Importance of Proof-reading (Marnie)

I mentioned before that I had decided to go online. I'm now on two LDS single websites. I've chosen LDSplanet and LDSSingles. I found LDSplanet to be a place where I attract men at least 10 to 15 years older than me. I can't tell you how discouraging that is! One email from a guy even said, "I wish you were younger! I'm old enough to be your dead." Yes, he typed "dead" instead of "dad." Even a better sign that we are NOT meant for each other.

I did find a cool feature that may cut down on communication from "older" gentlemen of that website. Under My Account, there is a section called "preferences." Under preferences, I can decide what age group can "view" me. Oh, it's a splendid feature!! I have limited it to 35 to 45 (I'm 38). That's the age range I'm comfortable with. Now, I am no longer getting creepy old guys sending me flirts like "love at first sight!" anymore! Now if they ONLY had that feature on LDSSingles...

LDSSingles tends to be more my style. I like how it shows more detailed information up front about the individual. I'm getting some emails from some guys my age which has been nice. One email asked me about my profile and wondered how I could hold a temple recommend if I said I never attended church. DOH!!! It appears that I failed to complete the profile and the default setting was "never attends church." It's been like this for at least a week and a half (when I first signed up) and for at least 3 emails I've sent out to potential guys that have not responded.

I since fixed it so it appropriately reflects who I am. I can only imagine what it would be like to get an email from a girl that is on a LDS website and specifically says, "never attends church." Not a good way to attract church going men - which I am looking for among other things.

So the lesson here? Double check your profile and proof-read! Oh, and change up the picture if it's not getting a good response. That helped too...

The Fruits of My Labors (Kris)

All the sleep I've missed maintaining three dating sites is starting to pay off. I had my first date last week. I wasn't expecting much but was pleasantly surprised. I think I mentioned that I thought he was a little old for me, and I wasn't too impressed with his profile. I was thinking I could go and just check off the first internet date. I had it in my head that I'd be going out on quite a few dates before I was interested in someone. He surprised me. He was cute and very interesting. Honestly, it freaked me out a little. I realize you don't know a lot after a two hour dinner, but enough that I'd like to know more about him. He's out of town for two weeks, but he said he'd call when he got back. I also got a very nice "thank you" email from him the next day before he left town. So, we'll see where that goes in a couple of weeks.

In the meantime, I think I have dates 2 and 3 coming up this week. One is the first guy who called me. I was impressed with the conversation but then didn't hear from him for a couple of weeks. Then last week he called a lot (mostly leaving messages). We finally talked a couple of nights ago and are, supposedly, going to lunch this week. The second conversation wasn't as impressive as the first. I like quirky men- I'd even say I'm attracted to a certain amount of quirkiness- but there is quirky/endearing and quirky/annoying. I'm not sure which he's going to fit into. Lunch will be interesting.

I'm looking forward to date three. He's actually the only guy I've initiated conversation with online. I just sent a flirt (I know, I hate when guys do that, but it worked). We've emailed a number of times and he asked for my number to get together this weekend. He's a triathlete, pretty cute from his photos, and has a nice humor that comes across in his emails. Well see...

So that is three dates, one from each of the sites I'm on. I think that is interesting. With all my judging of which site is best, they've all yielded a date in about the same amount of time.

On LDS Promise- I finally heard back from that guy I've dated before. He just thanked me for the compliments, returned them very kindly and continued with a regular email. I don't get it. His emails make me think he's interested in continuing communication but he doesn't seem too keen on going out. Whatever. I do think he is a nice, quality person. I don't think I have to date everyone that I'm drawn to. Sometimes the attraction means different things. So I guess I'll be OK being email buddies for a while.

Funnily enough (is funnily a word) I got sent a match of another guy I have a little history with. I met him online last fall. He called once, then nothing happened. I wasn't sure what to do with the match so I just let it sit. He initiated the normal process- sending prewritten questions by the dating site. I'm not sure if he remembers me or not. I would think that if he did, he would have just sent a message. Do I put a little personal note in one of my responses? Or just go through the process and see what happens? I've just left it hanging out there without a response for a few days. I'm not too motivated to proceed, but I probably will get to it eventually.

