Perspective (Leah)

I’ve really wanted to post something on here, but sometimes life gets so busy being lived it’s hard to find time to do much reflection. Or, as may be the case right now, sometimes the living and reflecting of life just gets so serious that it’s hard to find reflections fitting to share with the masses. This weekend, though, I had a lot of good bonding time with solid girl friends that helped bring some clarity to my thinking. Perspective seemed to be a running theme. Then this morning I was reading an email my brother sent to the family and I noticed a part of it could relate to my ideas of perspective. First let me share what he wrote. I’ll preface this to say he is a first year teacher. He has said that this is the hardest job he’s ever had. The teachers out there may enjoy his thoughts in relation to the profession; I did.

“I used my day off to outline some more chemistry. By the end of this year I will have essentially my own mini high school chemistry textbook. I’ve gotten less creative as the pressure of time has blown the petals off my week. Creativity is a time intensive product, which demands concentration and a lot of patience. ‘Patience is a virtue, catch it if you can. Seldom in a woman, never in a man.’ I’ve also started making mini-lectures online to accompany my mini-textbook. The problem is I don’t have all the necessary equipment to do the job that I want to do, so I have to settle for mediocrity and pray to Salieri for forgiveness (a reference for those who’ve seen Amadeus). I post my lectures on you-tube and use it as another tool to convince my students that it is their own fault that they are failing my class. I never realized how guilt-inducing a student’s failure is on a teacher. I’m trying everything I can to shake my clothes in front of them and not be lazy in my responsibility to teach. Nevertheless, the guilt still haunts me and I try to think of ways to reach them and motivate them. Pom-poms anyone?

“School starts tomorrow and it is a long stretch before our next break. I hope I can maintain the necessary patience to withstand the hurricane storm of complaints that my students launch at me daily. I’ve decided that they are going to have to write them down. My skin is too thin and my conscience too weak to stand up against the daily barrage of whining. It’s tiresome enough to teach and to think of creative ways of connecting the material with their life let alone to swallow the excuses that pile up at your feet. Every student must take chemistry to graduate. What percentage of students would you imagine are grateful to be struggling to learn chemistry? A new rule will be written on the board tomorrow, ‘All complaints and excuses will have to be written for them to be considered.’ Perhaps I will start a blog for that, for my students to post their complaints. I can respond to them at home, at a distance.”

So… how does this relate to a dating blog? I’ll tell you. I find that a lot of my peers and I complain. We complain about the clueless members of the opposite sex, married people, society that makes us feel second rate, pain of rejection, bad blind dates, petty and manipulative women, creepy old men, bitter old-maids, and judgmental twenty-somethings, whatever we can find we complain. Don’t get me wrong – the world is full of complainers – not just single people. I KNOW we’re not an exception in that regard. I just know what I hear and I hear complaining. One friend says she is concerned because she feels like a lot of people wind up cursing God in their frustration. Whatever it looks like or sounds like I think it’s easy to fall in the trap of self pity and negativity. When I read my brother’s woes it occurred to me that we’re all a bunch of “chemistry students” in the school of life. We’ve been required to take a class we really don’t enjoy. Instead of complaining about it and making our “teacher” miserable maybe we should all just suck it up and try to learn something.

Actually, that sounds a lot harsher than I intended. When I first decided to share my brother’s words I wanted to share the fact that I think God has probably bent over backwards trying to help us understand. He’s provided endless resources for us to find solutions to our problems. He is available at all times to answer our questions and He’s even paid the ultimate price to enable us to repent and progress despite our weaknesses and short comings. But like my brother’s students I think we are quicker to complain than we are to take advantage of God’s help. Maybe my brother needs to create a gratitude blog, instead of one for complaining, since after all, gratitude brings more happiness than complaining.

