Its All About Your Attitude (Marnie)

I gave some unsolicited advice to someone very close to me the other day and ended up offending her very deeply. I sometimes do that. I think I can help and it just makes things worse. Sometimes I worry that I'll do that here. I've learned some lessons through my experiences, but by no means do I think I have all the answers or know more than others. Or, that my apparent solution to my problems will work for anyone else. But because I'm supposed to discuss my experiences, I'm going to go ahead and talk about an observation I've made about myself - and pray I don't offend anyone or come off as smug or self-righteous!

When I moved to my young adult ward after I graduated from college eons ago, I was a much different person than I am now. Although I was well liked by others and got along great with people, I was bitter. Bitter against dating and guys. I blamed everything on the other sex for all my lack of dating and made it the excuse as to why I wasn't married. It wasn't always coming out of my mouth, but looking back now, it was way too often. (And I wondered why guys never asked me out!)

The comments I made were often saying that guys didn't step up to the plate enough and ask girls out. Or, that they didn't want to get married and follow God's plan. Or, that they just loved being single too much and didn't want to grow up and be an adult by committing to someone. Basically, men were the problem I wasn't married and they were even the enemy in my eyes.

I'm sure I believed it to a point. But really I didn't think all guys were bad. But blaming someone else for my problems was just tons easier than having faith that there were good guys out there. Because if there really were good guys out there that were looking for a wife, that would mean I wasn't good enough to be a contenders! (talk about a "defense mechanism"!)

With this terrible attitude, I really think that gave me a very bad reputation in the ward and put off a horrible vibe. I never lacked guy friends, but real dating potentials were nowhere to be found. Because who wants to take out a girl that thinks you are the enemy and that you won't ever live up to her standard? It seems so clear now how I was sabotaging myself, but at the time I had no idea what I was doing wrong.

To overcome this thinking process I required a major attitude adjustment. It took a lot of time and honest effort to get over that negative thinking and in it's place give across an openness and welcoming attitude toward men.

I had to stop making generalizations about guys and stop being so negative and pessimistic. I had to pray to get help to change that! I had to start looking for the positive in the single men I knew and tried to give credit when it was due. And I had to get over my pride and admit I was wrong about my perceptions. This came after MANY humbling experiences. (Praying for humility usually hurts A LOT but it did get the ball rolling...)

Overcoming that bitterness changed my dating life completely. I've dated more in the last 4 years then I ever did between the ages 16 to 33. And I have had 2 significant relationships (out of the overall 3 I've had!) They say you attract what you put out to the world and I think that change of attitude was a direct result of that.

And although there are days I've gotten discouraged with my "dating pool," I've tried HARD not to focus on that. Having that bitterness hiding inside of you eventually spews out in conversation and attitude. I'm terrible at hiding my real emotions anyway, so trying to hide that doesn't work with me. So I have to physically stop myself and try to get back on track of showing true charity to the male population. Because really, isn't that why we have marriage? To bring the sexes together and exhibit unconditional love and charity?

Plus, people get married all the time! There has to be men committing and stepping up to the plate if there are people getting married! And if they can get married, so can I! And if I'm not married, maybe I'M the one holding ME back!

Soul Mate Part II (Leah)

Maybe I mislabeled my previous post. I didn't really want to discuss what a "soul mate" is or isn't - just that I was trying to figure out if Phil and I are connecting enough. I only used the "good Mormon girl" label because of the principle taught by Pres. Kimball that any good man and any good woman can marry and that there is no such thing as a soul mate in the sense of a one and only. I've often rallied behind that statement in discussions with friends who are looking for the magical moment of connecting with that dreamed of and longed for soul mate. I do agree with "anonymous" that relationships can transcend typical relationships. I have people in my life that I connect with on very deep levels, but I still argue that that connection is not proof or argument for marrying. For one thing, many of those soul mates I have are women or married friends - where marriage isn't an option. As someone who has A LOT of friends, I can't say I believe I'll be friends with that soul mate forever. I think certain relationships can connect at the soul level at specific times and in specific situations. Like Bryan - maybe we're really connected on a certain level - but considering I'm playing an anonymous part marriage isn't an option.

Now, as far as marriage is concerned, I'd like to put forth the idea I strongly adhere to, that soul mates are made, not found. A good man and a good woman make each other soul mates by having many heart to heart binding experiences - working and sharing and building a relationship makes for very strong soul mates, the kind that prophets and their wives exemplify.

So... what do you think of that?

