Soul Mate Part II (Leah)

Maybe I mislabeled my previous post. I didn't really want to discuss what a "soul mate" is or isn't - just that I was trying to figure out if Phil and I are connecting enough. I only used the "good Mormon girl" label because of the principle taught by Pres. Kimball that any good man and any good woman can marry and that there is no such thing as a soul mate in the sense of a one and only. I've often rallied behind that statement in discussions with friends who are looking for the magical moment of connecting with that dreamed of and longed for soul mate. I do agree with "anonymous" that relationships can transcend typical relationships. I have people in my life that I connect with on very deep levels, but I still argue that that connection is not proof or argument for marrying. For one thing, many of those soul mates I have are women or married friends - where marriage isn't an option. As someone who has A LOT of friends, I can't say I believe I'll be friends with that soul mate forever. I think certain relationships can connect at the soul level at specific times and in specific situations. Like Bryan - maybe we're really connected on a certain level - but considering I'm playing an anonymous part marriage isn't an option.

Now, as far as marriage is concerned, I'd like to put forth the idea I strongly adhere to, that soul mates are made, not found. A good man and a good woman make each other soul mates by having many heart to heart binding experiences - working and sharing and building a relationship makes for very strong soul mates, the kind that prophets and their wives exemplify.

So... what do you think of that?

Who Where When How (Leah)

Back in college (BYU) I took the ever popular "Marriage Prep" from Brent Barlow. I remember he used to say that what really mattered was that you married the right person in the right place at the right time. Well last week I was listening to some talk of his from Education Week and I was intrigued that he added the "how" aspect. I guess everyone has to update their material at some point. Anyway, that's not my point, I just had to share that tidbit. My point is that in his talk he spent some time explaining each aspect. I think we're all good about knowing we should marry in the temple and of course we're always looking for the right person, but timing is something we're not often taught. Maybe we're taught the how - but I can't quite remember his thoughts on that and since it's new for me I have nothing to say about it. The timing, though, has been a sticking point for me for years. Obviously. I've been in relationships that have lasted three months and I was ready to marry and other relationships that were a year long and I was ready to marry. I guess getting to know another person just takes some time. Brother Barlow recommended "several months" and his time limit of choice was twelve months total for knowing and being engaged. I appreciated his insistence on not giving a specific time frame. Instead he emphasized that you know them over some time so that you can see them in various settings and see how they process and deal with things that arise. Anyway it got me thinking about all the people I know now. Why is it that we have a hard time considering those we know now to be dating options? I know it happens sometimes - but usually no one dates someone they know - certainly not someone they know well. I have heard of best friends finally getting a clue and marrying but I think that's more the exception. I just hate the idea that I'm just THAT much further away from "meeting someone." Hmm, I tried to share something insightful, but I think I just vented. Either way - there's my post.

Talking (Leah)

I just wanted to share a little lesson I learned recently. The last fellow I dated complained that I "talked" too much - as in I told too many people too much about me/him/us. I think it made him feel overexposed and insecure. I selfishly thought he was silly. I was talking to my friends about what mattered to me - it had nothing to do with him really.

Since then, though, I've done some thinking. In an effort to honor his wishes I've tried to not discuss him anymore with friends or family. ALSO (now this may come as a surprise to some) I've restrained myself from discussing some very personal thoughts with some people. I've wanted to practice this behavior and even though the guy isn't a part of my life now I want to honor what I learned from the relationship at least. On this blog I tell some stuff that I wonder if I really should tell, but that's one reason I try to maintain the anonymity. Since I've started doing this I have to say I feel great!

In fact, I was thinking the other day about how when someone is going through a really hard time everyone has to ask "how are you doing" and that person gets sick of the question. It's not like life gets better or easier and so that question becomes increasingly depressing. I don't think said person will ever be able to get out of that sad state with continued discussion focusing on it. In terms of my dating life, every time someone asks "how is Phil" I get talking and thinking and obsessing and next thing I know there is little left of meaning in my life other than the Phil drama. And the more I talk about Phil the more people need to ask about him.

As older single women we hate being asked "why aren't you married yet" but then it seems that's the only topic we discuss. The bigger deal you make of something the bigger deal it becomes. I don't want all my friend relationships to be based on the latest progress of my Phil relationship. So I've decided that I want to have my life less Phil oriented and just more me oriented. That won't affect my blogging here - so no worries - but I have to say I'm a believer in sharing less. After all, the only people who know what is best in a relationship are the two people in it. I think I'll do better in my next relationship if I don't try to include 10 of my closest friends who have all the best and kindest intentions.

Sorry - I think that was a bit rambly, but I hope you catch my drift!