Hobbies

I try not to write about New Phil anymore, but I couldn’t resist. Last night we were talking about what makes each other happy. Well, actually, I was just questioning him. He seems to do a good job of making me happy so I wanted to know what I could do in return. He said he likes talking. Now how lucky am I? I once dated a guy who I must have felt smothered since he suggested I get a hobby. I told him people are my hobby and at the time he was the most interesting person I knew. Okay, maybe he was right, but really I do love people! I think since New Phil and I both love talking we get along pretty well. I call myself pretty lucky. Which reminds me of another story from my past that just cracks me up to this day. It was freshman year at the Y. My roommate was a bit sad that she didn’t date as much as she’d been promised. (Really who made up that stuff? I think I may still be a bit bitter myself!) So her mother advised her to get a hobby, and then suggested origami. I’ve never looked at origami the same. I’d also like to point out that of the six of us she was the first to marry. She never did learn origami either.

Taking Control (Leah)

I know that one of the concerns many of my girl friends have about dating is the aspect of control - or "who's got hand," as we sometimes say. As women we often feel at a disadvantage because of the traditional approach to dating where the woman has to wait for the guy to ask her out. We all know it's not quite as simple as that, but in our times of frustration we may over simplify it by blaming the man. As for "hand" I know women often try to keep it by putting a guy off just enough to keep him wanting - there are all kinds of theories and strategies related to that. Really I'm terrible at it all. I lack the grace of subtlety required to manage "hand" and I lack the confidence to even know if I have it or not. I know, however, that too many people tend to blame everything else (the world, the church, the friends, the exes, the family, whatever) for their lack of a relationship. Today I came across a quote, though, that fully expresses my attitude about that perspective. Forgive me if I get it a bit wrong: "If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door." I really believe it is every one's responsibility to find their own happiness, whether in a relationship or not, but stop finding blame outside of yourself.

Simple Things Make a Woman Happy (Leah)

Now that I know Bryan is relying on us for some female insight, I have a little something to share. In my last post I mentioned how Phil's spontaneity made me happy. Well, Phil did something else that I think every woman really loves. In fact, when I shared it with some girlfriends they all responded the same: "Oh, that's so sweet - exactly what a girl wants!" He called me Sunday night and asked if he could come over and visit. Yep - he just wanted to sit and visit, you know, being the Sabbath and all, that seemed like an appropriate thing to do. We did walk around the neighborhood a bit, but then had a great conversation about life and work and such. I enjoyed it. Not too long, but perfect for making a woman happy.

Predictability (Leah)

First - I'd like to say that the whole "anonymity" thing I take credit for - I for one didn't want to be linked in real life to these confessions - I'm already known for saying WAY too much. One of my goals is to be less vocal about my personal/dating life. I figured if I shared on here that would help satisfy the urge to "spill" and spare not only my friends an earful, but also spare the guy I dated a bit of over exposure.

Okay - so... on with my stories! Phil is a bit predictable. He's one of those guys that is super logical and methodical. He doesn't "get" art and music doesn't make him move - he said so himself. I could have guessed it. But he is kind. He is thoughtful. He does his duty. And, I love that he's a bit predictable. I like the security that comes from dating a guy that you know will ask you out regularly enough. I like knowing that even if he's not emailing, or calling to chat, or even hanging on my every word in person, he genuinely enjoys my company and is making an effort to date me.

He was out of town last weekend, but I saw him at Family Home Evening and he made an effort to sit and visit with me. I went home hoping that I'd hear from him later that night, but expecting that I'd hear from him on Tuesday night asking me out for this weekend. Luckily I'd managed to keep it open - yeah, not so hard now that I think about it. But he didn't call Tuesday night and I was a bit disappointed, but I figured he was the sort who might still ask me out on Wednesday - a lot of guys follow the rule that you can't ask out a woman after Wednesday. So, Wednesday night I went out shopping with the girlfriends and when I got home the phone was beeping indicating there was a message. Without looking at caller ID I knew it was him. I called him back like he asked me to on the message - luckily he'd indicated the time he'd go to bed so I knew I could still call - so polite! He hadn't perfectly finalized all the details yet, but he asked me out for Saturday night. And just like every date we've had previously, it involves some of his family members - this time his parents. (Dates involving family - another topic for discussion.)

While we were talking he told me how his aunt had asked him if we were still seeing each other. She told him that she thought I was the sort of person that just brings happiness wherever I go - we had met on our first date. She gave us cookies. I think she's the sort that brings happiness wherever she goes - but I was very grateful for the compliment and I was grateful that he shared it with me. I think he was saying that I make him happy. And I must say - that makes me very happy!