So there it is. I'm actually quite pleased with how it's gone so far which I guess is just one good date. But I'll take it!! :)

Various Thoughts on Internet Dating (Kris)

(When I started this blog, I was very clear that I didn't want it to become a forum for ragging on men. I want it to be positive, yet honest. So this entry is complaining a bit about on-line dating, but hopefully it's more discussing some frustrations. I'm still very open and positive about meeting people online.)

I've been surprised that the LDS Promise website hasn't been as fruitful as the others. At first it seemed much better, but I've had longer, more significant contact from the other sites. In fact, I have my first face-to-face (a.k.a. date) this week.

Which leads me to a point I want to make and, hopefully, not sound like the crazy bonehead who called Bridget last week. I think some people are on line just to feel like they are doing something regarding their dating lives, but really they aren't doing anything, just creating the appearance of doing something. I think there are many cases when "something" is really "nothing"- like my first two times on line. I knew I needed to be putting forth effort, but really wasn't comfortable meeting someone online. It can be the same with going to firesides, dances, whatever- you show up to feel like you're doing something, but once you're there you don't do whatever you need to in order to meet someone or put yourself out there. You (meaning me) go, not willing to do anything except be there, just waiting for a sign from heaven or hoping Mr. Right happens to sit right next to you. Or what about self-help books? You really feel like you're doing something, working on yourself, improving, but if you never get your nose out of the book, leave the house, and put it to use, it's just an excuse to stay home. I realize there are helpful books out there, and I'm not saying they can't help us learn and change. I'm just saying if you really want to change things in your life if may take more than posting a profile online and calling it good. Anyway, I feel like I meet men online and it goes to a point, then they disappear. Casual conversation is good, but it seems a lot of guys don't want much more.

Some guys are also really bad, or maybe just don't care, at the online approach. One guy sent me almost every flirt possible over a two day period. Ya- if I'm not responding to the first 5, I'm not interested! I'm not into the online flirt much. I usually just delete them and respond to messages. Maybe this is being too picky on my part. But if someone is interested, a couple lines shouldn't be too difficult and makes them much more attractive. (This is funny because I'm like this IRL too. I don't know how to deal with it when someone I don't know starts flirting with me; I just get flustered. I totally prefer the direct approach.)

Another surprising thing online is that I've realized, being almost 40, that my dating pool consists largely of middle-aged men. This was shocking. I look at these photos and think, "I'm not that old." I spent a few weekends ago with married friends that I've known since college and tried to imagine what the men would look like if I didn't know them. I couldn't do it. They just didn't look that old to me, even though I know they are. It's been an adjustment but I'm trying to be open to men whose photo look more like my dad than my date. :)

So the guy I'm going out with this week is also surprising. He's definitely at the upper age range of what I'd consider appropriate to date. Some stuff in his profile bugged me too, like he's specifically looking for someone younger. But you know, he started with a good email and made me feel interesting. Yes, I'm a sucker for flattery. We'll see how it goes.

So Far So Good (Kris)

This internet thing isn't half bad (this time). I've done it twice before, and really not liked it. I think the difference is my attitude. The first time I was on, I was embarrassed about it and nervous about meeting guys. I think I have a bit of an unnatural fear of strangers. I ended up only conversing with guys out of state, probably so I would never actually have to meet anyone. After two months, I deleted my profile. That was about four years ago.

The next time was a little better, but I still was only half committed to it. I emailed a few guys, went out a couple of times with one guy who was very nice, but not the guy for me. I was on about three months, then left. That was about 9 months ago.

This time, I just decided to go for it. No more fear. I really want to meet people and, thanks to Bridget, I'm not ashamed to boldly declare, "I'm online!"

I posted earlier how I wasn't liking some of the traditional sites. It's just so time consuming and I don't like the open profile set up. However, in the past week, I've started emailing at least one guy on each site, none of whom I'm super excited about, but they seem nice enough and we'll see how/if it evolves. Two of the three guys are out of state.

LDS Promise has seemed much more suited to what I'm looking for. I've gone through the whole question/answer process with one guy. He called this week and we chatted for almost an hour. It was refreshing. It seems the last few years I find myself thinking, "I just want to date an adult." When I hung up from this guy, I felt like I just had a conversation with a grown up. He seemed quite normal and was a good conversationalist. This was also refreshing. He really took responsibility for keeping the conversation going, asked appropriate questions, and answered in informative, yet not verbose, responses. Amazing. One other guy and I are about through the question/answer process. His responses haven't been very long, so we'll see what happens with a phone call. Both are local.

