Guest Post from Scout

I first read To Kill a Mockingbird when I was in eighth grade. I remember feeling such longing to be like Scout, who never cared what anyone thought of her. So while writing for this blog, I would like to be called Scout, if only to encompass a little of her bravery and boldness.

I had a normal childhood growing up. I was born and raised in the LDS church, and from a very young age, was taught that marriage, eternal marriage in particular, should be one of the top priorities in your life. My parents have a fantastic marriage, one that I aspire to have someday.

I knew from a very young age that I did not want to be a full-time stay at home mother. I’ve had the same career aspirations since the age of five, and I’ve never wavered in knowing what I’ve wanted to do with my life. Go to college, get married sometime in college, go to graduate school, have children, have a successful career, live happily ever after, etc… I’m one of those people that love to have everything planned. I had a perfect plan of how my life would end up.

However, sometimes life does not go according to plan. Sure, I went to college. I finished with my Bachelor’s degree still single but loving life. I’m now in graduate school, currently living on an island in the Caribbean. Sounds idyllic, right? It is, most of the time. It has done nothing for my dating life though.

The church on the island is a small branch of about sixty people. It’s small but strong and growing. For the first few years, I was the only single LDS person to be found on the island. I would return home to Utah every four months to see family and friends, who would take it upon themselves to set me up as much as possible in the few weeks that I was home.

Then things took a turn for the interesting. One Sunday morning after shooing out the local goats from eating and destroying our supply of mangoes in the church’s garden, I hurried into sacrament meeting. I was hot. I was humid. I was crabby from having to chase out the obstinate goats. So I sat in the back of our small chapel, and what do I behold, an LDS man who looked to be around my age. To top it all off, I also learned that he was single.

Now, most people would say that I was drawn to him just because he was the only man that I should date because he was my same faith, and I would have to say that’s false. Something intangible drew me to him from the moment I met him. Almost like a string was attached to my heart from the very beginning, and he held that string. He started at the same graduate school that I was attending, and we began to spend quite a bit of time together. Heck, we even went grocery shopping together. He had all the qualities that I was looking for in a future spouse, yet he came in a completely different package than I had always pictured. He had a beard and looked unkept most of the time. He had these sandals that were so old they were practically falling off his feet.

Yet I was falling fast and dangerously hard for this boy. We never defined our relationship and where it was going, and in the beginning, I loved being with him so much that I was fine with that. But, as girls tend to do, I started to analyze things. Where was this relationship going? How did he feel about me? Where did he see this relationship going? All the typical questions we start fearing in new relationships.

Months went by and these questions still were not getting answered. I didn’t ask them out loud, but I thought they would come up in our conversations. They never did. So finally I’d had enough. I’d had enough of the mind games and endless analyzing. I had to know how he felt about me.

You know those moments, the ones that mark your life? Those moments where you feel like nothing will ever be the same after it? The night that I decided to tell him exactly how I felt was one of those moments. I remember standing outside his house, willing my shaking body to knock on his door. Never in all my life had I felt such anxiety and fear yet also felt so much hope. I had my whole life in front of me, and here I was taking risks to achieve what I really wanted! Because honestly, all I wanted was him.

So I knocked on his door. He was confused to see me at such a late hour, but he looked pleased to see me. I told him how I felt about him, how I wanted us to be together. I told him everything that was in my heart. He told me he didn’t feel the same way. He said maybe he could feel that way in the future, but now at this point in his life, he said he couldn’t. I left his house that night, heartbroken and forever changed.

Isn’t that what life is about though? Going through trials, heartbreaks, and tribulation so that we can be changed? It alters our life so that we can progress to where we are supposed to be. I’m not going to tell you that I wish he hadn’t felt differently. Of course I wanted him to kiss me that night and, just like the movies have all taught us, we live happily ever after. But that’s life for you. Sometimes we do not get what we want at the time we think we deserve it. Our timetable for our life does not match our Heavenly Father’s timetable for our life sometimes.

I was devastated by this man’s response. I felt like I was not good enough for him. A few days after this transpired, I read a quote from President Uchtdorf that said “No matter how insignificant you may feel, no matter how overshadowed you think you may be, your Heavenly Father has not forgotten you.” Don’t you love how you receive inspiration from the scriptures or from our beloved church leaders just when you need it? No matter what we are going through in our lives, whether it is big or small, our Heavenly Father is ALWAYS there to comfort us when we are in need of comfort. He gives us these trials not because He does not love us, but to strengthen us.

