Yikes (Kris)

Ok, I'm officially on line. I'm going to follow Bridget's example and have a good attitude about it and try to make it fun and casual. Hey Bridg, maybe you could post some "how to" tips about on-line dating / meeting people for people like me who find it intimidating. How have you made it such a positive experience?

Weekend Report (by Leah)

I don't mean to be a bloghog or anything, but since part of the purpose of this is to hold myself accountable and report on my efforts and progress I might as well tell the little story of the little effort I made this week. Hooray for effort!

Okay, I hosted a party on Memorial Day for old friends but decided to take the opportunity and invite a few newer friends. One in particular is a Phil that I hope to get to know better. He's not my "type" as Marnie's post has discussed - he's far too short - but as I mentioned in my comment, I'm trying to disregard all type rules I've had previously. Plus, my good friend "Bob" (that will have to suffice as the alias for a male friend) suggested I get to know this Phil better as Bob thinks he's a good man worth investigating. Since I always give Bob suggestions I decided I should follow his. Phil came to my party. We chatted. There was some good eye contact -the hopeful chemistry kind - so I decided to invite him on a camping trip with some friends. I sucked up some courage on Wednesday night only to get his voice mail. I left him the message asking if he thought he'd be available to join the group camping. He called me back last night to say he couldn't but appreciated my thoughtful call and asked me to keep him in mind for future events.

So now the question.... Was this a good move? If I want Phil to be a PHIL then should I have invited him? Sooooo often my hopeful Phils wind up becoming just another Bob in my life. I don't need more Bobs. I want a good Phil. It's like walking a balance beam trying to be interesting and interested just enough to build Phil potential without winding up with a Bob. This is my challenge and what inspires me to call myself "Leah." In the end I try to at least congratulate myself for doing a hard thing and reaching out to the opposite sex with confidence and kindness.

I Want to Marry a Hank Hill! (Marnie)

Throughout the years, people have asked me what my type was. It's changed vastly - even from just a year ago. When I was younger, I really didn't know what my type because frankly I didn't date enough to know what type I wanted. But I made something up.

When I was young, he had to be tall, dark, lanky and hilarious - probably because my one crush during my teenage years was tall, dark, lanky and hilarious. Later, my type became tall, blonde, lanky, and hilarious. That's pretty creative from the teenage girl that never dated, huh?

Then it got more specific in college - he COULDN'T be from Utah! And definitely not from a small Utah town! That was just unthinkable!! Yet, DH (my relationship from college) was from the SMALLEST town in Utah - well, in my big city eyes. I just couldn't believe I was even interested in a man that didn't fit my type! (Although I will admit he was tall, dark, and lanky - Hilarious is still up for discussion.)

That list of what my type was also consisted of: never been married, college graduate, hot, ambitious, his parents had to still be married, and he had to love the band, U2.

Each of my three relationships basically went against one of those "types" I just HAD to have when I was 21. And those requirements have all hit the dust since. They just don't seem all that important now. Now the list has turned into something like: he has to have a testimony AND be active in the LDS church, have a job, be non-competitive, be emotionally available, and think I'm the coolest thing on earth! Funny how things change. I almost think that mental list I made back in college was an opportunity for the Almighty to make me eat my words for things I would never put up with. Who says God doesn’t have a sense of humor!

I was watching the TV cartoon, King of the Hill the other day and it was an episode about Hank Hill's wife, Peggy and her upcoming birthday. Every single birthday she had had in the past something terrible happened - robbed at the restaurant where they had the birthday dinner, flash flood, etc. But she doesn't give up the dream to have a great birthday party that year! Of course it all goes awry and she ends up crying a bit. But the part that I loved the most was her slightly overweight, a tad uptight, not all that tactful husband, Hank that continued to support her, look on the bright side of each terrible situation (which came out hilarious!) and just held her when she bawled her eyes out about having another disasterious birthday. In the end, it turned out just fine – but not without a lot of suffering. All I could think about what how great it would be to have a husband that did all that Hank did – stuck by her side and loved her – even with her size 13 feet!!

Because of that, I’ve decided I’m adding all of Hank Hill’s great traits to my “type” list. You’ve got to love learning life’s lessons through TV cartoons!

