Roles

I recently was reminded of the basic needs of men and women. Men need to feel important and needed (but don’t we all?) and women need to feel protected and cared for (but don’t we all?). So my question, or maybe my comment, is that if these are our basic needs why do we tend to be so independent and insecure all at the same time? I think it must have a lot to do with our subtle behaviors in a relationship. I used to think I didn’t care if a man got my door for me or not. But in the last few years I’ve realized how much I like it when a man gets my door for me, even the car door after arriving at the destination. I like to just sit there and slowly gather my things and wait expectantly for him to get my door – it gives me a little bit the feeling of being a princess. In fact when I get out of the car I find myself trying to do so more gracefully – like a princess I guess. I should point out, though, that when it’s a guy I don’t like and I don’t feel like he knows or respects me then it really bugs. I think the feeling of being cared for and protected is also why women take so well to cuddling and hand holding – those are actions of tenderness and gentle protection. It occurs to me, though, that a lot of these actions are just symbolic – not really necessary. I guess having gone through evolution we just maintain these sorts of customs because they still evoke the necessary emotion. But like other age old customs, they are sometimes lacking from our culture. I think a lot of women in my age range have a hard time knowing how to make a man feel important and needed when she’s had to develop such independence and self sufficiency. I don’t know if it’s been discussed on here or just in my real life, but it seems that learning one’s “role” as a woman is very important in having a successful romantic relationship. Not necessarily the damsel in distress role, but certainly the feminine nurturing respectful sort of role. Anyway, I’m still working on it. I don’t get a lot of feedback – maybe I should ask for more – so I’m never quite sure if I’m playing my role well or if I look like a child playing dress-up in mother’s shoes. There’s nothing worse than the feeling of trying to be something you’re not and realizing everyone can see through you. So out of fear I often don't even try - but without trying you make no progress. You see what I'm working on?

Stay In New Years (Bridget)

New Years Eve proves to be one of the most stressful nights to plan in my life. Why do New Years plans seem to symbolize the validity of one's life? I have countless times had the conversation with friends, what are you doing for New Years? It begins there..around December 1st really. I can see the maniacal desire for a perfect fantasy new years relected in my and my girlfriend's eyes. The kind of new years in which there is a fun party where a good friend just happens to have a cousin that you've never met before and looks a whole lot like(insert gorgeous male leading man actor here, mine would be someone like John Cusack or Colin Firth)He is smitten with me/her and after hours of fun flirtation and getting to know eachother, the midnight hour strikes, and that perfect New years kiss happens, symbolizing the beginning of a beautiful relationship. Or there is the fantasy that is in my head that I borrow from When Harry Met Sally, since I have a Harry in my life, and have for years, the fantasy that he shows up at the party I am at and confesses that he can't live without me..again ending in the perfect New years Kiss..symbolizing the beginning of the step towards romance in our long time friendship. Along with the maniacal desire, there is an extraordinary pressure to find something that will live up to all of the hope and excitement we have for the next year.
These days, if there is a great opportunity that presents itself, and it is something that I truly want to do, then I will go out for New Years. It will be a "Go Out" New Years. If there is nothing that presents itself, there will be a "Stay In" New Years, in which there is much reflection and wearing of pajamas. Both have their place. I think with all of the years of self imposed pressure to squeeze all the hope and fun in one night, I now have no desire to "force" New Years, cuz it always turns out below expectations..because really what could live up to such high standards. I have finally learned to spread the desire to have fun and have excitement through out the year...and not only one night...cuz what girl needs that kind of pressure.

Hobbies

I try not to write about New Phil anymore, but I couldn’t resist. Last night we were talking about what makes each other happy. Well, actually, I was just questioning him. He seems to do a good job of making me happy so I wanted to know what I could do in return. He said he likes talking. Now how lucky am I? I once dated a guy who I must have felt smothered since he suggested I get a hobby. I told him people are my hobby and at the time he was the most interesting person I knew. Okay, maybe he was right, but really I do love people! I think since New Phil and I both love talking we get along pretty well. I call myself pretty lucky. Which reminds me of another story from my past that just cracks me up to this day. It was freshman year at the Y. My roommate was a bit sad that she didn’t date as much as she’d been promised. (Really who made up that stuff? I think I may still be a bit bitter myself!) So her mother advised her to get a hobby, and then suggested origami. I’ve never looked at origami the same. I’d also like to point out that of the six of us she was the first to marry. She never did learn origami either.

