Hope(Bridget)

So, i've sort of had blogger's block. I have been on a couple of dates, but honestly have felt shy about sharing the details...you know you have intimacy issues when you're timid about sharing information on an anonymous blog. Although the dates didn't move me to write, an afternoon out with a dear friend of mine did. This dear friend is one of those women that other women wish they could be like. She is fearless in trying new things, accomplished in her career, has travelled the world and is a kind and generous friend to many. She has always been an active member of the LDS church and has a strong testimony of the importance of the gospel of Jesus Christ. She has been an example to me at times in my life where I didn't have any others. We met fifteen years ago and have been close friends ever since, our friendship is one of those that started before this life I am convinced. We were destined to meet, and many times I have felt the power in the sisterhood I feel with her.


Every single woman over 30 I know has had to develop the ability to focus on something other than her desire to be married, because it can be an all encompassing desire, and left unchecked can be accompanied with loss and frustration. I can look back at times in my life where the desire was so intense that all I could think of was to back away from those things that made the desire more poignant, unfortunately for me that meant backing away from spirituality and activity in my church. These things brought me happiness at times, but they also reminded me often of what I didn't have. Many other factors were involved of course in my inactivity, including a lot of pride and selfishness. I feel that the most important factor was my loss of hope. I could not see that the Lord would come through on what he had promised me. I was tired and felt stripped of all desire to go on the way He had asked me to. It actually took me years to come back to my spirituality and to acknowledge my deep beliefs again. My pathway was one of growth and experiences that I thought at the time were liberating,but ultimately ended with me on my knees, literally and figuratively. I had strayed to a path that could not harvest the hope needed to really achieve my dreams.


I'm sure we have all had those relationships that when they ended, our hope ended with them. A relationship that seemed to show us what we were capable of and how amazing a union could be, a dream realized, and then when it ended, seemed to pull that dream away from us,leaving us a crumpled heap on the floor.
Yesterday I felt very thankful that I am a single woman, and this doesn't happen very often. I was thankful to be in the place that I am because my best friend expressed to me that she has lost hope. She has put on a brave face for years, has always been such a strong woman, making lemons out of lemonade..and with the end of an all important relationship is left without hope. I felt very thankful that I was in a position to relate to her. to listen to her. To be quiet when she needed it and to tell her I understand at the times she needed it.


Life is cyclical. I regained hope at somepoint...and although I don't have it at all times I have more than I have ever had in my life. I said a silent prayer to Heavenly Father, in thanks, that I was able to have a little bit to share with my friend, even though she is so far from feeling it right now. I actually felt that I was exactly in the right place at the right time, with the exactly right marriage status. If I had been married at 23 I may not have been able to relate to the sadness and sheer hopelessness of my friend of 15 years.


I am so thankful for the passage of time. For the good Lord who knows us and loves us. For the guidance that is available if we just request it. I love my friend. She will have everything she has been promised. I feel the hope for her, and when she is ready I know she will find it again.

Kissing (Leah)

Last night I took Phil to a group thing where he met a friend. On the sly she asked how long we'd been dating and if we'd kissed yet. It got me thinking of how girlfriends are quick to ask that question. No matter how long you've been dating a guy a girlfriend tends to think physical intimacy should quickly follow. When I reply "no, nothing yet" the girlfriends will often come back with, "well I know you can speed that up" - as if they expect me to "close the deal" like some perfect salesman. I was reminded of Marnie trying to listen to herself and none of those well meaning friends. Now don't think me a perfect prude, I once kissed a guy on the first date - he started it - but I was happy to keep it going. I've also waited a few months. I'm not one to have a time line. I decided that I'm with Marnie - I intend to listen to my own desires and the flow of the relationship and not do anything rash because of any ticking clocks - ovaries or that of friends trying to live vicariously. For now I'm happy to sit and discuss big and small ideas of various kinds with Phil. When the time comes for he or me to make any move I think we'll know. It's rather refreshing, though, to know he'll ask me out regularly enough and there's no added weight of physical intimacy to muddle things up.

My Pledge….(Marnie)

I’ve expressed before how I don’t have a lot of experience when it comes to relationships and dating. I’ve got the “first date” thing down for sure, but the whole “date a guy” thing I’m not too good at. At least I don’t think I am.

I’ve been reflecting on my past experiences and wondering – well, you know – what I did wrong. Now don’t freak out! I don’t blame myself for the relationships failing. I’ve come to terms long ago that what happened in the end was EXACTLY what should have happened and is really for the best.

