...months ago I received an email from a very sincere guy with a great vocabulary(use big words and I'm your's.)We instant messaged a few times over the span of a weekend, I found that he lived 20 minutes away and he got my sense of humor..and that he knew big words. What more do you need? He asked me to dinner and I at the time, said I'd like to get to know eachother a little better, but was semi open to meet someone younger,for fun and who knows?

Then after a couple of more emails he dropped off the face of the earth (how unlike internet dating,I know). I thought i had offended him by something i asked. And I had an inclination about which question it was. Although his profile said he was a writer,he told me that he valet parks to pay the bills. When he told me this, I then asked,wait for it... What's your plan? After a long silence he typed back, My Plan? I felt bad in assuming that he even had a plan, or needed a plan. I honestly just thought, oh hes a writer and he is parking cars until he gets his big break. He didn't have a plan, which then I felt bad about calling attention to the fact that he doesn't have a plan...and then the dropping off of the earth happened. I felt a little bummed because I thought he seemed like a really cool guy..this young valet parker/writer with no plan.

So fast forward a couple of months and I get an email from him. He had computer problems (for two months,that's call for a new computer or a better excuse) and we wrote back and forth a couple of times, then within a couple of days, we happened to be free on the same night and decided to meet for Sushi. No pressure at all. I felt good because I didn't have any expectations and just wanted to have a laugh or two. I met him and i thought he was attractive in person. I felt comfortable, actually a bit too comfortable,the kind of comfortable that would gladly would step aside for a little bit of anxiety if it meant there was major attraction. I felt right away that I had the upper hand. But he was funny and cute, spilled the Miso soup but was charming about it. When the server asked if he needed anything else, he said maybe a few more minutes to spill the drinks.He made me laugh.

I didn't feel any sparks, but thought I would like to see him again, if only to be friends. He asked the dreaded "what do you do for fun?" and I let him know about my most favorite activities to do. I am one busy woman these days what with school,work,church, and volunteering....and it felt really good to be able to tell him the exciting things going on in my life. By the end of the night, I had the desire to perhaps see him again, but knew that we were not at the same place. He was only 30. Which is really relative, but for this 30 year old, he was pretty much where I was at 30, still not knowing what the heck i was doing.

He kissed me on the cheek,which was a bit awkward. He said he'd really like to see me again, what was I doing the next night? The next night? Hmm...busy. Because I was...When I drove away, all I wanted to do was call GSE. I wanted to be excited and thrilled and inspired and attracted...and I didn't feel that. He sent me a really nice text about an hour later with some very nice compliments. He didn't call the next day, he texted. I texted him back,actually asked him to go to the Getty, a very cool museum in L.A. He had to work on the Friday night I proposed.

Since then, I've received an email in which he informed me, he had decided to move to Utah...to move in with his parents...yeah, did I mention he's 30? I don't remember if i did.

10 things about Bridget

1. Full time psychology student
2. From California,lived in Salt Lake City for 12 years and moved back to Southern Cal 2 years ago
3. Have dated mostly guys who are not members of the LDS church
4. Went on a mission to England
5. Love 80's Alternative music,especially Depeche Mode
6. When I have a really bad day, I eat In n Out Burger..if you're not familiar with In n out, I am truly sorry
7. I love mindless t.v. (i.e The Hills,The Two Coreys)
8. I have a fear of Karaoke
9. One of the biggest trials of my life is to really feel my worth
10. My favorite hat to wear is Aunt Bridget.

Romantic Entrepreneur (Leah)

