I Refuse to Act Like a Victim! (Marnie)

Why is it when we females end up liking someone we've gone out with, we suddenly lose all of our senses and scheme away on how we are going to "help" a man (or "trick," whichever you prefer) into wanting to keep us? In the old days, men approached the women and pursued them. It was up to the woman to either accept his advances or not. And when she accepted them, they ended up married within the year. Sounds so easy!

Today, it feels like we are using all our skills to get their attention, they ask us out and then we wait on baited breath to see if they ask us out again. For me it's probably because finding really great guys that actually interest me are hard to come by. So when I do meet one that I click with and I think, man, he could be a real potential, I hold on so tightly that he slips away. At least my past relationships seemed to be that way.

It's like I become the victim because he holds all the cards! He claps, and I dance - metaphorically speaking of course...

Well, no more! I caught myself playing that victim role this last week when I was talking to some girlfriends about a man who I just CAN'T figure out. Is he interested? What are his intentions? On paper we are dating - S L O W L Y - but we are still dating. Unfortunately, his actions don't appear to be more than just casual dating. Well, I have goals! And this year is no different from the last two years. I want to start a relationship and actually have it end up at the temple instead of being "over." And my pondering, contemplating and dissecting what he's doing and trying to figure out what he wants from me is just a waste of my time!

So instead, why don't I analyze our date for what I want instead of what he wants? Instead of trying to figure out what his intentions are, why don't I decide if this guy is really worth it? Sure, he's great! We have a fabulous time and I'm attracted to him. But do I really know him yet? Instead of me trying to impress him with all of my great humor and intelligence, maybe I should be deciphering him. I should be drilling him for questions of things I need to know before I can commit to a man. And if it freaks him out, away he goes! And good riddance.

The female in me hates rejection, but I need to buck up and just be ok with it. Instead of worrying IF he will call, why not worry about if he does call, what new information I'm going to glean from the evening? What do I have to lose? Nothing!

Now I'm not talking about interrogating him under a spotlight, but sometimes I think I worry too much about what they think of me, instead of what I think of them. It's time to work on some communication skills because frankly, I'm terrible at it when it comes to my associations with men. And even though he's a great catch, I have no real control over him falling in love with me. I can be on my very best cute, funny, deep behavior, but if he's not feeling it,"he's just not feeling it." (quote from Mr. Click when he broke up with me). And it really has nothing to do with me. It's just the way it goes.

So no more victim behaviors from me! Instead, I'm going to NOT take all this so personally. I'm going to enjoy myself and just try to make it a productive evening. You can tell a lot from a guy from his answers to specific questions. And I need to stop guessing how he would react to certain questions I'm too scared he'll take in the wrong way, and just ask them. Communication is essential to a long lasting relationship (at least that's what the books say) and if I can't communicate with a guy I'm going out with, he surely isn't the right guy for me.

I know, easier said than done. But if I say it out loud enough and drill it into my head - and let my girlfriends slap me across the face when I start acting like the whiny victim again - I just may be able to pull it off. Instead of thinking I have everything to lose, I'm going to BELIEVE I've got nothing to lose!

I've already said it before, I believe that God will send the right guy at the right time. I might as well be practicing for when he gets here. Who knows, maybe I'll find him sooner than I worry I will.