The Fruits of My Labors (Kris)

All the sleep I've missed maintaining three dating sites is starting to pay off. I had my first date last week. I wasn't expecting much but was pleasantly surprised. I think I mentioned that I thought he was a little old for me, and I wasn't too impressed with his profile. I was thinking I could go and just check off the first internet date. I had it in my head that I'd be going out on quite a few dates before I was interested in someone. He surprised me. He was cute and very interesting. Honestly, it freaked me out a little. I realize you don't know a lot after a two hour dinner, but enough that I'd like to know more about him. He's out of town for two weeks, but he said he'd call when he got back. I also got a very nice "thank you" email from him the next day before he left town. So, we'll see where that goes in a couple of weeks.

In the meantime, I think I have dates 2 and 3 coming up this week. One is the first guy who called me. I was impressed with the conversation but then didn't hear from him for a couple of weeks. Then last week he called a lot (mostly leaving messages). We finally talked a couple of nights ago and are, supposedly, going to lunch this week. The second conversation wasn't as impressive as the first. I like quirky men- I'd even say I'm attracted to a certain amount of quirkiness- but there is quirky/endearing and quirky/annoying. I'm not sure which he's going to fit into. Lunch will be interesting.

I'm looking forward to date three. He's actually the only guy I've initiated conversation with online. I just sent a flirt (I know, I hate when guys do that, but it worked). We've emailed a number of times and he asked for my number to get together this weekend. He's a triathlete, pretty cute from his photos, and has a nice humor that comes across in his emails. Well see...

So that is three dates, one from each of the sites I'm on. I think that is interesting. With all my judging of which site is best, they've all yielded a date in about the same amount of time.

On LDS Promise- I finally heard back from that guy I've dated before. He just thanked me for the compliments, returned them very kindly and continued with a regular email. I don't get it. His emails make me think he's interested in continuing communication but he doesn't seem too keen on going out. Whatever. I do think he is a nice, quality person. I don't think I have to date everyone that I'm drawn to. Sometimes the attraction means different things. So I guess I'll be OK being email buddies for a while.

Funnily enough (is funnily a word) I got sent a match of another guy I have a little history with. I met him online last fall. He called once, then nothing happened. I wasn't sure what to do with the match so I just let it sit. He initiated the normal process- sending prewritten questions by the dating site. I'm not sure if he remembers me or not. I would think that if he did, he would have just sent a message. Do I put a little personal note in one of my responses? Or just go through the process and see what happens? I've just left it hanging out there without a response for a few days. I'm not too motivated to proceed, but I probably will get to it eventually.

So there it is. I'm actually quite pleased with how it's gone so far which I guess is just one good date. But I'll take it!! :)

Various Thoughts on Internet Dating (Kris)

(When I started this blog, I was very clear that I didn't want it to become a forum for ragging on men. I want it to be positive, yet honest. So this entry is complaining a bit about on-line dating, but hopefully it's more discussing some frustrations. I'm still very open and positive about meeting people online.)

I've been surprised that the LDS Promise website hasn't been as fruitful as the others. At first it seemed much better, but I've had longer, more significant contact from the other sites. In fact, I have my first face-to-face (a.k.a. date) this week.

Which leads me to a point I want to make and, hopefully, not sound like the crazy bonehead who called Bridget last week. I think some people are on line just to feel like they are doing something regarding their dating lives, but really they aren't doing anything, just creating the appearance of doing something. I think there are many cases when "something" is really "nothing"- like my first two times on line. I knew I needed to be putting forth effort, but really wasn't comfortable meeting someone online. It can be the same with going to firesides, dances, whatever- you show up to feel like you're doing something, but once you're there you don't do whatever you need to in order to meet someone or put yourself out there. You (meaning me) go, not willing to do anything except be there, just waiting for a sign from heaven or hoping Mr. Right happens to sit right next to you. Or what about self-help books? You really feel like you're doing something, working on yourself, improving, but if you never get your nose out of the book, leave the house, and put it to use, it's just an excuse to stay home. I realize there are helpful books out there, and I'm not saying they can't help us learn and change. I'm just saying if you really want to change things in your life if may take more than posting a profile online and calling it good. Anyway, I feel like I meet men online and it goes to a point, then they disappear. Casual conversation is good, but it seems a lot of guys don't want much more.

Some guys are also really bad, or maybe just don't care, at the online approach. One guy sent me almost every flirt possible over a two day period. Ya- if I'm not responding to the first 5, I'm not interested! I'm not into the online flirt much. I usually just delete them and respond to messages. Maybe this is being too picky on my part. But if someone is interested, a couple lines shouldn't be too difficult and makes them much more attractive. (This is funny because I'm like this IRL too. I don't know how to deal with it when someone I don't know starts flirting with me; I just get flustered. I totally prefer the direct approach.)

Another surprising thing online is that I've realized, being almost 40, that my dating pool consists largely of middle-aged men. This was shocking. I look at these photos and think, "I'm not that old." I spent a few weekends ago with married friends that I've known since college and tried to imagine what the men would look like if I didn't know them. I couldn't do it. They just didn't look that old to me, even though I know they are. It's been an adjustment but I'm trying to be open to men whose photo look more like my dad than my date. :)

So the guy I'm going out with this week is also surprising. He's definitely at the upper age range of what I'd consider appropriate to date. Some stuff in his profile bugged me too, like he's specifically looking for someone younger. But you know, he started with a good email and made me feel interesting. Yes, I'm a sucker for flattery. We'll see how it goes.