But a friend of mine was talking to me and reflecting on how emotional I was through those roller coaster rides of relationships. Lots of highs and lows; almost a bi-polar relationship each time. I would be really happy at the beginning of the day then by the end – from whatever did or didn’t happen OR from what someone said or didn’t say about the relationship – I could be way down to the ground wondering why I ever thought HE liked me. And now after all is said and done, I often think, that dude didn’t even go through an iota of what I endured during those relationships.

Why was I like that? Why couldn’t I be just normal emotionally when contemplating the relationship – you know “even keeled” – like a man would? Is it because I’m a woman? Am I built to be full of lots of highs and lows? Yes, we are cyclical but geez! I would get dizzy from the ups and downs I was feeling at different moments. And I know it wasn’t all that fun. Ok, the highs were, but the lows?? In fact I was never really just confident in the relationship. I was always looking for signs or indications either way. Did he like me today because he emailed faster then he did last week? Did he not like me anymore because he waited a day to call me? I was always second guessing and required LOTS of reassurance from – yep, not the guy – but from friends and relatives that helped me “interpret” what was going on.

Now that I look back, that is the most INSANE thing I’ve ever done! What the HECK was I thinking?? Why didn’t someone tell me I was being completely irrational? Ok, my one friend tried, but I was too emotional to see it.

So, this next relationship – whoever that lucky guy is – is going to be SO different (because nowadays I do everything differently – expect that in the next blog).

Therefore, I, Marnie, now pledge that while dating a man:

1. I will have ZERO expectations – that includes PLANNING in my head on how our dates should go, when they should go, what kind they should be, and how often they should occur.

2. I will not over think his actions and take him at complete face value instead of trying to “interpret” his actions.

3. I will not look for signs – I will only take what he says as truth.

4. I will not listen to women that give random and very biased advice in trying to figure out if the guy likes me “enough” or how I should act depending on that woman’s view of my relationship is. (I really do need to keep my insecurities and worries to myself!)

5. If I want to know if they guy I go out with likes me, I WILL ASK HIM and not make up in my head what he will say IF I had the courage to ask.

6. I will not “protect” myself by expecting the worst of any given relationship – I will only expect the best of it! (and that includes thinking it could lead to marriage instead of expecting a breakup).

7. I will never plan farther than 1 week in advance in my head concerning a possible date with the guy I’m dating/sorta dating.

8. I will never let another woman’s take on my relationship overshadow how I feel the relationship is going or what it is. (I can’t tell you how often I listened to someone else and didn’t follow my gut on what was going on or what I should do next in a relationship).

Now I know a bunch of you are saying, “Good luck, sister! You can’t do it, because no woman on earth exists that can pull all of that off!” But alas, for my mental health I have to figure out how to do it!

And as Yoda says in Empire Strikes Back:
"Try not. Do...or do not. There is no try."

I'm all over it, Master Yoda!

Talking (Leah)

"I like girls cause they're fun to talk to."
That was written by one of my students today on an assignment where the students describe themselves in a collage. I couldn't help but agree. One of my friends recently told me how happy she was because the guy she is dating asked her out and said she could tell him funny stories. Apparently it makes him happy to just listen to her tell funny stories. It reminded me of what Phil said not too long ago, how he likes to listen to me talk. I think the best thing to make a woman happy is to listen to her. And now I have proof from the younger generation.

Recruiting (Kris)

Well, we are sad (and happy) to lose Marcia. Clue is a lucky guy. We are still looking forward to some additional posts from her, but I thought it was time to put the call out for another blogger. Any of the readers out there interested? Please email us at confessionsSMG@lycos.com.

Here's the sales pitch.... I'm giving the blog credit for Marcia and Clue working things out. Her honesty on the blog inspired some hard, honest conversations in their relationship which, IMHO, saved them from some serious miscommunication and possibly breaking up. (Marcia you're welcome to correct me on that one.) I also credit the blog for my meeting Grant. I'd tried internet dating previously and was too apprehensive. This time, I joined the dating sites more as an assignment for this blog which made it way less scary, let me relax and enjoy the process, and proved to be the best thing ever. If Leah, Marnie and/or Bridget want to post about what they think the blog has done or not done for their dating/personal lives or how much they enjoy it, I'll leave that to them.