Soul Mate (Leah)

So as a good Mormon girl, I don't really believe in "soul mates" but I do believe you can find a man who more closely matches what you need/want more than not. At this age, though, it's easy to believe that NO one will ever be a very good match. When I say "match" I guess I mean someone that has all your values and complements you in a perfectly balanced way allowing you to shine and feel like the best you ever. Hmmm, as I type this I feel like I'm sounding like someone who has given up the dream - like someone NOT in love. Well, I'm not. Phil is good and we're connecting but more and more I'm finding areas where we're rather different. So I started reading a book about knowing if the guy you are dating is a good match - the book calls him a "soul mate." I don't want to throw the book out all together, but I do have in mind the principle that any good woman and any good man can make a rather good couple. I'm just in that stage with Phil where I want to know more NOW so that I don't fall deeper in and don't get hurt and don't hurt him, etc. The areas where we're different are in those gray areas that aren't exactly major values but could be. So I'm asking myself which things are really most important to me. How do I really define myself - that sort of thing. But when I talk to married people about this they keep saying things like, "That's minor - you can deal with that - don't give up a really great thing for something only sort of great - don't trade your eternity for something so temporal...." You following? Probably you've been there. Well, I'm there - again. When will this get easier? I think this is where we start questioning how much we value our freedom and independence as single people and question our life long goal of getting married. It reminds me of the song: "Who's on the Lord's Side Who." Like a post I made earlier - I'm going to forget Phil and forget me and just try to be on the Lord's side - not obsessed with dating. :) Wish me luck.

follow-up and a bit about me (Scully)

So I thought Captain Mal's reaction was pretty great. He was very positive. Didn't act mad or put out at all. Thanked me for taking the time so far and that he'd be more than happy to wait until he was free and single. He was very sweet. Wished me well in the meantime, but hoped that in six months or so we'd be able to pick-up where we'd left off. Whew! Frankly, that gave him points right there.

Okay so a bit about me. But nothing too specific since I'm still paranoid about the anonymous situation. (The truth is out there, but everyone is watching you try to find it! Yeah, like anyone really cares:).)
• Make my living as an artist of sorts. 1 condo, 1 car, 1 kitty. Just outside of Salt Lake City.
• Youngest of 4 — 2 boys in the middle, 2 girls on the ends. Pretty close with all. 12 nieces and nephews.
• Mother deceased 5 yrs ago. Father re-married 3 yrs ago. That one did a number on my whole perspective on the sealing situation. Not in a bad way necessarily. He's sealed to both. Think about THAT one deeply for a while.
• Just turned 39. Don't think about it too much.
• Didn't really date for reals until my 30s. The man of my 20s recently broke up with the man of his 30s and is on now to the man of his 40s. We're still good friends. Boyfriend from high school is living in Switzerland with his husband. We were okay friends until about a year ago. He still brought a beard (if you don't know what this means it's when a gay man brings a woman as his date) to the 20 yr reunion. Sheesh, get over yourself already.
• Was briefly engaged once. Couldn't get beyond the facts that he didn't have a job and didn't like my family very much. Roller coaster ride.
• Next serious relationship—another roller coaster. Started dating like the week he was divorced. 5 kids. Didn't know yet how to take care of them let alone someone else. Seemed to me like he was mad at all the women in his life. Didn't bring out the best in each other. This was going on during and after my mother's death. I think we were both in a space where we needed someone. Feel like I cleared with him, but don't keep in contact with him anymore.

I feel like I have a great life and enjoy many aspects of being single, but do love having a man in my life and know that there are many things I will only be able to learn about myself and others by being married. I feel like I've made the right decisions about my relationships in the past. With some of them it took me a while to get there, but I don't have regrets. Would love to move into something lasting.

a bit of a "whew" (Scully)

So, I just sent Captain Mal an e-mail saying that I would love to try continuing this relationship when he's actually officially single. We'll see if there's a response. I gave him no guarantees I would be around when that time comes, but if it's good, it will eventually work out. I don't want to be someone's secret or feel the need to lie about the relationship to well meaning questioners. For the best. Some of you are probably screaming a big, DUH! to that in your heads right now, but I'm a little slow when it comes to things like this. If it were someone else I'd be screaming DUH! too, but I tend to get a little blind when it's me.

I had dinner with Rod the other night. When ended up talking for 2hrs before dinner. Nothing deep or anything, just an enjoyable conversation and catching up that makes you forget the time. After dinner we watched a couple of episodes of a tv series we like and I was home by about 11. It was a good evening. Having taken our relationship down a couple of notches, I could ask him questions about his other friends who are girls without my jealousy horns and talons coming out and the fact that he forgot my birthday didn't make me want to use those horns and talons to either gore or disembowel him. This is good.