And so the search continues…

My Planet Experience (by Leah)

Bridgett inspired me. I must share my experience with LDSPlanet. I went on there to check out the profile of Phil, who I was dating at the time, but we weren't exclusive - heaven forbid he stop looking and try just focusing on one person - so I knew he was on there. I just wanted to see if he looked the same to me online as he did in person. He didn't. In fact I was reminded of why I haven't ever been able to do the Internet thing (I've only made half hearted attempts - like this one). When I look at men's profiles online I don't see candy - I see regurgitated food. It makes me a bit ill. In fact I find I start disliking men. I see them as shallow and not so attractive. Lame and poorly educated. They appear desperate and lost and confused and depressing. I know - I'm being extreme - but truthfully I have pretty extreme reactions. This time was no exception. I liked Phil a whole lot better in person! I had to remind myself that what I liked about him in person was what I'd probably like about all the other men in person. So after he found out I was checking him out he suddenly felt like I'd caught him cheating. Whatever. That quickly led to the end of what we had. But I stayed on there trying to be hopeful and productive. Besides, I'd paid a good 10 bucks - I wanted to get my money's worth. What I got was some pathetic man who was looking for a woman who was open minded in terms of intimacy and fun. I decided he didn't mean he was looking for a woman who thought it would be fun to attend an Obama for president rally together and discuss our inner views on the roles of government and the average citizen. When I told him I wasn't open minded in the way he wanted he quickly wrote me off and threw a parting insult my way. Yeah, I've avoided the online thing for good reasons - this experience didn't do much to change my view. Maybe some day. Good luck fellow bloggers - keep the hope alive!

Sometimes I feel like a Necco's wafer, and I'm not talking about the chocolate one (Bridget)

Ok, it's official..i am addicted to at least two things:diet coke and LDSplanet. The diet coke thing is not new, life would not be anywhere near the level it is now if i didn't have it to nurse me back to my tranquil self during times of stress and heartache,and i have accepted that. LDSplanet however, is a surprise. I have been on this site on and off for years. If singles are found together for any extended amount of time, the question inevitably arises,"Are you online?" Oh, the shame of it all, as some avert their eyes, answer, "uh huh, yeah" almost apologetically as if they are answering yes to the question "are you a sexual deviant?". I have never felt this shame, well, at least not in a long time. It's not that I've had incredibly successful stories from online web sites, its just that the feeling of being able to log on each time and get a whiff of something that smells pretty close to blessed hope is pretty hard to pass up. Hope, that the profile of just who I am looking for is a click or two away. What a convenient way to do it... Its like being a kid in a candy store,all my favorites in front of me,decorating the shelves. The wrappers so colorful and shiny. Oh they have Abba Zabbas, Big Hunks,Turkish Delight, and Cadbury Easter eggs (seasonal,if its not close to Easter,you don't want that egg). Whatever I'm in the mood for, there's something for me. Although there's lots of yummy candy, there's also the candy like Necco's,and the 1950's wax gum...covered in dusty wrappers,cuz no one ever picks them up, and they are rarely ever bought. I have been on in Utah and California. The longest relationship I have had from online sources was 4 months. It crashed and burned, but taught me some more about what i'm looking for and who i want to be. Just like all things,LDSplanet should be used in moderation. I have a sneaking suspicion, OK I know, that those days I am feeling stressed out by the fact that I'm not married and I should be,and i better think of what to do to change it,those days are when my addiction is realized....girlfriend logs on like there's no tomorrow....he's gotta be on there...my darling Abba Zabba. Until they come up with a 12 step program...i guess I'm on my own..you know what I'm just going to toggle over and see who's online right now..I'll blog with you later....

Failure (by Leah)

I have a story to tell about the singles conference I recently attended. I participated in "speed dating" for the first time. I was a bit excited about it and wasn't totally disappointed by the experience. I WAS, however, surprised by the overall tone I sensed in the "dates." It seemed to me that the men were just as discouraged and nervous about the whole experience as I was. I was trying to be hopeful, but underneath it all I felt like it was pointless and we were all just going through the motions because we felt like we had nothing better to do/try. Anyway, we'll see if any real dates come of the experience. For now, I wanted to share a beautiful (and somewhat) inspiring quote I discovered in my blog surfing today. I think it applies to us - the women of this blog.
http://papercutting.blogspot.com/2008/05/fail-better.html

Desperate Measures (Kris)

“There's someone out there for everyone - even if you need a pickax, a compass, and night goggles to find them.” – Steve Martin in LA Story

Am I the only one who feels like this? Where do you find men to date? The singles ward scene got too much for me a few months ago and I switched to my family ward; so going to church isn't much of a resource for dating. (I do find I’m enjoying church just being church and not a singles conference.) I work in a small office with the same 12 people every day, so I don't meet new people that way. I have a nice group of friends that includes some “datable” men but most of them fall into “dated”, “tried to date”, or “not interested in dating”. Where does that leave me?