You can remain completely anonymous, even to the rest of us bloggers. Send me an email if you're interested. We need you! Ü

Taking Control (Leah)

I know that one of the concerns many of my girl friends have about dating is the aspect of control - or "who's got hand," as we sometimes say. As women we often feel at a disadvantage because of the traditional approach to dating where the woman has to wait for the guy to ask her out. We all know it's not quite as simple as that, but in our times of frustration we may over simplify it by blaming the man. As for "hand" I know women often try to keep it by putting a guy off just enough to keep him wanting - there are all kinds of theories and strategies related to that. Really I'm terrible at it all. I lack the grace of subtlety required to manage "hand" and I lack the confidence to even know if I have it or not. I know, however, that too many people tend to blame everything else (the world, the church, the friends, the exes, the family, whatever) for their lack of a relationship. Today I came across a quote, though, that fully expresses my attitude about that perspective. Forgive me if I get it a bit wrong: "If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door." I really believe it is every one's responsibility to find their own happiness, whether in a relationship or not, but stop finding blame outside of yourself.

Excuse the Rant (Leah)

I know we have strict rules that this is not a blog for ranting, so I shall only state and let the reader rant in private. My good family has been trying to help me get married - they've all been properly enticed with free babysitting if they find me a blind date - not even a good one. Extra baby sitting if it's a good one, though. Anyway, they really have tried. This week my out of state sister emailed very excitedly to tell me that her friend at church has a brother who is only a year older than me and he lives in Provo. Well, after further investigation the word is that he doesn't like blind dates. My sister went ahead, though, of taking the liberty to email him directly with a picture of me. He kindly wrote her back to say that he is having luck with younger women. I guess one year younger isn't younger enough. According to his sister his mother wishes he'd date women closer to his age. Did I mention that he lives in Provo? Okay, I'm done. I've stated.

My “Brothers” (Marnie)

I went on a road trip this weekend with some really great friends. There were 5 of us, two girlfriends of mine and two guy friends I consider my brothers. I haven’t had a lot of close “guy friends” in my life. I was always afraid of getting to close to them or them wanting more from me than I wanted to give. (I always feared confrontation of any kind with guys). But over the years, my girlfriends showed me how to let great men in your life that you didn’t end up with on a permanent basis. And after knowing them for 9 years, I consider them as brothers and the men in my life I can count on. They are the kind of men who come to my rescue when I need them. Because let’s face it! You never have a boyfriend when you need your new stackable washer and dryer moved in. And these “brothers” are always there for me.

I used to think, “Why bother getting to know a man that you won’t end up with?” (We are all in agreement that although we have fun together and share a great friendship – we’d be terrible for each other in a romantic relationship). You are only supposed to need your husband, right? And if they aren’t going to be your husband, why waste your time? But these guys have been important to me. They’ve helped me understand the male gender, become more open to them, and have helped me not to be so darn frightened of men in general.

While on our road trip, we had lots of conversation about dating and relationships between men and women. They both try hard to date too. (Maybe they should start a blog?) They are about as good at it as I am at finding a mate: hit and misses all over the place, risk taking and heartache, really trying but also going through “droughts” and rejection. My girlfriends and I are pretty open with them and feel safe enough to give our honest thoughts about dating men over 30 and expressing our struggles in finding that perfect guy. They are compassionate but also put us straight when we need to hear it. It’s so healthy it’s almost disgusting!! But I can’t tell you how helpful it’s been to me!

They don’t always tell me what I want to hear, but I need to hear it. The best advice they’ve given me is “don’t over-analyze what a guy does! Because most of the time we just don’t have an ulterior motive.” I always forget it’s the women that are the ones giving signals and scheming…guys just don’t think that deeply about it.

They’ve also told me many times to just be patient. I’m in the middle of flirting with several guys – practicing my “skills” as I like to call it – but I’m finding that I’m preferring one over the others. It makes it SO hard to focus on all of them and not pull away and just spend all of my flirting time with the one that I’m clicking with (let’s call him Mr. Click). It’s even harder because Mr. Click hasn’t done anything to really let me know he prefers me over any other girls he talks to. Sure, he’s been encouraging and flirting with me, but I’m done putting interpretations with “moments” or “looks” or really great conversations. You’ve got to deliver and do something!! The only way I will ever believe a guy is really interested in me is if he ASKS ME OUT. Hanging out at church activities or even parties is great! But until the risk is taken, I just won’t let myself even consider it a real interest. I’ve been burned too many times now to do it any differently.