The other interesting thing that happened with LDS Promise was one of the first matches that got sent to me was a guy I went out with a couple of years ago. I had a really nice time with him and he emailed the next day to say he had a really good time too. Then... nothing. No second date. A few weeks later, I invited him to come to a group movie night and it felt a little awkward. That seemed to be the end of it. So, when I saw his profile pop up, I was excited. Trying to live in reality, I realize that there was a reason he didn't ask me out again which may not have changed, but I'm hopeful and wanting to explore it a little. I bypassed all the question/answer stuff and just sent him an email. We've emailed back and forth a couple of times now, and he is complimentary and asks questions to keep the email thread going. I'm not sure what to do with it. I'm tempted to just put it all out there and tell him I was bummed he didn't ask me out again. Or I could just send some hints in the email about going out and let it be his idea. I'm leaning toward the first option. Any advice?

Guacamole,the deciding factor (Bridget)

So, I had a first conversation a couple of nights ago with my newest internet possibility, I'll call him Dodger guy. My roommates, Liz and Dre and I have been known to give new guys nicknames until they have earned the status of actually being called by their God given name. There has been What's his face, an editor of films in L.A, Baseball Guy,a triple A baseball player, and Vegas guy, a cop..who didn't make it anywhere near being called his actual name. With the line up of men that I have come across,there seems to be no rhyme or reason to why I actually do give a guy a chance or really any good reason to cast them aside. I have been known to drop a guy for really minor reasons, such as one guy didn't know what Stratford Upon Avon was. That just seemed really unforgiveable at the time. Another guy gave me a scare when he said he had never heard of the Indigo Girls. Now, I'm a fan, but not a huge fan, and ultimately I think it really came to the notion that a person that is aware of their surroundings, and that grew up in the 80's would have AT LEAST heard of the Indigo Girls. Weird reasoning on my part? Yes absolutely. And I'm aware that it is. On the other hand, I have given my heart to others in spite of insurmountable issues, such as,well, one of us being gay and in another instance one of us living in New York City, to name only a couple. With talk in Marcia's blog about unavailable hearts,it has moved me to consider whether in fact,what I have on the surface considered as my ever availability,is actually monumental unavailability in disguise. I think I need help with this...because in a second anything can change..this new Dodger Guy could be unknowingly stepping into a mine field when he confesses that he say,doesn't like guacamole, and then I would be forced to reconsider my friendship with him, "what, who doesn't like guacamole, definitely not the man i'm meant to be with"....weird..i think i need help...and like Marcia says, the first thing is acknowledging it...where's that number for my therapist...this is not a good sign...

Desperate Measures (Kris)

“There's someone out there for everyone - even if you need a pickax, a compass, and night goggles to find them.” – Steve Martin in LA Story

Am I the only one who feels like this? Where do you find men to date? The singles ward scene got too much for me a few months ago and I switched to my family ward; so going to church isn't much of a resource for dating. (I do find I’m enjoying church just being church and not a singles conference.) I work in a small office with the same 12 people every day, so I don't meet new people that way. I have a nice group of friends that includes some “datable” men but most of them fall into “dated”, “tried to date”, or “not interested in dating”. Where does that leave me?

My purpose in doing this blog was to motivate me to get out of my comfort zone. Anyone have great ideas or success meeting quality men? I’m up for trying anything, which I guess, unfortunately, includes the internet. Really, I don’t know where else to go.

I’ve tried internet dating briefly and was quite uncomfortable with it. I have a fear of strangers, plus I’ve seen too many episodes of Law and Order so I think everyone online is a liar or pervert. (not really, but sort of) I do know many people who have met online and it’s worked out well. If they can do it, then surely I can too. There is just a part of me that cringes when I think about it.

I feel like I have to make all sorts of disclaimers about why I post a profile online. It's a little embarrassing. Why do I feel like it’s a sign I’m desperate? Well... maybe I am. I enjoy the single life, but would like to be married and haven’t been too successful in finding the right guy. So is that desperate? Why not use all the resources available to meet new people.

I guess it’s decided. On-line I go. I’m guessing my first several posts will be about my on line experiences (assuming I will have some) and you, dear blog, can be my support system. Thanks.