My purpose in doing this blog was to motivate me to get out of my comfort zone. Anyone have great ideas or success meeting quality men? I’m up for trying anything, which I guess, unfortunately, includes the internet. Really, I don’t know where else to go.

I’ve tried internet dating briefly and was quite uncomfortable with it. I have a fear of strangers, plus I’ve seen too many episodes of Law and Order so I think everyone online is a liar or pervert. (not really, but sort of) I do know many people who have met online and it’s worked out well. If they can do it, then surely I can too. There is just a part of me that cringes when I think about it.

I feel like I have to make all sorts of disclaimers about why I post a profile online. It's a little embarrassing. Why do I feel like it’s a sign I’m desperate? Well... maybe I am. I enjoy the single life, but would like to be married and haven’t been too successful in finding the right guy. So is that desperate? Why not use all the resources available to meet new people.

I guess it’s decided. On-line I go. I’m guessing my first several posts will be about my on line experiences (assuming I will have some) and you, dear blog, can be my support system. Thanks.

therapy (by Marcia)

I’ve always thought anyone could benefit from therapy, but after this past week I’m convinced I definitely could use a session or two (maybe three).

So I met this guy literally 3 days after breaking up with BH. We met at one of those gut-wrenching modified speed-dating dinners. Don (aka Don) and I went together and we had a code-word pact. If either of us said the words “Niagara Falls” we were out-of-there-no-questions-asked. Amazingly, I had a decent time – mostly because a guy there seemed to think I was interesting. And something happened that hasn’t happened in awhile…he asked for my number.

As we were driving home I told Don he should always ask for a girl’s number – if for no other reason than to make her feel good. Even if this guy never called I would be grateful to him for just making me think he was even remotely interested in me. So imagine my surprise when he called a couple of DAYS – not weeks – later. One week after BH and I broke up, I had a date with Clue (not his real name). There was still hope in my world.

A few months later, Clue and I are still dating. Here’s where I self-diagnose…

While I was still trying to get over BH (it takes me a long time to get over someone – especially when he still calls every few days), there was a lot about Clue that I found intriguing. He’s intelligent. He reads. He’s a writer. He has a fascinating conversion story. While he doesn’t water ski, he is willing to learn. He’s outdoorsy and active. All of which weighed heavily in the plus column. Still, I was taking this relationship very slow and my “here a week / gone a week” travel schedule both helped and hurt the relationship. How it helped: If it had progressed quickly, I think it would have been over just as quick because I really wasn’t ready to be in another relationship – the slow pace enabled us to get to know one another. However, there were a lot of starts & stops and it took a lot longer to get to that stage where you feel really comfortable around each other.

So last weekend we had “the date.” The one where instead of going out, you stay at home. The one where he makes dinner and then you watch a video and snuggle on the sofa. I have to say, it was nice.

One of the dating patterns I’ve discovered in myself over the last decade is I usually date a guy who has the traits that my last boyfriend was missing. Such is the case with Clue. He is very attentive. He tells me how great I am, how pretty I am, how smart I am, how refreshing I am. I’ve always thought myself to be a low-maintenance kind of girl who doesn’t need this kind of fluff, but even a low-maintenance girl likes a bit of fluff now and then.

Anyway, since last week, I’ve been thinking about Clue more. And coincidentally, since last week, his work has been really busy and we haven’t been able to see each other which does nothing but increase my desire to see him – which by the way, is another one of my patterns. I find myself missing Clue and I think I’m turning the corner in this relationship. I start to think about spending more time together – and then bam, I get an email from him that says he’s thinking of going to Moab this weekend and can we postpone our date from Friday to Sunday?