Of course that is the rational side of me talking. But really, I'm prone to irrational thought processes. Keeping your heart from only wanting to be with someone like Mr. Click over the others while waiting for him to do “something” is so hard! I’ve been trying to be guarded (meaning trying to keep myself from having a real crush on him), but really it’s against the “natural woman” in females. We just like to focus on one. It’s our natural tendency AND our downfall.

I talked to my “brothers” about my current situation, and their advice? Keep looking around, keep flirting with them all and don’t discount any of them - even if you like one more than another - and be patient! I didn’t like that advice at all…but I know they are right! I need to keep getting out there! Keep meeting new people and NOT focusing too much of my time and effort on Mr. Click. And best of all, BE PATIENT!

What’s that scripture in Ether? “After the trial of your faith” Yeah, I’ve just got to keep trying and keeping the faith…

Luckily, I’ve got some great “brothers” who keep reminding me of that.

Simple Things Make a Woman Happy (Leah)

Now that I know Bryan is relying on us for some female insight, I have a little something to share. In my last post I mentioned how Phil's spontaneity made me happy. Well, Phil did something else that I think every woman really loves. In fact, when I shared it with some girlfriends they all responded the same: "Oh, that's so sweet - exactly what a girl wants!" He called me Sunday night and asked if he could come over and visit. Yep - he just wanted to sit and visit, you know, being the Sabbath and all, that seemed like an appropriate thing to do. We did walk around the neighborhood a bit, but then had a great conversation about life and work and such. I enjoyed it. Not too long, but perfect for making a woman happy.

Balance (Kris)

I enjoyed Leah's post on clarity as it is something I've been thinking about a lot lately too. This whole Grant thing has definitely been a sweep-me-off-my-feet kind of experience. I am a person who lives more in her head than in her heart, and my head has been spinning as I feel like Grant took my heart and ran with it. I'm feeling the desire for the rest of my body to catch up- for my head to make sense out of all that has been going on.

I've realized a lot of the things I do to bring clarity to my life have been neglected the past several weeks. I've wanted to spend as much time as possible with Grant which means little sleep, very little scripture study, prayers in a state of half-slumber, skipping ward temple night, and not getting daily exercise.

Part of me is OK with this. It is fun to have my life turned upside down by a boy, throw all sense out the window, and just be in la-la land for a while. Then my head kicks in and tells me to be practical, slow down, and think it all through. I start getting a little panicked about what's going on and how fast it's all happening.

I want to find a balance between the two. This weekend was a good start. Grant and I had a great bike ride up American Fork Canyon on Friday, and on Saturday night he sent me home early to get a good night's rest (thanks G!). Yesterday, I had some needed Kris-time to relax, read and get things done around my house. Today I feel rested and grounded-at least my feet are, my head is still a bit in the clouds thinking about how lucky I am to have found such a fabulous :) man! Balance is nice.

agendas...part 2 (marcia)

For those who’ve been reading this blog since June, you might remember an earlier posting of mine called “Agendas” (posted June 20th). This will need to be a quick posting as I’m on a business trip and don’t have much time, but Clue is definitely sticking to his agenda…we’re engaged!!

More details to come later, but for now, just know that I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to have such an amazing man in my life. He both completely spoils me and makes me stretch to be a better person. I’m both living in blissful happiness and having learning experiences. In fact, I have an unfinished posting that I haven’t decided whether the title should be “minor major adjustments” or “major minor adjustments.” All in all, life is good. Very, very good.

Really - this is my last one! (Leah)

I just had to share. I think last time I praised Phil it was to say I liked his predictability. Well, last night he was a bit spontaneous and I must admit I really liked it. No wonder people say you can never a please a woman - but maybe they should say it's easy to please a woman - we like all kinds of attention (from a likable man). Anyway, I was just feeling in that stage where you doubt if the guy is really all that interested. He asks you out regularly enough (note predictably enough), but it's hard to believe he really "digs" you since it's so methodically paced. Well last night, thinking he was calling my home phone but really getting my cell, he called five times. He never left a message - but when I got back to my phone and saw I'd missed that many from him it actually made me happy - of course I called him. When he found out that I could tell he'd tried so many times he felt embarrassed - that was cute. He was just calling to see if I wanted to get some dinner. He'd gotten home late from work and thought it would be fun to see if I at least would join him and maybe have dessert if I'd already eaten. What I really liked was that he started calling around 7:30 and the last one was at 9:30 - he still hadn't eaten. I liked that he was so persistent about something so spontaneous. And I really liked the late night of it all. Great fun. Another happy plus was that he said he likes listening to me - which is good because I tend to talk a lot. Needless to say I'm a bit happy.