Aunt Bridget

I just got back from Christmas in the white wonderland of Salt Lake City, UT. Aunt Bridget was able to be with her nieces and nephew...oh yeah and her Mom and sisters for the holiday. The funnest thing I can think of is to be with my favorite 7 year,4 year, and 2 month old for Christmas,being with them reminds me how soft my heart is and how capable my heart is of completely surrendering to someone. It is a great thing to be reminded of. Painful too, though, when its time to go home. It is in those moments, when my four year old niece says to me, "..but Aunt Bridget, I'm going to MISS you, can't you just stay with US." And i think about it..and it seems like such a nice idea. To play Duck, Duck Goose, and Memory, and lay in bed together all the time. If life could only be this way forever. As I drove away from their house....being encapsulated by emotions....that I was chosen to be an aunt to these kids makes me feel many things, but above all gratitude. I think in many ways my life has become routine, in the emotions I feel, in the thoughts I think, and the thoughts I rethink. I go to work, go to school, go to church, have fun with friends, volunteer,perform my calling at church.. the feelings seem routine and expected. My visits with them save me with simplicity and the tenderness they offer..so foundational is the love that I feel for these kids, yet I am surprised and affected eact time I am with them, they remind me how fiercely I can love.....and how fiercely I can miss it when I get on a plane and come home to California.

It's All About the Self-Talk (Marnie)

This Christmas season, I decided to visit some older sisters that I used to be in charge of when I was in my old family ward. I really grew to love and care about them. And they always made me feel better when I visited them.

I baked some goodies and made the deliveries on a Sunday early this December. It was fabulous to see them! They really appreciated the visit and goodies. I knew they would ask about my new ward and social life because that was why I left the family ward - to inject my social life with some new possibilities.

Knowing they would ask about my social life, I had my speech ready. It usually went something like this:

Older sister: So how is the singles ward?
Me: Oh, great! I’m meeting some really wonderful people!
Older sister: You dating anyone? (the older folks always get to the point).
Me: Not right now – I dated a guy for a few months but it didn’t work out (I mention that so they know I’m trying and succeeding in some respects).
Older sister: Oh, that’s too bad. [Silence.]

That’s when I give my current mantra. I don’t want them to worry about me and I don’t want their pity, so in 8 different visits I said, “but January is a new year and I feel good about what’s coming up! Lot’s of new opportunities! And I will find me someone new to date! I can feel it!”

Now at first it was just something I made up. But now, after saying it out loud 8 times, even I believe it! All of them each got excited for me when I said it – instead of giving the pity look – and they all reiterated that I could do it! That really felt empowering!

New Years is around that corner. I hate that holiday too – along with my fellow bloggers – but it’s a new opportunity to work on some skills with meeting people. Yep, I’m going to a big singles dance that most likely will have a great assortment of all sorts of men – the good, the bad and the ugly – hopefully more good than bad. And I am bound and determined to meet lots of people, smile big and give my “security guard” stare when I can.

When I first heard about mantras I thought it was silly, but I don’t believe that anymore. You become what you hear yourself say – especially when you are talking about yourself. If it’s negative, it will affect you negatively. If it’s positive, it will affect you positively! And I think that’s why we’ve been told to have faith and hope by the Almighty. Talking about those things helps us keep positive. And I know for a fact when I am trying hard to be positive, I do better. I’m happier and more appreciative of my life. And I smile more. And when I smile more, I tend to be nicer and friendlier. And that helps my life socially as well as spiritually.

So my challenge to any that dare, try a POSITIVE mantra for a month! Say it three times every morning for a month. Mine is: "I am open to relationships. Good things are up ahead for me and in January 2009, I will meet many good “potentials” and find a great guy to date and have a relationship with."

I’ll let you know how it goes…

Change of Title (Leah)

Please excuse the title of that last post. Let's call it "How do you spend the holidays?" And really, I think I'd like to know. What's your position? How do you feel this time of year? What have you done to make it more meaningful and memorable?

Holiday Depression (Leah)

With the holidays here a topic that has come up among some of my single friends is how easy it is to get depressed. I guess since it's a family focused holiday those of us without our own spouse and kids can easily get feeling down. I know some people in my peer group go on trips to warmer climates. Some visit nieces and nephews - it's a way of sharing in the excitement and fun that children can bring to the holiday. I did that one year - loved it. My nephew gave me a picture frame from the dollar store to use with a photo of me and my significant other at the time, oh the faith and hope of children! Instead I put a magazine picture of a couple on their wedding day - I replaced the head on the woman with my head and the man's head is just a blank smiley face. It was part of the "visualizing" I read about in "The Secret." Not a bad idea. I like the picture. I look pretty good in my wedding photo I think. And my nephew's thoughtful gift is put to good use. But that's not what I meant to share in this post. What I wanted to say is that I usually don't get down around Christmas, it's New Year's that tends to make me grumpy. I blame the late hour. And the strained awkwardness of what to do on that night. I've attended my share of dances and parties, family and friends, you name it, I've done it. I probably have even gone to bed at a decent hour! Well, maybe not, but it's not a bad idea. Sometimes I do the whole goal setting thing. Usually I use my birthday to do goals, though. Anyway, compared to Valentine's (another couple holiday) New Year's is by far the worst in my opinion. So to all the single people out there - may you have a wonderful holiday! I suggest getting a good night's rest.

