Right now I am home sick from work and I'm watching a show about single moms
dating. The premise of the show is watching Single Moms that are looking for love,
get to know various matches they've received from the producers of the show. I'm
watching them frolic on the beach, and sharing fruity wines and make smore's with
eachother. Watching these women date on this show is definitely fun, I'm really
having a good time. It's only when I'm dating that the stress and anxiety turn up,
and invariably, before the frolicking fun comes the finding. On my mission, the finding part was the most anxiety provoking as well, the knocking on the doors and the stopping people as they're walking by in the city center...true to form, i attended a Singles Conference dance this last weekend, and it literally freaked me out. I went into extreme overload. I went with my lovely friend Violet, who is actually from the area that was putting it on. Bless her heart,i suspect she went to the dance to support me, she was very tired after a long week, and may have gone only after picking up on the "deer in headlights" qualities of my emails regarding the pending conference. I knew in my heart that if Violet didn't go, I would not have the courage to go alone.
I have pinned two factors as the primary reasons for this lacklustre experience I had at the conference. I had had a conversation with GSE the weekend before and we were trying to figure out a time to get together. Our schedules have not coincided in the last few months. He asked me what I was doing that Friday because he finally had a night free. I thought about it and then realized I was going to this singles conference. I told him I was going to this conference and both of us were disappointed. The more i thought about it, I thought,would I rather be with GSE that I knew we had great chemistry,would have a great time, and we could have a romantic dinner and get caught up. This desire to be with GSE that night instead of at the conference became a realization that I would rather be with him than with anyone else. And then it became this tug of war in my heart and mind, have GSE over to dinner and stay in the past,entertaining something that has proved to be hurtful in the past, and still playing into the delusions that it could finally be something more, or going to the conference and in my mind,saying hello to the future and looking to new experiences. I put all of this pressure on myself, convincing myself that the outcome of my life could be drastically changed with either choice.(why do i do this to myself?) Because i chose the conference after all, it put pressure on the conference to be worthy of "missing out" on a great time with GSE (twisted, i know) Pressure is the first factor, and the second is high expectations. For me confidence has always been an issue, and because of this I am either seeing myself as completely unworthy of love and attention or seeing myself as a gorgeous blonde vixen that men will not be able to resist. Neither of these views are true, and both can bring disappointment..because, this blonde vixen was in fact resisted at this conference. I suspect the reason I was so resistable is that I was so darn uncomfortable about being there. The happy medium that I would like to find is that I am worthy and beautiful...nothing more, nothing less.
Over all, I was very discouraged when I left the conference because I felt like a complete outsider and was not at all able to see how I was going to meet someone if my social anxiety issues kept me from even being a part of the game. After thought and prayer, I have come (again) to the conclusion that the Lord is in charge. All i have to do is at least try, keep Him in my life,and He will take care of the rest.He knows my weaknesses, he works with them. He loves me in spite of them. My need to control, and the belief that I am on my own in this, is what brings most of my grief. One of my favorite scriptures is from the LDS Doctrine and Covenants which is a book of revelations we believe Joseph Smith received, and it has given me great strength and comfort at the times I've needed it "Therefore, dearly beloved brethren (and sisters) let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we STAND STILL, with the UTMOST ASSURANCE, to see the salvation of God, and for HIS ARM to be revealed"
Although I probably will not be going to another singles conference in the near future...i know when to call it a day.