Boys and Books (Leah)

Oops - it's me again, despite my threat to take a month off. I just had to post before I forgot the thought. I finished a book not too long ago where the main male character and female character's relationship reminded me of an old relationship of mine. He and she definitely cared for each other and there was definitely chemistry. He wanted to marry her but instead she married another man, a bit duller. She never exactly says why and they never lose their zing or connectedness - but by the end you come to understand that in terms of marriage her husband really was the better choice. She asks the main guy to stay her friend, actually I think she asks him to be friends with her daughters. The setting was the late 1800's and it was not common for girls to grow up capable of intelligent conversation and this woman is definitely a thinker - you can tell that one thing she loves about the guy is his respect for her wit. What makes her husband a better option for marriage, though, is that he's stable and reliable and capable of giving her a home in which to raise daughters in the first place. The main guy she really loves tends to love adventure and travel and danger more. He believes he loves her enough to marry her, but she can see that really he would not be the man she loves if he did settle down in the family way. I know that one of the Phils I've loved definitely loved me. I believe he wanted to marry me but for whatever reason he couldn't commit to that way of life. One of the things we share that really feeds our love is our conversation and analytical tendencies. In retrospect I'm glad he couldn't settle down. I don't think in the long run I'd really be happy. Sure I miss the wit and banter and fun of dating him, but that's not what a woman builds a marriage and home life on. So the new Phil may not have the same energy and flow of conversation and adventure, but he's strong and good and offers hope of a real future. That's the sort of man a woman needs. I think. Anyway, it's just me identifying with a character in a book probably so maybe I'm reading too much into it.

Persistence (Leah)

Okay, two posts in one day, that means I get to take a break from posting for awhile! :) Actually this is a thought I had last Sunday and it came up again. In church there was a talk about persistence and perseverance. The speaker mentioned that we tend to persist in certain behaviors that are probably best repented of. Then in a conversation with a friend today I heard about another friend that seems to persist in dating a guy that will never change. It reminded me of my own drawn out relationship with last year's Phil. At what point do you call it done? My girl friend mentioned that it might be best to decide in advance (before you've really fallen) how long you'll continue to invest. Like the stock market - at what point do you say your investment is just losing more than it'll ever be worth? You tend to hold out hoping the price will go up - in a relationship you continue hoping the guy will commit - or whatever. You don't want to put time lines or false expectations - but you also don't want to hold on to a sinking ship. We decided that with every guy it's different and maybe depending on where you are in life the timing will be different. Truthfully, I guess this is where prayer is a must. You have to feel like you're really focusing and following God's plan for you - whether or not it includes that guy and in what way it might include him. Sorry, I'm not sure I offered much insight or hope - just a bit of confusion - and this after my last post about looking towards the clear path instead of the messy wreck. Luckily my current Phil is not a mess, yet. Just wondering if I should set some parameters for myself before I get too far in - you know, while it's still clear.

Clarity - Even When Dating (Leah)

My visiting teachers came by last night. We discussed our divine nature and how knowing we are daughters of God can bless our lives. We talked about the perspective and clarity it gives us. It got us off on a tangent a bit, though, that applies to this blog. My visiting teacher shared a time in her life when she was being stressed about a guy - should they keep dating or not, or something more complicated. When she spoke to the bishop he told her to not think about the guy, the problem, the decision, ANY of it for at least a month. Just focus and build a relationship with God. By focusing on the things that ARE true and clear she was able to find clarity in the tangled web of emotion that relationships can bring. We compared it to when you're driving and you see a terrible wreck on the side of the road. If you look at it you tend to drift that way and can possibly cause an accident yourself. If you stay focused on the clear path ahead you will be fine. The lesson is - don't look at the problem and the stress in your life, look at the things that are good and simple and hopeful. Like Moses and the rod and the people who wouldn't look because it was too simple, and that guy who wouldn't just go bathe in the water how ever many times because it seemed too simple a way to be healed. How much joy and peace we deny ourselves due to pride and selfish drama!