I don’t know if my story is done with this man. Part of me feels like it’s not over between us, like something else will transpire. Either way, I know in the time since we parted ways, I have felt my Savior’s love more acutely than ever before. I think that when life or people break our hearts, break them completely open to where you feel like you can’t withstand the pain, that is when the Savior rushes in. He fills your heart with such love that, in time, it begins to mend itself back together. That’s what gives me the undying hope that I will love again.

With this ring..(Stella)

Well friends, it's finally happened. I am engaged! I am excited, and nervous, and can't hardly keep a thought in my head for longer then a few seconds but I wanted to take the time to write what I suppose will be my final blog post.  I wanted to take a few minutes and ponder what these changes in my life mean and the lessons that I never want to forget.  If ever there comes a day I forget to be grateful I want a place to remember.

Things I did right:

• Take the opportunities to explore every dream, every idea, every opportunity.  Once you marry those singular choices come to a screeching halt.   I will forever be grateful that I took the opportunities I was given to finish my education, travel the world, and make mistakes that no one but me knows about.
• Be faithful.  I know the only thing that has kept me sane, and happy (even when I felt miserable) was the gospel.  Cling to it. Make it your best friend.  You are NOT alone.
• When you fall down, get back up.  Let your mistakes go and make tomorrow better.
• Never regret the people that you've loved.  Even if they've broken your heart, turned their back on you, or treated you poorly - never regret the love and kindness you gave them.
• Have good friends.  Wherever you can find them.  When your family doesn't understand, when you feel alone in your ward, when you just need a shoulder to lean on - I know that unequivocally the friends that I have made (though they were all married, stay at home mom's and I thought they could never understand) have been my greatest champions, my greatest supports, and are now my biggest cheering section.

Things I could have done much better:

• I wish that I had found a way not to be so angry.  Anger is a wasted emotion but it was part of my process I suppose.  Feeling anger that deep makes my joy that much bigger but it made my sorrow that much darker.
• I wish I had found a way to let myself dream.  I worked so hard at convincing myself that this would never happen that even as I stare at the ring on my finger I struggle to believe.
• Not worried so much.  I couldn't rush today anymore then I could pick up a car and throw it.  My faith wasn't strong enough to let this worry go but things would have been a lot easier if it had been.
• Paid attention to red flags in relationships instead of trying to rationalize them away.  Heavenly Father will guide us if we will just listen.
• Trust Heavenly Father.  Trust Him. Trust Him. Trust Him.

Thank you dear friends for your words of kindness and support when my grief and struggle became bigger then what I could contain within myself.  I pray that your righteous desires are brought to you as quickly as possible and that you have the strength to endure until that day.

Thank you to the original Talking Walls girls - you have blessed more of us then you know. 

Thank you Heavenly Father for not melting me down for parts years ago.

In closing I would like to say:

May the force be with you.

May the odds be ever in your favor.

And most importantly...

God be with you 'til we meet again...

Love, Stella

Okay, Universe, It's Your Turn (Anne)

My sister moved to a far-off land, and I want to visit her and her adorable family. But to do so requires a passport.

Can you believe I am as old as I am and don't have a passport? Since I served a mission in Canada pre-9/11, all I needed for a visa was my birth certificate. And it's not like I'm swimming in money to travel whenever I'd like, and I didn't want to go traipsing all over the world by myself.

But yesterday, I gathered all the required paperwork, paid the fees, and in 4-6 weeks I will have a passport. As I left the Post Office, I thought to myself why I had waited so long to get a passport, and though not the sole reason, one reason was that I kept expecting a different last name.

It's the same reason why I never had my scriptures engraved--when I bought my post-mission set, I was dating someone, then someone else, and then I figured I'd just wait.

(And yes, the feminist in me kinda cringes as I admit this to the world, but it's somewhat safe with the pseudonym and all.)

So, Universe, my passport application is on its way to the State Department. Is this passport gonna last me 10 years? Or will I have just paid $135 only to have to get a new one in the next year or two?

Your move.

High School Musical (Anne)

***Really hoping this post doesn’t completely reveal my identity***

I teach at a public high school, and every so often I’m asked to help out with playing the piano. I should have said no this year, as the demands of my teaching and grading load are so great that some days I wonder how I’m managing to get out of bed in the morning. But I said yes, mostly because my friend is the pit conductor, and because I love performing, and because any chance to sharpen my piano skills is something good for me.

