With this ring..(Stella)

Well friends, it's finally happened. I am engaged! I am excited, and nervous, and can't hardly keep a thought in my head for longer then a few seconds but I wanted to take the time to write what I suppose will be my final blog post.  I wanted to take a few minutes and ponder what these changes in my life mean and the lessons that I never want to forget.  If ever there comes a day I forget to be grateful I want a place to remember.

Things I did right:

• Take the opportunities to explore every dream, every idea, every opportunity.  Once you marry those singular choices come to a screeching halt.   I will forever be grateful that I took the opportunities I was given to finish my education, travel the world, and make mistakes that no one but me knows about.
• Be faithful.  I know the only thing that has kept me sane, and happy (even when I felt miserable) was the gospel.  Cling to it. Make it your best friend.  You are NOT alone.
• When you fall down, get back up.  Let your mistakes go and make tomorrow better.
• Never regret the people that you've loved.  Even if they've broken your heart, turned their back on you, or treated you poorly - never regret the love and kindness you gave them.
• Have good friends.  Wherever you can find them.  When your family doesn't understand, when you feel alone in your ward, when you just need a shoulder to lean on - I know that unequivocally the friends that I have made (though they were all married, stay at home mom's and I thought they could never understand) have been my greatest champions, my greatest supports, and are now my biggest cheering section.

Things I could have done much better:

• I wish that I had found a way not to be so angry.  Anger is a wasted emotion but it was part of my process I suppose.  Feeling anger that deep makes my joy that much bigger but it made my sorrow that much darker.
• I wish I had found a way to let myself dream.  I worked so hard at convincing myself that this would never happen that even as I stare at the ring on my finger I struggle to believe.
• Not worried so much.  I couldn't rush today anymore then I could pick up a car and throw it.  My faith wasn't strong enough to let this worry go but things would have been a lot easier if it had been.
• Paid attention to red flags in relationships instead of trying to rationalize them away.  Heavenly Father will guide us if we will just listen.
• Trust Heavenly Father.  Trust Him. Trust Him. Trust Him.

Thank you dear friends for your words of kindness and support when my grief and struggle became bigger then what I could contain within myself.  I pray that your righteous desires are brought to you as quickly as possible and that you have the strength to endure until that day.

Thank you to the original Talking Walls girls - you have blessed more of us then you know. 

Thank you Heavenly Father for not melting me down for parts years ago.

In closing I would like to say:

May the force be with you.

May the odds be ever in your favor.

And most importantly...

God be with you 'til we meet again...

Love, Stella

From Where I Sit (Stella)

I have a new, dear friend that has been kind enough to entertain some of my questions about dating from the male perspective. He's unbelievably patient with me and so far hasn't taken offense to anything I've asked which has endeared him to me forever. The following post is a slightly edited version of my response to my friend and be advised it's written with a great deal of passion and (I'm honest enough to admit) years of hurt feelings and disappointments. It is in no way intended to be a man bash or an invitation to tear our brothers apart but an honest out-pouring of one woman's heart.

The question I posed was: At what point is it okay to start looking outside the church for marriage opportunities? The answer (in a nutshell) I received: Never. You never give up hope and you never accept anything less. Be patient and have faith in the Lord.
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As a woman I am promised that I will have the opportunity for an eternal marriage if I live worthily of it in this life. I will receive it in this life or the next and "it mattereth not." Men do not have that same promise...(well not quite anyway) but are charged with the responsibility of preparing themselves through education and gospel pursuits and then going out and finding a wife while they are young(ish.) If through no fault of their own and despite their best efforts that blessing doesn't come then of course they have the same promise that we women do. That said I just flat out do not believe that any man who wants a marriage can't find it (please see disclaimer below.) Of course I've never been a man so I can't say that conclusively but I do know girls and lots of really good ones who will/have/do love men of all types, backgrounds, physicality, abilities etc.

Disclaimer: I have also known plenty of nightmares who have pummelled good men with their lies, selfishness and absolute lack of gratitude for the blessing of the good man by their sides. But this isn't about those girls - it's about the ones like myself and my fellow contributers to this blog. Good, loving, beautiful, faithful women who quite frankly deserve someone equally wonderful and who get pummelled themselves.

If you have not yet read A Single Voice by Kristen Oaks you need to. Run, do not walk to your local Deseret Book or computer and order it today. While discussing the importance of keeping our standards high Sister Oaks states something to the effect of "Men are not being who they are supposed to be." This is not said in a disparaging way and it is not said in a hateful way. It is stated as a fact of her experience and by so doing has validated mine. For any who may be offended by such a bold statement I ask you to reflect on the efforts of dear President Monson and the men and women who lead with him. Their gentle begging of single men to make something of themselves, get married, and start families (while promising them happiness and eternal joy) simultaneously brings tears of sorrow to my eyes and makes my Irish blood boil. What can I say? I'm a complicated woman and while I can be compassionate I've also had quite enough.

So while I agree in being patient, while I agree in being faithful I must stomp my foot and say what have I been the last 20 years but faithful and patient? Despite having heartbreak and frustration and normal human desires I have not left the church, I have not sacrificed my virtue (and not because I haven't wanted to,) I have not fallen away though many times I have given it thought. If I were to marry a man outside the church it would be with great care, prayer & fasting, priesthood blessings, and absolute confidence that I was not turning my back on the Lord's will for my life. I have absolute confidence that Heavenly Father would not leave me alone in that decision and if I felt the confirmation that it was okay I would move forward with all zealousness. So who is really being the faithless one? Who is really the one to lose their blessing? Me or the LDS men who have let me pass through their fingers? I declare emphatically it would not be me.

