Have you ever had a day where you wake up and it all seems so pointless? Like nothing is in your control concerning the most important things in your life? Like there is no way on earth you will EVER find a guy you can connect with - let alone have a relationship with and get married to?
I woke up on Monday feeling that way. I was so annoyed, though! I had been feeling really good these last few months with just a few bumps here and there. I know my milestones have been small, but they have felt very good. And I’ve been “working it” with a couple of very cool guys I’ve met recently. I even had hope that maybe one of them would ask me out sometime soon!
But this Sunday was less than a productive day on my standards and I didn’t get to connect with the individuals I wanted to. And I even felt a little trapped – whether from my own insecurities and lack of guts to introduce myself to the cute guy I saw at church – to my surroundings of isolating myself behind my group of friends. It just all felt icky! I was disappointed in me and the day. And it felt like I had taken a huge step BACKWARDS from all of my progress.
Well, normally I get in that funk of negativity and just wallow there for some time – days, weeks, years, it would just depend. But it made me mad on Monday morning that I was feeling that way. I didn’t want to feel that way! And then I realized that I was mad at the wrong person (that ranged from me, to the guys that didn’t say hi, to the stranger that didn’t try to meet me, etc.). I realized all the negative thoughts were from Satan* – the very person that DOESN’T want me to be happy with the current marital status I am. He WANTS me to be annoyed that things are not going exactly as I had planned in life. He wants me to be bitter about my prospects or lack of prospects. He wants me to blame everyone for my “so terrible a predicament” so that I can run around screaming “Life isn’t far! Life isn’t fair!!! Someone just LOVE ME!!!”
Geez! I need to get a grip! And luckily I did! Bad days can start, but they don’t have to stick around. It took all of my energy – which I often lack on a Monday - to just snap myself out of it and refuse to listen to the lies I was hearing in my head. It took almost a conscious, physical effort to do so, even though everything was in my mind.
I had a chance to go to a gathering on that Monday night and I decided I wasn’t going to retreat and hide when the chance came to meet someone new – male or female. I was going to just be the best me! The “me” that really is happy most of the time with where I’m at. I just want more! But I’m not miserable about not having that more yet. (Ok, some days I am – but that was not that day!)
SO I smiled, practiced my “security guard” stare and just tried to be as friendly as possible. Result? I got asked out! I couldn’t go – it was for a day I had obligations I couldn’t get out of. But alas! I felt really good to be asked out! And he’s a cool, cute guy! (It’s my first date offer since Rebound) I reiterated that I would love to go out with him another time – we’ll see if he is up for it. But even if he doesn’t ask me again, it was nice to be noticed and appreciated enough by a guy who wanted to spend one-on-one time with me! And that sure wouldn’t have happened if I had caved and listened to the negative voice in my head that said “all is lost – just quit – it isn’t worth the pain. Just stay home and sulk.”
That Satan. Yeah, I hate him! He’s totally evil. Don’t let anyone else tell you differently! And for Heaven’s sake, don’t listen to him when he gets in your head!
* In the LDS religion, Satan is a very real entity. The following is a description of Satan’s role: “Heavenly Father allows Satan and Satan's followers to tempt us as part of our experience in mortality. Because Satan "seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself" (2 Nephi 2:27), he and his followers try to lead us away from righteousness. He directs his most strenuous opposition at the most important aspects of Heavenly Father's plan of happiness.” [To me, that includes marriage and having the desire to marry]. (Reference: Gospel Topics: Satan, www.lds.org)