Grant (Kris)

Here's a funny thing... after I found out Grant's family and friends were reading this, I've been too embarrassed to go back and read what I've written. I'd rather not read it while imagining what everyone is thinking when they read it. Since I gave Grant the go-ahead to read the blog, he's also been too embarrassed to read it. Silly us. I do think he is slowly making his way through the entries.

We were discussing my post about the options going forward and how I felt option 4 (writing less personal blogs and having Grant approve them before posting) felt like the best option. I thought it would be fun for Grant to do a guest post about his take on all of this. He sent me the possible beginnings of two blogs which I'll paste below. I'm anxiously awaiting the full posts, but apparently somebody seems to take up a bunch of his free time so he hasn't tackled an entire entry. Here's what he did write. (can you see how I can't help my heart getting all fluttery when he is around Ü)

POST 1
I know Kris was rather traumatized at finding out that by typing in her real name, this blog came up. Now just think of my surprise finding out that Kris Munroe is just her alias, but I have now come to the realization that she's not Charlie's secret agent, although I don't think Bosley believes it.

The best part of hanging out with a secret agent is you get to do really cool stuff; experience cannon blasts in the middle of a peaceful mountain setting symphony, crash and burn in treacherous mountain descents, and get attacked by dogs during mountain reconnaissance. OK, maybe that's not the best part, but it does give the relationship that extra bit of adventure which makes any pursuit worthwhile.

POST 2
Sometimes you meet up with something that is just too good to pass up. Historically, I'm fairly cautious in starting a relationship. Kris had to come along and mess things all up. It's a good thing I've watched all those classic movies and knew how the masters handled a beautiful woman. Just think what may have happened had I followed the example of Sid Vicious or Curt Kobain. Whew! I knew there was merit in spending time with Bogey, Cary Grant (yeah, that's me), Gregory Peck, etc...


Ya, he rocks!!

Negativity is our downfall… (Marnie)

Have you ever had a day where you wake up and it all seems so pointless? Like nothing is in your control concerning the most important things in your life? Like there is no way on earth you will EVER find a guy you can connect with - let alone have a relationship with and get married to?

I woke up on Monday feeling that way. I was so annoyed, though! I had been feeling really good these last few months with just a few bumps here and there. I know my milestones have been small, but they have felt very good. And I’ve been “working it” with a couple of very cool guys I’ve met recently. I even had hope that maybe one of them would ask me out sometime soon!

But this Sunday was less than a productive day on my standards and I didn’t get to connect with the individuals I wanted to. And I even felt a little trapped – whether from my own insecurities and lack of guts to introduce myself to the cute guy I saw at church – to my surroundings of isolating myself behind my group of friends. It just all felt icky! I was disappointed in me and the day. And it felt like I had taken a huge step BACKWARDS from all of my progress.

Well, normally I get in that funk of negativity and just wallow there for some time – days, weeks, years, it would just depend. But it made me mad on Monday morning that I was feeling that way. I didn’t want to feel that way! And then I realized that I was mad at the wrong person (that ranged from me, to the guys that didn’t say hi, to the stranger that didn’t try to meet me, etc.). I realized all the negative thoughts were from Satan* – the very person that DOESN’T want me to be happy with the current marital status I am. He WANTS me to be annoyed that things are not going exactly as I had planned in life. He wants me to be bitter about my prospects or lack of prospects. He wants me to blame everyone for my “so terrible a predicament” so that I can run around screaming “Life isn’t far! Life isn’t fair!!! Someone just LOVE ME!!!”

Geez! I need to get a grip! And luckily I did! Bad days can start, but they don’t have to stick around. It took all of my energy – which I often lack on a Monday - to just snap myself out of it and refuse to listen to the lies I was hearing in my head. It took almost a conscious, physical effort to do so, even though everything was in my mind.

I had a chance to go to a gathering on that Monday night and I decided I wasn’t going to retreat and hide when the chance came to meet someone new – male or female. I was going to just be the best me! The “me” that really is happy most of the time with where I’m at. I just want more! But I’m not miserable about not having that more yet. (Ok, some days I am – but that was not that day!)

SO I smiled, practiced my “security guard” stare and just tried to be as friendly as possible. Result? I got asked out! I couldn’t go – it was for a day I had obligations I couldn’t get out of. But alas! I felt really good to be asked out! And he’s a cool, cute guy! (It’s my first date offer since Rebound) I reiterated that I would love to go out with him another time – we’ll see if he is up for it. But even if he doesn’t ask me again, it was nice to be noticed and appreciated enough by a guy who wanted to spend one-on-one time with me! And that sure wouldn’t have happened if I had caved and listened to the negative voice in my head that said “all is lost – just quit – it isn’t worth the pain. Just stay home and sulk.”

