What I learned from Adam Walsh (Leah)

So much in my head – constantly thinking I should blog, but then I don’t get around to it and I feel guilty. Guilt is useless. ’m going to come up with something now. Today my students and I were discussing competition, in particular among friends. Is it good? Is it okay to compete against friends? Can a good friendship survive the most difficult situations? Well, it just so happens I was talking to a friend last night about the recent news in the Adam Walsh case. I remember as a young child watching the “made for TV movie” about his disappearance. What I remember most from that story is that his disappearance led to troubles in his parents’ marriage. In my memory they wound up divorced, but I think in the news recently I noticed they were married, so who knows where I got that idea. But the point is, when I was young I took note of an important lesson from his disappearance. I learned that when really difficult situations arise, marriages often can’t survive. The individuals turn so inward toward their own grief and suffering that they fail to support each other and think of those who are still living. It’s true that what happened to them was horrible and hard, but that was the time to really rely on each other and look for ways to comfort and sustain the other – not turn inward. Easy for me to say, I guess. But a few years ago when I was experiencing some of my own very trying grief I was also in the middle of a long distance relationship that I felt was taking a lot of time and attention. When I complained to him of how hard it was for me to worry about “us” while also coping with my own personal trial he suggested we break things off. I responded quickly with a “no way” – I had seen the story of Adam Walsh and I knew that when things get tough then that’s when you stick together. That’s when you just try harder to be there for each other. I was just asking him to do more since I was feeling so emotionally drained. A month later he broke it off. He said he wasn’t feeling right about it – I can totally respect that decision, but at the time I wondered if my personal challenge precipitated his lack of feeling. It was long distance – I think it’s hard for a man to feel like he’s really helping emotionally when he’s physically so far away. It was an amicable break up – my trial had passed by that time (nearly) and I was able to move on. Still, I won’t forget the important lesson I learned from Adam Walsh. He taught me how relationships can (and must) survive the most difficult situations. And I guess a question for another day is how do you deal with personal suffering without dragging others down with you? Maybe I know the answer but I think I need to constantly ponder it.

Coming Out(Bridget)

Kris was the one that invited me to be on this blog, and I am thankful she did, I would have never thought about it...so thank you Kris. I have decided to start my own blog...head out on my own...not as Bridget, but as Jen, who I really am. Please visit me at musingsofamormongirl.blogspot.com.
Thank you Marcia,Leah,Marnie,Scully and Lorelai for being great blog pals and for all of your insight and support.

Falling off the Planet (Lorelai)

I just realized how easy and refreshing it is to fall off the planet and how terribly difficult it is to recover. Just yesterday it was Thanksgiving, a minute ago it was Christmas, this very nanosecond January is passing me by. I took ten days off from Christmas to New Years and it was wonderful. I had so much fun playing with DK, making crafts, cleaning the house and reading several books that have been on my list. While I was away I did not get on the Internet once, not once. I limited my TV time to sharing time with my son and I did not even attempt to learn all the fun things my new cell phone will do. But now that I am back I am playing major catch up. It is astonishing how much things can pile up in the technological world. Seriously, I thought technology was supposed to make life less complicated!

To me excess is sometimes the hardest thing to control in this life. I mean the excess of good possibilities. There are so many options. The good, better, best kind (as Elder Oaks would say). In my recovery process I decided to continue to limit Internet and TV time at my home (although I have spent far too many minutes playing with my new phone) and concentrate on the better things. I hope that I can get to the point where I can choose only the best things.

I am not exactly sure how this relates to dating other than I find it difficult to make the time. There are so many choices of what I can do with my time that making time for dating has been difficult. My alternate choices are not bad choices so it makes it easier to choose not to put myself out there. But just as I was able to recover from becoming a hermit for ten glorious days I know I can recover from avoiding dating opportunities.

Expectations (Leah)

Sometimes you start out a relationship with a person because he SEEMs to be a pretty good option. From what little you know of him there’s no reason not to get to know him better. As you do get to know him you are impressed with little things. Stuff comes up, though, that makes you wonder and ask yourself what it could mean for the future. Thinking about the future is inevitable – the next day, the next date, the next week, then next month, the next year – you can’t help but ask yourself how your relationship with this person is going to affect your future. I know some of the debates I’ve had relate to my fears about the relationship NOT working out as much as my fears of it working out. I worry about the pain and awkwardness of trying to “just be friends.” Lately, though, I’ve tried really hard to not worry about any of it. I’ve focused a lot more on just the moment and being present in the moment. One of the things I’ve discovered is that the moment I’m in is ALWAYS better than anything I’d have anticipated. Of course I’ve fallen back on old habits of expecting and anticipating something exciting and fun, but when that moment comes I’m a bit disappointed because it never matches my expectations. So I’m again reminded to just live in the moment and be grateful for what happens as it goes. I just have to share that New Phil continually surprises me, as each moment with him brings new joy that I never expected. Dating him has been a real blessing in my life.