Guacamole,the deciding factor (Bridget)

So, I had a first conversation a couple of nights ago with my newest internet possibility, I'll call him Dodger guy. My roommates, Liz and Dre and I have been known to give new guys nicknames until they have earned the status of actually being called by their God given name. There has been What's his face, an editor of films in L.A, Baseball Guy,a triple A baseball player, and Vegas guy, a cop..who didn't make it anywhere near being called his actual name. With the line up of men that I have come across,there seems to be no rhyme or reason to why I actually do give a guy a chance or really any good reason to cast them aside. I have been known to drop a guy for really minor reasons, such as one guy didn't know what Stratford Upon Avon was. That just seemed really unforgiveable at the time. Another guy gave me a scare when he said he had never heard of the Indigo Girls. Now, I'm a fan, but not a huge fan, and ultimately I think it really came to the notion that a person that is aware of their surroundings, and that grew up in the 80's would have AT LEAST heard of the Indigo Girls. Weird reasoning on my part? Yes absolutely. And I'm aware that it is. On the other hand, I have given my heart to others in spite of insurmountable issues, such as,well, one of us being gay and in another instance one of us living in New York City, to name only a couple. With talk in Marcia's blog about unavailable hearts,it has moved me to consider whether in fact,what I have on the surface considered as my ever availability,is actually monumental unavailability in disguise. I think I need help with this...because in a second anything can change..this new Dodger Guy could be unknowingly stepping into a mine field when he confesses that he say,doesn't like guacamole, and then I would be forced to reconsider my friendship with him, "what, who doesn't like guacamole, definitely not the man i'm meant to be with"....weird..i think i need help...and like Marcia says, the first thing is acknowledging it...where's that number for my therapist...this is not a good sign...

My Planet Experience (by Leah)

Bridgett inspired me. I must share my experience with LDSPlanet. I went on there to check out the profile of Phil, who I was dating at the time, but we weren't exclusive - heaven forbid he stop looking and try just focusing on one person - so I knew he was on there. I just wanted to see if he looked the same to me online as he did in person. He didn't. In fact I was reminded of why I haven't ever been able to do the Internet thing (I've only made half hearted attempts - like this one). When I look at men's profiles online I don't see candy - I see regurgitated food. It makes me a bit ill. In fact I find I start disliking men. I see them as shallow and not so attractive. Lame and poorly educated. They appear desperate and lost and confused and depressing. I know - I'm being extreme - but truthfully I have pretty extreme reactions. This time was no exception. I liked Phil a whole lot better in person! I had to remind myself that what I liked about him in person was what I'd probably like about all the other men in person. So after he found out I was checking him out he suddenly felt like I'd caught him cheating. Whatever. That quickly led to the end of what we had. But I stayed on there trying to be hopeful and productive. Besides, I'd paid a good 10 bucks - I wanted to get my money's worth. What I got was some pathetic man who was looking for a woman who was open minded in terms of intimacy and fun. I decided he didn't mean he was looking for a woman who thought it would be fun to attend an Obama for president rally together and discuss our inner views on the roles of government and the average citizen. When I told him I wasn't open minded in the way he wanted he quickly wrote me off and threw a parting insult my way. Yeah, I've avoided the online thing for good reasons - this experience didn't do much to change my view. Maybe some day. Good luck fellow bloggers - keep the hope alive!

Desperate Measures (Kris)

“There's someone out there for everyone - even if you need a pickax, a compass, and night goggles to find them.” – Steve Martin in LA Story

Am I the only one who feels like this? Where do you find men to date? The singles ward scene got too much for me a few months ago and I switched to my family ward; so going to church isn't much of a resource for dating. (I do find I’m enjoying church just being church and not a singles conference.) I work in a small office with the same 12 people every day, so I don't meet new people that way. I have a nice group of friends that includes some “datable” men but most of them fall into “dated”, “tried to date”, or “not interested in dating”. Where does that leave me?

My purpose in doing this blog was to motivate me to get out of my comfort zone. Anyone have great ideas or success meeting quality men? I’m up for trying anything, which I guess, unfortunately, includes the internet. Really, I don’t know where else to go.

I’ve tried internet dating briefly and was quite uncomfortable with it. I have a fear of strangers, plus I’ve seen too many episodes of Law and Order so I think everyone online is a liar or pervert. (not really, but sort of) I do know many people who have met online and it’s worked out well. If they can do it, then surely I can too. There is just a part of me that cringes when I think about it.

I feel like I have to make all sorts of disclaimers about why I post a profile online. It's a little embarrassing. Why do I feel like it’s a sign I’m desperate? Well... maybe I am. I enjoy the single life, but would like to be married and haven’t been too successful in finding the right guy. So is that desperate? Why not use all the resources available to meet new people.

I guess it’s decided. On-line I go. I’m guessing my first several posts will be about my on line experiences (assuming I will have some) and you, dear blog, can be my support system. Thanks.