Trying (Leah)

I'm trying to think of good blogworthy thoughts and little comes to mind. I'm also trying to think of how I feel about new Phil and nothing is especially driving me in either direction. We keep going out and having a good time. I think I'm getting to know him better and I know I like what I see, but I still wonder if what I see will gel much with what I am. How can you tell? I ask myself this every time I date a Phil. Sometimes I wonder if I'm too much of a chameleon and if the problem is that I'm not really sure of who/what I am. Usually I just conclude that I'm multi-faceted and adjust well to new situations - nothing wrong with that. I have broad interests - bring on the guy who is different from me - all the better! But each time I do some major wondering. He's really good and has even inspired me to improve certain areas of my life. I like people who inspire me to try to be better. Anyway, we're still just taking it one day at a time. The last Phil was so isntantly easy to get to know - at least that's what my memory says. This one seems to take longer. Is that possible or is it just faulty memory? I think I'll side with the memory option. Thank you very much to my fellow "single mormon girls" who keep me thinking and laughing and wondering with all of their good blogging thoughts. Go team!

My Issues (Kris)

I started this blog and now I'm flaking on it. It just seems all that is going on in my dating life is so personal and pretty much everyone knows who we are. I want to respect Grant's privacy as well as my own. He's encouraged me to do some uninhibited blogging so here we go (he may not know what he's in for on this one).

Most of what I think to blog about on here is my freaking out at how fast this relationship is going. Not to suggest that I'm constantly freaking out in the relationship- there is plenty of fun, sappy, stars-in-my-eyes times as well. It's just this relationship has made me face my issues and realize ones I didn't know I had. For instance, this week I had this huge desire to run away- far and fast. I've been single almost 40 years, I've been dating more than half of my life. Sometimes it really stinks, but more often than not, I really love my life and am quite comfortable here. At the same time, I find it strange that I'm wanting to cling to it when most of my single life has been spent trying to not be single anymore.

I've been very conscious of how great it is that my life completely revolves around me. There are things I love about it and things I don't. One the plus side, if I don't want to grocery shop, nobody is going to care eating toast for dinner for a week. One the minus side, I think it is spiritually unhealthy to be so self-centered. (Although many single people I've met have such an intense relationship to the Savior. I think this comes from having to face so much alone and only having him to rely on.)

So now here is change facing me head on. Change I've wanted and think is good. Why then do I have such anxiety and want to run? I have a comfort in this relationship that I haven't felt before, and even when I'm freaking out about it I have never considered ending it. Which brings up another issue that I didn't know I had. In the early stages of the relationship I had a pretty big freak out. It took me a while to figure out that it was fear of giving my heart- not just because I didn't want to get hurt, but I felt that finding someone who is right for me was something Heavenly Father wouldn't let me have in this life. I had no idea I felt that way, but I'm guessing a lot of 30+ single girls have that same thinking. It was a based on a false belief of who Heavenly Father is and my relationship to him.

Rereading this blog, it sounds a bit like I'm making some kind of announcement. I'm totally not! I'm just a girl who thinks too far ahead. I like guarantees that everything will be happily ever after- no unknowns, no leap of faith. Yes, I live in fantasyland, and I may hang out here a little longer. :)

Life's Soundtrack (Bridget)

End of summer jog at sunset,old Gogo's tshirt,new nikes...listening to what has become the soundrack of my life...hit my stride at old Missing Persons...Killer's remix of Mr Brightside as I round the last corner before home.

Hi! (Scully)

When I first heard about this blog I was taken aback a bit and a thought something like, "I would never do that." came to mind. But I've found myself checking-in to it everyday and it's been fun to see the progression and to have some, "Hey, that's me!" moments. So—go figure and what the heck. Here's where I am with the whole dating situation. ahem.

I've recently ended a mostly casual two-year relationship. We'll call him Rod (as in Serling—narrator of the Twilight Zone). I pretty much knew it wouldn't end in marriage because the temple and church weren't priorities for him. He believes it. Knows it's true. Nothing bad to say about it. But that's about as far as it goes. So from the beginning I tried my best to keep my heart at arms length and in the "temporary and fun" zone. I decided this was going to be more about having someone to love than really being loved like I would ultimately want. As long as I kept that expectation on it and kept myself open to other things, I was fine. When I, or we, tried for it to be more it tanked. What I liked about it most though was that there was NO high drama. I had a steady date every week and it never tried to rip my guts out. But loving without being loved with true reciprocation can't go on forever. I think we will be able to remain friends because we didn't rip each others guts out. Never a mean word or raised voice. We still communicate and see each other for a movie or some old tv shows every couple of weeks. I'm thinking those touch points will diminish as time goes on. This is the first relationship I've come out of where I didn't think the failure of the whole thing was my fault. Where I feel like I deserve (I really don't like using that word, but…) someone who reciprocates and isn't perfect, but fulfills my needs. I think that's huge.