The Lord's will and counsel don't change. The scriptures are as true as the day they were given - I believe them with my whole heart. I know full well that eternal blessings only come through Temple ordinances and I know that we are to strive for Temple marriages. But I also believe that if I create a home with a man who loves and honors God and the Savior and loves and honors me then we will have an eternal marriage - in this life or the next. While I don't pretend to know what it would feel like to not share the Temple with my spouse or have him bless our babies, I did grow up in a home where my dad was a member and my mom wasn't. We had a wonderful, loving, faithful home and when the Lord's time came for our family to become eternal it did and always will be. Maybe I'm being naive, maybe today I'm just throwing a temper tantrum but my intention and my hope is that I'm being faithful. More then anything I hope I am pleasing the Lord in my quests and my pursuits. I would never choose an earthly family over an eternal one if I was offered both choices but at what point do I utilize that faith and belief that Heavenly Father will bless my life and my future family even if the opportunities brought to me are not in the package I expect?

And I must ask - am I really expected to live the next 1 minute - 60+ years lonely and miserable? Am I really to hold on to this painful hope that never seems to be realized? I have longed described this trial in my life as my version of Abraham sacrificing Isaac and while I have fought Heavenly Father and myself and prayed and begged and been sickened by the idea of earthly singleness I have, to the very best of my ability, offered my heart and my willingness to embrace this revolting idea if that is what the Lord wants. I have tried to walk up that mountain and raise that dagger in the form of focusing on work, family, friends, church, pursing so many degrees & opportunities the wall needs extra supports only to repeatedly find myself miserable and knowing that something huge is missing and I am not living the life I'm supposed to.

Now because as far as I can tell I have been (imperfectly of course) where I should have been, done what I should have done, accepted every date with every man who ever asked (unless I had good reason not to - i.e. safety.) I assume that I have done my part thus far. Because the desire and the hope and the never ending feeling & confirmation that it is the Lord's will that I am to be married and have a family I am lead to this...

If it is the Lord's will and it is my will - whose will is missing? I ask again - would a loving and just Heavenly Father withhold my eternal blessings or the one who has yet to show up?

Response (Marnie)

This post is in response to one of the comments to Stella’s Why Marriage Matters. I wasn't going to write one because it seemed silly to defend myself, but another reader asked us to comment. So this is mine.

First the comment from Jill:

"Just stumbled onto this blog and sorry, some of it is kind of scary. I come from a really stable Mormon home and I don't believe in spending copious amounts of time lamenting about being single. I get that you need to express yourself, but if you are still this depressed, it might not be working. I don't think you should give up, but maybe you need to focus on what is positive in your life and if there isn't much, maybe you need to make some changes. In my opinion, viewing everything as a "painful struggle" is reflective of a lack of faith in God's plan for you-not proof of some kind of superior insight or nobility. Life can be really beautiful and fun, regardless of your marital status. This wallowing in misery is not healthy.”

Marnie's Response:
Jill, this blog about being single - not about golf or movies or cooking. Our point is all about the struggles of dating and relationships of women over the age of 30. So to think we obsess about it non-stop is in complete error. I promise you I have a very full life filled with great things and OTHER problems - just like everyone else. But we don't share those things here.

I feel bad that you worry about our depression level. I assure you that we constantly look at the greatness in our lives and revel in it. And you'll see that in MANY of our posts. No one believes more than me that life is beautiful and fun! I’ve been on this earth 40 years and have seen and experienced so much, but it's unfair to look down on me just because I talk about my “painful struggles” here on this blog.

I will admit that at times the sadness from what I don't have can be overwhelming and makes it difficult to stay positive. And when I struggle, I like to share. I find other readers have related to my posts – as you so apparently haven’t. They have read that I am not perfect - that I do struggle with understanding for God’s plan for me. They have also seen me express how I have conquered tough situations and loneliness from a broken heart (several times now). I do not believe my posts have ever brought them down or encouraged depression as a way to deal with being single.

I do wholehearted apologize to you and anyone else that thinks I've written these posts to show how I’m superior or noble I am because I think my life is harder than others. I have never tried to write that way. I also do not look down on the lives of women that haven’t married or have I ever thought they're lives weren't full of amazing things. The truth is they have their lives and I have mine. I'm only worried about my own and I only write about my own.

Everyone has a trial that seems to stick by them for a very long time. I was sick for 5 years in my 20s before I fully recovered and it was a very difficult burden to bear. Being single after many efforts to be married is my current burden to bear. The point is we all have our trials that are supposed to bring us to our knees so we can pray to our Heavenly Father and Savior for help. And that help comes through the atonement of Christ and helps us heal and move on. And both experiences (and many others) have done that for me.

Have you ever had your heart broken, Jill? I have a hard time believing you have…otherwise you wouldn’t be so trite, condescending, and unsympathetic about our desire to obtain eternal marriage on this earth. You have misinterpreted our growth and search for understanding - although it hasn’t been pretty at times - as some sort of wallowing in misery. And you are completely wrong. I feel that if you really read our posts, it would be evident to you.

But that's ok...Good luck, Jill and all the best to you! No need to come back and visit - it’s obvious we have nothing for you.