I decided last week to work on my skills as a "Romantic Entrepreneur." Or in other words, "Give a Guy a Chance." I went out with a guy a couple weeks ago. It was nice enough. He's nice enough. There were no real sparks but there was no revulsion. He tried to ask me out again but I was busy, so last week I was debating if I should call it dead or if I should invite him to something to try to keep it going. Having just gotten over (or am I still trying to get over?) Phil it's hard to think it's worth it giving another guy a chance. Basically, my thought process was, "The last one really hurt and never resulted in anything. This one may or may not result in anything but there really aren't any huge sparks, this is a good time to let it fizzle, I can avoid any real pain, and I don't have to worry about causing him pain later. Phils never work out so why even go there with this one it would just be a huge waste of time...." I know - it wasn't the most rational thought process, but I think many of you can relate to my hesitation. Then later that day I was counseled to be a "Romantic Entrepreneur" and be open to dating. The timing of the advice was just what I needed so that evening I called the guy and invited him to something. We went out on the fourth, it was fun. It wasn't the greatest date ever and there weren't suddenly sparks, but it was comfortable and I was reminded that he's a good man. I also remembered some sage advice I received about a month ago. My friend told me that I love freely and will probably have no problem loving a Phil or a permanent Phil (husband) so in my dating I shouldn't worry so much how much I like the guy or feel for the guy because I can easily and will easily develop the necessary feelings. What I need to watch for is how well the guy can love me. I haven't quite figured out how to apply this advice. But in the case of this new Phil I've decided it means I'll keep open to him - keep giving him a chance - and not worry about the lack of sparks I feel for now - the sparks will come - no doubt about it. I just have to wait to see if he feels any.

Hmm, that sounds like a lot of rambling on my part. Many apologies if you got nothing out of it.

10 Things about Leah

Okay, now for my 10 things. I've been "on vacation" for the last couple of weeks - which isn't like me at all - and I'm anxious to get back in my life. I think this will be a good start. And just so you know, in case it matters, there is absolutely no order to this list - just as it comes to me.
1. I tend to over share. I even had my students once give me the "TMI."
2. I love people - I can't get enough of good ones. I feel blessed all around that wherever my life has taken me my close friends and associates are good uplifting ones.
3. I love books - I think some of the characters become some of those good friends for me. I think I've finally come to the stage in my life, though, where I can tell a good book from a bad one - bad in the sense of not worth my time. There is too much of life for me to spend a lot of time just being entertained. Which takes me to my next point...
4. I love to learn. I love to think that I'm seeing things in new ways and gaining new perspectives. People and books are really good for fulfilling this need to learn. I know there's always a different way of looking at things and I hate to miss any of them.
5. I hate to think there is anything out there to fear. I don't ever want to be a victim, of any kind, so I believe my love of learning is an attempt to conquer any fears that may be hiding in my sub-conscious.
6. Like Marnie, I never really enjoy the question, "What do you like to do?" I usually wind up saying, "I like to read," but I think that sounds nerdy and boring and the truth is, I probably don't spend as much time doing that as I'd like. One Phil, from long ago, said I needed a hobby - I think I was smothering him - I told him my hobby was people and at that moment he was at the top of the people list. Yeah, smothering, I've been working on that one.
7, 8, 9. I'm stuck. I have nothing more to offer. I'm only good for 7 things. For all that previous talk I should say that I avoid annoying people, and situations that make me afraid. For instance, I hate haunted houses. They make me angry - that's what happens when I get scared or nervous - I get angry. Not pretty. I also find myself staying up way too late way too often reading way too lame of books - the fluffy meaningless types. And as for love of learning - well I have a few degrees but doubt I'll ever do a PhD because it just sounds like way too much work and reading and writing. So basically...
10. I'm a hypocrite. But who isn't?

10 Things About Marnie

Ok, if you haven’t noticed yet, I’m very wordy when I write – thus the WAY too long “10 things about me" list. I should be concise and state the facts, but I love to embellish and share my reasons. So, here goes!

