Aunt Bridget

I just got back from Christmas in the white wonderland of Salt Lake City, UT. Aunt Bridget was able to be with her nieces and nephew...oh yeah and her Mom and sisters for the holiday. The funnest thing I can think of is to be with my favorite 7 year,4 year, and 2 month old for Christmas,being with them reminds me how soft my heart is and how capable my heart is of completely surrendering to someone. It is a great thing to be reminded of. Painful too, though, when its time to go home. It is in those moments, when my four year old niece says to me, "..but Aunt Bridget, I'm going to MISS you, can't you just stay with US." And i think about it..and it seems like such a nice idea. To play Duck, Duck Goose, and Memory, and lay in bed together all the time. If life could only be this way forever. As I drove away from their house....being encapsulated by emotions....that I was chosen to be an aunt to these kids makes me feel many things, but above all gratitude. I think in many ways my life has become routine, in the emotions I feel, in the thoughts I think, and the thoughts I rethink. I go to work, go to school, go to church, have fun with friends, volunteer,perform my calling at church.. the feelings seem routine and expected. My visits with them save me with simplicity and the tenderness they offer..so foundational is the love that I feel for these kids, yet I am surprised and affected eact time I am with them, they remind me how fiercely I can love.....and how fiercely I can miss it when I get on a plane and come home to California.

You've Got Mail(Bridget)

So, when I was on my mission in England long time ago....one of the most exciting times of day was the time the post man came to drop off the mail. Then, the mail we received was representative of love and support from home, from family and friends, and perhaps even a connection to ourselves,our self we left back at home. Now, fifteen years later,I find myself going to my laptop to see what kind of emails I have received, with the same hope. Every morning and evening, wondering if perhaps my one and only has sent me an email, he noticed my profile, he thinks I'm beautiful, he relates to a lot of things I've said, and he lives within twenty miles away and would like to meet and get to know eachother...the rest is history, we marry, we have a baby or two ( at least one at this point would be so welcome)and we become best friends and lovers,our bond growing stronger and more magical every year. Not too much to ask for? I don't think so, and I'm willing to wait for the relationship that can foster this kind of bond. Do I think that this will come from online dating sites? I don't know. Many times I find myself wondering if the logging onto the computer,hoping for this life changing email is more of a hindrance than a help? Because, along with the hope, comes a little sting of disappointment when there is no email, or there is an email,but its absolutely positively not the man that is going to be my one and only. (Thanks for the interest though,i'm flattered) Sometimes I think it would be a lot healthier for me if I erased my profile and stopped the antics, which sometimes feel to me like little more than trying to control something that just isn't controllable...the timing of when I will be ready to welcome the love I want into my life. And when the man that is going to give it is ready to give it. I'm on the fence right now...I am almost ready to just stop the online madness and perhaps live my life with hope, but eliminate the stings of disappointment,because maybe the online stuff is more of an illusion..an illusion that I'm doing something, at least i'm out there in some sort of way...i don't know, I'm not sure...whether i'm online or not, I ultimately believe that when its right,its right...and it will manifest..any opinions?