Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Hi! (Scully)

When I first heard about this blog I was taken aback a bit and a thought something like, "I would never do that." came to mind. But I've found myself checking-in to it everyday and it's been fun to see the progression and to have some, "Hey, that's me!" moments. So—go figure and what the heck. Here's where I am with the whole dating situation. ahem.

I've recently ended a mostly casual two-year relationship. We'll call him Rod (as in Serling—narrator of the Twilight Zone). I pretty much knew it wouldn't end in marriage because the temple and church weren't priorities for him. He believes it. Knows it's true. Nothing bad to say about it. But that's about as far as it goes. So from the beginning I tried my best to keep my heart at arms length and in the "temporary and fun" zone. I decided this was going to be more about having someone to love than really being loved like I would ultimately want. As long as I kept that expectation on it and kept myself open to other things, I was fine. When I, or we, tried for it to be more it tanked. What I liked about it most though was that there was NO high drama. I had a steady date every week and it never tried to rip my guts out. But loving without being loved with true reciprocation can't go on forever. I think we will be able to remain friends because we didn't rip each others guts out. Never a mean word or raised voice. We still communicate and see each other for a movie or some old tv shows every couple of weeks. I'm thinking those touch points will diminish as time goes on. This is the first relationship I've come out of where I didn't think the failure of the whole thing was my fault. Where I feel like I deserve (I really don't like using that word, but…) someone who reciprocates and isn't perfect, but fulfills my needs. I think that's huge.

SO—I've gotten online again. I really think this is my best shot just for the sheer number of men it exposes me to. (That sounded bad didn't it.) In the past this has not been a great experience, but I do feel different about it this time. I think it's because I've changed my attitude to one that extends my timeline for marriage into the millenium. Seriously. I was thinking about it and—if I've got this right—the drop dead mark for having your eternal companion by your side is at the judgement bar before we're assigned a kingdom. Right? Which is AFTER the millenium. Which is AFTER the second coming. Right? For some reason thinking about it like that has made me calm way down about finding him here and, oddly enough, more open to searching for him.

I've been on for a few weeks and a potential dream man appeared one day. We'll call him Captain Mal. Cute, West Point grad, BYU MBA, Ad exec in San Diego area, 4 kids, common interests. No mission, but I'm okay with that because stuff happens in people's lives and a lot of changes can happen from the time a person is 19. And we all know RMs in whom's lives it didn't seem to make a dent. But I do require that there has to be a true conversion at some point. He wrote and expressed himself very well. Funny, intelligent. So we wrote a couple of times and then his profile starts to disappear piece by piece. It was very strange and I was a bit heart broken and was starting to think I was headed for the c'est la vie lane when he mailed me on the site with a slightly different name. Turns out he's not actually divorced yet! (That's actually the third time I've gotten that online.) He was incredibly apologetic and said he took off his profile when he found out he couldn't do that and apologized for it being on there as long as it was. He seemed sincere. He posted his profile as a test. If he got any hits he was going forward with the divorce. If not he was staying. I'm hoping prayer came into play earlier? Needless to say they completed the paperwork online ( I didn't even know you could do that. My atty bro-in-law is checking it out.) and he was filing the papers with the court this week. Anyway, without getting into further details about his situation, we've continued to communicate off the site. But I made it clear that we would only be friends and only online until things were settled and that you really can't fall in love with someone online and have it be real. At least I can't. You have to hold the potential of those feelings off until you meet in person. Which, at this point it's highly probable that we won't. I'm not sure how much they tried to save the marriage. If they didn't even go to counseling, I would want to encourage him to still do so. I've asked some questions so we'll see. I'm still searching and flirting on my site.

Wow. Maybe reading this with someone elses eyes will make me see the error of or rightness of my ways. I heard they have Huckleberry shakes at the A.C.:) I think I'll try that for tonight.


Leah said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Leah said...

Welcome - it's great to have a new contributor! I vote for huckleberry shakes - the A.C. is one of my favorite recovery spots. And good job with being online - still scares me a lot and your story doesn't make me feel better. Luckily Kris is having success.

Kris said...

OK what is the A.C.? Welcome Scully! I think this blog made those online experiences OK, but now it's just a great story to tell online and not merely a disapppointment. Somehow, blogging about everything made it easier. Looking forward to future posts!!

Anonymous said...

welcome! from one of this blog's devoted stalkers.
i just want to say PLEASE be careful with Cpt. Mal. I recently met a guy through an lds dating site. we dated for 7 months. i fell in love with him and his two kids. then, he revealed that he was "not quite as divorced" as he told me he was. (i asked specific questions from the beginning, but was simply lied to) needless to say, my heart was broken. and he walked away from the situation as if nothing was wrong.
i don't understand why anyone would think it is ok to join a singles website while they are STILL MARRIED, but i for one learned the hard way that it is not ok, and a recipe for disaster.
I wish you all the best in your search, but please, do be careful!

Bridget said...

Hey Scully, welcome!!Glad you're sharing your point of view with bout doing 10 things about Scully to introduce yourself :) Look forward to hearing more about you!