Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Commitment (Kris)

I’ve been wanting to blog more on here, but not sure where to take the subject matter since getting engaged. I did have an interesting experience this morning that I thought I’d share. Last Spring I went on a trip to Cambodia and loved it. My good friend and her sisters are taking a similar trip in a few weeks. I called her this morning to see how the plans were progressing. She told me she was nervous and people kept telling them they were crazy to travel there just as single women. I laughed and told her I never felt like I was in any danger. As long as you’re not doing anything stupid- like playing in dark alleys or going home with a man you meet in a bar- then there is nothing to worry about.

The conversation then turned to me and my wedding plans. This is a friend I’ve known since I was about 7 years old. She knows me well and as I started rattling off wedding plans she stopped me and said, “Yes, but how are YOU, are you getting cold feet?” Ah, she knows me well. In fact, I have been scared spitless about getting married. Apparently when you’re almost 40 and still single there are possibly some phobias around commitment. Ü I proceeded to tell her how much I’ve enjoyed being single all these years. I have figured out how to be happy and on my own. Now I’m faced with heading into something I know very little about and I’m scared. Can I really be as happy or happier? And if I’m not…. then what? I’m stuck.

My friend laughed and said she is seeing a mirror of this situation and her trip to Cambodia. She called and was worried about doing something unknown and I laughed because I knew it would be OK because I’ve been there. Now I’m stressing about my unknowns and she can laugh because she’s on the other side knowing that all the bad “what if’s” are just in my head. It’s the same kind of thing- as long as I’m not going to do anything really stupid, it will all be fine. Just like her trip.

Funny- reading my post from a few weeks ago, it's pretty much the same issue. The funny part is that it felt like a revelation to me last night figuring out what has been bothering me, however, looks like it's the same issues coming up in different ways. Recognizing where it is coming from helps a lot. I'd just like to know how to get rid of it altogether. Any ideas?


marcia said...

In my vast experience as an old married woman (after all, we are going on TWO months now!), I can tell you that I've had a few freak-outs post marriage. But just like you, I worked through them. So, I don't have any ideas on how to get rid of them, but I do know those moments can come and go and you can still be happily married! Does that help any??

Scully said...

I would say (like you already did really:) that you get pretty clear about what those fears are about. Which is difficult for me. Is it just you and your fears of marriage in general or is it more about him and his capacity to be a good and kind partner and how you work together to solve problems. I think part of what makes this difficult too is that you don't really have a history with him to be able to have total proof of how he acts in several different situations. That history is being made with wedding decisions. So you're relying on faith A LOT. Relying on the Lord A LOT to calm your fears maybe more than on him. I would just want to be sure that I wasn't asking Him (the Lord) to calm a fear that was well founded. I don't want this to sound unsupportive in anyway, but as someone told me once, fear is not always bad. It's okay to be fearful if you're invited to ride on the back of a motorcycle at full speed with no helmet. Or invest in a stock that has performed badly or who's risk is through the roof. Yes, Satan tempts us and tries to pull us away from what is good and right, but you've done hard things before that you knew were right and the fact that you knew it was right pulled you through. Make sure the passion and the beautiful dress aren't driving your decisions. I, for one was not really good at that. And this just might be total projection on my part so forgive. You can figure this out. Whichever way it goes. Sounds like maybe it's what Marcia said. It takes time—not so much an overnight or band-aidy kind of thing. Time for the history and experiences to build together before and after marriage. But what do I know?