1. I love to plan parties and activities. I hate it when there is nothing to do – if I’m single, I might as well have the magnificent social life that all married people think I have. And sometimes you have to make and plan that magnificent social life.
2. I’ve just discovered my domestic side and actually really like it! These last few months, I’ve been intrigued with the Cooking Channel and HGTV. And I’ve started experimenting - cooking, sewing, gardening (ok, the gardening is more like keeping my house plants alive). It’s helping me get over my worry that I won’t be domestic enough to be a good wife.
3. I live in Utah by myself because of my job – my whole family is in California. I find living in Utah both liberating and lonely – and I love/hate it. Luckily, I go home at least 4 times a year to regroup and spend time with them. When I have to leave them and come back to Utah, it’s another love/hate thing…
4. The one question I dread the most on dates/interactions with potentials is: “So what do you like to do in your free time?” That question makes me feel ill-equipped. I’m one of the busiest persons I know and yet I can’t break down how I spend my free time into one interest or hobby. I’m too busy and have too many interests to focus on one thing ALL the time. The good news is that I’ve turned over a new leaf and have decided I will tell the date/interest asking the question my huge list of things I love to do when I can.
5. I hate snow. But rain brings me joy.
6. Kris inspired this next one....I’ve never been kissed. Honest. Oh wait! There was that walrus at Sea World when I was 11. (I’m happy to say there was no tongue involved in that incident!) And yes, I wanted to kiss both The One and Rebound so badly it physically and emotionally hurt!! But it just didn’t happen. Oh, and watching the Drew Barrymore movie with the same title hit a little too close to home.
7. I’m a TERRIBLE speller. And I spell check every thing I write. I’ve been known to type out on the computer what I put in a thank you card just so I can spell it all correctly!
8. I have to sleep with a fan on – I’ve got tinnitus (ringing in my ears). Before I was diagnosed in my 20s, I thought silence sounded like a high pitched ringing.
9. And while I’m on the subject of sleeping, I love to sleep in on a Saturday morning and wake up naturally with no alarm clock going off. I love to think and ponder while waking up. And most of my epiphanies and answers to prayers come while lying in bed thinking and listening to the fan in the background.
10. I’m going to write a book one day about my “interesting life” as a single Mormon woman. It will include bad blind dates, and crazy coincidences, ironies, and stories from my relationships and experiences. It will be hilarious! I’ve got it outlined, but I’m having a hard time getting to a really good ending! :-)

expectation management (marcia)

Last Sunday my Bishop confirmed my theory. In front of the entire ward, he showed us a graph that statistically proved that Low Expectations is the key to happiness and success…which has been my mantra for a couple of decades now. Lest you think I am a pessimist, let me explain…

I find expectation management to be especially helpful in dating and movies. Let’s take movies for example. Example A: If I hear rave reviews of a movie, I go to the theater with pretty high expectations. I’m either disappointed because I had such high expectations or if I liked the movie, the experience wasn’t as sweet because I expected it. Example B: I went to see the latest Indiana Jones movie with very low expectations. While I wasn’t jumping out of my seat, I knew what to expect and I was sufficiently entertained for the $10 ticket. Example C: When I saw “I am Legend”, I knew nothing about the movie and I loved it – that’s the best scenario – when you have low or zero expectations and end up loving something.

In the dating realm, I don’t expect my dating life to be a chick flick with Meg Ryan magically meeting Tom Hanks at the top of the Empire State Building on Valentines Day. Instead I work on enjoying life, working hard and playing whenever I can. It works for me – I’m very happy and I enjoy my life.

Not that I haven’t seen my fair share of expectation management failures though. There was this one guy awhile ago who I thought was perfect. He was smart, successful, funny and gorgeous. We had very similar interests – which has been hard for me to find. Even though we only had one date, I was convinced everything was going to fall into place and we would live happily ever after. After that first date, he emailed a few times and would throw out teasers like “we should ….” or “I’ll call you….” But that’s all they were…teasers. My expectations (you might say they were borderline fantasies) were way out of control and the disappointment was bitter.

Translating my expectation management theory into my current dating experience, I had pretty low expectations when I started dating Clue – this is in no way a reflection on him or who he is. As Clue pointed out (see “the first step” posting), I wasn’t emotionally available because of a recent break-up. Even though I wasn’t interested in the relationship, for some reason I kept going on “one more date.” If I’m being really blunt and honest, I didn't feel a connection with Clue and there were a couple of times I dreaded an upcoming date and came very close to cancelling. Again, NO reflection on Clue.

So after a couple of months of moving at a snails pace on a rocky road, things are now pretty amazing. I’ve learned more about communication and relationship development in the past month than I have my entire life. I’ve learned about growth and being open. I’ve learned about caring for someone who has a totally different background than me and embracing and learning from the differences. There is so much that I’ve grown to admire and respect about Clue – stuff that originally unimpressed me. I guess the moral of my story is simply to give love a chance – even when you think there’s no way something will work. It took two months of Clue-sized patience and endurance to break through my walls, but now that we’re past that stage, it’s a beautiful thing.