Congratulations Kris!! (marcia)

Congratulations to Kris who marries Grant today!!

Kris is the founder of this blog - she wanted to do something that would help her reach her goal of getting married. I'd say she met her goal!

I always say that it's a miracle when two people find each other - but I also believe that miracles happen everyday!

Best of luck and much happiness to you both!!

Marcia

Roles

I recently was reminded of the basic needs of men and women. Men need to feel important and needed (but don’t we all?) and women need to feel protected and cared for (but don’t we all?). So my question, or maybe my comment, is that if these are our basic needs why do we tend to be so independent and insecure all at the same time? I think it must have a lot to do with our subtle behaviors in a relationship. I used to think I didn’t care if a man got my door for me or not. But in the last few years I’ve realized how much I like it when a man gets my door for me, even the car door after arriving at the destination. I like to just sit there and slowly gather my things and wait expectantly for him to get my door – it gives me a little bit the feeling of being a princess. In fact when I get out of the car I find myself trying to do so more gracefully – like a princess I guess. I should point out, though, that when it’s a guy I don’t like and I don’t feel like he knows or respects me then it really bugs. I think the feeling of being cared for and protected is also why women take so well to cuddling and hand holding – those are actions of tenderness and gentle protection. It occurs to me, though, that a lot of these actions are just symbolic – not really necessary. I guess having gone through evolution we just maintain these sorts of customs because they still evoke the necessary emotion. But like other age old customs, they are sometimes lacking from our culture. I think a lot of women in my age range have a hard time knowing how to make a man feel important and needed when she’s had to develop such independence and self sufficiency. I don’t know if it’s been discussed on here or just in my real life, but it seems that learning one’s “role” as a woman is very important in having a successful romantic relationship. Not necessarily the damsel in distress role, but certainly the feminine nurturing respectful sort of role. Anyway, I’m still working on it. I don’t get a lot of feedback – maybe I should ask for more – so I’m never quite sure if I’m playing my role well or if I look like a child playing dress-up in mother’s shoes. There’s nothing worse than the feeling of trying to be something you’re not and realizing everyone can see through you. So out of fear I often don't even try - but without trying you make no progress. You see what I'm working on?

Stay In New Years (Bridget)

New Years Eve proves to be one of the most stressful nights to plan in my life. Why do New Years plans seem to symbolize the validity of one's life? I have countless times had the conversation with friends, what are you doing for New Years? It begins there..around December 1st really. I can see the maniacal desire for a perfect fantasy new years relected in my and my girlfriend's eyes. The kind of new years in which there is a fun party where a good friend just happens to have a cousin that you've never met before and looks a whole lot like(insert gorgeous male leading man actor here, mine would be someone like John Cusack or Colin Firth)He is smitten with me/her and after hours of fun flirtation and getting to know eachother, the midnight hour strikes, and that perfect New years kiss happens, symbolizing the beginning of a beautiful relationship. Or there is the fantasy that is in my head that I borrow from When Harry Met Sally, since I have a Harry in my life, and have for years, the fantasy that he shows up at the party I am at and confesses that he can't live without me..again ending in the perfect New years Kiss..symbolizing the beginning of the step towards romance in our long time friendship. Along with the maniacal desire, there is an extraordinary pressure to find something that will live up to all of the hope and excitement we have for the next year.
These days, if there is a great opportunity that presents itself, and it is something that I truly want to do, then I will go out for New Years. It will be a "Go Out" New Years. If there is nothing that presents itself, there will be a "Stay In" New Years, in which there is much reflection and wearing of pajamas. Both have their place. I think with all of the years of self imposed pressure to squeeze all the hope and fun in one night, I now have no desire to "force" New Years, cuz it always turns out below expectations..because really what could live up to such high standards. I have finally learned to spread the desire to have fun and have excitement through out the year...and not only one night...cuz what girl needs that kind of pressure.

