Awhile ago, I was running to my car from my house when I tripped and fell. It was raining hard, and I was trying to avoid as many raindrops as possible. So I jumped off my front step and misjudged the circumference of my skirt which tripped me. Needless to say, I fell hard on my hands and knees. It surprised me as much as it hurt me.
My first reaction was to start bawling. It was a Monday morning and it was after a rough weekend and it just seemed too much. I eventually picked myself up and went back inside to fix my wounds and get the leaves out of my jacket. I felt foolish, clumsy and stupid for misjudging something I was so confident in. Plus, it hurt like the dickens and I suffered the consequences of that action for days with bruises and sore knees.
I haven't admitted to it yet, but I started dating Mr. Click a while back. Like his name indicated, we clicked well. I've never had such a great first date! (And I've been on a lot of them in my time.) It was a great experience and I enjoyed being with him every second. Sure, I had my moments of doubt and was unsure as to what was going on, but overall, I had a blast.
But we broke it off. I'm not going to say why or go into details because it's not important. Mr. Click still doesn't know about this website (which is why I never said anything about him). But I can tell you that the end was unexpected for me and I have felt some of the same feelings I felt when I fell down on that rainy, miserable day...foolish, clumsy and stupid for misjudging something I was starting to feel confident in.
Let me sum up some of my current raw emotions:
EMOTION #1: I'm missing him terribly. We had become close friends and I felt like I could trust him without judgment. He is a GREAT guy and still is. He was my equal and let's be honest - we often don't get to date our equal. So the loss of him is much bigger than just some random cute guy I casually dated for awhile.
EMOTION #2: Loss of a real potential. Although at first I wasn't really into him, I gave it time and realized he had a lot of the characteristics I was looking for. We were really compatible but still had some differences to shake things up. And now that potential is completely gone. I feel like I'm on the board game of Chutes and Ladders. I almost won the game to a real committed relationship (and I'm NOT even talking about marriage - just a dating relationship!) but instead I landed on the space with the huge chute that goes all the way back to the beginning of the game. I'm starting over from scratch. AGAIN!
EMOTION #3: I feel betrayed. By him, by God. Of course I'm just putting blame wherever I can because that's how I work. It's completely irrational and I don't REALLY believe it deep down inside. And really it is no one's fault. It just is. But I want to make sense of it all, so blaming someone else for a relationship not working out is just natural for me - although very destructive thinking.
EMOTION #4: I feel rejected. Ok, you figured it out, I liked him a LOT. And that wasn't enough for this relationship. I'm now looking at myself and wondering what's wrong with me? Why can't I get ONE man on this blasted earth to want to be with me longer than a few months?? Am I that unlovable? Yeah, that's more destructive thinking that's got to stop.
EMOTION #5: I want to run and hide. After spending some time with him, I made a decision and took a risk. I opened my heart to him and cared for him. And because it has ended, I feel like I never want to do it again! Why risk it when you just get rejected?? Why go that extra mile if you just end up all alone and hurting? It makes me never want to trust a man again. Although if I want to get where I want to go, I've GOT to get over that!
EMOTION: #6: I'm feeling stupid. I made mistakes which is natural for a human being - especially one with as little experience in relationships as me. I've been thinking of things I should or shouldn't have done - like they would somehow have kept this all from happening. Yep, more destructive thinking that I just have to let go.
EMOTION #7: Sometimes, I just feel like crying. I can't even put my finger on the exact emotion that is causing that cry. I guess I don't have to label it. It just needs to get out of me and I do believe it will help with the healing.
Now, this isn't my first breakup. Getting over the love of my life (aka "The One") was so hard I thought I would die. And I am in no way in that position. I think the difficulty with this break up is that I have been working hard to envision me being married. I've felt more ready to be in a relationship than ever before. I was on a roll! I was gaining momentum! I was doing things COMPLETELY different from before - big scary stuff that I've never attempted. Things that I was proud of for conquering - all appearing to pay off!! And because it was so different, I let myself think that it could very well be a relationship that for once would actually stick.
I had to re-read my last few blog posts to remind myself of my past answers to prayers and to start getting my hope back. Although my emotions make me want to believe some lies and completely irrational thoughts, I do believe everything will be ok in the end. I will survive! I will move on! I will break through and make it so these emotions will become less and less on my mind and in my heart. And I will be able to trust a man again and be ready for another risk. I WILL GET MARRIED!!! If anything I'm in a much better place to deal with this than in the past. Since June - even before I started dating Mr. Click - it has been my goal to work on the one relationship I have complete control over - my relationship with God. He is constant. He will never leave me. And He will help me. He has a real plan for me and all of this stuff makes sense to him. I just have to remember that and trust Him.
And I do believe all the sacrifices and efforts in improving my prayers and taking more time to read and ponder the words of God and his prophets has given me the reserve of strength to not hide away and fall back to where I was before. I refuse to loose that momentum! I will get back out there as soon as I'm able! It will hurt - oh, it will hurt - but I can't let those emotions keep me from being the adult I need to be.
And an adult picks herself back up after she falls down hard on the cement in the pouring rain. She brushes herself off, cleans up her wounds, dries her tears and walks, limping a little, but making it to her next destination.
"Sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can fall together." Marilyn Monroe
I'm really counting on that...