The speed in which my feelings flat-lined amazed even me. This is where therapy should step in. I mean, my feelings stopped on a dime. Even when Clue sent another email a few hours later and said he wasn’t going to go to Moab after all and asked if I was still available for the date, my feelings were still in halt mode. I didn’t even know I could do that. Is that normal?

Honestly, what is wrong with me? Am I really that insecure, that afraid to get hurt, that afraid to be rejected, that I can’t handle a little postponement of a date? I mean he wasn’t cancelling forever. He just wanted to postpone it for two days for Pete’s sake. Did I interpret this to mean he would rather go to Moab than be with me? Wow. Insecurity, fear, rejection. Yes, therapy would do me good.

So our Friday night on/off date is on again. Any guesses what the after-date-emotion will be come Saturday? Your guess is as good as mine.

I might as well add that I also told him that I couldn’t go hiking with him on Saturday because I wanted to run a 5k that morning. Oh, and I might as well add that I told him I was busy on Saturday night because Don and I MIGHT do something if he’s not too exhausted from his Italy trip and if he gets his lawn mowed. So yes, in one breath I’m flipping out because of a postponed date and in the next I’m telling him I can’t see him because I have tentative plans with another guy.

Luckily for me, Clue is more than patient with me. Although he corrected me when I used the term “patient.”
He said, “Patience implies that I have a claim to your feelings and actions, which I don’t think I have.”
He said, “Relax and don’t worry about it.”
He said, “I’m just enjoying getting to know you.”

When I heard all that, I thought, “Are you for real?” I mean, really. How can a girl resist that?

Just call me Bridget

Cast of Characters:
Bridget-me,see below
GSE- gorgeous,successful executive that I've known for 11 years, we were 20 somethings when we met..now thirty somethings,has been very instrumental in my life... We have spent over a decade flirting with the connection we have...
Room mates- Liz and Dre,two beautiful,strong women;many times my partners in crime
Dating History-I have had a knack of picking unavailable men, some more unavailable than others. I've found myself in "relationships" with a handful of wonderful men, but all have been just out of reach for one reason or another. I have been in long distance relationships and even relationships spanning sexual preference...alright he was gay...and just a friend...but gosh I wanted to be his Grace and he be my Will, forever....sick I know... I am now healthy, or at least not as sick,thanks to my therapist and the Good Lord above and am looking for the man who is not only available,but is most definitely meant for me.

A bit About Me-
I am a 37 year old woman in Southern California. I work full time in the payroll industry and am a full time psychology student. I am working toward my degree, and will, at the end of the road ,be a therapist for children. I lived in Salt Lake City for 12 years, moved there after my mission, then felt very strongly that I needed to move back to my native Southern California. I am loving being back in L.A. and have a great life. I love being close to L.A so I can catch a music show or go to a Dodger game when the spirit moves. I am having the best time of my life...Oprah is right..it gets better and better.

I Am Leah

Cast of Characters
For now, it's just me, "Leah." You know, as in the Bible story. Sometimes it's how I feel, the one no one loves, but I certainly don't feel that pathetic - just in comparison sometimes I think I must look that pathetic.

As for the guys in my stories, I think they'll all be named Phil. That's what my mother liked to call the last guy - she couldn't remember his name. The last couple of kids she had would have been named Philip if they'd come out boys - I think she's just partial to the name. I like it. Besides, I like how it can stand for "fill in the blank" - get it? Clever, I know. Phil the first is officially history - he couldn't stop looking around and I got tired of not being a priority. I currently miss him, though.

Dating History
College days were relatively full, then I hit my mid-20's and I dated little. I think it was my 30th year that I decided to have a "spring-fling" and that was the kick-start I needed. I often advise women who bemoan their loveless lives to have a fling, it did wonders for me. Since then I've had about three serious relationships, a couple were repeats. I believe in being friends, I don't like messy endings, so I've received wedding announcements from all of them and still do the occasional, "Merry Christmas," email. It seems more than my fair share tend to move away about the time we break up - it helps with the "moving on" but I wonder if I'm picking guys who can't/won't commit.

A Bit About Me
I come from a large family and am near the top. Two sisters were married at age 19 and the oldest married at the really old age of 25 - at least I thought she was way old when she got married. I love my brothers - they are good for advice and comfort. The in-laws I'm always working on appreciating more.

