So It Turns Out I'm Human.

A long time ago, I decided I would not allow myself to be emotionally manipulated by a man. I would not let him woo me with fancy words or romantic gestures, because I didn't want to deal with the inevitable opposite.

So when I let my guard down last spring and allowed a man to woo me with fancy words and romantic gestures, I would apologize every time I'd talk to my friends, because I was gushy and gooey and downright disgusting.

They kept telling me I was human.

And when he told me he needed to move on three weeks ago, I tried to be robotic, stone-faced. One day, I was with a friend and could not stop crying. I kept apologizing to her, saying that it had been a week, and I should be over it, and I had no right to still be upset.

She told me I was human.

I saw The Philadelphia Story last night with a friend, and the men in the film really work over Tracy Lord and her superwoman approach to keeping men at bay in the name of emotional preservation. At the end of the film, she realizes her steely exterior has actually drawn in a man with whom she has zero chemistry, a man who would not challenge her, a man who expected a neat, near-robotic, tidy wife instead of a nuanced and at times emotionally messy wife. She exclaims with great joy, “I'm human! I'm human!” before walking down the aisle to remarry her ex-husband.

I've seen The Philadelphia Story several times, but it was the first time that Tracy's discovery that she was indeed human affected me. I thought of how many times in the past four months I have apologized to people for either being unable to stop smiling or unable to stop sobbing. True, one of my friends commented earlier in the summer that it was somewhat bizarre to see me so giddy, because I was always so rational and even-keeled. But she was glad to see I was capable of being “normal.” And when I was crying in her car a couple of months later, apologizing for being such horrible company, she told me to stop apologizing, told me I'd be okay, and told me I was “normal.”

Apparently, I'm human.

Game Playing (Leah)

Last night I visited with a friend who really likes a guy I'll call Joey. She's gone out with him for about four months, with off and on intensity. She'd like to be exclusive and they've talked about it, but he wants to date other people. (HOW MANY TIMES WILL I HEAR THIS?) Sorry, but that seems to be the rule for guys our age these days. Anyway, the interesting thing is that she really sees some great things in Joey. She thinks the world of him. She sees a side to him that most people don't. Isn't that how it always is when we fall in love? I know Joey, I think he's a good guy, but certainly not someone I'd ever want to get involved with - he has baggage you might say. Anyway, another girl-friend of mine had the opportunity recently to go out with Joey. She didn't not look forward to the date and had further proof after the date that she had no interest in him at all. His baggage was plenty apparent to her. But my friend from last night, she can see all that baggage but she also sees beyond it. In fact, she mentioned that she wishes he could show his truer self more often in public instead of the side that repels so many women. What just kills me about this situation is how lucky stinkin' Joey is to have my friend be able to see his full being and love him for it all. Why oh why does he insist on dating other women who would really rather not spend any time with him? He's only hurting himself. Why does he not see it? Why are we so blind in our own dating situations? I have no solutions, just frustration. Sorry. I told the friend last night she needs to make a concious effort to look elsewhere and WANT to date other men - for her sanity, as backup, and as part of the game. He apparently gives her a lot more attention when she gives him distance. He's classic "game" material. Anyway, I quoted her some of the wisdom I've been learning - how she needs to have faith that he will become the good man she deserves or some other man who does meet her needs will come into her life. She should not settle for the games this guy is playing - that automatically lessens his worth.