Hobbies

I try not to write about New Phil anymore, but I couldn’t resist. Last night we were talking about what makes each other happy. Well, actually, I was just questioning him. He seems to do a good job of making me happy so I wanted to know what I could do in return. He said he likes talking. Now how lucky am I? I once dated a guy who I must have felt smothered since he suggested I get a hobby. I told him people are my hobby and at the time he was the most interesting person I knew. Okay, maybe he was right, but really I do love people! I think since New Phil and I both love talking we get along pretty well. I call myself pretty lucky. Which reminds me of another story from my past that just cracks me up to this day. It was freshman year at the Y. My roommate was a bit sad that she didn’t date as much as she’d been promised. (Really who made up that stuff? I think I may still be a bit bitter myself!) So her mother advised her to get a hobby, and then suggested origami. I’ve never looked at origami the same. I’d also like to point out that of the six of us she was the first to marry. She never did learn origami either.

Aunt Bridget

I just got back from Christmas in the white wonderland of Salt Lake City, UT. Aunt Bridget was able to be with her nieces and nephew...oh yeah and her Mom and sisters for the holiday. The funnest thing I can think of is to be with my favorite 7 year,4 year, and 2 month old for Christmas,being with them reminds me how soft my heart is and how capable my heart is of completely surrendering to someone. It is a great thing to be reminded of. Painful too, though, when its time to go home. It is in those moments, when my four year old niece says to me, "..but Aunt Bridget, I'm going to MISS you, can't you just stay with US." And i think about it..and it seems like such a nice idea. To play Duck, Duck Goose, and Memory, and lay in bed together all the time. If life could only be this way forever. As I drove away from their house....being encapsulated by emotions....that I was chosen to be an aunt to these kids makes me feel many things, but above all gratitude. I think in many ways my life has become routine, in the emotions I feel, in the thoughts I think, and the thoughts I rethink. I go to work, go to school, go to church, have fun with friends, volunteer,perform my calling at church.. the feelings seem routine and expected. My visits with them save me with simplicity and the tenderness they offer..so foundational is the love that I feel for these kids, yet I am surprised and affected eact time I am with them, they remind me how fiercely I can love.....and how fiercely I can miss it when I get on a plane and come home to California.

It's All About the Self-Talk (Marnie)

This Christmas season, I decided to visit some older sisters that I used to be in charge of when I was in my old family ward. I really grew to love and care about them. And they always made me feel better when I visited them.

I baked some goodies and made the deliveries on a Sunday early this December. It was fabulous to see them! They really appreciated the visit and goodies. I knew they would ask about my new ward and social life because that was why I left the family ward - to inject my social life with some new possibilities.

Knowing they would ask about my social life, I had my speech ready. It usually went something like this:

Older sister: So how is the singles ward?
Me: Oh, great! I’m meeting some really wonderful people!
Older sister: You dating anyone? (the older folks always get to the point).
Me: Not right now – I dated a guy for a few months but it didn’t work out (I mention that so they know I’m trying and succeeding in some respects).
Older sister: Oh, that’s too bad. [Silence.]

That’s when I give my current mantra. I don’t want them to worry about me and I don’t want their pity, so in 8 different visits I said, “but January is a new year and I feel good about what’s coming up! Lot’s of new opportunities! And I will find me someone new to date! I can feel it!”

Now at first it was just something I made up. But now, after saying it out loud 8 times, even I believe it! All of them each got excited for me when I said it – instead of giving the pity look – and they all reiterated that I could do it! That really felt empowering!

New Years is around that corner. I hate that holiday too – along with my fellow bloggers – but it’s a new opportunity to work on some skills with meeting people. Yep, I’m going to a big singles dance that most likely will have a great assortment of all sorts of men – the good, the bad and the ugly – hopefully more good than bad. And I am bound and determined to meet lots of people, smile big and give my “security guard” stare when I can.

When I first heard about mantras I thought it was silly, but I don’t believe that anymore. You become what you hear yourself say – especially when you are talking about yourself. If it’s negative, it will affect you negatively. If it’s positive, it will affect you positively! And I think that’s why we’ve been told to have faith and hope by the Almighty. Talking about those things helps us keep positive. And I know for a fact when I am trying hard to be positive, I do better. I’m happier and more appreciative of my life. And I smile more. And when I smile more, I tend to be nicer and friendlier. And that helps my life socially as well as spiritually.

So my challenge to any that dare, try a POSITIVE mantra for a month! Say it three times every morning for a month. Mine is: "I am open to relationships. Good things are up ahead for me and in January 2009, I will meet many good “potentials” and find a great guy to date and have a relationship with."

I’ll let you know how it goes…