I love people - I love building relationships. I love anything that a person I care about loves. I love being introduced to new things through people I love. It seems every guy I've dated has been completely different and as a result I've picked up a variety of interests: quarters, comic books, movies, architecture, baseball, cheese, desert, feet, moose, traveling, guns, bacon, rose bushes, music, Disneyland, Pioneers, B-movies, Japan, Spiderman, and oatmeal.

And I like to read. I teach English to high school students.

Marnie

Cast of Characters :

Marnie (me) – a 37 year old native Southern Californian girl in denial that she’s lived in Utah since 1989. (I got the name from the title character of my favorite Alfred Hitchcock movie when I was a teenager. That alone gives me TONS to analyze!)

DH - The first guy I ever “dated” – that was back in college

The One (aka My First Love; aka Emotionally Unavailable Man) - He broke up with me through email after we dated for a year. I didn’t take that well.

Rebound – the last guy I dated, totally not my type and very non-committal. We had “the talk” a month ago.

Dating History:

Compared to the rest of the world I’m a beginner at relationships and WAY behind. I never dated in High School or College – except for setups and an occasional pity date I granted. Dating DH happened my last semester in college. It lasted about 2 months – after 4 months of “playing the game.”

In my 20s, I was accused of being a “man hater,” which I still think was unjustified!

Four years ago, I had my first real relationship with The One. The last 6 months we dated he pulled away from me physically and emotionally. I was too stupid to call him on it. But I’m WAY over him now. No really!!

I’ve dated more in my 30s than with my teens and 20s combined. I like to call myself a “late bloomer.”

A bit about me:

I come from a very traditional family – 2 brothers, 1 sister. My parents have been married for 45 years – and are very happy. The bad news is that three of us are still unmarried – yet want to be. Mom somehow thinks it’s her fault.

I love genealogy, traveling, movies, reading, laughing, cult tv shows, and “my peeps” that keep me grounded and fulfilled.

Friends have diagnosed me with commitment issues because all three relationships were with men that warned me "I take it slow" and ended up being non-committal in the end. I'm now reading a self-help book called, "He's Scared, She's Scared." Do you think that can take the place of real therapy?

Marcia, Marcia, Marcia

Cast of Characters (some names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent)

Marcia (me) – a native Northern Californian recently transplanted into the SLC singles scene.

Clue (the guy I’m currently dating) – he chose his own alias. In his words: “if I dump him, he can call me “Clueless.”

BH – we broke up a week before I started dating “Clue” – a bit of a timing complication.

Don (a.k.a. Don) – a good friend who I’ll probably mention from time to time (basically, I liked the alias he chose so I had to include him in the cast).

Chris – my voice of reason.


Dating History:

Currently dating “Clue”
Longest Relationship: roughly ten (yes, ten) years – off and on.
Dating Pattern can best be described as a boomerang…break-ups rarely stick.
Misc. Stuff: Never married, no kids, four serious relationships with four amazing men.
Why I’m Still Single: Read my blog and you tell me.


A bit about me:

I travel a lot for both work and play.
I love waterskiing, camping, backpacking, reading and being at home.
I have an amazing family – parents, grandparents, brothers & sisters, cousins – they’re all great.

All About Kris

Cast of Characters

Kris (me) – Age: 39 (Yikes, the big Four-Oh just around the corner) Born in Phoenix, raised in SLC, moved away for a while but decided I’d rather live by my family and vacation elsewhere than living out of state and spending all my vacation time coming back to Utah. So I’m back and enjoying it.

At the moment, it's a cast of one. Hopefully, I'll have some fun aliases to record soon.

Dating History:

Pretty sporadic. A couple of serious relationships, but often fall into the “friend to all, lover to none” role. Meaning, it seems a lot of guys I like would rather hang out with me than go out with me. I go through spurts of dating quite a bit (usually a series of short relationships or just a date or two with various guys) and then dry spells. It’s been a bit of a draught lately. I thought I’d start this blog as a way to motivate myself to get out there, meet some people, and breathe new life into my social scene.

A bit about me:

I've always had a lot of friends and quality relationships are very important to me. I love living close enough to family to maintain “favorite aunt” status. Some favorite pastimes of mine: traveling, hiking, biking, yoga, reading, movies, game night, or just hanging out and talking with friends. I'd like to think I'm the type of person who will give anything a try.