Tuesday, November 4, 2008

All Bark and No Bite (Lorelai)

It is easy to talk big to tell your friends, your family, and your mother that you are back in the game. But when it comes right down to it, talking is way easier than doing. This may be true of many things, going back to school, getting the drivers license renewed on time, cleaning out a closet. I plan on doing it at some point and I talk about it but actually doing it is something else.

So I have talked a lot about this whole dating thing to friends and family (and yes even my mother – honestly what was I thinking her hopes are up, way up! Poor sweet wonderful woman). I have done a lot of talking but not so much doing. On Halloween I decided to do some ‘doing’ and went to a very fun party, costume and all, but once I got there I felt completely out of my element. Fortunately I had friends there that kept me smiling but interacting, talking to people (especially men) that I don’t know is way harder than I remember. So is it harder or am I just that out of practice?

I have been pondering that question for the past few days. And I decided that the answer is yes to both. Not only was I married for five years but after my divorce almost four years ago I have pretty much avoided men. I am out of practice.

The yes answer to the other half of the question was a bit more problematic because is it harder? Is it more difficult to meet men, talk to men, and get asked out on a date? Or is it me being closed (even though I say I am open?). The rules of this game have changed and I didn’t get the updated manual. I honestly feel like an innocent bystander watching a game from the stands that got thrown in for the big play. Throw me back in the stands. I don’t want to try! A stubborn internal battle is going on, one part of me says if it ain’t broke don’t fix it; stay home, be a mom don’t worry about this at all. But then there is this other part of me that says you have to try. You have to because that part of me wants to be in a loving relationship where we can face daily joys and challenges together.

So today I am feeling a little bit like I am all bark and no bite. I am not giving up, I just got started. But today, just today, I think I will hang out on the side lines.


marcia said...

Good for you getting back into the game! And even if you're on the side lines (just for today) you're still in the game! Hang in there. We're cheering for you!

Leah said...

Ah, the game. How we all struggle internally to want to be in the game. It really is so very comfortable up there in the stands. In fact, I wonder how much I've been in it lately. I've been doing a decent amount of talking, mind you, but playing... well, I intend to very soon... tomorrow?

p.s. Very strange - but the word verification is one letter off from being my REAL name!