That Satan. Yeah, I hate him! He’s totally evil. Don’t let anyone else tell you differently! And for Heaven’s sake, don’t listen to him when he gets in your head!

* In the LDS religion, Satan is a very real entity. The following is a description of Satan’s role: “Heavenly Father allows Satan and Satan's followers to tempt us as part of our experience in mortality. Because Satan "seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself" (2 Nephi 2:27), he and his followers try to lead us away from righteousness. He directs his most strenuous opposition at the most important aspects of Heavenly Father's plan of happiness.” [To me, that includes marriage and having the desire to marry]. (Reference: Gospel Topics: Satan, www.lds.org)

Dating without Producers (Bridget)

Right now I am home sick from work and I'm watching a show about single moms
dating. The premise of the show is watching Single Moms that are looking for love,
get to know various matches they've received from the producers of the show. I'm
watching them frolic on the beach, and sharing fruity wines and make smore's with
eachother. Watching these women date on this show is definitely fun, I'm really
having a good time. It's only when I'm dating that the stress and anxiety turn up,
and invariably, before the frolicking fun comes the finding. On my mission, the finding part was the most anxiety provoking as well, the knocking on the doors and the stopping people as they're walking by in the city center...true to form, i attended a Singles Conference dance this last weekend, and it literally freaked me out. I went into extreme overload. I went with my lovely friend Violet, who is actually from the area that was putting it on. Bless her heart,i suspect she went to the dance to support me, she was very tired after a long week, and may have gone only after picking up on the "deer in headlights" qualities of my emails regarding the pending conference. I knew in my heart that if Violet didn't go, I would not have the courage to go alone.

I have pinned two factors as the primary reasons for this lacklustre experience I had at the conference. I had had a conversation with GSE the weekend before and we were trying to figure out a time to get together. Our schedules have not coincided in the last few months. He asked me what I was doing that Friday because he finally had a night free. I thought about it and then realized I was going to this singles conference. I told him I was going to this conference and both of us were disappointed. The more i thought about it, I thought,would I rather be with GSE that I knew we had great chemistry,would have a great time, and we could have a romantic dinner and get caught up. This desire to be with GSE that night instead of at the conference became a realization that I would rather be with him than with anyone else. And then it became this tug of war in my heart and mind, have GSE over to dinner and stay in the past,entertaining something that has proved to be hurtful in the past, and still playing into the delusions that it could finally be something more, or going to the conference and in my mind,saying hello to the future and looking to new experiences. I put all of this pressure on myself, convincing myself that the outcome of my life could be drastically changed with either choice.(why do i do this to myself?) Because i chose the conference after all, it put pressure on the conference to be worthy of "missing out" on a great time with GSE (twisted, i know) Pressure is the first factor, and the second is high expectations. For me confidence has always been an issue, and because of this I am either seeing myself as completely unworthy of love and attention or seeing myself as a gorgeous blonde vixen that men will not be able to resist. Neither of these views are true, and both can bring disappointment..because, this blonde vixen was in fact resisted at this conference. I suspect the reason I was so resistable is that I was so darn uncomfortable about being there. The happy medium that I would like to find is that I am worthy and beautiful...nothing more, nothing less.

Over all, I was very discouraged when I left the conference because I felt like a complete outsider and was not at all able to see how I was going to meet someone if my social anxiety issues kept me from even being a part of the game. After thought and prayer, I have come (again) to the conclusion that the Lord is in charge. All i have to do is at least try, keep Him in my life,and He will take care of the rest.He knows my weaknesses, he works with them. He loves me in spite of them. My need to control, and the belief that I am on my own in this, is what brings most of my grief. One of my favorite scriptures is from the LDS Doctrine and Covenants which is a book of revelations we believe Joseph Smith received, and it has given me great strength and comfort at the times I've needed it "Therefore, dearly beloved brethren (and sisters) let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we STAND STILL, with the UTMOST ASSURANCE, to see the salvation of God, and for HIS ARM to be revealed"

Although I probably will not be going to another singles conference in the near future...i know when to call it a day.

