Friday, September 5, 2008

My Issues (Kris)

I started this blog and now I'm flaking on it. It just seems all that is going on in my dating life is so personal and pretty much everyone knows who we are. I want to respect Grant's privacy as well as my own. He's encouraged me to do some uninhibited blogging so here we go (he may not know what he's in for on this one).

Most of what I think to blog about on here is my freaking out at how fast this relationship is going. Not to suggest that I'm constantly freaking out in the relationship- there is plenty of fun, sappy, stars-in-my-eyes times as well. It's just this relationship has made me face my issues and realize ones I didn't know I had. For instance, this week I had this huge desire to run away- far and fast. I've been single almost 40 years, I've been dating more than half of my life. Sometimes it really stinks, but more often than not, I really love my life and am quite comfortable here. At the same time, I find it strange that I'm wanting to cling to it when most of my single life has been spent trying to not be single anymore.

I've been very conscious of how great it is that my life completely revolves around me. There are things I love about it and things I don't. One the plus side, if I don't want to grocery shop, nobody is going to care eating toast for dinner for a week. One the minus side, I think it is spiritually unhealthy to be so self-centered. (Although many single people I've met have such an intense relationship to the Savior. I think this comes from having to face so much alone and only having him to rely on.)

So now here is change facing me head on. Change I've wanted and think is good. Why then do I have such anxiety and want to run? I have a comfort in this relationship that I haven't felt before, and even when I'm freaking out about it I have never considered ending it. Which brings up another issue that I didn't know I had. In the early stages of the relationship I had a pretty big freak out. It took me a while to figure out that it was fear of giving my heart- not just because I didn't want to get hurt, but I felt that finding someone who is right for me was something Heavenly Father wouldn't let me have in this life. I had no idea I felt that way, but I'm guessing a lot of 30+ single girls have that same thinking. It was a based on a false belief of who Heavenly Father is and my relationship to him.

Rereading this blog, it sounds a bit like I'm making some kind of announcement. I'm totally not! I'm just a girl who thinks too far ahead. I like guarantees that everything will be happily ever after- no unknowns, no leap of faith. Yes, I live in fantasyland, and I may hang out here a little longer. :)


kat said...

i totally get the freak out. after dating for 3 years, the whole time WAITING to have 'the discussion,' when we actually started having the discussion i TOTALLY freaked out. funny stuff. something i wanted, and then the actuality of it all completely freaked me out.

it is tricky giving up your autonomy - or THINKING that you are giving up your autonomy. think of it as a different kind of independence. ideally that's what it is. :)

Heidi P said...

We eat cold cereal for dinner a lot! :) I think I am the only one who thinks about it...

Scully said...

If you need time for this to sink in you need time for this to sink in. Nothing wrong with that. You don't have to do anything until your comfortable enough with it and sure enough about it. You're safe.

Kind of cool how it teaches you so much about yourself though isn't it?:)

Marnie said...

I totally and completely relate with you here. It's one thing to say you WANT to get married and another to actually give your heart and trust another human being and give up the control you have had in your life. That control has been the only thing to keep us warm at night. And after depending on yourself for so long, it's very difficult to give it up and say trusting a man is better. I feel better knowing I'm not the only one that feels that way!