Do I want to be the Pot or the Kettle? (Stella)

I am dating a new man. Yea!! right? Um, no. I stopped getting excited about new relationships years ago. Now I approach them like I'm walking up quietly on a venomous snake that will snap my neck in two if I startle it. Somehow in my head I'll find my husband when I can get my arms around the scary snake before he notices I'm there. Unfortunately, for me that's what relationships have become. Everyone says - Have fun! Enjoy it! I laugh a dry, sarcastic laugh and say uh-huh. To my sweet married friends who didn't date past the age of 23 and have absolutely no idea the trauma of adult dating I tell them - you go and have 8 miscarriages and then tell me you're excited when you get pregnant again. A rather gruesome analogy but it gets my point across.

So this new fellow...he's great. Not just great, amazing. A 'real' grownup with a career, a home, and a life prepared to provide for a family. He is marriage minded and makes it very clear that I am being evaluated for future wifehood. That makes him sound methodical and cunning but he's quite the opposite. Despite being scarred by a painful divorce he is open and honest with his feelings, his fears, and his hopes. He treats me like a princess and trips over himself to take care of me. He's the kind of guy I've waited decades for. I'm having a wonderful time and feeling all those warm fuzzy feelings and yet...

I'm freaking out.

Why? Because THIS ONE is different. It feels totally different - as if it has real possibility. This one is all the things the others were not and this one just might be it. Funnily, I find myself (inside anyway) acting just like the men from my past who were so happy to be in a relationship until it turned serious and then they were clawing to get away. I absolutely refuse to let fear ruin my future or my possibilities so I charge ahead and tell "the jerk" (my special name for satan) to jump in a ditch 'cause I'm not listening!

That said I find it hysterical that I find myself (through honest means of heart shattering experiences) acting just like those men I've dated before who let their fears and insecurities make their decisions for them. I hate that and I absolutely refuse to be that person but it's interesting none the less that these feelings are so powerful.

The future is not yet decided and we're certainly not at a point of making any announcements but I thought I would throw out these thoughts and remind myself of my favorite Book of Mormon verse:

Moroni 7: 12 - Wherefore, all things which are good cometh of God; and that which is evil cometh of the devil; for the devil is an enemy unto God, and fighteth against him continually, and inviteth and enticeth to sin, and to do that which is evil continually.

In honor of my future family I say - If the jerk can't find a ditch I have a few other suggestions...

One More Success Story! (Marnie)

No, I'm not engaged, but a close friend of mine is! I'm SO excited for her! It has been a really long relationship (we are talking many years). I know it was a tough road with lots of good times and LOTS of tears. But she made it and now she's getting married! She's my age and frankly, I LOVE to hear success stories about women my age somehow finding a good man finally ready to be married. It's wonderful! It gives me hope.

As much joy as I have for her, I mourn over my own situation. I remember so many of our talks over the last 13 years we've known each other - talking about the men in our lives, our difficulty in dating and the faith it takes to just keep going. She made it! I know she hasn't any idea how she got where she is. She just kept persevering.

But what have I done in those last 13 years? I've actually come a long way. A REALLY long way! And she'll even whole-heartedly agree with me! I've attended dating workshops, read multiple dating/relationship books, made multiple goals, which has resulted in taking more risks, conquering fears, getting out of my comfort zone and dating more than I ever have. I even dated a couple of really great men for a little while.

But then I look at her relationship and realize, even after all I've accomplished, I haven't even gotten CLOSE to a relationship that would end in marriage. I just couldn't seem to get there. She's covered so much distance on a road I've never gone on - heck, I don't even know where that road starts! It's like that road is a secret freeway, and I can't find the on-ramp to a serious relationship. I keep driving up and down the street frantically searching for that on-ramp and still coming up short becoming completely lost. It's not from a lack of trying or desire. Oh, how I yearn for it! But it hasn't been my turn yet.

I think I need a GPS.

I'm not sure what's in the water lately, but she is the fourth friend in my midst to get engaged/married in 6 months, which is just unheard of in my circle of friends. It's a miracle! It's glorious! And it's just downright depressing.

Yeah, I know...it's another test of faith. Another opportunity to decide if I'm going to trust God and keep going or spit on the ground and give up. It would be so easy to give up.

But I can't. So I'll keep trying. Trying not to be too jealous of her finally moving to another phase in her life and me being left behind to wonder and worry because I haven't even found a boyfriend yet - let alone a husband. And I'll try not to drown in the feeling that this just isn't ever going to happen for me no matter how hard I try. I've just got to fight that feeling! I can't listen to that voice in my head that speaks of my biggest fears. I just can't.

So I will just keep going forward with as much faith I can muster each day. And just like my newly engaged friend, I'll keep taking risks and be patient. And persevere. Yep, that's all you can do.