Now What? (Kris)

OK, I admit having my identity revealed freaked me out. Luckily, I had a nice little getaway with my sisters for the weekend to chill and decide how to proceed. I'd love to think I can just release all inhibitions and continue "confessing" like I have up until now, but it seems I haven't reached that level of openness, plus I feel bad that it's not fair to Grant. I've come up with a few options for moving forward.

Before getting into that, thanks to friends and family of Grant for the fun comments on the blog. Even though I'm feeling totally exposed, your comments have made me smile. Unexpected comments on my blog is one of my favorite things. I've been unable to get Grant to comment (well since he's not reading this blog I guess it would be hard for him to comment) on either of my blogs, so it's extra fun to have some input from his posse.

Here are the going forward options. Feel free to add to this list.

Option 1: Not blog anymore. I don't like this option as I've loved this blog. It's really been some nice therapeutic girl talk. Although, it's not the same now that I've lost the anonymity. So maybe I can have Kris Munroe disappear and a mysterious new blogger, Kelly Garrett, can start blogging about the guy she's dating, (Jimmy) Stewart. Too obvious??

Option 2: My sisters and I thought I could take advantage of this non-direct connection to Grant by hinting various things I'd like him to know/do. (i.e. commenting earlier how I'm bummed he hasn't ever commented on my blog). It might be a fun experiment to see how quickly stuff gets back to him and if he'd take the hints. However, this probably isn't the healthiest way to communicate with him.

Option 3: Grant suggested I just make up some good juicy stuff to put on here. This could be fun, although I'm not sure I'd want all of you knowing the details about our wild and crazy weekend in Las Vegas. :)

Option 4: Post less frequent less personal blogs -possibly have them "Grant approved" which I don't think he'll want to do but I'd feel better about. This is feeling like the option that makes the most sense right now. We'll just have to see how things progress- with Grant and with the blog. Stay tuned. :)

Meeting the family (Leah)

Sorry Marcia, I couldn't help repeating your title - it seemed fitting. Last night I went out with Phil to the theater. His family has season tickets. The youngest brother sat on my other side and asked me if it was weird to go on a date with my date's whole family. I said it was, but made the point that at my age nothing really was weird and I was okay with anything - which is pretty much true. I just worried about Phil later hearing that I was critical. I enjoyed the play, I enjoyed meeting the family, I took it all in stride and didn't make a big deal out of it. But I did warn the younger brother that he probably shouldn't try dating a girl in the same manner - he was still too young. I hope he got me. Wouldn't you all agree that dating looks different at our age? The "normal" dates really aren't so normal and just spending time with Phil was good. I hope the brother understood.

My favorite part of the night was when Phil made a point of saying my dress was pretty. It was a new dress - but he didn't necessarily know that - and it WAS pretty. I was impressed with his ability to give me a compliment. He won some major points. Which reminds me of a really bad date I had when I was younger (remember the dating rules are a bit different now). The guy was a blind date. We were at the theater waiting for our movie to start. He turned to me and said, "Oh, yeah, I wanted to tell you that you look really nice." I was very annoyed at that compliment - he hadn't seen me before and didn't know how "nice" I really looked. Actually, I was wearing one of my more comfortable outfits (not necessarily my best looking - just comfortable - it was back in the day when I took dates for granted and felt no need to make the best of them) and it had been a rainy day so I felt a bit bedraggled. I didn't feel like I looked nice so his compliment seemed totally fake. He lost major points. I just laugh at the fact that essentially the same compliment can win a guy points or lose him points depending on time/place/delivery.

meeting the family (marcia)

So a couple of weeks ago Clue and I flew out to California for a quick weekend trip home. Several of my brothers and sisters were in town so it was a good time to go and meet the family.

In spite of having 14 people under my parents’ roof at once, we had a great time. It was one-part chaos, one-part great food, two-parts good fun. Clue continues to do well as he dives deeper and deeper into my world. My parents picked us up from the airport and I could see right away that they would get along. Not that I had any worries – I knew they would love Clue and he would love them. But it’s always unnerving when you meet the family and the parents and although you couldn’t tell, Clue was a bit nervous.

So the weekend included dinner with the family on Friday night, walking the Farmers Market downtown Saturday morning (a family favorite), a jaunt to Santa Cruz to play on the beach and throw the brass ring on the famous Boardwalk Carousel, church and more food with cousins, aunts and uncles on Sunday.

It felt great to have him there with my family. It was a short trip, but by the time the weekend came to a close, Clue felt completely at home.

Needless to say, things are going well!