But I wish we were doing a different musical.

We’re doing “Once On This Island,” the tale of a girl who prays to the gods to show her what her life should be like. And when a storm causes a cute boy to crash his car right outside the young girl’s village, she takes it as a sign that she is to be his keeper, protector, and lover.

What she doesn’t realize is that love (but really, it's more like obsession--think Ariel/Eric from The Little Mermaid) doesn’t really get her all that far, as the cute boy is engaged to a suitable girl within his social class. He invites the protagonist to remain his mistress, but he cannot marry her. She cannot abide his offer, thinking that her love for him will eventually overcome the social pressures.

I’m not going to spoil it, but it doesn’t end well.

As we’ve been in tech rehearsals all week and I’ve had to play the show several times, I’m often reminded of my own struggles. I’m no closer to any solutions for my concerns. But hearing lines like “Some girls you marry, some you love” over and over is wreaking a little bit of havoc on my self-esteem, my emotional well-being, and my faith.

I’m trying to have faith, trying to believe, trying to live a good life, all the while hoping that one day I will be blessed with a spouse. But does there ever come a point where hope becomes desperation? Where hope becomes pathetic? I honestly don’t know--or is my constant hope just a manifestation of my faith that even if I have to wait until I am 60, I will meet a sweet, funny, loving man who will forgive all my faults and physical shortcomings and love me?

(Though at 60, I’m hoping the men are a little less picky about height, weight, and overall beauty.)

I don’t know what the answer is.

But I’ve learned one thing from this year’s musical: if I’m asked to play again, I’ll wait to say yes until I’ve read the show.

Chemistry and Timing (Anne)

On tonight's season premiere of “How I Met Your Mother,” the ever-hopeful Ted arrives at the frightening realization that he no longer has hope. Talking to his friend Robin, Ted grapples with the reality that all of his high school friends are married and have families, and he doesn't.

He says, “I've stopped believing...not in a way I even noticed...every day I believe a little less, and a little less, and a little less, and that sucks.”

The advice Robin gives? To believe again. And not to believe in destiny, but to believe in chemistry. She says, “If you have chemistry, you only need one other thing. Timing.”

And, she continues, “But timing's a...”

Well, this is a Mormon blog, so I'm going to leave out the expletive, but you get the point.

And then I started thinking about how mopey I've been lately. Just this morning, as I once again wished for the boy to call or text, I thought, “Would he even want to be with me again, seeing me like this?”

Probably not.

I lack chemistry right now. That spark, that flirtatiousness that makes people want to be around me. Heck, I don't even want to be around me some days lately. I need that chemistry back, and I do see flickers of it a couple of times a week, so I just need to fan it and stoke it a little, until it's back completely.

And then, it's timing. Timing sucks. Timing is the sole reason why I'm dealing with a breakup in the first place. The timing was not right for us. And there's not a lot I can do about timing, other than read conference talks about patience and re-read Captain Wentworth's letter in Persuasion. Talk about timing—that letter is all about timing.

One element in my control, one element in God's hands. I'm guessing if I expect God to come through on his part, I should be a little more active in doing something about mine.

Pity party over.

I'm out to find some kindling.

Dreams (Stella)

Today is a special day. A day for reflection and evaluation. A day to remember our blessings and spend time with our loved ones. Today I pause to remember all the things this day means to me and I imagine to all of us. I remember those whose mortal journey ended 10 years ago and my heart goes out to their families and loved ones. Not only is it the day that changed our country forever but it is also my birthday. My birthday is an insignificant part of this post but I throw it in there because as I add another year to my time on the earth I ponder my life and pose a question.

I pause to remember that one of the ways we honor those whose sacrifice allow us to continue on is to in fact - continue on. I'm wondering if any of you have found yourself either now or in the past where I now find myself. Think back to that day you graduated from high school. Maybe it was 5, 10, 20, 25 or more years ago. Think about all of the dreams you had for yourself - where you would go, what you would do, see, experience. How many of those dreams have been realized?

I'm grateful to say that I set some big dreams for myself and was raised to believe that I could and would accomplish them all if I worked hard enough. Though it took me a while and wasn't easy, I'm happy to say that I've accomplished every single one that I had for myself except one. I've finished my education, traveled the world, am well ensconced in my career, bought a little house with 2 recliner chairs and a big TV just like I imagined as a teenager dreaming of her own space and through it all have become someone I really like.