Boys and Books (Leah)

Oops - it's me again, despite my threat to take a month off. I just had to post before I forgot the thought. I finished a book not too long ago where the main male character and female character's relationship reminded me of an old relationship of mine. He and she definitely cared for each other and there was definitely chemistry. He wanted to marry her but instead she married another man, a bit duller. She never exactly says why and they never lose their zing or connectedness - but by the end you come to understand that in terms of marriage her husband really was the better choice. She asks the main guy to stay her friend, actually I think she asks him to be friends with her daughters. The setting was the late 1800's and it was not common for girls to grow up capable of intelligent conversation and this woman is definitely a thinker - you can tell that one thing she loves about the guy is his respect for her wit. What makes her husband a better option for marriage, though, is that he's stable and reliable and capable of giving her a home in which to raise daughters in the first place. The main guy she really loves tends to love adventure and travel and danger more. He believes he loves her enough to marry her, but she can see that really he would not be the man she loves if he did settle down in the family way. I know that one of the Phils I've loved definitely loved me. I believe he wanted to marry me but for whatever reason he couldn't commit to that way of life. One of the things we share that really feeds our love is our conversation and analytical tendencies. In retrospect I'm glad he couldn't settle down. I don't think in the long run I'd really be happy. Sure I miss the wit and banter and fun of dating him, but that's not what a woman builds a marriage and home life on. So the new Phil may not have the same energy and flow of conversation and adventure, but he's strong and good and offers hope of a real future. That's the sort of man a woman needs. I think. Anyway, it's just me identifying with a character in a book probably so maybe I'm reading too much into it.

Negativity is our downfall… (Marnie)

Have you ever had a day where you wake up and it all seems so pointless? Like nothing is in your control concerning the most important things in your life? Like there is no way on earth you will EVER find a guy you can connect with - let alone have a relationship with and get married to?

I woke up on Monday feeling that way. I was so annoyed, though! I had been feeling really good these last few months with just a few bumps here and there. I know my milestones have been small, but they have felt very good. And I’ve been “working it” with a couple of very cool guys I’ve met recently. I even had hope that maybe one of them would ask me out sometime soon!

But this Sunday was less than a productive day on my standards and I didn’t get to connect with the individuals I wanted to. And I even felt a little trapped – whether from my own insecurities and lack of guts to introduce myself to the cute guy I saw at church – to my surroundings of isolating myself behind my group of friends. It just all felt icky! I was disappointed in me and the day. And it felt like I had taken a huge step BACKWARDS from all of my progress.

Well, normally I get in that funk of negativity and just wallow there for some time – days, weeks, years, it would just depend. But it made me mad on Monday morning that I was feeling that way. I didn’t want to feel that way! And then I realized that I was mad at the wrong person (that ranged from me, to the guys that didn’t say hi, to the stranger that didn’t try to meet me, etc.). I realized all the negative thoughts were from Satan* – the very person that DOESN’T want me to be happy with the current marital status I am. He WANTS me to be annoyed that things are not going exactly as I had planned in life. He wants me to be bitter about my prospects or lack of prospects. He wants me to blame everyone for my “so terrible a predicament” so that I can run around screaming “Life isn’t far! Life isn’t fair!!! Someone just LOVE ME!!!”

Geez! I need to get a grip! And luckily I did! Bad days can start, but they don’t have to stick around. It took all of my energy – which I often lack on a Monday - to just snap myself out of it and refuse to listen to the lies I was hearing in my head. It took almost a conscious, physical effort to do so, even though everything was in my mind.

I had a chance to go to a gathering on that Monday night and I decided I wasn’t going to retreat and hide when the chance came to meet someone new – male or female. I was going to just be the best me! The “me” that really is happy most of the time with where I’m at. I just want more! But I’m not miserable about not having that more yet. (Ok, some days I am – but that was not that day!)

SO I smiled, practiced my “security guard” stare and just tried to be as friendly as possible. Result? I got asked out! I couldn’t go – it was for a day I had obligations I couldn’t get out of. But alas! I felt really good to be asked out! And he’s a cool, cute guy! (It’s my first date offer since Rebound) I reiterated that I would love to go out with him another time – we’ll see if he is up for it. But even if he doesn’t ask me again, it was nice to be noticed and appreciated enough by a guy who wanted to spend one-on-one time with me! And that sure wouldn’t have happened if I had caved and listened to the negative voice in my head that said “all is lost – just quit – it isn’t worth the pain. Just stay home and sulk.”

That Satan. Yeah, I hate him! He’s totally evil. Don’t let anyone else tell you differently! And for Heaven’s sake, don’t listen to him when he gets in your head!

* In the LDS religion, Satan is a very real entity. The following is a description of Satan’s role: “Heavenly Father allows Satan and Satan's followers to tempt us as part of our experience in mortality. Because Satan "seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself" (2 Nephi 2:27), he and his followers try to lead us away from righteousness. He directs his most strenuous opposition at the most important aspects of Heavenly Father's plan of happiness.” [To me, that includes marriage and having the desire to marry]. (Reference: Gospel Topics: Satan, www.lds.org)