SO—I've gotten online again. I really think this is my best shot just for the sheer number of men it exposes me to. (That sounded bad didn't it.) In the past this has not been a great experience, but I do feel different about it this time. I think it's because I've changed my attitude to one that extends my timeline for marriage into the millenium. Seriously. I was thinking about it and—if I've got this right—the drop dead mark for having your eternal companion by your side is at the judgement bar before we're assigned a kingdom. Right? Which is AFTER the millenium. Which is AFTER the second coming. Right? For some reason thinking about it like that has made me calm way down about finding him here and, oddly enough, more open to searching for him.

I've been on for a few weeks and a potential dream man appeared one day. We'll call him Captain Mal. Cute, West Point grad, BYU MBA, Ad exec in San Diego area, 4 kids, common interests. No mission, but I'm okay with that because stuff happens in people's lives and a lot of changes can happen from the time a person is 19. And we all know RMs in whom's lives it didn't seem to make a dent. But I do require that there has to be a true conversion at some point. He wrote and expressed himself very well. Funny, intelligent. So we wrote a couple of times and then his profile starts to disappear piece by piece. It was very strange and I was a bit heart broken and was starting to think I was headed for the c'est la vie lane when he mailed me on the site with a slightly different name. Turns out he's not actually divorced yet! (That's actually the third time I've gotten that online.) He was incredibly apologetic and said he took off his profile when he found out he couldn't do that and apologized for it being on there as long as it was. He seemed sincere. He posted his profile as a test. If he got any hits he was going forward with the divorce. If not he was staying. I'm hoping prayer came into play earlier? Needless to say they completed the paperwork online ( I didn't even know you could do that. My atty bro-in-law is checking it out.) and he was filing the papers with the court this week. Anyway, without getting into further details about his situation, we've continued to communicate off the site. But I made it clear that we would only be friends and only online until things were settled and that you really can't fall in love with someone online and have it be real. At least I can't. You have to hold the potential of those feelings off until you meet in person. Which, at this point it's highly probable that we won't. I'm not sure how much they tried to save the marriage. If they didn't even go to counseling, I would want to encourage him to still do so. I've asked some questions so we'll see. I'm still searching and flirting on my site.

Wow. Maybe reading this with someone elses eyes will make me see the error of or rightness of my ways. I heard they have Huckleberry shakes at the A.C.:) I think I'll try that for tonight.

War! (Marnie)

At a meeting I attended a while back, the speaker was talking about change and then gave the example from the Book of Mormon about Moroni: Alma 49:8-9 "But behold, to their uttermost astonishment, they were prepared for them, in a manner which never had been known among the children of Lehi. Now they were prepared for the Lamanites, to battle after the manner of the instructions of Moroni. And it came to pass that the Lamanites, or the Amalickiahites, were exceedingly astonished at their manner of preparation for war."

Basically, Moroni outwitted and out-thought the enemy and it brought them success in their endeavers and saved the lives of the people.

I was intrigued with the whole idea of changing the ways of war and how it had such a successful outcome! My own thoughts had been contemplating how the last year and a half went in my struggle to date and find people to date. My circle of single friends was dwindling and the only place I could think to meet new people of my same religion was at "single adult" activities I would hear about through email and the internet. Those activities were quite scary at first, but with perseverance, I got really good at them - meaning they didn't scare me. The only problem was that I wasn't meeting the kind of people I wanted to date at these activities.

However, this story of Moroni and the Nephites inspired me!! I decided to change the way I did war (aka social life)!! I knew I needed a change anyway, so I decided to move up to the single adult ward - a place I had been avoiding for some time. And that change was a great infusion of energy to me! There is nothing like getting out of your comfort zone to help you make changes in your life. It's hard and scary but well worth it! And now I have a whole new circle of friends and dating possibilities...it's refreshing and it's helped me keep my hope alive for the future.

And this whole idea of changing the ways of war has inspired me to try to date differently as well. Things I used to do with The One and Rebound, I'm not going to do with the others I date. Because it didn't go the way I wanted with them, so why repeat the past? I'm trying to do everything different (kinda like George Constanza did on that Seinfield episode). And so far the experiment has gone pretty good!

Its hard though, because now I feel like a complete beginner and I'm not sure of myself at all. I'm trying to change how I flirt, when I flirt, the type of guys I flirt with or put energy into, the type of communication I have with those I'm interested in, the amount of communication I have with them, how often I make myself available for a date, and the list goes on and on. But old habits die hard with me and in the often intimidating world of dating and relationships, doing something you are used to is what my instinct is.

But alas! I shall change! I shall shake things up!! So, the pledge of a my last blog is another attempt to do things completly different than before. And I'm not sure there is a perfect way to flirt and date. But getting out of old habits and doing things that scare you completely spitless, just may help you get to a place you need to be to meet a great guy and start a new relationship.