He's NOT the One!!! (Marnie)

Have you ever gone on a date with a guy that you knew you had NO intention of ever going out with again? So why did you say yes in the first place? maybe he caught you off guard or it was a pity date. Or it was just nice to go out on a date. If you weren't interested even MORE after the 2nd date - for whatever reasons - did he ask you out again? Of course he did! It’s almost like clockwork. Why does that happen? Because you weren’t that interested! They sense that and men do love a good chase. I’ve seen it time and again with me and with my friends. For me, I try to let my date know I'm not interested by acting completely like myself, like I don’t care what I say or do, and even try to remain a bit standoffish - yet they STILL ask for a 2nd date. That behavior is like a perfume they can't resist. They still go hunting and try to get another date. They love it especially when the prey isn't interested and even running away…it’s in their nature.

If only we could do that with the men we ARE interested in! If I'm interested in a guy and he has several qualities I'm looking for - he may even be on my "potentials list" for a future husband - I act completely different. Instead of disinterest, I'm very interested in what he says and does, I try to act just perfectly, very attentive and oh so willing to be flexible and helpful in any way - probably too much. What is the result? Well, usually, he sees I'm interested and suddenly he isn't...there's no chase.

It's just the way it is...

Well, I just read an article by Holly Sidell that had a great point – you should really date guys believing they're NOT "the one!" (You know, the man you've been dreaming of.) Holly's coach told her that "the one" doesn't exist. There is no perfect person for you, just the person you marry. That isn't the romantic dream we all have about our future spouse, but Holly believes this is a good philosophy! If you are able to get "the one" thought out of your head and think of the guy as just another date, you'll keep yourself from investing too much in him and take the pressure off the date. She says we often attach too many emotions and stories into our heads of what we want to happen. (So TRUE!) And another great reason: it makes you look a little disinterested - if he even remotely likes you, he’ll chase you!

I know it seems impossible to do – NOT comparing the guy in front of you to what “you want” and wondering how he would be as a husband and father to your future children. And if he is a really great guy and you two really do click, you start making your mental list of what you are looking for and start thinking things like, "he could be the one" - you've fallen into that trap! But as the article says, you should instead think, “that’s a trait I would like in my future husband.” That way you still are identifying his good points but keeping him out of the your temple marriage mental picture. If he really is a guy you should marry, you’ll get there! How many friends of yours dated a guy they had no intention of getting serious with and then ended up marrying with the common comment of, “I had no real interest at first and he didn’t seem my type at all!”

I think they may have something…

So that’s my goal…the next cool guy that asks me out, I will repeat over and over and over in my head during the date, “He’s not the one.” I only hope I can pull it off! In the end, I think it will save me a lot of grief.

Soul Mate Part II (Leah)

Maybe I mislabeled my previous post. I didn't really want to discuss what a "soul mate" is or isn't - just that I was trying to figure out if Phil and I are connecting enough. I only used the "good Mormon girl" label because of the principle taught by Pres. Kimball that any good man and any good woman can marry and that there is no such thing as a soul mate in the sense of a one and only. I've often rallied behind that statement in discussions with friends who are looking for the magical moment of connecting with that dreamed of and longed for soul mate. I do agree with "anonymous" that relationships can transcend typical relationships. I have people in my life that I connect with on very deep levels, but I still argue that that connection is not proof or argument for marrying. For one thing, many of those soul mates I have are women or married friends - where marriage isn't an option. As someone who has A LOT of friends, I can't say I believe I'll be friends with that soul mate forever. I think certain relationships can connect at the soul level at specific times and in specific situations. Like Bryan - maybe we're really connected on a certain level - but considering I'm playing an anonymous part marriage isn't an option.

Now, as far as marriage is concerned, I'd like to put forth the idea I strongly adhere to, that soul mates are made, not found. A good man and a good woman make each other soul mates by having many heart to heart binding experiences - working and sharing and building a relationship makes for very strong soul mates, the kind that prophets and their wives exemplify.

So... what do you think of that?

Soul Mate (Leah)

So as a good Mormon girl, I don't really believe in "soul mates" but I do believe you can find a man who more closely matches what you need/want more than not. At this age, though, it's easy to believe that NO one will ever be a very good match. When I say "match" I guess I mean someone that has all your values and complements you in a perfectly balanced way allowing you to shine and feel like the best you ever. Hmmm, as I type this I feel like I'm sounding like someone who has given up the dream - like someone NOT in love. Well, I'm not. Phil is good and we're connecting but more and more I'm finding areas where we're rather different. So I started reading a book about knowing if the guy you are dating is a good match - the book calls him a "soul mate." I don't want to throw the book out all together, but I do have in mind the principle that any good woman and any good man can make a rather good couple. I'm just in that stage with Phil where I want to know more NOW so that I don't fall deeper in and don't get hurt and don't hurt him, etc. The areas where we're different are in those gray areas that aren't exactly major values but could be. So I'm asking myself which things are really most important to me. How do I really define myself - that sort of thing. But when I talk to married people about this they keep saying things like, "That's minor - you can deal with that - don't give up a really great thing for something only sort of great - don't trade your eternity for something so temporal...." You following? Probably you've been there. Well, I'm there - again. When will this get easier? I think this is where we start questioning how much we value our freedom and independence as single people and question our life long goal of getting married. It reminds me of the song: "Who's on the Lord's Side Who." Like a post I made earlier - I'm going to forget Phil and forget me and just try to be on the Lord's side - not obsessed with dating. :) Wish me luck.