The Fruits of My Labors (Kris)

All the sleep I've missed maintaining three dating sites is starting to pay off. I had my first date last week. I wasn't expecting much but was pleasantly surprised. I think I mentioned that I thought he was a little old for me, and I wasn't too impressed with his profile. I was thinking I could go and just check off the first internet date. I had it in my head that I'd be going out on quite a few dates before I was interested in someone. He surprised me. He was cute and very interesting. Honestly, it freaked me out a little. I realize you don't know a lot after a two hour dinner, but enough that I'd like to know more about him. He's out of town for two weeks, but he said he'd call when he got back. I also got a very nice "thank you" email from him the next day before he left town. So, we'll see where that goes in a couple of weeks.

In the meantime, I think I have dates 2 and 3 coming up this week. One is the first guy who called me. I was impressed with the conversation but then didn't hear from him for a couple of weeks. Then last week he called a lot (mostly leaving messages). We finally talked a couple of nights ago and are, supposedly, going to lunch this week. The second conversation wasn't as impressive as the first. I like quirky men- I'd even say I'm attracted to a certain amount of quirkiness- but there is quirky/endearing and quirky/annoying. I'm not sure which he's going to fit into. Lunch will be interesting.

I'm looking forward to date three. He's actually the only guy I've initiated conversation with online. I just sent a flirt (I know, I hate when guys do that, but it worked). We've emailed a number of times and he asked for my number to get together this weekend. He's a triathlete, pretty cute from his photos, and has a nice humor that comes across in his emails. Well see...

So that is three dates, one from each of the sites I'm on. I think that is interesting. With all my judging of which site is best, they've all yielded a date in about the same amount of time.

On LDS Promise- I finally heard back from that guy I've dated before. He just thanked me for the compliments, returned them very kindly and continued with a regular email. I don't get it. His emails make me think he's interested in continuing communication but he doesn't seem too keen on going out. Whatever. I do think he is a nice, quality person. I don't think I have to date everyone that I'm drawn to. Sometimes the attraction means different things. So I guess I'll be OK being email buddies for a while.

Funnily enough (is funnily a word) I got sent a match of another guy I have a little history with. I met him online last fall. He called once, then nothing happened. I wasn't sure what to do with the match so I just let it sit. He initiated the normal process- sending prewritten questions by the dating site. I'm not sure if he remembers me or not. I would think that if he did, he would have just sent a message. Do I put a little personal note in one of my responses? Or just go through the process and see what happens? I've just left it hanging out there without a response for a few days. I'm not too motivated to proceed, but I probably will get to it eventually.

So there it is. I'm actually quite pleased with how it's gone so far which I guess is just one good date. But I'll take it!! :)

10 Things about Kris

1. I love to travel and experience new things, people and places.
2. My new hobbies are tennis and cycling; I do one, or sometimes both, almost every day.
3. I didn't get my first kiss until I was 18.
4. I love living near my family and try my best to maintain "favorite aunt" status.
5. I love the extremes of living in Utah- love the really cold and really hot, and that within minutes you can be in the mountains then out in the surreal landscape of the salt flats, not to mention all that great red rock just a few hours away.
6. I enjoy living alone (but would gladly give it up for the right person) :)
7. For the past 20 years, I've studied/contemplated what happiness is. Being happy is a priority in my life and I think I usually achieve that.
8. I feel like a loser if I don't have plans Friday and Saturday nights- although I tend to really enjoy it when I happen to get a night to myself.
9. I avoid high-drama relationships. (can't we all just get along??)
10. I can tap dance.

ten things about me (marcia)

An interesting thing about this blog is we (the contributing writers) don't really know each other. I think Kris knows or has met everyone now, but I don't know Leah, Bridget or Marnie. We just have the commonality of writing...as well as that single Mormon thing. Anyway, Kris and I thought it might be fun to write a bit about ourselves so here are ten things about me. Kris, Marnie, Bridget and Leah, over to you...

1. I have an amazing family and some of the best friends in the world.
2. My favorite vacations are camping/waterskiing, houseboating/waterskiing or just waterskiing. I love to camp, backpack and sleep outdoors.
3. I’ve been going to Peru every six months to visit and work with the kids at the Sunflower Orphanage. www.sxhu.org
4. I recycle, conserve, and try to buy organic.
5. I always eat my French fries before my burger.
6. I love to wear skirts in the summer, but I’m a fleece-wearing tom-boy at heart.
7. I am freakishly good at doing jigsaw puzzles.
8. I wish I could bring an end to poverty, hunger and pain.
9. I would love to be married with children.
10. I love being single.