Dream A Little Dream...

I am one of those kooky romantic types who thinks dreams actually speak to me and teach me something new. I remember my dreams, often in vivid detail, and can usually find symbolism or at least explanation for the dreams I have.

About five years ago, for one week, I had the exact same dream. I can still remember snippets of it now. I was being chased. I was with someone I loved—though I don't remember who. And I was carrying a bouquet of red balloons. We were making our way through a train station, and every night, we were caught, and I would wake up right as our chasers, guns drawn, found us in a baggage car.

By the sixth night of this dream, I was afraid to go to sleep. But I eventually fell asleep, and the dream started again. Same sequence. We got to the train station, and a thought came to me:

“If you want a different outcome, you must let go of the balloons.”

But the balloons apparently were important to me, because I was hesitant to let them go. I ran a few more steps, looked up at the balloons, and then let them go. My loved one and I managed to escape with ease, and I haven't had that dream since.

So why I am telling you about a five year-old dream? Because while at the time, that dream taught me something important about my professional life, I find myself thinking about it now as I am once again navigating the waters of relationships. I struggle to make different emotional choices than I've made in the past, citing all the failed relationships as reasons why I need to maintain a brick wall around my heart, or why I can't trust him.

But, as the saying goes, “if you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten.”

Or something like that.

I have to let go of my bouquet of red balloons of damaged relationships, and take the chance that he isn't like the others. And sure, he could turn out to be like the others, but a certain path to that outcome is to make the same choices I always have.

It might be time to choose a different outcome.

Agency (Leah)

Marnie's post got me thinking about some of my past break-ups. One in particular, about 6 years ago, taught me to appreciate agency. He was a big fan of it. His father was not a member of the church, and despite both sons going on a mission and the family being active for 20 years, the father continued to choose to not be baptised. As a son he learned to respect his father's decision and not take it personally. When this same guy chose to not commit to me I was sad for months. I held on thinking/hoping he'd change his mind. He got married to someone else about a year later, but it took some serious self asserting action on my part to get over him. I had relied on him in many ways, and couldn't imagine not telling him everything that passed through my heart and mind. That dependence on him lasted about 5 months after our breakup. One fast Sunday I was reading a newspaper article about getting your children off TV. I realized that one reason I fast is to give me a healthier appreciation for food. To gain a healther perspective on TV the article suggested going on a fast. I realized that I needed to get off my dependence of this guy so I made myself go on a fast. I started treating him with the cordial (warm but not too warm) affection of an acquaintance. This was a really hard adjustment for me. Actually, first I went on a total fast for a week where I didn't speak to him at all. Then I was able to have a more balanced relationship. I tried this with the last Phil I dated and it really helped me get over him. Anyway, that's another lesson in dating I learned.

What I really wanted to share was the lesson I learned about agency. Since this guy exercised his agency by not dating me I did some major pondering. I realized that the greatest gift God has given us is our agency. We can choose to be a part of His family or not. We can choose to have access to His power or not. We can choose to be happy. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to not be a victim (had done that plenty of times in the past and there's no point in going there again). So I decided to do what he was doing. I decided to use my agency. I began on a daily basis to choose to have a full and meaningful life. I examined all the things in my past that had given me meaning and happiness. I tried to fill my life with more of that - basically doing things that were challenging and self affirming. I chose to not take the break-up as a personal insult. I chose to see it as him doing what felt right for him, just as I have to choose what feels right to me. If I want my agency I need to allow others to have theirs. I chose to refocus my relationship with him and find balance. I chose to tell myself that there was at least one great man out there that would love my quirks and love to be loved by me, and I would meet him some day. If this were testimony meeting I'd bear my testimony about the gift of agency. This is a power beyond belief. I will always love that guy and cherish our time togther for the lesson he taught me about agency. I even wrote a long series of poems that were inspired by that relationship. Maybe some day I'll post them here!

Painful Lesson (Leah)

Okay, so as I mentioned in my last post, I told Old-Phil no for good. It broke my heart. Really really really - it hurt bad. What hurt was how offended he was when I told him it wasn't a good time for me emotionally to date him again. I was more comfortable with the status of friends that we've been the last 6 months - you know, after he told me that he wasn't ready to date me exclusively, and that maybe we should take a break, and that he was dating someone else. Yes - that hurt a lot too - but I accepted it as his right to choose for himself. I came to terms with the hurt and realized that he wasn't hurting me personally - he was just choosing something else that brought him happiness. Since I loved him I wanted him to be happy so I got myself to an emotional state where I was happy for him living his life separate from me. I came to the understanding that I can love someone but not necessarily marry them - I have lots of friends that I love. I respected his decision and supported him the best I could. So... when I told him I wasn't emotionally ready to go back to dating him I thought he could respect that. I thought he could understand a person's right to choose and a person's right to be in a different place emotionally. I was wrong. So now what really hurts me isn't that he and I will never be together for forever, or that we'll never even be friends now, what hurts is that he's going away from our relationship in pain himself. But then I have to tell myself to stop being so self centered. He is again choosing to feel something - an emotion of his own choosing - who am I to tell him how he should feel? If he wants to hurt and be in pain I should honor his choice and give him his space and not take on any responsibility. I told him as kindly and gently as possible that I wasn't ready. What he does with that information is his right. He has his agency. Only Satan believes in taking away agency. Only Satan wants us to feel guilt and misery. Boy, this dating thing is hard every which way you turn. Oh, and by the way, did I mention - I don't want to ever again be involved with a man who pouts and blames and complains and doesn't know how to do any self reflection?