So, i've sort of had blogger's block. I have been on a couple of dates, but honestly have felt shy about sharing the details...you know you have intimacy issues when you're timid about sharing information on an anonymous blog. Although the dates didn't move me to write, an afternoon out with a dear friend of mine did. This dear friend is one of those women that other women wish they could be like. She is fearless in trying new things, accomplished in her career, has travelled the world and is a kind and generous friend to many. She has always been an active member of the LDS church and has a strong testimony of the importance of the gospel of Jesus Christ. She has been an example to me at times in my life where I didn't have any others. We met fifteen years ago and have been close friends ever since, our friendship is one of those that started before this life I am convinced. We were destined to meet, and many times I have felt the power in the sisterhood I feel with her.
Every single woman over 30 I know has had to develop the ability to focus on something other than her desire to be married, because it can be an all encompassing desire, and left unchecked can be accompanied with loss and frustration. I can look back at times in my life where the desire was so intense that all I could think of was to back away from those things that made the desire more poignant, unfortunately for me that meant backing away from spirituality and activity in my church. These things brought me happiness at times, but they also reminded me often of what I didn't have. Many other factors were involved of course in my inactivity, including a lot of pride and selfishness. I feel that the most important factor was my loss of hope. I could not see that the Lord would come through on what he had promised me. I was tired and felt stripped of all desire to go on the way He had asked me to. It actually took me years to come back to my spirituality and to acknowledge my deep beliefs again. My pathway was one of growth and experiences that I thought at the time were liberating,but ultimately ended with me on my knees, literally and figuratively. I had strayed to a path that could not harvest the hope needed to really achieve my dreams.
I'm sure we have all had those relationships that when they ended, our hope ended with them. A relationship that seemed to show us what we were capable of and how amazing a union could be, a dream realized, and then when it ended, seemed to pull that dream away from us,leaving us a crumpled heap on the floor.
Yesterday I felt very thankful that I am a single woman, and this doesn't happen very often. I was thankful to be in the place that I am because my best friend expressed to me that she has lost hope. She has put on a brave face for years, has always been such a strong woman, making lemons out of lemonade..and with the end of an all important relationship is left without hope. I felt very thankful that I was in a position to relate to her. to listen to her. To be quiet when she needed it and to tell her I understand at the times she needed it.
Life is cyclical. I regained hope at somepoint...and although I don't have it at all times I have more than I have ever had in my life. I said a silent prayer to Heavenly Father, in thanks, that I was able to have a little bit to share with my friend, even though she is so far from feeling it right now. I actually felt that I was exactly in the right place at the right time, with the exactly right marriage status. If I had been married at 23 I may not have been able to relate to the sadness and sheer hopelessness of my friend of 15 years.
I am so thankful for the passage of time. For the good Lord who knows us and loves us. For the guidance that is available if we just request it. I love my friend. She will have everything she has been promised. I feel the hope for her, and when she is ready I know she will find it again.