You're never gonna be jello...(Bridget)

This conversation with Leah and Lorelai reminds me of the movie "Best Friends Wedding" where Julia Robert's character is talking to Cameron Diaz and explaining a similar food analogy. She was comparing preferences of partners with Creme Brule and Jello, if someone likes Jello,is comfortable with Jello, they're not going to want Creme Brule...Cameron's character is Creme Brule in the scenario, and she says desperately " I want to be jello,I can be Jello..." because she wanted so badly to be with the films hero. Julia's character, although wrong about the fact that the hero didn't want creme brule, was right when she said, "You can't be jello, creme brule will never be jello...you're NEVER going to be jello" Have you ever wanted so badly to be jello because that's what a particular guy wants? I have,even though Jello is not my style...i am clearly something spicy,sweet,and creamy..more of a main dish item..such as some sort of a masala..and I have come to realize that at the time's I have wanted to be something anything other than what I am..its because I haven't explored or understood the value and worth of what I am and how vital I am. And perhaps not really sure in my heart that someone is looking for masala and will be overjoyed with masala. Now I love masala...the perfect amounts of cinnamon,ginger,cayenne and cream, thinking about it makes me happy and eating it satiates me...i have to remember that...and when I do..and am sure of how much i love masala..the man who is looking for masala will be there..now enough of comparing myself to food...i perhaps have taken it too far.

Comparing (Leah)

Lorelai, your post got me thinking about something I learned awhile ago, but was reminded of again about 4 months ago. I too compare men. There was one back in college who was just plain funny. He was very popular in my student ward. I think he has been my "Sissel." Whenever I date a guy and really like him I notice similarities. He was smart, witty, relaxed, eyes that sparkled, good sized for hugging, and simply kind. My favorite memory ever was when he brought me an ice cube that had slightly melted in his hand, leaving an imprint, because he knew how much I liked ice. It was a perfect moment! But that's what memories are good for. Like a pretty picture you never own. You can appreciate aspects of its beauty in other pictures. But the kind of comparison that IS valuable, is a comparison to your core values. I was encouraged by a friend not too long ago to make a good list of the characteristics that are essential in a mate for me. Those essentials can guide you when you are checking someone out over the course of a few dates. For instance, I discovered that one essential I have is formal education. I have yet to meet someone that I can truly communicate with and get along with who hasn't had a fair degree of education. Maybe it seems shallow of me, maybe I'm missing out on a lot of great guys, but when I've tried to date those without basic college, I haven't been happy. Maybe it's my own pride and weakness, but either way, it's one of those characteristics that I know just makes me happier in a relationship. I've tried to keep it more generally worded, though, like "values education," so that I'm hitting the core aspect. Everyone has to think of their own values - my list isn't for everyone - but I think it's a good activity to do, especially when you're not in the middle of a relationship (otherwise you can get too confused).

In Comparison (Lorelai)

This past weekend I went to a fabulous performance of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, the annual Christmas concert. The set was amazing with brilliantly lit trees, snow covered miniature houses, and dazzling poinsettias covering the stage. I was snuggled down in my seat ready for my heart to pound with joy. And then it was over. Now don’t get me wrong, it was a fabulous performance. My favorite part was the organ solo … I know! If you know me at all (which you don’t) then you know me and organ music do not necessarily get along but it was phenomenal. I might buy the DVD just for that one song. It was amazing.

But here is where it gets tricky. This is not my first MoTab Christmas concert and without even thinking about it I started to compare. Two years ago (I am pretty sure it was two years ago) a wonderful artist Sissel came. It was magical. She would open her mouth and this glorious sound would emerge with seemingly little effort. It was moving and spiritual and rather perfect.

This year’s performance dimmed in comparison. But how unfair is it to compare. The guest artists are in completely different genres and have very different performance styles. Just because Sissel was as near perfection as I can imagine that does not mean that the other performances was not good. So why did my opinion of the performance seem so low?

Now you might be wondering why I am critiquing MoTab here but really I started thinking. Subconsciously how many times do I compare for good or ill the men I date? I discovered that if someone remotely reminds me of Gap (my ex) I turn and run. Fast. Gap had many good qualities. I should not run away from a person because they exhibit certain similarities (there are others that yes I should be running). And then there is of course Charming. They guy I dated in college and was hopelessly, madly, stupidly in love with and still can only remember the good (even though there was a lot of bad). Sometimes I wonder if I do not give a guy a chance because he reminds me of Gap or because he does not remind me of Charming. I should look at him based upon his own merit; not how similar or dissimilar he is to people that I have morphed in my mind to the good guy and the bad guy.

I guess for me it is the subconscious part that is disturbing. Am I running because of legitimate red flags or just because of some small insignificant similarity? It is something I have not thought too much about before. Well nevertheless I still liked Sissel best…