In spite of these blessings however, I have one dream that for the foreseeable future remains out of my grasp. Unfortunately attached to this one dream are countless others that would take me through old age and without the first one happening the others are like fine mist that get dimmer and dimmer as the years go on. It seems to me that if I'm going to make it to my next birthday without going completely crazy I need some new dreams.

What are your dreams? Maybe I could borrow one for a little while until I find some of my own. Please keep in mind that I'm a bit fearless - I'll jump out of it, off of it, or on to it. I'll save for years to get there, give up sleep to accomplish it, and anything short of sacrificing my moral or value system will give all to attain it. I only speak English fluently but have never let that stop me and thanks to an impulsive personality will only think it through after I've already done it.

I'm looking to find something to wake up for - that sounds pathetic and a wee bit sad but it is what it is. When you choose to live life only for yourself life is pretty meaningless but when you live life for yourself because you haven't been given any other choices it's down right painful. I spend my life serving others - every single day I help and love and lift and support. While that keeps me going and blesses my life in countless ways I still go home each night to an empty house and an emptier heart. I want to rediscover the girl I used to be who was hopefully waiting & diligently searching for her sweetheart while tearing up the world around her and I think a new dream or two is just what the doctor ordered.

Hope(Bridget)

So, i've sort of had blogger's block. I have been on a couple of dates, but honestly have felt shy about sharing the details...you know you have intimacy issues when you're timid about sharing information on an anonymous blog. Although the dates didn't move me to write, an afternoon out with a dear friend of mine did. This dear friend is one of those women that other women wish they could be like. She is fearless in trying new things, accomplished in her career, has travelled the world and is a kind and generous friend to many. She has always been an active member of the LDS church and has a strong testimony of the importance of the gospel of Jesus Christ. She has been an example to me at times in my life where I didn't have any others. We met fifteen years ago and have been close friends ever since, our friendship is one of those that started before this life I am convinced. We were destined to meet, and many times I have felt the power in the sisterhood I feel with her.


Every single woman over 30 I know has had to develop the ability to focus on something other than her desire to be married, because it can be an all encompassing desire, and left unchecked can be accompanied with loss and frustration. I can look back at times in my life where the desire was so intense that all I could think of was to back away from those things that made the desire more poignant, unfortunately for me that meant backing away from spirituality and activity in my church. These things brought me happiness at times, but they also reminded me often of what I didn't have. Many other factors were involved of course in my inactivity, including a lot of pride and selfishness. I feel that the most important factor was my loss of hope. I could not see that the Lord would come through on what he had promised me. I was tired and felt stripped of all desire to go on the way He had asked me to. It actually took me years to come back to my spirituality and to acknowledge my deep beliefs again. My pathway was one of growth and experiences that I thought at the time were liberating,but ultimately ended with me on my knees, literally and figuratively. I had strayed to a path that could not harvest the hope needed to really achieve my dreams.


I'm sure we have all had those relationships that when they ended, our hope ended with them. A relationship that seemed to show us what we were capable of and how amazing a union could be, a dream realized, and then when it ended, seemed to pull that dream away from us,leaving us a crumpled heap on the floor.
Yesterday I felt very thankful that I am a single woman, and this doesn't happen very often. I was thankful to be in the place that I am because my best friend expressed to me that she has lost hope. She has put on a brave face for years, has always been such a strong woman, making lemons out of lemonade..and with the end of an all important relationship is left without hope. I felt very thankful that I was in a position to relate to her. to listen to her. To be quiet when she needed it and to tell her I understand at the times she needed it.


Life is cyclical. I regained hope at somepoint...and although I don't have it at all times I have more than I have ever had in my life. I said a silent prayer to Heavenly Father, in thanks, that I was able to have a little bit to share with my friend, even though she is so far from feeling it right now. I actually felt that I was exactly in the right place at the right time, with the exactly right marriage status. If I had been married at 23 I may not have been able to relate to the sadness and sheer hopelessness of my friend of 15 years.


I am so thankful for the passage of time. For the good Lord who knows us and loves us. For the guidance that is available if we just request it. I love my friend. She will have everything she has been promised. I feel the hope for her, and when she is ready I know she will find it again.