planting seeds (marcia)

at the risk of overposting my welcome, I thought I'd write in response to Leah’s posting on “How to Get a Date”. I don’t claim to have any secrets that I can bottle & sell or any great tips, but I did discover something recently. Those seeds you plant sometimes really do take root. They might just take a long time – a really long time to blossom.

For some reason, I’ve always dated a fair amount. I don’t think I’m cuter or more interesting than any other women. I don’t stand out in a crowd, I’m not very good at flirting, I’m not an extrovert (in fact, I don’t like a lot of attention). I guess what I’m saying is take what I say with a grain of salt – I’m no expert.

Clue and I actually met a few times before he asked me out. We first met over a year ago at a small dinner party – he didn’t ask me out then. He said he saw me again at another party last October – we didn’t even talk. Then last February (over a year after we first met) we met again at a speed-dating dinner – and he asked for my number.

Here’s the interesting stuff that you find out after you’re comfortably dating someone for while:

When we met the first time, both of us were dating other people. Because I was dating someone, I wasn’t focused on talking to the men only – I got to know both the men and the women there. I remember talking to Clue and thinking he was nice, good looking, interesting and very tall. I thought we had a good first conversation. I think it helped that I had just returned from an amazing hiking trip to Patagonia and had something fun to talk about. He says he remembers seeing “that look” in my eyes that told him I was interested.

Last October we were both at a party but I don’t remember seeing him there. He said I was in a different part of the room and at one point I looked over his way and he smiled and waved, but I either totally ignored him or didn’t see him (since I don’t remember this, I’m sticking with not seeing him). Anyway, we didn’t talk. What I do remember about that night is I pretty much sat in the same chair the whole evening and talked to different people as they came to me.

Last February at that speed dating dinner, I was sitting down next to Don (aka Don) and saw Clue out of the corner of my eye. Everyone else was standing and chatting – and there Don and I were…sitting down, talking to each other and being a bit anti-social. I didn’t recognize Clue when I first saw him so I was surprised when he seemed to walk directly towards me, sat down next to me and began talking. He re-introduced himself to me and then I not only remembered him, but I also told him some of the things I remembered him telling me about himself when we met a year ago.

In my non-expert opinion, I think it helped that I showed interest in everyone as well as Clue in the first meeting. He remembered that I had gone on some big hiking trip in some far-off land. And finally, whatever “that look” is, (I don’t remember giving him any "looks" – I think I was just genuinely interested in learning about him), it sent the right message. The second time we met (or rather, he saw me), it didn’t help that I just sat in one place the entire evening. I met a few new people and enjoyed myself, but I certainly didn’t put myself outside of my comfort zone. At the third meeting, I think I was just lucky. Lucky that Clue saw me and remembered me (he said he made a bee-line for me when he saw me – I love that!). And it certainly didn’t hurt that I remembered his story from a year ago.

How to Get a Date (Leah)

I really don't get THAT many dates. Compared to some of my friends, though, I seem to date a lot - you know, more than once a year. I've had a couple long distance boyfriends who aren't insistent on being exclusive, and for some reason, during those periods of life, I get more dates than usual. I've decided there's a confidence/aura about me when I'm in a relationship that somehow attracts men - I've long wanted to bottle it and be able to use it at a later date or sell it to friends. Basically what I'm saying, I've tried to figure out how a girl gets more dates than other girls and even than herself at different times. I have no pat answer. I HAVE however, recently made note of certain behaviors of my friends and have decided that some things they do prevent them from creating connections with men on a sufficient level to have the "normal" guys ask them out. I think there are some guys who will ask out any woman at any moment - they lack the social graces to know when they'll get rejected and when they won't, so they just constantly throw themselves at any woman knowing/hoping one will take them up on the offer.

Sorry - back to my little lesson. So... the sort of men you want to ask you out generally try to use social clues and hints to know if it is safe to ask a woman on a date. They won't ask if they suspect they'll be rejected - nobody likes to purposely put themselves in the line of rejection. So I've decided that men need just enough time getting to know you to feel safe about reading your vibes that you're at least partially interested and would say yes if they asked you out.

In one night I observed three behaviors that do not encourage men to ask you out. One woman chose to sit by another woman instead of by a potential Phil. She had to climb over both the Phil and the woman to get to the woman's other side. Even if she wasn't interested in Phil - she could have sat between them and practiced her Phil bonding skills. Later one woman opted to go home early instead of joining a group at the home of a friend for treats. Granted, we all get a bit tired and cranky and need alone time - but there were no Phils at her house. The party may not have only had any Phils, but there were better chances there than at home - and as said before, you can always practice your Phil bonding skills. Then later, at the party, I observed some women keeping to themselves, talking to non-Bobs (guys with even less than Bob potential), engrossed in conversations with females, and many going home early, before the party settled in to allow for good solid conversation that could lead to more Phil bonding practice or real Phil bonding. I don't thing a guy will ask you out after five minutes of casual conversation. You have to spend time showing a degree of interest (really being interested helps) and even doing a bit of self disclosure so that the potential Phil feels safe. All I know is that I felt pretty rotten that evening myself and often wanted to be one of those women, but I stuck it out and did my best to make eye contact and smile at all the men that entered or passed me by. I spent a decent amount of time talking to one guy and by the end of the night I had a date for the next weekend.

I know this technique has no guarantees - it doesn't always work for me, but if I'd followed those other women I guarantee you that I would NOT have gotten a date.

Just more food for thought. More ideas for me to put into action. Maybe there are certain techniques/skills that I can work on and develop. If you have made any discoveries or know of any certain strategies that are more effective than others, then please share. I'm just happy that without a long distance boyfriend I'm still finding success at getting a date. This one really might be the next Phil!

7 Habits of highly effective online daters(Bridget)

This is for you Kris, from one online dater to another, passing the proverbial torch..make me proud little one.

1.Please do not look at a guy's profile multiple times. LDS planet SAYS that one can look at another's profile as many times as they want in one day and it will count as one. If you trust this you will be sorry. Recently, and this has happened more than once (one time shame on them, two times shame on me, three times...I deserve to be alone on a Saturday night) I will be sharing emails filled with witty repartee with a gentleman, and believing that it will only count as one look, I will sneak another peak at their profile,or maybe say twelve peaks,and by gosh, I will never hear from them again...

2. Do not get online after 10pm unless you're looking for a booty chat..they rarely respect you in the morning

3. Go with your gut...you have that certain something inside that tells you if you should keep chatting/email with this guy...if there's red flags already...and you haven't even i/m'd him,keep moving

4. Don't ask a guy that says he valet parks for a living, what his "plan" is,as if he absolutely must have one..that just makes for awkward chatting

5. Flirt Responsibly...it can go places you don't want it to go...fast

6. Be an equal opportunity dater...pictures and profiles can be deceiving in a good way and bad way. Try and be open to all possibilities.

7. Make sure to invest time and energy on some flattering pictures. No one wants to see the picture you've taken of yourself in the bathroom mirror with your Motorola..this will go a long way, and really speaks of the level of pride you have in yourself, i think.

So there...the seven habits of highly effective online daters. Take it for what its worth...and good luck with your online escapades...