Soul Mate (Leah)

So as a good Mormon girl, I don't really believe in "soul mates" but I do believe you can find a man who more closely matches what you need/want more than not. At this age, though, it's easy to believe that NO one will ever be a very good match. When I say "match" I guess I mean someone that has all your values and complements you in a perfectly balanced way allowing you to shine and feel like the best you ever. Hmmm, as I type this I feel like I'm sounding like someone who has given up the dream - like someone NOT in love. Well, I'm not. Phil is good and we're connecting but more and more I'm finding areas where we're rather different. So I started reading a book about knowing if the guy you are dating is a good match - the book calls him a "soul mate." I don't want to throw the book out all together, but I do have in mind the principle that any good woman and any good man can make a rather good couple. I'm just in that stage with Phil where I want to know more NOW so that I don't fall deeper in and don't get hurt and don't hurt him, etc. The areas where we're different are in those gray areas that aren't exactly major values but could be. So I'm asking myself which things are really most important to me. How do I really define myself - that sort of thing. But when I talk to married people about this they keep saying things like, "That's minor - you can deal with that - don't give up a really great thing for something only sort of great - don't trade your eternity for something so temporal...." You following? Probably you've been there. Well, I'm there - again. When will this get easier? I think this is where we start questioning how much we value our freedom and independence as single people and question our life long goal of getting married. It reminds me of the song: "Who's on the Lord's Side Who." Like a post I made earlier - I'm going to forget Phil and forget me and just try to be on the Lord's side - not obsessed with dating. :) Wish me luck.

Talking (Leah)

I just wanted to share a little lesson I learned recently. The last fellow I dated complained that I "talked" too much - as in I told too many people too much about me/him/us. I think it made him feel overexposed and insecure. I selfishly thought he was silly. I was talking to my friends about what mattered to me - it had nothing to do with him really.

Since then, though, I've done some thinking. In an effort to honor his wishes I've tried to not discuss him anymore with friends or family. ALSO (now this may come as a surprise to some) I've restrained myself from discussing some very personal thoughts with some people. I've wanted to practice this behavior and even though the guy isn't a part of my life now I want to honor what I learned from the relationship at least. On this blog I tell some stuff that I wonder if I really should tell, but that's one reason I try to maintain the anonymity. Since I've started doing this I have to say I feel great!

In fact, I was thinking the other day about how when someone is going through a really hard time everyone has to ask "how are you doing" and that person gets sick of the question. It's not like life gets better or easier and so that question becomes increasingly depressing. I don't think said person will ever be able to get out of that sad state with continued discussion focusing on it. In terms of my dating life, every time someone asks "how is Phil" I get talking and thinking and obsessing and next thing I know there is little left of meaning in my life other than the Phil drama. And the more I talk about Phil the more people need to ask about him.

As older single women we hate being asked "why aren't you married yet" but then it seems that's the only topic we discuss. The bigger deal you make of something the bigger deal it becomes. I don't want all my friend relationships to be based on the latest progress of my Phil relationship. So I've decided that I want to have my life less Phil oriented and just more me oriented. That won't affect my blogging here - so no worries - but I have to say I'm a believer in sharing less. After all, the only people who know what is best in a relationship are the two people in it. I think I'll do better in my next relationship if I don't try to include 10 of my closest friends who have all the best and kindest intentions.

Sorry - I think that was a bit rambly, but I hope you catch my drift!